Seinfeld s08e18 Episode Script

You know that manslaughter is the least serious murder charge? - You don't say.
- Manslaughter.
Literally, the slaughter of a man.
- Sounds brutal, doesn't it? - Heinous.
Yet it's the most socially acceptable form of murder.
So you think we should change the name.
Yes, I do.
How about "inadvertent life-ending"? "Unintentional snuff-out.
" How about "I can't believe it's not murder"? Oh, boy, I was up till 4 in the morning watching that Omen trilogy.
- That's good stuff.
- The devil? Forget about it.
Well, he was the devil's son, right? - I thought he was the devil's helper.
- He's pretty scary for a helper.
I can't keep doing this to myself.
I'm exhausted.
Can't you grab a nap at work? Not with that big glass window looking out onto the hall.
And I love a good nap.
Sometimes it's the only thing getting me out of bed.
- I'll see you.
- Bye.
- So, what are you doing now? - Gonna take a stroll through the park.
With a gentleman caller? Yes, his name is Hal.
The walking date's good.
You don't have to look at the person.
Hey, it's the next best thing to being alone.
- Hey, hi.
- Hi.
- Shower? - Oh, pool.
I just swam 200 laps.
You are kidding.
Yeah, look at those babies, huh? They're prunes.
You know, I saw Conrad going up to your place.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Those new kitchen cabinets.
How's that coming? Slow.
I gotta hold this guy's hand on every decision.
Hey, Kramer, listen.
You've seen The Omen, right? What exactly was that kid? Oh, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid.
George, have you seen that American League directory? It's a big green book.
- Right here.
- Thanks, kiddo.
You know Twinkies aren't cooked? It looks cooked.
It's dark on the bottom.
That's just the way it is.
It's a substance.
Well, I don't care.
They're delicious.
- You wanna sit down? - Oh, I don't sit on park benches.
- They're very bad for the back.
- Really? I threw my back out 15 years ago.
Ever since, I've been careful.
I buy my furniture at an ergonomic store.
Oh, those places have the stupidest names.
Like Like Back in Business or Good Vertebrations.
Not this one.
It's called the Lumbar Yard.
Hey, Jerry.
Jerry, are you okay with this hinge? - Yeah.
- I can get you any kind you want.
Four holes, two holes, bronze, no hinge at all.
You know, why don't we just go with the one in your hand? - Well, these are different.
- Drop one.
Left.
Jerry, look at my eyes.
A little less beady today.
Because I'm refreshed.
I finally found a way to sleep in my office.
Under the desk, huh? I lie on my back, I tuck in the chair, I'm invisible.
Sounds like a cool fort.
Hey, Jerry, do you want a flat edge on this molding or do you want me to bevel it? - I'll tell you what I'd like to do with it.
- Hey, Conrad, is it? Conrad, Connie or Con.
Whatever you prefer.
Let me ask you a question.
Could you expand the space underneath a desk you know, give it a little more headroom? George, he's kind of tied up here.
What? It would have to be a night job.
- You normally work after dinner? - There is no normal.
Whatever Jerry wants.
He wants me here late, I'm late.
He wants me early, I'm early.
You know, why don't you just work on George's project for a while.
Whatever you want.
So how was Wednesday in the park with Hal? It was okay.
He's coming over later to watch a movie.
Hey, listen, what's better for your back: The couch cushions or a folding chair? I don't know.
Maybe we'll just stand and watch the TV.
I gotta go.
Somebody's at my door.
- Yeah? - Delivery.
- Elaine Benes? - Yeah.
We're from the Lumbar Yard.
Got your mattress.
Mattress? I didn't order a mattress.
Who sent this? "Hal Kitzmiller"? You think it might be possible to add a little shelf, like, for an alarm clock? What, about maybe that big? - I don't know, like this? - Like that? - Like that.
- I can do that.
Great.
You know, this could sound crazy but what do you think about adding a drawer for, like, a blanket? - Blanket or a quilt? - Blanket.
- About that thick? - Maybe like this.
- Like that? - Like that.
- Lf that's what you want.
- That's what I want.
Hey, George, do you want this cup holder? Want it mounted on the left, the right, the middle? Whatever.
This is unbelievable.
This is better than my bed at home.
All right.
It's been a long night.
You go home and get some sleep.
- Lf that's what you want.
- That's what I want.
- Morning, George.
- Morning, Mr.
Wilhelm.
- I got pool problems, Jerry.
- What happened? Well, I had been swimming for three hours and I was in a real groove, so I decided to keep going.
But at 10, they start the aquacise.
Thirty-five geriatrics throwing elbows.
It was like I was swimming through a flabby-armed spanking machine.
- Well, how long did that last? - Half-hour.
Then diving class started.
Well, that got a little messy.
I gotta find a new place to swim because that pool can't hold me, Jerry.
- How was the movie? - I cancelled.
Hal sent a mattress to my apartment.
- The nerve of that guy.
- Why? He's got a back problem.
So you think he was expecting a roll in the supportive hay? After one date.
- What's that guy's last name again? - Kitzmiller.
Oh, that's right.
What are you gonna do with the mattress? I don't know, chuck it? Oh, wait, no, no, no.
I'll take it.
Yeah, come over.
See if it'll fit in my bedroom.
- Oh, all right.
- Yeah, my old one sprung a leak.
- You have a waterbed? - Sand.
It's like sleeping on a beach.
- Hey.
- Hi, Con.
Jerry, I'm sorry I'm late.
George and I, we've been up all night long.
I can make up the time to you any number of ways.
How about this? Finish this thing up today.
- Couple questions for you.
- No, no more questions.
Just figure it out for yourself and get it done.
All right, Jerry, but I can figure it out by myself any way you want.
Just do it.
Costanza.
Where's Costanza? Have you seen Costanza? I've seen him around.
He was humming this song yesterday.
I can't seem to get it out of my head.
I gotta know the name of that.
She's a heartbreaker A love-taker Brubaker run this prison like a man Something like that.
Very catchy tune.
Very, very catchy.
Well, you know what? I'm gonna sit here and wait for that guy.
What is this, People? "The Most Beautiful People" People.
Connie Sellecca.
Nothing wrong that, huh? Elaine, you're taking this the wrong way.
That's not what I intended.
Well, what did you intend, Hal? I just wanted you to have the comfort and support you deserve.
That's why I had the mattress custom designed for you.
Custom designed? They adjust the foam density and the spring tension to your body type.
I estimated your height and weight: Oh, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
- So you do like the mattress? - I love it.
I'm glad I kept it.
Over there, that's Brooklyn.
That's where Spike Lee lives.
Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.
No, that's probably just a dead body, son.
You see, when the mob kills someone, they throw the body in the river.
Hey, Jerr.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.
Well, my swimming pool problems are solved.
I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.
- What is that smell? - That's East River.
- You're swimming in the East River? - Yeah.
The most heavily-trafficked overly-contaminated waterway on the Eastern Seaboard? Technically, Norfolk has more gross tonnage.
How could you swim in that water? I saw a couple of other guys out there.
- Swimming? - Well, floating.
They werert moving much, but they were out there.
Hey, Kramer.
It's Elaine.
Thanks for bringing my mattress back and I guess I'll just get my spare key from you whenever.
All right.
Bye.
Oh, this is a good mattress.
Where is this guy? I've been waiting for three and a half hours.
Should I go? No way, Jack.
I'm not humming it at the record store again.
- Mr.
Steinbrenner? - That's what they call me.
- Your grandchildren are here.
- Oh, well, send them in.
- Send the tykes in.
- Grandpa, Grandpa, Grandpa.
Hey, you little kids.
Who are you people? Come here.
Come here.
How about a ride on the Stein-pony express? Get up here.
What's your name, shorty? Mel? Are you Mel? - Hello.
- Jerry, Jerry.
I'm trapped under my desk.
Steinbrenner's in the room.
- You gotta help me.
- Who is this? - Jerry.
- Hi.
Go away.
Bye-bye.
Get away.
- Hi, I'm Brian.
- Beat it, Brian.
Beat it.
Beat it.
Why don't you just have him paged? They'll see the extensiors coming from my Back off.
Come on.
Would you do something? Call in a bomb threat.
A bomb threat? Why would I call in a bomb threat? Just call.
- I think I should have some reason.
- Jerry! You kids are up on all the new tunes.
Tell me if this rings a bell: Heartbreaker Love-taker Shoemaker Wort you fix my shoes for free? Anything? Shorty? Girl? Mr.
Steinbrenner, we received a call.
There's a bomb in the building.
- Thank God.
- A bomb in the building? Oh, my God.
Quick, everybody under the desk.
Can you imagine what went through my mind when I saw there wasrt room under that desk for me and my babies? - I'm sorry, sir.
- You know what I think? - I think you knew about that bomb.
- What? You had a premonition about the bomb.
You climbed under that desk because you have ESP.
Quick, George, put a thought in my mind.
Meatballs, huh? Unbelievable.
You're a wonder, George.
Anyway, this terrorist had a very specific demand.
No more cheap adjustable hats for Hat Day.
He wants fitted hats just like the players wear.
- Jerry.
Jerry.
- Yeah.
What the hell is this? - Where are you? - Over here.
You can see right through here.
What is this? It's like you're selling movie tickets back here.
I think it's kind of cozy.
All right.
You are not gonna believe what Kramer did to my mattress.
I can't I can't talk to you like this.
So Kramer completely funked up my mattress.
Does it smell like the East River? Yes, it does.
How did you know? Kramer's been swimming laps between the Queensboro Bridge and the Brooklyn Bridge.
- Oh, great! Oh, man, I'm on the wrong floor again.
Hey.
Thanks for ruining my mattress.
It reeks.
Hey, you know what I think it is? I think it's that East River.
I think it might be polluted.
Well, you really did it to me this time, Seinfeld.
What the hell happened here? - Hey.
- Hey.
- Look how obtrusive it is.
- It is obtrusive, isn't it? - It's very obtrusive.
- I don't think it's that bad.
- Well, can I get a stool in here? - No, the stools go over there.
No, no, no, that's no good.
I'm leaving.
Yeah, I'm with stinky.
I'm going back to my place.
Fitted Hat Day? That's what you asked Steinbrenner for? Hey, they're actually doing the fitted hats? Cool.
Guess who he put in charge of Fitted Hat Day.
Me.
- Hey, look at you.
- Yeah, look at me.
Now, I gotta figure out the different head sizes of 59,000 different people.
What if a pinead shows up? I gotta be on top of that.
No knockoffs.
I want the ones like the real players wear.
Forget the fitted hats! I'm not doing it! And you're gonna call Steinbrenner back and cancel the whole thing! - Could you at least get a hat for me? - Fine.
What size? - Seven and five-eighths.
- Seven and five-eighths! - Why are you shouting? - I don't know! It's this place.
I'm very uncomfortable here.
So you're liking the mattress? Oh, I'm loving it.
You know, we should get going.
- What is that smell? - What smell? - I think it's the mattress.
- Did something happen to it? No, no.
Oh, you know what that is? I went clamming the other day and I forgot to hose off my boots.
- Clamming? - Yeah, I clam and scallop.
I clam and scallop.
Yes, yes, come in.
Come in.
Sir, I just got a call from the terrorist.
I told him to call here, if you have a moment.
Costanza, let me ask you something.
Is it "Fe-bru-ary" or "Feb-uary"? Because I prefer "uary," and what is this rule? Let me put that on speaker phone for you, sir.
- Hello, bomber? - Yeah, this is the terrorist bomber.
You know, Costanza is busting his hump on those hats.
Yeah, you know, about those hats, I think maybe I changed my mind.
You don't want them? They're gone.
Goodbye.
- Good thinking, sir.
- Now, what do you want instead? - What? - Well, you're the terrorist.
You gotta want something.
It would be nice if you called ticket-holders if a game is gonna be rained out.
All right, George, you can handle that.
What the hell are you doing? We have to stand tough.
That's why I had to hang up the phone.
When someone's unstable, don't stir the pot.
Know what I'm gonna do? Run around the stadium, closing windows.
That's what I'm doing, pal.
And I'll tell you something else: I am very nervous! I liked that stuffed-crust pizza, cheese-in-crust pizza.
- It's just more cheese.
- Let me tell you something.
It'll be years before they find another place to hide cheese on a pizza.
- Kramer.
- Oh, hey.
Hi.
Oh, this is Hal.
Hal, Kramer.
Kramer, Hal.
Hal Langerhans.
- Kitzmiller.
- Yeah, Kitzmiller.
- That's right.
- You taking a dip? - Oh, I'm dipping.
- That smell? Well, listen I gotta get to the pier.
Ferry traffic gets really bad around 4:30, but Look, I still got your key to your apartment and I'll give it back to you as soon as I can.
Baby.
Lunch.
- Kramer.
- Hey.
- Can I talk to you a minute? - Yeah, sure, sure.
- Oh, boy.
- Kitzmiller.
That's it.
- You and Elaine are pretty close.
- Oh, we go back a ways.
And you've How do I put this? - You've been in her bed.
- That's right.
But this isn't still going on? No, no, no, she put a stop to that.
That's all I needed to know.
So you actually swim in this thing? Oh, yeah.
Exercises every muscle in the body.
It's great for the back.
Great for the back.
Right.
Four hours in this chop, and I'm a full inch taller.
Giddyup.
Heartbreaker Brubaker Hey, hey, George, I remember that tune.
George? George? What's that ticking? Fire in the hole! I can't believe the Lumbar Yard wouldn't pick this up.
Okay.
- You want it back the way it was? - Yeah, that's right.
You know, I don't get you, Seinfeld.
You want something one day.
The next day you don't like it.
I mean, come on, man.
Make a decision.
One second.
- Hello.
- Jerry, you gotta help me.
I threw my back out.
So just lie down.
I am lying down.
I am trapped under a funky mattress.
You gotta go get a doctor or at least come over and roll this thing off of me.
All right.
I'll be right there.
Conrad, I gotta go.
Stay, go.
Whatever.
- Hey, Kramer.
- What's going on? I told my chiropractor how swimming in the river made my back feel.
He recommended it to all his patients.
Step aside.
He just sunk like a stone, didn't he? - Sir, I'm sure it's not a bomb.
- Don't be so brave, George.
You mess with them.
They're messing with you.
All right, boys, send it in.
Wait.
What's that thing straight ahead? Is that's anything? Is that Mothra? Let's check the desk.
That's where I heard the ticking.
Search each of those drawers, starting with the top one.
It's just empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie? Looks like there's more compartments underneath.
Compartments underneath? Probably where it is.
Okay, boys, let it rip.
I'll tell you what, starting tomorrow, no more desks.
Just a Lucite table and four legs.
Hey! Hey, watch where you're kicking! You people find your own river! - Jeez! - I'm so sor - Kramer.
- Elaine.
Hi.
I am loving this.
Hey, I'll meet you at the coffee shop.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Hey, Connie.
Jerry around? No, and I prefer Conrad.
So I heard what happened to the desk.
There was something so reassuring about that cozy little space.
Yeah, well, whatever.
See you.
Back to normal.
Not bad for 4000 bucks.
Can't believe I got the low-fat.