The King of Queens s08e16 Episode Script

FOR A GUY WHO CAN'T SEE HIS OWN REFLECTION, DRACULA IS PRETTY WELL GROOMED.
LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE IS ON.
OH, LEAVE THAT.
MR.
PRIME MINISTER, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
CHARLIE ROSE? YOU REALIZE THAT'S PBS.
DOUG, WE NEVER WATCH ANYTHING THAT BROADENS OUR HORIZONS.
MAYBE THIS WILL GIVE US SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT.
WE WATCH TV SO WE DON'T HAVE TO TALK.
LET'S JUST TRY IT.
HE FINDS HIMSELF IN THE CENTER OF TODAY'S MOST PRESSING ISSUES- THE WAR ON TERROR, FUTURE SHAPE OF EUROPE- WHO'S HE INTERVIEWING? IT SAYS RIGHT THERE, THE PRIME MINISTER OF TURKEY.
I GOTTA LEVEL WITH YOU.
I'D RATHER SEE AN INTERVIEW WITH AN ACTUAL TURKEY.
ALL RIGHT.
SHH! TELL ME WHAT ROLE YOU THINK TURKEY CAN PLAY IN SHAPING- BET YOU 5 BUCKS CHARLIE PICKS UP HIS WATER GLASS IN THE NEXT 30 SECONDS.
COME ON.
I'LL GIVE YOU 3-TO-1 ODDS.
ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE ON.
OKAY.
COME ON.
YOU'RE BORED AND THIRSTY, CHARLIE.
COME ON, PICK IT UP, BUDDY.
COME ON, PICK IT UP.
CHARLIE, DON'T DO IT, DON'T DO IT! TAKE A SIP.
HEY, SIPSY RUSSELL! WANT TO GO DOUBLE OR NOTHING ON MASTERPIECE THEATER? AH, DOUGLAS.
WHAT IS THAT POWERFUL AROMA? I COULD ASK THE SAME THING.
IS THAT SOME KIND OF MELTED SANDWICH? YES, IT IS, AND I DON'T WANT YOU SHEDDING ON IT, SO COULD YOU STEP BACK? SO, I CAN'T BE NEAR YOUR FOOD.
THEN I ASSUME YOU'D REALLY GET UPSET IF I TOUCHED IT LIKE THIS, HUH? ACTUALLY, ALL YOU DID WAS TOUCH HOT BUTTER.
EXCUSE ME.
I NEED SOME SALVE.
OH, HEY.
DID YOU GET FITTED FOR YOUR SUIT FOR MY COUSIN FAYE'S WEDDING? NO, BUT IT'S RIGHT AT THE TOP OF MY TO-DO LIST.
HONEY, YOU UNDERSTAND THE WEDDING IS IN 2 WEEKS, AND YOU ARE A GUY WHO NEEDS A TAILOR'S HELP.
OK, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT BEHIND A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH? IF THE CHEESE COOLS, THIS WAS ALL FOR NOTHING.
ALL I'M ASKING YOU TO DO IS GET THE SUIT! AND ALL I'M ASKING YOU TO DO IS SHUTTY.
OHH! DOUG! OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU OK? CHEESE STILL HOT.
OK, TRY TO KEEP THE WEIGHT ON THE OTHER FOOT.
LET'S PLANT YOU ON THE COUCH.
I DON'T HAVE TO REMIND YOU TO DO THAT.
ALL RIGHT, REMEMBER THE DOCTOR SAID TO KEEP YOUR FOOT ELEVATED, AND YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOUR PILLS EVERY 3 HOURS.
NEXT ONE'S AT 4:00.
DID HE HAPPEN TO MENTION WHAT TIME YOU'RE GOING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY FOR PUSHING ME DOWN THE STAIRS! I DIDN'T PUSH YOU.
YOU FELL.
BECAUSE YOU HIT ME! BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GET FITTED FOR YOUR SUIT LIKE I ASKED YOU TO! SO YOU CRIPPLE ME? AND FOR THE TIME YOU RIPPED UP MY VOGUE MAGAZINE 'CAUSE YOU HAD TO MAKE YOUR COLLAGE.
IT WASN'T A COLLAGE.
I WAS CONSTRUCTING THE PERFECT WOMAN.
OK ANYWAY, THE DOCTOR SAID YOU'RE NOT CRIPPLED.
WITH A MONTH OF PHYSICAL THERAPY, YOU'LL BE FINE.
OH, JUST A MONTH AND EVERY DAY IT RAINS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE UPSET, OK? BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU, RIGHT? I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT.
WHAT? I JUST CAME UP FOR A GLASS OF WATER.
I DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE.
COME ON, DAD.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
YOU COULD HAVE KILLED HIM.
WITH HIM BEING BASICALLY UNINSURABLE, WHERE WOULD THAT LEAVE US? ALL RIGHT, WOULD YOU BACK OFF? IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
SHAME ON YOU, CARRIE.
I'VE PUSHED MANY PEOPLE DOWN FLIGHTS OF STAIRS, BUT DAMN IT, I'VE ALWAYS OWNED UP TO IT.
OK, PHYSICAL THERAPY'S ON THE 2nd FLOOR.
OH, THE SNACK BAR'S ON THE 5th FLOOR.
THIS DAY JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER.
WHAT THE HELL? THAT IS SICK! HEY, EXCUSE ME, WHAT'S THAT? THAT RIGHT THERE IS A LITTLE THING CALLED "SLAMBALL.
" GREAT, ANOTHER COOL THING WE CAN'T DO BECAUSE OF CARRIE.
YEAH, WE CAN'T WE CAN.
HEY, PUT US DOWN FOR TOMORROW.
HEFFERNAN.
H-E-F-F- WHOA.
DON'T GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF, CHIEF.
WE GOT A 3-MONTH WAITING LIST.
HEY! YOU CAN'T TOUCH HIM THERE.
HAVE YOU CHANGED YOUR PANTS SINCE YOU FELL DOWN THE STAIRS? IT'S A WHOLE THING GETTING THEM OFF.
JUST HEY, GUYS.
HEY, CARRIE.
HOW'D YOUR PHYSICAL THERAPY GO? PRETTY ROUGH.
WORKED SOME DEEP TISSUE ON MY THIGH WHILE I WENT TO MY SAFE PLACE.
ANYWAY, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE HUNGRY, SO I GOT YOU SOME BURGERS FROM WHITE CASTLE.
OH, THANK YOU.
AND I KNOW YOU LIKE THE FRIES FROM THE BOWLING ALLEY, SO THERE YOU GO.
GREAT.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A SODA.
I GOT TO TELL YOU- I FEEL LIKE GOING HOME AND HAVING KELLY PUSH ME DOWN SOME STAIRS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I'VE NEVER SEEN CARRIE SERVE YOU.
OR SMILE AT YOU.
SHE'S JUST ACTING ALL NICE.
I BET SHE FEELS GUILTY.
NO, IT'S MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
IT'S A FUNDAMENTAL CHANGE.
THE WHOLE BALANCE OF POWER HAS SHIFTED TO YOU.
GET OUT OF HERE.
AS LONG AS YOU KEEP THAT THING ON YOUR LEG, I BET YOU GET ANYTHING YOU WANT.
HERE YOU GO.
YOU ALL SET? UM ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, COULD YOU JUST TAKE THE PICKLES OFF THE BURGERS? SURE.
AND THEN CHOP THEM UP INTO LITTLE BITS, AND THEN PUT THEM BACK ON LIKE RELISH? I WASN'T KIDDING.
OH, OK.
WHAT'S UP? WELL, THE SWELLING'S GONE, AND YOU'VE GOT FULL MOBILITY BACK.
OH WHAT? IT WASN'T AS BAD AS WE THOUGHT.
YOU'RE 100 PERCENT.
OK, THAT IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.
I'M GOING TO NEED TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER.
UM, YOU CAN PAY ON YOUR WAY OUT.
I WAS PROMISED A MONTH OF PAIN AND DISCOMFORT.
I WAS PROMISED A MONTH.
A MONTH! COME ON, MAN.
YOU HAD A HELL OF A RIDE.
OH, GOD NOW I GOT TO GO TO HER COUSIN'S WEDDING ON SATURDAY.
SO? IT'S JUST A WEDDING.
IT'S A WICCAN WEDDING! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? THEY'RE WITCHES.
AND NOT HOT WITCHES LIKE TABITHA OR SABRINA.
IT'S GOING TO BE A NIGHTMARE.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? I GOT TO KEEP THIS THING GOING.
HERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? HOBBLE ME.
HOW AM I GOING TO HOBBLE YOU WITH THIS? JUST DO IT.
NO! FINE.
THEN I'LL DO IT, ALL RIGHT? HERE COWARD! UGH! DOUG, IS THAT YOU? YEAH, BE RIGHT UP.
ARE YOU OK? OH, YEAH.
I'M FINE.
WHAT HAPPENED? I THOUGHT YOU WERE GETTING BETTER.
I WAS.
I WAS AT PHYSICAL THERAPY TODAY, AND I TOLD THE GUY TO REALLY TEST ME, AND IT FELT GOOD FOR A WHILE, BUT THEN I HEARD THIS SOUND.
IT WAS LIKE A A SNAP CRACKLE SOUND.
HONEY, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE PUSHED IT.
I KNOW.
IT'S JUST THAT I, UH AH, NEVER MIND.
IT'S IT'S STUPID.
WHAT? TELL ME.
I REALLY WANTED TO DANCE WITH YOU AT YOUR COUSIN'S WEDDING, YOU KNOW? OUTSIDE, UNDER THE STARS.
OH, BABY.
THAT'S SO SWEET.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING.
I'M NOT GOING TO RISK HAVING YOU HURT YOURSELF AGAIN.
I'LL BE FINE.
JUST PROP ME UP AGAINST A TREE.
I AM GOING! OH, GOD! BABY! OH, MY- OH, GOD! OH! ARE YOU OK? HERE, LET'S GET YOU- OH, GOD! YOU DON'T GET CUTE WITH A KNEE.
I KNOW THAT NOW.
OH, SWEETHEART.
MMM LISTEN, IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO? MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER? ACTUALLY THERE'S LIKE 3 LEFTOVER WHITE CASTLE DOWNSTAIRS.
CAN YOU RE-HEAT THEM? YES, YES.
THANKS.
DOUG, PLEASE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO CARRY MY BAG.
I WANT TO SEE MY BABY OFF.
ALL RIGHT.
LET ME GET IT.
NO, I GOT IT! I HAVE TO LEARN, OK! OK, BABY.
AND THANK YOU.
I GOT IT.
ALL RIGHT.
DEACON, YOU'RE GOING TO BE WITH HIM, RIGHT? DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL GET HIM THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.
OK.
THANK YOU.
BYE, HONEY.
ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU TOLD HER, I'M NOT GIVING YOU A SPONGE BATH.
HOW ABOUT JUST A SHAMPOO? YOU ARE SUCH A WUSS.
THIS GUY JUST BOUGHT A STUN GUN.
I WORK IN THE SUBWAY.
I NEED THIS FOR PROTECTION.
ACTUALLY, IN HIS DEFENSE, HE HAS BEEN BEATEN, SET ON FIRE, AND VIOLATED TWICE.
ANYWAY, THAT LITTLE STUN GUN IS NOT GOING TO STOP ANYONE.
REALLY? WHY DON'T I TRY IT OUT ON YOU? MAKE IT WORTH MY WHILE.
I'LL GIVE YOU 20 BUCKS.
I'LL KICK IN 20.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
BUT YOU CAN'T SCREAM.
OPEN YOUR JACKET.
PAY UP.
I'LL HAVE TO OWE YOU.
OH, THAT'S YOUR PHONE.
COULD YOU GET IT? YEAH.
HELLO.
WH-OH, YEAH.
NO, NO, NO - WE WANT IT, WE'LL TAKE IT.
ALL RIGHT.
THANKS.
GUYS, REMEMBER HOW THE SLAMBALL COURT WAS BOOKED? WELL, THERE'S BEEN A CANCELLATION AND WE HAVE IT WEDNESDAY NIGHT.
THAT'S AWESOME.
WAIT A SEC.
YOU CAN'T GO.
YOU JUST CONVINCED CARRIE YOU HAD A MAJOR SETBACK.
SO? I'LL JUST GET ALL BETTER BY SLAMBALL.
YOU'RE GOING TO GO FROM CRIPPLED TO JUMPING ON A TRAMPOLINE IN 3 DAYS? SHE'LL NEVER BUY IT.
HOW ABOUT THIS? SHE COMES HOME SUNDAY NIGHT, RIGHT? I TELL HER I ICED MY KNEE ALL WEEKEND AND THE SWELLING WENT DOWN.
MONDAY, I DROP MY CRUTCH IN FRONT OF HER, I PUT WEIGHT ON THE KNEE, IT GOES WELL.
GUYS, I CAN'T SEE OUT OF MY LEFT EYE.
TUESDAY, MY DOCTOR CALLS, THE X-RAYS LOOK GOOD.
YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOUR DOCTOR TO GO ALONG WITH THIS? I THINK SO, BECAUSE MY DOCTOR IS YOU.
OOH! I'M AN ORTHOPEDIST.
THEN, WEDNESDAY MORNING, I INVITE CARRIE OUT FOR A WALK.
SHE BECOMES A PARTNER IN MY RECOVERY, SLAMBALL! HONEY, I'M HOME! HEY.
HEY, BABY.
YOU'RE HOME FROM THE WEDDING EARLY.
HOW WAS IT? I DON'T KNOW WHAT I ENJOYED MORE, THE MUD DANCING OR THE ACTUAL CEREMONY, WHICH I'M PRETTY SURE WAS OFFICIATED BY A CROW.
OFFICIATED BY A CROW.
ANYWAY, I'VE BEEN ICING MY KNEE ALL WEEKEND, AND I THINK THE SWELLING WENT DOWN.
I THINK I GOT SAP IN MY HAIR.
OH, GEEZ.
WOW, I GOT A LITTLE WEIGHT ON HER.
DOESN'T FEEL TOO BAD.
ALMOST A LITTLE BOUNCE ON THERE.
BOUNCY.
THAT'S GREAT, HONEY.
HEY, MAYBE LATER ON WE'LL GO FOR A WALK.
OK.
ARTHUR, WHY ARE THE LIGHTS OFF? YOU'LL SEE ME WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT.
WHAT'S GOING ON? I'M JUST LOOKING AT SOME FAMILY PHOTOS.
I THINK CARRIE WILL FIND THIS ONE INTERESTING.
NO CAST, NO CRUTCHES.
SO WHAT? THAT PICTURE COULD HAVE BEEN TAKEN A YEAR AGO.
LOOK AT THE COVER OF THAT MAGAZINE.
IT FEATURES A CLEARLY PREGNANT KATIE HOLMES.
DAMN IT! AND THE NEXT ONE WAS TAKEN BEFORE YESTERDAY'S KNICKERBOCKER GAME.
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE- YOU RECEIVING THE NEWS ABOUT THE RETURN OF THE McRIB SANDWICH.
TURN IT OFF.
TURN IT OFF! WHAT DO YOU WANT, OLD MAN? I WANT WHAT YOU'VE GOT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I'M TALKING ABOUT POWER.
FROM NOW ON, I'M GETTING EVERYTHING I WANT FROM CARRIE THROUGH YOU! OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT.
I'M TAKING THIS.
THE NEGATIVES ARE IN A LOCKER AT THE STATEN ISLAND Y.
HEY, HONEY? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FOR DINNER? LIVER AND ONIONS.
OH, NO, NO, NO- LIVER AND ONIONS.
SAY IT.
LIVER AND ONIONS.
REALLY? OK.
YO, SLAMBALL TIME.
I CAN'T GO.
WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE 3-DAY PLAN? IT WAS GOING GREAT UNTIL ARTHUR FOUND OUT.
NOW HE'S BLACKMAILING ME, SO I GOT TO KEEP PRETENDING I'M HURT.
WHAT'S ALL THIS? HE'S MAKING ME SORT OUT HIS DIRTY PLAYING CARDS BY CUP SIZE.
THAT ONE BELONGS IN ITS OWN PILE.
COME ON, MAN.
WE NEED 4 GUYS.
DOUGLAS, STOP DILLY-DALLYING.
I'VE HAD SOME DRAMBUIE AND I WANT TO PLAY SOLITAIRE.
LET'S DO THIS.
I'M DOIN' IT.
YOU SURE? I'LL JUST TELL CARRIE I'M GOING TO PHYSICAL THERAPY.
WHAT ABOUT ARTHUR? GIVE ME 10 MINUTES.
HOW'S THE BORSCHT? FIRST-RATE.
SHAME CARRIE HAD TO GO ALL THE WAY TO YONKERS TO GET IT FOR "YOU.
" YEAH, IT'S TOO BAD.
STRANGE I FEEL A BIT LIGHT-HEADED.
THAT'S FUNNY.
WHAT DO I HAVE HERE? OH, THE SLEEPING PILLS THAT CARRIE GOT FOR "ME.
" I MUST SAY, YOU PLAYED THE PART OF THE LUMBERING IMBECILE QUITE WELL.
WELL, THANK YOU.
AND WHEN YOU START TO DROOL, KEEP IT IN THE BOWL.
GIVE ME THE BALL.
I'M OPEN! HI, I'M CARRIE HEFFERNAN.
OH, YOU'RE DOUG'S WIFE.
YES.
MY FATHER WROTE ME THIS NOTE BEFORE HE FELL ASLEEP.
"HELP DOUG.
" HE HAD AN APPOINTMENT WITH YOU TODAY.
IS HE ALL RIGHT? I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN 2 WEEKS, EVER SINCE HIS KNEE WAS BETTER.
BETTER? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HE HAD A HUGE SETBACK.
HE DID? WELL, HAVE HIM CALL ME.
YEAH! WHOO! WHOO-HOO-HOO-YEOW! YEAH! HEY CAR.
KIND OF CRAZY THERAPY, HUH? YOU'VE BEEN FAKING THIS WHOLE TIME? NO, NOT THE WHOLE TIME.
GET OFF OF THERE.
NO.
DOUG, DON'T BOUNCE AWAY FROM ME.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU PUT ME THROUGH? HUH? ALL THE THINGS YOU MADE ME DO FOR YOU.
SOME THINGS I CAN'T EVEN MENTION.
YOU MADE ME FEEL SO GUILTY THAT I'VE BEEN ACTUALLY LISTENING TO ANGER MANAGEMENT TAPES.
YOU MAY WANT TO POP ONE IN NOW.
YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? LET ME TELL YOU SOME- DOUG OK.
DOUG YOU KNOW WHAT, DOUG? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS! I'M SORRY, OK? OH, YOU'RE SORRY.
THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! YEAH.
IT'S FUN, RIGHT? I'M STILL MAD AT YOU.
TRY THE SIT DOWN.
I DON'T WANT TO.
WHOO! GIVE IT A SHOT.
COME ON.
WHOO! THERE YOU GO! IT'S GREAT, RIGHT? BOUNCE IT OUT.
GO HIGHER.
I DON'T WANT TO.
I'M SCARED.
YOU DO IT, HONEY.
OK, WATCH ME.
GO HIGHER, BABY.
HIGHER, BABY.
COME ON, HIGHER! HIGHER! OHH! I GOT DANNY.
I'LL TAKE CARRIE.
I GOT ARTHUR.
UM COME ON! ALL RIGHT.