Weeds s08e11 Episode Script
God Willing and the Creek Don't Rise
Previously on Weeds Your foundation was granted a license to operate a facility for the homeless of this county.
Make room, everyone.
This is Monica.
- All right, who's next? - I'm from the future.
- I can't see very well.
What do I do? - Pull over! License and registration, please.
Andy: I made a horrible decision.
Hi.
I'm Jo.
I'm Andy's wife.
Didn't you date a rabbi? [ Sighing .]
Mm.
Yael.
Yael, Yael, Yael.
She was a rabbinical teacher.
The future is not in dispensaries.
I want to open something bright.
We offer one brand-- our brand-- like MILF, that you grow.
Can you still get your seedlings from the lab? - I was fired yesterday.
- Mm.
Not ideal.
Well, we'll go elsewhere.
Elsewhere? Little boxes on the hillside little boxes made of ticky-tacky little boxes on the hillside little boxes all the same there's a green one and a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one and they're all made out of ticky-tacky and they all look just the same and the people in the houses all went to the university where they were put in boxes and they came out all the same and there's doctors and there's lawyers and business executives and they're all made out of ticky-tacky and they all look just the same [ Panting .]
[ Children playing .]
[ Birds chirping .]
[ Knock on door .]
Hi.
I should have gone to Conrad's with her.
I'd have convinced him.
No, it's better she went alone, considering their history.
Is there anyone on this planet that woman has not slept with? Sorry.
No.
It's fine.
I'm completely onto other things-- Great things.
Joanna? Joanna.
Your wife.
Oh.
Her? No, no.
I'm talking about Yael.
Yael, at rabbinical school.
Yael of sharp tongue and eyebrows like the throwing blades of the Mossad.
[ Chuckles .]
That's why you tagged along-- to bone some ex-girlfriend? Not just "bone.
" I'm-a get her.
There's a reason that you need MILF seeds and Conrad moved to Agrestic.
It's all part of a bigger plan.
It's called Regrestic now.
Yes, it's a repressive, soulless, brown recluse-infested hellscape, but I was on a trajectory here, and I think there's a possibility that journey was taking me, cowed and limping, back to her-- back to Yael.
You're losing it.
Or maybe I'm finding it.
Do you guys have a restroom? And I'm thinking maybe your journey here wasn't finished, either.
Please.
Aside from my pot strain, there's nothing back here for me.
Hello? [ Taps desk .]
Excuse me.
See? Bigger plan.
Nancy: Here's Stevie.
He's at soccer camp.
- We think he might go pro next year.
- He's cute.
I don't have any MILF, okay? I don't have any MILF seeds.
- I don't have any MILF cuttings.
- And I don't believe you.
I've been out of the game for years.
You could have saved yourself a trip.
I know you worked for Heylia until a year ago.
- And I know you.
- No, thing-- Yes, no.
Things have changed.
I'm in the health game now.
- Health game? - That's right.
Juice cleanses.
Got a hook-up with an organic fruit farm out in Temecula.
Profit margins are unbelievable.
I want you to grow for me.
We've got this classic detox, right? It's basically cayenne and aloe vera.
Grow for me.
Or the root program.
Now, the root program's easy.
All it is is carrots, beets, added chlorophyll.
We were good together.
Yes, listen.
Here's the funny thing, okay? The liver does an incredible job of eliminating toxins so basically these women are paying me $300 to deliver wishes to their house every morning.
You have some, don't you? Seeds.
It didn't matter.
Even if I did, what would I-- No, no, no! Because-- No, listen! I am done with grow-houses.
I'm not making that mistake again! You let me worry about where.
- Don't worry about shit! - I am not-- No! - I'm not listening to you.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Aah! Nancy! Uh, hi, Pam.
Where have you been?! I haven't seen you in at least a year.
Oh, uh Maybe a little longer than that.
Oh, sorry, memory's fuzzy from the shock treatments.
Good news-- The sex addiction is gone.
You and Celia are so cliquey, I never see you anymore.
Are you coming to the wedding? - What wedding? Alison: - There you are.
You have to write checks to the caterer, the cake lady-- Hi.
Are you the harpist? Excuse me, Mr.
Conrad, they need to measure your inseam.
No problem, Lupita.
I'll be-- Aah! La bruja! My wedding.
Alison: Our wedding.
Driving a known drug vehicle with a busted windshield? I was just trying to impress my girlfriend.
We know about the scam at the impound lot! I don't know anything about a scam.
We have the names.
Testify-- Incident expunged.
Or you take the auto-theft charge and you do some time.
I've seen your file, Botwin.
You could be a star on the force.
Just gonna throw it away? For what? Ouellette? He's a crooked, alcoholic, walking arterial blockage who does not give a shit about you.
You have 48 hours.
Mm.
I'm experiencing the most powerful déjà vu.
It's like you and I were frozen, loaded onto a UFO, flown to the Earth's distant twin planet, and reanimated for this moment.
And nothing's different except this planet rotates west to east, the atmosphere has a little more argon than we're used to, and you have bangs now.
I'm sorry.
Do you have a child in Hebrew school? [ Chuckling .]
No.
No, I don't have I don't have a child.
Yael, don't you remember me? It's me, Andy Botwin.
No.
I'm sorry.
His name is Lars Guin-- Guinard.
He drives hot rods, plays guitar.
Fucking dumb as a bag of rocks.
[ Chuckles .]
Your mom should be locked up.
Oh, she was.
[ Chuckles .]
So, how did you end up back here? I was living in New York after school.
I had the smallest apartment and broke, smelly boyfriend, but I loved it.
Then my dad got sick.
I'm sorry.
[ Sighs .]
You know, when-- when you left-- vanished-- I I think I remember the sign.
I was heartbroken.
My parents wanted me away from you.
I poked holes in our condoms.
That's why you got pregnant.
I-I was desperate.
I didn't want you to go to Princeton and leave me here.
Megan, I'm-- I'm so sorry.
What the fuck?! I know.
I know.
But I loved you and And I loved you.
I just loved you.
I loved you.
You are the only girl I ever loved.
Still, to this day.
Holy shit.
I've never loved anyone else, never even came close.
Fuck.
[ Breathing heavily .]
[ Sighs .]
Do you still-- still love me? C-could you? Is that ridiculous? No.
It's not ridiculous.
[ Sighs .]
Fuck.
[ Sighs .]
What do we do now? Ahh, ahh ahh, ahh, ahh-ahh-ahh ahh, ahh, ahh Wow! Where'd you learn to break like that? Our robot Butler taught me.
Oh, right, right.
Because you're from the future.
[ Scoffs .]
- Ow! - You okay, Doug? I don't think my family loves me.
Your wife and kids? Of course they love you.
No, fuck those guys.
My son's an ass bandit.
My wife married the grandpa from "Cosby.
" And my daughters think I'm dog shit.
I'm talking about my real-life family-- The Botwins.
[ Grunts .]
I bought them this house, and they always exclude me, make me babysit.
Speaking of which, if you see a little Mexican kid in a soccer jersey running around, give a shout-out.
Where are they now? Took off on a vacation.
Didn't even tell me.
Don't worry, Doug.
Everything gets better for you.
What are you talking about? Soon, you become a very great man.
Man: Ow! Waltz positions, everybody.
So, what are you doing here? Alison likes the 'burbs.
Prices were low after the fire, and, well, I had a few fond memories of the place.
I bought you something.
It's 5 acres.
Good soil.
Plus, I've enrolled you in the Southwest Compassionate Collective, so you're legal.
You bought a piece of land? MILF is gonna grow here, Conrad.
- You're gonna make it grow.
- That's lovely.
Wow, you got it all figured out.
One small detail.
You can't grow in these valleys.
It's all owned.
I bought it.
Owned, as in territory.
Gangs.
You have to pay them a tax.
That's if they even okay it.
So I'll go talk to them.
No, you won't.
'Cause guess who's back in charge.
He's out? You're sure? Oh, yeah.
It's 2006 all up in this bitch.
They're running with the same crew, so if I was you, I'd work on that getting-out-of-town-now thing.
I look forward to a photo.
Be safe.
Your tuition check bounced.
God damn it! This fucking wedding is killing me.
Do not go to Guillermo.
[ Train whistle owing .]
- Choo-Choo! - Choo-Choo! [ Laughing .]
Yeah! Nancy: Choo-Choo! Hey.
[ Chuckles .]
Whose birthday are we celebrating? Or is it, um A quinceañera? You got to admit, you guys really like picnics so sometimes it's kind of hard to identify the specific occasion.
Actually, this one's gonna be a funeral.
Be nice.
We're in public.
Ya, bajense todos.
Vamonos.
Let's go.
Let's go.
You know, I don't get it.
Murder, kidnapping How did you get out? I hired me the lawyer that got Jerry Seinfeld's wife off for stealing that cookbook idea.
Oh, sorry-- "Allegedly.
" Yeah.
You did what you needed to do to get out.
I never ratted.
They forgot to read me my Miranda rights.
They got the color of the car we were driving wrong.
Evidence was tainted.
Whatever.
Well, you're out now.
Back on top.
- Right where you used to be.
- Yeah, that's right.
I got me a reboot, like the new "Hobbit" movie.
"The Hobbit" isn't a reboot.
"Spiderman's" a reboot.
"The Hulk" is a reboot.
Which Hulk? There's two-- or three, counting "The Avengers.
" Get the fuck off my train! You shouldn't have come back.
I told you, you don't belong here.
I'm getting back in the business.
I need your blessing.
You don't have it.
You don't have shit from me, other than mild curiosity and-- Begrudging admiration? An undying desire to majorly fuck you up.
Aww.
Stop, Guillermo.
Reboot.
This is business.
No, blanca.
This is personal.
[ Cellphone rings .]
Oye.
Take her somewhere private.
I got to take this.
[ Cellphone beeps .]
Man: Let's go.
[ Knock on door .]
Hey, you made it.
Come on in.
I got you an orange cranberry scone, but I got hungry.
How you doing? Been better.
Why? Is everything okay at home? I told you, I got pinched.
Listen to this guy.
[ Horn honking .]
So dramatic.
Here, I got you something.
Signed by Mel Stottlemyre himself.
I ate my first piece of snatch wearing that glove.
They want me to rat.
What are you talking about? The impound yard.
You mean the one which you stole a car from? Borrowed a car, which you were gonna sell and disappear from the registry.
You know what I'm talking about.
Here's all I know-- You call me in a panic.
I go out, I get you a scone, I get you a nice, fucking meaningful gift because you did something so colossally fucking stupid that you can't get on the force now.
Then I figure you need a little bit of a pick-me-up because it's got to be a goddamn daunting thing to fucking reconsider your entire fucking life trajectory! - Mitch-- - Shut the fuck up, Botwin! I saved you.
You know what that means? Do the right fucking thing.
Listen, everybody! I have seen what's inside this building! I want you to stop, turn around, and walk away! There's nothing inside, for we are dying meat! We're meat, and we're un-special, and no one remembers us, and we're utterly alone! So do yourself a favor and walk away! There's no plan! There's nothing but randomness and chaos and entropy and a slow, certain decomposition of everything you are and everyone you've ever loved into their tiny, friendless, meaty little components.
Hey, did you get that, man?! I'm really serious.
[ Horn honks .]
How'd you find me? Went to your old house.
You were leaving.
I followed.
Shame.
I was looking forward to one of your old barbecues-- Burnt meat and tecate.
I never burn my meat.
Oh, it's okay.
Happens to every guy now and again.
You're under the impression you could just make a joke, smile, do a brick dance, and somehow, what-- Everything becomes okay? Worked for me so far.
Nah.
We older.
Death is closer.
We're gonna work together again.
You miscalculated, blanca.
You still think of us as the old Nancy and the old Guillermo.
Those two poor fuckers are so innocent.
They don't know that they got ahead of them.
Ah.
They got no idea what's coming.
[ Gun cocks .]
Man, put down the gun, cocolo.
No, no, no, you put down the gun, or I will blow this motherfucker's head clear to Glendale.
Guillermo, Guillermo, I've seen the future.
The future is in legalized pot.
You think the Chinese, the Vietnamese gangs are tough? Corporations are the biggest thugs you've ever seen.
I'm offering you an in.
You let us grow here, I make you a shareholder.
Ground floor.
Forget Guillermo Garcia Gomez, criminal.
Now it's Guillermo Garcia Gomez, board member.
You get a foothold in on the East Coast and not with Tres Seis-- You'll get in right.
Money so clean you could-- you could see through it.
So, what, are you guys like boyfriend and girlfriend again? We were never boyfriend and girlfriend.
Well, we-- No, we did it, like, what-- One time? - Twice.
- Twice? When was the second time? Ah, must not have made an impression, then.
[ Train whistle blowing .]
So what's it gonna be? Are you gonna stay here, this low-level gangster shit? You gonna come into the future, with us? Mm, listen, everybody-- No group therapy tonight For I have good news.
A prophet came unto me-- came from the future.
He told me that I would be a leader of men.
Right away, I knew that future Doug probably figured out some kind of scam.
So I was up all last night reading tax code, and did you know an even better shelter for government tit-money than a charity is religion.
- This is bullshit.
I'm out of here.
Woman: - Yeah.
You see? Every religion begins with a betrayal.
So, like, at first, I'm all, "free money.
" But then I remembered that God actually did touch me.
A few years ago, these asshole Mexicans dumped me into a grave.
I prayed to God, and a phone call saved me! So, go on, Rudy! Go back to pooping in a garbage can and having your nam flashbacks.
Or stay here with me.
Get in on the ground floor of this thing.
Who knows? This could turn out to be a big hunk of bullshit.
But it'll be our hunk of bullshit.
That's right, y'all.
This is gonna be the most awesomest fucking cult-- I mean religion-- in the world, for finally, Doug Wilson is a great man! Now, everyone, it's time for sacraments.
[ All murmuring .]
Doug You know I'm not really from the future.
I just have borderline personality disorder.
Shut the fuck up, Greg.
Sit down.
That's right-- breathe it in.
Take it in, hold it.
Hold in Doug Wilson.
Let him live inside you.
[ Inhales deeply .]
The idea of being a cop is maybe the only thing I've ever loved including people.
Why would I give that up for some piece of garbage who-- you're right-- doesn't give a crap about me? Crowley: Good choice, kid.
Now, who brought you in on the impound-yard scam? That said, you guys are fucking assholes! I don't think I want to be part of a force who pays cowards like you to get in the way of actual cops doing an actual job.
The fuck are you doing in here?! What, you fucking came at me?! [ Laughing .]
What the fuck was that?! [ Laughter .]
I was in character! What the fuck is going on? Well, I got to tell you, for a second there, I said, "Oh, shit.
He's gonna start singing like Melissa fucking Manchester.
" But you didn't, you beautiful little son of a bitch.
- Mwah! - This is all a setup? You guys aren't Internal Affairs? No! Zapf works mail fraud.
Crowley's a fucking meter maid.
You did get fucking pulled over 'cause you're a dumb fuck, but that disappeared.
Fuck you, Mitch! I almost split town! So you got a little fucking scared.
You're gonna get scared a lot on this fucking job, okay? I had to figure out what was gonna win out in you-- Whether it was gonna be fear or fucking loyalty-- And maybe break your balls a little bit along the way, you fucking car thief.
No more of that now.
[ Laughing .]
So, you want this or what? [ Dance music playing .]
[ Indistinct conversations .]
Nancy: Can I get a drink? Excuse me.
Miss Nancy.
I'm so sorry about before.
This is my new husband, Federico.
Oh, hello.
_ _ Listen, can you e-mail me a recommendation? Because Courtney Cox needs a new domestic for her house in Ojai.
No problem.
Excuse me.
Um, could I-- Oh, could I get a-- Mom.
Hi, Mrs.
Botwin.
Megan-- Holy shit! Hi! Wow! [ Chuckling .]
Wow.
How did this happen? I don't know.
But it's happening.
She's gonna come back with us.
Wow.
That's, um perfect somehow.
Um wow.
And here-- seeds.
What's that? Our future.
Fuck it.
[ Cork pops .]
[ Chuckles .]
Mm.
Thanks.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
And thank you for the advance.
At least now I can pay off some of these fucking vultures.
So you really got this-- this thing, whatever it is we're doing-- You really-- you really got it figured out? God willing and the creek don't rise.
In my experience, the creek She always rises.
Maybe we'll get lucky this time.
[ Chuckles .]
Thank you.
Ahh.
You want to get out of here? Have you taken me to the spot where Judah died? I avoided driving down this street for three years.
And it's a direct shot to, like, everything.
Oh, my God.
This is so dark.
His CD player was right there.
I don't think I ever got it back.
Do you think these guys took it? Should we knock? "Excuse me.
My husband died in front of your house a decade ago, and I'm pretty sure you took his discman.
" Oh, God.
This is it.
What? I told myself I was coming to help you out with the kids.
But the truth is, Nance, I was in the wilderness.
I-I-I was nowhere.
We all were.
Except I still am.
What are you saying? You are so, so, so, so bad for me.
Stop.
You always say this.
I once asked you to release me.
But you wouldn't, and so I followed you home yet again, - and you knew I fucking would.
- Ow, ow.
- Shut up.
- And I always would.
Shut up.
You're freaking me out.
- Fuck! - Shut up! I'm not going back to Connecticut with you.
I'm done.
[ Scoffs .]
No.
All I wanted was you.
You were all I wanted.
And you never wanted me.
Yeah.
This is how it happens.
- I leave now.
- What? Please say goodbye to No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Come on.
Wait.
No.
Don't leave me.
[ Clears throat .]
Shh, shh, shh.
[ Both moaning .]
Oh.
[ Chuckles .]
Fuck, yeah.
[ Both grunting .]
[ Both panting .]
[ Panting .]
Wow.
Don't.
No, no, wait, wait.
No.
Andy! [ Gasping .]
Andy! [ Crying .]
[ Dogs barking in distance .]
Life goes on gets more complicated roads diverge I love you so much.
For eight seasons we've welcomed the Botwins into our homes and into our hearts.
And after 100 episodes, they never learned a single solitary thing.
_ Is Andy coming back? Will Nancy choose Andy or the rabbi? Will Silas wind up with Megan? Will Shane wind up with Ouellette? Will Doug find religion? Will Guillermo find vengeance? How could Nancy go legit? And will the show that's always left you guessing finally leave you satisfied? Legendary! It's the one you've been waiting for.
The one you'll never forget.
Make room, everyone.
This is Monica.
- All right, who's next? - I'm from the future.
- I can't see very well.
What do I do? - Pull over! License and registration, please.
Andy: I made a horrible decision.
Hi.
I'm Jo.
I'm Andy's wife.
Didn't you date a rabbi? [ Sighing .]
Mm.
Yael.
Yael, Yael, Yael.
She was a rabbinical teacher.
The future is not in dispensaries.
I want to open something bright.
We offer one brand-- our brand-- like MILF, that you grow.
Can you still get your seedlings from the lab? - I was fired yesterday.
- Mm.
Not ideal.
Well, we'll go elsewhere.
Elsewhere? Little boxes on the hillside little boxes made of ticky-tacky little boxes on the hillside little boxes all the same there's a green one and a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one and they're all made out of ticky-tacky and they all look just the same and the people in the houses all went to the university where they were put in boxes and they came out all the same and there's doctors and there's lawyers and business executives and they're all made out of ticky-tacky and they all look just the same [ Panting .]
[ Children playing .]
[ Birds chirping .]
[ Knock on door .]
Hi.
I should have gone to Conrad's with her.
I'd have convinced him.
No, it's better she went alone, considering their history.
Is there anyone on this planet that woman has not slept with? Sorry.
No.
It's fine.
I'm completely onto other things-- Great things.
Joanna? Joanna.
Your wife.
Oh.
Her? No, no.
I'm talking about Yael.
Yael, at rabbinical school.
Yael of sharp tongue and eyebrows like the throwing blades of the Mossad.
[ Chuckles .]
That's why you tagged along-- to bone some ex-girlfriend? Not just "bone.
" I'm-a get her.
There's a reason that you need MILF seeds and Conrad moved to Agrestic.
It's all part of a bigger plan.
It's called Regrestic now.
Yes, it's a repressive, soulless, brown recluse-infested hellscape, but I was on a trajectory here, and I think there's a possibility that journey was taking me, cowed and limping, back to her-- back to Yael.
You're losing it.
Or maybe I'm finding it.
Do you guys have a restroom? And I'm thinking maybe your journey here wasn't finished, either.
Please.
Aside from my pot strain, there's nothing back here for me.
Hello? [ Taps desk .]
Excuse me.
See? Bigger plan.
Nancy: Here's Stevie.
He's at soccer camp.
- We think he might go pro next year.
- He's cute.
I don't have any MILF, okay? I don't have any MILF seeds.
- I don't have any MILF cuttings.
- And I don't believe you.
I've been out of the game for years.
You could have saved yourself a trip.
I know you worked for Heylia until a year ago.
- And I know you.
- No, thing-- Yes, no.
Things have changed.
I'm in the health game now.
- Health game? - That's right.
Juice cleanses.
Got a hook-up with an organic fruit farm out in Temecula.
Profit margins are unbelievable.
I want you to grow for me.
We've got this classic detox, right? It's basically cayenne and aloe vera.
Grow for me.
Or the root program.
Now, the root program's easy.
All it is is carrots, beets, added chlorophyll.
We were good together.
Yes, listen.
Here's the funny thing, okay? The liver does an incredible job of eliminating toxins so basically these women are paying me $300 to deliver wishes to their house every morning.
You have some, don't you? Seeds.
It didn't matter.
Even if I did, what would I-- No, no, no! Because-- No, listen! I am done with grow-houses.
I'm not making that mistake again! You let me worry about where.
- Don't worry about shit! - I am not-- No! - I'm not listening to you.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Aah! Nancy! Uh, hi, Pam.
Where have you been?! I haven't seen you in at least a year.
Oh, uh Maybe a little longer than that.
Oh, sorry, memory's fuzzy from the shock treatments.
Good news-- The sex addiction is gone.
You and Celia are so cliquey, I never see you anymore.
Are you coming to the wedding? - What wedding? Alison: - There you are.
You have to write checks to the caterer, the cake lady-- Hi.
Are you the harpist? Excuse me, Mr.
Conrad, they need to measure your inseam.
No problem, Lupita.
I'll be-- Aah! La bruja! My wedding.
Alison: Our wedding.
Driving a known drug vehicle with a busted windshield? I was just trying to impress my girlfriend.
We know about the scam at the impound lot! I don't know anything about a scam.
We have the names.
Testify-- Incident expunged.
Or you take the auto-theft charge and you do some time.
I've seen your file, Botwin.
You could be a star on the force.
Just gonna throw it away? For what? Ouellette? He's a crooked, alcoholic, walking arterial blockage who does not give a shit about you.
You have 48 hours.
Mm.
I'm experiencing the most powerful déjà vu.
It's like you and I were frozen, loaded onto a UFO, flown to the Earth's distant twin planet, and reanimated for this moment.
And nothing's different except this planet rotates west to east, the atmosphere has a little more argon than we're used to, and you have bangs now.
I'm sorry.
Do you have a child in Hebrew school? [ Chuckling .]
No.
No, I don't have I don't have a child.
Yael, don't you remember me? It's me, Andy Botwin.
No.
I'm sorry.
His name is Lars Guin-- Guinard.
He drives hot rods, plays guitar.
Fucking dumb as a bag of rocks.
[ Chuckles .]
Your mom should be locked up.
Oh, she was.
[ Chuckles .]
So, how did you end up back here? I was living in New York after school.
I had the smallest apartment and broke, smelly boyfriend, but I loved it.
Then my dad got sick.
I'm sorry.
[ Sighs .]
You know, when-- when you left-- vanished-- I I think I remember the sign.
I was heartbroken.
My parents wanted me away from you.
I poked holes in our condoms.
That's why you got pregnant.
I-I was desperate.
I didn't want you to go to Princeton and leave me here.
Megan, I'm-- I'm so sorry.
What the fuck?! I know.
I know.
But I loved you and And I loved you.
I just loved you.
I loved you.
You are the only girl I ever loved.
Still, to this day.
Holy shit.
I've never loved anyone else, never even came close.
Fuck.
[ Breathing heavily .]
[ Sighs .]
Do you still-- still love me? C-could you? Is that ridiculous? No.
It's not ridiculous.
[ Sighs .]
Fuck.
[ Sighs .]
What do we do now? Ahh, ahh ahh, ahh, ahh-ahh-ahh ahh, ahh, ahh Wow! Where'd you learn to break like that? Our robot Butler taught me.
Oh, right, right.
Because you're from the future.
[ Scoffs .]
- Ow! - You okay, Doug? I don't think my family loves me.
Your wife and kids? Of course they love you.
No, fuck those guys.
My son's an ass bandit.
My wife married the grandpa from "Cosby.
" And my daughters think I'm dog shit.
I'm talking about my real-life family-- The Botwins.
[ Grunts .]
I bought them this house, and they always exclude me, make me babysit.
Speaking of which, if you see a little Mexican kid in a soccer jersey running around, give a shout-out.
Where are they now? Took off on a vacation.
Didn't even tell me.
Don't worry, Doug.
Everything gets better for you.
What are you talking about? Soon, you become a very great man.
Man: Ow! Waltz positions, everybody.
So, what are you doing here? Alison likes the 'burbs.
Prices were low after the fire, and, well, I had a few fond memories of the place.
I bought you something.
It's 5 acres.
Good soil.
Plus, I've enrolled you in the Southwest Compassionate Collective, so you're legal.
You bought a piece of land? MILF is gonna grow here, Conrad.
- You're gonna make it grow.
- That's lovely.
Wow, you got it all figured out.
One small detail.
You can't grow in these valleys.
It's all owned.
I bought it.
Owned, as in territory.
Gangs.
You have to pay them a tax.
That's if they even okay it.
So I'll go talk to them.
No, you won't.
'Cause guess who's back in charge.
He's out? You're sure? Oh, yeah.
It's 2006 all up in this bitch.
They're running with the same crew, so if I was you, I'd work on that getting-out-of-town-now thing.
I look forward to a photo.
Be safe.
Your tuition check bounced.
God damn it! This fucking wedding is killing me.
Do not go to Guillermo.
[ Train whistle owing .]
- Choo-Choo! - Choo-Choo! [ Laughing .]
Yeah! Nancy: Choo-Choo! Hey.
[ Chuckles .]
Whose birthday are we celebrating? Or is it, um A quinceañera? You got to admit, you guys really like picnics so sometimes it's kind of hard to identify the specific occasion.
Actually, this one's gonna be a funeral.
Be nice.
We're in public.
Ya, bajense todos.
Vamonos.
Let's go.
Let's go.
You know, I don't get it.
Murder, kidnapping How did you get out? I hired me the lawyer that got Jerry Seinfeld's wife off for stealing that cookbook idea.
Oh, sorry-- "Allegedly.
" Yeah.
You did what you needed to do to get out.
I never ratted.
They forgot to read me my Miranda rights.
They got the color of the car we were driving wrong.
Evidence was tainted.
Whatever.
Well, you're out now.
Back on top.
- Right where you used to be.
- Yeah, that's right.
I got me a reboot, like the new "Hobbit" movie.
"The Hobbit" isn't a reboot.
"Spiderman's" a reboot.
"The Hulk" is a reboot.
Which Hulk? There's two-- or three, counting "The Avengers.
" Get the fuck off my train! You shouldn't have come back.
I told you, you don't belong here.
I'm getting back in the business.
I need your blessing.
You don't have it.
You don't have shit from me, other than mild curiosity and-- Begrudging admiration? An undying desire to majorly fuck you up.
Aww.
Stop, Guillermo.
Reboot.
This is business.
No, blanca.
This is personal.
[ Cellphone rings .]
Oye.
Take her somewhere private.
I got to take this.
[ Cellphone beeps .]
Man: Let's go.
[ Knock on door .]
Hey, you made it.
Come on in.
I got you an orange cranberry scone, but I got hungry.
How you doing? Been better.
Why? Is everything okay at home? I told you, I got pinched.
Listen to this guy.
[ Horn honking .]
So dramatic.
Here, I got you something.
Signed by Mel Stottlemyre himself.
I ate my first piece of snatch wearing that glove.
They want me to rat.
What are you talking about? The impound yard.
You mean the one which you stole a car from? Borrowed a car, which you were gonna sell and disappear from the registry.
You know what I'm talking about.
Here's all I know-- You call me in a panic.
I go out, I get you a scone, I get you a nice, fucking meaningful gift because you did something so colossally fucking stupid that you can't get on the force now.
Then I figure you need a little bit of a pick-me-up because it's got to be a goddamn daunting thing to fucking reconsider your entire fucking life trajectory! - Mitch-- - Shut the fuck up, Botwin! I saved you.
You know what that means? Do the right fucking thing.
Listen, everybody! I have seen what's inside this building! I want you to stop, turn around, and walk away! There's nothing inside, for we are dying meat! We're meat, and we're un-special, and no one remembers us, and we're utterly alone! So do yourself a favor and walk away! There's no plan! There's nothing but randomness and chaos and entropy and a slow, certain decomposition of everything you are and everyone you've ever loved into their tiny, friendless, meaty little components.
Hey, did you get that, man?! I'm really serious.
[ Horn honks .]
How'd you find me? Went to your old house.
You were leaving.
I followed.
Shame.
I was looking forward to one of your old barbecues-- Burnt meat and tecate.
I never burn my meat.
Oh, it's okay.
Happens to every guy now and again.
You're under the impression you could just make a joke, smile, do a brick dance, and somehow, what-- Everything becomes okay? Worked for me so far.
Nah.
We older.
Death is closer.
We're gonna work together again.
You miscalculated, blanca.
You still think of us as the old Nancy and the old Guillermo.
Those two poor fuckers are so innocent.
They don't know that they got ahead of them.
Ah.
They got no idea what's coming.
[ Gun cocks .]
Man, put down the gun, cocolo.
No, no, no, you put down the gun, or I will blow this motherfucker's head clear to Glendale.
Guillermo, Guillermo, I've seen the future.
The future is in legalized pot.
You think the Chinese, the Vietnamese gangs are tough? Corporations are the biggest thugs you've ever seen.
I'm offering you an in.
You let us grow here, I make you a shareholder.
Ground floor.
Forget Guillermo Garcia Gomez, criminal.
Now it's Guillermo Garcia Gomez, board member.
You get a foothold in on the East Coast and not with Tres Seis-- You'll get in right.
Money so clean you could-- you could see through it.
So, what, are you guys like boyfriend and girlfriend again? We were never boyfriend and girlfriend.
Well, we-- No, we did it, like, what-- One time? - Twice.
- Twice? When was the second time? Ah, must not have made an impression, then.
[ Train whistle blowing .]
So what's it gonna be? Are you gonna stay here, this low-level gangster shit? You gonna come into the future, with us? Mm, listen, everybody-- No group therapy tonight For I have good news.
A prophet came unto me-- came from the future.
He told me that I would be a leader of men.
Right away, I knew that future Doug probably figured out some kind of scam.
So I was up all last night reading tax code, and did you know an even better shelter for government tit-money than a charity is religion.
- This is bullshit.
I'm out of here.
Woman: - Yeah.
You see? Every religion begins with a betrayal.
So, like, at first, I'm all, "free money.
" But then I remembered that God actually did touch me.
A few years ago, these asshole Mexicans dumped me into a grave.
I prayed to God, and a phone call saved me! So, go on, Rudy! Go back to pooping in a garbage can and having your nam flashbacks.
Or stay here with me.
Get in on the ground floor of this thing.
Who knows? This could turn out to be a big hunk of bullshit.
But it'll be our hunk of bullshit.
That's right, y'all.
This is gonna be the most awesomest fucking cult-- I mean religion-- in the world, for finally, Doug Wilson is a great man! Now, everyone, it's time for sacraments.
[ All murmuring .]
Doug You know I'm not really from the future.
I just have borderline personality disorder.
Shut the fuck up, Greg.
Sit down.
That's right-- breathe it in.
Take it in, hold it.
Hold in Doug Wilson.
Let him live inside you.
[ Inhales deeply .]
The idea of being a cop is maybe the only thing I've ever loved including people.
Why would I give that up for some piece of garbage who-- you're right-- doesn't give a crap about me? Crowley: Good choice, kid.
Now, who brought you in on the impound-yard scam? That said, you guys are fucking assholes! I don't think I want to be part of a force who pays cowards like you to get in the way of actual cops doing an actual job.
The fuck are you doing in here?! What, you fucking came at me?! [ Laughing .]
What the fuck was that?! [ Laughter .]
I was in character! What the fuck is going on? Well, I got to tell you, for a second there, I said, "Oh, shit.
He's gonna start singing like Melissa fucking Manchester.
" But you didn't, you beautiful little son of a bitch.
- Mwah! - This is all a setup? You guys aren't Internal Affairs? No! Zapf works mail fraud.
Crowley's a fucking meter maid.
You did get fucking pulled over 'cause you're a dumb fuck, but that disappeared.
Fuck you, Mitch! I almost split town! So you got a little fucking scared.
You're gonna get scared a lot on this fucking job, okay? I had to figure out what was gonna win out in you-- Whether it was gonna be fear or fucking loyalty-- And maybe break your balls a little bit along the way, you fucking car thief.
No more of that now.
[ Laughing .]
So, you want this or what? [ Dance music playing .]
[ Indistinct conversations .]
Nancy: Can I get a drink? Excuse me.
Miss Nancy.
I'm so sorry about before.
This is my new husband, Federico.
Oh, hello.
_ _ Listen, can you e-mail me a recommendation? Because Courtney Cox needs a new domestic for her house in Ojai.
No problem.
Excuse me.
Um, could I-- Oh, could I get a-- Mom.
Hi, Mrs.
Botwin.
Megan-- Holy shit! Hi! Wow! [ Chuckling .]
Wow.
How did this happen? I don't know.
But it's happening.
She's gonna come back with us.
Wow.
That's, um perfect somehow.
Um wow.
And here-- seeds.
What's that? Our future.
Fuck it.
[ Cork pops .]
[ Chuckles .]
Mm.
Thanks.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
And thank you for the advance.
At least now I can pay off some of these fucking vultures.
So you really got this-- this thing, whatever it is we're doing-- You really-- you really got it figured out? God willing and the creek don't rise.
In my experience, the creek She always rises.
Maybe we'll get lucky this time.
[ Chuckles .]
Thank you.
Ahh.
You want to get out of here? Have you taken me to the spot where Judah died? I avoided driving down this street for three years.
And it's a direct shot to, like, everything.
Oh, my God.
This is so dark.
His CD player was right there.
I don't think I ever got it back.
Do you think these guys took it? Should we knock? "Excuse me.
My husband died in front of your house a decade ago, and I'm pretty sure you took his discman.
" Oh, God.
This is it.
What? I told myself I was coming to help you out with the kids.
But the truth is, Nance, I was in the wilderness.
I-I-I was nowhere.
We all were.
Except I still am.
What are you saying? You are so, so, so, so bad for me.
Stop.
You always say this.
I once asked you to release me.
But you wouldn't, and so I followed you home yet again, - and you knew I fucking would.
- Ow, ow.
- Shut up.
- And I always would.
Shut up.
You're freaking me out.
- Fuck! - Shut up! I'm not going back to Connecticut with you.
I'm done.
[ Scoffs .]
No.
All I wanted was you.
You were all I wanted.
And you never wanted me.
Yeah.
This is how it happens.
- I leave now.
- What? Please say goodbye to No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Come on.
Wait.
No.
Don't leave me.
[ Clears throat .]
Shh, shh, shh.
[ Both moaning .]
Oh.
[ Chuckles .]
Fuck, yeah.
[ Both grunting .]
[ Both panting .]
[ Panting .]
Wow.
Don't.
No, no, wait, wait.
No.
Andy! [ Gasping .]
Andy! [ Crying .]
[ Dogs barking in distance .]
Life goes on gets more complicated roads diverge I love you so much.
For eight seasons we've welcomed the Botwins into our homes and into our hearts.
And after 100 episodes, they never learned a single solitary thing.
_ Is Andy coming back? Will Nancy choose Andy or the rabbi? Will Silas wind up with Megan? Will Shane wind up with Ouellette? Will Doug find religion? Will Guillermo find vengeance? How could Nancy go legit? And will the show that's always left you guessing finally leave you satisfied? Legendary! It's the one you've been waiting for.
The one you'll never forget.