King of the Hill s08e19 Episode Script

And after he bagged her, he bagged Marilyn Monroe.
Okay, that's Kennedy number five.
Anyone have something different? Oh, good.
Go ahead, Bobby.
I have chosen the smartest and most photogenic of all the presidents Mr.
Martin Sheen.
President Sheen is a Nobel Prize winner in economics, yet he loves poetry.
And despite round- the-clock meetings, death threats and MS, he still finds time for playful banter with his senior staff.
Bobby, your assignment was to research an actual president.
Martin Sheen is an actor.
Oh, yeah? Tell that to the 50 million people he helped with his poverty bill.
MAN (on TV): Hey, Steve-O, I'm going to drive this golf cart with my butt.
(laughs) Hey, my hummingbird feeder just got its first customer.
Bobby, come take a look.
Bobby? Huh? Oh, I've seen them.
Animal Planet did hummingbirds in their "Wings of Fury" week.
But you don't even have to stand up.
Just cock your head a little bit.
Bobby? Yeah, Johnny, I'm going to drive it into a wall.
What? Ah, never mind.
Bobby, what are you doing watching TV? You have an oral report to redo.
Your son thought Martin Sheen was a president.
BOBBY: No, I didn't.
But his character's based on the real President Bartlett, right? No.
See, this is exactly what happens when you watch too much television.
Bobby, turn that off.
I'm freaking driving this over (mutes sound) All the way off.
(sighs) You can't keep coming home after school and plopping down in front of the TV.
Mm-hmm.
He's right.
It is not good for you or the couch.
Starting tomorrow, you're getting yourself an extracurricular activity, something to keep you busy before your mother and I come home from work.
But, Dad No "buts.
" Now go start that report.
But which president should I (sighs) Ronald Reagan.
CONNIE: Hey, Bobby.
What are you doing? Nothing.
I'm supposed to be in chess club, but they kicked me out.
If they don't want you to double jump, they shouldn't play it on a checkers board.
Sorry I can't stay and listen to you vent, but our Quiz Bowl team keeps losing, and now Coach Grandy is making us do mind sprints after school.
How could you ever lose? You're the smartest person I know.
It's those stupid pop culture questions.
How are we supposed to know what Out of Sight actor got his start on The Facts of George Clooney.
Everybody knows that.
BOY: Osmosis, mitosis, meiosis.
Osmosis, mitosis, meiosis.
No, base ten! Base ten! Idiot! Hello, Connie.
Uh, I'm sorry, Bobby.
When you want change for the vending machine you're going to have to start going to someone else.
No, Bobby wants to join the team.
Why would we want Booby Hill? So the other teams feel sorry for us? They already feel sorry for us because you can't remember the atomic weight of lithium.
Bobby's going to be our secret weapon.
He's not a math guy, is he? Because I'm the math guy, right? Right? No, Bobby's a pop culture expert.
Oh, really? Ernie, ask him that one you didn't know.
You didn't know it either.
"What actor gave Peter Parker a new face in 2002?" Tobey Maguire.
Is he right? He's right.
Bravo, Bobby.
Welcome to the team.
Dawn, American Lit.
Just so you know, you should bring your own pen.
We have a thing about pens.
You guys hear that? That's the sweet sound of Bobby not watching TV.
I made him join an after-school activity.
How do you know he's not watching TV at someone else's house? Or hiding in the bushes with one of those mini-TVs? They keep making TVs smaller and smaller, and bigger and bigger.
Soon the medium TV is going to be a thing of the past.
BOBBY: Hey, Dad, guess what? I joined the academic team! Academic team? Is that a fancy way of saying you need to go to study hall? No, I'm the pop culture guy.
The what? Come on.
Test me.
Give me a name.
Michael Douglas.
No, Michael Keaton! Mr.
Mom, Gung-Ho, Beetle juice with Winona Ryder, Batman, Batman Returns, and the place it all started Mr.
Rogers' Neighborhood.
Impressive.
I love Mr.
Rogers.
Wow, Hank.
How's it feel to be the father of a genius? Bobby's a good kid, but he's no genius.
We have the report cards to prove it.
And since when is popular culture considered "academic"? It's serious business, Hank.
You can't be a respected university these days without offering a major in commercial jingles or the films of M.
Night Shalamalaman.
Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout dem dang ol' Oberlin, man, you gotta ol' Phi Beta Kappa on dem Muppets, yo.
Well, that's asinine.
What kind of job can you get with a degree in pop culture? You can be a professor.
Of pop culture.
Wow, Bobby the Professor.
Hey, Connie, this is so cool! Where should I sit? I didn't know everybody got a buzzer.
Quiz Bowl is so cool! I can't talk now, Bobby.
I'm having trouble with my German composers.
Pachelbel! Hey, Jeremy, you ready to kick some Denton brain? Can't you see I'm trying to remember the Quadratic Formula? I mean equation.
Oh, crap, which is it?! Sorry.
Now, this is Bobby's first match, so which is more appropriate air horn or thunder sticks? Because I have both.
What? Bobby on team? Quiz Bowl for top of food chain, not C-student plankton.
(laughs) Welcome, wilkommen, bienvenue.
Today's match features Denton versus Tom Landry.
Please test your buzzers.
(buzzing) (buzzes) Category: Chemistry.
Question: Negative 273 degrees Kelvin is also known as what? (buzzing) Wassanasong, Tom Landry.
Absolute zero.
Correct.
Category: Television.
Who of the following is not a Starfleet captain Picard, Janeway or Data.
(buzzing) Data! Correct.
But a warning, please wait to be recognized by the Quizmaster.
(buzzing) Hill, Tom Landry.
Alvin, Simon and Theodore! Correct.
And time expires.
Winner: Tom Landry.
(cheering) Super.
Just super.
With proper training, Bobby could lead the team to the championship.
They could be #1.
Just think, if I hadn't sat him in front of the TV to keep him from crying, we would not be here today.
Yep.
Four parts water, one part sugar.
Got any leftovers? Hey, Dad, we won! You should've seen it.
We came out strong math, spelling, geography.
Then we hit the wall two art histories and a physics.
Oh, no.
How did you ever recover, Professor? The lightning round.
It was TV theme songs.
I cleaned house.
(cheering) (sighs) You know, I wanted Bobby to become the kind of kid who did stuff after school, but the stuff after school is just becoming more like Bobby.
You must be very proud.
You were on fire yesterday, Bobby! I can't believe you made that kid cry.
I'd cry, too, if I didn't know what movies Denzel got his Oscars for.
Glory, Training Day.
GRANDY: Okay, people, cheeks in the chairs.
We did great yesterday, but we still made too many mistakes.
I'm not going to point fingers, but people who should have a finger pointed at them know who they are.
Chane, books on Copernicus.
Dawn, the complete works of Faulkner.
Connie, memorize the Goldberg Variations.
And Bobby, here is People, Us and Entertainment Weekly.
Is this great or what? Hey, did you guys know that ALL: Shh! You better start reading or watching or whatever you do, because we're counting on you.
Counting on me? Nobody's ever counted on me before.
I won't let you down.
ALL: Shh! (popping noises) PEGGY: Bobby, breakfast.
I am blanketing the pigs.
I can't right now.
TRL is pop-up! (three rapid pops) Oh, dang it.
I can't believe you're serving him breakfast in bed.
Breakfast was the only motivation he had to leave his room.
Hank, we are the parents of a gifted child now.
It is our responsibility to nurture him.
But the whole point was to get him out of the house.
If you were Einstein's father, we would not have the Bomb.
BOBBY: Call our cable operator! There's a new MTV channel.
CONNIE: I'm so glad you're on the team now, Bobby.
I really like winning.
GRANDY: Here he is now, the brightest of all my shining stars.
I was just telling Principal Moss about our team's winning streak.
To tell you the truth, I thought we cut Quiz Bowl last year.
Guess we got rid of something else.
Well, the budget likes a winner, so keep it up.
Oh, man.
Look, we all know drama and band are hanging by a thread.
Quiz Bowl is all I have.
Bobby, I'm counting on you to lead us to victory.
I'm trying.
Remember, there's trying and there's trying harder.
Try harder, Bobby.
See you in class.
I know this one.
I know I know it.
Sine? No, cosine.
(kids groaning) Dang it! Dang it! Quiet down! Next question: "This actor picked Cameron Diaz over Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding.
Come on, Coach.
Give me a hard one.
Dylan McDermott.
No.
Dermot Mulroney.
Oh yeah, I always get those guys mixed up.
Someone needs a name change, am I right? (chuckling) Let's take a break.
Who has the Tums? Hey, what's your problem? I'm trying! I just goofed! Look, "Booby," I have a plan: The Chane Train starts with Quiz Bowl and ends at a Stanford frat with all the ladies I can handle.
You're not gonna blow it for me.
You can't make mistakes, Bobby.
You just can't! (sighs) Bobby gets so dang many magazines.
Couldn't at least one of them have a picture of a car or a fish on it? Does sweeps start this week or next? I don't know what that means.
Man! Quiz Bowl is getting tough.
Yeah, it's real hard sitting around watching TV.
I know! They broke up? I haven't even read the one where they got together! (rapid fluttering) KAHN: Bobby Hill! Come on down! How much you pay for fabulous mini-fridge stocked with Red Bull and Mountain Dew? Nothing! Free for you! But why? Because you're the key to getting Chane into the school of his choice: Stanford.
Connie choose Harvard.
And you pave the way.
With new fridge, you never have to leave your room.
Everything on your shoulders! (buzzer sounds) McMaynerbury.
Ursa Minor.
EMCEE: Correct.
McMaynerbury ties the game.
(bell dings) And time expires.
How delightful.
We have a tie-breaker.
The winner will face Durndle in the district finals.
(audience murmuring) Category: The Grammys.
"Question: Who is Dana Owens better known as?" (buzzer sounds) Hill.
Tom Landry.
Five seconds.
(clears throat) Queen Latifah? Correct.
Winner: Tom Landry.
(cheering, laughing) When I directed this scene, the sky wasn't sad enough.
Read about how we fixed it in post in the companion book.
Oh! Companion book! HANK: Your mother and I are headed to the Mega Lo Mart.
It's the last day of Super Savings.
Wait! I'm coming with you! I got to get this one book, and Sim City 4, and I think J.
Lo's new CD drops today.
Grab my shoes! I'll be in the car! Meet us by the wood glue in 20 minutes! I never noticed these before.
I guess they're trying to make shopping fun.
It's working! I'm Kelly Clarkson.
I won American Idol and my debut album went to number one.
One song on the album, I wrote with Christina Aguilera.
She was in the Mickey Mouse Club with Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake.
Justin is a member of N'Sync.
They sing on the soundtrack for The Grinch, starring Jim Carrey.
Jim Carrey was in a movie with Renee Zellweger, who's worked with Catherine Zeta-Jones, who's acted with John Cusack, who has a house in Malibu near Pamela Anderson, who dated Scott Baio, who was on Happy Days with Ron Howard, who directed Apollo 13, starring Tom Hanks, who's married to Rita Wilson, who was in (voice accelerates into indistinct chittering) BOBBY: Oh What happened? Bobby! Are you okay? Follow the tip of my nose with your eyes.
Peggy, give him some air.
Now, Bobby, you just fainted.
How do you feel? I don't know.
It was weird.
It was like my heart was on fast-forward, but my brain was on pause, then, nothing.
Well, he was running pretty fast, and it's a quarter-mile to Electronics.
His body isn't used to that level of activity.
Actually, Mr.
Hill, it sounds to me like your son had a panic attack.
A panic attack?! Uh, maybe we should take him to a doctor.
Sir, Mega Lo Mart trains us to take care of all medical situations.
(echoing over P.
A.
): Attention, shoppers.
If there is a doctor in the store, please report to the Mega Lo clinic.
Mr.
And Mrs.
Hill, it looks like Bobby had a panic attack.
Mm-hmm.
Doctor, he's in middle school.
What does he have to panic about? Well, if I had to choose between performing heart surgery or going to the seventh-grade dance right now, (chuckling): Well, scalpel, please.
So the boy's too tense? Well, what do you recommend? Icy Hot? The Ben Gay? No, you can't just put ointment on this, Mr.
Hill.
Teen stress is a very serious problem that can lead to ulcers and many other health concerns.
(gasps) Well, what should I do? Should I give him a hug? Or does he need space? Well, there's a book I can recommend Oh, thank God.
There's a book.
Well, I just checked on Bobby.
He stopped muttering to himself.
You find anything in there? It says here that what Bobby needs is a lifestyle change.
Their words, my emphasis.
Now, first, we have to create a stress-free environment, or "a safe zone.
" If you need me to build something, I've still got those old tree house designs.
Mm, no.
It involves things like scented candles, hot teas, positive affirmation Hank! Go make Bobby feel good about himself.
Compliment him.
Okay.
Uh for what? Whatever! Tell him he has good hair.
What? He does! So, uh your TV watching got you under the weather, did it? Oh, yeah, I guess so.
Wait a second.
What time is it? Did you hear the weekly Top 40? What was number one? Did anything have a bullet? Don't worry about that now, Bobby, just get some rest.
But the countdown Nielsen ratings super-size it.
Uh, your mother likes your hair.
Hair, directed by Milos Forman! Oh, it's so dark with this thing on.
What are you doing? Shh.
It's okay, Bobby.
Everything is very safe.
We're going to take Ow! Oh, okay I just burned myself.
But you are very, very safe.
I got to get some ice here.
(sighs deeply) Okay, Bobby, we're going to take your mind on a journey.
You're lying on the beach on a warm sunny day.
Your legs feel like spaghetti.
What kind of spaghetti? Fettuccine? Angel Hair? Calm down, Bobby.
How about some, uh tea? So how's the professor doing? He's really got himself worked up, I tell you what.
I just don't understand where it's coming from.
Well, it's tough being a kid these days, Hank.
All we had to worry about was Vietnam, Charles Manson, swine flu.
Is it that bad now? Heck, a hundred years ago, kids were working in pork factories and coal mines.
You can't tell me that wasn't stressful.
Hank's right.
Back when Disneyland first started, it was completely powered by orphan children running on treadmills in underground tunnels.
And today, those kids are the New York Yankees.
(sighing): Well, I better go flip over his "calming sounds" tape.
Who wants to thumb wrestle? (gentle rainfall on tape) All this rain is making me think of drowning.
Oh! This is pointless.
It's going to be okay, son.
We'll get you through this.
But I'm never going to relax.
I keep thinking about movies and music and Quiz Bowl and if I screw up, nobody goes to college and Chane never gets his trust fund.
I need to quit! Whew! I feel better already.
I quit.
I quit.
I quit! This is a miracle! Nobody ever has to count on me again.
Hey! My stomach just unknotted! Bobby, I don't think you should quit.
What?! But you said this pop culture stuff was stupid.
Well, it is, but you made a commitment to your team, and you should honor it.
But the stress, Dad! What about the stress? Well, you might not believe this, Bobby, but I get stressed all the time.
You?! Yep.
But I don't give up.
I face my problems.
Stress isn't bad, Bobby.
Heck, if we weren't stressed about the Nazis taking over Europe, we wouldn't have fought World War II.
What's bad is letting stress make your life miserable.
The big match is tomorrow.
I don't know if I can get into game shape by then.
You can handle this, Bobby.
And I'll help you.
JED: Well, hey, there, Mr.
Drysdale.
I love The Beverly Hillbillies.
I talked Jethro into staying to work for you.
Show him your cipherin', boy! JETHRO: Naught times naught is naught.
Naught times one is naught.
Naught times two is naught.
JED: Whoo-doggy! That's what you get from a sixth-grade education! (both laughing) You know, the guy who played Jed Clampett also played Barnaby Jones, the milk-drinking elderly private eye.
Wow! Cool! And Jethro's dad, Max Baer Sr.
, was a heavyweight boxing champ.
He fought Joe Louis.
Hey, Dad, why is Jethro dressed so funny? He's trying to be a double-naught spy.
(chuckles) Look, he's putting on his lead spy hat.
(laughing) JED: Whoo-doggy! BOBBY (laughing): Oh, Dad! (Hank laughs) Let's take a break.
Who has the Tums?