Bob's Burgers s08e19 Episode Script

1 Here she comes.
It's go time.
One, two, three.
Happy Mother's Day! - Aw.
- We made you a card.
It has a picture of you giving birth to all of us, and you're saying, "Ow-chi-wah-wah!" Ooh.
It's so graphic, but I love it.
Happy Mother's Day, Lin.
I snuck out early this morning and bought bacon and eggs and berries, and I was gonna make a special Mother's Day breakfast.
But I didn't get started yet 'cause I went to the bathroom, and it took, um, it took a long time.
Aw, that's really sweet, but I've actually got a little Mother's Day idea.
(clears throat) Today, all of you have to say yes to me, no matter what, because on this Mother's Day, I am all-powerful, I am mom-nipotent! That's hot.
I like a mom who takes control.
What if you snap and ask us to murder somebody? You'd have to do it, 'cause it's Mother's Day.
- LOUISE: Hmm.
- Okay, Your Momnipotency, uh, what do you want to do today? Well, Ginger was telling me about the open houses on Kingshead Island.
Not only do you get to walk through beautiful homes for sale, apparently, the realtors put out amazing finger food.
- Go on.
- It's all free.
We'll act rich, we'll take the tours, and we'll eat our way - around Kingshead Island.
- (sighs) I-I don't know.
And you have to say yes 'cause it's Mother's Day, and I'm mom-nipotent.
Isn't it wrong to pretend we're buying a house to eat free food that isn't for us? Don't worry, these richy riches can afford to feed us.
Oh, but before we leave, all of you have to bathe, 'cause you all look a little gross.
But I love you.
Happy Mother's Day! (seagulls chirping) So, uh, none of you wanted to dress up to do the whole rich family thing? - I changed my walk.
Look.
- Damn.
Uh, well, I'm gonna go buy a snack.
- Watch my walk.
- Oh, he looks so tired.
- Hmm.
Kind of hard to open, huh? - Lot of plastic wrap.
It's like they don't want us to get to the muffin.
- But we're gonna, aren't we? - Yeah.
Yeah, we are, eventually.
Are you going to Kingshead Island? Yeah.
I'm going to my mother's house.
- Do you live on Kingshead? - Oh, God, no.
We're poor.
We're just gonna go for the day to check out open houses.
Wait, if y-you're poor, why are you going to open houses? Oh, 'cause my wife is forcing us to go and eat the free food they give out.
- Oh, so you mean lie.
- No, we're-we're just gonna pretend to be people that are different from Yeah, lie, lie.
- We're gonna lie.
- (gasps) Hey, I did it! Ugh, I feel like I'm still 20 minutes away, but You'll get there.
LINDA: Okay, remember: we're very rich, we're here to buy a house, so when we get in there, don't go right for the food.
Just play it cool.
Oh, my God, look at that spread! - Lin, calm down.
- Look at it! - Lin.
- Okay, you're right.
I'll calm down.
I'm just gonna touch a shrimp.
Oh, they're real.
Wow, they have a downstairs that's not a restaurant.
Tina, get in character.
So, now we've seen the guest house.
Where's the main house? Oh.
(chuckles) This is the main house? (laughs): Oh, why, it's so cute.
I think we should buy it as a vacation home for my ferrets.
Oh, okay, kids, go upstairs, and, uh, you pick out your rooms.
- I call dibs on the biggest one! - Hell no! I'm the oldest! - LOUISE: Oh! - (panting) LOUISE: My room has its own bathroom! - GENE: Mine, too! - TINA: So does mine! LOUISE: Mine has a huge shower! TINA: Mine just has a sink and a toilet.
- A half bath? - You disgust me! You know what's weird? I think you might be - a little overdressed.
- Yeah, I know.
All the rich ladies are wearing yoga pants.
Well, at least I'm doing a great job acting like I'm not here for the free food.
Look how casual I am when I eat this shrimp.
(moans) Lin, you're moaning when you chew.
It's shrimp, Bob.
(moaning) - Hi.
- Oh, God.
- That's my wife.
She's - Oh, ooh, one more.
- One more.
(exhales) - She's eating shrimp.
Shrimp, shrimp, shrimp and houses Shrimp, shrimp, shrimp and houses Shrimp, shrimp, shrimp and houses Open house, open house, open houses Shrimp, shrimp, shrimp and houses Shrimp, shrimp, shrimp and houses Shrimp and houses! Ah, I'm limp from shrimp.
Well, this is it, the last house.
We're being watched.
Realtor at three o'clock.
- That guy? - No, that's nine o'clock.
- That guy? - No, that's Gene.
- 'Sup, girl? - Uh, okay.
Uh, kids, go pick out your rooms.
As you wish, Mother.
Cute kids.
Happy Mother's Day.
Aw, thank you.
I'm Julia.
This is my listing.
Chocolate covered strawberry? Okay, I might have one.
Or four.
(laughs) I love your dress.
Some of these other ladies should take a lesson from you.
I know, right? Yoga pants to an open house? - Come on.
- (laughs) They just come to snoop around and eat the free food.
- Can you believe that? - What?! Ooh, clogs! Let me guess.
Are you a chef? Do you have a restaurant? - (chuckles) I-I do.
- Which one? Uh, it's, uh, a little, out of the way bistro that serves f uh, food.
Mmm, that sounds good.
Can I say something that might seem a little out of bounds? Uh, sure.
I don't know if you belong here.
Uh, what-what do you mean? I think you're too interesting for this house.
(laughs): Yeah.
Oh, you're right, we are.
I just got a new listing.
It could be a good fit for you.
I can get you into a private showing right now.
- Oh, no, that's okay.
We got to go.
- I'm listening.
It's a Victorian mansion.
Old school Kingshead.
- Ooh.
- Lin.
- Lots of character.
- Character.
I should tell you, it does have some "old house" issues.
- Old house issues.
- Oh, my God.
Lin, uh, quick talk, please, uh, right now.
A private showing is very different from an open house, Lin.
Plus, I don't think we should waste this realtor's time.
What? She makes a ton of money doing this stuff.
Look, I'm mom-nipotent, so say yes.
- (sighs) Yes.
- All right! Let's go buy Mama a new house! Thanks for the ride.
We don't have our car.
We took the boat here.
Oh, you don't live on Kingshead? I mean, our boat.
Uh, we took our boat here, from our island Uh, we have a little island.
- It's nothing.
- Wow.
Here we are.
Okay, let me just clear some stuff out of the backseat.
(grunting) Just this oh, God! These things are a pain to get out.
(chuckles) - (shouts) - Oh, you're a mom.
Uh, happy Mother's Day.
Thanks.
Yeah, I'm only 12 weeks into being a mom, but I'm loving it.
I'm also not sleeping, my boobs hurt, - and I'm up to my neck in poop.
- Been there.
Well, hop in.
Let's go check out your new home.
So, uh, how long you been selling houses for? Well, these are my first two listings.
We got pregnant, and I decided it was time for a career change.
And if I don't go broke buying all that food for the open houses, it'll be worth it.
Oh, my goodness.
Ooh, gas station.
Do you mind, real quick? I've been running on empty.
Be right back.
Oh, my God, Lin, we-we can't go to this house.
We need to leave, now.
I'm really uncomfortable with this situation.
- And with Gene on my lap.
- You love it.
LOUISE: I've got Dad on my lap.
Oh, sorry.
There you are.
This is awful.
She's so sweet and normal and a new mom, and it's Mother's Day.
Lin, let's just tell her something came up, and we'll take a cab to the ferry.
- Yeah, yeah.
Let's do that.
- Okay, I put in three bucks.
That should get us there.
Uh, hey, Julia, so something, uh You know, I actually thought I might lose this listing 'cause I only found one couple to come look at the house.
But now that I'm bringing you, I think everything is gonna be okay.
Oh, uh, well, let's go see this house already, huh? (Tina groaning) JULIA: All right, so the owner is also here.
I called him before we left.
This was his mom's house, and he really wants to sell it to a nice family, like you guys.
Okay, let's just go in, take the tour, and leave.
Doesn't feel good lying to her, but at least we won't get caught.
Learning some strong lessons from you today, Mom.
Look, we shouldn't be doing this, and your mom has made some bad judgments today, but it-it'll be fine.
Nobody knows we're poor people who came over on the ferry.
- Oh.
Um hi.
- Oh, my God.
Um, h-hello.
Spencer, this is Bob, Linda and their kids.
Hi, Linda, kids, Bob.
Spencer, so I, uh, I feel like, uh Bob, let me stop you right there and say, it's nice to meet you, for the first time.
I-I agree.
I-It's also nice to meet you.
- For the first time, as well.
- Huh? Oh.
You guys are good at talking.
Shall we go inside? What the hell is going on? You sound weird.
You're gonna get us caught.
Lin, I-I have something to tell you.
I met Spencer on the boat.
I told him everything.
He knows what we're doing today.
- He knows we're faking.
- What?! JULIA: Linda, come inside! There's a whole house in here! Told you it had character.
I've got to show you the library.
My Mom loves to read.
- Mom, name two books.
- Shush.
- Mom, can we go pick out our rooms? - Uh You may absolutely pick out any room on the second floor.
But I'd like to ask that you do not, and I repeat, do not go up to the third floor.
Okay, that was just a little scary the way you said that.
It's just, I'm remodeling the third floor.
It isn't safe.
O-Okay, kids? You got that? No third floor.
Come, come.
Let's have a look-see.
And maybe a purchase-y.
What's going on? Why didn't you want Julia to know we met? And why aren't you kicking us out of your house? Oh, you mean because you're faking being rich, going around, looking at houses, wasting everybody's time? - Yes? - Because I realized - I could actually use your help.
- Wait, what? There's another couple coming to look at the house.
They've been sniffing at this listing for months.
And what they need is a little competition to get them to make an offer.
And Julia doesn't need to know you're lying liars.
She seems like a good person.
- Unlike you, Bob.
- Fair enough.
But we're not really able to buy a house? Just keep doing what you're doing.
- Help me unwrap this muffin.
- I never got mine unwrapped.
But-but I know what you're saying.
- I smoked you fools! - (panting) Damn it.
(panting) I am so full of crudités! TINA: Oh, mine has a swing! LOUISE: Mine has a bathtub in the middle of the room! GENE: Mine has a swing in the bathtub! I don't know if it's a sex thing or a disabled thing.
Either way, it works! OLD WOMAN: Leave! - Did you guys hear that? - I hope not.
I hope so.
OLD WOMAN (growling): Leave now! - (Gene and Tina scream) - Whoa.
It's a ghost.
This house is haunted! (slow footsteps) Wait, were those feet? Ghosts don't have feet.
I think we should go up there and check it out.
You mean up to the third floor? - It's off-limits.
- I know.
And I feel really bad about that, but we're going.
I can't believe my last meal was crudités! I can see this house is winning you over! Do you think you're getting close to making an offer? Do you want to call your bank? Is that crazy? Uh, no, it's, uh, it's not, uh, crazy.
Uh, I can call them right now.
1-800-BANK.
Uh, hi, bank, it's Linda.
Uh, yeah, it's Linda with the money.
Uh, how are interest rates? Oh, Julia, I can't do this.
I got to tell you something, sweetie.
Hi, Lin, I just want to interrupt real quick before you say any more words.
Can I talk to you in the hall? So we keep acting interested in the house, help push the other people to make an offer, Julia never finds out we're phonies, and she gets a commission on the sale and everyone's happy? Yes.
I mean, I don't know about happy, but that's the plan.
Oh, this is great.
I already had an amazing Mother's Day, and now it's time to give Julia one.
- We're heroes.
- Y Yeah, sure.
It's so murder-y up here.
LOUISE: He's definitely not remodeling.
He's hiding something, something horrible.
- Tina, you go first.
- Wait, what? Well, fine, we'll all go together, but with you in front.
- Okay, that's fair.
- Mm-hmm.
(Tina groans) (door creaks) TINA: Oh, hell no.
What is this? Maybe he's just a good dude who opened a medical lab and is doing important medical research? (all scream) Huh.
This is incredible.
The squirrels are all wearing little costumes.
"Professor Nutstein.
" This is terrifying.
I've got a "Captain Nutstein" over here.
Look at this one.
"Pope Nutstein.
" Very accomplished family, the Nutsteins.
Leave! (all scream) Leave (coughs) Lea - (coughs) Tea.
- What? (coughs) Tea.
Tea.
Fetch my tea.
- It's on the table.
(coughs) - Here you go.
Damn dust in this house.
Wait, were you saying "leave" in a really scary way on purpose or is that just how you talk? And are the squirrels part of it? There's just a lot going on.
Uh, yes, I was trying to be scary.
I was trying to get you to leave.
No, the squirrels aren't part of it.
That's just a thing I do.
Follow-up question: um, who are you? My name's Ethel.
I live here.
Where did you get all these squirrels? From the house.
It's infested with them.
You found all these dead squirrels in your house? Yes.
Let's say I found them all dead, natural causes.
So this is your house? I thought it was Spencer's house.
This is my house.
Spencer's my son.
Aren't you trying to sell it? Why are you trying to scare us away? I don't want to sell.
Spencer wants to sell.
He's trying to push me out of here.
So every time he shows my house, I try to scare away the buyers.
By pretending to be a ghost? Mm-hmm.
I've been spooking the hell out of this place.
That's badass, Ethel.
I know.
I've rigged the whole house.
I cut eye-holes in the paintings and everything.
And I've been saving buckets of squirrel blood for the right moment.
- (Tina gags) - I've lived here for over 60 years.
I got married in this house.
I raised a kid in this house.
- I learned taxidermy in this house.
- LOUISE: Yeah, you did.
Eventually Spencer moved away and my husband passed.
It was lonely at first, but this place is still my home.
That is so sad.
Yeah, we thought you guys should hear that.
You're selling your mother's house on Mother's Day? Okay, so now I know why I got this listing and why it's been on the market for so long.
Your mother has been haunting all the showings.
Haunting and/or just seeming really freaky.
Oh, okay.
So, uh, are we still showing the house? - Yes.
- No.
Yes, we are still showing.
We have been over this, Mom.
You are moving in with me.
Okay, good.
Uh, Kyle and Claire are gonna be here any minute.
You know what, Julia? When Kyle and Claire get here, I think it might be good if you tour everyone around together.
You know what I mean? Oh, okay.
Get a little competition going.
Oh! They're here.
Mom, please can I take you back upstairs? So I can haunt? - No.
- Freak it? - No! - Mm.
Okay, you can do this.
You are gonna sell a house today.
Oh, no.
Torn between two mothers on Mother's Day.
Mamma Mia.
I can't believe you're selling my house on Mother's Day.
It was the only Sunday we could do this.
I got you that card with the monkey on it that said, "I'm bananas for you.
" - Then act like you're bananas for me! -(doorbell rings) I'll get it! There's an accent I've been wanting to try out.
No, kids, go-go keep Ethel company.
Fine.
Team Ethel heading back to the third floor.
I don't know what to do.
I want to help Julia get a sale, but I don't want to be shady to an old lady.
I know.
We shouldn't have come here or done any of this.
I just wanted to eat shrimp and feel fancy on Mother's Day.
What are we gonna do? Look, I think we just have to keep up the act, try to get this other couple to buy the house, and then get out of here.
So keep up the act, screw over an old lady, and try to sleep at night? I like the way I said it better, but yeah, that's basically the plan.
Oh, we're going to hell.
Maybe there's another room we could sit in, because I'm getting a little naus (gags) - Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
- Whoa.
Oh, what's the big deal? It's like a Fruit Roll-Up.
- You just ruined Fruit Roll-Ups! - Just let me work.
This might be the last one I make before he sells this place.
Wait, so you're giving up? That's it? Is Spencer even gonna let you bring all of these to his house? I'll probably donate them to the children's hospital.
No! Don't you do that to those kids! I-I mean, cool, cool, v-very cool.
Seems sad if you've been saving all that squirrel blood for nothing.
- You feel me? - I feel you.
Kyle and Claire have been e-mailing me a lot of questions, but this is their first time up here.
You've been circling this property for a while, like hungry wolves that don't ever actually attack.
Oh, we're gonna attack.
We watch the drone video of the property, like, every night.
You know what they say, drone it till you own it.
(chuckles) BOB: Hmm, that's great, Kyle.
That's-that's great that you've seen that video.
I have a computer, too.
My wife called the bank already, so loan it till you own it.
Wait, you're not paying cash? That's gonna slow things down for you.
Oh, no, I meant I'm, uh, loaning money to the bank to then pay me.
You're loaning money to the bank? One of us is kind of embarrassing himself right now.
We rattled them.
I think it's already working.
I know.
This guy wants to fight me.
(chuckles): I love it.
Ooh, water damage.
That wasn't in the photos.
- "Water" we gonna do about that? - I love that water damage.
Don't you love it, Lin? Lin, the water damage? Oh, yeah, it's, uh, great.
It's real, uh I love it.
CLAIRE: It's a little gusty out here.
I love a little breeze.
I could come out here and, you know, fly my kite.
I have a gold kite.
Do you, Kyle? Do you have a gold kite? 'Cause I do.
We could get rid of that old swing set, right? - Bit of an eyesore.
- Yeah, it was mine as a kid.
- Poor kid.
- Aw, swing set.
I love this room.
It just needs a fresh coat of Kyle and Claire.
Or we blow out this wall, blow out that wall, and put a fresh coat of Kyle's sword collection right there.
Did you say swords? (laughs) I-I remember when I used to be into my sword collection.
I-I'm into spears now.
That's my family in squirrel form.
- I meant to hide that.
- Aw.
SPENCER: My mother's first squirrel-sterpiece.
- Her word, not mine.
- I think we've seen everything we need to see.
Linda, uh, let's make a move.
It's gonna be a big move into this house.
- Oh.
- Babe, I think we pull the trigger.
- Should we just do it? - You think we should do it? - I want to do it.
- I want to do it if you want to do it.
- Cock it? Pull it? - Cock it and pull it.
All right.
Let's buy this place.
No, stop! Nobody should buy this house! - What? - Huh? I can't do it anymore, Bob.
We're not making an offer, all right? We're not interested in the house.
We can barely afford our apartment.
Apartment? Gross.
We're only acting interested to get you to make an offer.
We were just trying to help Julia, but I think we're supposed to be helping Ethel.
Julia, I'm sorry.
Who's Ethel? Did you hire these people? Wait, are you trying to trick us into buying this house? No, no.
I just met Bob and Linda.
- Kyle high club? - Claire-atin? Un-cock it, un-pull it.
We're going home.
Please don't go.
Uh, re-re-cock it.
- Mommy, Daddy, help! - CLAIRE: What is happening? - Ghost! We saw a ghost! - The damn house is haunted! ETHEL (growling): Leave! (kids screaming) Person blood! Leave! (groaning) - Everyone was just leaving.
- Oh, good.
(sobs) This would probably be considered a very bad private showing.
Full disclosure, this is squirrel blood, not human.
Um, but each squirrel only bleeds a few ounces, so do the math.
So many squirrels! She peels them like Fruit Roll-Ups! Julia, I'm so sorry.
I'm just a mother who was looking to have a nice Mother's Day, and things got out of control.
Oh, cool, got it, thanks.
Great explanation.
(groans) My hip is killing me.
It must be the weather.
It's not the weather.
It's the stairs, Mom.
This house has too many stairs for you.
You're so old.
It's why I want her to move in with me.
Right, right.
That makes sense.
- Honey, let's go.
- I'm leaving, too.
I'll find a new job.
- Maybe I'll be a spine-o-cologist.
- What's that? (crying): Isn't that what they call spine doctors? I don't know.
I'll find out when I become one.
She's gonna be okay.
Wait, wait, don't go.
Let me say something.
Spencer, I-I thought you were being mean to your mom and you just wanted to sell the house for money, but-but really you were being sweet.
You were just worried.
I get it.
This house has, like, 600 freaking steps, and you're scared she's gonna fall and end up looking like how she looks right now, all bloody and gross.
Yes, I am.
I'm scared of a lot of things.
The house catching on fire because of the exposed wires in the basement The what? - and the lead in the pipes.
- Wait, what? - Oh, my God.
You should be worried about the squirrels, bro.
They are gonna rise up and tear that lady apart! And-and you two, you love this house and you were about to make an offer on it.
We were, but then you made things super weird and tried to trick us.
And Spencer just disclosed, like, five other things - that are total deal breakers.
- I was kidding.
(giggles) Look, we did tell a fib, and-and Spencer did say some stuff, but that stuff's all fixable, and that fib that we told got you guys to finally realize that this is the right house for you.
You're not gonna find another place like this one.
- This house is special.
- It is.
I mean, we'd have to change everything, but it is special.
So you don't collect spears? - Um, I mean, no.
- I'm gonna do it, then.
Ethel, listen to me, honey.
This place is just a house now.
Your home is with your son.
He wants you to move in with him.
He cares about you.
Hmm.
Spencer never said it to me quite that way.
He talked a lot about me falling down stairs, but I could never tell if he was pro or con.
- I've been both.
- Oh, fine.
I'll move in with you, Spencey.
Sell the damn house.
Well, I'll let you take it from here, Julia.
So, do you guys want to buy a house? - We're gonna need 50,000 off.
- And then another 50,000 off.
- No.
- You got a deal.
Oh, say yes, Spencer.
It's a good price.
They don't even know about the sinking.
- The what? - What? -Nothing.
Deal.
- Fine.
- I just sold a house! I sold a home! All right! (sighs) I'm exhausted.
I'm starving.
Who's hungry? - Anyone want a Fruit Roll-Up? - (Tina gags) - I make them myself.
- (Tina gags) - Jerky? - We got to go.
We got to go! LINDA: Mommies are the best Mommies are the best, mommies are the best Moms! - LINDA: My mom - ETHEL: His mom - Your mom - Her mom - Moms! - Moms! LINDA: If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy (vocalizing) Mommies are the best Mommies are the best, mommies are the best Moms! - LINDA: My mom - ETHEL: His mom - Your mom - Her mom LINDA: I'm mom-nipotent! - ETHEL: Happy Mother's Day - LINDA: It's my day.