Frasier s08e11 Episode Script

Oh, Chelsea, you are in for a rare treat tonight.
Your first opera, and Ben Heppner is singing the role of Tristan.
Oh, this is gonna be a whole new experience for me.
Why? You've never been bored before? [ENGINE STOPS.]
Oh, dear.
Car seems to have stalled.
Oh, great.
Now what? All right, let's not panic.
Chelsea, if you would, please, open the glove compartment.
You will find a flashlight and a small tool kit.
Ah.
Reach behind them and hand me my cell phone.
I'm gonna call the Auto Club.
By the time they get here, we'll miss the opera.
You know, my ex-boyfriend used to restore Corvettes.
Maybe I can poke around and take a look.
I suppose I could give you a hand.
You don't grow up with eight brothers and not learn a thing or two about engines.
Or the importance of being first in the shower.
Now, now, ladies.
Niles and I are no strangers to the automobile.
Niles, let's have a look.
I'll pop the hood.
That won't void the warranty, will it? Ha-ha-ha.
That's very funny, Niles.
No cause for alarm, ladies.
Here we go.
Hey, Eddie.
This is my boy, Eddie.
This is my other boy, Frasier.
Oh, dear God.
Dad, you know very well we have no room in this house for another dog, let alone a puppy.
They chew the furniture, they dig like demons and they soil the carpet.
The puppy's mine, Frasier.
Oh, well, congratulations.
Everybody should have one.
Alice just begged me for one.
Martin, thank you so much for helping me pick him out.
Are you kidding? I had a blast.
Now, here's Eddie's old puppy collar.
And his brush.
And his first chew toy.
Oh, Martin, I can't believe you kept all his things.
Well, I always thought he'd have a brother or two.
You know, you always think you're gonna have one more.
Dad, I said you could have a fish.
Roz, would you help me here, please? You know, Martin, I could use someone to help me walk him while I'm at work.
- You could be like his grandpa.
MARTIN: That'd be great.
You know, he looks kind of thirsty, Roz.
- You might wanna get some water.
- Oh, that's a good idea.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, look, a puppy.
Oh! - Hello, Niles, come in.
- Hello.
It took me half the morning, but I found it.
- Good.
MARTIN: Found what? Night school catalogue.
Oh, what classes you guys looking for? Auto repair.
[MARTIN LAUGHING.]
MARTIN: No, seriously.
No, no.
Well, we are serious, Dad.
Niles and I felt helpless last night when my car broke down.
And I vowed never to be humiliated that way again.
I'm more than a little convinced that's why Chelsea turned me down for a second date.
I'm sure that had nothing to do with it.
If I had to guess, I'd say it was all that blubbering at the opera that killed your chances.
But it was Ben Heppner singing Tristan.
You'd have to be stone not to weep at his tragic end.
Hey, hey, haven't seen it yet.
Here we are.
"Basic Car Repair and Maintenance.
" Ha-ha.
I will call the bursar at once.
MARTIN: You guys are really gonna do this? FRASIER: Mm-hm.
- Monkey around with engines? Get calluses and grease under your nails? FRASIER: Yes, actually, I'm looking forward to it, Dad.
Well, good for you, Frasier.
I'm impressed.
As the enigma we call Shakespeare once wrote, "I am a true labourer.
I earn that I eat, get that I wear, owe no man hate, envy no man's happiness.
" You just couldn't let me enjoy it, could you? - Hey, Roz.
- Hey, Grandpa.
- How was the little critter today? - Oh, terrific.
Ate all his chow.
At least he did after I added some water to give it a kind of a gravy texture.
We took a walk in the park.
Now, they're only young once, Roz.
Savour the days.
You had a big day today, didn't you? Didn't you? Yeah.
[ROZ CHUCKLING.]
- Roz.
- What? - You shouldn't play with him that way.
- Why not? If you let him stand on you, makes him think he's dominant, - that you're below him in the pack.
- Oh, I didn't know that.
Don't worry.
It's a common mistake.
That's why I'm here.
So, uh, you're just gonna let him sit on the couch like that? Yeah.
He looks cute.
Well, all right, but you know, if you let him sit on the furniture, he's gonna think he's equal to you.
I've seen Eddie sitting on the furniture.
Ha-ha! We don't really wanna compare this puppy to Eddie now, do we? All I'm saying is Eddie breaks those "rules.
" And Hank Aaron held his bat all wrong.
The great ones have always broken the rules.
But first they learned the fundamentals, and that's what I'm trying to teach Frankie.
Frankie? You named my dog? Well, he's gotta have a name to respond to, and you were taking a long time coming up with one.
Well, Alice picked one last night.
Ariel, from The Little Mermaid.
Ariel? That's a girl's name.
I know, but she likes it, so we're going to stick with it.
Well, all right.
Shouldn't screw the dog up too much.
- What? - Nothing, l - I'd better be heading home.
- Wait, I'll walk with you.
I'm gonna take Ariel with me to pick up Alice at preschool.
- Where'd he go? - He's in the bedroom.
ROZ: Ariel? Ariel? Oh, shoot, I'm going to be late.
Ariel.
Frankie.
Not one word.
Feels good to be back in class again, doesn't it? It's fantastic.
You know, I'm almost jealous of whomever gets to sit here during the day and make learning his full-time occupation.
Judging from the carving on your desk, it looks like his name is Ozzy.
Yes, and apparently he rules.
All right, everybody.
My name is Randy.
And if you'll take your seats, we'll get started.
We're already seated, Randy.
Welcome to Basic Car Repair and Maintenance.
This is gonna be a real simple, low-stress class for people who don't know much about cars.
Yeah? What if you don't know anything about cars? I mean, absolutely nothing.
- Well, then - Randy, if I may.
On behalf of the class, I would like to say that I feel that we're all a bit anxious.
But with Randy as our driver, and desire as our gasoline, we will complete this journey together.
To paraphrase a famous little engine, "I think we can.
" Thank you.
Anyway, let's start with the basics.
A car burns gasoline to create small, carefully timed explosions whose energy is converted by the engine into forward motion.
I'll show you how that happens.
[WHISPERING.]
So the engine is just like the timpani.
It drives the orchestra forward.
[WHISPERING.]
The conductor drives the orchestra, not the timpani.
Yes, the conductor guides the orchestra.
He's more like the steering wheel.
The actual driving forward, the driving forward, is actually executed by the percussion section.
Sounds like someone needs a class in orchestras rather than automobiles.
- Which links the crankshaft to the camshaft, so that the valves are in sync with the pistons.
SHIRLEY: Oh.
RANDY: Now, as you can imagine, the tolerances of every component in the cylinder - What's a camshaft? - I don't know.
You were talking.
RANDY: The timing's off, even just a little Oh, right, here it is.
"The camshaft is the system that opens and closes the valves.
" - So it's this thing it shows here.
- Right, right, good, got it.
That was close.
We almost got behind.
- Well, let's not let that happen again.
- Agreed.
And if you only take one thing away from this course, that should be it.
Okay, moving on.
RANDY: So if you're finished changing the spark plugs, you're free to leave, and I'll see you next week.
Niles, it's down to us and Shirley.
SHIRLEY: I did it.
I did it.
Whoo! Good job, Shirley.
All right, perseverance, Frasier.
We'll get this.
Right, right.
Oh, would you take off those stupid goggles? - Well, I'm sorry, it's for safety.
- Nobody else wore them.
No one else wore them in gym class either.
But Tommy Fritz scratched his cornea, and then they were mandatory.
Give me that wrench.
Give me that wrench.
I'm telling you, I'm telling you, it's on too tight.
Here, I'll just try to loosen it up.
Whoa! Whoa! Remember, uh, spark plugs come out with a simple twist and pull.
Twist and pull.
Give it a try.
- Oh! - Okay, that's called stripping it.
Wow.
Good job, Frasier.
Here, let me strip one.
No, no.
Stripping it means breaking it.
Uh, watch me.
So you twist and then pull.
You see, I was twisting and pulling simultaneously, as per your instructions, twist and pull.
In the future, the phrase "twist then pull" might help.
Look, fellas, maybe that's enough for one night.
But why don't you come in a little early next week, and I'll try to get you caught up to everyone else? I got a feeling you guys are gonna be my special project.
Did you hear that, Frasier? We have to come in for tutoring.
We've become remedial students.
I know.
It's humiliating.
I thought we signed up for this class to avoid humiliation.
I guess we're just gonna have to roll up our shirtsleeves and see it through for the next eight weeks.
Of course we will.
- Although - I'm listening.
What do we actually accomplish by learning to change our own spark plugs? Oh, yes, of course, we acquire a new skill, but aren't we taking a job away from a qualified mechanic? Someone who may have a family to support.
Not to mention all the merchants who depend on his disposable income - for their livelihood.
- Yes, the human toll begins to mount.
- Society decays.
- Not if I have anything to say about it.
Niles.
I'm quitting.
If you care one jot about civilisation, you'll quit too.
Our duty is clear.
Do we have time for gelato? I think so, yes.
- There's my burly mechanic.
NILES: Ha-ha.
Hello, Daphne.
DAPHNE: Your ears must have been burning tonight.
I've been bragging about you on the phone to my mom.
I know I said you didn't have to take this auto class, but I rather like the idea of my man being able to rescue me by the roadside.
- You do? - Yeah.
It just shows me how much you care.
Well, um, next week, we're flushing radiators.
Niles.
Hey, Mr.
Goodwrench.
- Recognise this? - No.
Well, it's your grandpa's old toolbox.
He gave it to me when I was 18.
I think you're ready for it now.
Well, thanks, Dad, but I know it sounds kind of corny, but it meant a lot to me when my father gave that to me.
Every time I use it, I think of him.
And maybe every time you use it in class, you'll think of your old man and how proud he is.
Oh, gosh, Dad, I don't know what to say.
Well, maybe someday, you'll pass it on to your son.
But first maybe I'll remove the topless playing cards.
Your grandpa loved the nudies.
Yes, Martin, I'll be home in time to feed the puppy.
I said I would be home.
Okay, bye-bye.
Your dad is driving me nuts about this dog.
Roz, do you mind? We're trying to study.
Wow.
That reminds me of college.
Staying up all night before a big exam and wishing I'd studied instead.
Yes, as much as we'd love to relive those four months with you, our class begins shortly.
We're trying to learn last week's material.
Frasier, it's useless.
It's pointless, it's boring.
And, really, who cares? Wow, it sounds like you guys should just quit.
If only we could, Roz.
It's just that Dad and Daphne are proud of us, we can't let them down.
They've already bought mahogany frames so they can showcase our certificates of completion.
So complete it.
I mean, that doesn't mean you have to ace it.
Just sit there and nod your head a few times, and you're home free.
Are you suggesting we coast? We have never walked the back alleys of underachievement before.
Dare we? Oh! I felt a chill.
Come on, Eddie.
Get in on this.
Oh, what? You're too grown-up for the sock game? [KNOCKS.]
- Yeah, come in.
- Hey, Mart What the hell is going on? Well, you were late, so I brought Frankie here.
His name is Ariel, and I was 15 minutes late.
Well, that's almost two hours in doggie minutes.
Plus, you didn't put the top back on his worm medicine.
Plus, the water in his dish got dusty.
- I don't think this setup is working out.
- I'll say.
So it might be best if he lived here with me for a while.
- What? - Just until he grows up a little bit.
You know, they need a lot of attention at this age.
I asked you to help me, Martin, not take over.
You're acting like my mother.
Do you hear how she talks to me? After all I've done for her, and this is the thanks I get.
Give him to me.
I don't think you're in the right frame of mind.
- Give him to me.
- No.
Well, I'm leaving here with a dog one way or another.
- You wouldn't.
- Try me.
No, wait.
You first.
[ROZ MUMBLES.]
You're not holding him right.
Damn it, Martin, just because I'm not raising him your way doesn't mean I'm raising him the wrong way, so butt out.
All right.
Can I come and visit him once in a while? Do you think you can do it without criticising me? Yeah, I promise.
Okay, you can come visit.
- Bye, Frankie.
- Martin.
Ariel.
See you later, Martin.
Hey, that's my boy, yes.
Come on.
[EDDIE GROWLING.]
Uh, the brake pedal feels a little mushy.
What is the possible cause? Let's get someone new this time.
How about Frasier? What? What would cause a mushy feeling in the brakes? I don't know.
Niles? Uh, mush? It's caused by a leak in the brake line.
Good, Shirley.
Did everybody hear that? Her voice was kind of muffled.
What with her lips being pressed up against Randy's butt.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Guys, this is the last time I'm gonna tell you.
Keep it down, okay? A leak in the brake line is, uh, certainly a possible cause.
Ah.
Another culprit might be the wheel cylinder.
If the caps are brittle and cracked, you can develop a leak there too.
[FRASIER SNICKERING.]
Either case, the hydraulics Is that a funny note there? I enjoy funny things.
Why don't I share it with the class? Does anybody here read French? Anyone besides Frasier? [NILES AND FRASIER LAUGHING.]
Let me see you guys out in the hall.
CLASS: Ooh WOMAN: Busted.
And bring your books and tools.
Uh-oh.
We're in trouble now.
We're not in trouble, we are trouble.
- Please, please, don't throw us out.
- We'll shut up, we promise.
You've promised that four times tonight.
Sorry, you're gone.
- But what are we gonna tell our dad? - And my girlfriend? Maybe you should have thought of that before you started goofing off.
Okay, okay, so how does this work, Randy? You mail us our certificates of completion or what? Yeah.
Um, let me go get a pen and paper for your addresses.
Alrighty.
I'm starting to think he's not coming back.
Not only did we stink at auto class, we stunk at coasting through auto class.
We became back-row hooligans, Niles.
The very students we hated back in school.
I always thought they were just mean.
Now I realise they were simply acting out of frustration.
So when Billy Kriezel tried to stuff you into your locker after math class, he wasn't really mad at you.
He was mad at Pythagoras.
Which is ironic because a simple volume equation would have shown him I couldn't fit.
You know, we never should have lied to Dad and Daphne.
If we wanted to quit, we should have just quit.
Yes, it would have saved us a lot of embarrassment.
Well, that's the lesson here.
Never deny your true nature.
That's right.
Honesty.
This certificate look official enough? I think you've finally got it.
- Two, please.
- Yeah.