Frasier s08e18 Episode Script

[CLAPPING.]
Thank you.
Thank you, Brother Reynolds, for your inaugural ode.
And may I congratulate you on your ingenuity in rhyming "Sauvignon" with "tie one on.
" Sir.
And now, as outgoing corkmaster, it is my privilege to bestow the sash of office upon the newly-elected corkmaster.
Which would be me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for your support.
It humbles me, and I only hope to live up to the shining example of my predecessor.
[NILES LAUGHING.]
And, of course, the example of my opponent, the other Brother Crane, who so graciously conceded after that fourth recount.
Uh Is he here? I guess he's not.
Well, I'm sure he's with us in spirit.
Uh, if you'll indulge me, I've cobbled together a few remarks to express what this moment means to me.
I'm sorry.
Don't start yet.
Oh, God.
I'm terribly sorry I'm late.
You know, it's just coming down in buckets out there.
- Hello, Frasier.
- Oh, hi.
Just as the cork protects the wine, as corkmaster, I hope to protect the wine club from the forces of metaphorical oxidation.
Oh, Lord, Niles, are you in the middle of your inauguration speech? - I'm so sorry.
- That's all right.
That's all right.
It's just that I have an announcement of my own to make.
Yes, well, new business is concluded, brother Crane.
- I move we reopen new business.
- Second.
- Denied.
FRASIER: Point of order.
Once a motion's been seconded, there's a vote.
Just tell us your new business.
To override procedure, there must be a quorum.
Very well.
Move for a vote.
- Second.
- All in favour? ALL: Aye.
- Motion carried.
Make a note.
- Noted, corkmaster.
NILES: Thank you.
Proceed.
I remember when we used to come here to drink.
- Go ahead.
- Corkmaster, members of the Wine Cabinet, esteemed brothers and sisters, I come here tonight with a heavy heart.
You see, I am resigning from the wine club.
- What? REYNOLDS: Oh, no.
This wouldn't have anything to do with my winning the election, would it? No, no, of course not, Niles.
I couldn't be happier for you.
You see, I've been afforded a marvellous opportunity to pass on what I've learned here to a much larger audience.
Starting next week, I will be hosting a new feature on KACL called The Wine Corner, just at the end of Gil Chesterton's Restaurant Beat.
[MURMURING.]
- Thank you.
- Can't you do both? Oh, well, no.
Regrettably, no.
You see, like this Camembert, I am at my most delicious when I'm not spread too thin.
But this isn't goodbye by any stretch of the imagination.
Please, I invite each and every one of you to call into my show so that you can help me get Seattle hooked on our sometimes whimsical, always enlightened brand of discussion.
But I've taken enough time away from Niles.
After all, this is his night.
He has been elected corkmaster of this fine club.
Thank you, Frasier.
I thought you were settling in for a long farewell speech.
- Second.
- All in favour? ALL: Aye.
- Well, if you insist.
It was a short seven years ago, on a night very much like this one, a man had a dream [FOOTSTEPS.]
All right, Roz, now, this is a very different kind of show we're gonna be doing, so are you clear on the procedure? What's so hard? You talk for a while, I screen calls, you answer them, I look interested - Oh, I see the hard part.
- Oh, ha-ha, very funny.
This is a list of the members of the wine club.
If any of these names should happen to call, put them through, and fasten your seat belt for an all-out, freewheeling symposium.
- Hey, there's my Renaissance man.
- Oh, Kenny.
If you can't solve their problems with therapy, solve them with drinking.
Yes, well, let's just keep that out of the ads, shall we? - Heh.
Too late.
FRASIER: Oh.
Kenny And finally, no review of Le Petit Oiseau would be complete without a word about their décor.
Hideous.
I'll be back after these messages.
[IN SING-SONG VOICE.]
And we're out.
Hi, Lance.
Here's Frasier, and this is Roz.
- She'll be producing the show.
- Hi.
ROZ: Hi.
- Oh, my, isn't that interesting? Yes, well, Frasier wants me to produce his segment of the show.
We have to get the levels right to accommodate the timbre of his voice.
My, my, my, isn't she the fuss-pot? Actually, it was my idea.
[IN SING-SONG VOICE.]
That's who I was talking about.
Listen, Gil, I hope you don't mind my doing this segment.
Oh, perish the thought.
I'm ecstatic.
As ecstatic as you would be if someone hijacked the last 15 minutes of your show.
Hey, Gil, what is the deal with Lance? Oh, smitten already, are we, Roz? Well, he's certainly catnip to the ladies.
No, that was Really? Well, that's what he claims.
Of course, I've never actually seen him with a woman.
Well, just between us, I've always thought he went the other way.
Which way would that be? [IN SING-SONG VOICE.]
And we're back.
Normally at this time, I'd be doing my final segment on food for the calorie-conscious, "All Things Light and Edible.
" But, apparently, health is going to take a back seat to the random musings of a radio psychiatrist on wine.
So without further ado, I give you The Wine Corner, with your host, Dr.
Frasier Crane.
Thank you, Gil, for that gracious introduction.
And hello to you, Seattle.
Welcome to The Wine Corner.
I hope you're as excited about this new programme as I am.
I offer myself as Sherpa, a guide, if you will, to lead you through the labyrinth of vintages and wine lists, chateaus and bodegas, and take you, hopefully, to a whole new level of sophistication.
In summary, Linda, the year listed on the bottle is not an expiration date.
So that wine from 1997 should be perfectly safe to drink.
- Who else, Roz? - We have ten seconds, Frasier.
In that case, this is Frasier Crane reminding you that a great wine is like a great woman, always intoxicating, ever surprising, and only getting better with age.
- Aw, do you really believe that? - Oh, who cares, Roz? I stopped listening to myself ten minutes ago.
Are you sure no one from the wine club called? I'm positive.
Don't feel bad.
You got a lot of other callers.
It's just that I was hoping to provoke the same kind of spirited debates we have at the wine club.
No holds barred free-for-alls that sometimes go into the wee hours of the night, and even spill out into the streets.
Oh, Roz, we loved wine then.
Huzzah, Frasier.
I'm sure everyone who was listening is hitting the bottle as we speak.
Well, Lance and I are going for a boys' night out.
Lock up your daughters.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[MUTTERING.]
Dad, tell me if you think this is too subtle for my listening audience.
"This delightful offering is infused with the brooding, almost dangerous presence of vanilla.
" No, it's not too subtle, unless you want them to know what the hell you're talking about.
What, you don't think it's clear that I enjoyed the wine? I don't think it's clear you're talking about wine.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Lord, that'll be the new therapist.
- Ah, lucky me.
Oh, now, behave yourself, Dad.
It's only until Daphne comes back.
You have no idea how difficult it is to find a therapist that can also cook.
- Her name is Frederica.
- Oh.
Sounds German.
You know what that means.
She was probably kicked off the shot-put team for using steroids.
Now, Dad, the Germans never threw anybody off the team for that.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Ah.
Hello.
- Hi, I'm Frederica.
Won't you come in? Here, let me take your bag.
I'm Dr.
Frasier Crane, and this is my father, Martin.
- Here, let me take your coat.
- Pleasure to meet you.
Listen, my father's been, well, letting his exercises slide a bit.
Oh, well, that's human nature, Dr.
Crane.
People neglect their exercising for many reasons: Holidays, travel, illness, lack of time, death.
And there's only one of those excuses that I accept: It's holidays.
[LAUGHING.]
- Ah, it's just your leg I'm pulling.
- Oh.
Well, good one.
I was worried that you were gonna be one of those drill-sergeant types.
You'll show me your exercise mat.
That's my other leg you're pulling, huh? Now! [SIGHS.]
Now, ahem Ah, yes.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
"But discernable only to the educated palate is the hint of violets that lingers like a haunting refrain.
" [MARTIN SCREAMS.]
Good Lord.
Oh.
Shame on you, Dr.
Crane.
You really should have kept him at his exercises.
- Is he all right? - No, indeed.
- He is shamefully out of shape.
- But I meant But don't worry.
I got here just in time.
I'll shape him up or know the reason why.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hello.
Oh, yes, thank you for returning my call, Brother Peabody.
Yes, well, I was just wondering how come none of the members have been calling my wine show.
No.
Well, just because Niles is corkmaster, it doesn't mean he has the right to dictate whom you may and may not call.
Good Lord, the man is my own brother.
How can someone turn his back on his own flesh and blood? [MARTIN SCREAMING.]
Someone on the phone here! ALL: Aye.
It is so resolved.
Any other business? Ah.
Former Brother Crane, what are you doing here? You know very well.
How dare you instruct the members not to call into my radio show.
I simply directed their attention to law 10C which states that the club shall not, through contract or deed, - endorse any commercial endeavour.
- Any commercial endeavour.
Yes, you can hide behind some flimsy by-law if you wish to for as long as you like.
We both know the subtext behind this pretext, vindictiveness.
- Oh.
I've - In light of this abuse of power, I move that the corkmaster be stripped of his title, and that some well-deserving member be named in his stead.
Oh.
The motion fails for lack of a second.
- Second.
- Stop that.
Motion denied.
Point of order, a motion cannot be denied that has been seconded.
The chair doesn't recognise motions from former members, ergo, there can be no second to a motion that doesn't exist.
I move whatever it takes to get us to the bar.
Second that.
All right, the chair declares a state of emergency and a five-minute recess.
[BANGS GAVEL.]
I want you out of here.
It's bad enough you upstaged me the other night.
I did no such thing.
Oh, no, you could've picked any time to announce your resignation, but you chose my inauguration to do it.
Nonsense, Niles.
Will you listen to yourself? - This is just a wine club.
- Just a wine club? That's not the platform you campaigned on two years in a row.
You can say anything you want now, you know how important this place is to me.
Yes, and you know how important my radio show is to me.
Oh, well, I guess then we're even.
So you admit it.
You have dishonoured this club with your selfishness.
Yes, well, at least I'm still in the club.
You are a trespasser.
Sergeant at arms.
Well, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.
All right, call off your henchman.
All right, thank you.
Stand down, Brother Hefflewhite.
I'm just trying to save you from yourself, Niles.
I see.
Well, goodbye, former brother.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi.
Anything good on TV tonight? I don't know.
Why? Oh, got the night free.
Thought we might hang out together.
Oh, that's nice.
You know, I usually have Wine Club on Wednesday nights.
What do you usually do Wednesday nights? Oh, just sit back, uh, enjoy the silence.
Sounds good.
- Seven thirty.
- Mm.
Wonder what they're doing at the wine club.
Oh, jeez.
You gonna do this all night? No, no, Dad, you're right.
I'm sorry.
It's just that I hate to see a once-proud institution making so many foolish mistakes.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, the club will probably fail without you.
It'll be no fun.
All the members will resign.
This time next month they'll probably have torn the building down.
I never know when you're being facetious.
Yeah, you do.
All right, all right, let's talk about something else.
- How was your physical therapy? - Oh.
It was the most painful afternoon of my life.
She did things to me.
Bad things.
Well, Dad, I suppose we could look for another therapist.
Oh, hold on a second.
Here, try this.
[LAUGHING.]
My God.
Oh, that sauerbraten is ambrosia.
Oh, and wait till you wash it down with her papa's homemade lager.
How is everything? Oh, gosh, Frederica, I've never tasted anything so divine.
Oh, yeah, you see, Dr.
Crane, I don't believe that fitness depends on starving yourself.
The secret is exercise, hard work, then good food, and lots of it when you've earned it.
- Oh - Well, this is fabulous food.
You haven't earned it! [LAUGHING.]
FREDERICA: That's just my way of having fun.
Of course, you're welcome.
I'll get another plate.
Thank you.
We ought to get Niles over here, you know.
He'd love this stuff.
Niles? Dad, I told you, Niles is no longer welcome in this house.
Thank you, Frederica.
Oh, son, why don't you just ask your brother to take you back? I did.
I called him and I apologised.
He would hear none of it.
All he did was keep quoting rules and by-laws.
Just like when you were kids with that fort.
You were always making up these big fancy rules and titles for yourself.
It always ended up in a fight.
I didn't like it then, and I don't like it now.
All right, then, we just won't talk about it.
Besides, I'm through with the wine club.
Good.
Why don't we just enjoy our Wednesday? Second.
All in favour? Aye.
Motion carried.
I'm done now.
NILES: Mm.
Mm-hm, mm-hm.
I'm getting oak with plummy overtones.
I'm getting screwed on alimony.
Niles, I wanna talk to you.
Dad? What happened? Is there something wrong? You're damned right there is.
It's about you and Frasier.
Good God, you wear a sash? Frasier sent you down here, didn't he? FRASIER: No.
- Frasier, get in here, now.
Dad, this isn't necessary.
Yeah, we can talk about this some other time.
Zip it up, both of you.
I just gave up the best meal of my life to come down here, so listen up.
Niles, let your brother play.
Dad, this is not a game.
This is a club, and Frasier broke the rules.
- Technically, I did - Zip! Well, then you write a new rule so that Frasier can come back.
- First, I want an apology.
- I said zip it.
- He did.
I heard him.
- Don't get smart.
Now, are you gonna let your brother play? - Dad, l Why? - Are you gonna let your brother play? Are you gonna let your brother play? Fine.
Am I gonna have any more trouble between you two? - No.
- No.
No what? - No, sir.
- No, sir.
Good.
Now, shake hands.
That's more like it.
Now, you don't mind, I've got a big plate of Gewürzplätzchen waiting for me at home with my name on it.
Ahem.
Well, let's get back to the wine, shall we? You got yelled at by your dad.
[LAUGHING.]
- Well, be that as it may - Zip it.
- Niles.
- Hello, Frasier.
Thought we could drive over to Wine Club together.
Actually, I'm thinking about not going.
Why not? Niles, truth be told, my enthusiasm for the wine club has started to turn.
I know what you mean.
It used to be the wine club, now it's just the teasing-people club.
Then let's not go.
They'll put our names in the absent bottle.
We'll have to bring the crackers next time.
- What if there's no next time? - What do you mean? Niles, those people don't care about wine.
Not the way you and I do, no.
What's preventing us from starting a whole new club from scratch? - We could really get back to basics.
- Something that's just about wine, and a clear constitutional procedure for enjoying it.
Yes, well, then maybe this time the governing body could be bicameral.
Well, I don't know, Niles.
There is something to be said for the parliamentary system.
Well, either way, we have to have a strong judiciary to keep it in check.
God, I love wine.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]