Frasier s08e19 Episode Script

Hello, Roz.
I say, hello, Roz.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, don't be.
I didn't mean to disturb your reading.
- Actually, I'm doing a little research.
- Mm-hm.
Um, I have a meeting with a publisher tomorrow.
I'm thinking of writing a children's book.
- Really? - Yeah.
It's a story my mom made up for me when I was a kid.
I tell it to Alice all the time now.
I thought it'd be a kick if I could get it published.
Good for you, Roz.
You know, I've dabbled in juvenile fiction myself.
Yes, Niles and I, when we were boys, wrote a series of stories together in which we were the heroes.
Along the lines of The Hardy Boys or a Nancy Drew.
The Nancy Boys? No.
Called The Crane Boys Mysteries.
They were two plucky lads who used their keen psychological insight to solve crimes brought home by their detective father.
- How many of these did you write? - Thirty-four.
Yes, there was "The Mystery of the One-Eared Monkey," "On Your Mark, Get Set, Die," and there was one where our father was kidnapped and the only clue was a dented Ballantine can.
- "The Suspicious Six-Pack.
" - Excellent.
- Please, Niles, pull up a chair.
- All right, I will.
I can't stay long though.
Uh, latte to go, please.
I'm on my way to the spa to pick up Daphne.
Oh, that reminds me, what time should I be at the apartment tonight? Oh, well, let's see.
It's an hour's trip to the spa and there's a two-hour graduation ceremony, at the end of which they all throw their fat pants into the air.
- Say 7:00.
- Okay, great.
I'll see you there.
NILES: Yes.
- Bye.
Bye, Roz.
- Now, speaking of Daphne, ahem, - Mm-hm.
I was hoping you could spare her Friday.
I'm planning to take her on a little getaway weekend, where I think we may be taking our relationship to the next level.
Oh, my God, Niles, you're going to propose? No, not that level.
The level before that.
You're gonna ask her to move in with you? One more level before that.
- Well, you're already dating.
- No, that's two levels.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
Oh, for heaven's sake, just tell me.
Well, you know, we're going to consummate our relationship.
What? Well, uh Gosh, l It's none of my business.
I just thought you'd already reached that level.
What made you think that? Ooh, I don't know.
I guess everybody just assumed.
- Who's everybody? - Nobody.
But, Niles, you have been on overnight trips together, haven't you? Well, yes, but they were perfectly chaste.
Oh.
Daphne wanted to wait until the time was right.
And, well, we've just both been missing each other so much these last few weeks, I think the time is upon us.
- Oh, I'm happy for you, Niles.
- Thank you.
Gosh, nobody's gonna believe you two haven't slept together.
- Who's nobody? - Nobody.
- I love you, Niles.
- I love you too.
Oh, hey, I got you something.
Here.
Oh, Niles, it's lovely.
But I already have a dress like this.
I know.
That's it.
That's the dress you wore five years ago when we danced the tango.
I don't understand.
It's for this weekend.
Only this time, instead of ending in heartache, the evening can end in triumph.
That's very romantic, but I'm not sure I can fit into it.
Not yet anyway.
Oh, nonsense.
You're as svelte as you ever were.
You're sweet.
It was cute when I came out of the spa and you pretended you couldn't see me.
Who said that? Who's in my car? [DAPHNE LAUGHING.]
Well, you've worked so hard and you stuck with it.
I want you to know how proud I am.
Actually, I'm proud of myself.
The staff therapist even complimented me on my willpower.
Oh, so you did see a therapist? Yeah, it's all part of the programme to help you figure out the cause of your overeating.
Mm-hm.
Well, if you ask me, it's a classic case of sublimation, using food as a substitute for sex.
I recommend you see a certain doctor I know very well, he can help you.
Yeah.
That's not what Gloria thinks.
- Heh.
Gloria? - The therapist.
Oh.
My patients call me Dr.
Crane, but, uh, whatever.
So, uh, what does Gloria think? She thinks I may have gained the weight as a way to create distance between us.
Oh.
Hmm And, uh, why would you wanna do that? Well, when you and I first came together, we decided to wait and get to know each other before bringing the relationship into the bedroom.
Then as time went on, you told me all these stories about how you'd pined for me for seven years, how I'd been your unobtainable dream.
How could anybody live up to that? See, Gloria thinks I was terrified of letting you down, of not being perfect, so I ate.
And I ate.
And apparently ate.
[DAPHNE LAUGHING.]
Daphne, you couldn't possibly let me down.
And as for the weight, it didn't matter.
I never noticed.
That's another thing.
I gained 60 pounds.
Don't you think it's strange you couldn't see it? No, it's not strange.
I love you.
And I love you too.
You know what Gloria says? No.
She says you couldn't see the extra weight because you're only seeing the perfect me you've carried around in your head for seven years.
She calls it "looking through love goggles.
" Alrighty, let's get her on the phone, shall we? Niles, don't.
I'm not trying to upset you.
I'm just telling you what we discussed in therapy.
I understand, I understand.
And I know how much you've looked forward to this weekend, but until I sort this out, I may need a little more time before I'm Absolutely.
Say no more.
We can easily postpone the weekend.
Of course, if my theory is correct and you are eating as a substitute for sex, then you're taking a terrible risk.
[NILES IMITATES EXPLOSION AND DAPHNE LAUGHS.]
I know, huh? I love you, Niles.
I love you too.
[FOOTSTEPS.]
MARTIN: Roz, you know, if you really wanna do a kid's book, you ought to write one about Eddie.
- I'd buy one about Eddie.
- Thanks, but I already have an idea.
Besides, if I was gonna use a dog, I'd probably use my own.
Well, you wanna make your dog happy or you wanna sell books? Now, I was thinking, Eddie joins the circus.
And he has all this clown makeup on and everything, you know.
And he juggles and stuff.
And then you could do one where he invents this flying machine and has all these wacky adventures.
That's kind of cute.
He could join a flock of geese or he could become the world's first dog traffic reporter.
Eddie would never do that.
You really don't get Eddie, do you? [DOOR OPENS.]
- Hey, look who's home.
MARTIN: Hey.
- Is this all for me? - Oh, Daphne.
God, we missed you.
- You look great, Daphne.
- Thank you, Roz.
MARTIN: Great? You look fantastic.
I don't know what they did to you there, but what a difference.
Yes, I was getting pretty big, wasn't I? Big? You were ginormous.
FRASIER: Dad.
- I'm telling her how good she looks.
- Yes, yes.
- Come here, old man.
- You really do look lovely, Daphne.
Oh, thank you, Dr.
Crane.
But I still have to be careful what I eat.
Yes, of course.
And to that end, I have a little surprise for you in the refrigerator.
You didn't have to do that.
It's not some of those low-cal dinners, is it? FRASIER: Just go look.
[LAUGHS.]
[SQUEALING.]
That's hysterical.
It's called the Refrigerator Pig.
It's a little plastic pig.
He's got a recording in his belly.
Every time you open the refrigerator door, you'll hear his scolding squeal.
So, Daphne, tell us about the spa.
Well, it was lots of hard work.
We had hikes every morning and sessions with a personal trainer.
And a wonderful therapist.
You're gonna love this.
Yes, there was a professional therapist on staff.
Mm-hm.
Named Gloria.
Who helped me dig down to the root of my problems.
Yes, Gloria's very handy with a shovel.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, she must have been very good.
I mean, obviously, look at you.
Well, Gloria's very empathetic because she had a similar weight problem.
Only she didn't have anyone to help deal with it.
She had to battle it alone for years.
She didn't have a boyfriend she could blame? Is there something you want to say to me? No.
Well, I've got something to say.
I would like to propose a toast.
I was very lucky to have someone like Gloria.
Yes.
You usually have to go all the way to a hair salon for that kind of insight.
NILES: Here, I'll take that.
FRASIER: Yes, uh Well, uh, Daphne, the important thing is that you're feeling better and that you're back home where you belong.
MARTIN: Right.
- I better make mine water.
Champagne is pure sugar, you know.
Niles, what the hell is wrong with you? Oh, Frasier, you would not believe the hack psychobabble this woman has filled Daphne's head with.
Well, even if that's true, that's no reason to act like an ass.
Now, you just shape up and treat Daphne with respect.
[SQUEALING.]
DAPHNE: Ooh Apparently that pig of yours can dish it out, but he can't take it.
- So how about that toast? - Oh, good idea.
FRASIER: Right, uh To Daphne.
Your warmth and spirit have helped make this place a home.
Your influence can be seen in a thousand different ways.
Unless, of course, one's wearing his love goggles.
That's it.
Niles, I think you should go.
- What? - I want you to leave right now.
Nice call on the Refrigerator Pig.
So you don't think I have a germ phobia? Not at all.
Just a healthy sense of personal hygiene.
Ah.
Here is the number of the man who cleans my telephones.
There you go.
The best in Seattle.
Now, you take care.
No, don't touch, don't touch.
There you go.
Frasier.
Uh, what are you doing here? Oh, I just wanted to see how you were doing after last night.
Daphne caught me up on what's been going on.
Oh, wonderful.
So she's talking to every therapist under the sun but me.
She said she tried to talk to you.
No, she tried to blame me.
According to her puppet master, Gloria, Daphne overate because she was afraid she couldn't live up to my image of her.
- Well, there may be something to that.
- Oh She does have seven years of fantasy to live up to.
What fantasy? I have a very realistic picture of Daphne.
I love her for who she is.
I have since the very beginning.
All right, when exactly was the very beginning for the two of you anyway? Well, don't you remember? You introduced us.
Daphne, this is my brother, Niles.
- You're Daphne? - Why, yes, I am.
Well, when Frasier told me he'd hired an Englishwoman, I pictured someone a little more Not quite so You're Daphne? - Right again.
It's nice to meet you.
- Look at you, Niles.
The woman's a stranger to you and yet you're ready to hand her your heart.
Well, I may have been a tad smitten.
What's your point? My point is Niles, pay attention.
My point is, your so-called realistic picture of Daphne has been clouded from the start by your intense attraction to her.
All right.
Perhaps at the beginning I was blinded by infatuation.
But over the years, I've learned everything about her.
And my love has only deepened.
I've learned that she's caring and compassionate.
Uh And she can be moody sometimes.
She likes jelly on her pancakes instead of syrup.
Uh Her laugh, it's like music.
Oh, and that girl can dance.
You're beautiful.
You're a goddess.
Oh, I don't ever want this moment to end.
Then let's not let it.
NILES: This is one of my favourite memories.
See, that's the dress I wanted her to wear this weekend.
Isn't she spectacular? FRASIER: Indeed she is.
She's perfect.
Oh, wait, look at this.
Watch.
[CROWD GASPING.]
I come here often.
I suspect a part of you has never left.
Can you blame me? Look at us.
We're magnificent together.
We're moving in perfect sync.
There's that word perfect again.
I know what you're thinking.
Just because this evening was perfect doesn't mean I'm idealising Daphne.
Did you hear yourself out there? You called her a goddess.
You can't build a higher pedestal than that.
Who could possibly compete with that sort of image? That's not fair.
I'm well aware that's just one side of her.
I'm also acquainted with her ordinary, domestic, everyday side.
[HUMMING.]
Heart and soul I fell in love with you Heart and soul The way a fool would do - Oh, please.
- What? Even your everyday memories are idealised.
How long until the cartoon bluebird lands on her shoulder? All right, so maybe my memories of Daphne are perfect.
Did it ever occur to you that perhaps Daphne just is perfect? BOTH: Because you held me tight I held you tight.
It serves you right I stole a kiss in the night FRASIER: That's it.
I'm going home.
NILES: Wait, wait, wait.
How come? Nothing else to say.
Niles, I love you.
And I love Daphne.
I just hope the two of you can work this thing out together.
No, wait, wait, wait.
Don't go, don't go.
Help me understand.
Why is everyone acting like I've done something wrong? The only thing I am guilty of is loving Daphne, and that's all I've ever done.
Yes, yes.
And how did you love her? From afar.
You were never in love with her.
You were in love at her.
Now you've been given a chance to experience her in a real relationship, and yet for some reason you're resisting it.
Rather than see her as she really is, you keep holding on to the fantasy.
No, that's not true.
Niles, the woman gained 60 pounds.
And everybody in the world saw it but you.
All you ever saw was a perfect woman in a red dress.
Ahem.
Okay.
If you're right, and that's a big if, why would I do that? Maybe Daphne's not the only one who's afraid she won't measure up.
Maybe you're afraid too.
After all, if it turns out that she's not perfect, then there's a chance things won't work out.
Then not only will you lose Daphne, but you'll have wasted the last seven years of your life chasing an illusion.
Oh, Roz, what a pleasant surprise.
Break out the champagne.
I just sold my children's book.
- Hey, that's great.
- Oh, well, congratulations, Roz.
Thanks.
This young editor was like 23 years old.
His name was Scott.
And I figured he'd just be into action figures and video games, and there I was with this simple little story, but he loved it.
FRASIER: Great.
Congratulations.
I've been saving a special bottle for just such an occasion.
While you're in there, get me my very special can.
I've gotta call my mother.
She is gonna get such a kick out of this.
Mom? Hey, do you remember that story that you used to tell me when I was a kid? You know, about the little girl and her grandfather? Yes, well, I just got it published.
[CHUCKLING.]
What? Well, you never told me that.
Okay, fine.
Just forget I called.
[CORK POPS.]
- Well, you can put that away.
- What happened? Apparently I just sold my publisher Heidi.
I better get over there and let him know before he [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Hello.
Oh, hey, Scott.
I know, I just heard.
Weird, huh? - Tell him about Eddie.
- Shh.
I am so sorry.
It was a movie too? NILES: Oh.
Hi.
ROZ: Hey.
Hey, Frasier.
Hi, Dad.
Ahem.
- Hi, Niles.
- Hi, Niles.
- Hello, Daphne.
- Hello.
Dad, what do you say we head out for dinner over at the steakhouse? - The steakhouse? Really? - What the hell.
The blood's just been flying through my arteries lately.
MARTIN: Give me a minute.
FRASIER: Right.
Daphne, I want to apologise for the other night.
I was rude and disrespectful, and I'm sorry I hurt you.
[SIGHS.]
Apology accepted.
- Oh, come here.
- Thank you.
You know, I was just about to make myself some dinner.
- Would you like to join me? - I would love that.
Okay.
Actually, wait, Daphne.
I'm gonna pass on dinner.
- Oh, it's no trouble.
- No, I know.
It's just that I don't really care for your cooking.
What? Well, you're not the best cook in the world.
In fact, you're not very good at cooking at all.
Bad, bad cook.
- What the hell is he doing? - Uh Well, we're off.
God bless you, son.
You okay? How could I be after that horrible thing you just said to me? Oh, I'm sorry, darling.
I just wanna show you that I see you the way you really are.
And who I am is a bad cook, is that what you're saying? No, no, no, that's not fair.
I thought this was what you wanted.
Well, it still hurts.
I have feelings, you know.
I thought you loved my cooking.
Well, you certainly could've handled this better.
Well Then I don't know what you want.
I can't read minds, you know.
And by the way, neither can you.
Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic? Not if you thought I loved your cooking.
Well, I'm sorry it's not that hoity-toity crap you eat.
What does that mean? You think I'm pretentious? Ho.
You'd eat a worm if I gave it a French name.
Well, fine.
If that's the way you feel, maybe I'll just have dinner by myself.
Well, good.
It'll spare you the hell that's my cooking.
I am so sorry.
I love you so much.
I didn't mean any of those things.
Oh, yes you did.
And I did too.
You're a pretentious snob with your wine and your opera.
Well, you never give opera a chance! You're too judgemental.
And you're a clean freak.
Well I hate your unicorn collection.
And I hate that your closet is bigger than mine.
Well you're too tall.
- You're too short.
- Well [BOTH MOANING.]
Oh, Daphne.
Oh, Niles.
Ah.
There you are, Niles.
May I have a latte, please? So how are things with you and Daphne, hmm? Oh.
Thank you.
Niles, is everything okay? Ah.
You know the best part, Frasier? It wasn't at all like I imagined it.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]