Roseanne s08e13 Episode Script

( harmonica wails ) It's beautiful, More beautiful than I ever could have imagined.
( sniffing ) ( sighs ) Nothing smells as sweet as money you didn't earn.
( chuckles ) Yeah, why couldn't a relative die every day? $382 for doing nothing.
Now I know how regis feels.
You know, money really is kinda like an aphrodisiac, isn't it? Come here, big boy.
Mmm-muah! It sure took its time getting here.
Your aunt harriet died three months ago.
Yeah, well, when you die on a cruise ship They pack you in buffet ice and just eat around you.
I got an idea.
Let's get it all in singles, Throw it on the floor, roll around in it.
Whatever sticks we get to spend on snow cones.
I can't believe you guys are actually Celebrating someone's death.
Hey, we're not celebrating anybody's death.
We're celebrating the fact that we got $382 here.
Her death was just a bonus.
Hey! Hold on there, sparky.
Aunt harriet sent you an envelope too.
It's probably a bill for 382 bucks.
Wow, $500! ( laughing ) No, d.
J.
, that's $5.
It couldn't be-- it's $500.
Why would she give d.
J.
More money than you guys? Well, actually, it makes perfect sense.
D.
J.
Is the only member of the family that aunt harriet never met.
( theme music playing ) ( Roseanne laughing ) Mrs.
Conner just called From the mall where she's grieving.
I've convinced her to limit her grief to $230.
That leaves us $150 for a fancy meal at mcarthur's, ( pops ) Okay.
It's gonna be seven of us So that comes out to $21.
42 per person.
Wait, wouldn't we get more per person If somebody didn't go like, uh, David? Mrs.
Conner wants everyone to go, Mark.
And if I was you I wouldn't bring up the subject Of somebody not going.
Look, everyone's going.
There's plenty of money for seven people to have a great meal.
Surprise! ( door closes ) Look, it's Darlene.
- hey.
- hey.
( sniffs ) what's that you're wearing? ( sniffs ) Oh, it's the couch.
Well, i'm sure you've got big fancy plans To go out somewhere starting about, oh say 7:00.
So why don't you just take off and i'll put your bag away? No, i'm all yours.
I didn't make any plans And i'm wearing shoes that pinch to keep me awake.
So, what's for dinner? I'm starving.
I don't know, but it's not gonna be as good As what we were having Can you meet me in the kitchen for a sec? How much and when do you need it? Uh $100 by Monday night when I leave.
Man, Darlene! Well, it's for heat and books.
And that pesky heroin habit.
Please.
Look, i'll work for it.
I'll do anything.
Okay.
For starts you have to be nice To everyone in the family the whole time you're here.
Whoa, hold on a minute.
When I said i'd do anything There is a whole lot of stuff not included in that.
Becky: okay, dad.
We got it.
All right.
What do we got to play with? $18.
75 per person.
Well, that sucks.
You were just dangling that good dinner right in front of me Just like a carrot in front of a monkey! You know, I think i'm the only person That can get off a crowded smelly bus And remember that as the highlight of their visit home.
Okay, now remember, it's $18.
75 each.
And that has to include your drinks and your dessert.
And for your information, "market price" means move on.
You know, for such a fancy restaurant, They really don't have much of a menu.
There's no jumbles, nothing to color.
Boy, look at all this stuff.
I don't even know where to start.
Well, i'll simplify it for you here.
Appetizers are the crackers we ate In the car on the way over here.
And now pasta, you know, that's just spaghetti.
And I wouldn't pay $12.
95 for spaghetti If they had Mr.
Chef boyardee himself in the kitchen there.
I think i'll-- i'll get the fish.
I see what you're doing there, Mark.
Ordering up the brain food, huh? Nice choice.
Too bad it's too late.
Well, I think i'm gonna have The king cut of prime rib and a caesar salad.
Can anyone tell dad where he went wrong? Do you, Dan conner, take this woman? Sorry, Mr.
Conner.
You can have my share.
I can't eat knowing we only got this money because someone died.
All right, we're back up $21.
42 each! ( all cheering ) All right, David! You know that fasting sure can be cleansing and spiritual.
Anybody else here wanna join up with gandhi So I can double up on the desserts? Hello.
My name is stan.
I'll be your waiter this eveni-- Oh my god, it's you! Hey! It's Mr.
Parkin.
You guys know our waiter? Yeah, we got him fired from the buy-and-bag.
- how are you? - oh, this is the guy? Yes, this is the guy.
It's good to see you landed on your feet.
Yes, thanks to you I'm on my feet about 12 hours a day.
By the way, would you care to order some food So you have something to throw at each other? I think we're gonna need a little time.
Yeah, things are a lot different Now that we know we won't have to be leaving a tip.
I really dislike you.
By the way, may I recommend the shellfish? I understand it's tainted.
Hey, bring us out one of those wine lists, will you? We need something to roll a joint on.
This is officially the most embarrassing night of my life.
So if anybody wants to yodel, go ahead.
Come on, Darlene.
This is great.
You know, when my aunt died All I got was a 22-acre farm.
I can't believe this.
You guys act like you've never seen money before.
Of course we've seen it, but the bank keeps complaining About our nose prints on the glass.
I'm serious.
I mean, it's embarrassing That you can't spend money like adults.
Big talk for a girl who's hitting us up for 100 bucks.
Yeah, we all got jobs, at least.
You're the only one here who has absolutely no money.
( all laughing ) It's not like you're giving me the money.
I'm borrowing it.
And i'm gonna pay you back that $100, Plus every other loan you guys have ever given me.
( laughs ) Oh, Darlene, just making me laugh like that Is repayment enough.
Hey, i'm gonna be able to pay you back.
I mean, if I took the job I was offered last week I could pay you back in a couple months.
We'll, i'm glad that you didn't take it.
We didn't send you to college so you could drop out And take some crummy job for 200 bucks a week.
Jobs like that are for people like David who have no future.
Look, the job was not for $200, okay? It was as an advertising copywriter And it started at $500 a week.
( laughing ) oh, come on, you guys.
She's kidding! I can't believe the way she's got you guys going.
$500 a week! Well, I didn't take it, so it doesn't matter.
( laughing ) Come on, you guys! Okay, oh-- okay.
Darlene turned down a $30,000 a year job.
So, Mark, how's the senate treating you? That's a lot of money, Darlene.
Yeah, well, so what? I mean, I want to finish school, all right? Darlene, you go to college so you can get a job like that.
Yeah, but I can get a job like that After I finish college.
Or a better one.
God, i'm sorry I brought this up.
It's just that we can't believe That you would turn something like that down.
How much money do you make, dad? Well, that's kinda hard to say, what with, You know, overtime, retirement Benefits Weekly salaries-- Hey, everybody, come on! We're gonna order, aren't we? Yeah, what the hell's taking us so long? Come on.
Always a pain in the butt going out anywhere with you people.
You know, you guys, I didn't mean to like make this-- Darlene, please, we're trying to get the waiter.
- everybody know what they want? - yeah, think I do.
Darlene and I are gonna laugh so hard about this someday.
Man on tv: release the princess ( chuckles ) What is this crap? This is hercules versus, uh Tribe with well-oiled pectorals.
Well, why are we watching this? Because it's good.
Duh.
Yeah, shut up, Darlene.
Are you guys sucking the soul from my body for sport Or are you gaining some sort of nourishment? Shut up, Darlene! Okay, who wants to teach Becky a new phrase? She knows "shut up, Darlene.
" And "do you have this in a larger size?" Hey! We're watching tv here, all right? D.
J.
, what is that? It's a trombone.
I bought it with my inheritance money.
You spent all $500 on that trombone? Your mother and I told you to put half of it in a college fund.
I did! This only cost $250.
I'm not stupid.
I don't know how to play the trombone.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa, young man.
Why did you buy a trombone? I bought it 'cause there's this girl I like.
- i'm not getting it.
- neither do a lot of trombone players Darlene.
All right, I like this girl who plays First tuba in the school band.
And last trombone sits next to the first tuba.
Just like it says in the bible.
So here's how it works.
I walk on in there, I sit down next to the chick.
I pull out the trombone-- she likes the trombone.
I say "hi, I see you play the tuba.
You're very beautiful.
" Boom! She's mine.
- god, d.
J.
- ladies are my toys.
Wind 'em up, watch 'em go.
Attaboy! Nice parenting, dad, Giving your son permission to manipulate some poor little girl.
I can't believe he spent half his inheritance on a trombone.
Why? Sounds like a typical conner family purchase to me.
Hey, dad, still got the electric rake? Hey, i've had just about enough of you, Darlene! Knock it off, all right? What's wrong with you? What's wrong with me? I'll tell you wrong with me.
I'm sick and tired of your sarcastic comments about my house and my family.
Dad, i've been saying this kind of stuff since I could talk.
Before that, I just pointed and laughed.
Well, gee, Darlene, somehow it just isn't funny anymore.
So why don't you make some wry comment About how we've all lost our sense of humor and be on your way? ( door closes ) ( trombone bellowing ) What you watching? Tv.
( chuckles ) black and white or color? Okay.
What's wrong with this family? Your father and I are really brothers.
No, i'm serious.
I mean A minute ago he was jumping down my throat, And now he won't even hardly talk to me.
You know, if he wants me to stop making fun of him Then he should stop walking around this dump With shaving cream in his ears.
You're right, Darlene.
So sorry your father and this house aren't up to your standards.
I wish we could've done better for you.
- i'm just saying-- - no, I know what you're saying.
Everybody knows what you're saying.
And you've been saying it since you got here.
Oh.
What, so now you're gonna give me this crap too? You know, I thought I could come in here and talk to you like a human being.
- you think that's possible? - arrf! You know what? Maybe I should just go back to school.
Yeah, maybe you should.
Yeah, and maybe I shouldn't come back until spring.
Great, more $100 bills for me.
Good.
I think her spending a little less time around this house Wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
Kid's got to learn to have some respect, Roseanne.
Taking her down a notch was the right thing to do.
Yeah.
Well, just stand there and keep yapping, Dan.
Let me know if you ever hit on anything.
- Roseanne: Darlene - oh, great.
More yelling.
No.
There isn't gonna be any more yelling.
First of all, I'm really glad that you're going to school And, you know, getting an education Like I never got because I got all lost in that love-and-peace crap Of the '60s.
And then 10 years later, I realized Should have listened to all those women who said: Learn how to support yourself or you're gonna be screwed.
Well, mom, that is exactly what i'm trying to do.
I know.
So maybe i'm a little jealous of you Because of all the stuff that I had to do In order for you to get there.
Like working really hard in beauty salons, Restaurants and factories Is pretty mind-numbing, you know? Especially if you have to stay hammered the whole time.
Tell me about it.
It's how I got through puberty.
But, the good part is That I was able to give my kids better than I had.
And you're gonna be able to do amazing things for your kids.
Every parent tries to improve things at least 50% for their kids.
And if they can do that, then they're a total success.
( chuckles ) A conservative estimate.
Just by walking erect I improved it 30.
But you know This college thing is really hard for me too.
I mean, i'm surrounded by all these rich kids That don't have to bust their ass Because if they fail their daddy's there to bail 'em out.
Yeah, well, your daddy can't bail you out.
My daddy couldn't bail me out, you know? But stuff like that, it just ends up making us stronger, Darlene.
I can't believe you turned down a great job like that! Well, I told you, I just want to finish school, all right? And besides, it's in advertising.
I don't think I want to devote the rest of my life To coming up with the next "i'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
" ( sighs ) okay, hold it.
I respect you for being all anti-corporate And burning the flag and bla bla bla bla bla, Because, you know, that's the way I was in the '60s.
So i'm kind of glad that some of my ideals made it to my daughter.
But number two, this is the '90s And you can't pay your rent with that kind of thinking.
And number three, you are so out of your mind If you think you're ever gonna top anything Like "i'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
" Okay.
But you're all over the map here.
Do you respect my ideals for turning down the job Or do you think i'm stupid for turning down the job? Well, I really don't know what I think, Darlene.
I mean, this is new territory for us.
No conner's ever turned down a job Ever.
It's kinda like the same reason Drowning people don't flip off the lifeguard.
I'm still a conner.
Yeah, but, man! $30,000! I mean, the mayor of Lanford himself Doesn't even make that much and he works two jobs.
It's like, if you can make that kind of money Then, you know You could be, like, one of them.
Who's them? Them! The ones that ain't us.
So now when you come home making fun of our family And our house and everything, it just sounds Pretty weird to me and your dad.
You know, it's like you're one of them And you're putting us down.
Oh.
Got it.
So What type of helper will we be dining on tonight? Well, we happen to be out of helper tonight.
So i'll be using rice krispies And preparing the meat- and-meat-byproduct dinner.
So, I had a little talk with her and she's staying.
- you straighten her out? - yeah.
Yeah, but you know, she's not the only one that needs to be straightened out.
- we've all got to adjust to this.
- oh, i've got to adjust? Yeah, you do, actually.
Hey, don't you think it's cool that one of our kids Might actually make it? Yeah, wow.
I mean, she still needs us, Dan.
Or, at least she still needs that 100 bucks.
So why don't you go up there and give it to her? And that's supposed to make me feel like The big provider? Little daughter needs her big daddy? - be right back.
- hey! Hey.
We did a really good job With this one, didn't we? Yeah, we did.
Man, it just looks like the conner luck Is starting to change.
Don't ask.
( theme music playing ) There's the little creep.
Look, he's polishing his trap.
Now, Becky, we agreed I'd talk to him.
What's going on? D.
J.
, it's come to our attention That you seem to think That certain material possessions May help you succeed in affairs of the heart.
That, dear d.
J.
, is folly.
I don't understand.
She means you don't buy a trombone So you can hit on some poor unsuspecting tuba girl! Oh, that.
What's wrong with it? Look, you little jerk, If you have no more respect for women than that I'm gonna tie you to the car-- Okay, Becky, Becky! Becky! Becky! Now, d.
J.
, listen to me! Listen.
First of all, That-- that's just not a right thing to do.
And second of all, it's just not going to work.
Now, d.
J.
, you-- you have-- You have put your little heart on a shelf.
And it's going to fall off.
It's going to break.
D.
J.
, are we gonna practice, or what? I'll be in in a minute, betsy.
If the music stops, don't come in.