Frasier s08e09 Episode Script

Well, Roz, I think we have just enough time for one more call.
Okay, we have Andy from Bremerton on line three.
Hello, Andy, I'm listening.
MAN: Am I on? - Yes, go ahead.
Can you hear me? Yes, you're on the air.
- Hello? - You're on.
- Am I on? - Not anymore.
This is Dr.
Frasier Crane on KACL wishing you good mental health.
- Gather around, everyone.
FRASIER: Oh, Kenny, what's all this? I'm here to officially announce this year's SeaBea nominations.
- Ooh! - Oh, well.
He made us wait until your show was over.
It was interminable.
First of all, KACL has been nominated for a total of nine SeaBeas.
- Isn't that great? WOMAN: Oh, that's great.
Which ties us with KPX, the mighty PIXY - for most nominations.
- The mighty PIXY, they do well.
All the nominees were chosen by a panel of experts - Give me that.
- Good girl, Roz.
Oh, oh, here's one.
Best restaurant critic, Gil Chesterton.
Oh, congratulations, Gil.
Thank God I'm nominated.
And I won't have to attend the Chestertons.
The Chestertons? It's an elaborate awards show my wife and the dogs put on when I'm overlooked by the SeaBeas.
Roz, I don't see our names anywhere.
No, nothing.
We've been shut out.
I can't believe it.
Well, what do I have here? - There are more awards? KENNY: Maybe.
I guess you'll just have to listen and find out.
"Since 1962, the Seattle Broadcasting Community" Give me that.
Oh, my God, Frasier, you're getting the Lifetime Achievement Award.
What? Are you serious? Give me that.
Hurts, doesn't it? When I was a boy, my parents told me to reach for the stars.
Sadly, I later learned that stars are just massive, fiery balls of gas, which, were I to reach one, would vaporise me instantly.
But tonight, with the Stephen R.
Shafer Lifetime Achievement Award, you tell me that I have reached you, and you, ladies and gentlemen, are my stars.
And that's where you would applaud.
I gotta say, Fras, it's really something, you getting this award.
Yes, Dad, it's actually quite an honour.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
You know, customarily they give them out to much older people.
Oh, Niles.
Flowers, how very thoughtful of you.
- They're not from me.
- Well, thank you for bringing them up.
They were just outside the door.
Thanks for bending over to pick them up.
- It wasn't that far.
The handle sticks - Just give them to me.
"Congratulations, Frasier, you must be very proud.
William Tewksbury.
" - Who's that? - It's my old mentor from Harvard, Dad.
Gosh, you know, I read in the Alumni Newsletter that he was taking his sabbatical here at the University of Washington.
- I've been meaning to call him.
- Niles, there's something here for you.
For me? What for? Well, this may be Frasier's night, but I just want you to know that I have two special sons.
Oh, well Dad, how considerate.
"World's Greatest Psychiatrist.
" See, your brother's not the only one getting a prize tonight.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, there's my little rosebud.
Hello.
Is it my imagination, or has she gained weight since breakfast? Which seating, 8, 9 or 10? Oh, darling, you're undone.
I know.
This dress used to fit perfectly.
Now I can't even get it zipped halfway up.
Those bloody cleaners must have shrunk it.
NILES: Let me give it a try.
[NILES GROANS.]
Oh, my.
Well, maybe if I put a jacket on.
Will you come help me pick one out? Sure, sure.
You should switch dry cleaners.
That's the third dress they've shrunk this week.
Dad, what do you make of this? "Congratulations, Frasier, you must be very proud.
" Well, I'd say he's happy for you.
Of course, I was a detective, so it comes easy to me.
He doesn't say he's proud of me.
He says that I should be proud of myself.
- Doesn't that seem a bit odd to you? - No, you're splitting hairs.
You don't know Dr.
Tewksbury like I do.
He wouldn't say something like this unless he meant to say something else.
You're gonna let this ruin the night for you, aren't you? No, no, of course not, Dad.
I just think it's interesting, that's all.
I'm gonna head over the SeaBeas a little early.
- I'll see you there.
- Why? Well, I thought I should familiarise myself with the dais.
- Frasier, it's just a note.
- I know, Dad.
- It doesn't mean anything.
- I know, Dad.
- Say hi to Dr.
Tewksbury for me.
- I will, Dad.
Dr.
Tewksbury? Frasier Crane.
Of course.
- Frasier.
Oh, it's good to see you.
- Likewise.
- How long has it been? - Oh, gosh, l Gee, perhaps 20 years.
- That long? - Yes.
Actually, I was on my way to the awards ceremony, and I thought I'd drop by and thank you for the flowers.
- And the card.
- You're welcome.
- It was very thoughtful of you.
- I was happy to do it.
- Particularly the card.
- I'm glad you liked it.
All right, let's cut the bull.
"You must be very proud.
" Why not "I'm proud of you"? Why speculation rather than declaration? - What? - We both know there are no mistakes.
There must have been some reason, either conscious or subconscious, that you chose these words.
Frasier, I have a confession to make.
- Ah.
- My assistant wrote the card.
Oh.
When I heard you were getting an award, I asked her to send flowers with a note of congratulations.
I'm afraid you've been over-analysing.
I see.
Then again, perhaps in that order to your assistant, you subconsciously communicated an emotion that you couldn't or didn't want to acknowledge.
Or perhaps your subconscious assigned new meaning to the words to reflect your own self-doubt.
But all art is self-portraiture, and that includes the written word.
However, we can only view art through the lens of our own psyches.
Then there is no pure art.
How would you know? God, I've missed you.
Oh, Frasier.
Of course I'm proud of you.
Oh, thank you.
It's so nice to know that.
It really is.
Thank you.
I really wish we had more time to talk, but I'm taking my wife out to dinner tonight.
I wanna pick up some flowers before the shops close.
Yes, yes, of course.
This time, I think I'll write the card myself.
Yes, that's a good idea.
Gosh, it was great to see you again.
Yes.
- Let's get together some evening.
- Oh, I'd like that.
It's not often I get to dine with the recipient of a lifetime achievement award.
Please, it's just a trinket for a little radio show I do.
Oh, not that by "little" I mean to minimise my achievement.
- I know.
- I know you know.
I just wanna be clear, so that you don't infer any meanings that aren't actually there.
What might I infer? Oh, that I'm somehow dissatisfied with my work, something like that.
You also called the award a "trinket.
" Can you imagine what I might have done with that? FRASIER: Yes, exactly.
A lesser therapist might say that I didn't think much of an award that they're willing to give to the likes of me.
Mm.
I suppose if one were looking hard enough, one could even say your coming down here was a desperate quest for approval.
Oh, well, that one's a little out there.
Yes.
Frasier, you don't have to worry.
I'm not inferring anything.
Enjoy yourself this evening.
I will.
- Because tonight is my night.
- Yes.
- So long, professor.
- Goodbye.
Oh, Frasier.
[CHUCKLES.]
Frasier? What the hell is wrong with me? Yes, dear, I know we have reservations, but one of my former students is having a minor crisis.
I'll be there in half an hour.
What does it all mean? Make it an hour.
- Hello, everybody.
MARTIN: Oh, hey, Roz.
Whoa! - You look great, Roz.
- Yeah.
That's a beautiful dress.
Thank you, and after two weeks of eating delicious fat-burning cabbage soup, it finally fits.
Niles made me cabbage with me Osso Buco last night.
If I knew it burned fat, I would have had a fourth helping.
- Well, we do have leftovers.
- No, we don't.
I haven't seen Daphne in a while.
Is it my imagination? No.
Six squares a day.
That's not like her.
Maybe she's depressed.
That's when I eat.
Have you said anything to her? No.
Timing is very delicate in something like this, Roz.
I thought I'd wait until after she gets too big to catch me, but before she needs the motorised scooter.
Hey, has anyone seen Frasier? No, not yet.
What's the matter? You look pale.
Well, I hate public speaking, and they roped me into giving Frasier's introduction.
I just wanna make sure it's okay.
Why don't you run it by Niles? He's a psychiatrist too.
And he's just as smart and successful as Frasier.
- Dad.
- It's true.
You are.
He is.
Hey, Gil.
So where is that elusive wife of yours? If you must know, Deb's on manoeuvres with her reserve unit.
WOMAN: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this year's Seattle Broadcasting Awards.
Let's get right to our first category, Outstanding Restaurant Critic.
And the nominees are: Merrill George for Café Chat, Sheldon Hastings for Here's Looking at Food and Gil Chesterton for Restaurant Beat.
[CHEERING.]
And we have a tie.
They expect me to share? What is this, dim sum? And the SeaBeas go to Merrill George and Sheldon Hastings.
This can't be happening.
Oh, come on, Gil, isn't it enough just to be nominated? You tell me, Miss Three-Time-Loser.
MAN: To all my listeners FRASIER: I know I should be happy, but I feel so dissatisfied.
Well, Frasier, it's no accident that you're going through this on the day that you receive your lifetime achievement award.
Well, duh.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm just acting out.
Please, please.
Continue, please.
As you know, men in our society commonly define themselves by their careers.
Yes, I'll cop to that.
Yeah.
In fact, there's nothing I'm more proud of than my career.
It's because I love to help people.
I always have.
Right.
Refresh my memory.
Wasn't it your mother who first sparked your interest in psychiatry? Yes, it was.
I remember the exact day.
I was 8.
I had come home crying because one of the older boys had thrown my copy of The Fountainhead under a bus.
My mother explained to me it wasn't because he didn't like the way I walked, or because I wore an ascot to school.
It was because he didn't like himself.
And at that very moment, I became a student of human behaviour.
It was as if someone had given me an instruction manual explaining why people acted the way they did.
Not to mention a way to distance yourself from painful emotions.
Oh, totally.
I took a lot of grief for that ascot.
So you were drawn to psychiatry not because you like to help people, but because you feared them.
I feared them? Psychiatry gives you objectivity.
Objectivity gives you emotional distance.
Distance makes you feel safe.
Yes, yes, granted.
But what has that got to do with me? How's your practise? I don't have a practise.
I have a radio show.
Distance.
Any children? Yes, I have a wonderful son with whom I'm very close.
- You live with him? - He lives in Boston.
Distance.
With your wife.
My ex-wife.
Yes, I know, distance.
Wasn't she a psychiatrist? Yes, she happened to be a good one too.
That's a handy choice for someone who'd rather share ideas than emotions.
Have you ever met Lilith? No.
Well, she happens to be a very warm and loving woman.
Have you had any other meaningful relationships since then? As a matter of fact, l Well, what is your point? My point is that at the age of 8, at 8, you began to use psychiatry as a way to deal with a world that scared you to death.
And this lifetime achievement award has made your realise that your career is finite.
And once it's gone, all you'll have left is that frightened 8-year-old boy.
Well Would you like to hear my theory? You have no idea what you're talking about.
I am not an 8-year-old.
And you know something else? You're not my mentor anymore.
Roz, you gonna eat your quiche? Are you kidding? This would be like pulling the ripcord on my thighs.
It's nothing but cheese and butter and pastry And bacon.
Are you sure you don't mind? I have good news.
I just spoke to Frasier.
He's on his way.
Oh, thank goodness.
Oh, not that I'm not having a good time with you, Niles.
Dad, I know what you're doing.
You don't have to overcompensate.
I'm not some green-eyed monster burning with envy for Frasier.
All right, but if you were, I bet you'd be a great one.
Daphne? I haven't seen you in a while.
How have you been? Are you okay? I'm better than okay.
I'm in love with a man who loves me.
He showers me with attention.
Every morning I wake up wondering what treasures this day will bring.
It really is the happiest time of my life.
And how are you? Good.
Really good.
Could you pass me Frasier's quiche? And the butter.
Thank you.
All right, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but I'm afraid you've lost your touch.
- Where's your DSM? - There.
Emotionally stunted 8-year-old, my eye.
Ah.
Here's what I'm going through.
Phase-of-life issue.
"A problem associated with a particular developmental phase or other life circumstances.
" - Please, a mid-life crisis? - It's obvious, really.
I'm surprised it didn't occur to me sooner.
If someone had called with this problem, I'd have diagnosed it.
- Then what would you have done? - Depends on the caller.
All right.
The caller is you.
Fine.
On line one, we have Frasier Crane from Seattle.
Hello, Dr.
Crane.
I love your show.
I'm a big fan.
I won't bore you with all the details of my life because you know them.
Suffice to say, I'm a successful psychiatrist.
My problem is that, in spite of the life I've built, I feel empty.
Ah.
Emptiness.
The eternal void.
If I'm not mistaken, it was John Keats who wrote Stalling.
Deal with the feelings.
All right, fair enough.
Perhaps, caller, if we re-frame the issue, we can Redefining the problem.
Deal with the feelings.
Uh Let's run down the Beck Depression Inventory Re-diagnosing.
You know what the problem is.
- The caller feels empty.
Go on.
- Okay.
Last month, in the New England Journal - He's already read it.
- How do you know? The caller is Frasier Crane.
If you did, he did.
I can suggest certain visualisation techniques He knows them already.
Look, if he knows all this, then why is he calling? He told you.
Because he's empty.
Keep going.
Well, sometimes it helps to write yourself a letter.
He's already got himself on the phone.
But I don't know what he wants.
Then why do you keep trying to bury him in psychiatric exercises? Because that's all I have.
I'm sorry, caller.
I can't help you.
Frasier's up next, and he's not here yet.
- What the hell am I gonna do? - He'll be here in a minute.
- Just go up there and stall.
- Stall? Stall? Yes, like that.
WOMAN: Ladies and gentlemen, our next presenter, KACL General Manager Kenny Daly.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Oh, all right, relax.
I'll go up there for you.
No, no, Niles, let me do it.
This night's been hard enough on you already.
You are such a weenie.
Yeah, weenie like a fox.
Actually, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Martin Crane.
Kenny very kindly let me do the honours.
You see, I'm Frasier's dad.
Oh, no, no, more than that, I'm the father of two special guys.
So if it's okay with you, I'd like you to give a big SeaBea welcome to my other son, Niles.
Come on, Niles, stand up.
Let them see you.
Oh, here's Frasier.
[PEOPLE CHEERING.]
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the winner of the Stephen R.
Shafer Lifetime Achievement Award, my son Frasier Crane.
Uh Thank you for honouring my life.
I just wish I knew what to do with the rest of it.
[CHUCKLING.]
What the hell was that?