Married with Children s08e13 Episode Script
The Worst Noel
And now, for your Christmas viewing pleasure Channel 2 presents - Anything but It's a Wonderful Life.
It's a Wonderful Life.
It's a Wonderful Life.
It's a Wonderful Life.
- It's The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
- All right! Right after It's a Wonderful Life.
Dad, it's Christmas Eve.
Shouldn't you be out shooing the homeless or something? Quite the noble gesture, son but Christmas Eve is a time that you should spend with your loved ones.
I'd say that's enough time.
Go away, I'm trying to watch TV.
Dad, every year, you and Mom sit here on the couch and end up fighting over what to watch.
Why don't you take her on down to Almost Steak and treat her to the all-you-can-keep-down Christmas special? Then where would we go for our anniversary? - It's Christmas.
There's nothing on.
- Of course there is.
I got 40 channels.
The spirit of Christmas has gotta be on.
And now live, the great ladies of the Squared Circle present Christmas oil wrestling.
See that? Look at those chestnuts.
He won't budge, Kel.
What are we gonna do? Well, you're the one who wanted to get him a big old jukebox for Christmas.
Hey, if a really cool watch had fallen off the truck I would've gotten him that instead.
I just hope they like it.
Well, they should.
It's got all those geezer records on it.
It's even got one from way back when Cher used to sing with her son.
Well, we can't leave it in this freezing garage all night.
We can take it upstairs and hide it in one of our rooms.
Oh, no problem.
Just let me eats me spinach first.
We'll do it together.
We'll just take it up behind Dad.
Look, he's watching oil wrestling.
He seems to be pretty focused.
She's down! Her breasts are touching! Her breasts are touching! It's kind of nice to see Dad getting in the Christmas spirit.
- Okay, come on, let's do it.
- Okay.
Al, guess what I've got.
You got a Christmas present for me? No.
But I could go back out again.
Do you have any money? Well, I was saving up for a bullet.
That can be from me.
- Is this wrestling? - No, Peg.
It's C-SPAN.
That's Sandra Day O'Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg settling their differences.
Of course it's wrestling.
- Well, you know, I don't really - Peg, I know what you're going to do.
You're going to say, "Is this all that's on?" Then you'll change it because you know I like it.
Al, that's just not true.
Is this all that's on? Yes, Peg.
It's Christmas Eve.
It's all that's on, and I like it.
- Well, change it.
- Fine.
Oh, look.
It's a Wonderful Life.
Peg, I hate this movie! How can you hate It's a Wonderful Life? Because it's a horrible life.
You know why they never made a sequel? Because when the guy came back, he killed himself.
And this time he took that angel with him.
This must be written by a woman.
This stinks.
It bites.
It blows.
But if you wanna watch it, Peg - Oh, never mind.
Just turn it.
- Good.
I told you there's nothing.
I'm going back to wrestling.
Honey, how come you never wrestle with me? Because I end up on top of you or you end up on top of me and either way I lose.
- Kel.
- What? It's on my foot.
Which foot? The one that's flat as your head.
Help me back out the door with this thing.
Your stocking's gonna be as empty as your bed, young man.
Damn carollers.
You know, I have just one thing to say about oil wrestling.
- What? - Do we have to watch this? You know, Peg.
What is it? You look over, you see a smile on my face you say, "I can't have this"? No, Al.
I just thought it would be nice if we could enjoy something together.
We tried that on our honeymoon, Peg.
Remember how we cried? - Just change the channel.
- Fine.
Oh, now, there you go.
You're going too fast.
Come on, Al.
What was that? What was that? What was that? A Bewitched with Dick York, not Dick Sargent.
A Gilligan where the gorilla came to the island.
A Full House Christmas story, where they were snowed-in at the airport.
And a study of the Amazonian catfish's mating habits with Philippe, not Jacques Cousteau.
You can see all that and yet you can't see the rim around the toilet? I see what I wanna see, Peg.
It's me.
And I don't wanna see that.
Marcie, are you having a Christmas party this year? Nope.
Sorry.
- By the way, can I borrow some ice? - Sure.
Help yourself.
It's a shame you're not having that Christmas party.
I had a good time at that last one.
Remember, I got 95 cocktail weenies in my mouth? Yeah, that was real funny, Al.
You know, I would've got 96 in there if I didn't have to sneeze.
Hey, you remember the look on your boss's face? I wish you were having a party.
I really enjoyed it.
It's a shame too, because I got a whole new batch of dwarf jokes this year.
That makes me all the sadder that we're not.
- Can I take this chair? - Sure, go ahead.
Say, what are you guys doing for Christmas? You know, I like to spend my time with the less fortunate so I'll be staying home with Al.
- What about you guys? - Oh, nothing.
We'll just be at home having a quiet evening.
Hey, Marcie, great blowout! Damn shame about that party.
- Give me the remote.
- Here we go.
I know what you're gonna do.
You're gonna go real slow and aggravate me.
- Please don't do this, Peg.
- I'll go fast.
I promise.
This is PBS.
And if you want more bad English television that your friends will insist is better than bad American television please send your pledges in either cash, cheque or canned food to - Pookie.
- What, Al? Just out of curiosity, why are watching this? - Well, you know, l - Turn it! Fine.
- There, I Love Lucy.
- I hate Lucy.
The real star was Fred.
They should have killed off Ethel and Lucy and that illegal alien.
They should've made Fred single and called it Mertz's World.
But if you wanna watch it.
All right, Kel, now look.
This is what we're gonna do: You're gonna tie this rope around the jukebox.
I'll go upstairs.
- And when you're ready, I'll pull it up.
- Okay.
We wouldn't be having this problem if we had just used a seesaw.
And I wouldn't be having this problem if Dad had used a condom.
Just tie it.
God, is that Michael Bolton screaming "Silent Night"? What's his next number gonna be? "Hark! The Hairy Angel Sings"? - You know, you don't like anything.
- Starting with you! Merry Christmas.
- Who's that? - I don't know.
Damn, I wish the D'Arcys were having a Christmas party this year.
Hey, Al.
Do you mind if we borrow the rest of these chairs? Oh, sure, buddy.
- No Christmas party this year, huh? - No, afraid not.
- Say, can we take the table? - Sure.
Any beer? Gonna have sex with the wife tonight, huh? You'll need a couple of six packs then.
Want a bag? - No, I'll just carry it.
- No, I meant a bag for your wife.
No, no, thanks.
What are you gonna do? Just stay home? Yeah, yeah.
Just me and the little lady and your chairs and table and stuff.
See you.
You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear they were having a party.
All right, Kel.
- Did you tie the rope on the jukebox? - Yep.
Okay.
Now toss it to me.
The jukebox? The rope, you lug nut.
Gotcha.
Ready? Okay.
Now pull on it and make sure it's tight.
- Oh, all right.
Why did you pull on the rope that way? Because I wanted to make sure that it was tight on your end too.
- Upstairs.
- But - Get upstairs.
- Okay.
Who's that riding in the sleigh? Who's that firing along the way? Who's roughing up bums On Christmas Day? - Psycho Dad - Psycho Dad - Psycho Dad - Psycho Dad - Psycho Dad - Psycho Dad Look, Peg, it's the Christmas episode of Psycho Dad.
- Oh, not again.
- Peg, it's a classic.
This is where you get to know how he got the reindeer heads on the walls of his cabin.
Merry Christmas.
- Who was that? - I don't know.
- AI, I am not watching Psycho Dad.
- Peg! - I'm turning it.
- Well, then I'm going to the bathroom.
And I really hate this commercial.
You know, Peg, I could swear I heard noises coming from the D'Arcys'.
I think they got a party going on.
Oh, don't be silly, Al.
You know if they had a party, they surely would've invited you.
Well, that's true.
Say, Peg.
Did you have that hat on before I went to the bathroom? Why, yes.
Yes, I did.
You know, Al Bundy, you never look at me.
Yes, I do.
Yeah, I remember it now.
Switch the channel, will you? The Christian Shopping Network.
Have your next supper on our Last Supper plates.
Service for 13, only $49.
95.
Okay, I'm ready.
- Hey, what are you doing? - I'm gonna retie your knot.
Now, don't lift it until I say so.
- Don't what? - Lift it.
Kelly! Kelly, let me down, you moron.
Let me down! Okay.
Are you down? Yes.
And so are you.
Wait.
Don't pull it, Bud.
I tied it to the Dresser.
And now the Black Entertainment Channel presents It's a Malcolm Xmas.
Oh, come on, Peg! I can't stand it anymore.
Give me the remote.
Al, you're going too fast again.
Oh, this just isn't working.
I go too slow.
You go too fast.
Gee, what does that remind you of? Let's just try this together, shall we? You're taking up more than half the remote.
Well, you're taking up more than half the couch.
For those of you who missed the first 53 airings NBC is proud to present Cheers, the final episode.
What does Cheers have to do with Christmas? What does NBC have to do with television? - Change it.
- Change it.
No, not Sally Struthers Feeds the Third World Channel.
Sally, open your purse up.
I'm sure there's enough Ding Dongs and Ho Hos in there to start a new 7-Eleven.
That's all these starving kids need, Sally standing there saying: "Are you gonna finish that?" - Change it.
- Change it.
Oh, this is the TV-movie version of It's a Wonderful Life.
It's from a female perspective.
Starring Suzanne Pleshette.
Who plays the female? Merry Christmas.
Okay, Al.
Guess who's under the mistletoe.
She pecked me, Peg.
Now I know you're having a party over there.
I am too.
Do you have any contraceptives? Well, I got a magazine with Whoopi Goldberg on the cover.
That'll do.
And to all a good night.
I am almost positive that they're having a party over there.
Now on Home Shopping Channel, we're offering this gold-plated necklace.
We've been offering it at $49 but for the next 10 minutes you can buy it for 49 cents.
Look what they put on TV.
Look how hideous this stuff is.
Do they actually think that women'll go for this? Yes, I'd like three please.
Yes.
Oh, yes.
I would love a Brazilian Christmas-tree emerald ring.
How dare you try to sell this crap to women who might actually wear it? Hey, guys, you guys still got that Pocket Fisherman? Happy birthday.
- Who was that? - Kelly.
A&E, the Arts and Entertainment Channel, presents It's a Hitler Christmas.
Arts and Entertainment Channel? We had that blocked.
There's just a few stations left.
Let's keep going.
Now available on CD, cassette and yes, 8-track It's a Country Christmas.
Hear such hits as "Let's Put the Lights on the Trailer.
" Let's put the lights on the trailer "Is That Rudolph's Nose or Daddy's?" Is that Rudolph's nose or Daddy's? "Grandma's Frozen on the Porch Swing.
" Grandma's frozen On the porch swing See, I told you it would be easier if we both did the pulling.
Oh, great, Kel.
Now who's gonna be upstairs to lift it through the window since we're down here? - Oh, you're right.
Hey, I'll go do it.
- I was watching that.
- That's it.
That's it.
I've had it, Peg.
Every year we sit here.
Every year it's the same thing.
TV at Christmastime reeks.
I wish they should just shut it off.
I wish there wasn't any such thing as TV.
Oh, my God, Peg, the power's off.
What are we gonna do, Peg? There's no TV! - Well, we could cuddle.
- Be serious, Peg! There's no TV.
Now I'm sorry I said that about the TV.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
- What are we gonna watch? - I don't know, there's nothing on.
Everything stinks.
They ought to just shut it off.
Mom, Dad.
We have something to tell you.
Yeah.
We're really sorry but this is the only thing left - Hey, now.
You kids bought us a record? - Yeah, we got you a record.
- Yeah, that's what we got for you.
Oh, Nat King Cole sings "The Christmas Song.
" It's been so long since I heard Nat without Natalie.
I'll put it on.
So did you get us anything? Why, yes, honey, we did.
There you go.
- And, Bud.
- Yeah, Ma? Merry Christmas.
- Oh, kids.
- It really is a wonderful life.
It's a Wonderful Life.
It's a Wonderful Life.
It's a Wonderful Life.
- It's The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
- All right! Right after It's a Wonderful Life.
Dad, it's Christmas Eve.
Shouldn't you be out shooing the homeless or something? Quite the noble gesture, son but Christmas Eve is a time that you should spend with your loved ones.
I'd say that's enough time.
Go away, I'm trying to watch TV.
Dad, every year, you and Mom sit here on the couch and end up fighting over what to watch.
Why don't you take her on down to Almost Steak and treat her to the all-you-can-keep-down Christmas special? Then where would we go for our anniversary? - It's Christmas.
There's nothing on.
- Of course there is.
I got 40 channels.
The spirit of Christmas has gotta be on.
And now live, the great ladies of the Squared Circle present Christmas oil wrestling.
See that? Look at those chestnuts.
He won't budge, Kel.
What are we gonna do? Well, you're the one who wanted to get him a big old jukebox for Christmas.
Hey, if a really cool watch had fallen off the truck I would've gotten him that instead.
I just hope they like it.
Well, they should.
It's got all those geezer records on it.
It's even got one from way back when Cher used to sing with her son.
Well, we can't leave it in this freezing garage all night.
We can take it upstairs and hide it in one of our rooms.
Oh, no problem.
Just let me eats me spinach first.
We'll do it together.
We'll just take it up behind Dad.
Look, he's watching oil wrestling.
He seems to be pretty focused.
She's down! Her breasts are touching! Her breasts are touching! It's kind of nice to see Dad getting in the Christmas spirit.
- Okay, come on, let's do it.
- Okay.
Al, guess what I've got.
You got a Christmas present for me? No.
But I could go back out again.
Do you have any money? Well, I was saving up for a bullet.
That can be from me.
- Is this wrestling? - No, Peg.
It's C-SPAN.
That's Sandra Day O'Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg settling their differences.
Of course it's wrestling.
- Well, you know, I don't really - Peg, I know what you're going to do.
You're going to say, "Is this all that's on?" Then you'll change it because you know I like it.
Al, that's just not true.
Is this all that's on? Yes, Peg.
It's Christmas Eve.
It's all that's on, and I like it.
- Well, change it.
- Fine.
Oh, look.
It's a Wonderful Life.
Peg, I hate this movie! How can you hate It's a Wonderful Life? Because it's a horrible life.
You know why they never made a sequel? Because when the guy came back, he killed himself.
And this time he took that angel with him.
This must be written by a woman.
This stinks.
It bites.
It blows.
But if you wanna watch it, Peg - Oh, never mind.
Just turn it.
- Good.
I told you there's nothing.
I'm going back to wrestling.
Honey, how come you never wrestle with me? Because I end up on top of you or you end up on top of me and either way I lose.
- Kel.
- What? It's on my foot.
Which foot? The one that's flat as your head.
Help me back out the door with this thing.
Your stocking's gonna be as empty as your bed, young man.
Damn carollers.
You know, I have just one thing to say about oil wrestling.
- What? - Do we have to watch this? You know, Peg.
What is it? You look over, you see a smile on my face you say, "I can't have this"? No, Al.
I just thought it would be nice if we could enjoy something together.
We tried that on our honeymoon, Peg.
Remember how we cried? - Just change the channel.
- Fine.
Oh, now, there you go.
You're going too fast.
Come on, Al.
What was that? What was that? What was that? A Bewitched with Dick York, not Dick Sargent.
A Gilligan where the gorilla came to the island.
A Full House Christmas story, where they were snowed-in at the airport.
And a study of the Amazonian catfish's mating habits with Philippe, not Jacques Cousteau.
You can see all that and yet you can't see the rim around the toilet? I see what I wanna see, Peg.
It's me.
And I don't wanna see that.
Marcie, are you having a Christmas party this year? Nope.
Sorry.
- By the way, can I borrow some ice? - Sure.
Help yourself.
It's a shame you're not having that Christmas party.
I had a good time at that last one.
Remember, I got 95 cocktail weenies in my mouth? Yeah, that was real funny, Al.
You know, I would've got 96 in there if I didn't have to sneeze.
Hey, you remember the look on your boss's face? I wish you were having a party.
I really enjoyed it.
It's a shame too, because I got a whole new batch of dwarf jokes this year.
That makes me all the sadder that we're not.
- Can I take this chair? - Sure, go ahead.
Say, what are you guys doing for Christmas? You know, I like to spend my time with the less fortunate so I'll be staying home with Al.
- What about you guys? - Oh, nothing.
We'll just be at home having a quiet evening.
Hey, Marcie, great blowout! Damn shame about that party.
- Give me the remote.
- Here we go.
I know what you're gonna do.
You're gonna go real slow and aggravate me.
- Please don't do this, Peg.
- I'll go fast.
I promise.
This is PBS.
And if you want more bad English television that your friends will insist is better than bad American television please send your pledges in either cash, cheque or canned food to - Pookie.
- What, Al? Just out of curiosity, why are watching this? - Well, you know, l - Turn it! Fine.
- There, I Love Lucy.
- I hate Lucy.
The real star was Fred.
They should have killed off Ethel and Lucy and that illegal alien.
They should've made Fred single and called it Mertz's World.
But if you wanna watch it.
All right, Kel, now look.
This is what we're gonna do: You're gonna tie this rope around the jukebox.
I'll go upstairs.
- And when you're ready, I'll pull it up.
- Okay.
We wouldn't be having this problem if we had just used a seesaw.
And I wouldn't be having this problem if Dad had used a condom.
Just tie it.
God, is that Michael Bolton screaming "Silent Night"? What's his next number gonna be? "Hark! The Hairy Angel Sings"? - You know, you don't like anything.
- Starting with you! Merry Christmas.
- Who's that? - I don't know.
Damn, I wish the D'Arcys were having a Christmas party this year.
Hey, Al.
Do you mind if we borrow the rest of these chairs? Oh, sure, buddy.
- No Christmas party this year, huh? - No, afraid not.
- Say, can we take the table? - Sure.
Any beer? Gonna have sex with the wife tonight, huh? You'll need a couple of six packs then.
Want a bag? - No, I'll just carry it.
- No, I meant a bag for your wife.
No, no, thanks.
What are you gonna do? Just stay home? Yeah, yeah.
Just me and the little lady and your chairs and table and stuff.
See you.
You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear they were having a party.
All right, Kel.
- Did you tie the rope on the jukebox? - Yep.
Okay.
Now toss it to me.
The jukebox? The rope, you lug nut.
Gotcha.
Ready? Okay.
Now pull on it and make sure it's tight.
- Oh, all right.
Why did you pull on the rope that way? Because I wanted to make sure that it was tight on your end too.
- Upstairs.
- But - Get upstairs.
- Okay.
Who's that riding in the sleigh? Who's that firing along the way? Who's roughing up bums On Christmas Day? - Psycho Dad - Psycho Dad - Psycho Dad - Psycho Dad - Psycho Dad - Psycho Dad Look, Peg, it's the Christmas episode of Psycho Dad.
- Oh, not again.
- Peg, it's a classic.
This is where you get to know how he got the reindeer heads on the walls of his cabin.
Merry Christmas.
- Who was that? - I don't know.
- AI, I am not watching Psycho Dad.
- Peg! - I'm turning it.
- Well, then I'm going to the bathroom.
And I really hate this commercial.
You know, Peg, I could swear I heard noises coming from the D'Arcys'.
I think they got a party going on.
Oh, don't be silly, Al.
You know if they had a party, they surely would've invited you.
Well, that's true.
Say, Peg.
Did you have that hat on before I went to the bathroom? Why, yes.
Yes, I did.
You know, Al Bundy, you never look at me.
Yes, I do.
Yeah, I remember it now.
Switch the channel, will you? The Christian Shopping Network.
Have your next supper on our Last Supper plates.
Service for 13, only $49.
95.
Okay, I'm ready.
- Hey, what are you doing? - I'm gonna retie your knot.
Now, don't lift it until I say so.
- Don't what? - Lift it.
Kelly! Kelly, let me down, you moron.
Let me down! Okay.
Are you down? Yes.
And so are you.
Wait.
Don't pull it, Bud.
I tied it to the Dresser.
And now the Black Entertainment Channel presents It's a Malcolm Xmas.
Oh, come on, Peg! I can't stand it anymore.
Give me the remote.
Al, you're going too fast again.
Oh, this just isn't working.
I go too slow.
You go too fast.
Gee, what does that remind you of? Let's just try this together, shall we? You're taking up more than half the remote.
Well, you're taking up more than half the couch.
For those of you who missed the first 53 airings NBC is proud to present Cheers, the final episode.
What does Cheers have to do with Christmas? What does NBC have to do with television? - Change it.
- Change it.
No, not Sally Struthers Feeds the Third World Channel.
Sally, open your purse up.
I'm sure there's enough Ding Dongs and Ho Hos in there to start a new 7-Eleven.
That's all these starving kids need, Sally standing there saying: "Are you gonna finish that?" - Change it.
- Change it.
Oh, this is the TV-movie version of It's a Wonderful Life.
It's from a female perspective.
Starring Suzanne Pleshette.
Who plays the female? Merry Christmas.
Okay, Al.
Guess who's under the mistletoe.
She pecked me, Peg.
Now I know you're having a party over there.
I am too.
Do you have any contraceptives? Well, I got a magazine with Whoopi Goldberg on the cover.
That'll do.
And to all a good night.
I am almost positive that they're having a party over there.
Now on Home Shopping Channel, we're offering this gold-plated necklace.
We've been offering it at $49 but for the next 10 minutes you can buy it for 49 cents.
Look what they put on TV.
Look how hideous this stuff is.
Do they actually think that women'll go for this? Yes, I'd like three please.
Yes.
Oh, yes.
I would love a Brazilian Christmas-tree emerald ring.
How dare you try to sell this crap to women who might actually wear it? Hey, guys, you guys still got that Pocket Fisherman? Happy birthday.
- Who was that? - Kelly.
A&E, the Arts and Entertainment Channel, presents It's a Hitler Christmas.
Arts and Entertainment Channel? We had that blocked.
There's just a few stations left.
Let's keep going.
Now available on CD, cassette and yes, 8-track It's a Country Christmas.
Hear such hits as "Let's Put the Lights on the Trailer.
" Let's put the lights on the trailer "Is That Rudolph's Nose or Daddy's?" Is that Rudolph's nose or Daddy's? "Grandma's Frozen on the Porch Swing.
" Grandma's frozen On the porch swing See, I told you it would be easier if we both did the pulling.
Oh, great, Kel.
Now who's gonna be upstairs to lift it through the window since we're down here? - Oh, you're right.
Hey, I'll go do it.
- I was watching that.
- That's it.
That's it.
I've had it, Peg.
Every year we sit here.
Every year it's the same thing.
TV at Christmastime reeks.
I wish they should just shut it off.
I wish there wasn't any such thing as TV.
Oh, my God, Peg, the power's off.
What are we gonna do, Peg? There's no TV! - Well, we could cuddle.
- Be serious, Peg! There's no TV.
Now I'm sorry I said that about the TV.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
- What are we gonna watch? - I don't know, there's nothing on.
Everything stinks.
They ought to just shut it off.
Mom, Dad.
We have something to tell you.
Yeah.
We're really sorry but this is the only thing left - Hey, now.
You kids bought us a record? - Yeah, we got you a record.
- Yeah, that's what we got for you.
Oh, Nat King Cole sings "The Christmas Song.
" It's been so long since I heard Nat without Natalie.
I'll put it on.
So did you get us anything? Why, yes, honey, we did.
There you go.
- And, Bud.
- Yeah, Ma? Merry Christmas.
- Oh, kids.
- It really is a wonderful life.