Roseanne s08e08 Episode Script

( harmonica wailing ) I'm sick of turkey for thanksgiving.
- yeah, how come it always has to be turkey? - where does that come from? ( sighs ) you have to start cooking it on labor day To get it ready for thanksgiving.
Let's just get a ham.
It comes already cooked.
( crying ) I don't think that sits too well with the boys.
How about a pot roast? Boring! All right, it's gonna be turkey.
- ( coos ) - ( toy squeaking ) Jerry garcia wants turkey, don't you? 'cause he knows turkey's tradition.
'cause it costs like 5¢ a ton.
So, we need yams and cranberries Yeah, so they can match the stains from last year's tablecloth.
Now to recap the list-- Oh, and what kind of rolls do you want? Do you want the kind that shrivel when they burn Or the kind that burst into flames? Well, flames are more fun for the kids.
And holidays are for children.
All right then.
We have the flaming rolls, check.
Salad, check.
Sodas, check.
Hey, would you get me some earplugs too? So I don't have to listen to Darlene gripe About the slaughter of innocent turkeys? - thanksgiving gets on my nerves.
- big time.
It's like you finally get your weight down to something comfortable, - and boom, it's thanksgiving.
- yeah.
Family you can't stand visits from out of town.
You gotta pretend you like 'em.
Then of course mom starts guzzling the chardonnay.
Everybody sits around seeing who can tell the biggest lie.
And it starts with mom and the pies.
She says that she bakes them And everyone knows that she buys them Because they don't even fit in the pan.
I think thanksgiving's just a man's holiday anyhow.
Wait wait, Roseanne.
I want these guys to hear that.
Because maybe we can save 'em If we catch 'em while they're young.
Oh, you don't have anything worry about, Jackie, 'cause they're gonna be side by side With their mommies in the kitchen Helping cook up a great big feast.
Amen.
You tell it, sister.
You know, men invented football Just so they could get out of doing the dishes.
That's right.
And they claim that it's a tradition.
A tradition, all right-- us slaving over the hot stove Serving the meal and then cleaning up the sink full of dirty dishes after.
Yes, and then the men get to Pass out and eat all they want and collapse Watching the dallas cheerleaders.
Okay, so to recap the holiday: We've got mom gettin' tipsy lying about the pies, Cheap yams that have to be topped with marshmallows To move 'em at all, Darlene gripin' about meat, And the men passing out in front of the of tv, Everybody else getting in a huge fight.
All in all, it's not a bad holiday.
( theme music playing ) ( Roseanne laughing ) Well, Mr.
Turkey, Tomorrow's the big day! We'll roast you up, set you on a platter And then we'll be the ones going "gobble gobble gobble!" ( laughing ) Get it? Well, you had to cut off his head And pluck him and truss him, But you finally found an audience.
Hey, chief.
Have fun at your thanksgiving pageant.
Yeah, break a leg.
Oh, don't feel bad you can't come.
I mean, it's my fault.
I really should have told you sooner.
That's okay.
D.
J.
, there's something I have to tell you.
What? We are coming! Get your coat, Dan! Done! No way! I mean, you're just gonna embarrass me.
Like the time you drank that kid's pop at the science fair.
How was I supposed to know he was dissolving coins at the bottom? Besides, it bumped you up to honorable mention.
But what about the baby? ( laughs ) there's not a babysitter dumb enough in town To come to this house.
Luckily for you, your dear sweet grandmother Volunteered to babysit.
I like my other grandma better! Suck up all you want, d.
J.
, but we're still going.
( whining ) come on! I mean, this is really important to me.
I mean, we've been rehearsing for months.
( crying ) I mean, it would mean so much to me if you didn't come.
Sorry, Deej.
But other kids have to deal with disappointments like this.
It's about time you learned that we won't be able to miss all your school events.
But we will try our best to skip your graduation.
Come on, Deej, it could be worse.
Someone you really hate could be coming.
Yeah, someone like Nice skirt, loser.
Let's go.
This day couldn't get any worse.
"x" Thanks for the "x-files" that we watch.
"y" Thanks for "you" who came to see us.
"z" Thanks for the "z"s that dad catches on the couch.
Thanks for the alphabet that only has 26 letters.
- we're done.
- ( applauding ) Darlene, you just missed my eye.
Yeah, I know.
I'm a little off today.
This is the dullest thanksgiving program ever.
We're definitely bringing liquor to the christmas pageant.
Sorry i'm late.
What'd I miss? The knicks against the celtics and "n.
Y.
P.
D.
Blue.
" Oh, you mean here.
You didn't save me a seat.
Uh, could you move over one seat? ( chuckles ) oh, i'm not getting up.
This ought to be good, she looks like a bleeder.
If I were you I'd get up.
Oh, it's good to be back in the old auditorium.
Those drama classes were Some of my sweetest memories.
There's nothing like the rush of an ensemble, Young artists honing their crafts.
You know, Jackie, all you did Was pull the curtain up and down.
( laughing ) "all I did!" Man over p.
A.
: good evening, everyone.
Our last presentation of the evening Comes from the 9th-grade history class.
I hope you enjoy it.
The great river flows.
The mighty wind howls.
Let me take you back-- back to a time When the harvest was bountiful And the sun shone brightly Across the peaceful native plains.
Curtain went up way too fast.
Not smooth at all.
Jerky.
Well, maybe the curtain-puller Found out that you were in the audience And just freaked under the pressure.
My father, we have prepared vast amounts of food.
Surely it is more than our group needs.
You are right, running deer.
Let us invite the strangers From across the big water to join us, For they have no food themselves.
Bring on our brothers From faraway land, They who call themselves saints, To join us and celebrate the great harvest.
Welcome, brothers.
Share in our bountiful feast.
Looks like there's not enough seats at the table.
Then we shall make more benches.
Nah.
Let's make some dead indians! ( surfer music playing ) ( shouting ) Stop! We invited you here in peace and harmony.
Looks like we're gonna have to get medieval on this savage.
Pow! ( groaning dramatically ) ( grunting ) ( whistling, applauding ) All right, d.
J.
, way to die! All right! I'd like to introduce our teacher Mr.
Hill.
( scattered applause ) So, how long you been pulling the old curtain? This was my first time.
I don't mean to be rough, but it shows.
- you mind if I give you a couple of pointers? - uh, actually-- You want to develop a smooth, fluid rhythm.
Don't pull the curtain up, Let the curtain pull you down.
And that way you can take a piece of that applause for yourself.
I am so proud of you, son.
You died real good! That was really a cool play, d.
J.
And i'm not just saying that because It's the only play i've ever seen.
Hey, mom! People are watching! I've been there, Deej.
Safest thing to do is just go limp.
( Dan chuckling ) Jeez! ( huffs ) God, Roseanne, could you believe how horrible that play was? What are you talking about? I give it two thumbs up.
And a couple other fingers too.
Well, i'm just sorry I let my son be in it.
It was nothing but violent propaganda.
Hey, the play was violent Because that's the way everything was back then.
Or don't you rent videotapes? Did I hear you just defending that? Do you know what that was? Drivel.
Yeah! Drivel and tripe.
Revisionist drivel and tripe.
And that's the worst kind.
I can't believe that you guys still believe All the stuff they taught us in high school.
Man, i'm just glad I was out In the smoking area the whole time.
Listen, believing that stuff in those history books Is what got me where I am today-- Assistant director of sales for the midwest division Of mohawk mutual and life.
Look, american history comes down to a couple of words-- People came here for the freedom.
Excuse me? Yeah, well Uh All i'm just saying is That I don't want my tax money Going towards this kind of violence in school.
Oh, come on.
I mean, violence is the only truth That can cleanse the corrupt bourgeois establishment Of its hypocrisy and inequality.
That's communist talk! No, that's college talk.
Her first shift selling lawn furniture at wal-mart Will cool her off.
So, did you folks all enjoy the play? Oh, I thought it was great.
Yeah, I thought it was pretty cool.
Thanks for your support.
You know, but some of the people here are kind of upset Because the story doesn't seem to agree with the thanksgiving story They read on the butterball wrapper.
Excuse me.
But it just so happens That my great great great grandmother - was an authentic - both: cherokee princess.
Hey, i'm sorry.
There's no such thing As a princess among native people.
You are so busted.
And your roots are brown.
( gasps ) You've got to admit those pilgrims were brave.
They came over here and discovered america.
How can they discover america if my people already lived there? You know, that's like me going outside And discovering someone else's porch.
Yeah, that's like the time my husband Shimmied up the telephone pole and discovered cable.
I thought it was pretty cool, you know? But I have to tell you, I will never laugh at "f-troop" again No matter how funny that larry storch is.
Don't even get me started on "f-troop.
" I mean, i've never seen an indian person ever go Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! You know, i've seen drunk rednecks do it a lot.
You know, the pilgrims came here Because of a religious conflict.
And now there's still a religious conflict.
Catholics are upset with my people Because we stole their most sacred ceremony Bingo.
Let me tell you about the real thanksgiving.
This is what happened: you see, a long time ago When my people met the pilgrims, They called themselves saints.
English people sure love to give themselves titles.
( dogs barking, birds twittering ) My father, we have prepared vast amounts of food.
Surely it is more than we need.
You're right, my son.
Let's invite our brothers from across the big water.
They who call themselves the pilgrims, To join us in a feast of thanks for giving.
Come, my brothers.
You're welcome.
Who's elk horn do I have to blow To get something to eat around here? Hill: it's true the pilgrims were starving and we fed them.
We also taught them how to grow corn and how to survive.
And we could have taught them so much more, But they stopped listening Because what we had to say didn't go along With how they thought men and women should be.
I saw ye! Thou was having impure thoughts.
For shame! No, I-I was not.
I was-- I was just-- Yeah, I was.
Now, son, Thou knowest what this means.
Grab ye a switch and flog thyself.
I get impure thoughts when I do that too.
Listen here, young man.
Let me explaineth it for you.
You see Male-female interactions They are but for one purpose only-- The production of children.
Besides, i've heard it is nothing to be enjoyed.
Not if it's done right.
Luckily, i'm barren so my husband and I Have never been forced to have sex.
Praise be to god.
Both: amen.
Yay.
Praise be to god.
Yes, I understand now.
I will go flog myself.
These people have no lawyers, guns or money.
Ah.
There's nothing to stop us From making this our own golf course.
They have strong backs, they'll maketh fine caddies.
Here, come and enjoy our bounty.
Bounty "the quicker picker upper.
" What a bunch of buckle heads.
Why don't you sit at the table with the men? Nix nix.
We are trying to keep their weight down For the swimsuit portion of the miss pilgrim competition.
We waiteth our turn and happily pick off their bones.
The men always eat first.
But there's enough food for everyone.
Hey, chief, chief.
The system worketh.
Watch.
Oh, dear! Go waiteth thou in the woods Until I have finished eating.
When I am finished, I will call thee.
Yes, husband.
To the system.
Men: to the system! ( speaking native american language ) Don't you knock? Sorry.
Come in, young one.
Nice hut.
I've been watching you and your people And she would not approve Of imbalance of your spirit.
She? She who? Our mother earth.
The earth is a woman? No, that's nothing but heathen talk.
I'll tell you how the world works.
There is one god.
He's in heaven sitting on a throne So he can damn everything.
The end.
Daughter, sit.
I have much to tell you.
Heaven and earth are the same.
Man exists with woman.
He's part of woman.
Woman gives life to man.
I cannot understand what you're talking about.
Well, you should understand.
You're a woman.
Women give life Like the earth does.
You thought all this up while you were just Sitting here in this hut? Well, I get out some.
The occasional walk, you know.
Dan: Rose anne! We art leaving! ( sighs ) I don't know what to do.
I would love to stay here and learn more from you.
Well, then buy my cassettes in the lobby.
Dan: Rose anne! Who is that? That's my husband, Newton gingrinch conner.
The three sisters are beans, squash and corn.
And? And they knew if they planted them all together they would grow taller.
And? And I hate having my teacher over for thanksgiving! ( laughs ) Well, this has been great.
Yeah, especially since we invited you and you brought all the food.
I'll say.
What are you doing next year? Well, you made that delicious turkey.
All I can say is Thanks for giving.
This may be a little late, but on behalf of the pilgrims, thanks for feeding us.
Thanks for helping us to understand more about your culture.
But your people are doing a lot better now What with the casinos and the cigarettes.
Well said, Mrs.
Harris.
- hey, Mr.
Hill.
- yeah? Why don't we do the friendship dance? Friendship dance? Uh, floyd? Well I just happened to bring my drum here.
The drum is the heartbeat.
- ( drumming ) - I usually don't dance till after the last call, So you'll have to lead.
Here, i'll show you.
Nobody leads.
Nobody leads.
Hey, I get it.
This is like that jewish dance, the hora.
( chuckles ) And the hokey-pokey! One people.
We do this at the senior center! ( singing ) This is called "the laughing song.
" and it's for you, little buddy.
( singing ) ( all laughing ) Yay! ( theme music playing )