King of the Hill s08e16 Episode Script

Yep.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
Dale, what the heck are you doing in my yard? Giving it peace of mind.
"This is a bill for services provided by Daletech"? That's my home security company.
I've been providing protection with my constant surveillance for years.
Well, the free ride is over.
Hey, Hank.
Interested in lap dance? No, Kahn.
I'm interested in you putting a privacy hedge in front of your bathroom window.
We all have them.
Hank made me plant two hedges.
I agree.
The ugly and working class should have privacy hedges.
But you don't keep a Ferrari in the garage.
Can Daletech do anything about getting me a privacy hedge? To be honest, we're more into the invasion of privacy business than the creation of privacy business.
Peggy, could you hurry up with that toast? I want to get out of here before Kahn takes his shower.
Bobby? Did you drink my grape fruit juice? Yeah, sure, Dad.
I drank your grape fruit juice.
I had it with a big bowl of broccoli.
No, I didn't.
Fine! Call your lawyer! Steak and eggs.
Bloody, but not raw.
Grandpa! Where's Grandma Didi and G.
H? Gone to visit her folks.
I'm flopping here.
Oh, that's great, Dad.
You can sleep in the H-How long will they be gone? Summer, part of autumn.
Don't know.
Can't you stay with anyone else? Your war buddies? Stinky, Stanky, Smelly? They've all been shoved into retirement homes.
Got useless and got locked up.
All except Topsy.
Topsy? Perfect! You guys could hang out at his place, play checkers at his place.
He's playing checkers with worms.
Died six months ago.
Damn him.
Hank, your wife let the salt run out.
Which one's the salt? Flour.
Sugar.
Dog food.
Sody pop.
Look, Hank.
I realize Cotton is your father and you can't throw him out on the street, but the man drives me nuts.
We should send him to senior daycare.
They have daycare for seniors? It's the newest craze.
Since life expectancy has spiraled out of control, many nursery schools are being converted to accommodate seniors.
I'll pack him a sack lunch.
I couldn't do that to my dad.
He's just at loose ends.
You just missed the criminals who did this, Hank.
Sure am glad I'm protected by Daletech.
Were they about five-foot, ten, wearing a baseball cap and about to get their ass kicked by me? - Um, it all happened so fast.
- I uh Hey, Hank! Look! Propane! It's a dead man's party Who could ask for more? Look at this, Hank's wife.
I've never seen a Far-Easterner spend so much time primping.
Not now, Cotton.
I'm busy.
He got a half a bottle of pomade in his hair.
That man gets near a flame, he's going to look like Chinese New Year.
What ya doing? Some kind of woman's work? Baking? Sewing? Which one is it? I am trying to make a crossword puzzle for my Espanol class.
- I need a four-letterword - Tent! Food! Ammo! Guns! Tojo! Horse! No, that's five.
Cotton! This is a Spanish crossword.
Oh! Taco! Bean! Cuba! Peso! Agua! Hey, Hank! You forgot this! Mucho! Lucho! Grande! Enchilada! What ya doing? Some kind of woman's work? Now all I need you to do is staple the Char-King warranty cards to the front of the owner's manuals.
Think you can handle that, Dad? I made you, didn't I? So I sees you in the market for a grill.
Yes, sir.
Do you know if this model is self-cleaning? Like a cat.
All you gots to do is, eh push this red button.
So, uh, Dad, I thought you might enjoy this, uh, well, social club.
You brought me to a brothel.
Sorry about the murals, but we're still in transition.
Don't matter to me, madam.
Where can I transition into my underpants? Aw, did you have an accident? You accept Blue Cross? What kind of brothel is this? It's an activity center.
It'll be fun, Dad.
Just give it a chance.
Bye! I'm not sleepy! Come on! You think I'm used up? I can outfight, out drink and outdo anyone I know.
Hmm.
Double murder in Detroit last night, wasn't protected by Daletech.
Oh, God.
What now? Hello, Officers.
Uh, what kind of trouble is my father in? Sir, he's not in any trouble now that we got him out of that nursery school.
A war hero like your dad still has a lot to give to society.
I'm an auxiliary policeman now.
Sworn to serve and to protect.
What? Really? With all the budget cuts, our manpower's been stretched to its limits.
That's why we started a senior division of Citizens on Patrol.
Officer Hill.
Well, this is great, Dad.
So what do you actually do? You hang out at the station? Get the officers coffee? Answer phones? Nope.
I gots myself a real beat.
The cops said I'm the eyes and ears of Rainy Street.
But Daletech's the eyes and ears of Rainy Street.
Not anymore.
Well, I think that's, that's You sassing me? No! Too tight.
Too tight! All right, I'm in charge of keeping the peace now.
So if anyone thinks I'm notworth the spit to shine a shoe, they better be ready to talk to me and my partner, Sgt.
Whippy.
Oh, that's great, Dad.
But remember, you're supposed to be the eyes and ears of the neighborhood, not the whippy.
Damn that Cotton.
They'll never pay for my Daletech service now that he's working for free.
Nope, Cotton's got to go.
But he's got Hank behind him and Hank's the alpha-neighbor.
I'm gamma or delta at best.
Well, I didn't get to be president of Daletech by playing by the rules.
So Operation Turn Everyone Against Cotton is in motion now! Sounds good, Sug.
Could you add the softener when the washer dings? Oh, I'll add the softener on the ding.
I don't know, Hank.
Cotton working as a cop? He has a terrible human rights record.
Don't worry.
I checked with the police department and he doesn't have any actual police authority.
Well, I'm off to chop down that birdhouse.
Too much chirping disturbs the peace.
Uh, Dad, I don't think that's such a dang it! Who moved this coffee table? First, my grapefruit juice disappears.
Now, someone's moving the coffee table.
Well, so you thinks someone is breakin' in and messin' with your stuff, do ya? No, Dad, I'm sure it's nothing.
Oh, well, I got some choppin' to do.
Hank's wife, we'll be having sparrow eggs for breakfast tomorrow.
But, uh, you know, I'm not the police officer.
You are.
Would you be willing to take on the case of who's drinking my juice and moving my coffee table? Hot berk, I'd better get on it! Cotton, that is an out door toy! Ten-four, Manimal! Hank, you can't really believe that someone's breaking in our house just to drink your grapefruit juice.
No, but it'll keep him busy a while, you know, out of everyone's hair.
Hello, boys.
You off to play a little marbles, mumbly peg or king of the coffee table?! We're gonna go shout swear words into a sewer pipe.
Not anymore! This street's on lockdown till I find out who's been messing with your daddy's stuff.
Now move it! Good work, Officer.
Those two looked like some bad eggs all right.
Can it, Gribble.
Someone's been tapping into my boy's grapefruit juice, and I means to find out who.
Put your finger down your throat.
Let me see what's in your gullet.
Okay, but I'm allergic to citrus.
I wish I wasn't 'cause all Bill talks about is how good grapefruit juice is.
It's like he's rubbing it in my face.
Well, how do you like that? A man who doesn't like juice has a juicer.
Maybe I oughta squeeze some truth out of you.
It was a wedding gift! Dang it, wolfman! Your belly beard done burned out the motor.
I'm gonna get the Dirt Devil.
Dale, you have to believe me.
I didn't drink Hank's juice.
I know you didn't, Bill.
That power hungry rent-a-cop is just out to make a name for himself.
I'm just as scared as you are.
You got to help me.
Well, you're not a member of Daletech, but I guess I could try to intervene just this once.
Thank you, Daletech.
Sir, you did it! Bill broke down and implicated Boomhauer as the possible culprit.
Ah! You don't say.
Well, I guess I'd better go pay Boomhauer a little visit.
I'm not gonna ask ya again.
Did ya drink my boy's grapefruit juice? Got dang, man, I didn't drink nothing, man.
Talkin' bout just tryin' to change my oil here, man.
I like mangos, man! I believe ya.
The weight of a jalopy always crushes the truth out of a man.
He called your car a jalopy.
That is literally adding insult to injury.
Dang it! I don't know what kind of game is being played around here, but everybody in this house knows the toilet paper goes over front, not Don't look at me like that.
You know what I'm talking about.
You are as crazy as your father.
You know what that old coot did to Luanne? He cracked my driver's license in half with a big snakey thing because I didn't blinker.
And he made me go to bed at 3:30 in the afternoon.
Look, I know Dad can be a pain, but I haven't seen this kind of spark in him in a long time.
Besides, Luanne never uses her turn signal and Bobby gets cranky around 4:00.
Look, Hank Hill, I'm wearing a bikini made of suds! Now, I understand why lion tamers get mauled every so often.
Boy, I gotta tell ya, Hank, things sure have gone to hell ever since Cotton got that badge.
Yeah, maybe that's partly my fault.
I guess I'd better have a sit-down with him.
Hmm, that might not be a good idea.
Cotton's self-esteem is as fragile as his elderly hips.
Hey, maybe we should have a neighborhood meeting to let people blow off some steam in private.
You know, a bull session? That's not a bad idea, Dale.
You're right.
It's not a bad idea.
Not a bad idea at all.
It's the beer.
I just want to start this meeting off by acknowledging that my Dad can be a handful sometimes.
A handful of crap! I thought we were supposed to vent.
Go ahead.
It's a safe environment.
What's said here, stays here.
He pulled my belly hairs with a juicer! It took me 16 years to get my first driver's license.
I'm too old to start over! He keeps on pressing me to name Connie as a Communist.
I had to! You were right, Gribble.
They are all plotting against me.
We should rub grapefruitjuice in his eye.
And slap him on a bus with a sack lunch! All right! I'm arresting everybody here for conspiring to slander a police officer.
What? Dad, that's crazy.
And you All that stuff you claim's been messed with How do I know it ain't an inside job? Maybe ya done it for the insurance money.
You think I insure my juice against being drunk? Shush it! You're all suspects.
Now, if you cuff yourselves it'll save ya a beatin'.
Start cuffin'! No, don't hurt me? Give me my whip, boy.
No.
Dang it, Dad, you're out of control.
There is no mystery.
I just gave you that as busy work, but you even managed to screw that up.
But I'm a cop.
I keeps the peace.
I'm protecting the juice.
Someone moves the table, I Dad, you're not a cop.
Now give me your badge.
I don't want to have to call the real police.
Daletech, for all your home security needs.
Daletech, for all your home security needs.
So, who wants the new introductory surveillance package? For an extra 30 bucks a month, you'll get a closed circuit feed of Bill's house.
It puts it all in perspective, believe me.
I believe you.
So where is Cotton? Let me guess.
Did he get busted down to doing cross-guard duty? No.
He's making macaroni art down at the Sunset Day Center.
Really? He's back in graycare? I thought he had more fight in him than that.
No.
Losing that badge seemed to really take it out of him.
Well, I better go pick him up.
Well, maybe I'll come along and bring the colonel a balloon.
Not as a potential client.
Just as a guy, you know, who's down and could could use a balloon.
Hey, Peeping Tom! After speed walk, I take shower.
See you in half an hour.
No hedge! I see you painted a picture.
This must be a symbolic painting of how he feels inside.
Is this how you feel inside? Sorta.
Yup.
See? That's you, Hank, yelling, and embarrassing him in front of everyone.
Ooh! There's me! Come on, Dad.
You can finish that tomorrow.
Hey, Dad, want to grab a beer in the alley? No.
I'm just gonna go to bed.
I need to get up early and find three aerosol can tops for my craft project.
Boy, I hate to see your dad like this.
Why don't I just look after him so he doesn't have to go back to that place tomorrow? You'd do that? Sure.
Daletech's a bust.
Guess it's the wrong economic climate to be an expensive, poorly trained visionary.
You really shouldn't feel so worthless.
I'm much more of a burden on my family, and I feel great.
The show's over.
I can't stand to see you like this, sir.
I'm the one who broke you, so I'm going to fix this.
Hey, did you ever see One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest? You're Jack Nicholson.
Are you crazy?! This might be easier if you lie down.
Now you're showing some life? Geez! This kind of complicates things.
Wait! I know that smell! Someone has been monkeying around in my boy's house! And I know who it is! Good for you, sir! Hot berk, I'm not some old screwup! Now all I need is some proof.
Gribble, I'm hiring Daletech! Oh, no! I've soiled myself! It's okay, sir! They'll change you at the Sunset Day Center, where we will be all day! The trap has been set.
Now the waiting begins.
God, the waiting is interminable, isn't it? Hello, Mr.
Kahn.
I don't know what you are talking about.
You think I drink juice and move hillbilly furniture around? I know you did.
Nobody in my boy's house, or even this neighborhood, uses pomade.
I can smell it on you, and I can smell it on this pillow.
Now, confess.
You have no proof.
Who gonna believe you? You just some crazy old man.
Oh, yeah? Hello? Coast clear.
Hey, slow down.
That juice expensive for poor hillbillies like us.
Oh, you right.
I shouldn't have done that.
I'm a very bad redneck, Peggy Hill.
Okay, you caught me.
I drink Hank's juice.
Let's call it a day.
Hey, you Mmm! Maybe I teach you a lesson.
After all, I'm always blabbing about being a substitute teacher.
Does Hank Hill know about this? If he did, you wouldn't be alive.
You look as sexy to me as propane tank, I tell you what.
I promise never to do it again.
We go back to library reading room if we need cheap thrill.
Please don't tell Hank Hill.
I give you anything you want.
I don't need anything from you, but my boy does.
I want you to give him his privacy hedge.
You're gonna pay for it, you're gonna build it, and you're going to thank him for the privilege.
And you have to subscribe to a year of Daletech services.
Dah! Okay.
Hey, this tape pretty good.
Can I keep it? Huh! I didn't even know there was a case, and you solved it.
Who would have guessed it was Kahn? I didn't guess, boy.
I did some old-fashioned police work.
Well, however you did it, good job.
Officer Hill, Rainey Street thanks you.
You impersonating an officer, boy? Put that hand down.
I still don't see what's so funny about you sneaking in my house just to move stuff around.
Oh, yeah, it real funny in Laos.
Number one reality show.
Ten-four, Manimal!