Home Improvement s08e09 Episode Script

Well, that about wraps up Tool Time.
So, Tim, what have we learned today? Well, we learned that blown foam insulation is a great way to reduce energy costs at your house.
And? Well, and that blown foam insulation is a great sound-dampener.
(CHUCKLES) And when the manufacturer says they mean 100 psi max! - HEIDI: Hey, Al.
- Hey.
Cable show ratings just came in.
I think you might want to take a look.
Congratulations, Heidi! You won again with males aged 13 to 95.
Keep reading.
Ah, well, my ratings are up again in the "likeability" column.
You're off the charts! Yeah.
Oh, my God! I beat Tim! Yes! Congratulations.
Listen, you really ought to take advantage of this new popularity.
What do you mean? Well, when's the last time you appeared in public? Well, Tuesday I went to the mall for peanut brittle and a belt.
I mean, you should be doing promotions and endorsements.
Al, you could be the next Ed McMahon.
- Ed McMahon? - Uh-huh.
(IMITATING ED MCMAHON) - I'll be goshed - TIM: Hey, guys.
Who's got the ratings? - Hide them.
Here comes Tim.
- Okay.
- There we go.
- Where's the ratings sheet? - Huh? What? - I don't know.
Huh? What? Huh? This.
Oh! Hey, once again, Heidi, in the stratosphere.
What is it with you and men? - What the - Hey, the show's doing pretty well.
(GRUNTING) Oh, no.
I didn't beat you by much! Okay, I'll clear out my locker.
Hey, don't be ridiculous.
Whatever gave you guys the idea this was some type of competition? Come on! Well, maybe because every month when these come out, Tim runs around going, "I won! I won! I won!" All right.
All right.
Okay.
Maybe Heidi's right.
This isn't a competition.
These numbers are good for the show.
Good for you, Al.
- We're a family here.
- Yeah.
Well, thank you, Tim.
You know, I never thought this would happen to me.
I've always lived in someone else's shadow.
Well, growing up with your mom, I'm surprised you knew there was a sun.
All right! I'm gonna go tell Trudy the good news.
- Yeah.
Congratulations again, Al.
- Thank you! I think he took it pretty well.
- Yeah, I think so.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Brad? - What's up, Mark? If a girl named Erica calls, tell her I'm not here, all right? What? Is she, like, the ugliest girl in junior high? Actually, she's the prettiest.
I wish she'd just leave me alone.
Wait, wait.
There's no way you and I are related.
I'd love to go out with Erica.
Just all she does is complain about her jerk boyfriend.
Mark, Mark, wake up.
She's using you as her shoulder to cry on.
You know what that means, right? Yeah.
She thinks I'm a girl.
No.
No.
She thinks you're a caring, sensitive listener.
And when she finally breaks up with that jerk boyfriend of hers, you're in the pole position.
All I have to do is just sit on the phone and listen? You don't even have to listen.
Just pretend.
Every so often say lines like "I sympathize with your needs.
" And when you want to whip out the big guns, try "I hurt when you hurt.
" This is so devious.
Thank you.
TIM: Hi.
Hi.
Did you get my tulip bulbs? Oh! I forgot to go by the garden center.
I'm sorry.
- Let me ask you a question.
- What? Am I a likable guy? Are you gonna get my bulbs? What would you say if I told you that Al was more likable than me? Duh? Our ratings came out today and for the first time in 10 years, Al was rated more likable than me.
So this is bothering you, right? Well, duh.
You don't think Binford would think about switching hosts, do you? Honey, that's never gonna happen.
Look, Al hosted the show once and it was a disaster.
He needs you to make it all work.
Huh? Well, see, look, you took a shy, insecure, stiff guy and you turned him into a likable, confident, stiff guy.
You gave him his persona.
You invented the signature salute.
You sort of created Al.
I did.
I created Al.
Almost like Al is my Frankenstein monster.
You know, without the attractive neck bolts.
He's alive! Now, see? That's what you should do.
Just enjoy the fruits of your labor.
Yeah.
You know, and maybe accept my fate in a way.
You know, because even the brightest stars can't shine forever.
I mean, there's a point when the champions like me and Michael Jordan just have to pass our balls on to somebody else.
- Hey, Fred.
- Hey, Mr.
Taylor.
Do you have tulips? Well, it'd be hard to whistle if I didn't.
- You get it? - Yeah.
- It's a gag.
- Yeah.
Hey, I've got your special bulb order in the back.
While I'm digging them up, why don't you say hi to your buddy Al? - He's in Fertilizer.
- Al? "Hope you enjoy your bag of "fert-Al-izer.
" Hey, Al.
Tim! Hey, ladies and gentlemen! Tim Taylor! All right! Tim, what are you doing here? I was just about to ask you the same thing.
Yeah? Well, I decided to branch out into endorsements.
You're endorsing fertilizer.
Yeah.
I guess it's kind of like working from the ground up.
Can I talk to you privately for a minute? Sure.
Mr.
Likeability will be back in a few minutes to sign your bags.
Okay, guys? Meanwhile, why don't you pull your cars around so I can load them easier? Come out here.
What are you doing? I'm capitalizing on my newfound popularity.
Is this why you've been leaving work early for the last couple of days? Well, actually, on Tuesday I opened a lamp store.
And on Wednesday I was keynote speaker at Spacklefest '98! If you want to capitalize on your newfound popularity, you might want to aim your sights a little higher than spackle and dung.
Well, I don't want to impose on our friendship.
But if you could give me some career advice, you know, coach me a little, maybe I could get some better endorsements.
Well, I hate to see you signing this crap.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What are you doing? Mapping out Al's destiny.
And yet you couldn't put the dishes in the sink.
Listen to this.
I got him the cover of Handyman Monthly.
On Saturday, he's doing a radio commercial for Welder's Warehouse, and Sunday, a pre-shoot for a commercial for Faucets-N-Stuff.
You know, I'm really impressed with the way you've been able to put your ego aside and help Al.
Honey, he was knee-deep swimming in cow pies.
And you dove in and saved him.
I like this stuff.
Now, Al's strengths are his sincerity and his groundbreaking dullness.
I can manipulate that kind of talent a 100 ways from Sunday.
And yet Come on, come on, come on.
If you want to go to the mall, I'm leaving now.
Hey, listen, Erica, I got to go.
But I just want to let you know that I'm here for you and that I sympathize with your needs.
Oh, really? Hey, great.
All right.
See you then.
Bye.
Guess what? Erica's coming over to cry on my shoulder.
What's the matter with Erica? Oh, her boyfriend broke up with her.
And I'm helping her through her anguish.
What do you know about anguish? I live with you and Dad.
Finally back.
Hi.
So, what are you and Al gonna do today? Oh.
First we have a strategy meeting here.
Then this afternoon we're off to Zug Island.
The Port Authority is gonna have him christen his own ship.
How did you come up with that? It's amazing.
He's got a big appeal among dock workers ages 19 to 47.
I wonder who they latch onto when they turn 48? Andy Rooney.
- Knock-knock! Hi! - JILL: Hi, Al.
- Honey, I'll see you guys later.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- See you later.
Okay, Al.
I have your sailor suit all pressed.
Are you excited, or what? Well, there's something else I'm even more excited about.
Come on.
I've added a new member to our team.
- I've hired a manager.
- A what? Now, now, come on! You're a great coach.
Now I've brought someone in to run the ball club.
All right! Well, Al, we don't need a manager.
I lined up a great gig for you today.
You're christening a ship.
It's a trash barge.
It's a slag barge.
It's a Cadillac of waste products.
Well, let's see what my manager has to say about that, you know? He's coming over.
I invited him to our strategy session.
- He's coming here? - Yeah.
Yeah, his name is Roy Becker.
You're gonna love him.
He's smart.
He's savvy.
He's got a great sense of humor.
What are Roy Becker's credentials? Well, he's president of Roy Becker and Associates.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I know that name.
Didn't he use to manage that other cable guy, Fishin' with Freddie? Might have.
He handles a lot of big stars.
(DOORBELL RINGS) There he is.
Coming! Coming! Hey, superstar! What's happening, baby? - Hey! - There he is.
Tim Taylor.
How are you, my man? Hey.
Roy Becker.
Nice to meet you.
- Hey, Roy.
- Hey, nice pad you got here.
You know, I used to live around here then I made something of myself.
I'm just kidding.
He's got a great sense of humor.
I can't wait to see it.
Hey, you want some coffee? Coffee? No.
No coffee for me.
It makes me hyper.
I'm here for one thing and I'm here for one thing only.
And that's to take Al to the top.
This is the greatest day of my life! I got my manager.
I got my coach.
- Yeah! - Look out, world! Here comes Team Borland! Can't wait for that team physical, huh? Okay, fellas.
Now, let's talk game plan.
As I understand it, Taylor's got you peddling faucets and metal garbage.
Which is fine.
Don't get me wrong.
But now it's time to move up to the major leagues.
Major leagues? National commercials.
I'm talking an M.
O.
W.
M.
O.
W.
? A mow? What will I be mowing? M.
O.
W.
is a Movie of the Week.
I'm gonna be in the movies? Al, you're a big hit with women, baby.
I can get you on the Lifetime Channel playing opposite Morgan Fairchild.
Morgan Fairchild? I love her! - Wait, wait.
Reality check.
Come on! - ROY: What? This is a pitch man.
He's not an actor.
Actor-shmactor! He'll act happy when he sees the money rolling in, huh? Oh, boy! What are you leading him on for here, Roy? I'm not leading him on.
Hey, look, Taylor.
If he doesn't make money, I don't make money.
And if I don't make money, I'm back living in this neighborhood.
I did it again! Why are you being such a doubting Thomas? You know, the big time is beckoning! So are 150 slag workers who want to see you in a sailor suit.
Yeah? Well, they're out of luck.
Let me tell you right now, Al, I don't want this going to your head, but garbage is beneath you.
- You think so? - I know so! Blow them off! I tell you what.
You come have lunch with me.
I got a big commercial director I want to introduce you to.
Come on.
Come on.
I'm telling you, you can make some money here.
Wait, wait, wait.
We made a promise to Local 299.
And the Local doesn't like it when you break their promises.
You know what? You want to dress up like Popeye for the rest of your life? Or do you want to make some money? Come on.
Let's go.
I don't know what to do.
I'm so conflicted! Look, I'll make it easy for you.
You go with Roy or you go with me.
And I think you know what the responsible thing to do is.
Obviously, you're gonna have to fill in for me.
And thank you! You were a great coach.
Thanks, Taylor.
You're a good man.
Beautiful house.
And then he said, "Well, why didn't you tell me that before?" And I said, "Well, I thought that it was obvious.
" And he said, "Well, it wasn't obvious to me.
" Isn't it obvious to you? Huh? I asked if it was obvious to you.
It doesn't matter what I think.
Just keep sharing your feelings and I'll keep listening.
Well, I'd really like to know what you think.
Well, I hurt when you hurt.
What are you talking about? I'm not hurting.
Well, then I'm not either.
Mark, I want you to tell me one thing that I just talked about.
You used the word "Obvious.
" That's what I thought.
You know, you're even worse than my boyfriend.
At least he's honest about not listening to me.
I sympathize with your needs! Well, Brad, thanks to you, Erica hates me.
- What? - Your stupid advice backfired.
I should never have pretended to care about her feelings.
So, you taught him that? Look, I'm sorry, Mom.
I know you're disappointed.
But if it makes you feel any better, I hurt when you hurt.
That's it.
I'm canceling your subscription to Sassy.
(JILL LAUGHING) So, Captain, where's Tennille? Like I haven't heard that from 6,500 longshoremen? Well, I thought Al was supposed to do the entertaining.
He was until he backed out on the advice of his new manager, Roy Becker.
Roy Becker.
I know that name.
Didn't he use to live in this neighborhood before he made it big? All the work I did for Al, he just forgets about me and picks another guy.
That is terrible.
It doesn't sound like Al.
(PHONE RINGING) Ahoy.
Promenade deck.
Oh, hi, Al.
You need a day off? Well, why Get out of town! All right.
Well, tell Okay.
All right.
Thanks.
Bye.
What was that about? They're shooting a Movie of the Week here in town.
He's got a bit part with Morgan Fairchild.
I love her! You can start as early as you want, Wilson.
But I'm still gonna kick butt in that Christmas lighting contest.
No.
This is not for Christmas, Tim.
Are you familiar with who inspired the Indian festival of Deepawali? I'm still wondering who put the bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop.
WILSON: Well, probably the same person who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong.
You want to know who put Al in a Movie of the Week with Morgan Fairchild? Morgan Fairchild? I love her! Well, good going, Tim.
You are quite a coach.
Al hired a professional manager.
Well, good for Al.
- He fired me.
- Bad for you.
Don't feel bad for me, I feel bad for Al.
The overnight sensation who's appearing in a movie with Morgan Fairchild? I'm not jealous or anything.
I just think he's moving too fast.
It's like Frankenstein loose on the world without his doctor by his side, you know? - What was the doctor's name? - Frankenstein.
They were related? You know, Tim, I can understand your concern for Al.
But I'm also reminded of the Persian writer Nasir-i Khusraw.
He said, "Though God creates the mother, the breast and the milk, "the children must draw for themselves their mother's milk.
" Wilson, you just gave me No, no, no, no.
I'm just saying, just as the child learns self-reliance by separating from his mother, so the assistant learns by separating from the Tool Man.
Maybe what Al needs is protection and support so he's not left hanging.
So I'll just buy him a sturdy jockstrap.
WILSON: Hello, horrible image number 13.
Scene 223 Baker.
Take 15.
DIRECTOR: And action! You're leaving me for my sister? Which one? The one carrying my baby.
Get out! Get out and never come back! (MORGAN FAIRCHILD CRYING) Great news.
I've snaked the toilet and you're good to go.
Thank you, Gerard.
Now, what have you got for a broken heart? Hey, Maggie! What's the matter? You can tell Gerard.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I - Cut! The woman is emotionally devastated and you come bouncing in and salute her like Gomer Pyle on a sugar high? (IMITATING GOMER PYLE) Well, golly! What are you doing here? Just here to support Borland.
How's he doing? I had more fun at my last prostate examination.
Why don't you let me work with him for just a second? Thanks.
Thanks.
Al, you know, I am really enjoying playing opposite you.
Oh, wow! Thank you, Morgan Fairchild! No.
Please just call me Morgan.
You know, Al, you have this reality that I just find so exciting.
And if you could tap into that reality, I could respond very passionately.
Do you understand? All right, everybody, let's go again.
We'll take it from Gerard's entrance.
Action! Great news.
I've snaked the toilet and you're good to go.
Thank you, Gerard.
Now, what have you got for a broken heart? - Oh, Morgan - Cut! Get me a new Gerard.
Borland, you're fired.
Hey, get me Freddie, the fish guy.
Wait a minute.
You're replacing Al with a guy that bobs for bass? Let me see if I can get him on the phone.
You can't do this.
He put his trust in you.
You know, Taylor, it's times like this I hate myself.
But then I buy myself a new suit and I feel terrific.
- By the way, who represents you? - Well, I Hey, Frederico! Hey! How's the fish biting? Hey, baby, yeah! Hey, Al.
Hey.
When did you get here? I got here in time to see your last two takes.
They're good.
It's good stuff.
Time to see me get fired.
Well, that's okay.
I mean, the last take was good.
The way you committed to the salute, kind of half-salute.
It was kind of funny stuff.
I mean, you were going with it.
No, maybe you're right.
Maybe I'm just not an actor.
Maybe not now.
You take a few classes.
The next thing you know, you'll be back in Morgan Fairchild's arms.
I just I guess I tried to fly too high too fast.
Gravity is a cruel mistress.
Your mom probably taught you that.
I should've been happy with the career path we were working on, you know? There's no shame in making longshoremen happy.
At least not in this state.
You know, it doesn't matter that I work with Morgan Fairchild.
You know, the important thing is that I have a good friend like you.
You know? Because when push comes to shove, you know, you're there.
- Well - Al.
Yes, Morgan Fairchild? I am so sorry about this.
May I have your autograph? You You want my autograph? Well, actually, it's not for me.
It's for my dad.
He's a huge fan of Tool Time.
Well, he probably wants mine, too.
Hi.
I'm Tim the Tool Man.
Hi.
No, he didn't mention you.
Thanks.
I, on the other hand, am a huge fan of yours, honey.
Morgan Fairchild.
I love her! - Hey, Cleotis! - Hey, Mr.
Taylor! I've branched out into endorsements.
You're endorsing dung.
That's dung.
That's not dung.
You know, Tim, I can understand your concerns about Al.
But I'm also reminded of the Persian writer, Kooty-koogy-googy.
- Koogy-googy-oogy.
- What is his name?