Seinfeld s08e16 Episode Script

- Morning.
- Morning.
I hope you don't mind baking-soda flavor.
Baking soda, annoying little product.
"I can do this, I can do that.
" Why doesn't the stuff just shut up? Let me grab you a towel.
- So? - So? She used the toothbrush.
- You grabbed it out of there real fast? - Yeah.
So I'm sure whatever germs it landed on were knocked out.
When the rest realized what was going on you had already grabbed it out.
How many years of med school did you have? Was she mad? - You didn't tell her.
- Jenna's like me.
She's very Finicky? Prissy? Fastidious? I'll take "fastidious.
" What is that? Steinbrenner gave them to us.
For Phil Rizzuto's induction to the Hall of Fame.
Holy cow.
Do they have to squeeze his head to get him to say "Holy cow"? Just the last few innings of a double-header.
Hey.
Look at this.
I'm in the passing lane of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway going 70, and: Dragged this thing for five exits.
Why didn't you pull over? Well, I was drafting behind a semi.
I didn't wanna lose him.
The infrastructure, Jerry, it's crumbling.
Holy cow.
Oh, look at that.
Talking Nixon.
- China Panda.
- Yeah, I'd like to place an order.
Yes, what you like? This supreme flounder, it says "First time served in America.
" - Is that true? - What number? - Forty-seven? - Yeah, first time.
What else? - That's it.
- Address.
That's south side.
Sorry, we don't deliver below 86.
- I'm not below.
- Yes, you are.
- Street itself is boundary.
- Your guy can't cross to my side? If we deliver to you, then what? Mexico? 84th Street? All right, fine.
I'll just cross and meet him.
Sorry.
Food only for those who live within boundary.
- China Panda.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'd like to place an order.
What you like? Well, I'm a papa.
Bring it on.
Nothing's throwing me at this point.
Well, as of today, I am a proud parent of a one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway.
- Oh, that Adopt-A-Highway thing.
- I'm part of the solution now, Jerry.
I went down there and I checked it out this morning.
- Here, take a look.
Mile 114.
- Oh, looks just like you.
Oh, I'm beaming, Jerry.
What do you do? Pay to keep it clean? No.
They try to push you into using their cleaning crew with all their so-called maintenance equipment.
- That old scam.
- That's why I'm doing it all myself.
This parenting isn't about delegating responsibility it's about being there.
At the side of the road with a pile of garbage.
Quality time.
- Keys.
I can't find my keys.
- You lost Phil Rizzuto's head? - Have you seen him? - No.
- Damn it.
- Come on, retrace your steps.
- What'd you do today? - I got up I was supposed to go to work, I came here instead.
They're not here.
You'll have to dig up your spare set.
I don't have a spare set.
All my keys say "do not duplicate.
" - So? - So you can't duplicate them.
Sure you can.
Such a sweet kid.
Oh, hi.
China Panda? Why are you waiting on the street and not in your apartment? I thought that I would meet you halfway.
- Do you really live here? - Oh, yeah.
There you go.
You keep the change.
Bye, now.
I'll see you.
You know, this isn't fair.
This is address discrimination.
Well, I cleaned out their whole dental-hygiene shelf.
So the plan is to secretly sterilize her mouth? When I'm through with her mouth, she'll be able to eat off it.
Is it safe to drink bleach if you dilute it? No.
Stings the throat.
Anyway, so I was coming along here.
I felt like a piece of cake, you know? So then I thought, "It's morning, I should really have a muffin.
" I like those chocolate-chip ones.
Then I figured, well, they're really both cake.
So I sat on that bench for a little while, and then I figured I'd check and see what you were up to.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
The broad jump.
The broad jump over the pothole on 86th Street.
I remember.
As I jumped over the hole I heard, like, a jingling sound.
- You didn't look down? I was trying to stick the landing.
I know it was right around here.
No.
No! Holy Holy cow.
Poor son of a bitch.
It's 100,000 revolutions a second.
- It's the most powerful one they make.
- I feel like I'm holding a blender.
The engine's made by McDonnell Douglas.
No, no, you keep going.
It shuts off automatically.
Really? It does? When the battery runs out.
I was really happy with my old toothbrush.
Oh, trust me, that one was doing more harm than good.
Don't forget to use the Plax too.
- That stuff tastes like bleach.
- I don't know anything about that.
- My mouth feels so clean.
- That's the idea.
You know, maybe we better not.
I think I'm getting a little cold.
I don't wanna give you any of my germs.
Okay.
Thanks, I guess.
You still couldn't kiss her? She has a taint.
I can't see it, but I know it's there.
Oh, so now you're finding fault on a subatomic level.
Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure.
Although if there was something there, it might be pretty scary.
Of course, I would have that laser.
Jer, do you see where this is going? Being really clean and happy? Jerry, you have tendencies.
They were always annoying, but they were just tendencies.
But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder.
- Disorder? - And from disorder you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.
That could hurt me.
Hey, there it is.
Should we stop and say hi? - No, we've seen it.
- Yeah.
Hey, Jerry! Yeah, I'll see you back at the house.
Mile 114, clean as a whistle.
- Yeah? - Hi.
I'm your neighbor from across the street.
And I was wondering if it wouldn't be too much trouble if I could use your apartment to order some food.
What? What do you want? You see, there's this certain flounder and they won't deliver it to my side of the street.
When is that? No, I just need them to deliver it here and I have to be kind of inside, is all.
Who are you with? No, actually, I'm just kind of hungry.
- Who let you in? - Well, the lock was broken.
You just have to jiggle it, actually, to get But I just need like half an hour to an hour.
What's with the signs? You should see the Berkhardt, Jerry.
My mile is spotless.
I mean, the big stuff was easy: Cinder blocks, air conditioners, shopping can'ts.
- I just rolled them into the woods.
- Yeah, that stuff's all natural anyway.
Speed limit, 165 miles per hour.
See? They slipped a one in there.
Those kids with the spray paint, God love them.
Hey, so? Keys? No keys.
And I've been calling the city all day.
There's no one to call if you wanna make a pothole.
I guess they leave that to the general population.
I'll tell you, if the real Phil Rizzuto was down there this wouldn't be happening.
- Hard to say.
- You need some roadwork done? I met some maintenance guys today on the highway.
- They could probably help you out.
- Really? Oh, yeah.
I borrowed some cones from them when I was sweeping my car-pool lane.
- Yeah? - It's Jenna.
If you guys wouldn't mind, I would like to ward off dementia.
- You can hook me up with them? - Yeah.
Give me a ring tomorrow.
I'm gonna be at emergency call box 784.
Seven-eight-four.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- How you feeling? - Good.
My cold's gone.
I've been looking forward to kissing you which I'm ready to do now, if you are ready.
Okay.
- What? - Nothing, I just I bruised my lip.
I was drinking a Cel-Ray and I brought it up too fast and I banged it into my lip.
And then I knocked your toothbrush into the toilet.
And I wasrt able to tell you before you could use it.
- What? - I'm sorry.
- When were you gonna tell me this? - Obviously never.
I need the "yield" sign.
Kramer, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Would you get these signs out of here, please? - You could have introduced me.
- I wouldn't know where to start.
Hey.
Jenna.
Hey.
There.
Now something of yours has been in the toilet.
What? Well, what did you put in there? Gotta run.
Oh, man.
Hello, Jenna? Did you dunk the spatula? Was it the spatula? Hello? Damn it.
Didrt even give you a hint? No, could be anything.
The whole apartment's a biohazard.
You know what I bet it is? Your remote.
Yes, that is a definite possibility.
Or it could be your Walkman there.
- Are you just screwing with me? - Yeah, I am.
- Hey.
- How's life on the road? - I'm making a difference, Jerry.
- I don't doubt it.
You should see the smiles on the drivers' faces.
I mean, you gotta look quick, but they're there.
- This.
- What's this? You know those annoying little bumps on the lane lines? Isn't that some kind of safety thing? Well, I had to pull them up if I'm gonna widen the lanes.
What the hell are you talking about? Well, you know how in planes they got first class? More legroom, better ride? Well, I'm bringing that concept to mile 114.
How are you gonna widen the lanes? Well, you black out lane lines one and three and a four-lane highway becomes a two-lane comfort cruise.
So you got any black paint? Yeah, in my tool shed, next to the riding mower.
Yeah, I'd like an order of supreme flounder, number 47.
Yeah, apartment 1 Q.
That's the janitor closet across the street.
You're pretending to live in a janitor's closet just to get this flounder? It's better than eating it alone in the restaurant like some loser.
That stuff is unbelievable.
I'd eat it out of a dumpster.
How do you know about it? You're not in the delivery zone.
Newman uses his mail truck to run fish for China Panda on the weekends.
Well, mine's coming in 10, so I'll see you boys.
Now, where's that tool shed of yours? Hi.
Sorry, I didn't hear you.
I was in the shower.
I'll see you.
- You Costanza? - Yeah.
Thanks for coming by, fellas.
Yeah, got a set of keys buried in the pothole.
- What are the keys doing in there? - Just need to dig them up.
- You put them in there? - No, no.
It's a long story.
Just try to get it up.
- Bad place to put your keys.
- Yeah, I know that.
- Could you start working? - Difficult job.
If you want those keys, we're gonna have to dig this up.
Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
- Is this about money? - Yeah, it's about money.
Excuse me, what are you doing in there? Nothing, I was just I wasrt in there.
You were hanging around in there, lazing on the job when you should have been downstairs in the basement cleaning out those old carpets and scrap wood.
Right, because l'm the janitor.
- Don't get smart with me.
- Yes, ma'am.
If you're heading north on the Arthur Berkhardt whoa, Nellie.
For some reason four lanes are converging into two instantaneously right at mile marker 114.
I don't know what that is, but the A.
B.
E.
's a parking lot out there.
Somebody screwed up on that one.
- Oh, it's you.
- Is the flounder here yet? No, it's not here yet.
You want the tour? There's this.
Nice.
French doors would really open this place up.
Oh, but you have a slop bucket.
The fish.
- What are you doing here? - Hey.
- Hey.
- Oh, I was I was waiting downstairs for the jackhammer.
- I just thought I'd drop by.
- Kramer's guys? Yeah.
I got them down to 50 bucks.
I just have to do all the jackhammering.
Oh, that's nice, kind of a hard-labor fantasy camp.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, sweet setup.
Look, Elaine, do you have any paint thinner? I need like 40 gallons.
- I'm plumb out.
- Oh, damn.
If I don't get that black paint off, the city's gonna go ape.
I don't wanna lose my baby.
- Janitor.
- It's Mrs.
Allister.
Yeah.
Yes, coming, Mrs.
Allister.
Okay, I've gotta get out.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Here.
Can you? You gotta move from the door.
Hi.
L What can I do for you? I told you yesterday to haul that trash out of the basement.
Yeah, I am so sorry.
Some of the children have been playing near it and putting it in their mouth.
Well, a lot of it is vegetables.
You mop it.
Get that stuff out of there today, or you'll be out of here, understand? - Yes, ma'am.
- Stop pushing.
- Kramer spilled ammonia.
- I don't feel like eating.
I'm gonna borrow this, huh? Janitors' meeting.
So, Jerry, why'd you call me? Well, I thought it's about time we put aside all this silliness.
I know now that you didn't put anything in my toilet bowl.
- Did you? - Yes, I did.
Well, whatever.
So how have you been? - Good.
- Good.
Steak knife? - It's just eating away at you, isn't it? - No.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Jerry, can I borrow your car? For what? I have to haul some dirty garbage to the dump.
Dirt? That's all right, because there's nothing wrong with dirt.
Well, actually, it's pretty grimy.
Grime, grease, filth, funk, ooze, whatever it is you take that stuff and put it right on my leather upholstery.
Well, I don't know who you are, but thanks for the car.
- Sure.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
There, you see? I just lent her my car and she's gonna fill it with all sorts of All right! You win.
That car was my last germfree sanctuary.
I slept there last night.
Now, for the love of God, please, what is it? What is it? - Toilet brush.
- Toilet brush.
- All right.
I can replace that.
- You wanna order dinner? Yeah.
Let's go to your place.
Because I threw out all my dishes.
That's true.
But I'll tell you this much: I am never going to let some silly hygienic mishap get in the way of what could be a meaningful, long-lasting relationship.
Do you hear something? I don't know what that could be.
Holy cow.
Anyway, I'm a new man and I'm looking towards the future.
Clean, dirty, whatever.
Holy cow.
Have a nice life.
Hey, look at this.
Wide lanes.
This is so luxurious.
Yeah.
Bugger.
What the hell was that? Double bugger.
Oh, the humanity! Hey, buddy.
What are you doing out here? Man, did you see that fireball? Hey, I gotta skedaddle.
You want a lift? Newman? Newman! All right, I'll meet you at the coffee shop.