Family Guy s08e09 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those Good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy It sure was nice of you to invite us out on your yacht, Mr.
Pewterschmidt.
It's not a boat, it's a yacht.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Thought you said it was a boat.
This is great.
Bet you could sail it all the way to Caribbean.
Hey, American women.
When was the last time you were raped, murdered and stuffed in a lobster pot? Well, what you waiting for, hm? Come to the Virgin Dutch French Saint Port Croix Lucia Antilles.
It's only a hop, skip and small plane ride that scares you something terrible.
Hungry sharks, strong rape-y men and them silverfish that you step on and scream.
With money so colorful, you forget that it's worthless.
So bring your big, white ass down here.
Come to the island where I live And you got a pretty good chance To make it home Wow, it's beautiful down there.
I just can't believe it really looks like this.
Boy, the fish tank at daycare really nailed it.
Lois, are you feeling all right? Just a little seasick, that's all.
Oh, my God.
Ha, ha, ha.
Brian's eating it.
Boy, that's a lot of puke.
I ain't seen that much puke since my bachelor party.
- Your what? - My bachelor party.
- What's that? - You don't know? - No.
- When you got married didn't you have a party with friends? - My what? - Oh, my God.
Well, we are gonna fix that.
Carter, I am gonna throw you the best bachelor party ever.
- Why would you do that? - I'm your pal.
I wanna help, like Cheeseburger Helper.
Hey, Peter.
How would you like to take a half pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family? - Sure.
- Okay, then let's Hold on there, Peter.
- I've got something even better.
- Oh, really? You bet.
How would you like to take a half pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family with cheese? What? I don't I could just take cheese, put it on the thing he's doing.
No, it won't be the same! Look, he's my brother.
He didn't get enough oxygen at birth.
He's never gonna be quite in step with us.
- This is my way of taking care of him.
- Well, that's nice of you.
But it was so much simpler when it was just you and me.
I know.
Just let him have this one.
Odds are he won't even come back with the actual food.
- Okay, Cheeseburger Helper, you're on.
- Yay! Cheese, cheese, cheese! Yay! I am so sorry for your burden.
You're a good brother.
What do you think? You having a good time? I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.
I'm very uncomfortable.
Why don't you get a lap dance, Mr.
Pewterschmidt? No, Peter's crippled friend.
I'm gonna leave.
- This was a stupid idea.
- Come on.
You gotta relax and cut loose.
Like those foreign guys over there.
Oh, I can't believe I'm back at the horse.
I had many drinks last night and I was so hung-out this morning.
Oh, me too, friend.
I was blowing chinks like crazy.
And when I finally returned to sleep the wasteman came right outside my window.
Well, I'll tell you this a little hair from the dog is just what the doctor ascribed.
Ha, ha.
I hear you, friend.
Now let's sit on chairs next to each other and get dick dances.
Boy, this is fun, eh? Except we gotta sit next to that woman who came with co-workers.
Aren't we all pals? I work at the office.
This is empowering.
Maybe I'll get a dance, huh? You are gonna be talking about this forever.
A woman who's so cool with all of this.
Jackpot.
There's a cute looking one.
Excuse me, miss? This older gentleman would like a lap dance.
- What am I supposed to do? - Nothing.
Just sit there and enjoy.
Do l? Do I stick the money directly inside of her? - No, you do not.
- Why? Have you done that before? - Heh, heh, heh.
It doesn't go over.
- When do I hit her? Oh, for crying out loud.
Just drink this.
And you, give this old bastard the ride of his life.
- Yeah! - All right! Go, Carter.
Get some! Get some! Hey, Joe.
That's right in my fucking ear.
Look, l Stop it.
Peter, l Whoa! Boy, she's bendy.
Heh, heh.
Yeah.
Yes.
Oh, awesome, all right.
Oh! Oh, my God.
What's happening to him? I'm having a heart attack-ack-ack-ack! You ought to know by now.
Oh, my God.
Is my father gonna be okay, Dr.
House? He's in a coma, Mrs.
Griffin.
Listening to the sound of your voice, I'd say he's the lucky one.
Oh, dear.
I do hope there's something to be done.
Dr.
House, if you're gonna save this patient, you'll need this.
Get this thing out of my sight! Wait.
How are you gonna play by the rules if you don't have the rule boo? Oh.
My methods are a little unorthodox, Mr.
Griffin, but I think I can help.
- What are you doing? - My job.
Sometimes people fake being in a coma.
This man's not.
Unless the first punch knocked him out.
In which case, we won't know for some time.
House.
- Road House.
- That too.
Any word on Carter's condition yet? No.
It's been three days and I'm really starting to get worried.
What if he's in a coma for, like, 20 years? He comes out of the coma and you are all dead.
But I'm still alive and I'm a famous racecar driver.
And he's like, "Oh, man, Stewie turned out awesome.
" He comes to one of my races and I'm so surprised to see him there, I crash.
And then I'm in a coma for 20 years.
And I wake up and he's a racecar driver? - Stewie, you wanna be a racecar driver? - Well, if you think I'd be good at it.
Hello, Mrs.
Griffin.
I'm Kenneth Gould, Mr.
Pewterschmidt's attorney.
I'd like to talk to you.
Part of Mr.
Pewterschmidt's estate planning he has left video wills applicable to a wide variety of situations.
If you're watching this, it means they didn't cut the rope when I climaxed.
- As a result, I'm now dead.
That's not it.
If you're watching, the train wasn't able to push the DeLorean to 88 miles per hour and I'm still stuck in 1885.
This could take a while.
- Eaten by sharks while snorkeling.
- stabbed to death in a Toys"R"Us bathroom.
- 1940s roller skate left in the hall.
- death by chocolate.
Ha, ha, ha.
No, no.
Leave it in.
- A heart attack and slipped into a coma.
Here we go.
I leave control of my company, Pewterschmidt Industries to my daughter, Lois.
What? I don't know the first thing about running a billion-dollar company.
The board is prepared to run the company in Carter's absence.
- lf that's what you'd prefer, Mrs.
Griffin.
- Yes.
I think that'd be best.
Wait a second, Lois.
I could run the company.
You? You can't run a business that size.
You have no experience.
You know what? That's you playing by the rule book.
I don't play by the rule book.
Right, Dr.
House? Well, don't ask me.
My superiors think I'm crazy.
Scared you, didn't I? - House.
- House.
And I'm gonna run the company.
Well, Lois, I'm off to my first day as a corporate bigwig.
I'm not so sure about this, Peter.
I mean, that's Daddy's company.
He spent his life building it from the ground up.
You don't know anything about running a business.
Whoa, whoa.
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Jeez, you're a bigger downer than a German bedtime story.
Pewterschmidt Industries' pharmaceutical division is up over 30 percent.
Profits in new media have doubled each quarter over the past year and our stock is at an all-time high.
Stand aside.
I'll take it from here.
Good afternoon.
My name is Peter Griffin.
I will be running the company from hence here forth.
I want you to lay some business talk on me.
I need ideas.
What can we do to make this quarter more quarterly? Well, come on.
Come on.
Okay, I'm gonna have to get things rolling.
We're gonna do an exercise called "idea ball.
" I'm gonna toss a ball to one of you.
Whoever catches it, throw the first idea.
Pass the ball to the next guy.
He throws out an idea, so on.
- Everybody clear? - Yeah.
Mm-hm.
- All right, here we go.
- Ugh! - All right, Abrams, what do you got? My lung's collapsing.
You know what I'm hearing, gentlemen? What's the best way to put this? What I'm hearing What I'm hearing is a lot of yesterday talk.
This isn't the way we're gonna do things.
We are gonna turn this company around.
But, sir, the company's doing fine.
Better than ever.
Mr.
Pewterschmidt would I don't care.
We need to take risks.
We need a complete overhaul.
Gentlemen, you're all fired.
- What? - There.
Now that I've got your attention you're all fired.
Peter, what the hell is going on? You fired everybody at Daddy's company? - You bet.
- Are you out of your mind? - Keep it up, Lois, I might fire you.
- You wouldn't.
Does the name Lacey Chabert mean anything to you? - Okay, I'll behave.
- Yes, you will.
Peter, all I'm saying is those guys have been with Daddy for years.
How are you supposed to run that company without them? That's it, Lois, you're fired.
Chris, you are now Meg's mother.
Peter, your muscles are so muscle-y.
I am gonna plow you so hard later.
You are a team of executives I can trust.
Brian, Quagmire, Mort, you are gonna be my creative team.
You are gonna help me lead this company into the future.
Peter, we don't know anything about running a company.
- Hey, where's Joe? - I think he's still outside.
Joe, what are you doing down there? There's no ramp, I can't get inside.
- Well, we don't need him anyway.
This company's gonna make it on my ideas.
Here are products we'll be unveiling in the new fiscal year.
The African-American heart monitor.
Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah.
Oh, he dead.
Jeremy Irons Cereal.
If you're looking for marshmallows, there are none.
It's quite bland, I assure you.
And Scream in a Box.
I needed that today.
And now, new Lady Scream in a Box.
Finally, a scream that's right for me.
Well, it's good to see everyone's adapting to their new business roles.
Brian, I like your Successories.
I will.
I will go get it.
Mr.
Quagmire? Davidson account is waiting in the conference room.
All right, thanks.
Tell them I'll be right in.
All right, Glenn.
Time to go make millions.
- What happened to you, man? - I grew up, that's what happened.
What happened to free-Ioving Quagmire who was banging 10 chicks at a time? I still do that.
Oh, good.
- Yup.
- Can I have some money? - Get out of here, you bum.
- Yeah, all right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah.
He's all right.
Daddy, you're awake.
Oh, Carter, I'm so relieved.
- Ugh.
What happened? Where am I? - Oh, you had a heart attack, Daddy.
- But you're all right now.
Yeah, he cool.
What the hell is that? It's an African-American heart monitor made by your company.
- What? - Yes, it has two settings.
Barry White and Bill Cosby.
Beep, beep, boop, beep.
My company makes no such thing.
Well, you see, Daddy, when you were in a coma Peter took charge of Pewterschmidt Industries.
Ghost Dad.
Well, you made it, Peter.
You're a big shot in charge of a whole bunch of people.
- Peggy, hold my calls for a few minutes.
Yes, Mr.
Griffin.
Well, buddy, you're in love with Peggy.
What a mess.
Get the hell out of my building! Holy crap.
Mr.
Pewterschmidt, you're okay.
You're damn right I'm okay.
I'm here to reassume charge of my company.
Maybe I don't wanna leave.
Maybe I like being a fat cat.
- What are you saying? - I'm saying it's my company now.
It's better than it was when you were running it.
Security, a situation in the conference room.
I'll give you a situation, you fat turd! Gentlemen, remove this man from the building.
What the? I'm Carter Pewterschmidt.
This is my company.
Throw that guy out.
Sorry, Mr.
Pewterschmidt, but we work for Mr.
Griffin now.
You can't do this to me.
Do you know who I am? I'm Carter Pewterschmidt.
I'm not getting in that elevator.
Don't you dare throw me out of this lobby.
Don't you Damn it.
- What are you doing out here? I can't get in the building.
- Peggy? Yes, Mr.
Griffin? That fart I have at 3, can you push that up to now? Very good, sir.
Lois, how could you let your idiot husband take over my company? Fired all my staff, his stupid ideas are bankrupting Pewterschmidt Industries and now he won't step down.
- I know, Daddy.
He's become so full of himself.
He's more annoying than when making his Christmas list.
Peter, are you sure this is all you want for Christmas? - I'm only going to the mall once.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
All new this Christmas, remote-control cars that glow in the dark? Get that.
I've run that company for 40 years.
He even froze my corporate bank accounts.
I'm broke.
That's ridiculous.
I'll talk to him as soon as he gets home.
What the hell is that? Damn it, Peter! Your plane set my lawn on fire! - That ought to cover it.
- Peter, I don't want your money.
Well, fine then.
Have a box of Jeremy Irons Cereal.
If you're looking for a prize at the bottom, there is none.
Only more cardboard.
Peter, this has gone on long enough.
You make things right with Daddy.
It's his company.
It's my company.
It's your company.
Three's Company, where the kisses are hers and hers and his.
- What? - I'm sorry, Lois.
- We all had pot brownies on the plane.
- Peter, you seeing this rabbit? - No.
- Well, I sure am.
You know something? You're not qualified to sit in that chair.
Oh, aren't I? - Ah! - Ah! Maybe there's a rabbit head under here.
Peter, all of my father's assets are tied up in that corporation.
If you freeze up his money, he's not gonna have anything.
Now, you are gonna make amends with Daddy and that's final.
All right, if that's what you want.
Mr.
Pewterschmidt, be in my office tomorrow at 9.
I'm sure we can figure something out.
Hm.
I don't know if I like the sound of that.
I knew I didn't like the sound of that.
This is unacceptable.
What gives you the right to treat me like this? You've been treating me like crap for 20 years.
And now I'm the one in charge.
Hang on a second.
Clean that up.
As your boss, I command you to have a viewing party for tonight's episode of The Big Bang Theory.
You have to go cubicle to cubicle inviting people.
Come on, Peter.
I'm not good with rejection.
I'm your boss.
Now, do it.
Hi, I was gonna catch The Big Bang Theory tonight and wondered if you wanted to come and watch.
What? What? What is that? It's a comedy.
It's on CBS.
I'm really into it.
I don't wanna watch.
I don't wanna watch it with you.
All right, if you change your mind, here's a flyer.
If you do decide to come, I'm asking you bring an appetizer.
Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
See, Peter? I told you.
No one wants to come.
This is awful.
You're not off the hook.
You gotta have that party.
- Babs, you wanna sit and watch? - No.
I'll have you know that I can bench press over 690 billion nanograms.
- Sheldon, that's less than 2 pounds.
- Sounded better the way I said it.
Oh, when I tell that joke at work tomorrow, people People are gonna be sorry they didn't come.
They're gonna This was This was a good night.
As your boss, I'm ordering you to pay a compliment to this sharply dressed Asian man.
- You look very nice.
- What else? - What about my shoe? - They're nice too.
- How you think my house smell? - Not onion-y.
You good, man.
I pat you on the head and feed you from the hand.
And then he made me clean out the fridge in the employee lounge.
The employees were mad at me because I threw out food that they still wanted.
- I don't know what's in there.
- Oh, that's it.
Peter is completely out of control.
We've gotta do something to take him down and get your company back.
Right, right.
But how? In order to oust an idiot, we've gotta think like an idiot.
Let's see, what's Peter's weakness? He's gotta have a weakness.
- Swamp monsters.
- Swamp monsters.
Of course.
- Lois, what are you doing here? - To make sure everything was okay.
Of course.
Why wouldn't it be? Oh, you know, that whole "swamp monster" story.
- Swamp monster? - You haven't heard? - Heard what? - Oh, I'm sure it's nothing.
Apparently, somebody flushed a baby swamp monster down the toilet somewhere not far from here.
What? Who would flush a baby swamp monster? - Don't they know what would happen? - Well, it has happened.
And now it's grown up and is attacking important businessmen.
I'm an important businessman.
- What the hell was that? - Sounds like maybe a swamp monster who needs to project a little more.
Crap.
Ah! Swamp monster! Sign this document giving the company back to Daddy so you won't get eaten.
- I don't understand.
But nothing makes sense in these swamp monster times.
Ah! We did it, Daddy.
I have my husband back and you have your company.
Sorry I'm late, Lois.
Okay.
We doing the swamp monster thing? Wait.
If you're Daddy, then who? - Swamp monster! - Swamp monster! Now let's find out who you really are.
- Dr.
House? Indeed, Lois.
If you don't mind, I'll address you in my natural speaking voice as I've grown so weary of doing an American accent.
Wanna come to my Big Bang viewing party next week? - You don't have to do that anymore.
- I know.
I know.
I like it now.
I'm sorry you lost the company, Peter, but I think it's for the best.
- You were turning into a real jerk.
- Yeah, maybe so.
But I sure am gonna miss being a corporate big shot.
Well, you'll always be a big shot in this family, sweetheart.
Thanks, honey.
And I got a little surprise for you.
In that contract you signed, you got to keep the corporate plane.
Yeah! Peter, how are you doing that? - I don't know, Lois.
I'm scared.
- Well, come down.
I can't.
Get help.
Call somebody.
- Who do I call? - I don't know.
A police A fireman A scientist.
Call a scientist.
You kids stay here with your father.
I'm gonna go find a scientist.
Am I gonna die?