Desperate Housewives s08e16 Episode Script

Previously on Tom and Lynette drifted further apart, and Jane took advantage.
I'm scared.
Roy helped Karen face her cancer.
We're done.
I'm the one that decides when we're done.
The loan shark threatened Renee.
But Mike stepped in.
- I don't ever wanna see you again.
- Then you shoulda killed me.
Bree discovered the truth about Orson You wrote the letters? You killed Chuck? And cut off all contact with him.
Don't you ever call my house again.
I can assure you this is the last you'll hear from me.
But Orson had the last word.
In our neighborhood, there are people we see every day, and every day, we take them for granted.
As we go about our lives, we may be busy with a mundane task and miss one another completely.
Or we might give a polite wave, only to return to what we were doing.
One minute, we're spending time with a loved one and the next, we're wrapped up in our work.
Or preoccupied with our own problems.
What a shame these neighbors take each other for granted because in just a few days one of these people will be dead.
That afternoon, old friends got together to share coffee and gossip and to discover Is there a cup for me? That they were still old friends after all.
So Orson was behind everything Chuck, the letters? Do you know why he did it? He thought the only way he could have me to himself was by tearing me away from you three.
Well, guess what? He failed.
That's right, because we are still here for you.
And no psycho-on-wheels is gonna change that.
And I'll tell you something else.
He better not show his face around here ever again.
What's wrong? The last time I spoke to Orson, he intimated that he would take his own life.
Oh, sweetie.
And I should have done something.
I should have made him tell me where he was and gone to him.
Why? So he could torture you some more? I know what he's become, but you all know there was a time when I loved that man very much.
Well, he's not that man anymore.
Okay, have we been sad long enough? Because I'd just like to point something out.
We are finally in the clear.
She's right.
The letters were the last question mark left.
So maybe now we can get back to normal.
Yes.
Our nightmare is finally over.
Thanks.
Is everything all right over here? Doctors they should learn how to talk to people.
I'm afraid I don't understand.
We just got back from my appointment.
Looks like the cancer's spreading faster than anyone thought.
Oh, Karen.
Yep.
He gave me the ol' "Put your affairs in order" speech.
Only not that nice.
These are people these doctors are talking to, not just some name on a chart.
They can all go to hell! I'm so sorry.
He's just pissed at the world.
Oh, I've got it.
I've got it.
How about you? I can't even imagine what you're going through.
I'm really gonna miss the Christmas festival.
The lane looks so pretty when the lights are, you know Karen if there's anything I can do for you I mean it.
Anything.
Yeah.
Thanks, Bree.
Come in! Wow! The place looks great.
You are going all out.
Ever since Porter's big announcement, I have a new policy for all our kids.
If you can resist procreating, I will throw you a bitchin' party.
Well, I just I wanted to drop off Penny's present, so Champagne? Isn't that taking the bitchin' party idea a little too far? That is for you.
You went through 22 hours of labor with her.
Seems like you should get to celebrate, too.
That is so thoughtful.
Uncharacteristically thoughtful, and now that I think about it, you could have brought Penny's present to the party, So, um what's going on? Okay, um I was just wondering if you wouldn't mind maybe we should open that champagne now.
Just say it.
I-I want to bring Jane to Penny's party.
Oh, god.
Look, I know it's a little awkward.
Bringing a date to your daughter's birthday party when you're still married? Yeah, it's a little awkward.
This is a family event.
I know, but Jane is part of my life now.
Yeah.
Your life.
I'm sorry, Lynette, but I really want to start including Jane in some of these things.
Why? Well Dad! Hey, you.
- Is that for me? - Ahem.
Can I open it? Hey, I know this trick, and if I let you open it today, you are gonna guilt me into buying you another one on your actual birthday.
That's totally what I'm going to do.
And I am totally gonna fall for it.
What hey! Hey, hey, hey.
Didn't you wanna finish our conversation? Another time.
Just enjoy the champagne.
You had to get the girls a cat, didn't you? Even though you know I'm allergic.
Oh, you say you're allergic to everything you don't like Cats, raisins, the vacuum cleaner.
Hey, that is medically verified.
Girls, show mommy how sad we'd be if she made us give back Rufus? Oh, how could I say "No" to such sad and obviously rehearsed faces? Daddy, you wanna see him do a trick? Kitty, fetch.
Now come back.
Rufus? He kinda does whatever he wants.
Well, he should fit right in around here.
I'm not the one who just brought kitty litter into our lives.
Look if the cat makes them happy, then it makes me happy.
One thing I realized in rehab there is nothing more important to me than taking care of you guys.
I love you for that.
Mmm.
Ah! Before I forget, I got you a present.
A tie.
It's for your first day back at work after rehab.
Something that says, "I'm sober, I'm stylish," "and my wife has excellent taste.
" I was having so much fun with you and the girls, I kinda forgot I have to work tomorrow.
Well, you could say "Thank you.
" I spent a lot of your money on it.
Sorry, babe.
Thank you.
Okay.
Bedtime for bonzos! Hello there.
Thank you for fixing my car today.
I like a man who's good with his hands.
It's very sexy.
Although I think my engine is still running a little hot.
Vroom.
Susan, what are you doing? The question is, "Who am I doing?" the answer is "You.
" Oh.
I'm sorry.
I'm just really beat.
All that hard work really took it out on you, huh? Well, hey maybe this is something that will relax you.
Hello.
That a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Oh, my god.
It is a gun.
You've got a gun in your pocket? Susan, don't freak out.
Why do you have a gun? Sit down.
I have something I need to tell you.
Did you mean what you said today? Karen.
About helping me with anything I need? 'cause a lot of people say that, but they don't mean it.
No.
No, I meant it.
You sure? Because let's be honest.
You and I never really liked each other.
- We haven't? - No.
Well, I definitely meant what I said.
Whatever you need, consider it done.
Good.
I want you to help kill me.
Um maybe we should talk about this inside.
Karen, you can't seriously be considering this.
Listen, cancer's a bully, and when it's as bad as mine, it laughs at our pathetic little attempts to fight it.
So here's how I win by making sure that I'm the one that says when and how I go.
So will you help me? What does Roy think? Well, Roy was the first one I went to.
He couldn't do it.
Too much of a marshmallow.
I need someone cold and heartless.
And that's me? A dying woman's sitting in front of you, and you haven't even offered a cup of coffee.
What does that tell ya? I don't I don't know if I could do that.
I don't want to die alone, Bree.
And the chemo's just kicking my ass.
I don't want to waste away in some hospital bed.
Please help me go the way I want to.
All right.
I'll help you.
Sorry to keep you waiting, Mr.
and Mrs.
Delfino.
What can I do for you? My husband did something really stupid, and now we need police protection.
Susan, please, just let me handle this.
And by "Handle this," he means, "Stare out the window with a gun in his pants.
" Could you start from the beginning, please? A buddy of mine and I'm not telling you who borrowed some money from a loan shark, and things got a little out of hand, and I had to help him out.
Oh, and by "Help him out," he means "Beat up a mob guy, putting our whole family in danger.
" Does your friend know it's illegal to use the services of a loan shark? He does.
Do you know it's illegal to assault someone? The guy was breaking into our neighbor's house.
I tried to get him to leave, he threw a punch, and I defended myself.
And now this lowlife wants to kill my husband, - so you need to arrest him.
- Well, if you had called us after he broke into your neighbor's house, maybe we could have.
Oh.
So it would have been smarter to call the cops instead of slapping Jimmy Knuckles around the living room.
Huh.
Where have I heard that before? Oh, that's right from me.
What's this about a gun? Do you have a permit for a gun, sir? All right, detective, I think we're wasting your time.
I can take care of this.
No, Mike.
You've been taking care of it, and look where it got us.
We have a 9-year-old son.
Okay.
Okay, look, here's what I can do.
We have your address.
I'll make sure the patrol car keeps an eye on things.
and if you see this guy, call us.
Wait.
That's it? Ma'am, I'm afraid that's all we can do until something else happens.
Great.
Well, maybe we'll get lucky, and something else will happen.
Honey, there's fresh coffee.
You want me to put some in a travel mug? Okay.
What's wrong? and you've already forgotten how to tie a tie? I've just been thinking.
I've worn a tie every day for 25 years, and I've always hated the way it feels around my neck.
So? I wear lots of uncomfortable things High-heeled shoes, bras that mash my boobs together.
I'm starting to think that a tie is basically just a fancy noose.
Oh, honey.
You're not nervous about your first day back, are you? I don't know.
I just thought I'd be more excited than I am.
Well, you're the boss.
You want excitement, shake things up.
Buy a new xerox machine or get some post-its in crazy colors.
Take the staff to happy hoho.
Get stinking drunk.
Okay, maybe not the stinking drunk part, but you know what I mean.
I gotta get the girls to school.
See you tonight.
I'm just saying, you didn't have to fight that woman over a pair of boots.
I saw 'em first.
On her feet.
Sorry.
I shop New York style.
Until someone is either bruised or bleeding, no sale is final.
Hello? Oh, hi, Karen.
No.
No, now is not a good time.
Uh, Renee's visiting.
Well, uh, I'm open tomorrow.
Perhaps I could euthanize you in the morning.
Great.
I will see you then.
So I couldn't help but overhear.
It's Karen.
Her cancer's spreading.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
She's depressed and wants me to help her die with dignity.
Oh, my god.
Are you gonna do it? Of course not.
She just got devastating news.
She's in a state of shock.
I'm just trying to string her along and buy some time until she's thinking clearly again.
Think that'll work? It's got to.
By the way, to help her keep her mind off it, I'm having people stop by and have tea, You know, play scrabble with her, maybe give her a foot massage.
Do you think tomorrow maybe you could stop by and Bree, if I touch that woman's feet, you're gonna have to euthanize me.
Billy, where are you? Oh, look, look! There's a gold! Come on! The gold! Aah! Hi! - Mom? - Yeah? This party is amazing.
Thank you so much! Oh, I just wanted your birthday to be perfect.
Happy birthday, Penny.
Then again, nothing's perfect.
Hey, Jane.
Tom went to pick up the cake, so if you wanna wait in the car or Oh! I didn't know you were bringing a guest.
Actually, this is my gift for Penny.
A geisha? My niece Cindy.
She's a photographer.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
She's gonna take pictures of the party, and then I'm gonna make a memory book.
Cool! I knew you would love it.
Come here.
Funny faces.
Perfect.
Can I talk to you for a second? Okay.
What are you doing? Just making sure I'm in the memory book.
You're invading every photo that Penny and I are in.
I'm her mother.
Maybe you're the invader.
And we're back to this.
I spent weeks planning this party, making it perfect for her, and then you come in and upstage me? I'm just trying to forge a relationship with Penny.
Well, stop forging.
You're not family.
You're just some woman her father is "seeing.
" Well "Well," what? Well that's not all I am.
What does that mean? You know, you should probably talk to Tom.
Tom's not here, so why don't you tell me what the hell you're talking about? Okay.
I really didn't want you to hear this from me, but since you're insisting Tom asked me to move in with him.
So now you know.
Sorry! The cake took longer than I thought.
What? This is how I find out you and Jane are going to live together? From her? Oh, no, no, no, no.
She wasn't supposed to say anything.
Well, she didn't get the memo because she did say something in my house the house you and I lived in.
I didn't deserve that.
I am so sorry, Lynette.
I really need to put this cake down.
Why didn't you tell me? I tried the other day, but Penny wanted to open her present, and I didn't want to ruin her birthday.
God, Tom.
You've only known her three months.
We were talking about the future, and living together is the next step.
Oh, you're talking about steps now? Jeez, I wonder what the step after that could be.
We haven't talked about that.
That's good, - since you and I aren't even divorced yet.
- I know.
I thought maybe we should talk to a lawyer or something this week.
Really? I thought this was a trial separation, to see how we did apart, to see if we could be happy.
That's the thing.
I am happy.
And if you're not, I'm really sorry.
Can I get a picture of mom and dad? Karen, what in the world are you doing?! I lost a contact.
Oh, my god.
You were hoping I would run you over.
Well, what choice do I have? You said you'd help me, and then you keep blowing me off.
Now are you gonna kill me today or what? No, I cannot kill you today.
I have pilates.
You know, Bree, it sounds like we're just playing games.
Karen, I really wanna do this.
I mean, I don't want to, but let's go for tomorrow.
No excuses.
Really? Really.
'Cause I'm serious about doing this with or without you.
Hello? Mrs.
Solis? It's Marilyn, your husband's secretary.
Hi, Marilyn.
Why are we whispering? I don't want Mr.
Solis to know I'm calling you.
Why? What's wrong? Uh He's been acting a little strange, and I just really need you to come down here.
He's coming.
Excuse me.
Marilyn, what's going on? What's going on? He's giving away all our money! Who's this guy? Patrick McDonald, our C.
F.
O.
Do you see all these people? A while back, we took over a steel company, chopped it up, sold it, made a nice profit.
These are some of the workers who got laid off.
Okay, so what are they doing here? Carlos has taken it upon himself to make things right by writing each of them a check for $50,000.
Uh okay.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Oh, boy.
He keeps this up, and we'll be bankrupt in a couple of weeks.
Uh, Mrs.
Solis, I'm a party girl with a taste for young brazilian gentlemen.
I really need this job.
I'm on it.
Honey? Hey, babe, took your advice.
My advice? You told me to shake things up, so I decided to make work a place I want to be.
Hope this helps.
And remember, you can be anything you wanna be.
Nothing is out of reach.
What do you say, Skip? Thanks, mister.
Honey, this is how you shake things up? By giving away all the company money? Oh, actually, I was afraid that Patrick would put a stop payment so I decided to start using our personal account.
All right, run along, tiny tim.
Okay, let's go.
Sweetheart you can be honest with me.
Have you been drinking again? Nope.
Haven't had a drink in 34 days.
Then why the hell are you acting like a crazy person?! You think this is crazy? No.
What's crazy is making a fortune off of other people's misery without thinking for one minute how they're suffering.
What's crazy is thinking you can find happiness in a paycheck or behind the wheel of a sports car.
What's crazy is thinking that you're doing something important with your life just because you're wearing a tie.
What? I'm trying to find Ben.
He's not at his house.
- Is he here? - No.
What do you need Ben for? I want him to tell me where that loan shark lives - so I can go to his house.
- To do what? I don't know.
May-maybe I'll give him some money.
Maybe I'll kill him.
I haven't decided yet.
Okay, sweetie, you're a little worked up.
Sit down.
I'll pour you a glass of wine.
No, I have to fix this.
I'm terrified.
I haven't slept in days.
And my husband is walking around our house with a gun.
Ooh, sorry.
Why are you apologizing? Mike's the one who started this mess.
You mean when he stuck his neck out for Ben and protected me? Is that the mess you're talking about? Look, when you've been burned by men as often as I have, you stop believing in that fairy tale idea of the guy on the white horse who comes in to save you.
But meeting Mike and seeing how he is as a husband and a father and a friend, well he got me believing again.
Susan he is a good man.
You really think that? Or are you just trying to calm me down? I really think that.
And I really wanna calm you down.
So if I pour this glass of wine, will you not go and kill anyone? Okay.
Okay.
Bree! How you doing? Karen's taking a nap.
Actually, it's you I wanna talk to.
May I come in? Sure.
Mmm! That pie smells wonderful.
Yeah.
Karen made rhubarb.
I don't know why.
She knows I don't like it.
How could you not like it? It's the one pie she makes better than I do.
Well, may I cut you a slice? Sure.
So What's going on? We have a real problem on our hands.
I can't believe she asked you to do this.
She doesn't even like you.
Yes, we've established that already.
I figured when I said no, that would be the end of it.
No, she seems more determined than ever.
What the hell are you doing?! What? That's my suicide pie.
Your what? I made it to kill myself.
It's full of sleeping pills and tranquilizers, and a bottle of liquid something.
Oh, my god.
I ate two pieces! Oh, I'm so sorry, Bree.
So you wanna go to the hospital or somethin'? Yes, I wanna go to the hospital! What were you doing making suicide pies? Well, if you two would grow a pair and help me out Oh, sure, I'm the problem because I didn't wanna murder my wife.
Can we please continue this in the car? In case you've forgotten, we need to get to the emergency room now! What are you doing? You're going the wrong way.
She can't make a 3-point turn.
I can make a 3-point turn.
This is just easier.
Okay, can we just please stay focused on getting to the hospital? And F.
Y.
I.
your turn signal is on.
Yeah, I'm gonna make a left up on Oakhurst.
You're not gonna take the interstate? - Wouldn't that be faster? - She can't merge.
I can merge.
The interstate is always jammed.
Plus I gotta stop and get gas.
Okay, that's it.
Stop! Stop the car! Ugh! Get out! I'm driving.
There's no need to get so nasty.
I have every right to get nasty.
You poisoned me! Making that pie was a stupid thing to do.
You have no idea what I'm going through.
Oh, yes, I do.
Three months ago, I was this close to killing myself.
It was a quick fix on a very depressing night.
But in the morning, I realized it was the most selfish thing I could do.
It's not the same.
You weren't dying.
I am.
I know.
But if you take your life, it'll ruin the memory of everything you were before that.
It's all anyone will remember.
Look at Roy.
Is that what you wanna do to the man who loves you? Baby, I don't want you to go before your time.
Okay.
I'll stick around for as long as I can.
Ohh, that's lovely, but we still need to get to the emergency room.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
It's open! Ah.
What are you gonna share with me today? The results from my colonoscopy? My mom died? I shouldn't have said what I did.
It was wrong, and I'm truly sorry.
Are those the cheese puffs I brought? Yeah.
I guess nobody liked 'em.
Well, more for me.
to that man.
23 years.
And then we hit a rough patch, and we stumbled, - and then he finds you - I totally get it.
I'm talking! He finds you, and it kind of makes him stop trying to find me again.
And then when someone has to tell me that you're moving in together, and we both know what that means, you do it.
I said I'm sorry.
And it almost sounded sincere.
Fine.
Have it your way.
I only came because Tom asked me to apologize.
I don't care what you think of me.
Of course you don't.
You only care about you.
I think you're sneaky, Jane.
I think everything you do, you do on purpose.
I think you couldn't wait to see the look on my face when you told me you and Tom were moving in together.
I think you actually liked it.
I think you enjoyed it.
I-I think What the hell? I couldn't breathe! I-I'm sorry.
I panicked, and I mean, n-not all of us are doctors.
I think I'll go.
Hey, Murphy.
Yeah? You better take a look at this.
Some crazy stuff in there, huh? Yeah.
Any chance this could be on the level? Bree van De Kamp.
I know her.
She's the one who ripped Chuck's heart out.
I got a feeling about this.
Enough of a feeling to go dig up a construction site? Yeah.
Are you sure you looked under your bed? I looked everywhere.
Rufus is lost.
Okay.
Honey, mommy can't help you right now.
Go look in the backyard.
So just you, or did you adopt a bunch of orphans on your way home? Come on, Carlos.
Talk to me.
What was that about today? Do you remember Bill, that guy from rehab I was always talking about? Oh, yeah, Bill.
He was my counselor? Oh.
Yeah.
Bill.
He told me this story about his dad.
He was a pilot in Vietnam, and he'd be flying his plane, go back to base.
It wasn't until someone sent him a "Life" magazine that he saw the results of his missions.
It ruined him.
What, he didn't know? He was dropping bombs.
Things were going "Boom.
" It was the distance.
And that's what I've been doing all these years dropping bombs from that skyscraper, and I can't keep doing it.
I can't keep destroying lives for some bottom line.
Rufus! Here, kitty, kitty! So what are you saying, you're gonna quit your job? Yes.
Oh, my god.
But not until I find a new one.
And what will that be? Well, I was thinking maybe counseling.
In one week, Bill does more good than I've done in my entire life.
Yeah, and in one week, you make more money than Bill will make in his entire life.
I'm not saying that we wouldn't have to cut back.
You know, we may have to do a little downsizing.
Whoa! Whoa! Like what? I need specifics, Gandhi.
I don't know! It just seems like we have a bunch of stuff That we don't need big-screen TVs, two cars, a really big house.
Well, you want us to move? Yeah! Maybe to someplace with a good public school.
Uh, not you're yanking the kids out of private school, which they love, that's your solution? Help! Help! Juanita? Juanita? Mommy! Oh, my god! Okay.
Baby, don't move! I'm scared! It's okay, sweetie! Daddy's coming.
Just hold on.
Aah! And don't look down.
Okay, baby, you think you can walk slowly over to daddy? No.
I-I can't move.
Okay, then I'm coming out to get you.
No, wait, Carlos! Be careful! We are gonna take this nice and slow.
Okay, just keep your eyes on me.
Oh, my god! It's okay, it's okay.
I got you.
I got you.
Juanita's finally asleep.
She okay? Yeah, thanks to you.
God, that was so scary.
You know, if anything had happened to her It really puts things into perspective, doesn't it? Sure does.
Reminds you nothing's more important than taking care of family.
I could not agree more.
Good.
So does this mean you're giving up all that crazy talk and going back to work? No! The exact opposite.
It means I'm more aware than ever of what really matters giving back.
Why do you keep calling it that? You're not giving.
You're taking from us, your family.
I don't know why I thought you'd understand this.
You have always been selfish.
Guilty! I am selfish.
But you knew that when we got married.
That was the deal You make the money, I spend it.
And I'm still holding up my end.
Gaby, I am miserable at work.
I can't do it anymore.
Do you know how many times I thought to myself, "I can't do it anymore"? When you were drowning your guilt in booze, when you disappeared in rehab, But I willed myself to hold this family together because someone had to! And guess what?! Now it is your turn.
I've got something to tell you.
Oh.
You're still mad, aren't you? No.
You're a hard guy to stay mad at, Mike Delfino.
And I think I figured out why.
I figured out what it was about you that flipped my switch the very first time I met you.
Gotta be the rugged good looks.
No.
But they didn't hurt.
Okay.
So what was it? You don't get scared.
Me? Nah, that's not true.
No, it is.
You don't get scared.
It's what everyone thinks when they meet you.
Because you always take care of people.
Why are you like that? Hmm.
Uh, my, um my dad beat the crap out of my mom when I was little.
Bad.
I'd hear it happening.
And there wasn't anything a 10-year-old kid could do about it.
So maybe this came from that, and, uh but my whole life when I see somebody in trouble, I can't walk away.
But I can tell you something I am scared of.
I get scared that maybe somehow because I'm not the most expressive guy in the world maybe I never made it clear to you how much I love you.
No.
No, I got that.
I should start dinner.
I thought you said you were gonna fix that fence post.
Tomorrow.
Ohh, tomorrow.
Hey.
One more thing.
Delfino! We all take the gift of life for granted.
If only we could slow things down.
I'm Mike Delfino.
I just started renting the Simms' house next door.
Susan Mayer.
I live across the street.
- Whatcha doin'? - Locked myself out, naked.
So how are you? I've never seen you look so beautiful.
He said I'm pregnant.
Mike? Because before you know it the gift is gone.
Mike.
Mike? Oh, god.
Mike! No.
No.
Mike.
No.
No! Mike! No!