Frasier s08e14 Episode Script

I'm sorry.
Care for some Brie? No, thank you, Daphne.
Isn't Niles taking you to dinner soon? Yeah, but if I don't have a little snack now, I'll just make a pig of myself later.
You know, I'm really starting to worry about her.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
You're worried? Somewhere on a poultry farm, a bunch of chickens are holding a prayer vigil.
- Ah! Hello, Niles.
- Hello, Frasier.
Look what I brought.
Chocolate-covered honey-nougat praline bombs.
And they're jumbos.
- Well, we knew they weren't for us.
FRASIER: Dad.
Listen, Niles, uh, this may be a bit of a sensitive subject, but have noticed anything different about Daphne lately? Well, she's happier, as am I.
Yeah, well, you know, I guess I meant more in a physical way.
Well, she trimmed her bangs.
That was a week ago.
Men.
Well, I guess what I'm really talking about is, well, her size.
Well, that's my fault.
I was self-conscious about our height difference and I asked her to stop wearing high-heeled shoes.
- Niles.
- Yes? I hope one day to love a woman the way you love Daphne.
Don't worry.
You will.
You will.
Now, where's my little sparrow? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
She's in the kitchen.
- Kenny.
Gosh, this is a surprise.
- Doc, I'm sorry to drop by like this.
- It's just that I'm in a terrible bind.
- Something wrong at the station? No, no, no.
It's personal.
I stopped by a bar last night to watch the game and I started talking to this woman, Janis.
She was so beautiful and she had this great laugh and she smelled good.
And for some crazy reason, she liked me too.
- Oh, Kenny, what did you do? - I made a date with her.
She's waiting for me right now at Chez Henri.
I've never done anything like this before.
I'm a married man with kids, and I have a date! Kenny, listen, if you go down and meet with this woman, it could be the end of your marriage.
I've never met your wife, but you've always spoken highly of her.
- Are you prepared to lose her? - No.
- Then you can't go.
- Stand Janis up? She'll wonder what happened.
She'll call my house.
You gave this woman your home number? - I'm new at this.
- Oh, God.
You're just gonna have to go down there and tell her the whole thing's off.
Oh, no, no, don't make me go down there, doc.
I'm weak.
One look in her eyes and those sexy full lips - Well, maybe a quick hello.
- Kenny, Kenny, wait.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe you shouldn't go down there.
- What else am I gonna do? - All right, uh Go home.
I'll go down and talk to her for you.
Wow.
You'd really do that? - Thanks, doc.
- Oh, well, yes, yes.
Of course, yes.
All right, okay, off.
All right.
So, what name did you make the reservation under? - Kenny Daly.
- What are you thinking? They know me there.
I wanted a good table.
All right.
- Excuse me, are you Janis? - Yes.
The Janis who's meeting Kenny Daly? - Yes.
Is there a problem? - Just one.
I'm his wife.
Oh, my God.
He didn't tell me he was married.
- Why am I not surprised? - Oh, I am so sorry.
No, you must have heard my message on your answering machine.
Yeah.
And for your information, Kenny's eyes are brown, not hazel-icious.
Uh, excuse me, could you please take this? Yes, ma'am.
Excuse me.
Are you meeting Kenny Daly? You bet I am.
- Well, I'm Frasier Crane.
- Yes, I know.
Oh, thank you.
It's always nice to meet a fan.
Anyway, I'm afraid I have a bit of bad news.
You see, Kenny won't be making it tonight.
- Why not? - Well, uh There's something you should know about Kenny.
Janis, isn't it? - Uh, yes.
Janis.
- You see, um, Kenny's married.
- Really? - Yes.
He wanted to come down and tell you, but I insisted that I come instead.
You see, he finds you so attractive that he can't control himself around you.
- Is that right? - Yes.
In fact, I practically had to wrestle him away from the door.
- I don't believe this.
- Janis? Listen, there's no need to cry.
You know, there are other fish in the sea.
And certainly, a woman as beautiful as you could have her pick.
- You don't have to say that.
- No, no, it's true.
- Are you ready to order? - Oh, we aren't staying.
No, wait, just hang on a second.
Janis, listen, um, I'm free tonight.
- What do you say I buy you dinner? - Oh - I don't know.
- Oh, come on.
You deserve to have a nice evening.
Well, I haven't been out in a long time.
See, there you go.
They happen to make a sumptuous crème brûlée here.
Really? Well, why the hell not? [FRASIER CHUCKLES.]
NILES: There you go.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
NILES: I'll just put this in the fridge.
DAPHNE: Yeah.
That sure was a snooty restaurant.
The waitress's eyebrows nearly hit the ceiling when I asked for a doggie bag.
I don't know what her problem was.
The people at the next table barely touched this pork chop.
[DAPHNE SCREAMS.]
Daphne? What happened? I stepped on Eddie's chew toy and twisted my ankle.
- I don't think I can get up.
- Here, here, let me help.
There.
All right.
Ready? Damn these weak shanks.
Oh, it's not you.
It's me.
Oh, don't be silly.
You're light as a feather.
Oh, Niles, look at me.
I'm a tub.
Darling, no.
You might be perhaps a little bit sturdier, but I love you no matter what your size.
I need to create some sort of fulcrum.
I've spent weeks watching myself expand.
I just kept hoping it would go away by itself.
Well, I'm sure all those sweets and lavish dinners I've heaped on you haven't helped.
Oh, it's not your fault.
I just need to develop some willpower.
I'll help you.
We'll commit to a programme of healthy eating and exercise.
Together there's nothing we can't [DAPHNE GROANS.]
Maybe if I throw a rope over that beam.
- What happened? NILES: Oh, Daphne tripped on something and fell.
Where's Eddie? Oh, my God! Eddie! Eddie! Oh, there he is.
I thought maybe he ran away or something.
Oh, darling, look at that.
Your ankle's swelling up already.
It's the other one.
- Here, I'll give you a hand.
- Yeah, and no cracks, old man.
I know I've gotten heavy and I've resolved to do something about it.
MARTIN: All right now.
On three.
One, two [ALL GROANING.]
Maybe the super has a hand truck.
Kill me.
Good Lord, what happened? NILES: Daphne twisted her ankle and fell.
Come help us lift her.
MARTIN: Okay, boys.
Now, be careful.
- Use your legs.
FRASIER: All right, come on, come on.
- There we go.
Okay.
- Oh, bloody hell.
I'm wearing two different shoes.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Yes.
NILES: We'll get to your room.
That's all right.
It's okay.
That's all right.
MARTIN: Daphne, I just thought of something funny.
It took three Cranes to lift you.
- Kenny, I thought you left hours ago.
- I tried to, but I kept circling the block.
I couldn't go home until I knew everything was taken care of.
- Rest assured, you're off the hook.
- Thanks, doc.
How did Janis take it? You know, I must say she was rather attached to you.
But I convinced her it was time to move on.
You're sure she's over me? Because once I get under a lady's skin, I'm like a splinter.
I'm positive.
Listen, Kenny, about Janis, there's something I'd like to ask you.
You see, we sort of hit it off.
I made plans to see her again.
- Is that okay with you? - Are you kidding? Anything for the guy who saved my marriage.
I only hope this woman makes you as happy as my wife makes me.
Okay, let's save a little for the ladies, shall we? Oh, Daphne, listen, my date'll be here any second and I can't seem to find the water crackers.
Blame your brother.
He cleared the kitchen of anything with any sugar, fat or flavour.
Well, you know, I must say, Daphne, I've admired your resolve the past few days.
Thank you, Dr.
Crane.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Bloody hell.
- Hi, Niles.
- Hello, Daphne.
- What's that? - Here it is, the Body Sculptor 100.
Guaranteed to work twelve muscle groups all at once.
- I thought you were getting the 300.
- I couldn't lift it.
- Should we set it up in your room? - Great.
Right behind you.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Oh, Kenny.
- Sorry to barge in on you.
I didn't know where else to turn.
- I think my wife's having an affair.
- Oh, now.
Kenny, just try to calm down.
Isn't it entirely possible that because you were thinking of cheating yourself, that you're just projecting your guilt onto her? No, no, doc, she's been acting all weird lately.
And tonight, she went to a PTA meeting with her Wonder Bra jacked up to her chin.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, Lord, that will be Janis.
We have a date.
Oh, no, I don't wanna see her.
That might be a little awkward.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you wait in my bedroom? It's right down the hall there and I'll send her to the kitchen and come and get you when the coast is clear.
Oh, Janis, come on in.
Here, let me take your coat.
- Well.
Gosh, you look lovely.
- Oh, thank you.
What a nice place.
I'm not used to a man with such good taste.
- Oh, I'm sure that's not true.
- Oh, it is.
It is.
Janis, if you'll forgive me, I have something I need to take care of in the other room.
I tell you what, why don't you head to the kitchen and select a wine? I wouldn't know what to pick.
Well, all right.
On the counter, you'll find my wine log.
Just select something from Frasier's Favourites.
All right, Kenny, Janis is in the kitchen.
You're free to go.
Go where? To an empty house? An all-night movie? Just walk the streets? All those sound good.
I can't take it anymore.
I'm gonna call her cell phone.
I'll tell her I love her, and demand she come home.
Instead of crying, it's time I started acting like a man.
- Good for you.
- Can you dial for me? My hands are sweaty.
Oh.
Mm.
Oh.
NILES: Daphne.
Daphne, I fixed the exercise machine.
Turns out you didn't bend the frame.
You just popped one of the springs.
- What are you going? - Dr.
Crane insisted I dust all knick-knacks before going out.
FRASIER: Hello, Niles.
- Good God, man.
Just because Daphne lives here doesn't mean she's at your beck and call 24 hours a day.
As soon as we finish our obliques, we're out of here, whether you like it or not.
Tyrant.
- Janis? - Kenny, I'll have to call you back.
Hi.
Have you selected a wine? Uh, Frasier, I'm beginning to have second thoughts about this date.
It's about Kenny.
Lord, you're still thinking about him.
Listen, I know Kenny.
I like Kenny.
- But he's married.
- Well, I know.
And yet he left his loving wife and family at home so he could go trolling bars for women.
- Maybe he regrets that.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
Men always change.
- Are you saying I can't trust him? - No.
I'm saying that you deserve a man who thinks you're as special as I do.
You are very persuasive.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I will be back in one moment.
All right.
Dad, I thought you were gonna clear out tonight.
I've got a date.
Doc, I need you in the bedroom.
Pretty.
- Very funny.
- I'm just gonna take Eddie for a walk and then I'll beat it on over to McGinty's, all right? Dad.
For God's sakes, how many times do I have to tell you? My Chihuly is not a trash can.
All right, Kenny, time to go.
Look at her.
How did I ever let a woman like this get away? I'll tell you what.
Let me work up some preliminary thoughts - over the weekend.
- Look at this one.
It's her at the Grand Canyon.
I ask you, which one is the true natural wonder? Oh, my God.
Yeah, those were the breast-feeding months.
Good times.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hey, Daphne.
- Hey, Roz, come on in.
I can't stay.
I brought you that low-fat cookbook I was telling you about.
- You look nice.
- Thanks.
I'm going to a club tonight.
I got this new perfume that's just loaded with pheromones.
What are those? I don't know.
Some hormone that's supposed to get a guy all excited.
- And you really think it'll work? - It's worth a try.
After all, it is approved by the Food and Love Administration.
Check it out.
- I don't smell anything.
- Really? - No.
- Maybe I should put some more on.
- Do you mind? - No, go ahead.
What kind of person goes out with another man's wife and tears a family apart? - There are children involved here.
- All right.
Now, listen.
Let's not get overly dramatic, all right? God, if you're listening, let me have vengeance on his soul.
- I gotta go.
- No, no, no.
Listen, you're only gonna do something rash.
I'll tell you what, Kenny.
I want you to lie down on the bed.
- What? - Yes.
This is a very effective anger-management technique.
- All right.
- There you go.
Just lean back, close your eyes and count to a hundred thousand.
Frasier, I'm ready for that wine now.
- You're Kenny's wife.
- Oh, God.
- How did you find out? - Well, he's in my bedroom.
- What? - He came here asking for advice.
He thought you were cheating on him.
Which you nearly were.
- I've gotta get out of here.
- Right.
Listen, why did you lie to me? I was angry and hurt and mixed up, and you were so nice to me and I don't know.
Yes.
Right.
Well, listen, you've got to understand something.
Kenny loves you.
Yes, he was attracted to someone, but you've got to forgive him for that.
After all, you were attracted to me.
- That was more revenge.
- Ah.
Well.
That's neither here nor there.
All right, listen, it was nice to meet you.
It was nice to meet you.
I just want to thank you for making an ordinary housewife feel so KENNY: Hey, doc.
- Goodbye.
That anger management's a load of crap.
Kenny, Kenny.
Your wife is not cheating on you.
Don't ask me how I know that.
Maybe it's the hundreds of people I've counselled over the years.
Maybe it's just a hunch.
I don't know.
It's just that, yes, you two have problems.
But they're the kind of problems that people have when they've been in a relationship for a long time.
All you need to do is talk.
I want you to go home.
I'm sure you'll find your wife there waiting for you.
I hope you're right.
- Thanks, doc.
- Oh, anytime.
- That's my wife's purse.
- Hm? That's not your wife's purse.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
I know my wife's purse.
I got it for her birthday.
Lots of women can have the same purse.
Well, if it's not hers, why don't you let me see it? Kenny, I've got to tell you something.
It's a little complicated, and I'm sure that in the future, we'll all have a good laugh over it.
It's just that, well I did not have a date with Janis tonight.
Well, you had a date with someone.
The wine, the fire Yes, yes, I did have a date, but it was with, uh - Roz? - Exactly.
What are you guys talking about? Wow, that stuff really works.
- Maybe I should wipe some of it off.
- Right.
Here, take your purse.
Wait, Frasier, what are you talking about? This isn't my I don't wanna know.
You dog.
By the way, doc, I owe you some chocolates.
I got a little hungry in your room.
I noticed that box of Fanny Farmer's you got stuck between two books.
Thanks again.
I don't keep chocolate in my room.
Roz, get out here.
Try to control yourself.
Who stashed a box of donuts behind Eddie's dog food? - Well, we better get going.
- Okay.
Daphne? Is there something you wanna tell me? I love you? Anything else? I love chocolate.
And pastries.
And, oh, God, I can't stop eating.
I'm out of control.
Come here, come here, come here.
That's all right, my love.
- We're gonna get you through this.
- Of course we will, Daph.
You know, there are professionals who can help.
Yeah, they can wire your jaw shut, staple your stomach, put a balloon in your gut.
Thank you, Dad.
I was referring to something more like a spa, all right? Although you might look into that jaw thing.
Daphne, I think a spa is a wonderful idea.
They can oversee your diet and plan your exercise and help you understand why you're overeating.
Yes.
Most importantly, Daph, you should know that we love you.
- And that you're not alone.
- Oh, thank you.
- Roz.
- No.
You stay right there.
I don't blame you.
I blame the people at Mantastic.