Desperate Housewives s08e17 Episode Script

Previously on Desperate Housewives Carlos needed to make a change.
I am miserable at work.
I can't do it anymore.
Orson sent the police an anonymous tip.
Got a feeling about this.
Enough of a feeling to go dig up a construction site? Mike protected Renee He is a good man.
But he paid the price.
Every day on Wisteria Lane, women face their share of problems like a paperboy who's off the mark an appliance that's out of whack or a report card that's below par.
These everyday problems can seem like matters of life and death.
I've told your paperboy ten times the flower bed sprinklers go on at 6:00 A.
M.
sharp.
I don't know how you can call him a repairman if after he visits, the thing is not repaired.
And get this, Carlos.
Her math teacher wrote, "the only thing worse than her arithmetic is her attitude.
" But then something truly horrible comes along and we rush to hold on to what really matters Mike! Before it's gone forever.
When a loved one dies, certain decisions have to be made.
A coffin must be selected.
A headstone must be picked.
Clothes must be chosen.
Preparing a body for burial is never an easy thing to do But unearthing one can be even harder.
Hey! I think we got something.
What do you think? You look handsome.
What's that under your shirt? My little tribute to Mike.
He would've loved that.
He was always trying to get me to go to Indianapolis for a game.
And I was too busy being a big executive, helping rich people get richer.
That'll be a Great eulogy someday, huh? Is this about you wanting to quit your job again so you can be an underpaid counselor? I'm never gonna be able to get you to understand this, am I? What a difference it would make in my life if I felt like I was helping people.
You're right.
I'm never gonna understand it, and I also don't understand why we have to talk about this today.
Because my best friend is dead, and he died trying to help people, so if you ask me, it kind of seems like the perfect day to talk about it.
This one? Sure.
Um, shoes? You pick.
Hi, Reverend.
Hello, Julie.
Susan.
I, um, wanted to show you a rough draft of Mike's funeral service.
It's what we discussed a standard episcopalian ceremony.
I'm sure it'll be fine.
Um, just wanted to see if you'd like to add anything to make it a little more personal.
Readings, for example.
Did he have any favorite poems? Any favorite writers? Mike really wasn't much of a reader.
That's fine.
Were you planning on saying something during the service? Like what, "I wish someone hadn't murdered my husband"? Mom He's just trying to help.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I just, uh I don't know what I would say that would be enough.
I don't know how to tell people what kind of man Mike was what kind of father and husband and friend he was.
I just never thought I would have to sum up his life before he was done living it.
It's going to be okay.
Please, Reverend, if there's one thing that I know for sure at this moment, is that bothing is ever going to be okay again.
Hey.
Hey.
How's Susan holding up? She'll be really glad you came.
I caught the first flight after you called me.
I'm just, uh I'm still in shock.
You know what I keep thinking about all morning? Do you remember that time you, me, Mike, and Susan rented those cabins by the lake? Oh, no.
The pontoon boat? Yeah, the pontoon boat with the broken gas gauge.
And I kept telling everybody, "Don't worry.
- They'll come looking for us.
" - And then the sun started to go down.
Who knew Mike was such a great swimmer? I know.
It was half a mile to shore, at least, in cold water.
He was an amazing guy.
I just can't believe I'm never gonna see him walk out of that house again.
I'm sorry.
I've been doing a really good job keeping it together until now.
I'm so sorry, Lynette.
He really seemed like a good guy.
Yeah.
He was a great guy.
Well, we should probably get going.
Hey.
You want to ride with us to the church? No.
I still have to get ready.
So you guys go ahead.
Hey, Bree.
Oh.
Please tell me you're not wearing that to the funeral.
Uh, actually that's why I was coming over.
I'm not going to the funeral, so could you please tell Susan how sorry I am? You have to be there.
The whole neighborhood is going.
Uh, yeah, and they'll all be thinking, "There's the woman that Mike was protecting "when he beat up that loan shark.
She's the reason he's dead.
" Renee Mike stuck his neck out for me, and now Susan's a widow, and a 9-year-old kid has to grow up without a father.
Look, I know you feel awful about what happened, but today is about honoring Mike.
You do not get to make this about your guilt.
Why are you looking at me like that? Because you're right, and it's annoying.
Come on.
Go get changed, and I will save you a seat.
Ugh.
I really hate today.
Me, too.
Mrs.
Van de Kamp? Can I help you? I'm detective Heredia, Fairview P.
D.
Oh.
Uh, if this is about Mike Delfino's murder, I'd be happy to help, but as you can see, I'm on my way to his funeral.
Actually, we already made an arrest in that case.
Thank God.
I'm here on an unrelated matter.
It's a missing persons investigation.
Oh? Yeah, I'd like you to come down and answer some questions.
Now? Please.
As she arrived at Mike Delfino's funeral, Gaby considered what her friend Susan must be going through.
After all, Mike was the love of Susan's life, and that got Gaby thinking about the love of hers.
So what do you think? A lot of things.
Most of them obscene.
I like it, too! It's royal wedding with just a hint of slut.
So how much? Who cares? You get what you pay for, and you are getting this.
$12,000? Dios mio.
We didn't even pay this much for our first house.
Yeah, well, how much can mud and straw cost? Ladies.
We are having a nice time.
Let's try and keep it that way.
Now be honest, mama.
Don't you like the dress? Does it only come in white? I'm just saying, she's not fooling anybody.
Well, I think she looks beautiful.
We'll take it.
No.
I will not let you spend money like that.
Uh, could you give us a moment? Ugh.
What are you doing? She loves the dress, and you keep insulting it.
You just don't get it, do you, Carlos? This is only the beginning.
You give in to her with this dress, she'll bleed you dry.
Trust me.
That woman is a gold digger.
Hit her, Carlos.
Hit her.
Mama, you know I love you, but if you say one more critical thing about Gaby, don't bother coming to our wedding.
Understood? Well, I guess you've made your choice.
I just hope she realizes how lucky she is.
Mm.
No.
I am the lucky one.
I've never met anyone like her, and when she smiles at me, you can't put a price on it.
So I don't care if I have to work to keep her happy.
I'll do it.
Carlos, sweetie, you know what would really make this dress pop is Oh.
No, I shouldn't.
Tell me.
What? Well, it's probably too much, but a pair of diamond earrings? Then our next stop is a jewelry store.
Mm.
Hey.
What are those stains on the living room rug? The green is Juanita's puke, the yellow is Celia's puke, and the red is my Merlot.
Since when are you drinking wine in the middle of the afternoon? Since the girls started puking in the middle of the afternoon.
Your soup is coming, Juanita! Yes, Celia, yours, too! Here.
My shift is over.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
I can't, Gaby.
Not tonight.
Why not? I've been with them since they got the stupid stomach flu.
I haven't slept in four days.
I need a break, Carlos.
Tomorrow morning, ten clients from Japan are flying in, and in order for me to win their giant account, I have to wow them with a PowerPoint presentation that I have not even started yet.
All I hear is "blahbety-blah.
Japan.
Blahbety blah.
" I need a massage.
Oh, my God.
Not again.
Every time a bell rings, an angel does not get its wings.
A child almost gets hit! It's just endless.
If something isn't coming out of their mouths, it's coming out of their butts.
Every opening is on full service.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm starting to lose my mind! Okay.
Okay.
Go get your massage.
I will take care of them tonight.
What about Japan? This is more important.
I told you I would always take care of you.
Go.
Go get your massage.
Hey, girls! Daddy's home! I got your soup! Surprise taco visit.
Don't get too excited.
That's not a euphemism.
Hey, babe, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
What are you in the middle of? Obviously not shaving or putting on deodorant.
You look like a terrorist.
Can you please just come back later? Okay.
I mean, I thought it'd be nice to have lunch together, but fine.
I'll just leave these for you.
Mike? Hey, Gaby.
So Mike gets to come visit, but not me? Mike is just being a friend.
He gets what I'm going through.
Ah, I did my own little stint in rehab.
I know how hard this can be.
Right.
What do I know? I'm only his wife.
Gaby.
Gaby, wait.
He's a little on edge right now.
Cut him some slack.
You think I came here to give him a hard time? I just want to be here for him.
Yeah, but you being here just reminds him how he's messing everything up.
He feels like he's failing you.
- Oh, that's ridiculous.
- Why do you think he's pushing you away? He can't stand you seeing him like this, and frankly, I think he's a little scared.
Of what? He's always provided for you, and if you think he can't do that anymore, he's afraid you might leave him.
Mike was a good man and so are you.
You should quit your job.
What? But you said that I was wrong.
If being a counselor's gonna make you happy, then that's what you should do.
As Lynette looked at a wedding photo of Susan and Mike, she thought about the tragic end of their marriage, and that started her thinking about the beginning of her own.
Oh, I got this.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
I got it.
Why? 'Cause you're the guy? No, because I asked you out.
It's only fair.
Let me get it.
No.
Next time.
Next time? You're asking me out on a second date? Abso-tively.
Okay, but you should know I have a 3-date rule before I even consider sleeping with someone.
For the record, I wasn't, uh, expecting anything.
That said, if you take me out for coffee now, I would be willing to consider that a second date.
And what if after that, I offered you half the candy bar I have in my glove compartment? Would that count as a third date? Let's have the coffee first and see how it goes, shall we? Let's get out of here.
So do we need to tell H.
R.
about this? Why would we? Well, I think they want to know when employees get in a relationship.
Tom, we don't have to do the whole relationship thing.
I am not one of those girls looking for a ring and kids and a house in the suburbs.
Although I am kind of partial to white picket fences.
You don't think there's anybody out there who can make you change your mind? Not for the next seven years.
I have this whole plan where I become Vice President.
Of the United States? I meant the company, but we'll see.
Okay.
Can I look now? My back is aching, my ankles are swollen, and your hands smell like cheese.
Ta-da! What is this? It's your dream house.
Someone already bought it.
Yeah, I did, for you.
Ow! What the hell's wrong with you? You don't just buy someone a house.
The exception to the rule being dream houses.
No, you still should've consulted me.
This is a decision we're supposed to make together - and - Ow! Oh, cramp.
Oh, my foot.
- Here.
Sit down.
- Okay.
Sit down.
Here.
- Where is it? Right there? - Right there.
Right there.
Come on.
Admit it.
This is kind of nice.
Yeah, it's nice, but I have certain things I want in a home.
I know.
Like a-a tree house for the twins to play in.
There's the perfect tree for it.
And an herb garden there's a great spot on the other side of the house.
And of course, your white picket fence, just like you always dreamed about.
Wait.
I never said anything about a white picket fence.
Sure, you did.
On our first date.
You said you were a sucker for a white picket fence.
There's no way I said that on our first date.
You did.
I remember, because as soon as you said it, I got this image of us sitting on our porch, watching our kids play while we drink lemonade and look out over our white picket fence.
Yeah, this does seem like a nice place.
I'm sorry I did this without you, but I knew, when I saw this house, that you would love it.
Because I know you better than anyone.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Ow! - Here.
These are yours, too.
- Ah.
Thanks.
Um, do you mind if I take the portable CD player? The one I use while I'm cooking? How else am I gonna play my CDs? Yeah.
Sure.
Take it.
Okay.
Thanks.
How you doing? Great.
It's all the fun of a garage sale without making any money and only getting rid of stuff you really like.
Why aren't you fighting harder? It's just a CD player.
I'm talking about your marriage.
Lynette, you know me.
I hate talking about this stuff, but everybody on the street knows you and tom are supposed to be together.
I don't know.
At this point, there's so many bad feelings, I think time apart will help us.
It won't.
I've been through this.
All right, I know how it goes.
Each of you waiting for the other one to admit they were wrong, beg to be taken back.
The problem is, the whole time you're waiting, you're just growing further apart.
But you and Susan got back together.
And I kick myself every day for letting it take so long.
What I'm trying to say is, somebody's gotta make the first move.
I can't right now.
I'm too angry.
And one day you won't be.
I hope it's not too late.
For either one of you.
Don't let it bother you, honey.
What? Tom, showing up with his girlfriend.
It's fine.
I actually don't think it's gonna last that much longer.
Yeah? You heard something? No, I decided something.
Bree Van de Kamp found herself helpless in the face of a powerful man.
And this got her thinking about the ways she'd handled powerful men before and how she'd learned to do it.
Bree.
What are you making? Honey pecan pie.
It's your father's favorite.
Can I help? Pie's done, but I can teach you how to make whipped cream.
Of course there's so many things I should probably teach you first.
Like what? Like how to be a woman.
That is the most important lesson I can pass down.
As the cream thickens, you whip it a little faster, okay? Don't I become a woman just by getting older? Oh, no, Bree.
There's some things you're too young to understand, but I think you're old enough to learn about the mask.
The mask? It's what my mother called it.
It's the face you wear when you don't want people to know what you're feeling.
All well-brought-up women conceal their emotions.
It's very useful, especially when dealing with men.
Why? Well, if a man knows what you're thinking, it gives him power over you.
For example, if a man knows how much you love him, he'll take you for granted.
He'll hurt you carelessly, cruelly, constantly.
Does daddy know that you love him? Yes.
I have told him repeatedly that I cannot live without him.
If you're so upset with him, why are you making his favorite pie? Because after all of these years, I've forgotten how to wear my mask.
So now I must do things to distract daddy.
Like this pie.
When I bring it out, he'll be so excited, he won't notice the devastation in my eyes.
Devastation? Mm-hmm.
It's an emotion.
The kind you might feel when your friend calls to say your husband's LeSabre was seen in the parking lot of a certain motel, next to his secretary's bonneville.
Practice your mask.
Oh, no.
Honey, that's too much.
All you need is the hint of a smile.
Perfect.
When an expression like that, no one will ever know what you're really thinking.
And I'll have power over men? God, I hope so.
Why are you angry? Who says I'm angry? After all these years, you don't think I can read you? Well, if I'm such an open book, what am I angry about? So you admit you're angry.
I admit no such thing.
You know this thing you're doing and what thing would that be? You put on this plastic face to keep me in the dark about what you're really feeling.
A-and I walk around on eggshells for days, not knowing which end is up.
Well, maybe I don't feel safe sharing every single thought and emotion I have with you.
Hmm.
Well, that's a horrible thing to say.
Of course you can feel safe with me.
I'm your husband.
I love you.
Please.
Okay.
After dessert, you paid a certain compliment to Gabrielle.
You gotta be kidding.
It was hurtful.
To who? To me.
You told her she was the most gorgeous woman you'd ever met.
- She was a model.
- I don't care.
You don't say that with your wife standing right next to you.
I'm going to bed.
Now? You wanted to know what I was feeling.
I'm feeling hurt and humiliated.
And I think you're dumb to feel those things.
Are you coming to bed? Or are you just gonna stay down here and pout? Actually, I was just thinking about my mother and how insightful she was.
Insightful about what? I'll be right along.
I just want to, uh tidy up first.
Okay.
Oh, and, Rex? I'll be serving Belgian waffles for breakfast.
Wow.
They're my favorite.
Mm.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
It's quite all right.
Although I'm still a little unclear as to why you brought me here.
Have you ever met a man by the name of ramon Sanchez? No, I don't believe I have.
Why? He disappeared from his home a few months ago.
And we just got a tip that he's dead.
Oh, my.
You say you never met him? Ramon Sanchez.
No, that name doesn't ring a bell.
Well, you see, because of this tip, someone out there is accusing you of killing Mr.
Sanchez.
Oh, good heavens.
That's just silly.
And as it happens, Mr.
Sanchez was found exactly where the tipster said he would be.
And was he Dead? Yes, ma'am.
What a shame.
Because you have been identified as Mr.
Sanchez's killer you had no choice but to bring me in for questioning.
I understand.
So I have to ask you Did you kill him? Absolutely not.
I must say, you are hard to read.
Thank you.
What a lovely compliment.
You think that's a compliment? I was raised to be composed at all times.
This is obviously a very stressful situation finding myself accused of a horrific crime.
And the fact that you would think that I'm comporting myself with a measure of grace and dignity Well, that's a thoughtful thing to say.
You're very sweet.
Now do you have any other questions? I hate to rush you, but I'm late for the funeral of a very dear friend.
Hmm.
I can't think of a thing.
Well, it was lovely meeting you, and I do hope you find out what happened to Mr.
Sanchez.
I'm sure we will.
See? What did I tell you? She's something all right.
I'm just not sure what we got by bringing her down here.
We got her fingerprints.
"I am the resurrection and the life" As Susan listened to the kind words the minister had to say about Mike, she found herself at a loss.
She knew people wanted to hear from her, but she had no idea what she wanted to say.
I can't believe you're making me do this.
Oh, wait.
I think what you mean to say is, "Susan, sweet, wonderful Susan, "thank you for marrying me and allowing me the honor of carrying your beautiful behind inside our house.
" You are so drunk right now.
No, I am not.
I'm just Oh, I've never been this happy in my life.
I feel like I could float.
I wish you could.
Aah! Oh.
Yeah, I'm happy, too.
That's it? "I'm happy"? Well, that covers it.
What do you want from me? I'm not a big word guy.
Okay.
Come on, mister Strong and silent.
What? Write me a poem.
Oh, leave me alone with this stuff.
It's my wedding night, and I want a poem.
Come on.
Let's go.
All I remember is this thing from when I was a kid.
I'll take it.
Give me my poem, husband.
I love you once.
I love you twice.
I love you more than beans and rice.
Oh.
Now that is a poem.
Oh.
It's really smart you guys are doing this.
When people die without a will, it can be a nightmare.
You okay, honey? Of course I'm okay.
We're about to talk about us dying for the next two days.
If it makes you feel any better, nobody enjoys this.
I'm shocked to hear that.
You got any cancer pamphlets in there? In case we finish early.
Susan, come on.
This is important.
We got the baby coming.
We got the house.
I'm not saying a will isn't important.
I'm saying it's a beautiful day.
We should take a walk or something and deal with this dying stuff on a nice, dreary, rainy day.
Um, bathroom's right there, Bob.
I don't need to use the bathroom.
Or maybe I do.
Okay.
What is it? We're jinxing us.
By doing this, we're telling death, "come on in.
" No, it's when you don't do this that it's a jinx.
Look, I'm a plumber, and it's always the people that don't have homeowner's insurance whose toilets explode.
Is it what they eat? Missing my point.
No, avoiding your point.
Go wash your hands.
Please? We'll do it Saturday.
I promise.
Look, I know it's tough, but indulge me, okay? Because if something happens, there's nothing more important to me than knowing that you and you are taken care of.
Bob, come on! We're not paying you to go to the bathroom.
Oh, this is what I'm talking about.
None of that kobe beef, arugula, and goat cheese nonsense.
Give me good old-fashioned ground beef, American cheese, and iceberg lettuce any day.
Well, I am glad you're happy, but I am not sure that any burger is worth a half-hour drive in the car.
That's just 'cause you haven't taken a bite yet.
Juanita said Mrs.
Van de Kamp's boyfriend got killed by a car.
Uh, yes.
Yes, he did.
Um and it was an accident.
It was very sad.
But you don't have to worry.
As long as we remember to look both ways before we cross the street, that'll never happen to us.
Where do we go when we die? Well, you know, we go to heaven.
I know, but does everyone go? Everyone you know will go to heaven.
What about animals? Animals go to heaven, too.
What about bugs? Bugs are annoying.
We don't want bugs in heaven.
What about the animals that eat the bugs? Won't they starve? You're right.
There are bugs in heaven.
But if all the people and all the animals and all the bugs that ever lived go to heaven, isn't it super crowded? No, sweetie.
Heaven is perfect.
How is it perfect? I mean, what's it like? You wanna jump in here? Buddy, this is heaven.
It is? Sure.
Sitting with the people you love more than anything in the world, eating a double cheeseburger and fries it's gotta be heaven.
- You know what else is heaven? - What? That place we fish.
Near the waterfall? Yep.
Heaven.
And when we watch football together and mom brings us trays of snacks.
That's heaven, too? If heaven is supposed to be the happiest place you can be, don't all those places sound like it to you? What are hamburgers made out of? 'Cause I know they're not ham.
Thank you for coming to help honor Mike Delfino's life.
The family invites you to join them at the cemetery.
Uh I changed my mind.
Hi.
I-I wasn't, uh, planning to say anything because, uh I had absolutely no idea what to say.
Mike and I never talked about what he wanted for a funeral.
I think it's because, um Well, you know Mike.
He wasn't really much of a talker.
Some of you, as you came by to hug me today, you said that he's in a better place.
And you know what? I I realize now He is.
He is in a diner eating cheeseburgers with his family And he's fishing at a waterfall and he's watching football with his son, yelling like a maniac.
So Since he has to be in all those wonderful places I'm going to have to say good-bye to him now.
Good-bye, Mike.
I love you once.
I love you twice.
Oh.
I love you more than beans and rice.
You know what? Mike was right.
This was the best freaking burger I've ever had in my life.
You got that right.
Susan, you haven't eaten a thing.
Aren't you starving? I-I just remembered it's Mike's password for his voice mail.
I have to call the cell phone company, or they're gonna charge us for an extra month.
I can do that for you.
I will call them first thing tomorrow morning.
M.
J.
signed up for pitching for little league this year.
Mike was supposed to teach him.
Oh, honey, I'll send Carlos over to coach him.
I gave him two girls who hate sports, so he'll be thrilled.
Mike was always checking the tires on our car with this thingy.
I don't know where the thingy is.
I just know it was important and it kept us safe.
Hey.
Hey.
Tom's still taking care of our cars.
I'll just tell him to add yours to his to-do list from now on.
Oh.
Susan, we are gonna do everything we can to hold you up, okay? Okay.
Yes, as much as death takes from us, it also gives.
It teaches us what's truly important like giving back after a lifetime of taking going after something we never should have let go of or looking back on what made us who we are.
But sometimes the lessons learned after a person's death aren't the ones we expected.
Forensics says the prints on the mug match the prints we found on the dead guy.
Whole time she was dating Chuck, I never trusted her.
You think we got enough to arrest her? Probably.
Let's hold off.
I wanna make sure we get enough to put this bitch away for good.