Big Bang Theory s08e19 Episode Script

Leonard, I've been working on an opening joke for our lecture at Berkeley.
Oh, I like to laugh.
But say it anyway.
Okay, um What do you say to a graduate of the UC Berkeley physics department? I'll have fries with that.
(chuckles) Because his education hasn't prepared him for a career in the sciences.
You know, when they chase you out of there, you only have to run faster than Sheldon.
Are you all set for your trip? Yeah, I think so.
I just restocked the old PRK.
"PRK"? Public restroom kit.
Everything a boy needs for making pee pee in new and strange places.
I don't see what's crazy about bringing a backpack with your own toilet paper and Purell.
Keep going.
And rubber gloves, uh, air freshener.
Um, noise-cancelling headphones.
Oh, danger whistle.
Um pepper spray.
Ooh, a multi-language "occupied" sign.
Uh, let's see.
We have seat protectors, uh, booties for my shoes, a clothespin for my nose.
Oh, and a mirror on a stick, so I can make sure the person in the stall next to me isn't some kind of weirdo.
You still worried some Berkeley girl is gonna steal him away? Yes, who do you think gave him the danger whistle? Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! Would you like to play a physics car game I invented called "I Can't Spy"? It's all the nail-biting tension of "I Spy" but the added fun of subatomic particles and waves outside the visible spectrum.
If it's half as much fun as "One Times Ten to the Fourth Bottles of Beer on the Wall", I'm in.
I'll begin.
Uh, I can't spy with my little eye something passing right through us.
That soy Frappuccino I had.
(chuckles) Will you please play the game? I can't spy with my little eye something passing right through us.
I don't know, um If 65 billion solar neutrinos pass through a square centimeter every second, given the surface area of this car is about 60,000 square centimeters, that means 3.
9 times ten to the 15th solar neutrinos? I don't want to play anymore.
We haven't been on a road trip in a while.
This is fun.
We get it-- you won the game.
Stop bragging.
No, listen, we wrote a paper together.
Now we get to go to a university and talk about it? That's pretty cool.
I suppose it is.
In fact, if you'd like to celebrate with a little music, I'd be okay with that.
What? This road trip just got crazy.
Play that funky music, white boy.
I'm surprised you know that reference.
What reference? So, I put stickers on everything we're gonna sell.
We just need help taking it all out to the driveway.
Can I be in charge of pricing? I've been going to garage sales my whole life.
Can you believe I got these pantyhose for a nickel? All right, Amy's in charge of pricing and being 75.
Hey, Penny, can you give me a hand with this? Sure.
Aw, we had one of these growing up.
I used to play all the time.
Oh, yeah? I love Ping-Pong.
Oh, I meant beer pong.
I had a table, too, but I didn't have any friends, so all I did was serve.
You know, you can leave one side up and play against it.
And if I had a friend, they might have told me that.
Excuse me.
Why is there a sticker on this? It's my TARDIS from Doctor Who.
I was planning on moving it in the house.
I think you just answered your own question.
Come on, one day, this may double in value and be worth half what I paid for it.
Sweetie, we have a lot to do.
We don't need to decide this right now.
Well, I guess as long as you're keeping an open mind.
Of course.
So they're requesting that the white boy play the funky music, yes? Yes.
And this music we're listening to right now is funky as well? Sure.
Let me ask you this.
Do you think this song is the music the white boy ultimately plays? It could be.
So it's like the musical equivalent of Russell's Paradox, the question of whether the set of all sets that don't contain themselves as members contains itself? Exactly.
Well then I hate it.
Music should just be fun.
(music stops) Making great time.
Gonna be there pretty early.
Will our hotel room be ready? I doubt it.
Aren't you worried that sitting in the lobby for a long period of time might attract the attention of the hotel detective? If we do, we'll just tell him to "hit the bricks, see?" Seems a little confrontational, but all right.
You know, we won't be very far from Skywalker Ranch.
Oh, that's true.
It's not like we can get in there.
Why not? I-I don't think George Lucas put his headquarters in the middle of nowhere because he wanted people dropping in.
Yoda's swamp was in the middle of nowhere.
Tatooine was in the middle of nowhere.
Hoth was in the middle of nowhere.
That's code, Leonard.
He wants us to drop in.
We do have time.
I mean, we could drive by and just look at it.
Yes! Oh I'm so excited.
And I just can't hide it.
"I'm about to lose control, and I think I like it.
" What are you talking about? So when do you guys think you're gonna move in? We're still figuring how much remodeling we want to do.
It's tricky finding the right balance between "tasteful modern" and "Jewish mother tchotchke crapfest.
" Have you made a decision about the TARDIS? I think I can sell it if we call it, "Big British Porta-Potty.
" We're not selling it-- it's mine.
You can't just decide.
How about I arm-wrestle you? That's not fair.
It's like me challenging you to a sexy pants contest.
You could play Ping-Pong for it.
I would do that.
How is that fair? You grew up with a table.
Yes, but I mostly used it as a battlefield in an ongoing war between the Transformers and the ThunderCats for control of a bra I had found in the woods.
Bernadette, for every episode of Doctor Who Leonard has made me sit through, I will play on your behalf and send that TARDIS back to Gallifrey, where I hate that I know it belongs.
Yes, Penny plays for me.
That's not fair-- she has upper body muscles.
Dude, three-time Sanskriti School for Well-Born Boys badminton champion.
That's right-- okay, Raj can play for me.
Ooh, you just chose champions.
It's like we're reenacting the ancient German practice of trial by combat.
PENNY: Yeah, it's also like when the Mountain fought the Red Viper in Game of Thrones.
Leonard makes you watch that, too? No, no, I like that show.
It's got dragons and people doing it.
WOLOWITZ: So it's settled.
The fate of Doctor Who's TARDIS will be decided by a Game of Thrones inspired death-match on the battlefield of ThunderCats versus Transformers.
If you still have that bra, I'll give you a nickel for it.
There it is.
It's just a gate.
On a road.
Wasn't even that hard to find.
This is so amazing! I know! You want to get a picture? I want more than a picture.
I want to go in.
Well, so do I, but they'll never let us.
Is that the attitude that helped you get Penny? No, but I don't have three years to make that gate feel sorry for me.
Uh, there's a speaker box.
Drive up, push the button, and let's see what happens.
Okay, yeah.
What do we have to lose? I'm a little nervous.
Well, get over it.
Confidence is key in these situations.
Right.
(gasps) You pushed it-- are you out of your mind?! MAN: May I help you? Um Uh, uh we don't have an appointment, and-and we don't belong here, but we-we're, like, crazy-big fans.
I mean (stammers) "crazy for Star Wars" crazy, not crazy like we have a backpack full of duct tape, although we do have a backpack that you really don't want to look in.
You're blowing it.
We want to meet George Lucas and become his friends and play with him! Hello? This speaker's not working, just pull up.
And that's how it's done.
All right, we've defeated the first challenge.
Now we must steel ourselves to face the monster who defends the gate.
We're trying to get past a security guard, not rescue Zelda.
I think what really needs to be rescued is your sense of whimsy, but one quest at a time.
So what's the plan? Uh, I'm just gonna be honest with the guy.
Honesty will never get us in.
Well, what's your plan? All right, my plan is predicated on the assumption that they have a nurse's office and your willingness to be lightly stabbed.
Who are you here to see? Uh, I'm just gonna tell you the truth.
Oh, you are killing me.
We don't have an appointment.
We-we're just fans of Mr.
Lucas's work, and we thought we'd take a shot and see if we could get in and look around.
Sorry, guys, we get this a lot.
Can't let you in.
What if I told you that I was the voice of Yoda? (imitating Yoda): A recording session I must attend.
I'm sorry, don't listen to him.
We're actually physicists.
We're giving a lecture at Berkeley later today.
We just we had some time to kill.
GUARD: Hey, listen, you seem like decent guys.
I can't let you in, but I got some hats and T-shirts I can give you.
Thank you so much.
See? Maybe honesty is the best (door opens) What are you doing? Shedding the yoke of my oppressors, you blind, sad little man.
Don't move! Code A-A-23, A-A-23.
GUARD 2: Copy.
SHELDON (gasps): I can see the ranch, Leonard! Oh, it's rustic, it's lovely.
I'd take a picture, but people are chasing me.
I'm gonna make it! I'm gonna make it! They have Tasers, but they wouldn't dare use (Sheldon screams) (thuds) Come on, Raj.
You are the King Kong of Ping-Pong.
You are the menace of table tennis.
Put her away, 'cause I don't have a third one.
Yes! Yes! (whoops) Rajesh eight, Penny four.
Sorry, he's really good.
Hey, Raj.
if Howard can't keep the TARDIS, how great would it look at your place? What? Yeah, what? I don't know much about Doctor Who, but if, um, you were to put this right outside your front door and open up the back, it would be like your entire apartment was the inside of the TARDIS, which is pretty cool 'cause on the show, the inside of the TARDIS is bigger than the outside.
But then again, I don't know much about Doctor Who.
Don't listen to her.
You and I go way back-- we're like brothers.
We are.
We are.
(clears throat) Oh, no! What a terrible serve! Sorry, brother.
Eight-five.
This is ridiculous.
I want a new champion.
Amy, were you serious about being able to serve? Uh, it-it's been a long time.
I don't know.
I'm probably pretty rusty.
Wow.
She's my champion! Well, if you can switch champions, so can I.
I want Raj.
Hey.
Oh, come on, like you even care.
I care! Oh, wait, no, I don't.
Good luck, Raj.
You know, I thought our friendship meant more to you.
So did I.
Do you think they're gonna call the police? I don't know.
Maybe they'll call Imperial Officers to take us to a holding cell on the Death Star.
Oh, I think that's below the pay grade of an Imperial Officer.
Stormtroopers are really the ones who Oh, shut up.
He's right.
Uh, Stormtroopers actually combine both the function of infantry and military police.
Uh-huh, I'm normally very nice, but you shut up, too.
So what are you in for? Honestly, I just wanted to meet Mr.
Lucas and say thank you.
You know, growing up, the movies had such an impact on my life.
I never really fit in anywhere.
Till I discovered the worlds he created and finally found a place where I belong.
But why are you here? Oh, I, uh, I hopped a fence, and they caught me in the sculpture gallery making out with a Chewbacca statue.
Excuse me.
Leonard, they have a sculpture gallery.
All right, I talked to my supervisor, and we're gonna let you go with a warning.
(sighs in relief) But if you ever come back, we will call the police and press charges.
We understand.
Thank you so much.
Uh, what about me? No, you're not going anywhere, kissy face.
Let's go.
I have to take your picture to post at the guard gate.
Uh, one question about that picture.
Can it be with George Lucas? (imitating Yoda): Ooh, grumpy you are.
Okay, this is the match that decides it all.
First to 11 wins.
Serve switches every five points.
And just so you know, when this started, I was going to put the TARDIS in a discreet corner of the house, but I've since turned mean, and now it's going right in the middle of the living room on a rotating platform with a sign that says "suck it".
Game on.
Except Raj is gonna win.
Isn't that right, Raj? Uh, yeah, I mean, her serve was pretty good.
Come on, get in her head.
Be intimidating.
Okay, uh I'm gonna own you, bitch! Whoa! Hey! That's not nice.
Let's just play.
One-zero.
WOLOWITZ: Two.
Three.
Four.
Five-nothing.
(chuckles) Wait, did you play badminton or sad-minton? Don't listen to him-- all she's got is a serve.
Now, grab a fresh tampon and put her away.
Wha? A-And that's not offensive? Where's the line? It's in your purse.
Play.
BERNADETTE: One-five.
Two-five.
Three-five.
Four-five.
Five-five! Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten-five! Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten-ten! Well, that was an exciting 40 seconds.
It was, and now the serve is back to you, and the game is over.
You know, Amy, I, uh can't help but wonder how Sheldon would react if the TARDIS was at your place.
Don't listen to her, just hit the ball.
Keep talking.
If this doesn't get him into your bedroom, nothing will.
Are you still mad at me? Yes, we missed our lecture, we were almost arrested, and you got me locked in a room with a man who forced his tongue down the throat of a stuffed Wookiee.
Boy, some people are just glass-half-empty.
The glass is empty, Sheldon.
It's completely empty.
If you gave that glass to a man who was dying of thirst, he would be dead, do you know why? Before I answer, was he a smoker? I think you're looking at this all wrong.
Fine, then tell me how I should be looking at it.
Well, not only did we go to Skywalker Ranch, we got in.
No one we know can say that.
And for all the times you find me irritating, today you got to watch someone shoot me with a Taser.
That part was pretty good.
See? You did flop around a lot.
I'll take your word for it.
I was too busy trying not to defecate.
You know, when they were escorting us to the detaining room, I looked through a door, and I'm pretty sure I saw a display case with the Ark of the Covenant.
That's amazing.
(chuckling): I know.
And I saw Jabba the Hutt riding by on a motorcycle.
Although that was right after the Tasing, so who can say for sure? I-I guess this could count as an adventure.
It was.
And even though we're not allowed back there, they can never take today away from us.
Unlike my sense of smell, which hasn't returned since the Tasing.
(sniffs) No, I got nothing.
(panting): Amy, the Daleks are right on my tail! Quick, we need to reset the time circuits.
Oh, no, I left my sonic screwdriver behind.
Really should have thought this through.