Roseanne s08e18 Episode Script

I'll give you two hints-- Florida And "the happiest place on earth.
" We're going to gator world! No, you idiot.
Disney world.
Well, we could sleep on it, I guess, and ( yelling ) hey, everybody! Cancel next week! We're going to disney world! And discuss it in the morning.
Here we are.
I can't believe we're actually staying in a room this nice.
Yeah, and we're not even on jury duty.
- pinch me.
- d.
J.
, Call the concierge and tell him to send someone up to pinch your mother.
All righty.
If you need room service, press 21.
If you need housekeeping, press 22.
You need the front desk, press 23.
- any questions? - yes.
What is this "housekeeping" of which you speak? Rosie, take a picture of me with this lamp.
Look, somebody left their robes in there.
Don't worry about it, son.
We won't be making that same mistake.
No way.
Your room is exactly like ours is.
Did you check out the bathroom, Dan? There's a phone in there.
Ooh! There is.
Rosie, we got to get one of those for our house.
No way, Dan.
You're not getting your own phone.
Hey, Deej, I bet you can't guess where the tv is.
Huh? Huh? It's in the dresser, man! Oh, wow! Look at this.
There's a refrigerator down here, And it's filled with food and drink.
That's it.
We're moving in.
We have adjoining rooms! That's it.
We're moving out.
Hey, darlene's taking a bath in the next room, And i'm gonna call her from your bathroom.
Is that great? Youse guys are not gonna believe this.
- ( all gasping ) - oh my god.
It's just like on "the price is right.
" Incredible.
And it's all man-made.
I was reading about this.
This used to all be orange groves, But that's not what one Mr.
Walt disney saw.
He saw that lake, he saw that castle, He saw that ample parking with convenient shuttle service.
And he set out to make that dream.
Hey, everybody, it's mickey mouse! ( all cheer ) ( theme music playing ) ( laughs ) Man, steak for breakfast.
I feel like-like Merv griffin.
The waffles are huge.
After eating these, I don't know how those belgians get anything done.
Oh, we're gonna have so much fun, jerry.
You're gonna see a big, happy, smiling mouse-- Not like those ones in the traps at home.
- ( knock at door ) - man: room service.
Them's beautiful words.
Dan: ain't it? ( chuckling ) Here we are.
Hey, did you bring me the sliced, cut-up kiwi like I ordered it? Uh-huh.
They're right there.
Oh, that's what they look like? I don't know what you're doing, But you're not gonna find any extra change under there.
No, Roseanne, he's sweeping the crumbs off the tablecloth.
Oh.
Why? We could just shake it out the window.
Well, in that case, I believe i'll do something I've never before done in my entire life-- A nice, fresh, crisp Dollar for you, my man.
Thank you, ma'am.
Uh, yeah, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What was it? You're welcome.
I hate to bring this up, but isn't this costing a fortune? Nobody should be worrying anything about money this whole trip.
D.
J.
, go over to that there minibar And help yourself to another summer sausage.
- my stomach hurts.
- attaboy! ( chuckles ) I've got number 45 sunscreen And big, floppy hats for all.
Oh, great.
Nobody has to worry, the corn is safe.
( alarm buzzes ) - it's time.
- all right, here we go.
Park opens in 15 minutes.
This is not a drill.
Go go go go go.
Dan: man, it's so clean.
I know.
Look-- I can see myself in the cement.
I want to live here.
No, I want to be worthy of living here.
- ( calliope plays ) - I hear music.
Am I dead? Okay, we're gonna be here for four days, So remember, we don't have to get out there and see everything at once.
Yeah, let's pace ourselves, just take it real Easy! - ( all cheering ) - ( "1812 overture" playing ) Hey.
Where are we gonna go first? Well, i'll go wherever, as long as I get my sandwich and my beer at lunch.
They don't serve beer in the magic kingdom, Dan.
They do at epcot.
Go.
( "1812 overture" playing ) Ugh.
Look at them.
That's the second couple we've seen holding hands and skipping.
Maybe we've wandered into some outdoor church.
Wait a minute.
I've heard of this.
I think they're being Happy.
You know, you'd think as long as we're sitting, We could go on something that moves.
The earth is hurtling through space at 100,000 miles an hour.
What more do you want? Listen, d.
J.
, Darlene and I were thinking about just spending some time together-- You know, people-watching, Just talking, being a couple.
Yeah, d.
J.
, there's plenty of girls around here your own age.
Why don't you pick one out and start stalking? Come on, Darlene, I just want to go on the rocket.
Then i'll leave you alone for the rest of the day.
Please? Please? Why don't I just go on one with him? It'll only take a minute, and then we can hang out.
I give in.
All this joy and happiness is breaking my spirit.
- go.
- see you soon.
Make sure and pouf up your hair so you meet the height requirement.
( panting ) is this the beer line? Oh, no, we're just looking at spaceship earth.
I mean, look at this.
It weighs 16 million lbs, and encompasses cubic feet of space.
So this isn't the beer line? - no.
- phht! - look, Jackie, that pigeon's a robot.
- no, it's not.
- oh, it is too.
Look, it's totally fake.
- it's eating, Roseanne.
Hey hey hey.
Look at the old guy.
He's a robot too.
They probably made him out of a bunch of old pigeons.
Stop, would you? Everything here is not a robot.
And they haven't called it "robot" since the '50s.
Oh, sorry.
"animatronic americans.
" Would you stop littering? I'm not littering, Jackie.
This is a friendly competition.
( laughs ) let me try that.
Let me try that.
No, this is my game.
You get your own.
Now where's she gonna go with that, huh? Where's she gonna throw that? Over here? No.
Over there.
Uh-oh! ( laughing ) That's it.
- hey, disney guy, come here quick.
- don't, Roseanne.
Oh, you asked for it.
This woman is littering And totally destroying my fantasy experience.
Do your thing, carl-- bust her.
Good afternoon, ma'am.
I'm sorry, I couldn't help noticing You had difficulty holding on to your refuse.
I'd just like to point out that here at the magic kingdom We provide numerous trash containers for your convenience.
What? Oh, I know, I know.
I will look that up here in my Roseanne-to- disney-world dictionary.
Oh, let me look up, uh, "quit bugging us and go away.
" Here it is.
"thank you so much for your help.
Have a pleasant afternoon.
" Hey, this polite stuff really works, But I feel so dirty.
Hi.
Welcome to the Rose & crown, sir.
What's your pleasure on this fair spring morning? That was shakespeare, wasn't it? Give me your best british ale, please.
Right, then.
Is that a half-pint, pint or yard? Uh, what's a yard, Um, bloke? Well, that's one right there.
I've died and gone to England.
Darlene? ( groans ) where have guys been? - it's been over an hour.
- really? Wow, it seems like 10 minutes.
Yeah, we were on our way back from the rockets Oh, which were so cool.
- And then we stopped by the hall of presidents.
- which was just the best.
Zachary taylor looked right at me.
Oh, and guess where we ended up? Both: yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life for me.
Ahoy, morons off the port bow.
Give me the patch.
Can I keep the hook? Come on, Darlene.
Do you want to go to the swiss family tree house? Not unless they have cable and a wet bar.
Well, what about the teacups? - no.
No more rides.
- oh, come on, Darlene.
One more word out of you, and there'll be no more rides For you either, pal, if you know what I mean.
You know, d.
J.
, I think it would be fun to just spend the rest of the day With Darlene, just sitting.
You're not gonna be just sitting, David.
I mean, in a minute i'm gonna have you go fetch me a coke.
I can't believe it! It's goofy! No way.
Thank you so much, goofy.
Bye.
Hey.
- who was that guy? - what guy? You know who i'm talking about.
You mean goofy? Mark, he's a character.
Oh, and i'm not? This is so typical.
You take your wife to the big city Full of guys in their fancy suits and their big puppy-dog eyes, And all of a sudden plain old Mark just ain't good enough for her.
Come on, Mark.
Let's just go.
- hey.
- don't you look at him.
Don't look at him! - Mark, that was dopey.
- I don't care.
It worked.
( arabian music playing ) Yeah, man, you guys put the "rock" in "morocco.
" Hey, you know this one? ( vocalizing arabian music ) - hey.
- hey.
My brother and my boyfriend on the dumbo ride, And me without a camera to throw at them.
Shoo, pooh.
Are you finished? All right, wait wait wait.
Wow, i'm really gonna hate myself for this.
I've worked really hard cultivating my own special brand Of cool sophistication, But you're the first book I ever remember reading.
And the truth is You've always kind of been my favorite.
You know, i've been into you since you got stuck in that hollow tree 'cause you ate too much honey, then you couldn't get out, And, uh I love you! I love you! Oh my god, I love you! I'm hugging you.
I'm hugging winnie the pooh! Space mountain, here we come.
This is a magic kingdom.
And a creepy kingdom.
Did you see what grammy bought for you? Look at that.
There.
Oh, look at us, oh, look at us.
We're the three mouseketeers.
Well, I guess i'm the only one with the stuff To be annette, huh? zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay my, oh, my, what a wonderful day plenty of sunshine going our way zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay.
Oh! Oh, that's too kind.
I'm so embarrassed.
Really, I was just singing to my grandchildren.
I mean, it's been years since I tried to do this professionally.
secondhand hats i'm wearing secondhand clothes that's why they call me secondhand Rose even our piano in the parlor Ein beer, por favor.
So this is germany, huh? This is incredible.
I'm glad I stopped by here, 'cause this is the country I know most about.
So where's that sergeant schultz, huh? "sergeant schultz.
" I kill me.
( french accent ) do not turn around.
My name is zoe.
I am with the french underground.
I have come to liberate you.
How do I know you're not an impostor? To prove I am french, bring me a snail And I will eat it.
Not good enough.
I need more proof.
I will eat that snail covered with ze stinky cheese That smells like ze feet.
Anyone can say that.
To prove to you that I am french, let me give you ze kiss.
I need more.
In ze dresser drawer, Ze bottom drawer, underneath ze socks, Is a bag of cheetos.
( french accent ) my love! Jerry lewis is le supreme genius, no? Viva "le professor de la nutty.
" Oui.
It grieves me, my love, to tell you this, But ze cheetos, They are gone.
Damn this war.
This is so cool.
I can't believe we're on big thunder mountain.
I heard this ride goes so fast that it stretches your skin Until your skull flies out your mouth hole.
( cries out ) ( all screaming ) You know, honey, i've been all over this great big world And seen a lot of wondrous things, But I couldn't wait to get back to the states, Back to the cutest girl in the world.
Look at all the family, Dan.
Everybody's so happy.
Okay, this is my parents' number in Lanford, And this is my dorm room in Chicago, And, uh, let's not make this one of those things Where we say we'll call each other and then we don't.
I'm only saying you should consider some dramatic roles.
I mean, you've already proved you can do comedies.
Man, this is great.
What do you say next year, We cash in your life-insurance policy And we go on a cruise? I don't think that'd be the smart thing to do.
Done.
( "1812 overture" playing ) Room service.
It's about time you got here.
I'm starving.
I apologize.
There was fog over atlanta.
I really appreciate you flying all the way from orlando.
Oh, no.
I ordered the whole-wheat toast.
My mistake.
Back in a jiffy.
There'll be a buck in it for ya.
You know, that whole disney operation Is tops with me.