Home Improvement s08e13 Episode Script

You know, if I wasn't me, I would hate me.
Well, I'm not you and I can see your point.
Oh, man! Who's stinking up my refrigerator with this octopus? That's Monique.
She's my date for the hockey game.
Explain to me again why Red Wing fans throw octopi on the ice.
Because sushi is way too expensive, honey.
All right, guys, I'll be home by midnight.
What car should I take? Better take the Nomad.
I'm gonna use the Mustang for the hockey game.
No, you can't take the Nomad.
I'm going to the movies with Patty.
What about the Healey? Is it running? (LAUGHING) Guys, what am I supposed to use for transportation? Use your bike.
Dad, I'm going on a date.
You ride up to her house, you ring the bell a couple of times, chicks dig that stuff.
Guys, this is ridiculous.
I mean, we have three cars and I still don't have anything to drive.
I mean, when am I going to get my own car? We're not gonna just give you a car, Brad.
Well, Dad, that's why I've been working so hard.
I mean, I've saved over $2,000.
And on my last report card I got all A's and B's.
You saved $2,000? Hold on.
You got all A's and B's? - Yes.
- Really? I'm proud of you, man.
I'm telling you, that's good work.
But I think this is The last thing your mom wants around here right now is another car.
Actually, I was just thinking that he's worked very hard and deserves his own car.
- Really? - Really? Well, sure.
I mean, he's saved a lot of money and we could match that, couldn't we? - Sure we could match that.
- BRAD: Yeah! And on top of that, I'll spend every waking moment getting you the best car possible.
- Cool.
Thanks.
- Yeah! - You know what I'm thinking of doing? - What? I'll get an old Mercury.
I'll chop it.
I'll make a custom out of it.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! An old Camaro! Update it, put a Vette rear end in it.
I got it! - Dad - No.
Wait a minute.
Stop.
Stop.
- I'll go with it - Dad.
- Maybe I'll get an off-the-road thing.
- Dad! - Hold on! Let me - Dad! - What? - This is my car.
- Yes! - Yes.
Your car.
Well, I guess I'm gonna call Samantha and see if she can drive.
Thanks, guys.
That's a great idea, matching the funds for his car.
That's wonderful.
Well, I did it 'cause I want him to have a really cool car, and money is no object when it comes to my oldest son getting a really bitching set of wheels.
The money's coming out of my car budget, isn't it? Oh, yeah.
Welcome back to Tool Time and our salute ANNOUNCER: Come on down.
Everything must go.
Se habla español.
to used cars.
For those of you who just joined us, my son Brad is in the audience right there.
He's buying his first car.
Hopefully, this '88 Mustang GT right here.
But before he buys it, we're gonna help him out by giving the car a complete mechanical inspection.
And assuming that checks out, then we're gonna show you, right here on the air, how to negotiate a fair deal.
That's right.
We've already test-driven it and inspected the frame and suspension, including the brakes.
And I've checked the oil, the fan belt and the master cylinder.
Everything checks out a-okay.
And now we're under the hood completing a compression test.
Compression test is a great way to find out if your rings are in good shape or if you've had a crack in the block.
Now, my gauge should read between 120 and 130 pounds.
The last time your gauge read that, you were six years old.
(WHIRRING) Okay, perfect.
130 pounds.
That's just perfect.
Now, it's time to start dealing.
Right, Brad? All right.
Let's meet the owner of this beauty.
Let's have a warm Tool Time welcome for Mr.
Michael McCready.
Well, Mike, you did something to your hair, huh? I'm Thelma, Michael's mother.
I'm the actual owner of the car.
Mikey was just helping me out showing it to you.
Oh, here.
I brought you kids some homemade jelly donuts.
- Well, thank you.
- This is the oldest trick in the book.
Send an old lady to soften up the buyer with fresh donuts.
I'm on to you, Granny.
I'm sorry, Mrs.
McCready.
I apologize for Tim's behavior.
That's okay.
I've seen Tool Time.
I know that sometimes he can be a real schmo.
Have a donut, Al.
Oh, no.
I couldn't.
Not while I'm working.
Oh, I made them with my special boysenberry filling.
(SIGHS) Really? Well, maybe just one.
Lesson number one.
You want to make sure that the seller is honest and trustworthy.
Which begs the question, why would a woman who voted for, I'm guessing, Calvin Coolidge be selling a V-8 Mustang? Well, actually, it was my late husband's car.
Oh, the old late-husband routine, you know.
What we're going to hear now is you only drive it to church on Sunday? Oh, no.
We took the Trans Am.
And now it's time for the all-important negotiation.
That's right.
Now, all used cars have a blue book value.
Low book is what a dealer might pay for it.
High book is what he'd sell it for.
Thelma's asking price came right in the middle, $4,000.
All right.
I'll give you $2,500 for it.
$2,500? After all the work we put in this car? You take another look under the hood.
It's as clean as a whistle.
Well, Tim, it does look pretty clean to me.
(SIZZLING) Well, it was until you slobbered jelly all over it.
Geez, I'm sorry! Oh, now it's all dirty.
You'll have to knock off a little.
How about $2,450? Do we have a deal? No, we do not.
And I'm insulted by your offer and your disrespectful attitude.
I'm not gonna sell you this car.
All right, $2,750 and I'll give you a ride home.
No deal, Tool Man.
I'm taking my wheels and leaving.
All right.
All right.
All right.
$3,000.
And that's my final offer.
And here's my final offer.
Bite me! Dad, you're blowing the deal.
All right.
I'm willing to go to $3,500.
$3,500, that's fair.
Forget it! Put the spark plug back in and give me my key.
Please, Mrs.
McCready.
I really want that car.
Oh, you seem like a nice boy.
You must take after your mom.
All right.
I'll let you have it for $2,500.
All right! See? $2,500 it is.
- Plus the cost of the donuts.
- Okay.
What could they cost? $2,000.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Brad.
I got all the pictures of me and the Mustang.
- Let me take a look at them.
- All right.
- Oh, here we are at the gas station.
- Yeah.
Here I am giving it its first oil change.
Nice.
Oh, here I am putting on five coats of wax.
- Carnauba? - Oh, yeah.
(GRUNTS) Oh, here we are just being silly.
- Hey, that's the one with me.
- Yeah.
Too bad you didn't get a reprint for me.
Oh, Dad, I am way ahead of you, man.
All right! How's the stew coming? I don't know.
I've never done this before.
Oh, well, honey, it's your first time, you know? And that's always kind of This is incredible.
What did you do? Well, you know, I followed the recipe and made sure you didn't touch it.
Good going.
Hey, Tim! Dinner's ready! Nah.
I'm not really that hungry.
I didn't cook it.
I am famished.
Where's Bradley? Same place he's been for the last three weeks, attached at the hip to the Mustang.
(GRUNTING) Yeah, that's my boy.
- Well, my car got stolen.
- What? Yeah, right in front of the high school.
You know, I always had a bad feeling about that place.
I can't believe it.
- Did you call the police? - Yeah, I called the police.
Then I had to ride home on that stupid yellow bus.
Well, what did they say? "Hey, what's the cool guy doing on the bus?" The police.
Oh, they said they hope I have a good insurance policy.
Well, I know the guys down at the precinct.
I'll give them a call and make sure they're doing it the right way.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, I know.
I loved that car more than anything.
Well, maybe they'll find it.
Or if they don't, you know, we got insurance.
We can get you another car.
I know, Mom.
But I don't want another one.
I want my car.
Well, look, your dad's gonna do everything he can do.
Hello, Officer.
Yeah.
This is Tim Taylor.
Well, apparently, my son's car just got stolen at the high school.
And I'm giving away free Tool Time tickets to the first group of guys that find it.
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me! You know, I fail to see the humor in what I just said.
Brad, come on.
You got to try some of Mark's stew.
We usually don't eat this well.
I know, Dad.
I just can't believe my car is gone, you know? I keep thinking I'm gonna step out that front door and she's gonna be there waiting for me.
It'll get back to you.
Some kids probably just took it for a joy ride.
Come on, sit down.
I know.
But, Dad, we put so much work into that car.
I mean, what? Didn't we test-drive, like, 15 cars before we decided which one was best for me? Well, 16 if you count the Ferrari we drove just for the fun of it.
So, Dad, have you ever had a car stolen before? No.
But I've experienced every car disaster known to man.
Floods, fires, jockstrap caught in the fan belt.
It was a fraternity thing, you know? (PHONE RINGING) Yo.
Yeah, it's Tim Taylor.
They found it.
Yeah, leave it where it is.
We'll come down and pick it up.
Don't take it to impound, all right? and Walton.
I got it.
Okay, we'll be right there.
It's completely stripped.
Oh, man! I can't believe my car is gone.
Officer, what's your plan of attack now? Well, I'll call the tow truck, they'll haul it to impound, then I'll take a break.
Well, that ought to put the fear of God in those thugs.
You're saying there's nothing we can do? I'm sorry, Mrs.
Taylor.
But you have to catch these guys red-handed.
You see, the vehicle parts don't necessarily correspond with any individual cars.
So, even if they find yours, you can't prove they were stolen from your vehicle.
Thanks, anyway.
I'll fill out the report, and we'll get back to you if we find anything.
Sorry, kid.
So, my car's gone forever.
Oh, honey.
Look, let's just go home and get some sleep, and tomorrow we can go out and look for another car.
You know, I can't believe this.
I mean, there's nothing they can do about this? I'm with Brad.
Somebody's got to be held accountable for this.
You heard the officer.
There's nothing they can do.
Well, maybe there's nothing they can do.
There's something I can do.
I'm the guy that delivered a baby after being crowned "Car Guy of the Year.
" The same night! I'm the guy that built a lawnmower that can do 12 seconds in the quarter mile.
I'm the guy that put a barbecue grill into geosynchronous orbit.
So, don't you tell me there's nothing we can do.
I'm The Tool Man! I can fix anything! Okay.
Fine.
Then zip up your fly and let's go.
No, listen, Officer, I got this tip from a friend of mine named Eddie.
He owns Eddie's Body Shop.
He says it's a place called A-1 Salvage that's selling stolen parts.
So, I figured you guys got to go down there and check it out.
What do you mean, you need a warrant? This is America.
Okay.
All right.
Thank you.
What was all that about? I got a lead on an auto shop that might be selling stolen Ford parts.
The police won't go down to check it out, so I thought maybe I should.
Are you insane? Those guys could be dangerous criminals.
Hello.
Soufflé in the oven.
Well, this might have something to do with Brad's stolen car.
You're not gonna accomplish anything by running around, acting like a vigilante lunatic.
People, please.
You're right, though.
Just like the cop said, even if I could go down and find the parts, there's no way I could prove they came from Brad's car.
Okay.
Now you're making some sense.
What I need to do is take a couple months off of work, grow a beard, get a job on the inside and become one of them.
Hey, Wilson.
What are you doing? Well, I'm getting ready to give my honey to a friend.
She sounds like a very understanding woman.
No, no, no, no, no, Tim.
See, I'm bottling honey to take to a Crespian festival.
Did you realize that in Crespia they pay homage to honey because to them it's symbolic of gold? How do they celebrate that in Detroit? Well, we have a little honey, and then we get all liquored up and put on funny hats.
Do you want to come? I'm not in that funny of a mood.
So, I take it you're still upset about Brad's car.
You're darn right I am.
And I even got a tip of who might have stolen it.
But the police aren't interested because they don't have any evidence, you know? I feel so helpless.
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
You know, I was robbed once when I was 12.
I was riding my brother's unicycle.
Did they steal one of your tires? No, no.
This big bully came, pushed me off and took it.
- What did you do? - I didn't do anything.
It was that hooligan Terry Zavacas.
Sold it.
I didn't have any evidence.
- So you never caught him? - Her.
It was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life.
I mean, just talking about it right now is just bringing up all these ugly memories.
God, I hated Terry Zavacas and - Wilson! Wilson! - that sleazy band of Hey, calm down, buddy.
Just think about all the fun you'll have at that lesbian festival.
It's a Crespian festival.
And you're right.
I do have to collect myself.
I must call my good friend Guillermo and remind him to bring the donuts.
Donuts! Donuts! That's the answer to my question.
- What? - Yeah.
Mrs.
McCready, the boysenberry filling, the manifold, Al slobbering all over it.
It's totally clear right now.
Thanks, Wilson! I think somebody's been doing a little celebrating on their own.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Tim, you look like Juan Valdez.
(SPEAKS SPANISH) Al and I are going down to this chop shop, A-1 Salvage, to look for stolen parts and I don't want anyone to recognize me.
I assume this has something to do with Brad's car.
Yes.
We're looking for evidence to give the cops.
Tim, it sounds a little dangerous.
Are you sure you should be doing this? We just got to be careful, clever and discreet.
Wait till you see this.
Al.
Look at the spy cam.
HEIDI: Oh.
You don't think anyone might notice that? AL: I don't think these costumes are gonna work.
TIM: I disagree.
I think they look great.
I don't know.
It's just I have a very bad feeling about this.
Why did I ever agree to come down here? Because you're the one that ate the donut.
You're the only one that can identify the boysenberry jelly that fell on the manifold.
I am not a crime stopper.
What if they frisk me? These guys are criminals, not masochists.
Turn the camera on.
All right.
Friday.
looking for stolen parts.
Mother, if something happens to me, you can have all my John Tesh albums.
What can I do for you? We're looking for some car parts.
That's right.
A part.
That's all we're looking for, just a part.
Just a part.
What are you looking for? Maybe a manifold off an '88 Ford Mustang.
Manifolds are over there.
I think we got an '88 Mustang in there somewhere.
- Great.
- Thank you! - Can I help you? - No, no.
We're just browsing.
Well, if you need anything, my name is George.
Oh, my God, Tim! That's the guy we met in prison.
I know it! You know, when we were scalping tickets? He'll never recognize us with these getups on.
Hey, wait a minute.
Were you guys ever in county jail? I think we showered together.
I don't think so.
You must have me mistaken with some other gentleman.
Mustang manifold, something purple and sticky.
Lick it.
What? Well, you got to make sure it's the right one.
Lick it.
Man! Why is he licking the manifold? It doesn't make him a bad person.
That's boysenberry, all right.
I think we have our evidence.
You can stop licking it now.
All right.
I think that we found what we were looking for.
- All right.
What do we owe you for that? - Hundred bucks and it's yours.
And I'm sure you'll probably want it in cash.
Just pay the man, Bobby.
All right.
I'll pay.
I'll pay them, all right.
And so will they.
Hey, what is that? Some kind of video recorder? No.
That's his artificial heart.
He keeps an artificial heart in his fanny pack? HMOs.
What are you gonna do? Hey, wait a minute.
I know you.
- No, you don't.
- Yeah.
You're The Tool Man.
The guy who has all those accidents.
Well, you're about to have an even bigger accident.
- Give me that video camera! - No! Never! Never! Tim, take it! - Run! Run, Tim! - What's going on here? We got a call from someone named Heidi that there's a problem.
- Oh, no.
There's no problem here.
- Thank God, you guys are here.
These are hardened criminals.
I know because I met George in prison.
We have evidence that these gentlemen are selling stolen car parts.
Oh, they don't have squat.
I got more than squat.
I got boysenberry jelly on a manifold.
You got a manifold with jelly? That's right.
I ought to know.
I licked it.
This manifold was stolen off my son's car and I've got a videotape to prove it.
Here you go, officers.
What do you think now, punks? I can't believe I let you borrow my soap.
REPORTER: In local news, a chop shop is busted thanks to two local TV personalities.
Their evidence? A jelly donut.
Tim Taylor and Al BorIand used this segment from Tool Time and a hidden camera to identify a stolen car.
A hundred bucks and it's yours.
Thanks to the jelly tape, police uncovered a whole cache of stolen property.
For Channel 8 News, this is Tiffany Gutierrez.
You know, that just goes to show you, you don't have to sit idly by and become a victim.
You can act on your principles.
I still think it was stupid for you to go down there.
In the future, I forbid either one of you to ever act on your principles.
Yeah, don't worry.
Our generation doesn't have any principles.
- Good job, Dad.
- Thanks.
Yeah.
Way to nail those punks.
Now if you excuse me, I've got a duckling to glaze.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna go check the newspaper for a new car.
Good.
I know you didn't want me going down there, but I just couldn't stand the thought of letting those guys get away with it, okay? I just I hate that our kids have to think about this kind of stuff.
I don't remember worrying about it when I was growing up.
You grew up on a military base.
Someone steal a car, they'd take a bazooka and form the guy - Tim? - Well, you know.
Right.
Please.
Now, you know what I mean? It's just It's scary out there.
Well, it's a lot less scary now, thanks to a crime buster and his partner, Pop'n'Fresh.
Well, I'll tell you one thing, when Brad gets his new car, he is going to have some kind of security system, state-of-the-art, no expense spared.
Let me guess.
It's coming out of my car budget? Oh, yeah.
Well, we're just about at the end of our segment on car security.
But before we go, I'd like to show you a super-secret, high-tech alarm system, new from the boys at Binford R and D.
See, my kid's car was stolen recently.
In order for that not to happen again, we've installed that on his brand-new car here.
Al, try breaking in.
Oh, no.
I'm not falling for one of your traps again.
Oh, no? Your paycheck's in the glove box.
Oh, man! - Well, that wasn't so hard.
- No? Once the perpetrator enters the vehicle without authorization, the car snaps into action, locking the doors and rolling up the windows.
(ALARM BLARING) Tim! And, finally, before the police arrive, you want to put your thief under a little bit of pressure.
(YELLING) I've checked the oil, the fan belt and the master cylinder.
Everything checks out a-okay.
And now we're under the hood completing a compression test.
Way to nail those punks.
Now if you excuse me, I've got a duckling to glaze.
Yeah, I think I Wow! (THUD) Get down! - What was that? - What was that?