Roseanne s08e14 Episode Script

( harmonica wails ) Hey, David, you still looking for an apartment? Remember, if you find one with a stove, You're gonna have to learn how to cook.
Oh, that's not necessarily true, Mark.
As I recall, your trailer has a reading lamp.
All these apartments are much much too expensive.
I'm gonna have to find a better job than busboy.
( scoffs ) this is Lanford, David.
Unless the pin setter at the bowling alley dies, You've got the best job in town.
You could get a trailer like becky's And then just hook it up to your truck And haul it wherever the crops are ready for pickin'.
- hey, don't start with me, Darlene.
- yeah.
Yeah, the trailer stays parked.
That's why it's called a "trailer park.
" - now, what's wrong with Lanford? - well, for one thing, Becky's neighborhood is leaking transmission fluid Into the water supply.
Why get a job anyway? Why don't you have miss hotshot here Set you up in a fancy apartment In some great city? Huh? Where are you going to after you graduate, Darlene? New york? Paris? London? Ooh, somebody's been reading hard rock t-shirts.
Look, she's a little bit bummed about Darlene Getting that big job offer.
I think she feels like she's in a rut.
( scoffs ) sorry if i'm doing okay While her life is a miserable failure.
All right, all right, i'll go downstairs And try and think of something positive to say about her life.
If you don't hear from me till christmas, Buy yourselves something nice.
You gotta understand, Mark, Becky was always the big achiever in the family.
Yeah, but she's got to understand That we've achieved a lot too.
I mean, we've got our own place now, we've got a car, We've got a cd player.
And i'm sure there's stuff i'm not even remembering.
( sighs ) - I just had a great idea.
- really? You remember it? Why don't you guys come down to the trailer for a party tomorrow? A whole bunch of us all together? Wouldn't that attract coyotes? No, it'll be great.
You can say how nice she's fixed up the trailer.
You can compliment her a lot.
It's just what she needs.
- hey, i'll buy some beers.
- well Usually, I don't drink during the week unless-- Well, actually, there are no restrictions.
Hey, come on, it'll be great.
Believe me, this is just what she needs.
Hey-- hey, wait a minute.
I think I found something I can afford With the money i'm making right now.
Listen to this: Basement apartment, fully furnished, $125 a month.
Wow.
See if there's a phone number.
Mrs.
Conner was just seeing if there was any interest out there.
Really, there's no rush, David.
( theme music playing ) ( Roseanne laughs ) Is somebody coming over? What? No.
Tonight? No.
I mean, you never know, right? But no, uh There are three bowls of peanuts set out.
Who's coming over, Mark? Nobody.
God, don't be so suspicious.
I mean, i'm not the one on trial here.
Roseanne: surprise! Hey You should have seen the look on your face! - is the whole family coming? - yeah, and they invited some people from the trailer park.
Oh, so that's why they were running That can of deodorant back and forth out there.
Art and karen are letting us use their trailer for coats.
Come on, Deej.
Well, I better go change out of my work clothes.
Excuse me, mom.
Sorry, dad.
She didn't exactly seem too thrilled about us being here.
Maybe we should just go home.
Oh, no way.
Becky feels like crap about her life right now, But she's not gonna do anything to change it Till we light a fire under her.
So tonight, we are going to pounce Like sharks on a cramping swimmer.
It'll be fun! You have a sickness.
Obviously, the evil little guy in your head Finally beat up the good little guy And chucked him out the ear hole.
Woman, Dan! Evil little woman In my head! Bev: yoo-hoo! Is this the one? All these tin traps look the same! And just to make sure that Becky will end up Feeling really crappy about her life, - I invited mom too.
- ( whistles ) Come on in! Find me an empty lap, fellas, bev's here.
Okay, now listen.
This is the plan: We're gonna try to make Becky feel really really good About her life, okay? So think of some really great things to say about the place.
Well, it must be nice to vacuum the entire house And never have to change outlets.
Yeah! That's great, mom.
But save it.
Wait till Becky gets back here.
Hi, grandma.
You've never been to my place before, have you? No, and it's lovely.
It proves you can do a lot With very very very little.
Bev, can I get you a drink? We got wine, beer-- Beer.
Beer? I'm in a.
A.
And besides, I never drank beer.
When I drank, it was wine.
And I miss it.
I'll have a glass of red wine, thank you, Dan.
No problem.
Only 12 steps away.
I'll be very careful not to spill, dear.
I don't think they make this kind of carpet anymore.
All right.
I've been thinking all day of nice, uplifting things I can say to Becky.
Oh, great.
Can I buy one off ya? Darlene, where should I put this beer? Oh, go ahead and put it in the kitchen.
Unless, of course, we're already in the kitchen.
Hey, come on in, everyone! ( all chattering ) - excuse me.
- sorry.
Mark! You said a couple of people.
Yeah, but that's only a couple of people By the true definition of the word "people.
" Well, maybe you and your girlfriend should come over and have dinner sometime.
Are you a jew? - no.
- catholic? - no.
- queer? - no.
- maybe you and your girlfriend Should come over for dinner some night.
Hey, mom, why don't you tell Becky how much you like her curtains? Mm, the curtains.
Oh, how fun! Most people are not creative enough Except to use them in the shower.
Hey, would you stop flirting with me? I'm a married woman.
I'm-- i'm sorry, you guys.
This isn't exactly the best place to have a party.
Hey, i'm having a great time.
I just wonder what the poor people are doing tonight.
Mark, your toilet's overflowing! Damn it! That only happens because people put too much paper in here! - ( Mark gags ) - the water's coming this way! You better stop it before it gets to the carpet in here.
Why doesn't everybody in the kitchen Take their shoes off and sop it up with their socks? - that's a good idea.
- Mark! Uh, you're right.
Bad idea.
I better, uh Jack up this end of the trailer.
Well, Becky, cheer up.
You've still got friends.
- a toast to Becky! - Becky! The richest woman in Lanford! I'd like to thank you all for being here On the worst night of my life.
( crying ) excuse me.
Pardon me.
- dad, sorry.
- ( Dan grunts ) - yeah.
- ( thuds ) Well, becky's certainly Got her knickers in a twist.
Yeah.
And it's all your fault, mom, Because you're such a passive-aggressive witch.
I owe you a brunch.
Excuse me.
Excuse me! Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- here, take him.
- mm-hmm.
Hi, baby.
- Roseanne: move! - ( thuds ) How did I end up like this? This isn't exactly where I expected to be at 21.
I know.
Well, it's all mark's fault! If he hadn't wasted the last four years of my life I'd be the one getting big job offers.
Sure wouldn't be living in this hellhole.
You can't go blaming all the problems you got on Mark.
I mean, true, they started when you met him.
And they have continued The whole time you've been with him.
And he was too dumb to know that the party tonight Would totally embarrass you like it did, but Where was I going with this? - that it isn't mark's fault.
- exactly.
Well, it's your fault! Why didn't you stop me from marrying him? Hey, you eloped, remember? We did what we could to stop you.
And besides, that was the night That the season premiere of "cop rock" was on.
( sighs ) what am I gonna do, mom? Oh, Becky.
You still have a lot of time To figure out what it is that's gonna make you happy, Figure out how to do it, And then go ahead and do it, you know? Don't waste what you got like I did.
You know, it's-- it's too late for me, But, you know, you're still young, Becky.
Well, i'm already 21.
I'm too old.
( sighs ) to marry jerry seinfeld, yes.
But To do anything else on earth, no.
You know, Becky, we'll be there And we'll support you and help you, whatever we can do, But you're the one that's gonna have to-- You know, make the change yourself.
Thanks, mom.
- ( rattling, shaking ) - oh my god! I can't believe he's actually jacking up the trailer.
Why don't you just tell him To pull that cork out of the hole in the floor? You threw a nice party, Mark.
Oh, well, you looked a little bit bummed out lately.
I thought it would cheer you up.
Thanks, it did.
( tv chattering ) Mark Oh, sorry.
Mark, this is something i've never shown to you.
It's from the university of Illinois, I applied there when I was a senior.
Man, the post office sucks.
- ( tv turns off ) - well, I was accepted, Mark.
But we got married and moved to minneapolis And now sometimes I wonder what would have happened If I had gone to college instead.
Well, I can tell you what would've happened.
It would have taken us four years longer to get where we are today! Look.
I want to go to college, Mark.
I want to be a-- a paramedic Or a physical therapist or-- Wait, wait, you want to be like a doctor? Yeah! Yeah, well Maybe, I don't know.
I don't know, the sky's the limit.
Becky, this is crazy.
You're talking about a lot of money here, and moving.
Hey, look, I know it'll be hard, But it'll be exciting.
Where's this coming from all of a sudden? - what about the plans we had? - we never had plans, Mark.
You go to work, I go to work, We go to my parents on sundays.
Every week is the same and will be for the rest of our lives.
What about our plans to start a family? Or have you forgotten that we've been trying like hell to have a kid.
Actually, Mark, I want to go back on the pill.
( stammers ) what? But it was loads of fun trying, big guy.
I can't believe all that sex was for nothing! - come on, Mark.
- no, Becky.
You don't want to have a baby and you hate your life.
What's going on? Nothing! I've just been thinking about things And I got to talking to mom tonight, and you know-- I knew it! I knew your mother had something to do with this.
Man, she is playing us like a fine wine! Well, she has a point, Mark.
I mean, what if I was pregnant? I'd be trapped just like her.
And I don't want to spent the rest of my life Raising kids in a trailer park! It's a mobile home community.
Hey, i'm sorry If I sprang this on you too suddenly.
But do you have any idea what this will mean for us? Yep.
Yep.
I know what it means, all right.
( baby voice ) who's got the cutest little face In this whole family? Huh? Who's got da prettiest, cutest wittle face in dis whole family? ( adult voice ) you do, mother.
( baby voice ) well, thank you very much! - ( Roseanne cooing ) - hey, can I talk to you for a minute? ( baby voice ) what you wanna talk about, Mark? I just have one thing to say to you: Get the hell out of our lives! You got it? Pretty gutsy there, Mark.
But you know that David and goliath Was just a story they made up to sell bibles.
You have no right to tell Becky That she should do stuff to change her life.
Why? She's pretty well wasted it up till now, don't you think? Maybe it hasn't been perfect, okay? But it's been pretty good.
There's no reason for her to go to college To become a physical therapist or a doctor or Something.
Doctor, huh? Wow, way to go, Becky.
Now, all I have to do is to create a lawyer And a union plumber And I shall control the world! It's gonna ruin everything.
How, Mark? How is having a successful wife who is a doctor Gonna ruin everything? Well, she's talking about me quitting my job already And us moving out of Lanford.
Well, no need to fear, Mark.
I'm sure that your mcdonald's game pieces Are negotiable in other states.
And we were gonna start having a family.
Now all of a sudden she wants to wait.
And she decides all this without even talking to me.
- you mean, she didn't talk to you about any of that? - no no.
She just went ahead and made all these ridiculous plans without me.
And let me ask you this: How's she gonna go to college, go to work, And still have time for me? I don't know.
She's a real strong person, Mark.
- i'm sure if anybody can do it, she can.
- mm.
Do you think she can do it alone? Oh, alone? Why, Mark? Are you gonna leave her over this? I would not leave your daughter for anything.
So, what? Are you scared that she's gonna leave you? Well, she's been cutting me out of everything else! ( sighs ) don't worry about it, Mark.
It's just the usual Becky selfishness.
I'll go over there and talk to her.
No no no! That's the whole point! I came over here to tell you to butt out of our lives And to leave us alone! - hey.
- hey, what are you doing here? Well, I just thought I-- you know, wanted to talk to you about More stuff.
That's not necessary, mom.
I'm way ahead of you.
Look, I figure i'm a lock at u of I Because they accepted me before.
Now for grad school, i'm thinking maybe University of Chicago or northwestern.
What do you think? - well, I think it's fantastic, but-- - yeah, me too.
- and i'm also thinking of-- - but! What's the "but"? Mark is the "but.
" ( sighs ) No, I must keep going with my point.
Mark is totally freaking out Because you haven't even consulted him In all these plans you've been making.
He talked to you? No, it's more than that.
He came over and he, uh Actually stood up to me.
But luckily for him I had already eaten.
What are you getting at, mom? I think you're being a little selfish here, Becky.
And I think, you know, maybe you're gonna mess up your marriage.
Oh, please, mother.
My marriage is gonna be just fine.
Well, then how come Mark has this feeling Like he's gonna be left behind? Mark's not gonna be left anywhere.
- okay, so-- - you don't know what you're talking about.
So you're totally determined that you're gonna stay with Mark, then? I asked you a question.
Oh my god.
So in your head it's already over? No.
I don't know.
Hey, you're the one who got me going to change my life.
Yeah, but I didn't mean that you should Throw out all these other parts of your life Just because you get a new idea, Becky! You gotta give Mark a chance, at least.
I mean, marriage is a big deal, you know? Mark really loves you.
You don't want to mess this up.
Hey, trust me.
Everything's gonna be okay.
- you know, it's one thing to say that-- - mom! Everything's gonna be okay.
Now i'm gonna go to the office supply store.
You need anything? An office.
( door opens ) - hey.
- hey.
- where you going? - i'm going to get some envelopes and stamps For those college applications.
I'll be right back.
What are you doing here? I thought I told you to butt out.
Now I find you here and she's gone off to get more college stuff.
Okay, but you're totally wrong About Becky, Mark.
Because she has no plans to leave you at all.
She wants to do all this with you.
Mrs.
Conner, let me ask you this: How many mechanics do you know That are married to doctors? Congratulations, Mrs.
Conner.
You've really worked this out pretty well for yourself, haven't you? You get a doctor in the family, And you finally get rid of me.
Deep down, don't tell me you're not happy about it.
Now I gotta work in the morning.
( theme music playing ) Hi, i'm David healy.
You've been assigned to be my employment counselor, - Mr.
, uh - parkin.
I've been reviewing your file Hey, Mr.
Parkin! You're the guy Mrs.
Conner got fired from the buy-and-bag.
Conner? You know Roseanne c-- conner? I-- I thought you worked at that restaurant that we ate at last week.
I did! But thanks to your ms.
Conner I was fired from there too! She got me so upset I Broke a glass.
You got fired for breaking a glass? Into her salad.
Well, uh That-- that won't affect our relationship, will it? You listen to me, you snot-nosed little bastard! You're associated with the conners? ( yelping ) There's no jobs here for you! Get out! Parkin, what the hell is wrong with you? He's one of them.
He's a conner! I don't care who he is, you are fired.
Of course I am.
This isn't over.
This is far far from over.
Could you hand me my nameplate, please? ( theme song playing )