The King of Queens s08e10 Episode Script
Raygin Bulls
DARLING, HAVE YOU SEEN MY PASSPORT? I'M LEAVING SOON, AND I REALLY SHOULD HAVE IT.
DAD, YOU'RE GOIN' TO NEW JERSEY.
STILL, BORDER CROSSINGS ARE NOTHING TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY.
I'M AFRAID I LEARNED THAT THE HARD WAY.
I THINK IT'S SWEET THAT YOU VISIT MOM'S GRAVE EVERY YEAR.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S BEEN 20 YEARS.
I KNOW, AND IT'S A SHAME SHE NEVER SAW WHAT A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN YOU'VE BECOME.
THANK YOU, DAD.
AS ALWAYS, I'LL SEND HER YOUR WARMEST REGARDS.
YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, I THINK I'M GONNA- I'M GONNA COME WITH YOU THIS TIME.
WHY? YOU-YOU- YOU NEVER COME.
I KNOW.
WELL, I WAS A TEENAGER WHEN SHE DIED, AND I THINK I WAS ANGRY AT HER FOR LEAVING ME WITHOUT A MOTHER, ESPECIALLY WHEN I HAD TO GO BRA SHOPPING WITH YOU.
IN RETROSPECT, I SHOULD'VE LET YOU GO INTO THE DRESSING ROOM BY YOURSELF.
ANYWAY, I'LL SEE YOU ON MONDAY.
DAD, I SAID I'M GONNA COME WITH YOU.
YOU CAN'T! WHY NOT? I, UH I'M STAYING WITH YOUR UNCLE CHESTER, AND HE LIKES TO WALK AROUND IN THE NUDE.
I WON'T HAVE YOU SEE THAT AGAIN! THEN WE'LL STAY IN A MOTEL.
JUST GIVE ME A HALF HOUR TO GET PACKED.
HEY, BABE, LISTEN, I'M GOING UP TO NEW JERSEY WITH MY FATHER TO VISIT MY MOM'S GRAVE FOR THE WEEKEND.
YOU'RE GONNA BE GONE THE WHOLE WEEKEND? ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? COULD YOU AT LEAST PRETEND YOU'RE GONNA MISS ME? OF COURSE I'M GONNA MISS YOU.
I AM.
OK? WHICH ONE OF THESE GOES BETTER WITH STEAK-UMS? UM, I REALLY DON'T KNOW.
I'M REALLY INTRIGUED BY THESE "FLAMIN' HOT" ONES, BUT I HEAR IF YOU EAT THE WHOLE BAG, YOUR TONGUE GETS SWOLLEN.
MY MANAGER JUST TOLD ME TO STACK THE BEAN DIP.
HEY, YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA GET 'EM BOTH, SO WHY THE DANCE? RAY! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! HEY, MAN! WHAT'S IT BEEN, LIKE, 2 YEARS? AT LEAST.
YEAH.
WHAT DO WE DO? DO WE SHAKE? YOU DON'T HUG, RIGHT? I DO.
WITH SOME PEOPLE, I DO.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
COOL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO EATS, MAN.
WHAT DO YOU GOT GOIN' ON HERE? UH, A LOG OF SALAMI, CHIPS, AND CHEESE.
I GUESS YOU'RE NOT BUYIN' INTO THE WHOLE CHOLESTEROL THING, HUH? OH, I'M BUYIN' INTO IT.
I JUST WANT TO SEE HOW HIGH I CAN GET THE NUMBERS.
SO, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO? NOTHIN'.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE DOIN' THE FLOORS AT MY HOUSE, SO DEBRA TOOK THE KIDS TO CONNECTICUT, AND I'M SLEEPIN' AT MY MOM'S.
OH, MY GOD.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
YEAH.
WELL, IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WOKE UP COVERED IN VICKS VAPORUB.
YEAH, I HEAR THAT.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? CARRIE'S OUT WITH HER DAD THIS WHOLE WEEKEND.
SHE'S GONE.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST CRASH AT MY PLACE? IT'LL BE FUN.
YEAH? YEAH! THINK ABOUT IT.
JUST ME AND YOU, RIGHT? NO SKIRTS GIVIN' US THE YAP-YAP.
HA HA! HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH.
LET ME JUST ASK MY MOM-TELL.
I'M GONNA HEY, MA.
MA, LISTEN, A CHANGE OF PLANS.
I'M GONNA SLEEP AT MY FRIEND DOUG'S HOUSE.
NO, THIS IS NOT MY WAY OF TELLING YOU I'M GAY.
I DON'T KNOW HOW I WOULD TELL YOU, MA.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M HANGIN' UP.
I'M HANGIN' UP, MA.
THAT'S THE ANSWERING MACHINE.
WE'RE GOOD.
WE'RE GOOD.
OK.
YEAH.
YEAH.
IT'S THIS WAY, JUST PAST ETHEL MERMAN.
YOUR MOTHER IS LAID TO REST AMONG BROADWAY ROYALTY.
DAD, THAT SAYS "ETHEL MELMAN.
" WAIT, WAIT.
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR MOTHER IN 20 YEARS.
I WANT HER GRAVE TO LOOK SHIP-SHAPE.
OK? SOPHIA, I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
I HAD A LITTLE DISPUTE WITH A TOLL TAKER OVER THEIR "NO PENNIES" POLICY.
MORE ABOUT THAT LATER.
I HAVE A LITTLE SURPRISE.
I BROUGHT YOUR DAUGHTER TO SEE YOU.
HI, MOM.
SORRY IT'S TAKEN ME SO LONG TO GET HERE, BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU.
GOOD STUFF.
NOW, LET'S GO.
DAD, COULD YOU GIVE ME A MINUTE? IT'S A BEAUTIFUL STONE, DAD.
THANK YOU.
"SOPHIA SPOONER, BELOVED WIFE OF ARTHUR, DEVOTED MOTHER TO " THE FLOWERS ARE COVERING MY NAME.
NOT EVERYTHING'S ABOUT YOU.
LET'S GO! THIS PLACE GIVE ME THE CREEPS! "DEVOTED MOTHER TO SIMONE?" I NEVER NOTICED THAT.
MUST BE A TYPO.
SHALL WE? DAD, WHAT- WHAT'S GOIN' ON? WHY ISN'T MY NAME THERE? IT'S A LONG STORY, DARLING.
YOU REMEMBER YOUR COUSIN SIMONE? COUSIN SIMONE IS MY SISTER? NO, NO.
NOTHING LIKE THAT.
YOU'RE SIMONE.
UP TO YOU.
ARE YOU ALMOST DONE, DADDY? UH, NO, SIMONE.
DADDY'S STILL PLAYING.
ARE YOU WINNING? IF YOU MUST KNOW, I'M DOWN $600.
OY.
WHY DON'T YOU GO PLAY WITH YOUR COUSIN CARRIE? OK.
WELL, IT'S JUST YOU AND ME, CHESTER.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GONNA RAISE YOU ANOTHER 50.
I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH LEFT.
HEY, YOU'RE THE BIG SHOT WHO WANTED TO PLAY FOR HIGH STAKES, ARTHUR.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
UH HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU THIS WRISTWATCH AND THE SPARE KEY TO MY NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE, HUH? NO, THAT'S NOT GONNA CUT IT, ARTHUR.
BUT YOU DO HAVE SOMETHING I WANT.
WHAT? YOUR DAUGHTER'S NAME.
YOU WANNA PLAY FOR "SIMONE"?! YOU KNEW WE WANTED THAT NAME FOR OUR LITTLE GIRL! YOU STOLE IT FROM US! WELL, THE PREMATURE BIRD GETS THE WORM! ARE YOU IN, OR YOU OUT? YOU LOST MY NAME IN A POKER GAME?! I HAD A STRAIGHT TO THE ACE.
THAT HE PULLED A FLUSH IS UNHEARD OF! HA! I LOVE THE WALLPAPER GUY, MAN.
ALWAYS YELLIN' AT THE PLUMBER.
YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE COOL IF THEY HAD A NAIL-GUN FIGHT.
THAT PLUMBER WOULD BEAT HIM SENSELESS.
I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
WALLPAPER GUY'S TOUGH.
YEAH, BUT THAT PLUMBER, HE'S GOT, LIKE, CRAZY EYES.
YOU KNOW, HE'S LIKE THIS.
UH-HA HA.
EASY.
YEAH, TAKE- NOW LET'S PUT THAT CHEERLEADING THING BACK ON.
IT'S OVER.
MIDLAND, TEXAS WON.
WHAT?! OH, SEE? THAT'S WHY I STOPPED BETTIN'.
IT'S ALL FIXED.
UH I GOTTA SAY, MAN, THIS IS THIS IS PRETTY LAME.
WHAT? WELL LOOK AT US.
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.
UHH.
OUR WIVES ARE OUT OF TOWN, AND THIS IS THE BEST WE COME UP WITH? YOU WANT ME TO GO HOME? NO! NO.
LET'S JUST- LET'S SHAKE IT UP A LITTLE BIT.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, YOU WANNA GET A PIZZA? NO! YES, I DO, BUT NOT- THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
WELL, WHAT? I JUS- BEFORE I WAS WITH CARRIE, I I USED-I DID WHATEVER I WANTED TO DO.
YOU KNOW? I WAS LIKE A WILD BULL.
YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT.
YEAH.
LET'S DO THAT TONIGHT.
LET'S LET'S BE WILD BULLS.
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT.
I CAN DO WILD BULL.
WHAT WHAT WHAT DO WILD BULLS DO? WELL CARRIE DOESN'T LIKE IT WHEN I MAKE A MESS, BUT YOU CAN'T TELL A BULL NOT TO MAKE A MESS! YEEEAAAHHH! OOOWWWW! W- WE GOT ANY MORE CHEETOS? NO.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUTTA THIS.
DAD IF IT'S NOT SUCH A BIG DEAL, THEN WHY DID MOM HAVE YOU PUT "SIMONE" ON HER TOMBSTONE? SHE NEVER FORGAVE ME FOR LOSING IT.
EVEN IN DEATH, SHE WAS PETTY.
YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD? I HAVE PUT UP WITH YOUR CRAZINESS MY WHOLE LIFE.
YOU HAVE RUINED RELATIONSHIPS FOR ME, COST ME JOBS.
YOU EVEN SPENT MY COLLEGE TUITION ON BUYING THE RIGHTS TO THE LOU RAWLS STORY.
THAT STORY NEEDS TO BE TOLD, AND IT WILL BE! OHHH DARLING IT'S JUST A NAME.
DAD, IT IS NOT JUST A NAME.
OK? IT'S IMPORTANT.
IT- IT DEFINES WHO YOU ARE, HOW PEOPLE TREAT YOU.
I MEAN, IF I'D BEEN SIMONE, I MAYBE I WOULD'VE HAD A WHOLE, DIFFERENT, BETTER LIFE.
BUT WE'LL NEVER KNOW, WILL WE? THE MAN DREW A FLUSH.
OHHH! HEY, THE CAR SHOW'S IN TOWN.
NAH.
OOH! STUTTERIN' JOHN'S IN RENT.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
HEY, WE COULD GO SEE THAT PENGUIN MOVIE.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I MEAN, THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHIN' WE CAN DO.
CHECK THIS OUT.
WHY DON'T WE PARTY WITH THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE AT THE LIGHTNING LOUNGE? HEY, HEY, WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ROCK AND BOWL? "FREE SHOE RENTAL.
" WOULD-COME ON! TONIGHT'S ABOUT TAKIN' OUR MANHOOD BACK! I SAY WE DO THIS CLUB THING.
NO, NO.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT GOIN' TO A CLUB.
COME ON.
I MEAN, WE-WE'RE MARRIED MEN.
WE'RE NOT GOIN' THERE TO PICK UP WOMEN.
THIS IS A GUYS' NIGHT OUT, MAN! COME ON, WE'RE WILD BULLS! NOW, LET'S DO THIS.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
ARE YOU GONNA GO LIKE THAT? YOU'RE WEARIN' SWEATS.
OK, FIRST OF ALL, THESE ARE EASY-FIT PANTS.
AND YOU SHOULD TALK.
YOU LOOK LIKE BOB VILA.
MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO HOME.
SIMONE! SIMONE! YEAH! SIMONE! SIMONE! OVER HERE! WE LOVE YOU, SIMONE! SIMONE! SIMONE! WE LOVE YOU! OH, AND I LOVE YOU.
WHERE TO, MISS SIMONE? UH I GUESS BRAD AND ANGELINA'S.
BUT I'M NOT SINGIN'.
VERY GOOD.
YOU KNOW, I MAY BE A TAD OUT OF LINE SAYIN' THIS, BUT YOU LOOK ABSOLUTELY HEY, DOUG, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHIN'.
WHAT'S UP? WE LOOK PRETTY GOOD HERE, RIGHT? I LOOK GREAT.
EXACTLY.
AND WE'RE SUCCESSFUL.
WE SMELL GOOD.
EVEN THOUGH WE'RE NOT INTERESTED, THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THAT SOME OF THESE LADIES ARE GONNA THROW THEMSELVES AT US.
OH, MY GOD.
I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WE SHOULD COME UP WITH SOME KIND OF CODE WORD.
FOR WHAT? IN CASE THINGS GET OUTTA HAND.
OH.
YOU-OH, YOU MEAN LIKE IF THIS CHICK'S ALL OVER ME OR SOMETHIN' LIKE THAT, AND I NEED YOU TO BAIL ME OUT? I JUST SAY THE CODE WORD? EXACTLY.
OK.
EXACTLY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT THE CODE WORD TO BE? HOW ABOUT "KETTLE CORN"? "KETTLE CORN"? YEAH.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH "KETTLE CORN"? WELL, IT'S JUST- IT'S NOT ORGANIC.
IT DOESN'T COME UP IN A SENTENCE VERY OFTEN.
IT DOES FOR ME.
PEOPLE, YOU CANNOT STAND HERE.
PLEASE MOVE INSIDE.
LET'S DO THIS.
WILD BULLS.
YES.
AHEM.
HELLO.
HI.
HELLO THERE.
HELLO.
IT'S "KETTLE CORN," THOUGH, RIGHT? YEAH, IT'S "KETTLE CORN.
" OK.
YEAH.
YEAH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? I'M GOIN' OUT.
IT'S 2:00 IN THE MORNING.
WHERE YOU GOIN'? TO UNCLE CHESTER'S.
TO WIN YOUR NAME BACK.
OH, MY, THAT'S CRAZY.
YOU'RE HAPPY WITH YOUR LIFE? SCHLEPPING COFFEE FOR SUITS BY DAY AND FOLDING GIANT UNDERWEAR BY NIGHT? 'CAUSE AS LONG AS YOU'RE CARRIE, THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GONNA GET.
DAD, COME ON.
JUST GO BACK TO BED.
YOU WERE RIGHT.
AS SIMONE, YOU COULD'VE HAD A BETTER LIFE.
YOU COULD'VE BEEN AN ASTRONAUT OR A AN INVENTOR.
OR A MOVIE STAR? YES.
I'LL CALL YOU A CAB.
AHH GUESS WE DIDN'T REALLY NEED A CODE WORD, HUH? YEAH, THAT'S SURPRISIN'.
USUALLY THE SOUND OF A GUY SUCKIN' ICE DRIVES WOMEN WILD.
HEY, I PAID 15 BUCKS FOR THIS DRINK.
OK? IF I WANT TO EAT THE GLASS, I'LL DO THAT.
AND YOU WITH YOUR UP-NODS AND SMILIN'.
LIKE THAT WAS WORKIN'.
"HEY, EVERYBODY, LOOK AT ME.
"LOOK AT MY RECEDING GUMS.
"HEY, HORSE TEETH.
HORSE TEETH.
HORSE TEETH.
BIG CHOPPERS.
" YEAH, WELL I'M SURE NOBODY SAW MY MOUTH BECAUSE LUCKILY I'M SITTIN' NEXT TO A GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE HE ATE THE GUY SITTIN' NEXT TO HIM.
MM-HMM.
UH-HUH.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN', MAN.
IF I WAS SINGLE, I WOULD STOMP YOU IN THE CHICK DEPARTMENT.
OHHH BOY.
WHAT DO YOU- YOU-YOU THINK YOU GOT MORE GAME THAN ME? REALLY? I KNOW I DO.
OH, YEAH.
THAT'S FUNNY.
THAT IS FUNNY.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
HOW ABOUT A- A LITTLE WAGER? I'M IN.
OK.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THIS? $100, FIRST ONE WHO GET SOMEBODY TO DANCE WITH HIM.
LITERALLY THE EASIEST HUNDRED BUCKS I'VE EVER MADE IN MY LIFE.
YEAH? ALL RIGHT.
AHEM.
OK.
'SCUSE ME.
WOULD YOU, UH WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE? NO, THANKS.
HOW 'BOUT YOU? YOU? YOU.
HI.
EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND.
WOULD - NO.
WOUL- YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY.
I HAVE MONEY, AND I'M DYING.
OK? OH, MY GOD! THIS IS TOTALLY MY SONG! OH, MY GOD.
IT'S TOTALLY MY SONG, TOO.
YOU WANT TO DANCE? AHEM.
YOU'RE UP NOW.
I'M ON DECK.
SHE'S GREAT.
SHE'S SO GREAT.
SHE'S GREAT.
EXCUSE ME.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS? YEAH.
YEAH, I DO.
IT'S RIGHT UP THERE TO THE RIGHT.
YEAH.
YEAH.
IT'S OVER THIS WAY.
I'LL SHOW YOU.
YEAH.
HEY.
PAY UP, MAN.
PAY UP.
ALL RIGHT.
PAY UP.
FIRST OF ALL, DOES SHE EVEN KNOW SHE'S DANCIN' WITH YOU? OH.
I THINK SHE KNOWS.
YEAH.
OK? SHE'S MAKIN' OUT WITH THAT GUY.
THAT'S 'CAUSE I TOLD HER TO.
IT TURNS ME ON.
OK? ALL RIGHT, LOOK, HERE'S THE RULE.
IT'S GOTTA BE SOMEONE WHO'S NOT ALREADY DANCIN', SOMEONE STARTING FROM A STANDING OR NEUTRAL POSITION.
LET'S DO IT.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GO.
UH OH, YEAH.
UM, WILL YOU DANCE WITH ME REAL - REALLY QUICK? OH, NO, THANKS.
HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU WHAT? YEAH.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE? NO, NO, NO.
NOTHIN'.
NOTHIN'.
I JUST WANTED HER TO DANCE WITH ME JUST FOR ONE SECOND.
HE SAID HE'D GIVE ME $50.
YOU THINK SHE'S A HOOKER? NO! NO, NO, NO.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.
FORGET ABOUT THAT.
FORGET ABOUT IT.
HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU 50 BUCKS, YOU DANCE WITH ME? HOW ABOUT I KICK YOUR ASS, OLD MAN? KETTLE CORN! SO? YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S OK, DAD.
YOU TRIED.
THAT'S THE IMPORTANT THING.
BESIDES, YOU KNOW, I LIKE MY LIFE.
HAVE A GREAT HUSBAND CRAZY DAD WHO LOVES ME.
HMMHH.
I LIKE BEING CARRIE.
ABOUT THAT OH, MY GOD.
DID YOU LOSE THE NAME "CARRIE"?! I PREFER TO THINK OF IT AS WINNING YOU THE NAME "MIDGE.
" HEY, I KETTLE-CORNED YOU, MAN! EXCUSE ME.
RAVEN AND I ARE WAITIN' FOR A SONG TO DANCE TO.
YOU STUPID IDIOT.
WILL YOU HELP ME OUT? THIS GUY'S GONNA KILL ME.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? I HIT ON HIS GIRLFRIEND AND THEN KINDA ON HIM.
GIVE HIM A LITTLE ATTITUDE.
HE'LL BACK RIGHT DOWN.
WHASSUP, MAN? GET DOWN! STOP IT! YOU'RE MAKIN' IT WORSE! YOU STOP, MAN.
THERE'S TWO OF US.
THERE'S ONE OF HIM.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO, RUN OUT OF HERE LIKE LITTLE GIRLS? CRAWL OUT THE BATHROOM WINDOW? YEAH! THAT-YES! THE BATHROOM! WOULD YOU STOP IT? COME ON, NOW, MAN! YOU'RE A WILD BULL, RIGHT?! I'M 45, AND I'M TREMBLING.
NO.
COME ON, MAN.
WE'RE WILD BULLS.
YOU'RE A WILD BULL! YEAH.
RIGHT? YEAH.
I'M A WILD BULL.
WILD BULL.
RIGHT! NOW, GIMME SOME CRAZY EYES.
THAT KARATE'S SOMETHIN' ELSE, HUH? YEAH.
IT'S BAD NEWS.
YEAH.
DID YOU FIND YOUR TOOTH? THEY TOLD ME THEY'D CALL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT GUY WAS ON PAROLE FOR? WHATEVER IT WAS, HE'S GOTTA ADD SEXUAL ASSAULT NOW.
SO, THE CODE WORD'S "FIDDLE-FADDLE," RIGHT? "FIDDLE-FADDLE.
" RIGHT.
DAD, YOU'RE GOIN' TO NEW JERSEY.
STILL, BORDER CROSSINGS ARE NOTHING TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY.
I'M AFRAID I LEARNED THAT THE HARD WAY.
I THINK IT'S SWEET THAT YOU VISIT MOM'S GRAVE EVERY YEAR.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S BEEN 20 YEARS.
I KNOW, AND IT'S A SHAME SHE NEVER SAW WHAT A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN YOU'VE BECOME.
THANK YOU, DAD.
AS ALWAYS, I'LL SEND HER YOUR WARMEST REGARDS.
YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, I THINK I'M GONNA- I'M GONNA COME WITH YOU THIS TIME.
WHY? YOU-YOU- YOU NEVER COME.
I KNOW.
WELL, I WAS A TEENAGER WHEN SHE DIED, AND I THINK I WAS ANGRY AT HER FOR LEAVING ME WITHOUT A MOTHER, ESPECIALLY WHEN I HAD TO GO BRA SHOPPING WITH YOU.
IN RETROSPECT, I SHOULD'VE LET YOU GO INTO THE DRESSING ROOM BY YOURSELF.
ANYWAY, I'LL SEE YOU ON MONDAY.
DAD, I SAID I'M GONNA COME WITH YOU.
YOU CAN'T! WHY NOT? I, UH I'M STAYING WITH YOUR UNCLE CHESTER, AND HE LIKES TO WALK AROUND IN THE NUDE.
I WON'T HAVE YOU SEE THAT AGAIN! THEN WE'LL STAY IN A MOTEL.
JUST GIVE ME A HALF HOUR TO GET PACKED.
HEY, BABE, LISTEN, I'M GOING UP TO NEW JERSEY WITH MY FATHER TO VISIT MY MOM'S GRAVE FOR THE WEEKEND.
YOU'RE GONNA BE GONE THE WHOLE WEEKEND? ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? COULD YOU AT LEAST PRETEND YOU'RE GONNA MISS ME? OF COURSE I'M GONNA MISS YOU.
I AM.
OK? WHICH ONE OF THESE GOES BETTER WITH STEAK-UMS? UM, I REALLY DON'T KNOW.
I'M REALLY INTRIGUED BY THESE "FLAMIN' HOT" ONES, BUT I HEAR IF YOU EAT THE WHOLE BAG, YOUR TONGUE GETS SWOLLEN.
MY MANAGER JUST TOLD ME TO STACK THE BEAN DIP.
HEY, YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA GET 'EM BOTH, SO WHY THE DANCE? RAY! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! HEY, MAN! WHAT'S IT BEEN, LIKE, 2 YEARS? AT LEAST.
YEAH.
WHAT DO WE DO? DO WE SHAKE? YOU DON'T HUG, RIGHT? I DO.
WITH SOME PEOPLE, I DO.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
COOL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO EATS, MAN.
WHAT DO YOU GOT GOIN' ON HERE? UH, A LOG OF SALAMI, CHIPS, AND CHEESE.
I GUESS YOU'RE NOT BUYIN' INTO THE WHOLE CHOLESTEROL THING, HUH? OH, I'M BUYIN' INTO IT.
I JUST WANT TO SEE HOW HIGH I CAN GET THE NUMBERS.
SO, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO? NOTHIN'.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE DOIN' THE FLOORS AT MY HOUSE, SO DEBRA TOOK THE KIDS TO CONNECTICUT, AND I'M SLEEPIN' AT MY MOM'S.
OH, MY GOD.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
YEAH.
WELL, IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WOKE UP COVERED IN VICKS VAPORUB.
YEAH, I HEAR THAT.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? CARRIE'S OUT WITH HER DAD THIS WHOLE WEEKEND.
SHE'S GONE.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST CRASH AT MY PLACE? IT'LL BE FUN.
YEAH? YEAH! THINK ABOUT IT.
JUST ME AND YOU, RIGHT? NO SKIRTS GIVIN' US THE YAP-YAP.
HA HA! HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH.
LET ME JUST ASK MY MOM-TELL.
I'M GONNA HEY, MA.
MA, LISTEN, A CHANGE OF PLANS.
I'M GONNA SLEEP AT MY FRIEND DOUG'S HOUSE.
NO, THIS IS NOT MY WAY OF TELLING YOU I'M GAY.
I DON'T KNOW HOW I WOULD TELL YOU, MA.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M HANGIN' UP.
I'M HANGIN' UP, MA.
THAT'S THE ANSWERING MACHINE.
WE'RE GOOD.
WE'RE GOOD.
OK.
YEAH.
YEAH.
IT'S THIS WAY, JUST PAST ETHEL MERMAN.
YOUR MOTHER IS LAID TO REST AMONG BROADWAY ROYALTY.
DAD, THAT SAYS "ETHEL MELMAN.
" WAIT, WAIT.
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR MOTHER IN 20 YEARS.
I WANT HER GRAVE TO LOOK SHIP-SHAPE.
OK? SOPHIA, I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
I HAD A LITTLE DISPUTE WITH A TOLL TAKER OVER THEIR "NO PENNIES" POLICY.
MORE ABOUT THAT LATER.
I HAVE A LITTLE SURPRISE.
I BROUGHT YOUR DAUGHTER TO SEE YOU.
HI, MOM.
SORRY IT'S TAKEN ME SO LONG TO GET HERE, BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU.
GOOD STUFF.
NOW, LET'S GO.
DAD, COULD YOU GIVE ME A MINUTE? IT'S A BEAUTIFUL STONE, DAD.
THANK YOU.
"SOPHIA SPOONER, BELOVED WIFE OF ARTHUR, DEVOTED MOTHER TO " THE FLOWERS ARE COVERING MY NAME.
NOT EVERYTHING'S ABOUT YOU.
LET'S GO! THIS PLACE GIVE ME THE CREEPS! "DEVOTED MOTHER TO SIMONE?" I NEVER NOTICED THAT.
MUST BE A TYPO.
SHALL WE? DAD, WHAT- WHAT'S GOIN' ON? WHY ISN'T MY NAME THERE? IT'S A LONG STORY, DARLING.
YOU REMEMBER YOUR COUSIN SIMONE? COUSIN SIMONE IS MY SISTER? NO, NO.
NOTHING LIKE THAT.
YOU'RE SIMONE.
UP TO YOU.
ARE YOU ALMOST DONE, DADDY? UH, NO, SIMONE.
DADDY'S STILL PLAYING.
ARE YOU WINNING? IF YOU MUST KNOW, I'M DOWN $600.
OY.
WHY DON'T YOU GO PLAY WITH YOUR COUSIN CARRIE? OK.
WELL, IT'S JUST YOU AND ME, CHESTER.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GONNA RAISE YOU ANOTHER 50.
I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH LEFT.
HEY, YOU'RE THE BIG SHOT WHO WANTED TO PLAY FOR HIGH STAKES, ARTHUR.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
UH HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU THIS WRISTWATCH AND THE SPARE KEY TO MY NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE, HUH? NO, THAT'S NOT GONNA CUT IT, ARTHUR.
BUT YOU DO HAVE SOMETHING I WANT.
WHAT? YOUR DAUGHTER'S NAME.
YOU WANNA PLAY FOR "SIMONE"?! YOU KNEW WE WANTED THAT NAME FOR OUR LITTLE GIRL! YOU STOLE IT FROM US! WELL, THE PREMATURE BIRD GETS THE WORM! ARE YOU IN, OR YOU OUT? YOU LOST MY NAME IN A POKER GAME?! I HAD A STRAIGHT TO THE ACE.
THAT HE PULLED A FLUSH IS UNHEARD OF! HA! I LOVE THE WALLPAPER GUY, MAN.
ALWAYS YELLIN' AT THE PLUMBER.
YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE COOL IF THEY HAD A NAIL-GUN FIGHT.
THAT PLUMBER WOULD BEAT HIM SENSELESS.
I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
WALLPAPER GUY'S TOUGH.
YEAH, BUT THAT PLUMBER, HE'S GOT, LIKE, CRAZY EYES.
YOU KNOW, HE'S LIKE THIS.
UH-HA HA.
EASY.
YEAH, TAKE- NOW LET'S PUT THAT CHEERLEADING THING BACK ON.
IT'S OVER.
MIDLAND, TEXAS WON.
WHAT?! OH, SEE? THAT'S WHY I STOPPED BETTIN'.
IT'S ALL FIXED.
UH I GOTTA SAY, MAN, THIS IS THIS IS PRETTY LAME.
WHAT? WELL LOOK AT US.
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.
UHH.
OUR WIVES ARE OUT OF TOWN, AND THIS IS THE BEST WE COME UP WITH? YOU WANT ME TO GO HOME? NO! NO.
LET'S JUST- LET'S SHAKE IT UP A LITTLE BIT.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, YOU WANNA GET A PIZZA? NO! YES, I DO, BUT NOT- THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
WELL, WHAT? I JUS- BEFORE I WAS WITH CARRIE, I I USED-I DID WHATEVER I WANTED TO DO.
YOU KNOW? I WAS LIKE A WILD BULL.
YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT.
YEAH.
LET'S DO THAT TONIGHT.
LET'S LET'S BE WILD BULLS.
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT.
I CAN DO WILD BULL.
WHAT WHAT WHAT DO WILD BULLS DO? WELL CARRIE DOESN'T LIKE IT WHEN I MAKE A MESS, BUT YOU CAN'T TELL A BULL NOT TO MAKE A MESS! YEEEAAAHHH! OOOWWWW! W- WE GOT ANY MORE CHEETOS? NO.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUTTA THIS.
DAD IF IT'S NOT SUCH A BIG DEAL, THEN WHY DID MOM HAVE YOU PUT "SIMONE" ON HER TOMBSTONE? SHE NEVER FORGAVE ME FOR LOSING IT.
EVEN IN DEATH, SHE WAS PETTY.
YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD? I HAVE PUT UP WITH YOUR CRAZINESS MY WHOLE LIFE.
YOU HAVE RUINED RELATIONSHIPS FOR ME, COST ME JOBS.
YOU EVEN SPENT MY COLLEGE TUITION ON BUYING THE RIGHTS TO THE LOU RAWLS STORY.
THAT STORY NEEDS TO BE TOLD, AND IT WILL BE! OHHH DARLING IT'S JUST A NAME.
DAD, IT IS NOT JUST A NAME.
OK? IT'S IMPORTANT.
IT- IT DEFINES WHO YOU ARE, HOW PEOPLE TREAT YOU.
I MEAN, IF I'D BEEN SIMONE, I MAYBE I WOULD'VE HAD A WHOLE, DIFFERENT, BETTER LIFE.
BUT WE'LL NEVER KNOW, WILL WE? THE MAN DREW A FLUSH.
OHHH! HEY, THE CAR SHOW'S IN TOWN.
NAH.
OOH! STUTTERIN' JOHN'S IN RENT.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
HEY, WE COULD GO SEE THAT PENGUIN MOVIE.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I MEAN, THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHIN' WE CAN DO.
CHECK THIS OUT.
WHY DON'T WE PARTY WITH THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE AT THE LIGHTNING LOUNGE? HEY, HEY, WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ROCK AND BOWL? "FREE SHOE RENTAL.
" WOULD-COME ON! TONIGHT'S ABOUT TAKIN' OUR MANHOOD BACK! I SAY WE DO THIS CLUB THING.
NO, NO.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT GOIN' TO A CLUB.
COME ON.
I MEAN, WE-WE'RE MARRIED MEN.
WE'RE NOT GOIN' THERE TO PICK UP WOMEN.
THIS IS A GUYS' NIGHT OUT, MAN! COME ON, WE'RE WILD BULLS! NOW, LET'S DO THIS.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
ARE YOU GONNA GO LIKE THAT? YOU'RE WEARIN' SWEATS.
OK, FIRST OF ALL, THESE ARE EASY-FIT PANTS.
AND YOU SHOULD TALK.
YOU LOOK LIKE BOB VILA.
MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO HOME.
SIMONE! SIMONE! YEAH! SIMONE! SIMONE! OVER HERE! WE LOVE YOU, SIMONE! SIMONE! SIMONE! WE LOVE YOU! OH, AND I LOVE YOU.
WHERE TO, MISS SIMONE? UH I GUESS BRAD AND ANGELINA'S.
BUT I'M NOT SINGIN'.
VERY GOOD.
YOU KNOW, I MAY BE A TAD OUT OF LINE SAYIN' THIS, BUT YOU LOOK ABSOLUTELY HEY, DOUG, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHIN'.
WHAT'S UP? WE LOOK PRETTY GOOD HERE, RIGHT? I LOOK GREAT.
EXACTLY.
AND WE'RE SUCCESSFUL.
WE SMELL GOOD.
EVEN THOUGH WE'RE NOT INTERESTED, THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THAT SOME OF THESE LADIES ARE GONNA THROW THEMSELVES AT US.
OH, MY GOD.
I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WE SHOULD COME UP WITH SOME KIND OF CODE WORD.
FOR WHAT? IN CASE THINGS GET OUTTA HAND.
OH.
YOU-OH, YOU MEAN LIKE IF THIS CHICK'S ALL OVER ME OR SOMETHIN' LIKE THAT, AND I NEED YOU TO BAIL ME OUT? I JUST SAY THE CODE WORD? EXACTLY.
OK.
EXACTLY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT THE CODE WORD TO BE? HOW ABOUT "KETTLE CORN"? "KETTLE CORN"? YEAH.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH "KETTLE CORN"? WELL, IT'S JUST- IT'S NOT ORGANIC.
IT DOESN'T COME UP IN A SENTENCE VERY OFTEN.
IT DOES FOR ME.
PEOPLE, YOU CANNOT STAND HERE.
PLEASE MOVE INSIDE.
LET'S DO THIS.
WILD BULLS.
YES.
AHEM.
HELLO.
HI.
HELLO THERE.
HELLO.
IT'S "KETTLE CORN," THOUGH, RIGHT? YEAH, IT'S "KETTLE CORN.
" OK.
YEAH.
YEAH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? I'M GOIN' OUT.
IT'S 2:00 IN THE MORNING.
WHERE YOU GOIN'? TO UNCLE CHESTER'S.
TO WIN YOUR NAME BACK.
OH, MY, THAT'S CRAZY.
YOU'RE HAPPY WITH YOUR LIFE? SCHLEPPING COFFEE FOR SUITS BY DAY AND FOLDING GIANT UNDERWEAR BY NIGHT? 'CAUSE AS LONG AS YOU'RE CARRIE, THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GONNA GET.
DAD, COME ON.
JUST GO BACK TO BED.
YOU WERE RIGHT.
AS SIMONE, YOU COULD'VE HAD A BETTER LIFE.
YOU COULD'VE BEEN AN ASTRONAUT OR A AN INVENTOR.
OR A MOVIE STAR? YES.
I'LL CALL YOU A CAB.
AHH GUESS WE DIDN'T REALLY NEED A CODE WORD, HUH? YEAH, THAT'S SURPRISIN'.
USUALLY THE SOUND OF A GUY SUCKIN' ICE DRIVES WOMEN WILD.
HEY, I PAID 15 BUCKS FOR THIS DRINK.
OK? IF I WANT TO EAT THE GLASS, I'LL DO THAT.
AND YOU WITH YOUR UP-NODS AND SMILIN'.
LIKE THAT WAS WORKIN'.
"HEY, EVERYBODY, LOOK AT ME.
"LOOK AT MY RECEDING GUMS.
"HEY, HORSE TEETH.
HORSE TEETH.
HORSE TEETH.
BIG CHOPPERS.
" YEAH, WELL I'M SURE NOBODY SAW MY MOUTH BECAUSE LUCKILY I'M SITTIN' NEXT TO A GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE HE ATE THE GUY SITTIN' NEXT TO HIM.
MM-HMM.
UH-HUH.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN', MAN.
IF I WAS SINGLE, I WOULD STOMP YOU IN THE CHICK DEPARTMENT.
OHHH BOY.
WHAT DO YOU- YOU-YOU THINK YOU GOT MORE GAME THAN ME? REALLY? I KNOW I DO.
OH, YEAH.
THAT'S FUNNY.
THAT IS FUNNY.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
HOW ABOUT A- A LITTLE WAGER? I'M IN.
OK.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THIS? $100, FIRST ONE WHO GET SOMEBODY TO DANCE WITH HIM.
LITERALLY THE EASIEST HUNDRED BUCKS I'VE EVER MADE IN MY LIFE.
YEAH? ALL RIGHT.
AHEM.
OK.
'SCUSE ME.
WOULD YOU, UH WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE? NO, THANKS.
HOW 'BOUT YOU? YOU? YOU.
HI.
EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND.
WOULD - NO.
WOUL- YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY.
I HAVE MONEY, AND I'M DYING.
OK? OH, MY GOD! THIS IS TOTALLY MY SONG! OH, MY GOD.
IT'S TOTALLY MY SONG, TOO.
YOU WANT TO DANCE? AHEM.
YOU'RE UP NOW.
I'M ON DECK.
SHE'S GREAT.
SHE'S SO GREAT.
SHE'S GREAT.
EXCUSE ME.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS? YEAH.
YEAH, I DO.
IT'S RIGHT UP THERE TO THE RIGHT.
YEAH.
YEAH.
IT'S OVER THIS WAY.
I'LL SHOW YOU.
YEAH.
HEY.
PAY UP, MAN.
PAY UP.
ALL RIGHT.
PAY UP.
FIRST OF ALL, DOES SHE EVEN KNOW SHE'S DANCIN' WITH YOU? OH.
I THINK SHE KNOWS.
YEAH.
OK? SHE'S MAKIN' OUT WITH THAT GUY.
THAT'S 'CAUSE I TOLD HER TO.
IT TURNS ME ON.
OK? ALL RIGHT, LOOK, HERE'S THE RULE.
IT'S GOTTA BE SOMEONE WHO'S NOT ALREADY DANCIN', SOMEONE STARTING FROM A STANDING OR NEUTRAL POSITION.
LET'S DO IT.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GO.
UH OH, YEAH.
UM, WILL YOU DANCE WITH ME REAL - REALLY QUICK? OH, NO, THANKS.
HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU WHAT? YEAH.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE? NO, NO, NO.
NOTHIN'.
NOTHIN'.
I JUST WANTED HER TO DANCE WITH ME JUST FOR ONE SECOND.
HE SAID HE'D GIVE ME $50.
YOU THINK SHE'S A HOOKER? NO! NO, NO, NO.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.
FORGET ABOUT THAT.
FORGET ABOUT IT.
HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU 50 BUCKS, YOU DANCE WITH ME? HOW ABOUT I KICK YOUR ASS, OLD MAN? KETTLE CORN! SO? YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S OK, DAD.
YOU TRIED.
THAT'S THE IMPORTANT THING.
BESIDES, YOU KNOW, I LIKE MY LIFE.
HAVE A GREAT HUSBAND CRAZY DAD WHO LOVES ME.
HMMHH.
I LIKE BEING CARRIE.
ABOUT THAT OH, MY GOD.
DID YOU LOSE THE NAME "CARRIE"?! I PREFER TO THINK OF IT AS WINNING YOU THE NAME "MIDGE.
" HEY, I KETTLE-CORNED YOU, MAN! EXCUSE ME.
RAVEN AND I ARE WAITIN' FOR A SONG TO DANCE TO.
YOU STUPID IDIOT.
WILL YOU HELP ME OUT? THIS GUY'S GONNA KILL ME.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? I HIT ON HIS GIRLFRIEND AND THEN KINDA ON HIM.
GIVE HIM A LITTLE ATTITUDE.
HE'LL BACK RIGHT DOWN.
WHASSUP, MAN? GET DOWN! STOP IT! YOU'RE MAKIN' IT WORSE! YOU STOP, MAN.
THERE'S TWO OF US.
THERE'S ONE OF HIM.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO, RUN OUT OF HERE LIKE LITTLE GIRLS? CRAWL OUT THE BATHROOM WINDOW? YEAH! THAT-YES! THE BATHROOM! WOULD YOU STOP IT? COME ON, NOW, MAN! YOU'RE A WILD BULL, RIGHT?! I'M 45, AND I'M TREMBLING.
NO.
COME ON, MAN.
WE'RE WILD BULLS.
YOU'RE A WILD BULL! YEAH.
RIGHT? YEAH.
I'M A WILD BULL.
WILD BULL.
RIGHT! NOW, GIMME SOME CRAZY EYES.
THAT KARATE'S SOMETHIN' ELSE, HUH? YEAH.
IT'S BAD NEWS.
YEAH.
DID YOU FIND YOUR TOOTH? THEY TOLD ME THEY'D CALL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT GUY WAS ON PAROLE FOR? WHATEVER IT WAS, HE'S GOTTA ADD SEXUAL ASSAULT NOW.
SO, THE CODE WORD'S "FIDDLE-FADDLE," RIGHT? "FIDDLE-FADDLE.
" RIGHT.