The Middle s08e18 Episode Script

1 [Crow caws.]
How's your spaghetti? Good.
How's yours? It's good.
Brick! How's yours? Good! [Vehicle approaches.]
Dad! Code blue! There's a truck! False alarm.
just movers.
Frankie: After the basement flooded, Mike jerry-rigged the pipes, but we needed a professional to come and look at it.
We were looking for a plumber off the clock someone who'd fix it for 20 bucks and a case of beer.
Dad, this is not a drill! There's a van coming this way! It's a plumber! It's a plumber! You're sure? It has a picture of a dripping faucet and a self-effacing cartoon of a man with his pants pulled down just enough to show crack.
Bingo! We have plumber! He's coming from the Norwoods' driveway.
He's going fast! Hurry! Stall him! [Tires screech.]
Hi.
Mike Heck.
You know we only got seven more months of community service? I'm actually gonna miss this.
Okay.
Ugh.
It's your turn to do the udder.
I did the udder last time.
Fine.
Then you do the butt.
So hard to believe you're gonna be done with college soon.
I bet there's things you want to do that you didn't even get to.
[Sighs.]
Never Saran Wrapped someone's room.
Anything else? Eh, never tied someone up and left them in an elevator.
That's a felony.
Anything else? Like maybe inviting your brother up to campus for a weekend of fun, like you said you were gonna do for the past four years but never did? That's not true! You came to visit.
Once.
And it was to help you study.
We didn't have fun.
Well, we're having fun right now, little buddy.
Court-mandated fun! Come on, Axl.
Look, no offense I just don't want to be hanging around with a 12-year-old.
I'm 15.
What?! Really? Okay, fine.
You can come hang.
We need tiny hands to feel inside the walls and find out what's running around in there.
[Groans.]
[Knock on door.]
Oh, hey, Bill.
How you doing? Good.
I'm good.
I'm doing good.
Good.
Yeah.
So, um, just talked to Ron Donahue.
He said, uh, he saw my plumber going into your house? Oh.
Yeah.
Remember that pipe busted a month ago? It was still giving me trouble, but Herb fixed it up great.
Oh.
Okay.
So you made an appointment with Herb, and then he came out? No I saw him leaving your house, and I just flagged him down.
That the way you hire people now, Mike? You flag 'em down? Well, he was done at your house.
- You poached my plumber! - Aw, come on! Come on, where? Where? To a place where it's okay to poach other people's plumbers? Look, he was off the clock.
There's a way to do things, Mike.
You look at the magnet on the fridge, and you call the plumber.
That's it.
That's why they give you the magnet.
Not so you can hold up your kids' artwork.
They don't care about your kids' artwork! I think you're overreacting.
Did you pay him the $80 service fee to come out here? No.
He was already here.
Yeah 'cause I already paid the 80 bucks! Okay, look, you know things have been tight lately.
I had a bread-heel sandwich for lunch.
Are you really this angry about this? Yeah.
It's kind of a big deal.
That's all.
Okay, how about I split the 80 bucks with you? [Laughs.]
That ship has sailed, Mike.
But I'm sure if you saw that ship coming down the street, you'd flag it down and ask it to fix your plumbing! Hi, Bill.
Hey, Frankie.
How are you? Nice Nice top.
[Sighs.]
You're not gonna believe this.
Bill's mad I used his plumber.
Really? "You used my plumber, Mike.
There's a way of doing things, Mike.
Yeah, I'm upset about it.
Yeah.
I make a big deal out of small things.
Yeah.
" [Bill clears throat.]
Oh.
Hi.
Like to imitate people, Mike? I can imitate people, too.
"Hey, I'm Mike Heck.
I like to flag down other people's plumbers.
I'm too cool for sunglasses.
" Hurts, doesn't it? Mm! I just love picnics.
They're so all-American.
You just make some potato salad, grab your blanket out of the oven, and go.
I know, right? Dad doesn't get it.
What's not to get?! It's like the world is your television set.
That's what I said! So, tell me about school.
What's the haps? Well, the bathroom near my Spanish class went co-ed, so now I have to rush my poops.
[Groans.]
Man: Hi, there.
[Groans.]
[Chuckles.]
Hey.
I'm Hudson.
Liam.
Hey.
I'm Frankie.
This is Sue.
Sue? That's a pretty name.
[Whispering.]
What's happening? We're new to Orson.
How about you guys? Oh, no.
[Chuckles.]
We're old-timers.
Well, I'm an older-timer than her.
She's my daughter.
Oh, come on.
You must be sisters.
[Laughs.]
Well, I did have her very young.
And I drink a lot of water.
Well, not water, really.
Pop.
But that's got water in it.
Anyway Hey, let's play some Frisbee.
Yeah! Let's get some cardio going.
[Whispering.]
Do they expect us to play? I really don't understand what's happening.
[Whispering.]
I don't, either.
Well, you're the mom! Do something! Don't be shy, ladies.
You can't play sitting.
Oh, I don't know.
There's mayonnaise on our sandwiches.
[Chuckles.]
That's true.
Uh, she doesn't lie.
Moms don't lie.
Let me show you something.
You'll get a much better [Gasps.]
Okay, you know what? We're just trying to enjoy our thing, and for you to come and sit on our blanket, that that's just weird.
Next time, just bring your own blanket and sit on it.
I-I don't mean that in a "Happy Days" way.
Not like, "Sit on it!" Just sit on your own blanket.
I'm trying to be polite but firm.
We thought you were part of the group.
What group? The singles event.
[Laughs nervously.]
Oh, well, that's much less inappropriate, then.
Ohh.
Uh Please accept this frosting as a little "my bad" gift.
[Chuckles.]
And we will just scooch our blanket out of range.
Okay.
Good luck.
Ugh! This weekend's gonna suck! I'm gonna have to take Brick to the museum and the library and a bunch of other nerd-tractions.
Is he gonna want to read stuff to me? 'Cause I don't like being read to.
Look, I couldn't say no.
The kid worships me, man.
I mean, I'm, like, the only cool person in the family.
And after this weekend, he's got to go back there.
It's sad.
It's like when Tarzan got to meet fancy people that eat with forks, and then he had to go back to the jungle and live with the apes.
Yeah, but Tarzan wanted to go back to the jungle, so the apes are the cool ones.
Well, then, I'm the apes.
Either way, I should send him home with some of my old hair product as a parting gift.
[Knock on door.]
Ugh! All right, Brick, Kenny's at a convention, so you can sleep in his chair/bed and/or table.
And, uh, first up on the dork tour I heard the science library's doing something sciency.
Oh, I'm not here for libraries.
I am here to par-tay.
Listen to this.
So, I'm at the hardware store just now.
I see Bill.
He didn't even wave at me.
Did you wave to him? No.
I don't wave at him.
It's not our relationship.
Oh, great.
Now I'm calling what we have a relationship.
Now I'm calling it "what we have.
" What's happening?! What do you mean, you don't wave to him? He waves, then I nod.
That's what we do.
So did you nod? No, I didn't nod because he didn't wave.
He waves, I nod.
He failed to initiate the sequence, not me.
Seems complicated.
I think we're in a fight only, it's kind of a girly one.
And I'm not too thrilled with Ron Donahue, either clucking like a hen, telling Bill he saw his plumber coming over to me.
Yep.
You're in a girly fight.
[Cellphone chimes.]
Who's Hudson? And why are you in a picture playing Frisbee with him? And what's it mean, "Let me know if your status changes"? [Laughing.]
Oh, my God.
Aah! Sue, come here! [Laughs.]
Look, look, look.
[Laughs.]
Oh, my God.
Look at that.
Okay.
Somebody picked us up at our picnic yesterday.
Yeah.
Somebody still wants to hit this.
And I wasn't even wearing those underpants.
Boop, boop, boop! Hitting my thigh.
And if I'm not waving, I'm sure not dancing.
Things happen when you leave the house, Mike.
It's called life! Hey, that Liam was really cute.
Maybe he'll text you.
I don't know.
I kind of like someone else.
[Gasps.]
You do?! Shut the door.
Let's dish.
So, who do you like? What's his name? Where's he from? Is he short? Is he tall? Is he too tall? There's such a thing as too tall.
Look, Mom, I don't even have any reason to believe that he likes me, so I don't really want to talk about it.
You know what I'm hearing? That you want to tell me but you're afraid to.
That's not what I'm saying at all.
Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tickle, tell me! Aah! Aah! Aah! Mom! Stop! Stop! Stop! Okay.
You don't have to tell me.
I'll just guess.
I'll go through the alphabet.
Ah, aah Arnie? Buh, buh Brian? Cah? Duh? Eh? Fruh? Guh? [Gasps.]
You blinked on Guh.
It's not Guh.
Then why did you blink? Because I had to blink.
Greg? Guy? Gui? Ooh! Is he French? Mom, cut it out! And please don't tickle me again.
I have to pee a little, and I really like this comforter.
Sue, you tell me everything.
You can't just cut me off cold turkey.
Just give Mama a little taste, and then I will be on my way.
I need you to respect my privacy here.
[Sighs.]
It's personal, Mom.
I know you can understand that.
Hmm? Yeah.
Okay.
Sure.
Okay.
[Deep voice.]
Hey.
Is the nosy mom gone? It's just the two of us now.
You can tell me.
[Normal voice.]
Huh? Used to work when you were little.
I thought I'd give it a try.
Door open or closed? Okay, closed.
[Rock music plays, indistinct conversations.]
Hey, man, have you seen Brick? I can't find him anywhere.
Oh, he's fine.
I saw him doing a Scottish rap.
Now he's in the back, talking to some people.
Wha So, the whole joke rests upon the premise that the guy's mother is ugly enough to be confused with a zoo animal and that if she had a ticket to get out of the zoo, they would just let her out! If the mother looks like an animal in the first place, she wouldn't need a ticket to get in.
They'd just shoot her with an elephant gun and stick her in a cage.
Thank you! [Scoffs.]
Hey, Axl, great party.
Uh, I just want Hi, Danna.
Just one one second.
Oh.
[Grunts.]
Want to get rid of everybody? Tired? What's your bedtime now? 7:00? 8:00? You keep forgetting I'm not a kid anymore.
I've got a girlfriend.
I've pulled a prank with my mom and dad.
You don't think I can par-tay? [Scoffs.]
I can par-tay har-tay.
Don't say "par-tay.
" Or "har-tay.
" Also "membrane.
" It skeeves me.
It's the reason I'm not a doctor.
I actually think we can liven things up a little here.
Might be time to crank the Como.
What?! No! Drugs are not cool! Stay in school! I'm talking about Perry Como.
Perry Como, Crystal Meth giving them first names doesn't take away the danger! What is happening to you?! Didn't you ever listen to Aunt Edie's old records? - God, no! - Are you kidding me? Henry Mancini, Andy Williams That's a boss bunch of cats in that collection.
And Perry Como is the bossest of them all.
He'd really give this party the kick it needs.
[Perry Como's "Papa Loves Mambo" plays.]
Yeah! That's what I'm talking about.
Just try and not move.
You can't.
Papa loves mambo Mama loves mambo This is not how I thought the party was gonna go, but I'm not mad at it.
Papa loves mambo Mama loves mambo Havin' their fling again, younger than spring again Feelin' that zing again, wow Hunh! [Sporting even plays on TV.]
What is wrong with you? Can you tell me quietly? The TV's on.
I just got off the phone with Paula.
She said Bill is beside himself.
You ran over his oranges? I was just driving.
He's the one that lost control of his oranges.
Well, Paula said that Bill said you intentionally drove over his oranges and you gave an evil smile while you were doing it.
I didn't give an evil smile.
You're giving one right now.
He is really mad at you, Mike.
That's his problem.
I got no problem.
Oh, you got a big problem, buddy.
We don't have so many friends that we can just let them go willy-nilly.
You think the Donahues are gonna take our side on this? They're all we've got.
And we do nothing for them.
We're like the little birds on the back of a hippo picking the bugs off, and you are really messing with that now.
Why are you in such a bad mood? [Sighs.]
I'm losing Sue.
What? She won't tell me who she likes.
She won't even tickle-tell me.
She used to tell me everything, and now she doesn't want my advice at all.
Well, that's not your problem.
That's her problem.
You're making her problem your problem.
That's your problem.
[Scoffs.]
You're my problem.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
- All right, Brick.
- [Music stops.]
I need to sleep.
Me too.
I'm really tired.
So I don't need no one to read to me.
Sleep? [Scoffs.]
Is this college or a nursing home? Come on! Let's go do something! Let's Saran Wrap someone's room.
Let's do the walk of shame! Yeah, that doesn't mean what you think it does.
Let's pull an all-nighter! That just means staying up all night studying.
Come on! I'm up for anything! [Chuckles.]
I'm at college, man.
I want to bite into the grapefruit of life and let the juices drip down my chin, and then immediately put on hydrocortisone because I'm prone to eczema.
I'm tired! I just want to sleep.
It's 2:00 a.
m.
! Hey, it's 5:00 somewhere.
Mnh-mnh that's something else that doesn't mean what you think it does.
Axl, this is my last chance to spend time with you at college.
Please! Ugh! Why do you idolize me so much? Why am I so amazing? All right.
Fine.
The agricultural students usually have something going on in one of their birthing barns.
It's like a party in a barn.
It's called a barty.
You're on me for "par-tay," but "barty" is okay? I didn't name it, Brick.
Ehh.
Hey, there.
Who you texting? Just Lexie.
I'm letting her know I'm gonna take a shower, and then I'll leave here in about an hour, and then she'll know I'll be there in 46 minutes 42 minutes to get there and then a four-minute window for extra padding, and then if I'm not there, she'll call the police.
[Dish clanks.]
Frankie: I know it's wrong, but they say if you notice any behavioral changes in your child, it's your duty as a mother to snoop.
Now, what was her password? "GirlsRock.
" [Buzzer.]
Shoot! I'm doing this for her.
This is my baby, my little princess.
"Princess.
" Ooh! Okay.
Uh Belle? [Buzzer.]
[Groans.]
Crap! Ariel? [Buzzer.]
Crap! What's the name of that Indian one? I mean, Native American one.
I don't really need to be politically correct in my head, but it's nice that I am.
And I just did that automatically without thinking about it.
That proves I'm a really nice person and was not just pretending to be.
I wish I had more black friends.
Pocahontas! [Buzzer.]
Damn it! [Clank.]
So, what's next on our agenda? Oh, my God! There's nothing left! We spit off the clock tower, we got in a tater tot fight in the cafeteria, we partied with farmers, we watched a lamb get born.
I'm just gonna lay my face down on this pancake like a pillow.
Ooh! [Snaps fingers.]
Wait a minute.
Pancake pillow.
Write that down.
We're gonna be rich.
[Splat.]
Ahh.
You know, Axl, I want to thank you.
You really showed me a great time.
Yeah, you know, it turned out to be more fun than I thought.
Oh, hey! Look at this.
Eat while you sleep.
Now we just got to use science to figure out how big a pancake to cover a typical night's sleep.
What is that like, 13 hours? [Laughs.]
[Door opens, bells jingle.]
Hey, there's that girl from the party last night who likes you.
Wha? Oh.
Danna? Nah.
She's just a friend.
I don't think she likes me.
Axl, she couldn't have been more obvious.
She kept wanting to talk to you, she kept dancing next to you.
I'm not even good at picking up social cues, and I got it.
All right, look, I just broke up with April.
And then Devin and Cassidy showed up.
The universe is telling me to just hold off for now.
You know, maybe I just got to hang out with my bros.
- And my bro.
- [Snaps fingers.]
Well, if you're not ready, you're not ready.
But let me share a little story with you.
There's a secondhand shop near school that I used to go to every day, and they had this zebra bookmark Write down "syrup pocket.
" I'll know what it means.
Sorry.
Continue.
Every time I'd go in the shop, I'd feel the bookmark.
I loved it.
The contrast between the black and white, the touch of the synthetic hair.
And every day, I'd say, "Tomorrow, I'm gonna come back and buy it.
" But then I went in there one day, and it was gone.
If this is your super-not-subtle way of asking me to buy you a bookmark, it's not working.
Uh, I guess the analogy is clearer to me because I like my women like I like my bookmarks long and skinny.
You've seen Cindy.
Growl! I'm uncomfortable.
What I'm saying is, go out and get yourself a bookmark.
- But I don't want a bookmar - [Bangs table.]
"Bookmarks" equals "girls"! I'm talking about girls! Go get one before it's too late! What are you waiting for?! Huh.
It's either my lack of sleep or you're starting to make some sense here, Brick.
You know, Brick, you're really growing up.
I mean, we both are.
We're men.
We're Heck men.
It's up to us to carry on the Heck name.
Yeah.
I guess it is.
So, now I'm gonna take your advice.
I'm gonna go get me a bookmark the girl kind.
[Door opens, bells jingle.]
It's so weird.
I could've sworn I put it down on the counter.
No, I don't think you did.
I'm pretty sure you put it over on the table.
[Gasps.]
Well I guess it's probably as good a time as any to tell you I got you a new phone.
You did? Why? 'Cause I love you, and it's my right to spoil you.
And there ain't nothin' you can do about it.
This is Brick's phone.
No, it's not.
Then why is Cindy's number in here? And Troy's? And the Orson Library and the Jasper Library and the Library of Congress? Okay, fine.
It's Brick's phone.
I was trying to break in to your phone to see who you liked, and I dropped it and cracked it.
[Gasps.]
But And yes, I-I realize that makes me a crazy person.
But if you lived through what I lived through with you, you would understand.
Like, when you were in kindergarten, we had a special arrangement with the nurse's office so you could call me every day at 10:00 because you missed me so much.
And you would only be in Brownies if I was the leader.
And people would tell me, "Oh, girls are great when they're little, but wait till she's a teenager.
" And then you were a teenager, and you were just as delightful, and I thought, "We are gonna be best friends forever.
" And now Come here, Mom.
No.
No! You don't want me.
Yes, I do.
Mom, I love you.
And I understand why you want to know, but I'm not sure if he likes me, and I'm not sure how much I really like him.
So for right now, this is just a fun thing for me to think about.
But when I'm ready, you will be the first person I come to to talk about it.
Aww! Before Lexie? Before Dad? Obviously before Dad.
Oh, and, by the way, my password is "SueHeckWins.
" You might need it in case there's an emergency and you need to call the police.
[Gasps.]
Oh, shoot! Lexie! [Knock on door.]
[Knock on door.]
Wow.
You really need to brush your teeth.
Oh, God.
I don't care.
Hunh! Papa loves mambo Papa loves mambo Mama loves mambo Mama loves mambo Papa does great with it, swings like a gate with it He loses weight with it, now Hunh! [Sighs.]
What's the problem? Battery's dead.
Need a jump? I got cables.
That'd be great.
[Trunk lid closes.]
It's a funny thing about guys.
They don't apologize or hug or rehash what went wrong.
Guys mend fences the way guys do with jumper cables.
Nice cables.
Thanks.
They're 18-footers.
Hey, did you hear the one about the guy who tried to get into a nice supper club, but he didn't have a tie, so he used jumper cables? The maître d' said, "I'll let you in, but, uh, don't start anything.
" [Chuckles.]
Yeah.
You don't have to worry about me poaching that one.
[Chuckles.]