Frasier s08e15 Episode Script

FRASIER: Roz, to what do I owe the pleasure? A messenger delivered this for you after you left.
It's marked "personal and confidential.
" I thought it might be important.
I already tried that.
Forget it.
We could use some brighter bulbs at the office.
Yes, well, a brighter bulb wouldn't have admitted it.
Let's see.
"Dear Dr.
Crane, enclosed are four tickets to tonight's Sonics game as thanks for your advice on today's show.
Sincerely, Alan from Earlmont.
" That is gonna be a great game.
Take your dad, have a boys' night out.
Niles and I were already having a boys' night out.
We're gonna go see the Northwest Chamber Ensemble's Spring Sing.
After that, a late dinner at Le Cigare Volant.
Oh.
Throw in a couple of strippers, and that still sounds boring.
To think I was gonna offer you these basketball tickets.
Well, can't use them anyway.
I have a date with this French guy, Jean-Pierre.
So that's it, huh? No Americans left.
Very funny.
You know, I hope it goes well, because he doesn't speak any English, and the only French I know is oui and non.
I suppose you'll just be using one of those.
Before you get too clever, you're the one who's going out with his brother.
Have a nice date, Roz.
Dad, I've got something here that I think you might be interested in.
- Whoa! Sonics tickets? - Yeah.
How about that? - Looks like I owe you an apology.
- An apology? Last October, you said we would go to a game together, but I thought that was just a lot of talk.
- Listen, Dad, I intended to - It doesn't matter how long it took.
You came through.
That's what's important.
- Glad to see you so excited.
- Who wouldn't be? Look where we're sitting.
Frasier, you're the best.
Listen, Dad, there's something you should know.
- You're paying for the snacks.
- All right.
Well, we better get going.
Who are the other two tickets for? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Well, they're for Niles and Daphne, of course.
But I made the arrangements so long ago, I didn't anticipate Daphne going for her master's degree at the fat academy.
You know, Dad, why don't I let Niles in and then you can go get ready, all right? I am ready.
Don't you wanna take your big foam finger? No, I got some nacho cheese on it last time.
It smells kind of funky.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
This is gonna be fun.
Oh, hi.
For a moment, I thought you'd left.
- You got the tickets? - Right here! We're good to go.
- Dad's going with us? - Yes, all three of us.
Well, we'd better get a move on.
I like to get there early, see the players warm up.
Hey, me too.
What a surprise this is.
Yes.
Just you wait.
[CROWD CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
FRASIER: Here we are, Row 4.
Tell you what, why don't we let Dad sit between us? - There we are.
- That's a good idea.
ANNOUNCER: Now entering the game for the Sonics, number 31, Rick Barry.
This is like those family road trips that Dad used to drag us on.
Uncomfortable seats, sticky floors, underlying threat of violence.
How ever did we get through those? - Games, mostly.
- Ah.
Licence-plate spotting, I Spy, throwing up.
No, Niles, that wasn't so much a game as an activity.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
ANNOUNCER: Basket! - Hey, guys.
- Oh, hi, Dad.
Sold the other ticket.
Good.
What did you get for it? These three frosty fellas, and a chilidog that didn't make it.
- Thank you.
- Great, I haven't missed much.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with V.
- Vagabonds.
- No.
- Vittles.
- No.
Vienna sausages.
Where do you see Vienna sausages? I thought maybe that vendor might Vendor, vendor.
Excellent, Niles.
Your turn.
I spy with my little eye Would you cut it out? I'm trying to watch the game.
- We're just playing I Spy, Dad.
- I know, and it is distracting.
We used to do it all the time on family vacations.
And it was distracting then, so cut it out or it'll end up like our family trip to Arizona.
You mean, you'll turn around in your seat and almost drive the arena into the Grand Canyon? Tell you what, Dad, here, why don't you switch seats with me? - And that way we won't disturb you.
- Okay, fine.
- Come on.
Here we go.
- Okay.
There's the lady who bought my ticket.
I see you got yourself some suds there.
You know it.
You can't watch the Sonics without a beer or two.
Especially this season, you know what I'm saying? Yes.
Right on.
I spy Come on, Baker! Move that side of beef down there and play some defence! That's right.
Put it back.
Yeah! [CROWD CHEERING.]
Switch seats with me.
Come on, hustle! Let's see a little ball movement! I'm going to say no.
There is no way I'm enduring this for however long this thing lasts.
I know.
Dad, Dad, I'm sorry.
My leg is getting a little stiff.
Would you mind switching seats with me so I can stretch it out? Stiff leg, huh? Must have been that bullet you had pumped into you while stopping a robbery.
Oh, no, wait, that was me.
Dad? Oh, all right, all right.
This is the last time I'm moving.
All right, excuse me.
You go in there and I'll step through here.
FRASIER: Hold it.
- My leg is very tender.
Yes.
Oh, well, that's better.
Niles, my legs are much longer than yours.
- So? - So I should be sitting in that seat.
- Well, I'm not switching.
- It was mine to begin with.
Well, I'm still not switching.
- I spy with my little - Then I'm not playing.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Now what are you doing? Staving off chapping.
It's very dry in here.
I don't have any lip balm.
I do.
Switch seats with me.
My integrity is not for sale.
Suit yourself.
Oh, Niles.
These rich waxy emollients are delightfully soothing.
Oh, all right.
You can have the seat.
- Thank you.
- Give me that thing now.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, check your seat numbers.
At half-time, one lucky fan will be taking your Northwest Cable's half-court shot.
Are you ready? If you're seated in Section 101, Row 4, Seat 2, congratulations.
FRASIER: Good luck, Niles.
- Thanks.
Thanks.
- Great, Niles.
- Excuse me.
Thanks, Dad.
Come on, right this way.
Now, I need you to sign this release form.
- Why? What happens? - Look, nothing.
It's just that so we can use your image on television.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Here.
Great.
Perfect.
Now I need you to put this on.
Okay, here.
Let me undo this.
Absolutely.
- Are you feeling okay? - Oh.
Just, I haven't done a lot of basketballing and I might just be a tad nervous.
Don't worry.
Nobody makes the shot.
That's comforting, except that's I'm not sure I can even roll that far.
[AIR HORN BLOWING.]
Oh, my God.
What the hell was that? It's nothing.
It's just half-time.
Thank God we switched seats.
I mean, that could be me down there.
- Poor Niles.
- What do you mean? Every guy dreams of a chance like this.
Dream or not, Dad, eventually, he's gonna try to take that shot.
You know how Niles throws.
Yeah, and you're Pete Maravich.
I don't know what that means.
It means, instead of criticising him, you might be a little more supportive.
Because no matter what happens down there, he's still your brother and my son.
Here we go.
Hand me his beer.
I'm gonna need it.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, here to attempt your Northwest Cable's half-court shot, from right here in Seattle, Niles Crane! [CROWD CHEERING.]
Here you go, Niles.
Good luck.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Now entering the apartment, a 5'9" psychiatrist from Seattle, Washington.
- Niles Crane! MARTIN: Yay! He shakes, he bakes.
He drives to the coat rack.
He fakes an arm out of the sleeve, he puts it up, it's gone! Thank you, Dad.
- Glass of sherry, Niles? NILES: Please.
He calls glass, and except for the sherry, it's good! Okay, Dad.
FRASIER: Gosh, Niles.
You making that basket tonight was truly astonishing.
And what's even more unbelievable is that you are now the proud owner of a rugged, ram-tough, all-terrain pickup truck.
It occurred to me we could use it to go antiquing.
Ah.
Fourteen messages.
New record.
[MACHINE BEEPS.]
DUKE'S VOICE: Hey, Martin, it's Duke.
Was that Niles on SportsCenter or am I drunk? Call me.
[MACHINE BEEPS.]
FRANK'S VOICE: Marty, it's Frank.
Bad news.
Stosh had another heart attack.
He saw your son make that basket.
It's the greatest thing I ever seen.
Give me a call.
[MACHINE BEEPS.]
STOSH'S VOICE: Hey, Marty, it's Stosh.
Bad news FRANK'S VOICE: I just did that one.
STOSH: I'll call you later.
Make sure you catch SportsCenter.
Congrats.
We'll listen to the rest of them later.
Niles, I can't tell you how great you were tonight.
Well, thanks, Dad, but I wasn't great.
I just walked out on the court and heaved the ball as hard as I could, and the rest was just luck.
That may be so, Niles, but still and all, you did go down and do it.
Not many people could have done that.
I know I always told you boys that sports aren't important, but they are.
And what you did tonight out there makes me really proud.
Thanks.
Good thing I wangled those tickets, hey, Dad? Oh, look, Niles is on TV! I can't believe it.
You made Play of the Week.
We got us a real live celebrity in our own home.
It's up and it's good! NILES: Excuse me.
Nonfat latte to go, please.
Hey, Frasier, mind if I join you? Are you sure? The jocks usually sit over at that table.
This thing? Yes, this was just part of a gift package the Sonics sent over.
I just didn't wanna seem ungrateful.
Not that I owe them anything.
After all, I'm the one that drained it from way downtown.
Yes, so we've been hearing.
NILES: Frasier, don't grouse.
I've earmarked a pair of practise pants for you.
Thank you, Niles, but I like to think I've already mastered pants.
I assume you're gonna select a more appropriate jacket for this evening's concert.
Yeah, about that, Dad wants me to go with him to McGinty's, so he can have me tell the tale.
But we've already rescheduled the concert once.
That was because of you.
It was not because of me, it was because of Dad.
- So is McGinty's.
- Well, it's not the same.
We had an agreement.
If you should choose to dishonour it, there will be consequences.
Why don't we compromise? Let's say we go and have a drink with Dad at McGinty's, and then afterwards proceed on to the concert? Well, I just don't I don't Well, l All right, fine.
- Thank you.
I'll see you later, Frasier.
- Yes.
Wow, Niles.
Finally made varsity after 30 years, huh? Yes, but it's not a real varsity jacket, Roz, so you're under no obligation to sleep with me.
- See you around.
- Take care.
Hi, Frasier.
You may join me if you wish, Roz.
Be forewarned, I'm feeling a bit peevish.
For God's sake, you're like Goldilocks with that latte.
This foam is too hard, this foam is too soft.
No, this is not about latte foam, Roz.
And since Niles made that basket, his head's been getting bigger and bigger.
You have to admit it was pretty amazing.
Amazingly lucky.
But to hear Niles tell it: It all started in a little rubber factory in Sumatra, where an unsuspecting basketball began a journey that would lead to greatness.
So he's milking it a little bit.
You would do the same thing.
I would not.
I would treat it as the chance occurrence it was.
Like finding a terrific parking spot in front of the opera house.
- You bragged about that for weeks.
- It was right in front of the steps, Roz.
You know what I mean, Frasier.
Yes, I suppose I do.
Guess I'll just have to grin and bear it for a little while longer.
ROZ: Here's Jean-Pierre.
Oh, your French beau.
How's that going? - I'm breaking up with him.
- I'm sorry.
- Actually, you're going to do it for me.
- What? Since I don't speak French, I need you to translate, please.
For God's sake Well, all right.
We're having coffee.
Sit down.
I can't imagine why this isn't working.
Jean-Pierre, this is Frasier.
[IN FRENCH.]
ROZ: Now, I wanna do this gently, so will you tell him that I think he's a really nice guy? Uh-huh.
[IN FRENCH.]
- What did he say? - Um He says that he's very fond of you too.
Okay.
Now tell him that these past few weeks have been really fun.
You can go faster, Roz.
Let me do this my way.
Tell him.
He says, "What are you trying to say?" Okay.
Tell him that another time, another place, we might have a shot.
But this just isn't working for me.
Is there any chance you would reconsider? - I don't think so.
- Uh-huh.
- Is he okay? - Yes, Roz, he'll be fine.
But, you know, for his sake I think we should wrap this up, all right? - Jean-Pierre - Roz.
- He says that he'll - Please, Frasier.
Some things don't need to be translated.
So at this point, what were you thinking? Stop tape, please.
I'd have been thinking about that sweet truck.
BARTENDER: Yeah, me too.
- Not me.
If you're focusing on the reward, that's energy you're not using to make the shot.
MARTIN: You know what else? He's donating that truck to the Police Activities League.
[PATRONS APPLAUDING.]
I just want the kids to know it's about the playoffs, not the payoffs.
Is this a great boy or what? You sure I can't pay you for this beer? Your money's no good here.
Half-court Crane's dad doesn't pay for drinks.
Excuse me, Niles, but we have a concert to make.
I know, soon.
I can't leave the fellas hanging, Frasier.
All right, back to the tape.
All right, now, that's about 45 feet to that basket.
You see, I used my whole body.
Form is everything.
You've already made or missed the shot even before you release the ball.
And, of course, we all know the rest of the story.
Yes, yes.
The story is: Once upon a time, Niles Crane accidentally made a basket.
The end! I don't deny there was some luck involved, but as we all know, luck is the residue of design.
Please.
Somehow managing to hurl a ball forward is hardly design.
You're just jealous because I have game and you don't.
Oh, please.
So you think you have game? - I do have game.
- Do you think they're gonna fight? I got news for you, they are fighting.
We'll just see about that.
Barkeep.
What are you doing? I'm gonna challenge Niles to a game of one-on-one on that contraption there.
What do you wanna do that for? Twenty dollars of your cleanest quarters.
What about your concert? You guys better get moving.
Tick, tock.
All right, Frasier, game on.
Wait, it's not worth it.
Sports aren't everything.
All right, hotshot, after you.
Let's go half court.
Put it up, baby.
Thank you, thank you.
I appreciate the support, but I think I might throw better with fewer voices.
Well, obviously I'm accustomed to shooting from further back.
Yes, and just once.
Allow me.
All right, all right, your turn.
All right.
I believe I'm warmed up now.
Yeah, I hit the round part and that's worth a half a point.
- I think I could use another beer.
- That will be 2.
95.