Home Improvement s08e08 Episode Script

Welcome to Tool Time on location.
Today we're coming to you from Hernando's Junkyard.
Thank you, Heidi.
Well, right now I'm standing next to a pile of old, useless debris.
And of course there's the rest of the stuff in the junkyard.
Now, most of us will probably go through our entire lives without ever visiting an auto-salvage yard.
I, for one, as a child spent hours frolicking through this junkyard next to all these old, rusted hulks.
The noxious chemicals, the pools of Freon and oil.
(GRUNTING) That explains so much.
But not anymore.
The revered junkyard's no longer a hip, happening place to be.
Kids today have malls to go to.
Do you suppose they call it a junkyard because this is where the Chinese people keep their old vessels? "That one's got a big hole in it! Move it to the back!" I don't think so, Tim.
And to guide us through this boulevard of broken dreams is the owner of Hernando's, Larry.
Larry, how're you doing? Hey, Tool Man.
Where's Hernando? Hey, Al.
Oh, he went to that great junkyard in the sky.
Years ago.
Yeah.
Actually, Hernando's ashes, they're in the ashtray of that Metropolitan right there.
It was a great service, very emotional.
Put him in there butt-first.
When I was a kid, remember that dog that used to bother me all the time? You're talking about Snuggles? Snuggles, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
He's still here.
That's impossible.
In dog years he'd be, well, old.
He's right over here.
Look for yourself.
He likes the shade of this Hudson here.
I don't know why.
What do you say, Snuggles? Remember me? (GROWLING) (CHUCKLES) I haven't seen him move like that in years.
He must really hate you.
He's probably still miffed since I told him he had to stop dating my leg.
Moving along.
Now, you're probably wondering how anybody could find anything in a junkyard.
Well, you know, these days pretty much everything is computerized.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Of course, that's the only computer I need, you know? A place for everything, and everything in its place.
All right, Mr.
Organization.
How about this? A 1967 Dodge Slant Six.
Starter motor.
There you go.
Slant Six.
There's your starter right there.
You have to try just a little bit harder to stump old Larry.
All right, Larry.
How about this? A thermostat cover to a Bonneville.
A 428.
How about right here on the end of the old bathroom key? That's just freaky.
No, that's just lucky.
Oh, yeah.
And your career is built on, like, talent and skill, right? Moving on, Larry.
TIM: All right, now it's time to take a look at the big daddy of junkyard equipment.
Car crusher.
All right, Larry.
Why don't you tell our crowd something about this? I'll be glad to, Tim.
This portable car crusher is powered by a 120-horsepower Detroit Diesel.
It will crush a two-ton car down to 12 inches.
And my guess is, these are the gallant road warriors awaiting their final fate.
Ah.
Sweet Galaxie, noble Skylark.
And look at this, a Corvair convertible.
My first car was a Corvair.
Just like this.
Same color, actually.
Even the same Western Michigan parking sticker on the windshield.
Wait a minute.
I think this is my car.
When did this come in? It came in about a year ago.
It's been picked pretty clean.
No kidding.
I should've never sold this car.
Tim, we're still rolling.
Well, she's here if you want her.
For now.
(YOWLING) Week four.
The everyday existence of a typical suburban family.
This is good.
This is good.
You can get me studying.
A middle-aged mom goes back to school to recapture her youth.
Pathetic? You be the judge.
You want pathetic? Why don't you take some shots of a 14-year-old who never gets an allowance? And cut.
(SCOFFS) Hello! Hello! How was soccer practice? Great.
Great.
I have something for you.
Stinky soccer clothes you should be laundering yourself? Ah, no.
A hug.
(LAUGHING) I'll take that.
Oh, I've got something for you.
This is the application for the University of Pennsylvania.
Oh, cool.
Cool.
You know, a lot of guys on the team are sending in video resumes along with their applications.
You mean like soccer highlights? Yeah.
And talking about themselves.
If I did one, it would be a chance to show those colleges "Brad, the guy.
" I'm sure they're waiting by their mailboxes.
(SCOFFING) Anyways, I'd love to do a video but I heard these guys charge, like, a thousand bucks.
Well, you know, I know somebody that's really talented who could do it for considerably less.
You've gotta be kidding! Mark? You already got the camera.
You could do the editing at school.
We'll pay for the tape.
Well, doing an interesting video about Brad would be a real tough challenge.
Yeah and me getting through without killing you would be an even tougher challenge, wouldn't it? This is great! Teamwork! All right.
Well, let's go upstairs and discuss my hair options.
Hi, there.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
You smell good.
Where have you been? The junkyard.
On the way home, I picked you up something real special.
You did? (CHUCKLES) "The Gabor Sisters Beauty Sampler.
" Well, this is so thoughtful.
You're not getting another car.
Well, it's not really a car car.
It's more of a shell of a car.
You know, I want to buy it from the junkyard.
$165, come on! And eventually it'll become my next project.
What do you think? Until then that hunk of junk just sits, what? Out in the front yard? Actually, in the driveway.
Oh, man! Just for a couple of months till I find a place to store it.
You know? It'll start snowing soon.
You won't even see it.
And then once the snow melts, then we have a rusted hunk of junk.
It's already a rusted hunk of junk.
But this is, get this, my first car.
Your first car, your third car, your 20-third car No, no, no.
You don't understand.
This is the first car I ever owned.
It's that old Corvair.
Honey, you don't have the time to work on this car.
And we don't have the space to store it until you have the time.
We certainly don't have the money.
I mean, it'll cost a fortune to restore it.
And we gotta save that money for the kids' college funds.
Okay, okay.
I understand all that.
But this is fate.
I mean, what are the odds of me crossing paths with my old Corvair? Better than the odds of me letting you bring it home.
Hey, Mark.
Maybe I used too much mousse.
You look like a pineapple.
Let me see your script.
I don't have a script.
I figured I was just gonna wing it.
Won't the Ivy League love that? Look, I just don't want my video looking like everybody else's.
All right, you ready? Yeah.
And action.
Yo, yo, yo, what's up? I'm Brad, I'm bad.
This is my pad.
This is where I kick back when I'm not kicking in all those goals.
Oh, oh, look at who just walked in.
Folks, this is the number-one lady in my life.
Hey, Mom, say hi.
Hi.
No matter how many goals I score or how many tests I ace, I always make time for my main mom.
No, honey, no.
You're laying it on real thick.
What am I supposed to say? Hi, my name is Brad.
I really love to play soccer.
And I'd love to come play for your school.
That's better.
Hey, hey, hey.
I'm Tim Taylor.
I'm Brad's dad.
I just found my first car today.
I'd like to keep it but somebody, I won't mention names, won't let me.
Cut.
(HUMMING) Hey, Wilson.
Well, top o' the morning to you, Taylor lass.
What are you doing there? Oh, some friends of mine from Ireland are getting married.
I'm building them a wedding arch.
It's really beautiful.
Well, thank you very much.
So, how are things over in Taylorville? Ah, well, for starters, Tim got me a Gabor Sisters Beauty Sampler.
Ah, he bought another car, huh? He's pushing for it.
He found a shell in the junkyard.
And he doesn't have the time or the money to spend on it.
And we have no place to store it.
But just because it's his first car, he thinks it's this really big deal Now, wait Whoa, whoa, whoa, just a second.
Tim found his first car? Apparently, you think it's a big deal, too? I would kill for my first car.
You know, it was a little Morris Minor.
I'll never forget it.
Gosh, I miss it! You keep a picture of it in your wallet? Hmm.
What is the deal with men and their first cars? Well, Jill, sometimes in our society, a young man's self-image is defined by his first automobile.
No.
You're saying that men define who they are as human beings by four wheels and an engine? Don't you think that's kind of shallow? No, I don't think so.
No, of course, you don't.
You're one of them.
(LAUGHING) No.
The first car represents freedom and independence.
I tell you, there's nothing more exhilarating for a young man than getting behind the wheel of the car, revving up that engine, racing off to his first Mozart festival.
Well, maybe that's just me.
I don't get it.
I just I guess it's just because I was never emotionally attached to a car.
Well, Jill, have you ever had any rite of passage that showed your independence? Yeah.
When I moved out of my parents' house and got my own apartment.
It was so cute.
(CHUCKLING) I had these Doobie Brothers posters plastered all over the walls.
And this waterbed that would slosh whenever I was Did I mention the Doobie Brothers posters? Ah, yes, yes.
Yes, you did.
So, you're saying that to Tim, this is way more than a rusted hunk of metal.
Yes.
Just think of it as your apartment, without the sloshing.
So, if you're looking for a star forward who's got all the right moves on and off the field, you gotta think Brad.
All right? You got two choices.
I could play for you, or I could play against you.
Either way, I'll see you this fall.
Hasta la vista, baby.
Tim, I was thinking about this thing with the first car.
I've been thinking about it all day.
That's why I'm cooking dinner to keep my mind off it.
Just keep cooking, cutting, cooking, cutting, cooking You can have the car.
That's how bad it's gotten to me.
I swear I just heard you say, "You could have the car.
" Cut and cook.
Cut and cook I did.
Now, don't toy with me.
I'm in a very delicate condition.
You can have the car.
Wilson said that he'd store it.
I can have the car? You can have the car.
Say it again.
You can have the car.
God bless those Gabor sisters! (LAUGHING) Hey, Larry! I've come to get the car! Oh, uh Look, Snuggles, I'm just here to get my car and then I'm gonna take off, okay? (BARKING) Look! Poodle! Look there.
Wait a minute! Larry! I'm gonna hold you personally responsible for this! (BARKING) Well, hi, honey.
Did you get your car? Yeah.
I got there just in time to see it turned into a big, steel tortilla.
Oh, my God! And on the way home I realized I'm an idiot.
Do you want to know why I'm an idiot? Because you listened to me and you didn't get the car? If only it were that simple.
All the way home in the car, I was trying to figure out a way to blame you.
Truth is, it's my fault.
I should never have sold that Corvair in the first place.
You can't blame yourself for selling a car 25 years ago.
Oh, watch me.
So what if it had 130,000 well-earned miles on it? So what if the defroster never worked in the wintertime? So what if the muffler sounded like Al's mom after a whole day of Beano? Huh? Honey, you want a nice cup of tea? A cup of tea's not gonna cut it! Bratwurst? You know the sad irony, the cruel irony here? The car crusher? It was a Binford.
Oh.
Hey, Dad, you get the car? I'm an idiot.
You want to know why? No.
No need to explain.
Your dad's car got crunched at the junkyard and it's all my fault.
I wish there was something I could do.
We could try to find him an old Corvair frame.
That's a great idea.
I could check all the junkyards, go through his old car magazines.
Yeah.
You could even check the Internet.
You could help me.
Why would I help you? Because, Brad, no matter how many goals you score, no matter how many tests you ace, you've always got time for your main mom.
Brad, do you think that your father would notice if the Corvair was a '67? Mom, Dad would notice if the dipstick was the wrong color.
No, thanks.
Bye.
Well, that was the last junkyard.
So much for that good idea.
Hey, Mom, check out the Corvair Club Magazine.
There's a guy selling a '66 Corvair just like Dad's.
Let me see here.
Well, you know what? Maybe I should call him.
He might have a lead on a frame.
Yeah.
It says he's the president of the Corvair Club.
If anyone's gonna know, it's gonna be him.
Hello.
Is this Gunther Frank? Oh, sorry.
Gunther Frank? Uh Gunther, I saw your car in the Corvair Club Magazine.
And I was wondering Yes, yes, it's wunderbar.
It's very, very wunderbar.
Yeah.
No, no, I'm not looking for that car.
I'm looking for that car, only a junker.
You do? Oh, great! Okay.
Well, where would we go to meet you? Yeah, yeah.
We'll be right over there.
Auf Wiedersehen to you, too, Gunther.
Here at Binford, we're not just tool people.
Darn it, we're educators! That's right.
Each week Tim teaches you what not to do.
(MOCK LAUGHTER) After a recent automotive loss in my life, I convinced Binford to start a program that will educate kids, and save cars at the same time.
Our aim is to get the kids off the street and into the garage restoring cars.
Now, Binford will supply the tools and the work space, but we need you to supply the vehicle.
Now where are we gonna get those cars? BOTH: Hmm.
Welcome to (HORN HONKING) (BOTH READING) That's right.
Today we've got some pictures of junkyard cars that you can save from a crushing, cruel fate.
Now some of these pictures might be a bit graphic for the youngsters so, hide them now.
(SCREAMING) Anyway, first up we have a 1972 Mercury Comet for only $340.
The body's actually held up pretty well, unlike some of us.
Little bit of work, she's back to new.
Does she deserve to die? I don't think so.
So, come on, people.
Pick up those phones and call 1-600-Z-CARZ-4-U.
Operators are standing by.
(PHONE RINGING) Adopt A Car.
Adopt A Car.
Okay.
Now, our second item up to sponsor is a 1963 Chevrolet Impala.
It needs wheels, tires, running gear.
Pretty much everything.
Action figure sold separately.
Sponsor this for $200 and you can turn this into a kid's first car.
And he can fill it with his own memories, huh? Call now, will you? $200.
Sponsor this car.
I can't hear the phones ringing.
Hello? All right, you call right now, lunch with the Tool Man.
All right, all right.
Lunch with Heidi.
(PHONE RINGING) Why won't the garage door open? Well, I don't know.
I tell you not to lock that.
Then I can't pull the car in.
Well, why don't you check it out? What do you think? What is it? It's a 1966 Corvair Corsa, four on the floor, 140 horses.
You brought my car back from the grave! Hallelujah! (CHUCKLING) It's not your car.
I know that.
This is beautiful.
What's it doing in the garage? I bought it.
You what? I was just gonna buy a frame.
But the guy gave me such a good deal, I couldn't resist it.
What did you pay for this? Nothing.
What? I traded my Healey for it.
You traded your fully-restored Austin-Healey just so I could have this? Yeah, I did.
You got freaking ripped off.
Why? What do you mean? As much as I love Corvairs, a Healey's worth a lot more than this.
Oh, I like this car.
The whole family fits in it.
It has an electrical system that actually works.
Is this Gunther's car? You know Gunther? Everybody knows Gunther.
He's the chairman of the Corvair Club.
Well, wait.
I don't get it.
Do you like it or not? I love this.
I love this.
This is the nicest thing you've ever done for me.
But we've gotta take it back and get the Healey back, you know? I can't accept this.
Why not? Well, I wanted my Corvair back.
Not his.
Well, it's practically the same.
Well, it's not really about the car.
It's about what it represented to me.
When I bought the Corvair, all my V8 buddies thought it was, like, the biggest geek mobile.
But I loved it.
The reason I Well, your sense of self was defined by your first set of wheels.
Exactly.
I mean, on the surface, Corvairs seemed like they were the geek mobile, but under the surface, they were, like, cutting edge.
But I still want to take it back.
Okay.
Tomorrow we'll do that.
But right now let's take an imaginary trip in my old Corvair.
Ooh.
Okay.
Okay.
All right, shut your eyes.
Tell me what your mind sees.
Oh, it's nothing I see, it's what I smell.
Your Hai Karate.
Christmas gift from Aunt Barb.
Mmm-hmm.
Went to a drive-in movie off campus.
Double feature.
Omen.
Exorcist.
Oh, yeah! (MOANING) Your mother shops at Penney's! You were so freaked out.
Me? You were the one that had your head buried in my chest all night.
That wasn't 'cause I was freaked out.
I knew that.
You did the same thing when we saw The Sound of Music.
The hills were alive.
I don't know about alive.
But they were a lot higher then.
(SIGHING) Didn't we go to that Doobie Brothers concert in this car? Yes.
Yeah.
And then we went back to your place and Sloshed.
(CHUCKLING) (KIDS CHEERING ON TV) Hello.
My name is Brad.
I really love to play soccer.
And I'd love to come play for your school.
JILL: Hey, that was great.
I don't get it.
You only used one line of dialog I gave you.
What happened to all my great interviews? I burned them.
'Cause I care.
Mark, I think that thing was great.
It really was a good job.
How about this? You come behind the scenes of Tool Time and do a brilliant documentary on dear old Dad.
Dad, I'm an artist, not a magician.
We're educators! Yeah! Yeah! (EXCLAIMING) (MUMBLING) Right now let's take an imaginary trip in my old Corvair.
Oh, if you can open it, you mean? (FAKE CRYING)