The King of Queens s08e08 Episode Script
Move Doubt
HEY.
HELLO.
OK, UH BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.
I DON'T WANT ANY MONEY.
I JUST WANT A LITTLE SUGAR FROM MY MAN.
WELL, I AM A GOOD SOURCE OF SUGAR.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
I'M GONNA TAKE OVER.
SHH, SHH, SHH.
HEH! ALL RIGHT.
AAH! SISTER CHRISTIAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HONEY, I'M SORRY.
I HAD TO.
IT WAS HUGE.
IT WAS CASTING A SHADOW OVER YOUR FACE.
MY EYES ARE WATERIN'.
HONEY, I'M SORRY.
LOOK, YOU'RE A GOOD-LOOKING GUY, AND I JUST WANT YOU TO LOOK YOUR BEST, OK? OK, IT'S OVER.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
NOW, COME ON.
LET'S GET BACK TO BUSINESS.
THERE YOU GO, YOU LITTLE SEXY THING.
JUST THE NOSE HAIRS.
IT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
OK, YOU'RE ABOUT 70 POUNDS FROM THAT COUCH HIDING YOU.
HELP ME.
YEAH, YOU JUST WAIT TILL I GET MY SUIT MADE OUT OF COUCH FABRIC.
YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN.
CANDIED YAMS? WHO THE HELL DO THEY THINK THEY'RE FOOLIN'? HEY, DID YOU SEE THE FOR SALE SIGN NEXT DOOR? THE FOREIGN COUPLE'S MOVING OUT.
REALLY? THAT SUCKS.
THEY WERE- THEY WERE GOOD NEIGHBORS.
THEY REALLY KNEW HOW TO LEAVE YOU ALONE.
WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THE NEW CRAP, YOU'RE RIGHT.
NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO TELL THEM MY NAME, WHAT I DO AW, I'VE GOT TO LIE DOWN.
NO, NO.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! DEACON AND KELLY ARE LOOKING FOR A NEW HOUSE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEM LIVING RIGHT NEXT DOOR? YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT? NOTHING! THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT! ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA CALL KELLY RIGHT NOW.
PUT THIS STUFF AWAY.
ALL RIGHT.
OOH, CHOCOLATE CHIP POUND CAKE.
DON'T GET TOO COMFORTABLE.
DEACON AND KELLY AREN'T HERE YET? NO.
YOU TOLD THEM 10:00, RIGHT? YES.
COULD YOU NOT YELL AT ME IN FRONT OF PEOPLE? JUST TAKE ME ASIDE.
OK, BABY, I'M SORRY.
I JUST DON'T WANT SOMEBODY ELSE TO GET THE HOUSE, THAT'S ALL.
BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.
LOOK AT THAT GUY.
HE'S GOT "METH LAB" WRITTEN ALL OVER HIM.
HEY! HEY! HEY, YOU GUYS! WELCOME TO YOUR NEW HOME.
HEY! DOUG TOLD ME THE HOUSE WAS ON YOUR STREET.
DIDN'T SAY IT WAS RIGHT NEXT DOOR.
TOLD YOU THERE WAS A GREAT VIEW.
TURNS OUT IT'S OF THIS.
RIGHT.
LET ME GIVE YOU THE GRAND TOUR.
LET'S START WITH THE KITCHEN.
I WILL, UH POINT OUT EVERYBODY I HATE FROM THE WINDOW.
I'M TELLIN' YOU, IT'S FINE THIS COLOR SCHEME DOESN'T MATCH ANYTHING WE OWN.
SO WE'LL RE-PAPER.
YEAH, BY "WE" YOU MEAN ME.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE? WELL, WE HEARD THE PLACE WAS FOR SALE, AND WE THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE THE PERFECT STARTER HOUSE FOR US.
OK, AND JUST TO CHECK ONE MORE TIME, YOU TWO AREN'T RAISING WHITE TIGERS? DOUG, OPEN YOUR EYES.
A LOT OF YOUNG, STRAIGHT GUYS BUY HOUSES TOGETHER.
ALL RIGHT, THAT COULDN'T BE ANY LESS TRUE.
HEY, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOUR NEIGHBOR WAS A FELLOW ALBANIAN, MAN.
WASSILY'S A SWEETHEART.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE? ME AND SPENCE ARE THINKING ABOUT DIPPING OUR TOES IN THE HOMEOWNER POOL.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS DEACON AND KELLY'S HOUSE.
WHATEVER FREAKY THING YOU TWO GOT GOING AIN'T HAPPENING HERE, BUDDY.
EXCUSE ME, CARRIE, ALL RIGHT, BUT I THINK THIS IS A FREE- IT ONLY GETS WORSE FROM HERE.
WALK AWAY.
WASSILY, I'M SORRY.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO PASS.
OH, TOO BAD.
BUT GOOD TO MEET A NICE YOUNG ALBANIAN LIKE YOURSELF.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY- VERY GOOD.
THIS IS MY NIECE, ZANA.
SHE JUST CAME FROM SHKODER.
OH, REALLY? WELL HEH, WUZZUP? HEY, WHAT'D YA- WHAT'D YA THINK? IT'S-IT'S REALLY NICE.
YEAH.
YEAH, LISTEN.
UH, THIS PLACE IS GONNA GO FAST, SO YOU GUYS SHOULD COME IN RIGHT IN AT ASKING.
OR, YOU KNOW, EVEN LESS THAN ASKING.
YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO? WE SHOULD PUT IN A FAKE BID.
OK, THAT WOULD DRIVE THE PRICE UP.
DO ME A FAVOR.
JUST LEAVE THE REAL ESTATE STUFF TO ME, OK? OK, WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE YOUR ATTITUDE- GUYS, GUYS, GUYS! WE'RE GETTING A LITTLE AHEAD OF OURSELVES HERE.
YEAH, I MEAN, WE'RE NOT REALLY SURE THAT THIS IS THE RIGHT PLACE FOR US.
WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? IT HAS EVERYTHING YOU SAID YOU WANTED BACKYARD, SKYLIGHTS.
IN CASE YOU GOT A CAR AND A HALF.
WELL, YEAH, BUT WE WERE JUST DOWN IN THE BASEMENT, AND YOU KNOW, WE WERE A LITTLE CONCERNED ABOUT THE- THE WATER HEATER.
YEAH! IT'S NO GOOD.
OH.
OK.
ALL RIGHT, DON'T WE HAVE TO GO SEE THAT OTHER HOUSE IN 20 MINUTES? OH, YEAH.
W- WE BETTER SCOOT.
YEAH.
THANKS AGAIN FOR THINKING OF US.
YEAH, NO PRO - LET ME JUST GET YOU A LISTING YEAH, GIVE HER THIS YOU GOT YEAH, YEAH.
BOY, THEY, UH THEY SURE GOT OUT OF THERE FAST, HUH? YEAH, WELL, WHEN YOU GOTTA SCOOT, YOU GOTTA SCOOT.
MM-HMM.
EVEN IF IT MEANS TAKING OUT A MAILBOX.
WELL, YOU KNOW, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO HAVE THEM AS NEIGHBORS, BUT YOU DON'T WANNA MESS WITH A BAD WATER HEATER.
MM-MMM.
NO, YOU DO NOT, MY FRIEND.
ALTHOUGH, IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO REPLACE A WATER HEATER MM-HMM.
BUT THERE'S GOTTA BE SOME OTHER REASON OH, COME ON, IT'S US! NO, THERE'S GOTTA BE A MILLION DIFFERENT THINGS IT COULD HAVE BEEN.
ALL RIGHT, LIKE WHAT? I GOT NOTHING.
THEY HATE US.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IF THEY DON'T WANT TO BE OUR NEIGHBORS, THEN IT'S THEIR LOSS.
YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE RIGHT! THEY JUST MISSED OUT ON THE RIDE OF THEIR LIVES.
YOU ARE SO RIGHT.
SO WHAT'S FOR DINNER? FISHSTICKS AND CORN NIBLETS.
NICE.
I'M GONNA TAKE A NAP.
OH, MAN.
HEY, HEY! TELL HER I SAID, UH WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH COMMERCIALS AT THE MOVIES? SPENCE WHERE IS BAHNAH? OH, THAT'S BATHROOM.
UH, IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE.
SO, UH YOU WANNA TAKE OFF NOW? WHAT? YEAH! WELL, ZANA IS CLEARLY DIGGING ME.
SO, UH, WHY DON'T YOU GO TO A DINER AND GET YOURSELF AN OPEN FACED TURKEY SANDWICH? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SHOULD GO GET AN OPEN FACED TURKEY SANDWICH.
SHE HASN'T SAID ONE WORD TO YOU ALL NIGHT.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND HER LITTLE LANGUAGE, BUT, BELIEVE ME, BUDDY.
SPARKS ARE FLYING.
YOU'RE CRAZY! ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S LET ZANA SETTLE THIS.
WHEN SHE COMES OUT HERE, LET'S SEE WHO SHE COMES TO.
OH, OK! OH HO, HO.
HEY, MAN.
HOW'S IT GOING? GOOD, JUST TRYING TO WORK UP MY APPETITE FOR SECOND LUNCH.
DON'T WORRY, MAN.
YOU'LL GET THERE.
SO, UH HOW'D THAT OTHER HOUSE WORK OUT? OH I-IT WAS NICE WE-WE MIGHT PUT AN OFFER IN ON IT.
WOW, THAT WAS KIND OF FAST, HUH? SO I GUESS THE WATER HEATER CHECKED OUT, HUH? YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH, IT SEEMED FINE.
COOL! YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT, I- I'M GONNA HEAD BACK OUT- YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M A BIG BOY, ALL RIGHT? IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LIVE NEXT DOOR TO ME, JUST SAY IT.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, THE THING IS- NO, NO, NO! I CHANGED MY MIND.
DON'T SAY IT.
DON'T GET ALL CRAZY, HERE.
LOOK, IT'S NOT YOU.
IT'S CARRIE.
CARRIE? YOU DON'T WANT TO LIVE NEXT DOOR TO CARRIE? YES! NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE! WELL, DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I MEAN, CARRIE'S GREAT, BUT SOMETIMES, SHE CAN BE- A LITTLE ANNOYING.
OH, YOU SHOULD SEE HER BEFORE SHE'S HAD HER COFFEE, YOU KNOW.
LUCIFER! IT'S CRAZY, YEAH.
ANYWAY, I-I-I'M SORRY ABOUT ALL THIS.
DON'T BE! YOU KNOW, HEY, I'M SORRY.
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE BELIEVE ME, WE LOVE CARRIE.
OH, YEAH.
ME, TOO.
I DO, TOO, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, WE THINK HE'S GREAT, BUT A LITTLE DOUG GOES A LONG WAY.
HEY.
PREACHER, CHOIR.
SOMETIMES WHEN I PULL UP TO THE HOUSE, AND I SEE THE LIGHTS ARE ON, I WANNA JUST KEEP DRIVING.
HEY, BABY! I GOTTA GO PICK UP THE KIDS.
YEAH, I BETTER START DINNER.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER, DOUG.
YEAH, TAKE CARE, AND, UH Thanks for putting up with BOY, THAT KELLY, SHE'S GOOD PEOPLE, HUH? YEAH, SHE IS.
WE ACTUALLY HAD A LONG TALK ABOUT THE WHOLE HOUSE THING.
WHAT DID SHE SAY? TURNS OUT THAT ACTUALLY IT WAS THE WATER HEATER! WELL, THERE YOU GO! YEAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE WE THOUGHT WE WERE THE PROBLEM! NOPE.
PROBLEM DEFINITELY WASN'T US.
I KNOW.
HEY, DANNY? DANNY? YEAH? HEY.
I'M GOING OUT AS SOON AS ZANA GETS HERE.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, YOU GUYS HAVE A GREAT TIME.
ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN THANKS FOR STEPPING ASIDE, DANNY.
YOU'RE YOU'RE A SOLID DUDE.
NO PROBLEM, BUDDY.
MMM? WHAT ARE YOU COOKING? A LITTLE DINNER.
THIS IS TAVE KOSI, THE NATIONAL DISH OF ALBANIA.
SO? GUY CAN'T HAVE SOME BAKED LAMB AND YOGURT WITHOUT YOU MAKING A FEDERAL CASE OF IT? WAIT A MINUTE WHERE IS THE LIBRARY? THIS ISN'T BILLY OCEAN.
YOU'RE LEARNING CONVERSATIONAL ALBANIAN! YEAH, YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I AM, AND IN 3 TAPES FROM NOW, I'LL BE FLUENT, AND ZANA WILL BE MINE.
DANNY? YOU BASTARD.
TAVE KOSI! YEAH, WELL, I JUST WHIPPED IT UP.
OH, HEY IT MUST BE THE NEW NEIGHBORS.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GO BACK INSIDE BEFORE THEY SEE US.
WAIT, WAIT, WHAT ABOUT THE HOT DOG BUNS? DOUG, JUST GET INSIDE! I CAN'T.
I JUST MADE EYE CONTACT.
WHY DO YOU GOTTA LOOK AT EVERYBODY! HEY! HEY! HI! YOU GUYS MUST BE THE NEW OWNERS? WELL, IN ABOUT I HEAR THAT.
DOUG AND CARRIE HEFFERNAN.
JEFF O'LEARY.
MY WIFE, STEPHANIE.
HI, DOUG.
HI, CARRIE.
HI.
HEY, DID YOU ROB A PLAYGROUND? NO, NO, NO! THEY'RE ALL OURS.
THE REST ARE IN THE HOUSE.
THE REST? HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE? WE'VE GOT 8.
YEAH.
HOW ARE YOU ABLE TO WALK? JEFF'S, AND WE ADOPTED CHI LONG AND TESSA.
SO, YOU GUYS HAVE ANY CHILDREN? ONE.
OLD MAN.
WE- WE HAVE AN OLD MAN.
OH.
WHOA! SLOW IT DOWN THERE, SPEEDY.
I'LL GIVE YOU A TICKET! SO, UH YOU THINK THIS HOUSE IS BIG ENOUGH FOR YOU GUYS? WE ALWAYS SAY, LOVE FINDS A WAY.
PLUS WE'RE ADDING A THIRD STORY.
AND IT BETTER GET DONE FAST, 'CAUSE WE'RE PREGNANT! WOW, THEY REALLY GOT THAT CONSTRUCTION CREW WORKING LATE, HUH? ACTUALLY, IT'S PEOPLE FROM THEIR CHURCH.
THEY COME IN SHIFTS.
IT'S LIKE THE AMISH WITH POWER TOOLS.
IF IT WASN'T FOR HIM, I'D BE LIVING NEXT TO DEACON AND KELLY NOW, INSTEAD OF THE FREAKIN' OSMONDS.
SHE RUINS EVERYTHING FOR ME.
I SHOULD'VE LISTENED TO MY FRIENDS AND MARRIED PAUL.
EVERYBODY LOVED HIM.
IF ONLY SHE MARRIED PAUL, THEN IT'D JUST BE ME, DEACON, AND KELLY.
LISTEN, TOMORROW I MIGHT BE LATE, BECAUSE, UH, THEY'RE SWITCHING ROUTES ON ME, FROM NORTHERN BOULEVARD TO LEFRAK.
IT'S FEWER STOPS, BUT IT'S A LOT MORE TRAFFIC ANOTHER DRIVING STORY.
ANY GUN SHOPS ON YOUR ROUTE, 'CAUSE I'D LIKE TO PUT A BULLET IN MY HEAD.
LIKE 71st STREET ALL THE WAY TO THE BRIDGE.
I MADE IT NO SWEAT.
MORE POTATOES, BABY? OH, OK.
PIG.
I HATE HER FACE.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.
DOUG, WAKE UP.
DOUG, WAKE UP! OW! GOD.
HOW ARE YOU SLEEPING THROUGH THIS NOISE? 'CAUSE NO ONE WAS PINCHING ME.
HONEY, GO OVER THERE AND TELL THEM TO KEEP IT DOWN, PLEASE.
WHY CAN'T YOU? 'CAUSE LAST TIME I CHECKED, YOU WERE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE.
LAST TIME YOU CHECKED WAS ABOUT 3 WEEKS AGO, SO WHY- JUST GO.
ALL RIGHT! HEY, IS YOUR, UH, YOUR DAD AROUND? WANNA SEE ME DO A CARTWHEEL? NO, I'M GOOD.
JUST GET DADDY.
HEY! OH, OK.
VERY FUNNY, GUYS, OK? YOU GOT ME.
NOW-NOW, COOL IT, OK? ALL RIGHT? HEY, HEY, I SAID COOL IT, OR THERE'S GONNA BE BIG TROUBLE! YOU'RE FAT! OH? YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE ADOPTED.
AH! HEY! AH, TRY AND GET ME NOW! HA HA HA! OH, NICE TRY, PUNKY BREWSTER, BUT YOU'RE A LITTLE LATE.
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE BIG DOG! HA HA HA HA! WHY AM I STILL HEARING NOISE? THEY TRIED TO KILL ME WITH AN AIRPLANE.
AGAIN, WHY AM I STILL HEARING NOISE? YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU WANT 'EM TO BE QUIET, YOU TAKE CARE OF IT.
YOU'RE THE REASON THEY'RE LIVING THERE ANYWAY.
WHAT? DEACON AND KELLY DIDN'T TAKE THE PLACE BECAUSE OF YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE THE WATER HEATER, BABY.
NO, THEY WERE DYING TO LIVE NEXT DOOR TO ME.
YOU'RE THE WATER HEATER.
NOW THAT'S THE WATER HEATER CALLING THE WATER HEATER A WATER HEATER.
OK.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I TALKED TO KELLY.
YEAH, WELL, I TALKED TO DEACON! WHAT KIND OF SICK GAME ARE THEY PLAYING? WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ZANA AND I ARE GOING FOLK DANCING.
NO WAY.
ZANA AND I ARE BAKING SWEET BREAD TONIGHT.
YEAH.
SHE'S GONNA PASS UP THESE MOVES- FOR BREAD? LET'S SETTLE THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL.
YEAH, LET'S DO IT.
ALL RIGHT.
HI! HEY! UH I HAVE YOU MEET BASHKIM! OH! IS HE YOUR, UH BOY-BOYFRIEND? YOUR DASHNOR? NO, NO, NO.
NO DASHNOR.
HE IS LIKE YOU.
WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HOW DO YOU SAY? UM THE GAY.
THE GAY?! WE'RE NOT THE GAY.
BUT YOU LOOK FOR HOUSE TOGETHER, I MEAN, DO MATH.
NOW I MUST GO.
I HAVE DATE WITH A DRUMMER.
HEY, GUYS.
WHAT A NICE SURPRI- OH, SAVE IT! WHAT UP? WHAT UP? YOUR LITTLE WEB OF LIES, THAT WHAT UP.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YEAH, WHY DIDN'T YOU WANT THE HOUSE? IS IT ME, IS IT HIM, IS IT BOTH OF US? WHAT? YEAH, WE'RE NOT LEAVING HERE UNTIL WE GET AN ANSWER.
LOOK, WE TOLD YOU ALL THAT STUFF, 'CAUSE WE DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU THE REAL REASON.
THE TRUTH IS WE'VE BEEN HAVING SOME PROBLEMS AGAIN.
YOU MEAN, LIKE, MARRIAGE STUFF? YEAH.
I'M SORRY.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US? WE DIDN'T WANT TO BURDEN YOU.
ANYWAYS, WITH, UH, ALL THAT GOING ON, IT'S NOT THE GREATEST IDEA FOR US TO BE BUYING A HOUSE, RIGHT NOW.
AT LEAST, NOT TILL HE GETS HIS ACT TOGETHER.
HEY, WE BOTH GOT WORK TO DO.
OK, LOOK, LISTEN WE'RE GONNA GET GOING.
JUST-JUST KNOW THAT WE'RE WE'RE JUST A PHONE CALL AWAY.
Yeah.
THANKS, MAN.
SEE, I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP.
IT'S A SHAME.
EVERYBODY DOESN'T HAVE WHAT WE HAVE, HUH? YEAH.
LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
MM-HMM.
SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA TELL 'EM WHEN WE BUY THAT OTHER HOUSE TOMORROW? WHO CARES? IT'S NOT NEXT TO THEM.
STOP TRYING TO GET HIM TO DANCE! HE'S BAKING WITH ME!
HELLO.
OK, UH BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.
I DON'T WANT ANY MONEY.
I JUST WANT A LITTLE SUGAR FROM MY MAN.
WELL, I AM A GOOD SOURCE OF SUGAR.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
I'M GONNA TAKE OVER.
SHH, SHH, SHH.
HEH! ALL RIGHT.
AAH! SISTER CHRISTIAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HONEY, I'M SORRY.
I HAD TO.
IT WAS HUGE.
IT WAS CASTING A SHADOW OVER YOUR FACE.
MY EYES ARE WATERIN'.
HONEY, I'M SORRY.
LOOK, YOU'RE A GOOD-LOOKING GUY, AND I JUST WANT YOU TO LOOK YOUR BEST, OK? OK, IT'S OVER.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
NOW, COME ON.
LET'S GET BACK TO BUSINESS.
THERE YOU GO, YOU LITTLE SEXY THING.
JUST THE NOSE HAIRS.
IT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
OK, YOU'RE ABOUT 70 POUNDS FROM THAT COUCH HIDING YOU.
HELP ME.
YEAH, YOU JUST WAIT TILL I GET MY SUIT MADE OUT OF COUCH FABRIC.
YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN.
CANDIED YAMS? WHO THE HELL DO THEY THINK THEY'RE FOOLIN'? HEY, DID YOU SEE THE FOR SALE SIGN NEXT DOOR? THE FOREIGN COUPLE'S MOVING OUT.
REALLY? THAT SUCKS.
THEY WERE- THEY WERE GOOD NEIGHBORS.
THEY REALLY KNEW HOW TO LEAVE YOU ALONE.
WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THE NEW CRAP, YOU'RE RIGHT.
NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO TELL THEM MY NAME, WHAT I DO AW, I'VE GOT TO LIE DOWN.
NO, NO.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! DEACON AND KELLY ARE LOOKING FOR A NEW HOUSE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEM LIVING RIGHT NEXT DOOR? YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT? NOTHING! THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT! ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA CALL KELLY RIGHT NOW.
PUT THIS STUFF AWAY.
ALL RIGHT.
OOH, CHOCOLATE CHIP POUND CAKE.
DON'T GET TOO COMFORTABLE.
DEACON AND KELLY AREN'T HERE YET? NO.
YOU TOLD THEM 10:00, RIGHT? YES.
COULD YOU NOT YELL AT ME IN FRONT OF PEOPLE? JUST TAKE ME ASIDE.
OK, BABY, I'M SORRY.
I JUST DON'T WANT SOMEBODY ELSE TO GET THE HOUSE, THAT'S ALL.
BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.
LOOK AT THAT GUY.
HE'S GOT "METH LAB" WRITTEN ALL OVER HIM.
HEY! HEY! HEY, YOU GUYS! WELCOME TO YOUR NEW HOME.
HEY! DOUG TOLD ME THE HOUSE WAS ON YOUR STREET.
DIDN'T SAY IT WAS RIGHT NEXT DOOR.
TOLD YOU THERE WAS A GREAT VIEW.
TURNS OUT IT'S OF THIS.
RIGHT.
LET ME GIVE YOU THE GRAND TOUR.
LET'S START WITH THE KITCHEN.
I WILL, UH POINT OUT EVERYBODY I HATE FROM THE WINDOW.
I'M TELLIN' YOU, IT'S FINE THIS COLOR SCHEME DOESN'T MATCH ANYTHING WE OWN.
SO WE'LL RE-PAPER.
YEAH, BY "WE" YOU MEAN ME.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE? WELL, WE HEARD THE PLACE WAS FOR SALE, AND WE THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE THE PERFECT STARTER HOUSE FOR US.
OK, AND JUST TO CHECK ONE MORE TIME, YOU TWO AREN'T RAISING WHITE TIGERS? DOUG, OPEN YOUR EYES.
A LOT OF YOUNG, STRAIGHT GUYS BUY HOUSES TOGETHER.
ALL RIGHT, THAT COULDN'T BE ANY LESS TRUE.
HEY, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOUR NEIGHBOR WAS A FELLOW ALBANIAN, MAN.
WASSILY'S A SWEETHEART.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE? ME AND SPENCE ARE THINKING ABOUT DIPPING OUR TOES IN THE HOMEOWNER POOL.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS DEACON AND KELLY'S HOUSE.
WHATEVER FREAKY THING YOU TWO GOT GOING AIN'T HAPPENING HERE, BUDDY.
EXCUSE ME, CARRIE, ALL RIGHT, BUT I THINK THIS IS A FREE- IT ONLY GETS WORSE FROM HERE.
WALK AWAY.
WASSILY, I'M SORRY.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO PASS.
OH, TOO BAD.
BUT GOOD TO MEET A NICE YOUNG ALBANIAN LIKE YOURSELF.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY- VERY GOOD.
THIS IS MY NIECE, ZANA.
SHE JUST CAME FROM SHKODER.
OH, REALLY? WELL HEH, WUZZUP? HEY, WHAT'D YA- WHAT'D YA THINK? IT'S-IT'S REALLY NICE.
YEAH.
YEAH, LISTEN.
UH, THIS PLACE IS GONNA GO FAST, SO YOU GUYS SHOULD COME IN RIGHT IN AT ASKING.
OR, YOU KNOW, EVEN LESS THAN ASKING.
YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO? WE SHOULD PUT IN A FAKE BID.
OK, THAT WOULD DRIVE THE PRICE UP.
DO ME A FAVOR.
JUST LEAVE THE REAL ESTATE STUFF TO ME, OK? OK, WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE YOUR ATTITUDE- GUYS, GUYS, GUYS! WE'RE GETTING A LITTLE AHEAD OF OURSELVES HERE.
YEAH, I MEAN, WE'RE NOT REALLY SURE THAT THIS IS THE RIGHT PLACE FOR US.
WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? IT HAS EVERYTHING YOU SAID YOU WANTED BACKYARD, SKYLIGHTS.
IN CASE YOU GOT A CAR AND A HALF.
WELL, YEAH, BUT WE WERE JUST DOWN IN THE BASEMENT, AND YOU KNOW, WE WERE A LITTLE CONCERNED ABOUT THE- THE WATER HEATER.
YEAH! IT'S NO GOOD.
OH.
OK.
ALL RIGHT, DON'T WE HAVE TO GO SEE THAT OTHER HOUSE IN 20 MINUTES? OH, YEAH.
W- WE BETTER SCOOT.
YEAH.
THANKS AGAIN FOR THINKING OF US.
YEAH, NO PRO - LET ME JUST GET YOU A LISTING YEAH, GIVE HER THIS YOU GOT YEAH, YEAH.
BOY, THEY, UH THEY SURE GOT OUT OF THERE FAST, HUH? YEAH, WELL, WHEN YOU GOTTA SCOOT, YOU GOTTA SCOOT.
MM-HMM.
EVEN IF IT MEANS TAKING OUT A MAILBOX.
WELL, YOU KNOW, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO HAVE THEM AS NEIGHBORS, BUT YOU DON'T WANNA MESS WITH A BAD WATER HEATER.
MM-MMM.
NO, YOU DO NOT, MY FRIEND.
ALTHOUGH, IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO REPLACE A WATER HEATER MM-HMM.
BUT THERE'S GOTTA BE SOME OTHER REASON OH, COME ON, IT'S US! NO, THERE'S GOTTA BE A MILLION DIFFERENT THINGS IT COULD HAVE BEEN.
ALL RIGHT, LIKE WHAT? I GOT NOTHING.
THEY HATE US.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IF THEY DON'T WANT TO BE OUR NEIGHBORS, THEN IT'S THEIR LOSS.
YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE RIGHT! THEY JUST MISSED OUT ON THE RIDE OF THEIR LIVES.
YOU ARE SO RIGHT.
SO WHAT'S FOR DINNER? FISHSTICKS AND CORN NIBLETS.
NICE.
I'M GONNA TAKE A NAP.
OH, MAN.
HEY, HEY! TELL HER I SAID, UH WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH COMMERCIALS AT THE MOVIES? SPENCE WHERE IS BAHNAH? OH, THAT'S BATHROOM.
UH, IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE.
SO, UH YOU WANNA TAKE OFF NOW? WHAT? YEAH! WELL, ZANA IS CLEARLY DIGGING ME.
SO, UH, WHY DON'T YOU GO TO A DINER AND GET YOURSELF AN OPEN FACED TURKEY SANDWICH? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SHOULD GO GET AN OPEN FACED TURKEY SANDWICH.
SHE HASN'T SAID ONE WORD TO YOU ALL NIGHT.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND HER LITTLE LANGUAGE, BUT, BELIEVE ME, BUDDY.
SPARKS ARE FLYING.
YOU'RE CRAZY! ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S LET ZANA SETTLE THIS.
WHEN SHE COMES OUT HERE, LET'S SEE WHO SHE COMES TO.
OH, OK! OH HO, HO.
HEY, MAN.
HOW'S IT GOING? GOOD, JUST TRYING TO WORK UP MY APPETITE FOR SECOND LUNCH.
DON'T WORRY, MAN.
YOU'LL GET THERE.
SO, UH HOW'D THAT OTHER HOUSE WORK OUT? OH I-IT WAS NICE WE-WE MIGHT PUT AN OFFER IN ON IT.
WOW, THAT WAS KIND OF FAST, HUH? SO I GUESS THE WATER HEATER CHECKED OUT, HUH? YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH, IT SEEMED FINE.
COOL! YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT, I- I'M GONNA HEAD BACK OUT- YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M A BIG BOY, ALL RIGHT? IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LIVE NEXT DOOR TO ME, JUST SAY IT.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, THE THING IS- NO, NO, NO! I CHANGED MY MIND.
DON'T SAY IT.
DON'T GET ALL CRAZY, HERE.
LOOK, IT'S NOT YOU.
IT'S CARRIE.
CARRIE? YOU DON'T WANT TO LIVE NEXT DOOR TO CARRIE? YES! NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE! WELL, DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I MEAN, CARRIE'S GREAT, BUT SOMETIMES, SHE CAN BE- A LITTLE ANNOYING.
OH, YOU SHOULD SEE HER BEFORE SHE'S HAD HER COFFEE, YOU KNOW.
LUCIFER! IT'S CRAZY, YEAH.
ANYWAY, I-I-I'M SORRY ABOUT ALL THIS.
DON'T BE! YOU KNOW, HEY, I'M SORRY.
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE BELIEVE ME, WE LOVE CARRIE.
OH, YEAH.
ME, TOO.
I DO, TOO, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, WE THINK HE'S GREAT, BUT A LITTLE DOUG GOES A LONG WAY.
HEY.
PREACHER, CHOIR.
SOMETIMES WHEN I PULL UP TO THE HOUSE, AND I SEE THE LIGHTS ARE ON, I WANNA JUST KEEP DRIVING.
HEY, BABY! I GOTTA GO PICK UP THE KIDS.
YEAH, I BETTER START DINNER.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER, DOUG.
YEAH, TAKE CARE, AND, UH Thanks for putting up with BOY, THAT KELLY, SHE'S GOOD PEOPLE, HUH? YEAH, SHE IS.
WE ACTUALLY HAD A LONG TALK ABOUT THE WHOLE HOUSE THING.
WHAT DID SHE SAY? TURNS OUT THAT ACTUALLY IT WAS THE WATER HEATER! WELL, THERE YOU GO! YEAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE WE THOUGHT WE WERE THE PROBLEM! NOPE.
PROBLEM DEFINITELY WASN'T US.
I KNOW.
HEY, DANNY? DANNY? YEAH? HEY.
I'M GOING OUT AS SOON AS ZANA GETS HERE.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, YOU GUYS HAVE A GREAT TIME.
ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN THANKS FOR STEPPING ASIDE, DANNY.
YOU'RE YOU'RE A SOLID DUDE.
NO PROBLEM, BUDDY.
MMM? WHAT ARE YOU COOKING? A LITTLE DINNER.
THIS IS TAVE KOSI, THE NATIONAL DISH OF ALBANIA.
SO? GUY CAN'T HAVE SOME BAKED LAMB AND YOGURT WITHOUT YOU MAKING A FEDERAL CASE OF IT? WAIT A MINUTE WHERE IS THE LIBRARY? THIS ISN'T BILLY OCEAN.
YOU'RE LEARNING CONVERSATIONAL ALBANIAN! YEAH, YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I AM, AND IN 3 TAPES FROM NOW, I'LL BE FLUENT, AND ZANA WILL BE MINE.
DANNY? YOU BASTARD.
TAVE KOSI! YEAH, WELL, I JUST WHIPPED IT UP.
OH, HEY IT MUST BE THE NEW NEIGHBORS.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GO BACK INSIDE BEFORE THEY SEE US.
WAIT, WAIT, WHAT ABOUT THE HOT DOG BUNS? DOUG, JUST GET INSIDE! I CAN'T.
I JUST MADE EYE CONTACT.
WHY DO YOU GOTTA LOOK AT EVERYBODY! HEY! HEY! HI! YOU GUYS MUST BE THE NEW OWNERS? WELL, IN ABOUT I HEAR THAT.
DOUG AND CARRIE HEFFERNAN.
JEFF O'LEARY.
MY WIFE, STEPHANIE.
HI, DOUG.
HI, CARRIE.
HI.
HEY, DID YOU ROB A PLAYGROUND? NO, NO, NO! THEY'RE ALL OURS.
THE REST ARE IN THE HOUSE.
THE REST? HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE? WE'VE GOT 8.
YEAH.
HOW ARE YOU ABLE TO WALK? JEFF'S, AND WE ADOPTED CHI LONG AND TESSA.
SO, YOU GUYS HAVE ANY CHILDREN? ONE.
OLD MAN.
WE- WE HAVE AN OLD MAN.
OH.
WHOA! SLOW IT DOWN THERE, SPEEDY.
I'LL GIVE YOU A TICKET! SO, UH YOU THINK THIS HOUSE IS BIG ENOUGH FOR YOU GUYS? WE ALWAYS SAY, LOVE FINDS A WAY.
PLUS WE'RE ADDING A THIRD STORY.
AND IT BETTER GET DONE FAST, 'CAUSE WE'RE PREGNANT! WOW, THEY REALLY GOT THAT CONSTRUCTION CREW WORKING LATE, HUH? ACTUALLY, IT'S PEOPLE FROM THEIR CHURCH.
THEY COME IN SHIFTS.
IT'S LIKE THE AMISH WITH POWER TOOLS.
IF IT WASN'T FOR HIM, I'D BE LIVING NEXT TO DEACON AND KELLY NOW, INSTEAD OF THE FREAKIN' OSMONDS.
SHE RUINS EVERYTHING FOR ME.
I SHOULD'VE LISTENED TO MY FRIENDS AND MARRIED PAUL.
EVERYBODY LOVED HIM.
IF ONLY SHE MARRIED PAUL, THEN IT'D JUST BE ME, DEACON, AND KELLY.
LISTEN, TOMORROW I MIGHT BE LATE, BECAUSE, UH, THEY'RE SWITCHING ROUTES ON ME, FROM NORTHERN BOULEVARD TO LEFRAK.
IT'S FEWER STOPS, BUT IT'S A LOT MORE TRAFFIC ANOTHER DRIVING STORY.
ANY GUN SHOPS ON YOUR ROUTE, 'CAUSE I'D LIKE TO PUT A BULLET IN MY HEAD.
LIKE 71st STREET ALL THE WAY TO THE BRIDGE.
I MADE IT NO SWEAT.
MORE POTATOES, BABY? OH, OK.
PIG.
I HATE HER FACE.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.
DOUG, WAKE UP.
DOUG, WAKE UP! OW! GOD.
HOW ARE YOU SLEEPING THROUGH THIS NOISE? 'CAUSE NO ONE WAS PINCHING ME.
HONEY, GO OVER THERE AND TELL THEM TO KEEP IT DOWN, PLEASE.
WHY CAN'T YOU? 'CAUSE LAST TIME I CHECKED, YOU WERE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE.
LAST TIME YOU CHECKED WAS ABOUT 3 WEEKS AGO, SO WHY- JUST GO.
ALL RIGHT! HEY, IS YOUR, UH, YOUR DAD AROUND? WANNA SEE ME DO A CARTWHEEL? NO, I'M GOOD.
JUST GET DADDY.
HEY! OH, OK.
VERY FUNNY, GUYS, OK? YOU GOT ME.
NOW-NOW, COOL IT, OK? ALL RIGHT? HEY, HEY, I SAID COOL IT, OR THERE'S GONNA BE BIG TROUBLE! YOU'RE FAT! OH? YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE ADOPTED.
AH! HEY! AH, TRY AND GET ME NOW! HA HA HA! OH, NICE TRY, PUNKY BREWSTER, BUT YOU'RE A LITTLE LATE.
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE BIG DOG! HA HA HA HA! WHY AM I STILL HEARING NOISE? THEY TRIED TO KILL ME WITH AN AIRPLANE.
AGAIN, WHY AM I STILL HEARING NOISE? YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU WANT 'EM TO BE QUIET, YOU TAKE CARE OF IT.
YOU'RE THE REASON THEY'RE LIVING THERE ANYWAY.
WHAT? DEACON AND KELLY DIDN'T TAKE THE PLACE BECAUSE OF YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE THE WATER HEATER, BABY.
NO, THEY WERE DYING TO LIVE NEXT DOOR TO ME.
YOU'RE THE WATER HEATER.
NOW THAT'S THE WATER HEATER CALLING THE WATER HEATER A WATER HEATER.
OK.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I TALKED TO KELLY.
YEAH, WELL, I TALKED TO DEACON! WHAT KIND OF SICK GAME ARE THEY PLAYING? WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ZANA AND I ARE GOING FOLK DANCING.
NO WAY.
ZANA AND I ARE BAKING SWEET BREAD TONIGHT.
YEAH.
SHE'S GONNA PASS UP THESE MOVES- FOR BREAD? LET'S SETTLE THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL.
YEAH, LET'S DO IT.
ALL RIGHT.
HI! HEY! UH I HAVE YOU MEET BASHKIM! OH! IS HE YOUR, UH BOY-BOYFRIEND? YOUR DASHNOR? NO, NO, NO.
NO DASHNOR.
HE IS LIKE YOU.
WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HOW DO YOU SAY? UM THE GAY.
THE GAY?! WE'RE NOT THE GAY.
BUT YOU LOOK FOR HOUSE TOGETHER, I MEAN, DO MATH.
NOW I MUST GO.
I HAVE DATE WITH A DRUMMER.
HEY, GUYS.
WHAT A NICE SURPRI- OH, SAVE IT! WHAT UP? WHAT UP? YOUR LITTLE WEB OF LIES, THAT WHAT UP.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YEAH, WHY DIDN'T YOU WANT THE HOUSE? IS IT ME, IS IT HIM, IS IT BOTH OF US? WHAT? YEAH, WE'RE NOT LEAVING HERE UNTIL WE GET AN ANSWER.
LOOK, WE TOLD YOU ALL THAT STUFF, 'CAUSE WE DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU THE REAL REASON.
THE TRUTH IS WE'VE BEEN HAVING SOME PROBLEMS AGAIN.
YOU MEAN, LIKE, MARRIAGE STUFF? YEAH.
I'M SORRY.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US? WE DIDN'T WANT TO BURDEN YOU.
ANYWAYS, WITH, UH, ALL THAT GOING ON, IT'S NOT THE GREATEST IDEA FOR US TO BE BUYING A HOUSE, RIGHT NOW.
AT LEAST, NOT TILL HE GETS HIS ACT TOGETHER.
HEY, WE BOTH GOT WORK TO DO.
OK, LOOK, LISTEN WE'RE GONNA GET GOING.
JUST-JUST KNOW THAT WE'RE WE'RE JUST A PHONE CALL AWAY.
Yeah.
THANKS, MAN.
SEE, I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP.
IT'S A SHAME.
EVERYBODY DOESN'T HAVE WHAT WE HAVE, HUH? YEAH.
LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
MM-HMM.
SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA TELL 'EM WHEN WE BUY THAT OTHER HOUSE TOMORROW? WHO CARES? IT'S NOT NEXT TO THEM.
STOP TRYING TO GET HIM TO DANCE! HE'S BAKING WITH ME!