Home Improvement s08e17 Episode Script

Does everybody know what time it is? Tool Time! Tool Time! That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Whoa, whoa! Welcome to our Tool Time salute to the last manly sport.
(COW MOOING) Rodeo.
Rodeo.
I mean, what's more manly than eating your steak after you finish riding it? That's right.
These cowboys are a dying breed.
Rugged individuals who pay no mind to their overbearing mothers that won't let them live their own life.
Maybe it's out on the range, maybe not, but let them live their own lives! Al.
Well, moseying right along "Moseying along"? Yes.
Auburn Hills, Michigan is hosting the Longhorn World Championship Rodeo this week.
All right.
We called the little practice arena today.
And we've got a championship roper today to show you some little tricks.
Heidi, bring him on out.
Where's the rest of you? They were gonna send us a real cowboy, weren't they? I am a real cowboy, sir.
My name is Ty Cisco.
And I'm a junior champion team roper.
Well, it's nice to meet you, champ.
It's great to be here, sir.
You know, when I was your age, I could've been a cowboy.
Golly gee! Riding the rodeo circuit.
That must be an exciting life.
Yeah, it's pretty neat.
But I also like school and messing around with my hunting dog, Wiley.
"My hunting dog, Wiley.
" Look, Billy Bob, you got me in a bind here, you know? I promised the audience some rodeo action.
Can you do anything with that little jump rope of yours? Yeah.
I can show you a trick or two.
Okay, then.
Yippi-ti-yi-yo! Klaus? (WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING) MAN 1: Yeah! MAN 2: Yeah! Let's have a big hand for The Cisco Kid.
(MAN WHOOPS) I'll tell you, that's not bad for a kid.
You know, I'm pretty good at roping myself.
Folks, I apologize in advance.
Klaus? (WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING) This new French restaurant opening up in Royal Oak.
Maybe your father and I should go there for our anniversary.
How come you're not gonna go to your favorite place? The one where that waiter always insults him.
Brad, it's our anniversary.
I'm getting a new waiter to insult your dad.
Never stop giving.
No.
Plus, I hate that guy at Sorrentino's.
Antonio.
He's really rude.
And he sounds like Dracula.
"Good evening.
" Check this out.
I guess they got this new program where they put cameras at intersections and try to catch drivers who run red lights.
Whoa, cool angles! They can get the license plate from the back and the driver from the front.
Let me see that.
Gosh! Nobody's gonna be able to pick their nose in the car anymore.
I think this is outrageous.
I mean, it's a blatant invasion of privacy.
It's another example of Big Brother taking control and infiltrating every aspect of our lives.
You just don't want to get a ticket.
Fricking right! Hey, Brad! Good news.
Yeah? I got a lead on where we can take your Mustang to repair it.
Really? I'm surprised you have time for mechanics considering what's coming up a week from Friday.
I know what a week from Friday is.
It's our anniversary! Our anniversary's a week from Thursday.
What's a week from Friday? Nothing.
She's good.
She's good.
Hey, buddy.
How's it hanging? I hope you're referring to my work light.
I am sorry.
I thought you were a guy.
If I am, I have a lot of unnecessary cramps.
Yeah.
I read about this place in Mustang Monthly, and I'm looking for Alex, the Saleen Mustang specialist.
I'm Alex, the Saleen Mustang specialist.
So, you'd be working on my kid's car? Look, how I fix cars has nothing to do with the kind of underwear I wear, does it? No! Of course not! Wouldn't matter if you didn't wear any underwear.
It's a beautiful Shelby.
Yup, '66 GT 350H.
They only made 1,500 of these.
Actually, a thousand.
Nine hundred automatics and 100 four-speeds.
Quarter-mile time? at 92 miles per hour.
Pretty sweet deal considering the original purchase price was Thirty-five forty-seven.
Are you done testing me? Almost.
Who was the last actor to join The Three Stooges? Curly-Joe DeRita, but he's no Shemp.
Hey! Tim Taylor.
I know.
Nice to meet you.
You want to take a look at the Mustang then? Yeah.
I was just about to clock out, so let me wash up, and I'll take a look at it for you.
All right.
But, hey, I gotta tell ya, I'm a huge Tool Time fan.
Really? Yeah, man.
I just really love the show.
What's your favorite episode? Definitely the one where you fell through that port-a-potty.
Yeah, the ladies go nuts over that one, you know? It's the first time I did my own stunt, you know? Anything for the audience.
Did that stink in there! How long have you been a mechanic? ALEX: Since I was two and I souped up my own stroller.
Okay.
Ready.
Wow! Wow! I mean, imagine that! You know? Souping up your own stroller! Nice save.
Let's go take a look at the car.
Okay.
Now, eventually, Brad and I are gonna do some performance modifications, but right now I've got some problems with the transmission.
Like what? Well, there's this grinding noise coming out of it, and I thought it was the shift fork.
Turns out that's not what it is.
Maybe it's the syncros.
Yeah.
How do you know so much about cars? You grow up with four brothers, you pick up all kinds of guy stuff.
Four brothers? I have four brothers.
No way! Yeah! Yeah, mine taught me how to burp the alphabet.
A woman of letters! Yeah, they taught me all about cars and tools.
It was great.
One summer they even got me a job as an arc welder.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! A woman arc welder? Don't toy with me.
Tim, you're veering off the road.
Sorry.
Hey, why don't you downshift, so I can hear that noise you're talking about? Okay.
That should be There you go.
Listen.
Yeah, it's the syncros.
I have the same problem with my Fairlane Thunderbolt.
A Fairlane Thunderbolt with the big 427? Yeah.
And the glass hood scoop.
I gotta take a look at this car.
Tim, red light! (TIRES SCREECHING) That's a reflex from having three kids.
I'm not a kid.
I'm well aware of that.
Hey, Marty.
Hey, Jill.
Look.
I want you to see what I got Tim for our anniversary present.
Wow! An old Hamilton.
Yeah.
You know, he's always talking about the one that your dad wore.
Yeah.
Mom gave it to Jeff, and he broke it.
Then he gave it to me, and I broke it.
Then Tim wanted it, and Mom confiscated it before he could come near it.
Smart lady.
All right, guys.
I'm late.
I gotta go.
I'm gonna go to Jason's and study.
Mom, can I take the Nomad? Yeah, yeah.
Sure.
Look, look.
This is what I got Dad for our anniversary present.
You stole Grandma's watch? Yes, Brad, I did.
I mugged her outside the Social Security office.
I've got some great news on the Mustang.
I'll tell you about it later on, all right? All right.
So, honey, what do you want for dinner? I'm not gonna eat.
I'm just gonna change clothes and go check on Brad's car.
He's working on the car again? Yeah.
He's been working with that mechanic every night this week.
Wow! He's usually so critical of his car guys.
Alex has gotta be a hot mechanic.
Yeah, yeah.
He loves this one.
I wouldn't be surprised if he spent the night at the garage.
Happy anniversary! Happy anniversary! They are so beautiful.
You guys Wait, what do you want? Simply that you keep that in mind the next time we screw up.
Okay.
All right.
(PHONE RINGING) Thank you.
You're so sweet.
Hello? Hi, honey.
Wait a minute, where are you? Well, how much longer? I can't believe you had to go to the mechanic's on our anniversary.
No, I don't want to meet you there.
Then we gotta have two cars.
And we gotta drive home alone Okay.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll call the restaurant, and I'll move back the reservation.
Yes.
Shoot! Yeah, okay.
Bye.
Would you put this Hang this up? Yeah.
I got water all over the mail.
Man! What is this? This is from the Royal Oak Police Department.
It's a ticket.
Brad! Mom, I didn't get a ticket.
And in case I did, I got flower credit.
Wait a minute.
I think this is your dad's ticket.
Hello! Great restaurant.
Sorry I'm late.
Happy anniversary.
Is it? Look, I know you're upset.
But I get so distracted when I'm working under a hood.
Come on! I lose track of time when I'm working with my hands.
Tim, who were you with tonight? Who I've been with all this week.
Alex, my mechanic.
Then who is that? Alex, my mechanic.
What is this? It's a ticket that you got while joy-riding with your quote "mechanic.
" This is ridiculous.
It was a slow yellow.
The brakes are bad.
How can I get a ticket for this? Will you forget about the ticket? Who is the woman? And why is your hand on her breast? This is my mechanic, Alex.
My hand is not on her breast.
It's guarding it.
What? And may I say what a fine job it's doing.
Antonio? Good evening.
What are you doing at this restaurant? My previous employer grew weary of defending me in the lawsuits.
Can I get you something to drink? Yes, you can.
A very good bottle of champagne.
We're celebrating our anniversary.
Champagne on an anniversary.
How original! Okay, okay, okay.
Why didn't you tell me that you hired a beautiful, sexy woman to work on Brad's car? Every time I try to tell you about one of my mechanics, you cut me off, so I didn't bother with the details.
So what? When they're younger, bigger details, I'd like to know.
I didn't even know she was a woman until she took off her clothes.
She took her overalls off to slip into something comfortable.
Look, to me, Alex is just a mechanic.
There's nothing going on between you? There's nothing going on between us.
Come on! You know I like cars more than I like women.
Just I wanted this night to be special.
It's ruined.
It's not ruined.
Yes, it is.
We'll get another waiter.
We got French food coming, some champagne.
Come on.
I opened I got you something nice.
Open that up.
You did? Yes! Oh, my God! We look like we're on our way to rob a convenience store.
We were on our way to the Doobie Brothers that night.
I know.
That was such a great night.
Happy anniversary, honey.
Happy anniversary.
I got you something.
Here.
Did you steal this from my mother? No! I found one just like your dad's.
No way! Yeah.
(PHONE RINGING) Unbelievable.
Hello? Hi, Alex.
You found a Flowmaster at half price? You are amazing.
No, it's just funny.
You know that yellow light we slipped through? I got one of those ticket pictures.
You look great.
I mean, the angle on me's kind of bad.
Huh? I can't hear.
Hold on.
You're fading out there.
What? Hold on.
Got ya.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Throttle body.
That's a great idea.
Tomorrow.
Okay? Right.
Okay, bye.
What a pity champagne costs the same for one as it does for two.
Happy anniversary.
Why did you leave the restaurant like that? I'm surprised you noticed.
You were so busy talking to your new friend, Alex.
She found an auto part we were looking for.
She was excited.
She didn't know it was our anniversary.
I'm sure she didn't.
I'm sure it wasn't important enough for you to mention.
For your information, I didn't tell anybody it was our anniversary regardless of race, creed or sexual orientation.
So, you're an equal opportunity idiot.
Well, that's a great way to celebrate our anniversary, calling me an idiot.
You earned it! You could've told her that it was your anniversary! That you were with your wife, and you could call her back tomorrow! That's exactly what I did say, right after you bolted out of the restaurant.
You should've seen yourself talking to her.
You were drooling like a school boy.
She got me a Flowmaster at half price.
Excuse me.
While you were spending every waking moment with this woman, I went to 12 different antique stores trying to find a watch to honor the memory of your father, and you didn't look at me once like that tonight! Thanks a lot, Tim! Happy anniversary! Wilson, what are you doing? Planting snow peas? (WILSON CHUCKLES) No, no, no, no, no, Tim.
Did you realize that in Thailand they sprinkle lemon grass on their lawn to ward off a raging storm? What do they sprinkle on the lawn to ward off a raging wife? Jewelry.
Jill's having a problem with my new mechanic, Alex.
I thought you were crazy about his work.
Well, he's actually a she.
Well, that's funny.
You never told me your mechanic was a woman.
I didn't tell Jill either.
When she found out that I spend so much time with Alex, she got really upset.
Why didn't you tell Jill that Alex was a woman? It never occurred to me.
Uh-huh.
And why did you spend every night with her this week? To work on Brad's car.
Ah.
And it took you that long to fix the problem in the gearbox? No, that took about an hour and a half, but we did other stuff.
What other stuff? You know, am I on trial here? Well, I'm very sorry, Tim.
I'm just asking if your mechanic was a man, would you have spent all that time over at the garage? What does that have to do with anything? Well, maybe you withheld information from Jill because actually you are attracted to Alex.
No, no, no.
No.
Maybe.
Who hasn't fantasized about dating an arc welder? I am attracted to her.
It's horrible.
No, it's not horrible as long as you don't act on it.
Yeah, it is.
Well, I would never act on it.
You want to be sure not to put yourself in a situation where you could be tempted.
You know, I'm the kind of guy that doesn't like playing with fire unless it's on Tool Time.
And we've all seen what happens there.
Alex! I'll be out in a minute, Tim.
The car looks great.
Hey, what's going on? (EXCLAIMS WEARILY) Nothing.
I just I think I'm gonna stop working on the car.
But we haven't finished the rear end.
I think we've looked at enough rear ends.
Well, you're still gonna come by and show me your hot rod, aren't you? I don't think so.
I don't understand.
I mean, did I do something wrong? No.
No.
Not at all.
You've done everything right.
And you were the right mechanic for the job.
But sometimes two rights would make a wrong.
You're a very good mechanic, Alex.
And you're also very attractive.
And I am a very married guy.
And I don't want to, you know, violate that trust anymore.
Tim Let me finish.
And I know there's probably some attraction to me because I'm a local celebrity and a TV star, you know, and Hey! Hey, Greg.
Oftentimes, women your age find Tim, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Greg.
GREG: Hi.
Were you guys in the middle of something? No, I am I am so finished.
Listen, Greg, I'll meet you in the car.
I'll be there in a minute.
Okay, nice meeting you, sir.
You too, son.
I'm an idiot! You're not an idiot.
Yes.
I'm an idiot.
No.
You're just a man.
A really attractive man.
Nah.
You know, you kind of remind me of my father.
(CLEARS THROAT) Honey, I want to talk.
You want me to say that what you did last night was okay, and I'm not gonna do that.
Well, it wasn't okay, but for a lot of reasons.
Such as? Well, I thought I was going down there to work on Brad's car.
But it turns out that, you know, she was young, and she knew about The Three Stooges, and she knew cars, and she's attractive, and I was attracted to her.
So, was she attracted to you? Well, it turns out, no.
I went down there to pick up Brad's car.
And I was telling her that I was happily married.
And trying to explain how it would be easy to be attracted to a guy like me.
And she introduces me to her big stud muffin boyfriend.
So, that must've been kind of embarrassing.
Yes, I made quite an idiot out of myself.
Go on.
Well, junior there called me "sir.
" That's good.
She said I reminded her a lot of her dad.
Oh, that's really good.
Yeah.
You're enjoying this, aren't you? Immensely.
Well, that's the reason why I spent too much time down there, I think.
And drooled all over the phone, and (SIGHS) You know, this stuff just It happens.
It just It's okay.
I just I wish you hadn't done it on our anniversary.
I wish I hadn't done it at all.
You know, because this is the woman I like spending time with, you know? Do you remember the first time I told you I loved you? When was that? I don't remember, I was hoping you did.
I'm kidding.
Nineteen years ago.
Do you remember? The front porch of your parents' house.
That summer place they had.
Sitting out there, summertime.
Your old man comes crashing out of that screen door with a saber.
Chases me off the porch.
What's the matter with him, anyway? I never thought I would see you again that night.
You just did it.
Now what did I do? You just looked at me the way I wanted you to look at me last night.
When, wait Which look? This one? No.
Hold it.
Wait, wait.
It was I know it was in there, hold on.
No.
How about this? No.
I prefer this.
So, I hear you're pretty good with Mustangs.
What do you say you work on mine? Yeah, I'd like that.