Home Improvement s08e14 Episode Script

Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! - Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And I intend to remain him.
(CHUCKLES) And you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Thank you.
I'm excited.
Today we have a globally significant Tool Time.
We're doing our Tool Time salute (GONG RINGS) - to international relations.
- to international relations.
In today's world, manufacturing superpowers compete for the leading edge in consumer products.
Competition is healthy but so much more can be accomplished if you work together - Al? - harmoniously.
Al! My show, okay? So in the spirit of international brotherhood, we have invited the president of a major Japanese corporation to be our guest, to show us some of their newest inventions.
Let's give a warm Tool Time welcome to Nobo Nakamura.
Welcome to Tool Time.
Or as they say in Japanese (SPEAKING MOCK JAPANESE) You just invited me to frolic in your trousers.
Well, in this light you're kind of an attractive man.
All right, Nobo.
Why don't you show us what's new in Japanese high tech? I would be happy to, Al.
Behold the future! Well, it appears to be a steel rod with a hand on it.
It's called The Lazy Grabber.
You can pick up stuff without having to leave your chair.
Well, I was under the impression that Nakamura Industries was involved in lasers and high-tech stuff like that.
Someone on your staff called Nakamura Novelties.
We specialize in things like the Noodle Guard.
Protection from embarrassing noodle backsplash.
Well, that's bound to turn that Japanese economy right around, huh? Now I'll show you something really state of the art.
I will demonstrate on Al.
This is the all-day tissue dispenser.
For the guy on the go who has to go.
That's just a crappy invention.
You calling my number-one seller crappy? Wouldn't that be your number-two seller? Nobo is not laughing.
Oh, boy, Nobo.
I'll bite.
What the heck is this? This is called the Grin Grabber.
Simply put on your face like this and then with one tug of the string, even grouchiest guy turns into Happy Harry.
That is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
Okay, now you make Nobo mad.
And yet you're smiling.
Hey, Tim, so your family is going away this weekend? - Yeah.
- You want to hang out? - Nope.
- Okay, then.
Nice talking to you.
Al, it has nothing to do with you.
Just being alone this weekend will give me the perfect chance - to write that book for Binford.
- You're still writing that thing? Didn't they give you the advance, like, six months ago? Yes.
And I spent the advance six months ago.
And I just, you know, have to write the book.
- You've done nothing? - Yes! I've done a lot of things.
You plan.
There's planning involved.
You don't just write a book.
You gotta plan.
Make plans.
I made a lot of plans, you know? Like you gotta plan who you'd want to do it if they made a movie out of it.
Okay, let me guess.
Harrison Ford? He knows his tools, but doesn't have my bone structure.
- So what's the deadline? - Monday morning.
I have to have three chapters.
Which gives me, of course, the entire weekend to crystallize my thoughts on love, life, tools, my fascination with them, yin-yang, the dharma of guyness.
You have no idea what to write, do you? I have no idea what to write! Good luck.
- BRAD: Bye, Dad.
See you Monday.
- You guys have a nice weekend.
I'll be fine.
There's plenty of food in the refrigerator.
I need it nice and quiet to get my work done.
- JILL: Bye, Tim! - Yeah.
Okay.
I'll miss you all.
- MARK: See you.
- I'll miss you a lot! - JILL: Miss you, too.
- Miss you.
MARK: Bye.
(WHOOPS) I'm all by myself! Miss you! I can do whatever I want! Anything I want to do.
What do we want to do? Let's think.
What do we want to do? - First - TIM: Take a nap.
Then go to a strip club or a drag race.
Have a snack! Then I'll nap in the chair or the couch.
Chair or couch? Couch! Yes! No.
Gotta write.
Write, write, write, write, write.
Well, I'll just get started.
Okay, okay.
All right.
4:00.
I'll write for four hours straight.
Figure 30 pages per hour, by 8:00, I'm up to 120.
Then I get to eat.
I'm actually ahead of schedule.
So let's eat.
Look at all the food Jill made me.
Macaroni and cheese, pot roast.
Oh, boy! Tuna casserole.
So nice of her.
Yes.
I'd like to order a pizza.
Let's get a large with onions and double sausage.
- That's a little fatty.
- You have turkey sausage? - What are you? A hairdresser? - How about just vegetables? You can't stand vegetables.
Put double cheese on it.
Yeah.
Tim Taylor.
You got my address? Yes.
I rewired the doorbell.
Thank you.
What a wuss! It was only a second-degree burn.
All right.
Okay, all right.
Here we go.
"A.
" "A.
" "B.
" "C.
" "B.
" "C.
" "A.
" "O.
" "O.
" "O.
" "R.
" "A.
" "C.
" (GRUNTING) (PHONE RINGING) Right when I was getting hot! Hello? What? Hi, Mary Lou.
Am I satisfied with my long-distance carrier? - TIM: Tim.
- Suppose.
- Yes.
What? - TIM: Hello? No.
Ma'am? - TIM: Hey, bonehead! - Wait.
Hold it.
This is really a bad time for me.
Okay, Mary Lou, let me get this straight.
In order to get the mid-week discount of four cents a minute Yeah.
Look, I have to call and that following Thursday after 6:00.
Just sign me up! No more phone calls.
TIM: Well, that worked out well,Tim.
Hour and a half on the phone, you saved 26 cents.
Nice chatting with you, too, Cyber Fred.
No! You prove that I'm not Marlon Brando, pal! Cyberspace e-mail! Look at the time! The greatest writers of all time never had a computer.
They used stone tablets and chisels, bark, Latin.
The password is Legal pad.
Paper, pencils.
What makes legal pads legal? Is there such a thing as an illegal pad? (CLEARS THROAT) What's legal about yellow? Pencils are yellow.
It's wood.
That's a nice pencil.
Okay.
Pencil.
Check.
Eraser.
Go.
Lead.
Go.
All systems go, we have liftoff.
(IMITATING ROCKET ENGINE) Throughout history, man has Here we go.
A little hair.
Very good.
Now, see, if this thing was a comic book, I'd have one page done already.
Boy.
That writer's cramp is kicking in.
You know, I'm more of a verbal guy, anyway.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'll dictate my thoughts into a tape recorder, then play them back later and organize them.
Captain's log, 2024.
(IMITATES FART) Spock, was that you? I'm not buying this stuff that Vulcans can't.
There's only two of us in here.
Believe me, that wasn't human.
(EXCLAIMS IMPATIENTLY) Men have different energy than women.
Men have different energy than women.
We're take charge.
We take charge.
- We're go-getters.
- Go-getters! This is ridiculous.
I can't write on the couch.
I gotta go to a place that pumps me up.
- Outside? - Upstairs.
Kitchen, no.
The garage! Bingo-bango-bongo! (DOOR BELL RINGS) But, first, I'll enjoy a little pizza.
Sorry I'm late.
My car broke down.
- Is that a GTO? - Yeah.
I restore old Goats.
Car guy.
I'm building a hot rod in the garage.
A '46 Ford convertible.
- You got time to show it to me? - Do I have time? So I'm gonna powder coat the headers one more time to make sure that - Yeah, yeah, that's what you said.
- Yeah.
- The top is all The whole thing was - I know.
- The German canvas.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- I should really go.
- Hey! I spent this whole time talking about the hot rod.
What do I know about you? I mean, what's new in the pizza business? Well, we're thinking about branching into thick crust.
Yeah.
Well, you're gonna have to get bigger thermal bags.
Yeah.
We kind of thought of that.
Well, you know, I should get back to writing, I guess.
Unless you need someone to go on a delivery with you.
Oh, no.
I'll be all right.
There you go.
Three pounds of cheese and a forty-year-old colon.
Perfect.
(FART SOUND) (FART SOUND) Well, that worked.
(EXHALES LOUDLY) KENNY:In an amazing development, Tim Taylor's book has sold 12 million copies before even hitting the shelves.
Now on tomorrow's show, the man who wrote Man is going to teach us what it means to be a man, and also make us better women for it.
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
That's tomorrow.
Folks, I want to apologize.
Instead of getting a literary genius like Tim Taylor, we're stuck tonight with Jack Nicholson and Marlon Brando.
(AUDIENCE GROANING) Next week, Pulitzer Prize-winning author Toni Morrison is here, not to read from her latest book, but from the much anticipated bestseller by Tim Taylor.
KENNY: This makes it the best-selling volume in the world, second only to the Bible.
Mrs.
Taylor, can you tell us anything about your husband's book? I'm sure that it's gonna be a brilliant study of the male psyche.
Tim is truly a visionary.
And he's great in bed.
I think it's great that my dad has written this important book.
And by the way, ladies, I definitely have some of that greatness in my genes.
Dad wrote a book? I'll believe it when I see it.
Tim, Tim, you must be so excited tonight.
Hey, you're Kenny the pizza guy.
Not anymore.
Now I'm Kenny the on-air personality.
So you won't be needing a tip then, huh? Well, Tim, for selling so many copies, the publisher has two big surprises for you.
- I like them.
- A check for 10 million dollars and the keys to a brand new Ferrari.
- You're kidding! - KENNY: Not so fast.
Before we let you drive away, you're gonna have to read us a few passages from your highly anticipated book.
Well, I'd love to, Kenny.
Plenty of places for autographs here.
And notes, you know, personal notes, little letters you want to write to yourself.
- Oh, no! - TIM: There's nothing in this book! Nothing! What a hack! Who are we kidding? This man's a loser.
Tomorrow's show, celebrities who feel betrayed by Tim Taylor.
(SCREAMING) (EXCLAIMS) Coffee.
Joe.
Java.
And lots of it.
Hey, Wilson.
You're up late.
What are you doing on the old Studebaker? Changing the oil? Flushing the radiator? What? I'm just changing my oil.
Then I'm gonna wash my windshields.
All right! What do you say we pop in a new motor and rebuild the transmission? - Gum? - Well, no, thank you.
My goodness, you're awfully peppy for this time of night.
Peppy, peppy, peppy.
Do you think peppy's just a male trait? Or is it a universal trait for all people, all times, huh? Want some gum? No, thank you, Tim.
And if I might suggest it, you seem to be three sticks to the wind.
No.
No sticks.
No wind.
No nothing.
I've just been drinking a lot of coffee.
Lot of coffee.
A lot of caffeine.
Lot of coffee.
See, I just got about 36 hours to finish three chapters of my book.
- Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, take a breath.
- Let me finish.
Now, how much writing have you actually gotten done? Well A paragraph.
- I hope it's a good paragraph.
- Stinks.
Maybe you're being too critical of your work.
No.
Even the pizza guy hated it.
What's the matter with me? I got a lot of good ideas up here in the old nugget.
Just can't seem to get them to come down my neck, over the shoulder, through the arm and into the hand.
The hand You know, it's odd there's so much space between your index finger and your thumb.
There could be a lot more fingers right in there.
Well, Tim, it sounds to me like you've got a classic case of a writer's block.
What exactly are you trying to write about? Men.
Who they are.
What makes them tick.
- First I wrote that all men are predators.
- Well, that's a start.
Yes, yes.
It's a start.
But then I thought about Al's family.
And the only predator there is his mom.
Then I wrote that all men are consumed with speed and power.
Then I thought about you.
You still use a manual lawnmower.
Then I spent the rest of the night just making crank phone calls.
You know? Hey, ever taken a bus? Well, you better give it back! You know, Tim, I'm reminded of the playwright George Bernard Shaw.
He said, "The man who writes about himself in his own time "is the only man who writes about all people and about all time.
" Nice car.
What were you just saying? Well, I'm just saying that it's a daunting task to write about all men, because no two men are exactly the same.
You might be more successful writing about one man.
Like that famous guy Seymour Butts! - Why do I even try? - I know what you're saying.
I should just write about me, Tim "The Tool Man.
" WILSON: Exactly.
I'll give that a shot.
- Sure you don't want some gum? - No.
It's interesting, though, gum.
The origin of the word "gum.
" Think about it.
Think about it.
Gumby, who's made of clay, huh? - They didn't call him Clayby, did they? - Go! TIM: Who wants to write about feelings? Well, maybe other guys feel the same way.
I wonder how they feel about feelings.
One chapter done.
I really gotta get that clock fixed.
Nothing's going to keep me from finishing this book.
Except maybe those 12 cups of coffee I drank.
No, that's an excuse, Tim.
I've gotta keep writing.
I have to finish this book so others have something to read in the bathroom, which leads me to Chapter 3.
"Men Who Read in the Bathroom and the Women Who Need to Vent.
" (EXCLAIMS) Three chapters done.
Seven minutes ahead of schedule.
Well, maybe it's time for one more chapter.
No.
Well, maybe I'll just knock out the dedication.
All right.
This book is about men.
It's for men.
And it's dedicated to me.
(GRUNTING) - "Men, the Prologue.
" - It gets better.
"Beginning this book wasn't an easy task.
"But through my struggles I learned that a man should trust his instincts.
"He should face his fears instead of avoiding them.
" Keep reading.
Come on.
"Men shouldn't be afraid to talk to other men about their feelings "as long as it's in the garage.
" "See photos on page eight, 15 and back flap.
" All right, forget that.
Move on to Chapter 2.
Okay.
"Nothing makes you feel more like a man than being a father.
"And nothing makes a man more scared than being a father.
"That's where the challenge is.
" That's pretty good, Dad.
Can't wait to finish it.
That's because men are impatient.
So are you gonna analyze everything I say from now on? There's an example of a man becoming defensive.
And here's an example of a man avoiding confrontation.
- Dad, why are you following me? - Well, 'cause some men are followers.
We have a globally significant Tool Time today.
I don't know.
I don't think so.
Pizza boy hated it, too.
I got a lot of good ideas in my head.
I just can't (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)