Frasier s08e17 Episode Script

ROZ: Hi, Niles.
- Hey, Roz.
Hey, how's Daphne? Actually, I just got back from visiting her at the spa.
ROZ: Yeah.
- It wasn't easy, but she has already lost Wow, good for her.
It's all about will power.
NILES: Yeah.
- Oh, thanks.
I'm going back to the spa this coming weekend, if you need a ride.
These aren't for me.
Alice's school is having a picnic, and I'm bringing the goodies.
Yes, so I see.
Just don't get them sunburned.
I'm sorry.
It's just Well, aren't you a little overdressed for a picnic? Well, there is this cute single dad named Greg.
- Oh.
- He's going through a divorce.
His wife cheated on him.
He's so nice too.
He deserves a woman he can trust.
Do these look like I baked them? Yes, just as long as they don't taste like you baked them.
- Gotta go.
- All right.
- Hi, Roz.
ROZ: Hey, Frasier.
Can I get a latte to go, please? Well, Niles, it's official, our old high school is on the verge of bankruptcy.
What happened to the fundraising committee? We disbanded it this morning.
- I don't believe it.
FRASIER: Yeah.
- Bryce Academy gone.
- Mm-hm.
- No more third-floor library.
- No.
No more science lab.
Oh, gosh, I stole my first kiss in that science lab.
Jill Solomon.
She was pretty upset about it, but I was beaming all the way to the nurse's office.
No more nurse's office.
I spent many a happy gym class there.
- Frasier, we can't let this happen.
- I don't see how we can prevent it.
Believe me, there are no more alumni arms left to be twisted.
Well, maybe we're twisting the wrong arms.
We know plenty of people who give to any cause that comes along.
FRASIER: Perhaps you're right.
Let's get some of that cash flowing Bryce's way.
How soon we can get our well-to-do friends together? No time to waste, Niles.
How's Wednesday evening? No, can't.
Theatre tickets.
How about Thursday? An appointment at the spa.
- Well, can you change it? - Well, not willingly.
It's with the good masseur, the blind one.
He's blind.
When he said he couldn't see clients, I thought he was just booked all week.
We should probably talk strategy before the guests get here.
Yes, all right, we don't wanna pounce.
Let's let them get settled in, have a few cocktails, and then, when they're sufficiently relaxed, we'll shear them like Delilah.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Our first guest.
Let the fundraising begin.
Hello, one and all.
Please come in, please come in.
Thank you for coming.
Let me take your wrap.
Here we are.
Please make yourselves at home.
MAN: The place looks wonderful.
FRASIER: Thank you.
- I love that painting.
- Really? It's hardly as impressive as that portrait that Hockney did of your wife.
- You like it? - Mm-hm.
- Make me an offer.
- Excuse me? Between you and me, I'm getting hammered by margin calls.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Need a watch? Oh, actually, that's not really Oh, Mertzie.
Oh, good to see you.
How is everything? So the judge voided our prenup, and if that's not bad enough, I'm paying half her lawyer's fee.
These Russian gals look good on the Internet, but How are things going on your side of the room? Not very well.
Seems Marshall sank all his money into a new house.
Sally sank all her money into a new boat, which sank.
Wait, Niles, the door.
Isn't that? Oh, yes, it is.
Eleanor Lynch.
I heard she got a huge settlement from the Mariners after that baseball bat flew into the stands No, no, no, the woman next to her.
Isn't that Penelope Janvier? Of the Penelope Janvier Foundation? Oh, yes, it is.
Niles, this is amazing luck.
She could write a cheque covering the amount without batting an eye.
Don't put it that way in front of Eleanor.
- Let's go talk to her.
- No, no, wait.
We're only gonna have one crack.
We'd better make it good.
- Let's devise a plan.
Come with me.
- All right, all right.
- Oh! - Oh, goodness, are you all right? Oh, I just twisted my ankle.
Well, well, sit down.
I'll take this back to the kitchen for you.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, sweetheart.
Need some more Crunch 'n Munch.
- Oh, I'm not a MARTIN: I'm sorry.
I'm sure you're busy, but if my sons see me traipsing through their party, they'll think I'm gonna embarrass them in front of all their stuffed-shirt friends.
You look familiar.
You ever dance? - Now, we've got to appear casual.
- Should we start with small talk? Perhaps, perhaps.
Oh, yes, you know, I recall an aphorism that's usually attributed to Santayana, but I have my own little version.
We've got to get out there.
Give me a chance to get the words.
"Money cannot so enrich a man" - She's talking to Dad.
- Let's get the hell out there.
Dad, what happened with that woman just now? Nothing.
She got a phone call and she had to leave.
- She said to say thanks.
- Come off it.
You offended her.
What was it, Dad? A bawdy joke? Nose whistling? Do you have any idea who that was? Yes, she said her name was Penelope Janvier or Janvier or Janvier, Dad.
Jan, Jan Oh, it doesn't matter.
Well, it does to me.
I wanna say her name right if we're having dinner tomorrow.
- You didn't ask her out, did you, Dad? - No, she asked me out.
I'm sorry, Dad.
It's just that I'm a little shocked.
I think that's pronounced: "Sorry, Dad, I'm a condescending jackass.
" NILES: Dad left to meet Penelope five hours ago.
What could they be doing? I can think of one possibility.
You think On a first date? Niles, they went to a steak house.
Penelope's paying.
I'm sorry, but I don't think a 48 ouncer is out of the question.
You know, Niles, hard to believe, but Penelope Janvier could actually become Dad's girlfriend.
Well, that's not so preposterous.
Mom was as cultured and intelligent as they come and he certainly made her happy.
That he did.
You know, it might be good for Dad too.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
It certainly won't hurt our fundraising efforts.
- For Bryce.
- For Bryce.
[MARTIN AND PENELOPE CHATTERING.]
He's back.
Is that a woman's voice? My God, she came home with him.
- Dad.
- Dad, hey, how was your evening? MARTIN: Couldn't have gone better.
FRASIER: Dad, am I mistaken, or did we just hear the sound of a woman's voice out here? Oh, yeah, she's in the powder room.
But, listen The powder room? I haven't changed the hand towels for three days.
[NILES TSKS.]
Don't you cluck your tongue at me.
Estelle, I'd like you to meet my boys.
This is Frasier and Niles.
- Hello.
- Nice to meet you guys.
Lovely.
Thanks for letting me use the john.
Oh, sure.
So see you tomorrow, okay? Great.
- Bye, guys.
- Bye-bye.
I'm beat.
Well, see you guys tomorrow.
BOTH: Dad? Oh, all right.
Here's what happened.
Penelope and I got along great, but after I dropped her off, I was still hungry.
So I went to this little coffee shop near McGinty's to get some chilli fries.
Now, I know what you're wondering.
Doesn't McGinty's have chilli fries? Yes, and they're very tasty.
Who the hell is Estelle? She works at the coffee shop.
We got chatting, the next thing you know, we're having a nightcap at McGinty's.
Hey, when it rains, it pours.
Yes, Dad, but what about Penelope? - Oh, I'm seeing her Tuesday.
- You just made a date with Estelle.
Not for Tuesday.
You're gonna date both of them? - Are you sure that's wise? - Well, it's just dating.
I met them both at the same time.
I like them both.
- Where's the harm in it? - Don't you think it's a little risky? What if one of them should find out about - Penelope, for example.
- Yes, yes.
You wouldn't want to alienate her permanently.
Oh, don't worry.
I've watched you juggle.
I've got a pretty good handle on what not to do.
- Oh, hi, Niles.
- Hey, Roz.
Off to another picnic, I see.
Yeah, Greg and I are really hitting it off.
He loves my cooking.
I'm sorry, miss, we're out of lemon bars.
Well, make some more.
And give me a dirty pan.
I need to put it in my sink.
I'm sorry.
Our baker doesn't come in until tomorrow.
- I can give you the recipe.
- What am I supposed to do with that? - Bake? - Is that supposed to be funny? Good Lord, Niles.
You won't believe this.
"Bryce trustees are already reviewing a proposal for the purchase of their land.
" Dad just walked in.
Let's drop another hint about meeting Penelope.
Time for hints has passed.
We've got to be direct.
Dad is not gonna let us ask his girlfriend for money.
I didn't say honest.
I said direct.
Try to keep up, for God's sakes.
MARTIN: Hey, guys.
- Hey, Dad.
Have a seat.
Have a seat.
So Wow, is that espresso? Yeah, a little "pick me up" in between dates.
Boy, this juggling thing isn't as easy as I make it look.
But don't you worry.
They're both getting first-class passage on the S.
S.
Martin.
Oh, that's where you get that from.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
That's me.
- You got a cell phone? - Well, sure, I had to.
You don't think I'm gonna give them both my home number, do you? Come on, Fras, that's amateur hour.
See I programmed the phone for different rings depending on who's calling, so that way I don't get caught off guard.
Now this is William Tell.
Rhymes with Estelle.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Estenelope.
Penelope? That's right.
Here son's name's William.
Yeah.
Oh, sure, Tuesday sounds great.
Pick me up at 7? Okay.
See you then, Penelope.
- That was very smooth.
- Yes, yes.
Dad, about Penelope, actually, we were wondering [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Now, you see, that's Estelle.
Hello? Hey, Estelle, I had a feeling it might be you.
Tuesday at 7? Sounds great.
- Yeah, oh, hold on a sec.
What? - Didn't you just make a date for Tuesday with Penelope? - That was Thursday? - No, we both heard Tuesday.
Oh, thanks.
Boy, that could've been ugly.
Yeah, Estelle, no, sorry.
Thursday's out.
It has to be Tuesday.
- No, no, no.
- No, wait, wait.
Thursday.
Thursday's what I meant.
Yeah.
Okay, talk to you later.
Bye.
She's got it bad, and that ain't good.
FRASIER: Dad, uh Dad, listen, we were thinking it might be time that we meet Penelope.
She sounds enchanting.
- Yeah, enchanting.
How's tomorrow? - Oh, guys, I don't know.
You know, meeting the family.
That's taking it up another notch.
I don't wanna get that serious yet.
Maybe in a few months, but right now I just wanna keep it simple.
Simple? As in Estenelope? Hello.
Who's that? Dad, for God's sake, isn't there enough on your plate as it is? What can I tell you? Daddy's got a big appetite.
Dear God, what do we do now? Oh, I don't know.
I guess we could have him neutered.
I suppose we could try to get to Penelope through her foundation.
I already tried that, and there's a six-month waiting list just to see her.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Lord, Dad left his phone.
Maybe I'd better run and tell him it's Penelope.
You know, I'll never catch him.
No, he's long gone and would probably want you to take a message.
Hello.
No, this is his son, Frasier.
Penelope Janvier? Oh, well, how nice to speak with you.
A cocktail party? Tomorrow night.
He'll be there.
In fact, I'll make sure of that.
I'll be driving him myself.
You see, my brother, Niles, and I will be with him all day.
It's our once-a-year family day, and we do just about everything together.
What's that? Are you sure? Really? Well, then, yes, we'd love to come.
FRASIER: My, Penelope certainly has good taste.
Well, of course.
She likes Dad, doesn't she? Oh, can it.
I'm still mad at you guys for inviting yourselves.
Now, remember, be careful what you say in front of Penelope.
I got a delicate balancing act going on here, so don't mess it up.
Don't mess what up? Oh, hi.
Why, your lovely living room.
My boys really like to rough house.
All right, Penelope, these are my sons, Niles and Frasier.
Hello.
We spoke on the phone.
It's such a pleasure to meet you.
- Thank you.
- Dad speaks about you all the time.
Yes.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Oh, that's just my alarm to remind me to take my pills.
Let's get you a glass of water.
No, no, that's all right.
I'd rather do it in private.
Thank you.
Yeah, he has trouble swallowing.
- A small epiglottis.
- Yeah.
Epiglottis.
I haven't heard that word since biology class in high school.
- Oh, yes.
High school.
- Yeah.
- It's a pity about our old high school.
PENELOPE: Oh, William.
Niles, Frasier, I'd like you to meet my son, William.
- Hello.
- Nice to meet you.
These are Marty's boys.
Oh.
Hi.
Did I just hear Dr.
Corman ask you for $50,000 for a new CAT scan machine at the hospital? It is a worthy cause.
Yes, mother, they all are, but it's inappropriate to hit you up for money at a party.
Teddy was your father's closest friend.
Bourbon was my father's closest friend.
I showed Ted out.
William, he delivered you.
- Excuse me, I have to go get him.
- Yes, all right.
People look at my mother, all they see is dollar signs.
- It makes me sick.
- Yeah.
What are you guys doing here? Us? Oh, well, actually, your mother invited us.
- She did.
- Uh-oh.
Mother's been cornered by Father Patterson.
Or should I say Father Sponge.
NILES: Oh, my goodness.
It's gonna be hard pressing our case with him around.
Don't worry, Niles.
We'll get a chance.
We've got all night.
Don't get too comfortable, we've gotta leave.
- What? - I had a date with Estelle tonight, and she's been waiting a half an hour.
It's not like me to screw up like this.
What about Penelope, Dad? You cannot just walk out on her party.
Hey, Estelle took the evening off special just to be with me, you know? And she's pretty steamed.
Rules of the game, angriest woman wins.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
- Oh, good Lord.
- Jeez.
Grab your coats.
PENELOPE: Frasier? - Yes.
- Where's your father off to? - He had to take more pills.
My goodness, I had no idea he was on so much medication.
- Are you concerned? - Well, not really.
No, he'll be fine.
I just wish I could say the same for our old high school.
- What are you three talking about? - Um William, there you are.
Excuse us.
I just wanted to alert you to a possible situation.
I overheard one of the servers discussing a one-act play he wants your mother to produce.
- Okay, which one? - I think it was something by Chekhov.
The long and the short of it is, Mrs.
Janvier, is that my alma mater, Bryce Academy, is in dire straits.
The coffers are bare, and our only hope is to find a saviour.
Forgive me for being presumptuous, but I was hoping it might be you.
Actually, I'm familiar with Bryce.
Well, then you must also be familiar with their excellent standards.
Yes, I am.
They wouldn't let in William.
Well, with your endowment, I'm sure he'd be a shoo-in.
No, I'm sorry, Miss Janvier.
Please, we are desperate.
Ordinarily, I wouldn't even consider this, but I'm very fond of your father.
Call the foundation tomorrow with the details, and we'll issue you a cheque.
Thank you, thank you.
That's very kind of you.
- Thank you so much.
- It's my pleasure.
I'd do anything for your father.
He's a rarity.
FRASIER: Mm-hm.
- He's an old-fashioned gentleman.
Well, I gotta go.
- Marty, what's wrong? - Feeling a little under the weather.
Well, then maybe you ought to see my doctor.
- He's here at the party.
- No, I don't need a doctor.
Those were my husband's last words.
- Don't leave.
- All right, if you insist.
Pull the car around.
I'm going out through the kitchen.
We can't leave right now.
Penelope will get suspicious.
Estelle's already suspicious.
I've decided to break it off with Penelope.
- What? - Hearing Estelle just now, how upset she was on the phone, it made me realise how much I cared about her.
All right, listen, Dad, Bryce Academy is going bankrupt.
Penelope is going to write a cheque tomorrow to save it.
So until then, I need you to pretend that you're still interested in her.
I can't believe this.
You and your brother have been using me.
Martin, this is Dr.
Corman.
Well, it's nice to meet you, but I'm feeling a lot better now.
Thanks.
If I let you leave without knowing if you're sick, I'll worry all night.
And you wouldn't want that, now, would you, Dad? - Here we are.
- Oh, all right.
All right.
Doctor, be thorough.
MARTIN: But the pants stay on.
Ms.
Janvier, I realise that I've been a little pushy.
Oh, not pushy.
Just assertive.
I like that.
Oh, well, then be prepared to love me because I need that cheque right now.
Was it this one? Devilled-egg guy? NILES: Uh You know, I'm not sure.
He and chicken-satay guy look so much alike.
All right, listen up.
Which one of you snack jockeys is trying to get a play produced? FRASIER: Miss Janvier, thank you again so much.
Just make it out to Bryce Academy.
- Do you have a pen? - Oh, yes, of course.
You know, when you sign as many autographs as I do, you always have to have your - Oh, good Lord.
- Never mind.
William, I need a pen.
- What for? - I'm writing a cheque.
Oh, that's it.
We're going down to the special room, and we're gonna talk about this.
[NILES SIGHS.]
Mother, l Mother, I forbid you to write another cheque.
Oh, just give me a pen.
I don't have one.
Mother.
This could be an elaborate scheme to bilk us.
You don't know who these guys are.
- We're Marty's boys.
- And I trust Martin.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
- Oh, that's Martin's alarm.
- Just ignore that.
- This is a phone.
- Well, here, I'll take it.
Hello? Well, this is Penelope.
Who's this? Estelle, Martin's girlfriend? May I take a message? Pill time! Time for more pills.
I'll tell him.
Estelle says don't bother coming over tonight.
Oh, Marty, how could you? I'm sorry.
I was gonna tell you but I guess this means breakfast Tuesday is off.
That's right.
And it was Thursday.
- I don't need this pen anymore.
- Miss Janvier, please.
I don't blame you for being angry, but if you believe in the hope of tomorrow and a brighter future, then please, please don't punish the children of Bryce Academy for our misdeeds.
Oh, boo-hoo.
- Mother.
- That's enough, William.
I made a promise to these men, and I'm a woman of my word.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
You are more gracious than we deserve.
Yes, thank you.
Well done, Frasier.
Oh, Niles, I can't wait to see the expression on the headmaster's face when he sees this cheque for $50.
What? Well, l I guess it's $50 more than we had before.
Well, let's go, fellas.
Grab my coat, will you? Right, Dad.
Oh! Oh!