Bob's Burgers s08e13 Episode Script

1 (panting) Why does physical education class have to be so physical? I hate running.
It gives me wedgies.
(grunts) Oh, it's up there so bad right now.
Hey, Gene, Alex.
Pick up the pace.
Less jib-jab, more jog-jog.
Oh, hey, let's just lay down and pretend we're dead.
No, no, no, that doesn't work.
We need to almost throw up.
He hates vomit.
Watch.
(retching) Oh, no.
Oh-oh, God.
Oh, gross, gross, gross.
- (quietly): You do it, too.
- (retching) (both retching) All right, all right.
You two, take a breather.
Go sit on the side.
Wow, that worked really well.
- Hey I'm gonna try that in math class.
- Yeah.
Do it.
You know, we don't really hang out that much outside of P.
E.
We could do lunch.
I know a place.
It's the cafeteria.
Or, do you want to sleep over at my house tonight? Oh, sleepover? Sleep over.
Uh, I I guess I'm, uh Hmm - Did you just say yes? - Did I? Yeah S-Sure, yeah.
- Great.
- G-Great! Damn it.
LOUISE: You told Alex you'd sleep over at his house? Yes.
No.
Sort of.
Wow.
That's a big step from the last time you got invited to a sleepover, and you asked if we could move away for just one night - so you wouldn't have to go.
- (groans) I don't want to go, but I feel like I should.
I'm the only kid in my grade who hasn't done a sleepover.
Maybe it's time to try it.
Even if the thought of it gives me inside hives, and a tummy full of (mumbles) Gene, as someone who's been invited to many sleepovers - One.
- One.
I can tell you that there's nothing to be scared of.
- They're fun.
- But what if I miss my bed? And who's gonna give me good night kisses? And what if his mom doesn't know the bedtime story of Genie Wienie the Baby Beanie who came out of mom's tummy and became a perfect boy? - Listen.
Here's what's gonna happen.
- Mm-hmm? TINA: You'll have dinner with Alex's family.
GENE: Mm-hmm.
TINA: If you're lucky, watch a movie, maybe even PG-13.
- GENE: Mm.
- TINA: Then, at night, you'll brush your teeth with weird toothpaste - that you've never seen before.
- GENE: Mmm.
TINA: And after his parents say good night, that's when the real fun begins.
Flashlights come out, you gossip, talk about boys, raid the fridge for a midnight snack GENE: I do like midnight snacks.
LOUISE: And they love you.
TINA: And before you know it, it's morning.
I guess I can handle that.
Do you think I can call mom and keep her on the phone with me the whole time? She'd probably do that.
LOUISE: She would totally do that.
GENE: Hmm.
You think he'd let me invite Mom? LOUISE: I think if you say her name three times, she'll appear anywhere.
(yawns) You want more coffee, Teddy? Sounds like you need some more coffee, Lin.
Yeah, it's true.
Bob kept waking me up last night with his snoring.
What? Me? Y-You're the one who's always waking me up with your snoring.
Oh, please.
You sound like someone's shoving a lawnmower down a garbage disposal.
Oh, okay.
Does this sound familiar? "Lin, wake up.
You're snoring.
" - Because that's what I do every night.
-(scoffs) When I was married, Denise made me wear an anti-snoring thing.
It was like a big bite plate that you put in your mouth when you sleep.
She also made me sit in the car by myself whenever we ate.
Eh - Hmm.
- Bob, you should wear that bite plate thingy.
- You should.
- How about this We have a bet, and whoever snores the most has to wear it.
Fine.
But how do we figure out who snores the most? I can come over and watch you guys while you sleep.
- LINDA: No.
No, thanks, Teddy.
- No.
No, that shouldn't happen.
- No? -No.
- Yeah, no.
- Absolutely not.
- We should, like, uh, record ourselves.
Oh, yeah, you could do that instead.
Hey! I can get you a recorder.
My next-door neighbor bootlegs concerts.
He has these tiny recorders that can record for hours.
Get ready to snooze and lose, Snory Spelling.
You get ready to lose, S-Snorma Ray.
Hi, kids.
How was school? - (moans) - Gene, what's the matter? Gene got invited to sleep over at Alex Papasian's house.
And he said yes.
- Really? - What? Aw.
My little Genie Beanie is growing up.
Ah, all right, let's not make this weird, Mom.
Just give me one of your maxi-pads to lay my head on when I fall asleep.
Let me give you a bunch of good night kisses now so you won't miss them later.
Come here.
- (kissing) - I already miss you, Mom.
Mwah, mwah, I miss you, too.
Mwah, yes, my baby.
- (kissing) My baby! - Wait, what what'd you say about maxi-pads? It helps him sleep.
Leave him.
- GENE: Yeah.
- When did that start? Gene takes them in his backpack to school.
Yeah, I have a bunch.
Definitely needs to stop.
It all feels very healthy, very normal.
ALEX'S MOM: Gene, we're so happy to have you - sleep over tonight.
- (barking) D-Donut! Donut! Hush! Donut, God! Oh, he's just excited.
That makes one of us.
Honey, can you take Donut? Please.
Come on, boy.
Come and be a dog with me.
(laughs) - All right, well, I'm gonna - Yep.
- I'm gonna go.
- Sure, sure.
Uh, I'll see you in a half hour when you come back to check on me, right? - You'll-you'll check on me Yeah.
- Gene.
Gene, Gene.
- Gene.
It's okay.
- Yeah? Yeah.
Uh - Look at me.
You're gonna do great.
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.
- All right? - Mm-hmm.
Ah! - Open your eyes.
- All right, I'm gonna go.
- (gasps) - It's just a sleepover.
- (moaning) I'll see you Stop making that noise.
All right, I'll see you in the morning.
-(yells) Have fun, have fun.
Bye.
Okay, boys, do you want to wash up? It's almost time for dinner.
I'll be right there.
I'm just gonna press my face - up to the window and watch my dad drive away.
- Okay.
GENE: Wow, he wasn't kidding.
He's really leaving.
That son of a bitch is really leaving.
What, uh - is this? - Ugh.
- It's a big plate of farts.
- Alex.
It's steamed salmon, steamed spinach and steamed potatoes.
- Mmm, well, it sounds delicious to me.
(chuckles) - Mm-hmm.
I'm not used to seeing the fish part of the fish.
Usually, it's hidden inside a stick.
Well, we used to eat fish sticks, too, but we're trying something new.
- We're eating healthy.
- (groaning) What now, we eat healthy and happy.
- Ew! - We eat healthy and it makes us happy.
(retching) - Alex! - Happy.
Happy! Happy family! (moaning) Uh, I love it here! BOB: Thanks for this, Teddy.
Yeah, my neighbor said it can record for up to six hours.
He also made me buy this CD of a Sting concert from 2003.
- Oh.
Well, I'm gonna get going.
- You want to sit down? Have something to drink? Sorry, I've, uh Oh, yeah, no.
You should go.
You have a family to get home to.
I'll stay here, listen to Sting with the cheese and the crackers I put out in anticipation of your visit.
No big deal.
Um, I-I guess I could stay for another minute.
- All right, have a seat.
- Yep.
You can have that seat, and I'll sit over here.
- Oh! That's uh - Right? - That's a, that's a firm couch.
- (stammers) Y-Yeah Well, it doesn't get used a ton.
Want put a cushion down? Hold on.
There's a little cat fur on this pillow.
Who got a cat around here? Not me.
(groans) Where'd that cat fur come from? Yeah.
That's - Uh -That's what happens when you get pillows off the street.
What, are you gonna throw out a perfectly good pillow? - Yep.
- (grunts) - How's that? That better? - (sighs) - Yeah, that's fine.
That's good.
- Is that good? - Thank you.
- Okay.
Uh, how was your day? At work.
Well, it wa it was a good day, and then it was this.
Uh Sting? - It does.
- Want to listen to Sting? - Oh.
All right, well, I'm definitely gonna go now.
- Okay.
NARRATOR: Cacti grow in different shapes and sizes, and they have developed many adaptations to conserve water.
Is this PG-13 by any chance? If PG stands for "Poop Garbage.
" Alex! Let's watch the documentary.
- Ugh.
- Shh.
(sighs) Okay, boys, good night.
Good night.
Sweet dreams.
Kisses, huh? M-Mwah, mwah, mwah.
You're not my Mom! Oh, my God, oh, my god, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
S-Sweet dreams.
(whispering): I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.
This is a living hell.
- What was that? - Ah, oh, you're awake? (whispering): Yeah.
I think my parents are in bed.
Yeah.
So, it's showtime.
I don't want to watch it.
No, no, my friend.
Put on your shoes and follow me.
I didn't know we were bringing backpacks to Shh! (whispering): Use your whisper voice.
(whispering): Right.
Sorry.
Okay, I did a dry run of this yesterday.
The last few steps are really creaky.
We're gonna have to climb over the bannister, go down the other side, so we don't make noise.
Okay.
- Do as I do.
- I will.
- Nice and easy.
- Okay.
- Think of yourself as - We're Shaolin monks.
Yeah, I was gonna say J.
Lo was, like, dancing around the lasers.
Wait, is that the movie with Sean Connery, - and they're robbers or something? - Yes, yes, yes.
- Gene, yes.
- Okay, okay.
Yeah, okay.
Good, good, good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- No, thanks.
I'm more of a wet food guy.
Oh, no, these are for Donut.
(clicking tongue) It's so he doesn't bark and wake up my parents.
But I like how open-minded you are.
- Thank you.
- All right, perfect.
Now let's go before he finishes.
But the fridge is over there.
Uh, what's going on? - We're running away.
- What? - I mean, well, walking away.
- We can walk away.
- No big deal.
Let's walk.
- You can't run away! We were in the middle of my first sleepover.
I was told we were gonna gossip and talk about boys.
Alex! Oh, my God, you walk fast for someone so horrible at running! Alex, you can't run away.
Well, I can't live there anymore.
Why? Your parents seem okay-ish.
I mean, they shouldn't be allowed near food, but I know! That I know.
A month ago, my parents watched a documentary about how sugar "was evil.
" Next day, they threw out all the sugar in our house, and put me on a diet.
Monsters! I mean, hmm No, no, you had it right the first time.
They are monsters.
And I'm done living with their dumb diet meals.
Well, I don't want to run away from your house.
I'm in my jammies.
My nighttime jammies.
If you don't want to run away, fine.
Go back, wake up my parents, and get me into trouble, which would be snitching.
Uh puts kind of a bad spin on that.
Then come with me.
Like gym class, but for the rest of our lives.
Listen, I built a cabin in the woods.
It's stocked with food.
Real food.
A cabin in the woods? - Didn't you see Cabin in the Woods? - No.
Me neither.
But the music for the ads was terrifying! Tina, Louise, it's late.
- You two need to go to bed.
- Well, we can't.
We're helping you guys record yourselves sleeping, just like every kid in every family does.
I'm in charge of tape.
Anyone want some Scotch? Actually, this is masking tape, but I really wanted to say that.
I thought all adults snored.
It's just the sound of them dying.
Maybe, you know, let nature take its course, right? Aw, we're dying.
All right.
Come on, you two.
Off to bed.
Your dad and I have to fall asleep and snore at each other.
- Come on.
- You guys have a beautiful marriage.
It has its moments.
What is this? Some kind of animal trap? No.
(clears throat) Welcome to my cabin.
I call it Alex's Alpine Oasis for Boys.
Hmm.
You know that thing where a place looks small from the outside, but inside, it's enormous? GENE: Mm-hmm.
That's what I want this to become.
How long were you planning on staying here? Well, I think we have enough food for a month.
Maybe two, if we conserve these sugar packets.
- A month? Alex! - What? (grunts) This is barely enough food to get us through the next few minutes while I stress-eat and convince you to go back home.
I'm not going home.
But yeah, let's stress-eat.
Mmm! Oh, oh, oh.
Hello, Shuggie.
Sweet, sweet Shuggie.
So, where are we supposed to sleep? There are no beds in here.
Well, who needs beds when you have these cool black sleeping bags? Check them out.
Whoa-oh, coming at you.
These are for garbage.
Well, y but, yeah, but they're bags, right? Look, look: here you go, here you go.
Slip into this little guy.
Uh, odor protection and drawstrings.
Nice and snug.
- Zip it up tight.
(grunts) - (groans) In a garbage bag in the middle of the woods.
My horoscope was right.
BOB: All right, you ready? - LINDA: Ready.
- Okay.
It's recording.
(stiffly): Good night, Linda.
- Why are you talking like that? - I don't know.
I guess 'cause So it's clear for the recording.
- You sound weird.
Just relax.
- Okay, all right.
- Good night.
- Still weird.
That's not Just let's just go to sleep.
(sighing): You're gonna lose.
What? Did you just say, "You're you're gonna lose?" - I didn't say anything.
- Yes, you did.
We're recording ourselves.
I can play it back for you.
I don't know what you're talking about.
- Snore loser.
- What? What? Nothing! Night.
You're dead.
Oh, my God.
(munches) (whoops) How many of those have you had? I don't know, I stopped counting.
I hear my heartbeat.
Do you hear my heartbeat? Maybe we should conserve the rest of the food.
Yeah, good idea, good idea.
Good idea.
Uh, I think I just felt a raindrop.
- Really? - Ah! Did you mean to leave a gaping hole in the ceiling? Uh, that's a skylight.
We're getting wet.
(groans) Okay, look, look, look.
Everybody just start thinking.
We can pull our garbage bags over our heads.
That'll keep us dry.
Drawstrings, activate.
Go! Um, I don't think that's a great idea.
You know, because of breathing.
Oh, right.
Yes, yes, yes.
See? This is why we're a great team.
I have sugar, and you you know about breathing.
Is it getting wetter in here? Ah! Alex's Alpine Oasis for Boys has turned out exactly to be as well-constructed as I thought it was! Which is not well-constructed.
Are we done running away? Can we go back to your house now? I told you, I'm never going back there.
No, you're right.
We should stay here.
This is perfect.
I forget, have I thanked you yet for inviting me over? Oh, I know what we can do.
We'll hitchhike to the airport and pretend we're ambassadors from Dubai.
And then they'll let us fly to Dubai.
Next thing you know, we're in Dubai, baby.
Okay, we could do that.
- Or, what if we went to my house? - No way.
Your parents will call my parents.
Bad plan.
We're going with Dubai.
Listen, we won't tell my parents we're there.
We'll get my sisters to let us in.
- They'll know what to do.
- Eh, I don't know.
Come on, at least we can get out of the rain.
Fine, but I feel like you're being really overcritical of Alex's Alpine Oasis for Boys.
I mean, this could have been a place of learning.
(both snoring loudly) (groans) (grunting) - (pebble taps glass) - (gasps) Gene? What are you guys doing down there? Wait, is this a dream? I wish.
Now, don't tell Mom and Dad, but Alex ran away from home, and I went with him, and now we're standing here in the rain, and Alex has had a lot of sugar.
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yeah.
LOUISE: So, the sleepover took a weird turn, huh? - Yes.
Yes.
- No.
No.
So, are you coming in, or We can't go inside.
We can't let Mom and Dad know about this.
But they would love this.
They're so good at telling us to change out of wet clothes.
Yeah, but they're gonna want to call Alex's parents, and we're not doing that, for some reason.
- It's a pretty good reason.
- It's not a good reason.
- It is a good reason.
- It is not a good reason.
- It's a great reason, Gene.
- I don't think it's - a good reason, I've seen reason - It's a great reason! - GENE: No.
- I could listen to this forever, but, uh, we'll get the keys to the restaurant and be right back.
Great idea.
Bring dry clothes for us.
Oh, and nothing fussy.
I hate buckles, buttons, and bows.
Maybe just a tapered jean, or if you've got sweatpants, that'd be great.
(snoring) Lin.
Lin, wake up.
What? What happened? What happened? You were snoring, and it woke me up, so I win.
Just because you woke up doesn't mean you weren't snoring.
Maybe you woke yourself up, Snora the Explorer.
All right, well, let's listen to the recording, uh, George Snoreman.
Okay, let's.
Ooh, maybe I confessed something fun in my sleep, like I'm really a Russian agent, like, like Felicity.
BOB (on recording): Good night, Linda.
I told you that sounded weird.
Fast-forwarding.
- (loud snoring plays) - Oh, here we go.
Is that me? Which one's me? Uh that one.
Oh, oh, oh - may-maybe that one.
- (fart) - Oh, that's you.
- You.
- You.
No, no, that's you.
- No - (loud fart) - Okay, that's me.
- Yeah, that was you.
- Yep.
- (snoring and farting continue) - Hmm, toss-up.
Ugh, what is wrong with us? LOUISE: Okay, we got you guys tucked away down here.
Out of sight, out of mind.
What happens now? Uh I don't know.
(gasps) Peanut butter.
Oh, and the real kind, not that natural stuff with four inches of oil on top.
(grunts) It's nice down here.
Gene, you know what we should do? We should live here.
I do live here.
Aah! - You are terrible at running away! - What? And you shouldn't have run away in the first place.
Alex, sometimes you have to toughen up and do stuff you don't want to do.
Like a no-sugar diet or a sleepover at someone else's house.
And maybe, hopefully, those things will make us stronger in some way.
Do you understand what I'm saying? (sobbing) Oh, my God, you're right.
(sobbing) Wow, I've never seen someone cry and eat peanut butter at the same time.
It's a little hard to watch.
Okay, what do I do? You could go home.
No.
No, I can't.
I'll get in trouble.
And then I'll get punished.
My parents let me have four ounces of ice cream a month.
They're gonna take that away from me.
It's the one thing I have.
Okay, kooky idea What if you un-run away? - What do you mean? - What if we sneak back into your house before your parents wake up? Then they'll never know you were gone.
It'll be like it never happened.
But the doors are locked.
My sister can pick locks.
I mean, I'm better at locks on Tina's room, Tina's drawer, Tina's diary - Wait, what? - But I can try a front door.
Ugh.
But what about Donut? I mean, he'll hear us and then bark and wake up my parents.
I might have an idea for that.
Alex, we're sneaking back into your house, going to sleep, and waking up to a healthy, bland breakfast that probably involves muesli.
(sniffles) Okay.
Is Donut your brother? Just curious.
Okay, here's the plan.
Tina's gonna distract Donut - The dog.
- Right.
The dog.
And Louise will pick the lock, and Alex and I will stand here and try not to panic.
Not panicking.
Not panicking.
I'm not panicking.
Good job.
You're doing great.
- I am doing great.
This is great.
- Yeah.
- This is fun.
This is a good idea.
- Oh, my God.
I wonder what you'd be like if you were panicking.
(crazy laugh) That is funny.
Tina, get in position.
Ah, squishy.
Okay.
Here goes nothing.
(chuffs) - (barking) - Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
He stopped barking.
Hope he finds my hand.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, he totally found my hand.
Are you sure this isn't your brother? People.
Hush.
Please.
Little girl.
Big lock.
Need to concentrate.
- (snoring on recorder) - Is that you? That's definitely you.
- I can't I can't tell.
- Yeah, it is hard to tell.
TINA (on recording): Quiet.
Don't wake up Mom and Dad.
- Wait.
Did you just hear Tina? - I don't know.
- I heard something.
- LOUISE (on recording): No, no, no.
They're not gonna wake up.
They're in their angry rhino phase.
- TINA: Oh, yeah, of course.
- Hmm.
(loud snoring over recorder) Oh, that is you.
Wow.
What do you think the kids were doing? Don't change the subject.
You just started honking on a whole nother level.
- I'm winning this thing.
- (loud snoring) Oh, that's me.
- Ugh.
We're both disgusting.
- (beeps off) So what now what do we do? Is it a tie? Is the bet off? No one wears the thing on the snoring thing? - What do we do? - I'm fine with that if you are.
You know what? Yeah, works for me.
Can we just go back to sleep? Yeah.
I guess.
Yeah.
(sighs loudly) - I can't sleep.
- Yeah, me neither.
- It's too quiet now.
- Yeah, I know.
I think I'm not used to you not snoring in the middle of the night.
Same here.
I guess you're my white noise.
My disgusting white noise.
- I guess you're mine, too.
- Aw.
I mean, maybe I woke up because you stopped snoring, - not because you started.
- Maybe.
Should we turn it back on? - Really? - Yeah.
It's either that or pills.
- Okay.
- (snoring over recorder) (loud snoring over recorder) (Linda and Bob snore loudly, along with recording) - Mmm.
- I'm running out of peanut butter.
Ugh.
Can you hurry up? It doesn't take this long to pick locks in the movies.
- Well, you try it, Houdini.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I got out of hand, and I'm sorry.
I told you it's possible I might not even be able to open (chuckles) I'm the best.
- That's it.
- That a boy.
- Shh, shh, shh.
- Good dog.
-Good boy, Donut.
- (Donut whining) - Okay, we're in.
- We know.
Now let's get upstairs before anyone hears us.
(grunting) They have a fun way of going up stairs.
- What is that parkour? - Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe.
Wait.
There's someone in the kitchen.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my dear, darling, ice cream.
Are you kidding me? - Should we join her? - What? No, no.
She can't know that we're not in bed.
Right, right, but every diet has room for a little midnight kitchen sneakin'.
You should try it yourself sometime.
Huh.
Yeah.
See? This is why we have sleepovers.
I'm never coming back here.
How long do I have to keep doing this? You know what? Let's rub a bunch of peanut butter on the floor - and just get out of here.
- Okay.
Bye, Donut.
I'll never forget you.
Don't change.
- We did it.
- Yeah.
You know, I think I'm crashing from all that sug ah Oh, God.
This is it.
This is the scary part.
(sighs) Think of happy things.
Mom smell, Dad smell, aioli, Rachael Ray, Luke Cage.
- (sighs) - (door opens) - ALEX'S MOM: Good morning, boys! - It's morning? - I fell asleep? - Oh.
Do you say that every morning? That's cute.
- How'd you boys sleep? - Like lambs.
Like little, sugarless lambs.
How about you, Mother? Very well, thank you.
Breakfast is on the table.
Who likes muesli? Ugh.
No one.
LINDA: Thanks for the recorder, Teddy.
Yeah, glad to help, or not help, I guess.
- No clear winner, huh? - Nope.
But definitely two clear losers.
Who? Oh, us.
Very funny, Louise.
They're back.
Oh, they're back! There's my little sleepover star.
How was it? Did you have fun? It was bad, then really bad, then wet, then suspenseful, and then it was over.
Like my second, fourth and fifth kisses.
Hmm.
Uh-uh.
Well, you did it.
Now you never have to sleep outside the house again.
Not when you go to college, or when you graduate college, - or even when you get married.
- Yay! I love you, Mom.
I love you.
- Mwah - Mwah Does anyone else feel like a third wheel? Little bit.
- LINDA: I love you.
- Let's throw stuff at them.
- LINDA: Forever.
- Oh, yeah.
I don't wanna leave home Because I hate sleepovers, sleepovers I'm gonna go to bed alone Because I hate sleepovers, sleepovers Get me outta here, these sheets smell weird Let's call my dad And have him pick me up right now, thank you I'm finished, I'm out, I'm done Because I hate sleepovers, sleepovers Okay, it was kinda fun But I still hate sleepovers, sleepovers.