Family Guy s08e13 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those Good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Jolly Farm? I can't believe you still watch this crap.
Man, how can you still watch this? Huh? Huh? You know, I can tell you've already been drinking and I just don't want to engage.
Besides, you can learn a lot from British nursery rhymes.
Ring-a-ring of roses A pocket full of posies Ashes, ashes, we all fall down See, that was actually written about the bubonic plague.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Ooh, this one's my favorite.
It's about the Pan Am flight from Lockerbie.
It's raining luggage and babies and limbs And Daddy doesn't come home Yay! It's fun to be a child.
Hey, they're gonna be making an American version of Jolly Farm right here in Quahog.
Oh, my God.
I didn't see that.
Give me.
Good lord, you're right.
An American Jolly Farm.
Oh, there's no picture.
I like the stories that have pictures.
Ooh, like this one! "Seven dead in Mumbai.
" I like their hats.
Lois, you have a gray hair.
- What? - Inch and a half left of your part.
- Oh, my God, you're right.
- I don't mind that you're aging.
It's the way you're shoving it down my throat.
- Screw you, Peter.
- Not today.
Ha-ha-ha, wow! Mom, Dad, is it okay if I invite my new boyfriend for dinner tonight? - Your what? - Yes.
I share your mother's skepticism.
Meg, I think everyone in this household has grown weary of your tall tales.
No, really.
I have a boyfriend.
His name is Anthony.
If you're telling us the truth I just hope to God he's an improvement over the last one.
Thanks, Mrs.
Griffin.
That was delicious.
You're welcome, Justin.
It was a pleasure to meet you.
- Come on.
I'll take you home.
- Okay, babe.
He ain't got no legs.
Brian, which photo should I bring to my audition? - What audition? - Why, for the American Jolly Farm.
Now, which picture? Playful, or more playful? Who the fuck took these? The professional photographer.
Now help me rehearse the audition scene.
"Would you like to go the farm and learn about the animals?" "I don't wanna go to the farm.
We don't know anybody there.
" You have to give Mary some attitude.
Look, you do my line and I'll show you.
- "Mary, would you like to?" - Without the sigh in front of it.
"Would you like to go the farm and learn about the animals?" I don't want to go to the farm.
We don't even know anybody there.
You see, she's a real spitfire, this girl.
You've gotta bring that out or I'll have nothing to react to.
- Oh, my God.
- Please, don't show Mom.
He told me that's what a headshot was.
Lois, get in here.
Shh.
Meg's boyfriend.
But there's nothing wrong with him.
- Mom, where's my? - Shh.
Quagmire, get over here.
You gotta see this.
He seems to be completely normal.
Oh! I can honestly say for the first time that I am attracted to our daughter.
This must be what other fathers feel like.
This was worth the 500-mile drive.
Well, it was very nice meeting you, Anthony.
You too, Mrs.
Griffin.
Thanks for having me over for dinner.
Come on, Peter.
I think Anthony wants some time alone with Meg.
Who doesn't want some time alone with Meg these days? Right, Meg? Has anybody ever told you you're pretty enough to be a movie star, Mrs.
Griffin? Oh, my goodness.
Well, I don't know about that.
Penelope Ann Miller and Nancy Travis, now those are movie stars.
Look, Anthony.
She ain't what she used to be, all right? Once you get those pants off, it's like two sagging pressed hams and a slice of pizza.
- Thank you.
That makes me feel terrific.
Anyway, good night, kids.
Good night, Mom.
Good night, Dad.
Ah-ah-ah.
On the lips.
Yes.
- Do you think your parents liked me? - Yeah.
Can we make out now? Oh, I forgot my Oh, my God.
That's kind of hot.
Mm, I bet you taste like Mountain Dew and Starburst.
Boy, everybody turned out for this thing, huh? Sorry, all the boys can go home.
We only have one part left for a little girl.
What? No.
No, that's impossible.
Well, that's too bad, Stewie.
I guess we can go home now.
But I don't want to go home.
I want to be on Jolly Farm.
You heard her.
They're only auditioning little girls.
Let's get out of here.
I suppose you're right.
Nothing I can do.
Why don't I just meet you home? I'm gonna run some errands.
- You sure you're okay? - I'm positive.
Absolutely positive.
Okay, our next young actress on the audition list is Karina Smirnoff.
Hello, everyone.
Thank you all so much for squeezing me in for an audition.
- So shall we just jump in? - Sure.
When you're ready.
Phew.
All right, let me just get into character.
I'm a bit distracted.
I wasn't expecting we'd do this today in light of the circumstances.
- What circumstances? - Oh, dear God.
Didn't you hear? The bomb? The bomb that went off in Times Square? All those poor people, dead.
Oh, my God.
My cousin works in Times Square.
Well, your cousin is fine because I was acting.
- That's impressive.
- Risky.
Very risky.
All right.
What do you want me to read? We want you to read your new contract.
- You mean it? - Absolutely.
You're hired.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Well, I guess sometimes you're just right for the part.
Like James Earl Jones playing Darth Vader.
So, James, we just want you to do the voice.
Thanks for taking time for me today, Bonnie.
I didn't know who else to talk to.
Oh, that's okay, Lois.
What's on your mind? You're gonna think I'm an awful person, but I'm attracted to another man.
- Giggity! - It's Meg's boyfriend Anthony.
Giggity.
It's just that lately Peter's been making me feel so crappy about my age.
And then I'm around Anthony and he looks at me like I'm young and attractive.
I'm gonna tell you a secret, Lois.
I had an affair once.
You had an affair? Mm-hm.
It wasn't anything sordid.
Just some guys I met on the Internet.
The point is, it's healthy to explore your sexuality.
Oh, I don't know.
It just feels like I'm lying to Peter like Jesus lied to the meek.
All right! Jesus and the jocks win again.
Hey, you said we were gonna inherit the earth.
Yeah.
When we're done with it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- Hello there.
- Hello.
Um, I'm new in town and I'm awfully lonely.
I'm wondering if you wouldn't mind buying me a drink.
Well, that'd be my pleasure.
Maybe later, I can show you some of the local points of interest.
There's one right below the table.
Oh, my.
You're very bold.
Well, when your life span is 13 years, you gotta be direct.
Lucky for you, I like bold men.
- Karina.
Karina Smirnoff.
- Brian.
Brian Steel.
- Ooh, good heavens.
- Man, your accent is sexy.
Oh, this is all moving very quickly.
I'm afraid I'm a little lightheaded.
You must think I'm a fool.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to come on too strong.
Oh, that's all right.
I've been missing a man's touch lo these many months.
And I've been missing a woman's touch.
Brian, Brian, it's me, Stewie.
Oh, my God.
That was hilarious.
You really fell for it.
I was like, "Is he gonna fall for this?" When you did, I was like: "I should see how far I can take it because it'll be funnier.
" I'm gonna kill you! Why are you dressed like that? Uh, because I'm the star of Jolly Farm.
Remember how they only needed little girls? Oh, my God.
- I'm telling Lois.
- You're not telling anybody, friend.
No, no.
You're gonna be my on-set guardian.
You're out of your mind.
We both know I touched it.
If you'd like to keep that just between us I suggest you sit down and order me some chicken fingers.
See? We're having a nice time.
Man, I love Cheese Nips.
It's a snack and a racial slur.
Hello.
What's this? Peter, you know how you always say you wanna do more role playing? I was thinking, how about I be the sexy suburban mom and you be my daughter's boyfriend Anthony? Not tonight.
I just had a fart that hurt my balls.
I'm kind of out of commission right now.
It's one of those kablam farts.
It sounds like you're making up excuses.
- All right, fine.
We'll have sex.
- Good.
First turn of the light, get under the cover up to your neck.
Turn away from me and lose seven pounds.
- Oh, just get the hell out of here.
- Close one.
All right.
First scene up is on page 12.
Everybody, this is our new Jolly Farm resident, Karina Smirnoff.
She'll be playing the role of Mary.
- Hello.
- Hi.
I'm Julie.
Oh, hello.
I'm Stew Uh, I'm Karina! Can we get some quiet on the set? I'm trying to rehearse.
Quiet on the set! Don't mind Randall.
He's getting into character.
Is he playing a dick? All right, everybody.
Here we go.
Scene 10.
Places, please.
And action.
Oh, it's so great being here on Jolly Farm.
Let's go to the barn and meet the animals.
Yeah! Hey, Mary, bet I'll beat you to the barn.
That sounds like a really chauvinistic presumption.
I mean, because I'm a woman you think you'll beat me? A man is automatically better than a woman at any physical challenge? Well, here are a few women who might beat you to the barn.
Joanie Benoit, Jackie Joyner-Kersee Babe Didrikson Zaharias, Mary Decker, Zola Budd.
Karina, your line is, "That sounds fun.
" Yes, Dan.
But I felt that just because we're on a farm it doesn't mean we have to be stuck in the 19th century with our value system.
Mary needs to stand up for herself.
Hmm.
Interesting.
I suppose we don't have an outspoken female character on the show.
Damn right, you don't.
Could be a breakout if we play it right.
All right, Karina.
We'll try it your way and see what happens.
Good luck.
She'll be gone in three episodes.
- Hi, Anthony.
- Hi, Mrs.
Griffin.
You know, we've enjoyed having you around so much lately so we got a little "Welcome To the Family" present for you.
Your husband's work and poker-game schedule? My menstrual cycle's on there too.
But I don't mind if you don't.
Uh, thanks.
By the way, Meg, I forgot to tell you your grandfather needs you to pick him up at the airport.
Ugh.
Grandpa always makes me so nervous when I'm driving.
Okay, now me.
That's a stop sign! - You wanna come with me? - Sure.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I'll keep him company until you get back.
Goodbye, Meg.
Let's not play games.
The other day you said I was attractive.
What are we gonna do about it? Oh, my God.
Wow, this is so cool.
I've never had a MILF come onto me before.
- Can I kiss you? - Let me ask you this.
- Do my gray hairs bother you? - What gray hairs? Oh! Kiss me.
Mom, I forgot my keys.
Do you know where? Um, rape? Hey, another batch of fan mail, Karina.
Oh, careful, Sam.
You're emptying your sack all over me.
Ha, ha.
What? Stewie, how long do you think you can keep up this charade? I will keep up this "charade" as it's pronounced, Brian, as long as I see fit.
Oh, oh.
Shh.
- Hi, Karina.
Oh, hi, Julie.
God, I love your makeup.
I'm thinking of asking them to do my makeup like yours.
Oh, you don't need makeup.
I mean, I need all the help I can get but you have a youthful look, you could pass for 11 months.
Ugh.
Then why do I feel like 40 months? You've got to stop doing that to yourself.
You're fantastic.
I think you're the nicest person I've ever met.
Hey, baby.
You ready to go take a nap? Oh.
Okay, Randall.
I don't think that guy's right for her.
Do you see the way he treats her? - Why do you care? - Because I think I'm in love with her.
Whenever I talk to her, it makes my Band-Aid start to peel off.
- What? - I'm talking about my meat.
Gotta hide it for the cameras.
Instead of tucking it, I just push it in and put a Band-Aid over it.
- What kind of Band-Aid? - Big one.
Big giant one.
No, just one of those little dots you put on a shot.
Okay, Brian, watch.
Here comes my big part.
Oh, here comes Large Bird and Moody Green Garbage Creature.
Wow, you're a big bird.
And I'm grouchy.
So get out of my way.
You watch that tone, Moody Green Garbage Creature.
Or I'll get Bernie and Gert over here to kick your butt.
- Is there a problem here? - Yeah, you need us to use our fists? Look at Julie, Brian.
She's absolutely beautiful.
Julie? Hi.
We were just talking about you.
Hi.
Do I know you? Oh, right.
Yeah, no.
You don't.
You know Karina.
I'm her brother, Stewie.
- It's nice to meet you.
Is she home? - Oh, yeah.
She's upstairs.
Come in.
Brian, you've met Julie, right? Julie's my sister's co-star on Jolly Farm.
- Hi.
- Why don't you keep her company while I go fetch Karina? - Just make sure you get her fast.
Karina! Yes? You have a visitor.
Who is it? Oh, it's that girl Julie from your show.
Oh, Julie.
Did she say what she wanted? Go see for yourself.
I'm not your secretary.
Why are you so cruel? Because I'm the pretty, talented one? You know, we're all sick of you.
That's right.
All of us.
Sick of me? Oh, that's rich.
I wasn't going to say this, but Mother hates you.
That's not true.
You take that back! It is true.
She hates you.
She told me.
It was the Christmas we all went to Edaville Railroad.
You cried.
You were afraid because one of Santa's elves was a real midget.
And Father said, "That's it! I can't take this anymore.
" And he left that very night.
And all you cared about was ice cream on the way home.
You didn't appreciate anything.
Karina! - Coming.
Hello, Julie.
So nice to see you.
Please.
- Two lemonades, Brian.
- Oh, yeah, I'll go make you a lemonade.
I'll make you a fresh one.
So, what brings you here? I wanted to see if you could come to my house and run lines with me.
Don't you usually do that with Randall? - We kind of had a fight.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought maybe you and I could have a sleepover.
- You know, a little girl time.
- Oh, that would be so fun.
Yes, let's.
Terrific.
I can't wait.
Do you mind if I say goodbye to your brother? I'll tell him for you.
I'd like to tell him in person if you don't mind.
Fine.
Stewie! What? Julie would like to say goodbye.
Well, answer me.
I'm not talking to you.
You're being a baby! Go say bye.
Why? She's your friend.
Why should I do you favors after the terrible things you said to me? I didn't bring up that time when you showed your fanny to that girl in the wheelchair.
- Julie's gone.
That's fine.
We're having a conversation.
That girl in the wheelchair called me a name.
That gives you no right to be a blackguard.
Meg, honey, I think we need to talk.
I don't wanna talk to you.
Get out! Look, I understand that you're upset.
You made out with my boyfriend.
How could you do that? I don't know, sweetheart.
But I am so, so sorry.
It was an awful thing I did.
I never meant to steal him from you.
Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me.
Well, I do know a few things, Meg.
And clearly, if I wanted him, I could have him.
You really think you stand a chance? Look at you.
You're old.
You're nothing.
You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him.
And this isn't about making out.
This is about power tools.
Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from.
I'll do anything.
You don't know me.
Oh, my God.
He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras and then we laugh at you.
Now get out of my room! Well, when you're ready to talk - Are you okay in there, Karina? - Be right out.
Just rinsing off my Noxzema.
I'm so glad you came over.
Oh, so am I, Jules.
It's been so fun.
So I guess I sleep in the guest room or whatnot? No, you can sleep in here with me.
Oh.
Well.
My goodness.
I hope there's room for both of us.
I'll just have to squeeze in here.
Well, goodnight, Karina.
You know, I really like spending time with you, Julie.
Me too.
Why couldn't we just have girlfriends instead of boyfriends? I know.
It's all just one big confusing mess.
- Can I snuggle with you? - Uh-huh.
Good night, Julie.
Well, I hope you're happy, Peter.
Our daughter hates me and it's all because of you.
- Me? What the hell did I do? - You've made me feel so unattractive that I went and did something disgusting and I'm ashamed of myself.
Peter, I made out with Meg's boyfriend.
You made out with Meg's boyfriend? How the hell could you do that to me? Because, Peter, you've been making me feel old and fat and unattractive and worthless.
How do you expect me to respond? Lois, I think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life.
Well, but then why have you been saying all these horrible things? Because I'm old and fat and unattractive and worthless.
And ever since my birthday last month, I've been really feeling it.
I thought that if I could bring you down you wouldn't notice that you're too good for me and run off for another fella.
Peter, that's ridiculous.
I love you.
- Why? - Maybe I like fat guys.
- You do? - Maybe I like having sex with fat guys.
Yeah? Maybe I wanna have sex with a fat guy right now.
Well, maybe I want to have sex with an ugly old broad.
- Peter.
- Gotcha.
Ha-ha-ha, wow! I'm going insane, Brian.
I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
I've got to tell Julie my true feelings.
- So tell her.
- Have you heard, Karina? We're gonna be doing the show live today.
I'm so nervous.
I've never been on live TV before.
Would you give me a hug for luck? No, no, no.
I'm not done yet.
Karina, what are you? Oh, I'm not I'm not a lesbian.
No, no.
I'm not either.
- What are you, exactly? - I'm sorry, Karina.
If only you were a boy.
But I am a boy.
Okay, everybody.
We're live in five.
You better get out there.
Four, three, two.
Good morning.
And welcome to Jolly Farm.
Today we're going to learn about the letter T.
I've got something to say, Mother Maggie.
You do? Well, maybe that can wait till later, Mary.
No.
I think this needs to come out now.
You see, I didn't move to Jolly Farm from the big city to be around animals.
I moved here because my uncle was molesting my sister and my parents wanted her to start a new life.
But my sister Mary shot herself in the face.
And that's when I decided that she would live on through me.
For I am not who you think I am.
I am not little Mary Sunflower daughter of Bradley and Theresa Sunflower.
No, I'm not.
I'm Desmond Sunflower.
Desmond Sunflower.
And I'm a boy.
A perfectly normal little boy who also happens to be a transvestite which begins with the letter T.
- I'm ready.
- To talk to Julie? Her mother won't let me see her.
It doesn't matter.
She's back with Randall.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Why were they shooting that scene live? - Convenience.
- But why'd they? Let's not start pulling threads on this.
Can we go home? Sure.
- You wanna get some ice cream? - Well, why not? I don't have to fit in that dress anymore.
- Hey, can I borrow the dress? - What? I'm just kidding.
I'm just doing some playful walking-away banter during the music.
- Can we not do that? - I have such a headache.
- Sorry.
- I have such a headache.
- Sorry.
Time I've been passing time Watching trains go by All of my life Lying on the sand Watching seabirds fly Wishing there would be Someone waiting home for me