The King of Queens s08e19 Episode Script

HAPPY 40TH, DOUGLAS.
OH, WOW.
HEY.
HERE WE GO.
"WELCOME TO STEREO.
" IT'S MARVELOUS.
YOU HEAR A BOWLING BALL ROLLING IN ONE SPEAKER AND THE PINS FALLING DOWN IN THE OTHER.
I THINK WE'VE FOUND OUR NEW MAKE-OUT ALBUM.
OK, THIS ONE'S FROM DANNY.
OK.
YEAH, I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT TO GET YOU.
THEN I WALKED BY LAZY EDDIE'S.
THE GRASPER? YEAH.
YOU USE IT TO PICK UP STUFF.
AND THE FIRST PART OF MY BODY HAS BEEN REPLACED.
OH! YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.
REACHING WAS THE ONLY CARDIO HE HAD LEFT.
OH, YOU CAN JUST PUT THOSE IN THE SINK.
THANKS.
OK.
SO HAS DOUG BEEN FREAKING OUT ABOUT TURNING 40? NO.
HE'S DOING FINE.
OH.
MY HUSBAND MATT TOTALLY WENT TO PIECES.
REALLY? YEAH.
IT WAS ROUGH FOR A WHILE, BUT IT ENDED UP BEING JUST THE KICK IN THE PANTS HE NEEDED.
HE GOT BACK INTO SHAPE.
HE STARTED HIS OWN BUSINESS.
OH.
AND HE'S TAKING ME TO PARIS NEXT MONTH.
HUH.
HEY, UH, DO YOU HAVE ANY MARSHMALLOWS? DOUG WANTS TO SEE IF HE CAN CATCH 'EM WITH THE GRASPER.
UPPER RIGHT CABINET.
OK.
BUT DON'T USE 'EM ALL, 'CAUSE THAT'S HOW I GIVE HIM HIS LIPITOR.
HEY, DEAC, UH, DOUG'S TAKING 40 IN STRIDE, HUH? OH, YEAH.
'CAUSE I KNOW SOME GUYS THIS AGE, THEY START FREAKING OUT.
THEY START WONDERING, "AM I HAPPY WHERE I AM? IS THIS ALL THERE IS?" WHY ISN'T HE FREAKING OUT? I DON'T KNOW.
'CAUSE, I MEAN, HE SHOULD BE.
SHOULDN'T HE? HE CAN'T BE HAPPY WITH WHERE HE IS IN HIS LIFE.
GOING TO WORK IN SHORT PANTS AND LUGGING AROUND PACKAGES TO PEOPLE.
UH-HUH.
YOU KNOW I DO THE SAME THING.
YES.
BUT YOU ARE NOT 40.
I TURN 39 NEXT MONTH.
REALLY? YEAH.
WELL, YOU LOOK SUPER.
THANKS.
MAYBE HE DOES HAVE SOME STUFF GOING ON.
IT'S PROBABLY JUST ALL BOTTLED UP INSIDE.
DEEP INSIDE.
MM-HMM.
WELL, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY.
THANKS.
MMM! OH! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING YOURSELF INTO.
I JUST HAD A HANDFUL OF THESE SEXY PILLS THAT SPENCE GAVE ME.
AND, UH-WHOA.
IT'S KICKING IN.
THAT'S CUTE, BABY.
THAT'S CUTE.
SO ARE THINGS ALL GOOD? YEAH.
WHY? WELL, JUST THAT IT IS THE BIG 4-0.
AND I KNOW A LOT OF GUYS WHEN THEY GET THIS AGE, THEY START HAVING SOME REGRETS.
WHAT ABOUT? OH, ABOUT, UH YOU KNOW, YOUR LIFE, YOUR JOB, THINGS YOU WISH YOU'D DONE.
ACTUALLY, NOW THAT YOU SAY IT, I KIND OF WISH I CALLED IN SICK TODAY.
COME ON.
I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU HERE.
YOU'RE REALLY WORRIED ABOUT ME, AREN'T YOU? YES.
SO IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT OR WORK ON, I AM HERE FOR YOU.
CARRIE, I AM HAPPY.
I DON'T HAVE A SINGLE REGRET.
I MEAN, I'VE ACCOMPLISHED MORE IN MY LIFE THAN I'D EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE.
WELL GOOD.
MORNING.
HEY.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID LAST NIGHT.
"IS THERE ANYTHING I WISH I HAD DONE?" AND I THOUGHT OF SOMETHING.
REALLY? WHAT IS IT? I WANNA RIDE GOLIATH.
WHAT'S THAT? IT'S THIS HUGE ROLLER COASTER AT THRILL MOUNTAIN.
WHEN IT FIRST OPENED UP, MY DAD AND I, WE WENT THERE, AND WE WAITED ON LINE FOR LIKE 2 AND A HALF HOURS.
WHEN I FINALLY GOT TO THE FRONT, I DON'T KNOW WHAT HA- I JUST GOT SCARED AND I RAN OFF.
I CAN'T DO IT.
OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE, THIS 10-YEAR-OLD KID'S GOING ON A THIRD TIME.
I'LL BE IN CAPTAIN JACK'S FISH YARD.
NOT A DAY GOES BY THAT I DON'T REGRET MY DECISION TO GET OUT OF THAT LINE.
THAT'S A LOT TO LIVE WITH, HON.
YEAH.
SO I'M THINKING SATURDAY.
YEAH.
SATURDAY.
I GOT TO GO TO WORK.
WAIT A SECOND.
YOU GOT A LITTLE LINT.
LITTLE LINT.
OK, STOP IT.
IT'S MINE NOW.
HEY, IT'S GRASPER! YEAH.
OK.
GOOD.
COME ON.
I NEED THAT FOR THE DRIVE-THROUGH.
I WANTED TO TELL YOU YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GIVE CARRIE A LITTLE EXTRA SPACE THESE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I WAS TALKING TO HER AT YOUR BIRTHDAY YESTERDAY, AND I THINK SHE KIND OF WISHES YOU WANTED MORE OUT OF LIFE, BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T AMOUNTED TO VERY MUCH.
SHE SHE WANTS ME TO HAVE A MIDLIFE CRISIS? PRETTY MUCH.
YOU READY TO GO? SHE'S JUST TRYING TO GET ME TO IMPROVE MYSELF TO GET A BETTER LIFE FOR HER.
SHE'S UNBELIEVABLE.
ACTUALLY, SHE KIND OF GOT ME THINKING.
I'M GONNA APPLY FOR THAT I.
P.
S.
MANAGEMENT PROGRAM.
WHY DON'T YOU DO IT WITH ME? WHY DON'T YOU SACK UP AND FIGHT THE POWER, NANCY? ALL I'M SAYING IS THIS THING AIN'T GOING AWAY.
I'LL DEAL WITH IT, BELIEVE ME.
SHE WANTS A CRISIS, I'LL WHIP SOMETHING UP.
SHUT THE DOOR.
DOUG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? NOTHING.
GO BACK TO SLEEP.
OK.
H- H-HATE MYSELF! ARE YOU OK? YEAH.
I'M GREAT.
I'M 40 YEARS OLD AND WHAT HAVE I DONE IN MY LIFE REALLY? WHERE AM I GOING WITH MY LIFE? WHAT AM I DOING? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU SAID YOU WERE OK WITH BEING 40.
YEAH.
THE NILE AIN'T JUST A RIVER IN SPAIN, CARRIE.
I JUST I THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID THE OTHER NIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT IS THIS? I WAS MAKING A LIST OF MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
OH, WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING ON HERE.
LET'S SEE WHAT IT SAYS.
"GET BUTTERFINGERS.
" THAT WAS THAT WAS FOR ME.
OH, BABY, COME ON.
MY MY GOD, YOU'RE SOAKED.
GREAT.
NOW I'M A FAILURE AND I CAN'T CONTROL MY SWEAT GLANDS.
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE, OK? YOU ARE A VERY SMART, TALENTED GUY WHO COULD DO ANYTHING HE PUTS HIS MIND TO.
DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT? YES.
WELL, ALL I WANNA DO IS JUST I WANNA GIVE YOU A BETTER LIFE.
AND I WANT A BETTER LIFE.
I WANNA BUY YOU A BIGGER HOUSE.
I WANNA TAKE YOU AROUND THE WORLD AND GIVE YOU THE BEST OF EVERYTHING.
YES, HONEY! OK! YOU KNOW WHAT? STARTING RIGHT NOW.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? I'M QUITTING MY JOB.
WHA-WHAT? YOU'RE QUITTING YOUR JOB? IF I'M GONNA MAKE IT TO THE TOP, I CAN'T THINK LIKE A DONKEY.
I NEED TIME TO PLAN MY COURSE.
OK.
HOW MUCH TIME? YOU CANNOT PUT A CLOCK ON GREATNESS.
HOW MUCH A LASIK SURGEON PULL DOWN, YOU THINK? OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S SLOW DOWN HERE.
YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN ME THEN.
YOU DON'T.
I DO.
I DO.
I'M JUST THINKING OUT LOUD.
IT'S JUST THAT NOW I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT? OUR LIFE IS GREAT JUST THE WAY IT IS.
SO YOU WANT ME NOT TO QUIT MY JOB AND EVERYTHING JUST STAY THE SAME THE WAY IT IS AND NOT CHANGE THE MAJOR PARTS OF MY LIFE.
NO.
NOT RIGHT NOW.
WHAT-WHATEVER MY BABY WANTS.
$42 TO GET IN.
I REMEMBER WHEN YOU COULD RIDE THE ROLLER COASTER FOR 10 CENTS, AND IT'D TAKE YOU ANYWHERE IN THE CITY.
ARTHUR, I THINK THAT'S THE SUBWAY.
WHAT HAPPENED TO CARRIE? OH, SHE'S OVER THERE GETTING A COBRA TATTOO.
THOUGHT IT'D BE HOT.
HOW'D YOU GET HER TO DO THAT? I JUST THREATENED TO CRY AND BECOME A CARPENTER.
WOW.
YOU'RE REALLY MILKING THIS WHOLE MIDLIFE CRISIS THING, HUH? MM-HMM.
MM-HMM.
NOW I'M HAPPY.
SHE'S HAPPY.
LISTEN.
BY THE WAY, IF IT COMES UP, I THREW CARRIE A LITTLE BONE.
I TOLD HER O'BOYLE WAS RECOMMENDING ME FOR THAT BOSS SCHOOL.
THE MANAGEMENT TRAINING PROGRAM.
WHATEVER.
POINT IS, TUESDAY NIGHTS FROM 7:00 TO 9:00, I'M NOT AT THE MOVIES.
HUH? HEY.
THIS THING DOES COME OFF, RIGHT? I HOPE NOT, 'CAUSE I COULDN'T WANT YOU MORE.
ALL RIGHT, SO WHAT'S THE PLAN? WELL, DANNY AND I ARE GONNA HIT THE HAUNTED CASTLE.
YEAH.
SCARED CHICKS ARE VERY APPROACHABLE.
AND I'M TAKING MAJOR TO THE KIDS ZONE.
OH, OK.
SO WE'LL JUST MEET BACK HERE AT 2:00.
ALL RIGHT? SOUNDS GOOD.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHO'S GONNA TAKE MY DAD? I DON'T NEED A CARETAKER.
JUST POINT ME IN THE DIRECTION OF THE BEARDED LADY, AND I'LL BE ON MY WAY.
DAD, I DON'T WANT YOU OFF ON YOUR OWN.
MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST TAKE HIM WITH US.
HE CAN'T GET ON THE ROLLER COASTER.
HE'S GOT BLADDER ISSUES, AND HE UNLATCHES THE SAFETY BAR.
DEAC.
OH, WELL, WE'RE GOING ON THE MERRY-GO-ROUND.
I'M SURE ARTHUR- I LOVE THE MERRY-GO-ROUND.
WELL, GREAT.
HAVE FUN, AND DON'T LET HIM HAVE ANY CHOCOLATE.
OK? BYE.
COME ON, MAJOR.
DID YOU KNOW, AS A YOUNG MAN, I WORKED AS A CARNY? ONE DAY, I HAD TO HOLD A MAN'S SEVERED LEG FOR FIVE HOURS.
COME ON.
BUDDY, SETTLE DOWN.
WHY IS THE LINE SO LONG? GET USED TO IT.
LIFE IS ONE LONG LINE.
EXCEPT AT THE END OF IT, THERE AIN'T NO MERRY-GO-ROUND.
DO YOU MIND, ARTHUR? LOOK, PARTNER, WHY DON'T WE GET ON SOMETHING THAT'S NOT SO LONG? LIKE THE HALL OF NUTRITION.
NO.
I WANNA GO ON THE HORSES.
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I TOLD YOU I COULD GET THE THREE OF US TO THE FRONT OF THIS LINE AND EVERY OTHER LINE IN THIS PARK? HMM? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? YOU DON'T LIKE SEEING A MAN IN A WHEELCHAIR? THEN DON'T SEND ME TO KOREA.
YOU'RE WELCOME FOR YOUR FREEDOM.
RIGHT THIS WAY, SIR.
GREAT CALL ON THE BIRD SHOW.
THEY SAID THAT'S WHERE ALL THE CHICKS WOULD BE.
YEAH.
REAL CHICKS IN A NEST.
OK.
NOW WE KNOW.
HI.
CAN I HAVE A CHERRY ICE? OH, HELLO, MISS.
HOW BERRY NICE TO SEE YOU.
AH.
GOD, THIS ALL LOOKS SO GOOD.
YOU KNOW WHAT? SURPRISE ME.
BUT, UM, NOTHING WITH PEANUTS, OR MY HEAD WILL BLOW UP BIGGER THAN YOURS.
I THINK THE, UH, ICE CREAM CONE KIND OF DIGS ME.
WHAT? YEAH.
YOU SEE THE WAY SHE TOUCHED MY ARM? THERE'S A DEFINITE VIBE BETWEEN US.
YOU'RE GETTIN' A VIBE FROM A GIANT ICE CREAM CONE? SHH, SHH.
HERE SHE COMES.
OH! CHOCO CRUNCH.
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT WAS MY FAVORITE? WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELCOME TO GOLIATH, OF WHITE-KNUCKLE FURY.
PLEASE SECURE ALL SUNGLASSES, CELL PHONES AND CAMERAS.
ENJOY THE RIDE.
YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT I'D BE NERVOUS WHEN I SAW IT AGAIN.
BUT I GUESS WHEN YOU'RE 25 YEARS OLD, THE WHOLE WORLD LOOKS BIGGER.
THAT'S RIGHT, BABY.
HEY, IF IT ISN'T THE HEFFERNANS.
HI, MR.
O'BOYLE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WELL, I HEARD YOU AND PALMER TALKING ABOUT IT, SO I FIGURED I'D BRING THE BOYS.
YOU REMEMBER SANJI, PATRICK, JR.
A COUPLE OF LADY-KILLERS YOU GOT THERE, HUH? THEY DO ALL RIGHT.
ANYWAY, I'M GLAD WE BUMPED INTO YOU BECAUSE I WANNA SAY THANK YOU FOR RECOMMENDING DOUG.
HE WON'T LET YOU DOWN.
RECOMMENDED FOR WHAT? WHOA.
WE'RE MOVING.
THE LINE'S MOVING.
HERE WE GO.
KEEP IT UP.
LET'S GO, FOLKS.
KEEP IT ROLLIN'.
I'LL SEE YOU ON MONDAY.
ARTHUR, COME ON, MAN.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU COULDN'T HAVE COME IN HERE YOURSELF.
BECAUSE IF ANYONE SEES ME WALKING, WE'LL BE THROWN OUT ON OUR EARS.
FINE.
JUST GO AHEAD SO WE CAN HIT THE LOG FLUME.
OH.
BACON IS IN THE PAN.
HOW YOU DOING, SIR? FINE, EXCEPT FOR THE FACT MY LEGS ARE UTTERLY USELESS.
I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID BEFORE ABOUT BEING A VETERAN.
AND THANK YOU.
WELL, COMING FROM A FELLOW MAN IN UNIFORM, THAT MEANS A LOT.
OK, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CARRY ME IN THERE.
WHAT? I'M NOT DOING THAT.
JUST WAIT FOR HIM TO LEAVE.
THAT'S NOT AN OPTION.
SON LOOK AWAY.
SO LET'S HEAD OVER TO THE KIDS ZONE.
MAYBE WE COULD PICK UP SOME SINGLE MOMS.
ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME? I'M-I'M-I'M SORRY.
I JUST I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HER.
WHO? THE ICE CREAM CONE? AW, MAN.
YOU GOT TO LET THAT GO.
YOU'RE STARTING TO CREEP ME OUT HERE.
I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT I THINK SHE MAY BE THE ONE.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE SHE MIGHT BE? A DUDE.
OH, PLEASE.
I THINK I KNOW THE FEEL OF A MAN'S TOUCH, AND THIS DEFINITELY WASN'T IT.
OK.
EVEN IF IT IS A GIRL, YOU GOT TO FIGURE THEY DON'T PUT THE HOT ONES IN A MASK.
NONE OF THAT MATTERS NOW.
WE HAD A CONNECTION.
I'M NOT GONNA LET THAT SLIP THROUGH MY FINGERS.
I'M NOT.
LOOK, I KNOW THIS IS GONNA SOUND CRAZY, BUT FROM THE MOMENT I MET YOU, I JUST FEEL LIKE- WAIT.
YOU'RE NOT HER.
YOU'RE CHOCOLATE.
WHERE'S THE STRAWBERRY CONE? WHERE IS SHE? WELCOME TO GOLIATH, OF WHITE-KNUCKLE FURY.
PLEASE SECURE ALL CAMERAS, SUNGLASSES, AND CELL PHONES.
ENJOY THE RIDE.
I'LL SECURE MY CAMERA DOWN HIS THROAT.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? WHY DON'T WE JUST GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING ELSE? WHAT? WE'VE BEEN IN LINE FOR LIKE 2 HOURS.
COME ON, BABY.
WE GOT TO CONQUER THIS FEAR.
OK? EVEN GETTING THIS FAR IS A BIG STEP FOR ME.
HEY, LET'S GO SEE HOW BIG I LOOK IN THE HOUSE OF MIRRORS.
HEY, IT'S YOU GUYS AGAIN, HUH? WHAT WERE YOU THANKING ME ABOUT BEFORE? OH.
UM, I WAS THANKING YOU FOR GETTING DOUG INTO THAT MANAGEMENT PROGRAM.
WHAT? THE LINE'S MOVING AGAIN.
WHOA.
I'M SORRY.
SHE'S ALL RIGHT.
SHE'S TOUGH.
LADY, KEEP MOVING.
WHAT IS GOING ON? I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR THE MANAGEMENT PROGRAM, OK? AND YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE I LIKE MY LIFE.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR CRISIS? THERE WAS NO CRISIS, OK? DEACON TOLD ME WHAT YOU SAID, SO I FAKED THE WHOLE THING.
YOU FAKED IT? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU THAT YOU CAN'T BE HAPPY THAT I'M HAPPY.
AND WHY CAN'T YOU WANT MORE FOR YOURSELF? WHAT MORE COULD I WANT, CARRIE? I HAVE A JOB THAT I LIKE.
I'M IN LOVE WITH A WOMAN THAT I'M MARRIED TO.
OH, SHUT UP.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT THIS STUPID SNAKE ON MY ARM.
EXCUSE ME.
THERE'S A GAP.
YEAH.
EXCUSE ME.
WHO'S GONNA FILL THE GAP IN MY LIFE, OK? STEP FORWARD, PLEASE.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST RIDE THIS STUPID THING AND GET HOME.
WHAT? LET'S GO.
I CAN'T.
OH, YOU CAN'T.
ANOTHER FAKE CRISIS? NO, IT'S NOT A FAKE CRIS- I I CAN'T DO IT.
OK, DOUG, YOU LISTEN TO ME AND LISTEN TO ME GOOD.
I'VE GIVEN UP MY DREAMS OF A BETTER LIFE BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT YOUR ONLY DREAM WAS TO RIDE THIS STUPID ROLLER COASTER.
SO YOU'RE GONNA GET YOUR BUTT IN THAT CAR BECAUSE I AM COMING OUT OF HERE WITH SOMETHING.
LET'S GO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE DOING THIS ALONE, BABE.
GOOD LUCK.
HELLO.
HONEY, IN CASE I DON'T MAKE IT, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I HATE YOU.
AAH! WAIT.
STOP.
THEY'RE SELLING FUDGE OVER THERE.
ARTHUR, YOU'VE ALREADY HAD LIKE A POUND OF IT.
I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO GIVE YOU CHOCOLATE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
UNLESS YOU WANNA WAIT 45 MINUTES TO RIDE THE BUMPER BOATS, I SUGGEST YOU GIVE ME WHAT I WANT.
NO, ARTHUR.
I'VE ALREADY SPENT $100 ON YOU.
COST OF KEEPING A DISABLED WAR VETERAN HAPPY, $100.
GETTING YOUR SON TO THE FRONT OF EVERY LINE, PRICELESS.
NOW, FUDGE ME UP! YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M THROUGH DRIVING MISS DAISY.
OH, REALLY? PERHAPS I SHOULD SHOW THAT PARK EMPLOYEE OVER THERE A MIRACLE? OHH.
I'M CALLING YOUR BLUFF, OLD MAN.
I'LL DO IT.
YOU GOT A GOOD THING GOING HERE.
ME WHEELING YOU AROUND, EVERYONE FAWNING ALL OVER YOU.
YOU'RE GONNA BLOW ALL THAT FOR A LOUSY PIECE OF FUDGE? SHAME ON YOU! SO SHOULD WE HIT WET AND WILD? GIVE ME THAT SOMBRERO.
SO THE THING IS I'M WORKING IN THE SUBWAY NOW, BUT I'D REALLY LIKE TO BE A WRITER.
I THINK I HAVE A NOVEL IN ME.
I GOD.
I'M SORRY.
I'M JUST RAMBLING.
GOD, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
WOULD IT BE OK IF IF I KISSED YOU? NO, DON'T.
SO, UH, WHAT TIME DO YOU GET OFF? I WAS THINKING MAYBE WE CAN GO HIT THE BEER GARDEN OVER THERE IN FANTASY FOREST.
THAT SOUNDS GREAT.