Seinfeld s08e14 Episode Script

- The last president to have a beard? - Nixon.
- No, I mean a real thick beard.
- His was thick.
No, I mean like a full, long beard, like Smith Brothers Cough Drops.
Falkmore.
- Who? - Artemis N.
Falkmore.
- You made that up, right? - Yeah.
- But it sounds like a president name? - Yeah.
Why do presidents all have bad names? Woodrow, Grover, Millard.
The presidency attracts the badly named.
Their ambition is based on personal insecurity.
It's classic male overcompensation.
Are you wearing lifts in those shoes? Cab.
So they have this clock now, where you punch in your age and all your risk factors and it actually counts down how much time you have left to live.
What's the great moment? On your deathbed.
They're pounding on your chest, and you're going: "Ten, nine, eight I told you this thing was good.
" - I can't believe this is our first date.
- I know.
Dessert? I suppose I have to get a piece of cake.
- Why? - Today is my birthday.
What? Today? - Really? - Yep.
So she went out with you on a first date and it was her birthday? Yeah, and she picked the day.
Is she socially awkward? No, she's great.
- She's attractive and fun.
- Well, maybe she decided to celebrate her birthday on the Monday after the weekend.
She's not Lincoln.
Hey.
Anybody up for Lorenzo's pizza? - I'll pass.
- Oh, really? Hey, George.
Pizza.
I can't.
I gotta go down to the foundation.
I'm interviewing high schoolers for the Susan Ross Scholarship.
Does it ever bother you that this organization - Nope.
is beating the bushes - No.
to basically give this money away - No.
to virtually anyone as long as they're not you? I'm fine with it.
Fine, I say.
And then I received a 740 on the English Achievement Test.
Quick, what's your favorite animal? I don't know.
Frog? Frog? - Well, l - Frog is wrong.
I see here that you play the harp.
Tell me, why do they have to tilt it? Can't they just build it on an angle? Save you a lot of trouble.
Well, the modern-day harp has been refined over thousands of years back to - Yeah, yeah, we'll let you know.
I see your GPA is 4.
0.
You like that, don't you? So, Steven, I see you're president of the chess club.
State champs.
Who's your favorite chess player? Nastercoff? Right.
Nastercoff.
What country is he from again? I don't know.
I made it up.
I'm never gonna get this thing.
What are you telling me for? You really had me going there.
Come on, sit down.
What do you want to do when you grow up? Well, I've been telling people that I'd like to be an architect.
So get this, Mr.
Peterman is finally letting me do some real writing.
He's got this book deal for his autobiography.
He's gonna let me ghostwrite it.
Wow, that's great.
When it comes out l'll have to get someone to ghost-read it.
- Hey.
Oh, hi.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- So there I am at Lorenzo's loading up my slice at the fixings bar.
Garlic and whatnot.
When I see this guy over at the pizza boxes giving me the stink eye.
So I give him the crook eye back, you know? And I notice that he's not alone.
I'm taking on the entire Van Buren Boys.
- Van Buren Boys? - Yeah.
There's a street gang named after President Martin Van Buren? Oh, yeah, and they're just as mean as he was.
So I make a move to the door, you know? They block it.
So I lunge for the bathroom.
I grab the knob.
Occupied.
Then they back me up against the can'toon map of Italy and all of a sudden they just stop.
What? What happened? Because I'm still holding the garlic shaker, like this: I'm only showing eight fingers.
- Well, what does that mean? - That's their secret sign.
See, Van Buren, he was the eighth president.
They thought I was a former Van B Boy.
- How was the pizza? - It was a little oily.
Jerry, can you hold on a sec? I just wanna check my messages.
Oh, Melissa, Kim.
- Ellen.
- Hey.
I want you to meet Jerry.
Oh, we've heard a lot about you.
It is so sweet of you to take her out.
Yeah, you don't even know how much she needs this.
Is she coming off a bad breakup? No.
See you.
- Get your messages? - Yeah.
No one called.
They acted like it was some act of charity, going out with her.
So she's the loser of the group.
Every group has someone that they all make fun of.
Like us with Elaine.
There's no way Ellen is the loser of that group.
Are you looking deep down at the real person underneath? No, I'm being as superficial as I possibly can.
- Well, stick with it.
- Yeah.
- I found someone for the scholarship.
- Yeah? I'm interviewing all these annoying little overachievers and finally this kid walks in, Steven Koren, a regular guy.
Likes sports, watches TV.
- Is he smart? - He knows how to read.
And he also knows that finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything.
But get this: He's into architecture.
Hey, just like you pretend to be.
Yes, with a little guidance Steven Koren is going to be everything I claim to be, only for real.
That's my dream, Jerry.
I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.
Mr.
Peterman, thanks for having me over.
L Your place isn't quite what I imagined.
Oh, it's just a place to flop.
Well, what part of your life do you want to start with? Foreign intrigue? Exotic romances? Oh, Elaine, we've covered all of that in the catalog, ad nauseam.
No, I would like this book to be about my day-to-day life.
Oh, damn, they changed the cable stations again just when I finally memorized them.
- Well, Mr.
Peterman, do you want to? - Two: CBS.
- Get started? - Three I don't know what that is.
Where's my damn preview channel? Well, I gotta tell you, Mr.
Peterman I don't know if I see a whole book here.
Well, I'm sure we'll come up with something.
What do you say you and I order ourselves a pie? Do you like Lorenzo's? A friend of mine almost got beat up at that place by the Van Buren Boys.
- You don't say? - Yeah.
The only thing that saved him is he accidentally flashed their secret gang sign.
- Well, that's pretty exciting.
- Yeah.
Let's put that in the book.
But that didn't happen to you.
Well, so we pay off your friend, and it becomes a Peterman.
No, I really don't think you can do that.
Oh, damn, I forgot to buy plant food again.
I'll bet I got a coupon for it.
You know what? Maybe I better talk to my friend.
Is that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday? No, this is brand-new.
Do you like it? Actually, yeah.
Wait a second.
Is that the fork that fell on the floor? Are you using the fork that fell on the floor? No, Jerry, the waitress gave me another one.
I guess that's all right.
- Is something wrong, Jerry? - No, absolutely nothing.
You're fantastic.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Kramer, George, this is Ellen.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to introduce you to the first Susan Ross Scholar.
This is Steven Koren.
His GPA is a solid 2.
0.
Right in that meaty part of the curve.
Not showing off, not falling behind.
George, the qualifications for this scholarship were supposed to be largely academic.
I'm sure we're all aware of the flaws and biases of standardized tests.
These aren't standardized tests.
These are his grades.
Besides, Steven Koren has the highest of aspirations.
He wants to be an architect.
Is that right? Actually, maybe I could set my sights a little bit higher.
Steven, nothing is higher than architect.
I think I'd really like to be a city planner.
Why limit myself to one building when I can design a whole city? - Well, that's a good point.
- No, it's not.
Isn't an architect just an art school dropout with a tilting desk and a big ruler? It's called a T-square.
You know, the stupidest guy in my fraternity became an architect after he flunked out of dental school.
Congratulations, young man.
Susan would be very proud of what you're doing.
Thank you.
And they made it their sign because Van Buren, our eighth president was the man they most admired.
Kramer, my friend, that is one ripping good yarn.
You know, if you liked that one, I got more.
What are you looking for? Romance? Comedy? Adventure? Erotica? No, Kramer, I don't think How much would you take for the whole lot? - My whole life? - Name your price, man.
$ 1500.
- I'll give you half that.
- Done.
Kramer, my friend, you consider Elaine at your disposal.
Okay.
Well, I I like to work in the evenings.
Would you please just get on with the stupid Bob Sacamano story? Well, I'm on the phone with Bob, and I realize right then and there that I need to return this pair of pants.
So I'm off to the store.
What happened to Bob Sacamano? Well, nothing.
His part of the story is done.
I'm waiting for the subway.
It's not coming.
I decided to hoof it through the tunnel.
Well, now, that's something.
I don't know if I lost track of time or what.
- The next thing I knew - A train is bearing down on you? No, I slipped and fell in mud ruining the very pants I was about to return.
I don't understand.
You were wearing the pants you were returning? Well, I guess I was.
What were you gonna wear on the way back? Elaine, are you listening? I didn't even get there.
- All right.
Next story.
- I think I've got enough for one day.
- Yeah, chew on that.
- I'll chew on that.
Hey, listen.
By the way, I'm hosting a little get-together tonight in honor of my little financial upturn.
Oh, thanks, I've got plans.
Yeah, Elaine, you should be there to document it.
Oh, you're getting together with some of your jackass friends? - You want me to take notes? - Yeah, but get there after 9.
You know, give the people a chance to loosen up.
So you're denying him the scholarship because he wants to be a planner? I was betrayed.
That kid was like a son to me.
If there's one person you should be able to hold down it's your own flesh and blood.
Like my father and my father's father before him.
You know, maybe philanthropy is not your field.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Ellen.
Yeah, I called the hotel.
- We're set for the weekend.
- Spending the weekend with Ellen? Vermont.
You know, we can stay an extra couple of days if we want.
Four days at a beautiful bed-and-breakfast.
I can't wait.
Bye-bye.
What? What is this? - You wanna start? - No, no, no.
You go ahead.
I gotta get my thoughts together.
Jerry, this whole Ellen situation has gone far enough.
- What? - Jerry, she's a loser.
Where is this coming from? She's great.
Why are you doing this, Jerry? Is it your career? Things are gonna pick up.
There's nothing wrong with my career.
I like the Bloomingdale's executive training program for him.
We werert gonna discuss that now.
- It's something he should consider.
- Of course he should.
- But now is not the time.
- Listen, these issues are interrelated.
All right.
Excuse me.
I'm not buying any of this.
So, what are you saying? That we're wrong? Everybody's wrong but you.
This is like that Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up and he's the same, and everybody else is different.
- Which one? - They were all like that.
Why did you take away my scholarship, Mr.
Costanza? Well, Steven, I These are my new friends the Van Buren Boys.
He became so disillusioned, he had to join us.
- Nice.
- I want my scholarship back so I can be a city planner.
What about architect, Steven? City planner.
- Great party, K-Man.
- You got that straight.
Elaine, try the beef, because that's real au jus sauce.
Real au jus sauce.
- I'll make a note of it.
- Hey, Kramer.
- Yeah.
- Ramirez has never heard your story.
Oh, okay.
Well, I had Bob Sacamano on the phone and I suddenly realized that l - Hey, Kramer, Kramer.
You can't tell that story now.
It belongs to Peterman.
- What do you mean? - You signed the release.
- Yeah.
- He sat in mud, not you.
- But I did sit in mud.
- You didn't.
You never sat in mud.
I was all dirty.
- It never happened, you understand? - Come on.
- Hey, all right.
Yeah.
- Finish the story? Oh, yeah, well, l Yeah, the pants They They They fit well and so I decided I wasrt gonna return them.
- Getting late.
We better get going.
- Okay.
You're gonna go now? Hey, whoa.
Come I don't Kramer, Kramer, I got big trouble with the Van Buren Boys.
- They're tough cookies.
- I heard that you got on their good side.
What did you do? Oh, nothing, nothing.
No, I certainly don't have any stories if that's what you're implying.
You know what those guys are gonna do? Yeah, well, you didn't hear it from me but the Van Buren Boys, they never hassle their own kind.
You mean, like a former member? These Kramer stories are unusable.
I mean, some of them aren't even stories.
Look, this is the list of things in his apartment.
Is my toaster oven on there? How am I ever gonna turn this into a book? Well, just shape them, change them.
You're a writer.
Yes l'm a writer.
Make them interesting.
Interesting.
Of course.
People love interesting writing.
Well, I gotta go to the airport.
I'm picking up my parents.
What? Werert they just here? Yeah, I'm flying them in to meet Ellen.
I don't know where to turn.
- I gotta see what they think of her.
- Maybe we can have dinner later.
I don't think so.
I'm gonna try to get them to fly right back tonight.
Oh, hey.
Hey, have I told you about my bunions? You're going to love this story.
So I line up my cold cuts on the couch next to me but as I'm stacking them up they keep falling into my footbath.
Kramer, this is awful.
We don't wanna hear about this.
- Damn.
- What? Oh, I bought a bunch of bunion stories from Newman.
But they all stink.
- How much did you pay for them? - Eight bucks.
I think I'm getting ripped off.
Newman! Well, what didn't you like about the first chapter? Well, it started out nicely.
I'm returning some pants a very identifiable problem.
I set off down a train tunnel.
Now, that's where the story takes a most unappealing turn.
Oh, no, no, that's where it gets interesting.
Don't you see? The train is bearing down on you you dive into a side tunnel and you run into a whole band of underground tunnel dwellers.
It just seems so clichéd and obvious.
It's not interesting writing.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
How about if instead of diving from the train, you? I don't know.
You slip and fall in some mud and ruin your pants? The very pants I was returning.
That's perfect irony.
Elaine, that is interesting writing.
I have a Cosmo Kramer on line four.
- Peterman here.
- Mr.
Peterson you gotta sell me my stories back.
You wanna know something? I no longer need them.
No, no, no, Mr.
Peterman, why don't we keep them as a reference.
Nonsense.
I have Benes' wonderfully imaginative mind to spin my stories.
You take back your tales, you vagabond.
There you are, Elaine.
Go forth and create.
And by the way, when you get to that chapter about romantic escapades feel free to toss yourself into the mix.
Hey, Van B Boys.
So, Mr.
Costanza, did you get my scholarship back? Now, fellas, fellas, easy.
Wouldrt wanna beat up on one of your own.
Is that right? Then why don't you flash us the sign? Right.
The sign.
That's not the sign.
It was when I was banging.
All right if you are really one of us let's see you take the wallet off the next guy who walks by.
Love to.
And after college I got my master's at the Sorbonne.
Sorbonne.
Oh, hey, that's in Paris.
Jerry, your parking meter is about to expire.
Don't get up.
I've got change.
- So, what do you think? - Jerry, she is fantastic.
I knew it.
I'm not crazy.
She's so sweet.
And she's got some body on her.
And smart, like a computer.
And so much personality.
But it doesn't matter what we think.
Do you like her? Now I'm not so sure.
She's 10 times better than that awful Amber girl that you were with.
Yeah, Amber.
I wonder if she's back from Vegas.
All right, no more stalling.
Next one or you're meat.
All right.
All right.
- Seinfelds.
- Hey, George.
You gotta do me a favor.
Give me your wallet.
I'll give it back to you later.
How are your folks? Trying to pick out a new couch.
You don't wanna know.
Give me your wallet or I'll spill your guts right here on the street.
What did you say? Come on, hurry up, old man.
I'm an animal.
You're being very rude.
Come on, Morty.
- Please, they're gonna hit me.
- What? George Costanza, what is the matter with you? Tell your parents we said hi.