Seinfeld s08e19 Episode Script

You're on a desert island.
You can bring five books.
Which five do you take? I gotta read five books? All right, one.
Come on.
I got it.
Three Musketeers.
- You've read that? - No, I'm saving it for the island.
All right, let's start this whole thing over.
Best Chamberlain: Wilt, Richard, or Neville? For the desert island? - Okay.
- Richard.
You know, he was in The Three Musketeers.
Exactly.
Save me having to read the book.
What's going on over there? I don't know.
I gotta see somebody.
So, Marcy, you should have seen me in the hot tub today.
- Why? - I was naked.
- Oh, George.
- I saw it.
- How'd he look? - Okay.
I wouldn't see it again.
A friend of mine thought she got Legionnaires' disease in a hot tub.
Really, what happened? Yada, yada, yada.
Just some bad egg salad.
I'll be right back.
- Nice girl.
- Lovely.
I notice she's big on the phrase, "Yada, yada.
" - Is "yada yada" bad? - No, "yada yada"'s good.
- She's very succinct.
- She is succinct.
Yeah, it's like you're dating USA Today.
- Hey.
- Hey, Tim.
- George, you know Tim Whatley.
- Yeah, dentist to the stars.
- What's up? - I'll tell you what's up.
I'm a Jew.
- Excuse me? - I'm a Jew.
I finished converting two days ago.
Oh, well, welcome aboard.
- Thanks.
So I'll see you tomorrow? - Yeah, I have a cavity, lower left.
- Were you just at the health club? - Oh, yeah.
- We must have just missed you.
- I didn't do much.
I just sat in the sauna.
You know, it was more like a Jewish workout.
I'll see you.
Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days.
He's already making Jewish jokes.
So what? When someone turns 21, they usually get drunk the first night.
Booze is not a religion.
Tell that to my father.
Anyway, guess what.
Beth Lookner called me.
Beth Lookner.
I'm still waiting out that marriage.
What are you talking about? That marriage ended six months ago.
She's already remarried.
Where was I? It was when you were engaged.
Oh, I gotta get on that Internet.
I'm late on everything.
Anyway, so Beth and her new husband, Arnie have listed me as a reference for an adoption agency.
They're trying to get a baby.
Oh, God, a baby.
That can add two years to a marriage.
Hey.
Elaine, all right.
Who looks better in this shirt, me or Mickey? We're double-dating tonight.
If we wear the same shirt, we'll look like idiots.
Turn around.
Well, you're both so striking.
Yeah, tell me about it.
We just picked up two women at The Gap.
How did you decide which one of you would date which girl? So I'm on Third Avenue, minding my own business and yada, yada, yada.
I get a free massage and a facial.
What a succinct story.
So I'm surprised you drive a Cadillac.
Oh, it's not mine.
It's my mother's.
Are you close with your parents? Well, they gave birth to me and yada, yada.
Yada what? Yada, yada, yada.
It's a nice place.
Really nice.
- I like your shirt.
- Oh, thank you.
It's a hundred percent cotton.
And some wool.
Well, you two seem to have the same taste.
- Well, I like it too.
- Oh, well, I have the same shirt.
Yeah, well, I'm wearing it.
Well, I like your shirt too.
Well, so do I.
Did I mention I'm a serious actor? - Really? - I enjoy polo.
I like the beach.
My aunt has been ill of late.
I own a tuxedo.
Anything to drink? Some wine perhaps? - I like merlot.
- I love merlot.
- I'm crazy about merlot.
- I live for merlot.
We're out of merlot.
We'll clear out for your interview.
- Okay.
- Make us sound good.
- Oh, come on.
- Bye.
- Bye, Beth.
Bye, Arnie.
- Bye.
Nice people.
So you know Beth and Arnie pretty well? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Do you socialize with them often? Yeah, yeah, we go out to dinner a lot usually Chinese.
Well, sometimes Thai.
And we go to the movies.
Arnie's a real film buff.
Actually, I remember this one time.
This is funny.
We went to see the movie Striptease.
I don't know if you've seen it.
It doesn't matter.
Anyway.
And it was during the opening credits it was before the movie even started.
And I was whispering something to Beth and Arnie leans over to me and he goes, "Would you shut up?" I mean, he barely even knew me.
Where did he get off? But they're great people.
You're in here.
- What are you doing here? - I knew you had an appointment.
Well, this is very awkward.
I'll leave when the guy comes in.
Hey, I gotta tell you.
I am loving this yada yada thing.
You know, I can gloss over my whole life story.
- Look at that.
- Hey, don't play with that.
That's going in my mouth.
- What is this thing? - All right.
That's enough.
- Just get going.
Get out of here.
- All right.
- Hey, Tim.
Quick question.
- Hey.
Is it normal for your teeth to make noises like a hissing or a chirping? George.
Fine, I'll make an appointment.
All right.
It is cavity time.
Here we go.
Reminds me, you hear the one about the rabbi and the farmer's daughter, huh? "Those aren't matzo balls.
" - What? - Tim, do you think you should be making jokes like that? Why not? I'm Jewish.
Remember? - I know, but - Jerry, it's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3000 years.
- Five thousand.
- Five thousand, even better.
Okay.
Chrissy give me a shtickl of fluoride.
And then he asked the assistant for a shtickl of fluoride.
Why are you so concerned about this? I'll tell you why.
Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
- Hello.
- Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times? Yes.
- Well, I don't believe that.
- Lf you'd got in the back seat we could've figured this out.
Well, why were you holding the door open for? Not for you.
Who holds a door open for a man? Well, I thought it was a nice gesture, but I guess I was wrong.
Let's just put their names in a hat.
I don't even know their names.
Look, why don't you take the one on the left? - I'm not sure she's my type.
- Oh, everybody's your type.
What the hell does that mean? - You've been married three times.
- That's it.
It's go time.
- All right.
Take it easy.
Easy, easy.
- Hey, hey, hey! No, come on, let him go.
You wanna throw? Let's throw! Hey, hey! Hold on a second.
All right, look.
I got an idea.
Why don't you just show up early for your next date sit across from each other and see who the girls sit next to.
- That's not bad.
- All right.
So we let the girls decide.
Yeah, why should we knock ourselves out? - I wanna wear that shirt next time.
- No one wears the shirt next time.
- Right, because they already saw it.
- We'll look like idiots.
Well, we We were engaged to be married.
We bought the wedding invitations and yada, yada, yada.
I'm still single.
So, what's she doing now? Yada.
- I get it.
- I love talking to you.
Me too.
So speaking of exes my old boyfriend came over late last night and yada, yada, yada.
Anyway, I'm really tired today.
Beth, Arnie, hi.
What's up? Well, our adoption application was denied.
- Really? - The adoption agent seems to feel that Arnie has a violent temper.
So we're just asking our friends what they may have said to the adoption agent.
Well, I You know, I just told them what kind people you are and how Arnie's a big movie buff and yada, yada, yada.
That is it.
How you doing? I have some discomfort in my molar.
You like Tootsie Rolls, don't you? Father Curtis, why don't you come in? Father Curtis, good guy.
Oh, which reminds me.
Did you hear the one about the pope and Raquel Welch on the lifeboat? I'll tell you later.
Whatley.
What are they doing here? Told you we should've gotten here early.
All right.
Okay, now what are we going to do? All right.
Don't panic.
Let's just decide now.
Which one do you want? - I'll take Julie.
- I knew you wanted her.
- That's who I wanted.
- All right.
I'll take Karen.
No, you think I'm falling for that? I'll take Karen.
Fine.
I'll take Julie.
All right.
Which one is Julie? I don't know.
- Why don't we just grab a chair? - You first.
No, you first.
- How you doing? - Good evening.
Stop.
Well, you ladies look lovely tonight.
So Whatley says to me, "Hey, I can make Catholic jokes.
I used to be Catholic.
" Now, see, I don't think it is a Catholic joke.
I think it's more of a Raquel Welch joke.
What was it? "No, I said, 'Hand me the buoys.
"' "Buoys.
" Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke-telling immunity.
He's already got the big two religions covered.
If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him.
So, what are you going to do? I think this Father Curtis might be very interested to hear what Whatley has the pope doing with Raquel Welch.
Hey, Beth, Arnie, it's Elaine.
Thought you guys might wanna have lunch.
Give me a call.
Bye.
They're not getting a baby, so you're taking them to lunch.
I thought it would be nice.
- Poor Beth.
- Hey, Arnie's just as upset.
Oh, screw him.
Listen to this.
Marcy comes over, tells me her ex-boyfriend was over late last night and "Yada, yada, yada, I'm really tired today.
" - What do you think she's tired from? - Well, obviously the yada yada.
You don't think she'd yada yada sex? I've yada yada-ed sex.
- Really? - Yeah.
I met this lawyer.
We went out to dinner.
I had the lobster bisque.
We went back to my place.
Yada, yada, yada I never heard from him again.
But you yada yada-ed over the best part.
No, I mentioned the bisque.
Well, I gotta do something.
Well, I gotta do something.
George is already in there.
No, Mickey and I.
We can't work it out.
You know, I'm thinking of asking that Karen out by myself.
She's the one.
You were leaning towards Julie.
Well, I was.
But the one I thought was Julie turned out to be Karen.
Well, it was a hell of a yada yada.
He's moving to Seattle.
He wanted to say goodbye.
I was just getting out of the shower and yada, yada, yada All right.
Enough.
Enough.
From now on, no more yada yadas.
Just give me the full story.
Okay.
Well when I got out of the shower, I was dripping Not that story.
Another story.
Tell me about the free facial.
Okay, well, like I said, I was on Third Avenue and I stopped by a large department store.
- Which one? - Bloomingdale's.
Very good.
Go on.
- And Oh, I stole a Piaget watch.
- What's that? And then I was on such a high that I went upstairs to the salon on the fifth floor and got a massage and a facial and skipped out on the bill.
Shoplifting.
Well, what about you? You told me that you were engaged.
What was the rest of that? Excuse me, Mother? - Sister.
- Sister.
Right.
Do you know when Father Curtis has office hours? Well, not until tomorrow.
I really need to speak with him.
You know, that's a kneeler.
Tell me your sins, my son.
Well, I should mention that I'm Jewish.
- Oh, that's no sin.
- Oh, good.
Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr.
Whatley.
I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes.
And this offends you as a Jewish person? No, it offends me as a comedian.
And it'll interest you to know that he's also telling Catholic jokes.
- Well - And, I mean, they're old jokes.
I mean, the pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat.
I haven't heard that one.
Oh, I'm sure you have.
They're out on the ocean and yada, yada, yada and she And she says, "Those aren't buoys.
" - Father.
- One second.
Well, if it would make you feel better, I could speak to Dr.
Whatley.
I have to go back and have a wisdom tooth removed.
Good luck.
You know the difference between a dentist and a sadist, don't you? Newer magazines.
That's funny.
Now if you would excuse me.
Jerry, I gotta talk to you.
- Hi.
- Hi, Kramer.
Got a minute? Actually, my parents are over, but would you like to meet them? - Yeah.
- Mom, Dad.
Hi.
Elaine, I have to ask you about something.
- What? - The yada yada.
- Yada yada? - What exactly happened down there? Well, I don't know.
I mean, I talked to him and blah, blah, blah.
He asked about you guys and: More questions.
Blah, blah, blah.
All right.
Shut up.
Shut up? Again you are telling me to shut up? - What? - You yelled at me that time at the movies.
That's why you're not getting the baby.
And you told that to the adoption guy? - Slipped out.
- Oh, God.
What am I gonna tell Beth? Well, Arnie, look, I'll go down and talk to this adoption guy and make sure it all gets straightened out.
- Just don't screw it up this time! - See, again you're yelling.
Not a fan of the yelling.
Are you about done? Oh, I'm just getting warmed up.
Because I'm just a sadist with newer magazines.
Father Curtis told me your little joke.
I really didn't appreciate it.
Well, what about all your Jewish jokes? I'm Jewish.
You're not a dentist.
You have no idea what my people have been through.
- The Jews? - No, the dentists.
You know, we have the highest suicide rate of any profession.
Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment? So I'll I'll see you tonight, huh? Okay.
- Date with Karen? - No, Julie.
- She's the one.
- What happened to Karen? Well, Mickey and her have more in common.
Her parents are little people.
Oh, small world.
So little people can have "non-little-people" children? Oh, yeah, and vice versa.
Yeah, Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry.
So you won't believe what happened with Whatley.
It got back to him that I made this little dentist joke and he got all offended.
Those people can be so touchy.
- "Those people.
" Listen to yourself.
- What? You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else in search of a dream.
- Whatley's from Jersey.
- Yes, and now he's a full-fledged American.
Kramer, he's just a dentist.
Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
I am not an anti-dentite.
You're a rabid anti-dentite.
Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs: "Hey, denty.
" Next thing you know, you're saying they should have their own schools.
- They do have their own schools.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah! Oh, come on.
One little baby, whatever you have in stock.
- Miss Benes, please.
- Lookit, lookit, Brian.
These people are getting a baby, period.
Now, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the fun way.
I'm sorry to bother you.
But you always said you'd be there for me.
- What's wrong? - I'm thinking of leaving Arnie.
- Talk to me.
He met with Elaine, and I asked him what happened.
And he yada yada-ed me.
Could they be having an affair? I wouldn't put anything past anybody.
But we just got married.
Well, obviously, that was a mistake.
You need to forget about Arnie.
The important thing is you're moving on.
Why would Elaine do that to me? Forget about Elaine.
Let's just focus on us.
- Come on, big hug.
- Hey, Jerry.
Where's Kramer? I've got exciting news.
- I'm in the middle of something.
- Karen and I are getting married.
Oh, congratulations.
Her marriage just fell apart.
- How many is that for you? - Two.
You're a lightweight.
Come on, honey.
This church give you any ideas? - Hey, Jerry.
- Hey.
What are you doing here with Beth? Beth and Arnie broke up.
So they don't want a baby? I think I'm gonna be sick.
Hey, where's Marcy? She went shopping for some shoes for the wedding and yada, yada, yada, I'll see her in six to eight months.
- Hey, Kramer, over here.
- I'd just as soon not sit next to you.
Kramer.
- Look, there's Mickey and his parents.
- Oh, a nice-looking family.
Very handsome.
How you doing? Hey, Kramer.
You must be so proud.
We never thought he'd settle down.
Well, not again.
Oh, Mickey.
Excuse me.
I can't take this.
Hi, Mr.
Abbott.
That's Dr.
Abbott, D.
D.
S.
Tim Whatley was one of my students.
And if this wasrt my sors wedding day l'd knock your teeth out, you anti-dentite bastard.
What was that all about? Oh, I said something about dentists, and it got blown all out of proportion.
Hey, what do you call a doctor who fails out of med school? - What? - A dentist.
- That's a good one.
- Yeah.
- Dentists.
- Yeah, who needs them? Not to mention the blacks and the Jews.
- Where's Beth? - She ran out to get her head shaved.
We are gathered here today to unite this couple in the bonds of holy matrimony.
Those wisdom teeth are tough to get out.
Marriage is not an institution to be entered into lightly.
Yada, yada, yada.
I pronounce you man and wife.
I really wanted you.