The Middle s08e19 Episode Script

1 [Crow caws.]
So I ran into Reverend Hayver at the Frugal Hoosier.
Nothing good ever comes after that sentence.
[Sighs.]
Yeah, well, he not-so-subtly reminded me that we never had Brick confirmed.
We were supposed to have him confirmed two years ago, Mike.
In the eyes of God, that's pretty bad.
Well, I seem to be fine so far.
That's debatable.
So, did you push him off? Well, I tried to, but he cornered me, and I started making up excuses.
"Oh, I was sick.
" "There was a whole thing with my mom.
" Look, I went down a road, and long story short, there's a ceremony next week, and Brick's doin' it.
What?! I'm not prepared! How am I gonna learn all that stuff in a week? You stopped driving me to Sunday school.
You told me to watch 15 minutes of "Hour of Power" and let you sleep.
Don't worry.
I got ahead of it.
I already called Reverend TimTom.
Now, he doesn't do privates, but we're in luck 'cause this week he's hosting the Wilderness Jesus Jam.
You lost me at "wilderness.
" [Sighs.]
Okay, look, you know I would never break a confidence, but I'm gonna break my no-confidence-breaking rule just this once and confide in you 'cause I think our friend really needs our help.
I think Lexie hasn't been herself lately because - She's crushing on Axl.
- How did you know that? Oh, please, every time he comes over to do laundry, she wearthat top that shows off her shoulders.
Plus, she does that move where she piles her hair up and lets it fall, like Nobody takes that many tries to put their hair up.
She knows where her hair is.
Wow.
That is impressive! Your straight-dar is really good.
Practically a superpower.
That's how I know you have feelings [whispering.]
for Sean Donahue.
What?! First of all, shut up.
I do not.
And second of all, how did you know that? Anytime someone mentions his name, you get this goofy smile on your face.
Whenever he came to your house in high school, you took your retainer out.
And you told me you liked him that night we tried wine.
Okay, well, that's a conversation for when we're old enough to drink wine.
Right now we need to focus on Lexie 'cause she needs some serious cheering-up.
- You've come to the right place.
- Mm-hmm.
What level are we talking about? Well, she tried to flirt with Axl over spring break, and he doesn't even know she's alive.
I mean, think about it, the girl's gotten everything she's ever wanted in her whole life, and the one thing she can't have is Axl? [Shudders.]
That's pretty sad.
Wow.
That is sad.
No question we got to go big.
[Smooching.]
Mm, I'm really glad you decided to kiss me.
Me too.
This is awesome.
You're awesome.
Let's not tell anyone.
What? I mean [chuckles.]
I want to tell people.
Duh.
Why wouldn't I? Look, it it's just with April, my family got all up in my business, and if I tell them about this, they're gonna think it's too soon, my parents will get all judgy.
Next thing you know, I'll spite-marry you, and we'll end up divorced.
Trust me.
We'll be much happier if we just keep this a secret.
Plus my dad just made the final payment on my annulment, so there's that.
No, I get it.
I'm just bummed.
I'm with such a cute guy, and I can't tell anyone? Well, you can tell that guy.
I like him.
- We like each other.
- Don't care.
That was not satisfying.
All right, happy campers, grab a bunk, and let's get our Bible on.
Uh I was here first.
No, I believe I was here first.
Would you mind taking the bottom bunk? I'm scared of enclosed spaces.
Well, I'm scared of being crushed in a bizarre bunk accident.
Great.
Now I'm scared of that, too, which means I've got the enclosed spaces plus your thing, so - [Chord plays.]
- It's the Wilderness Jesus Jam We'll learn about God and how beavers build dams We'll eat loaves and catch fishes Then clean up our dishes 'Cause bears eat kids and clergymen "Don't put your God to the test" Jesus said to the devil in the wilderness Don't forget to pack bug spray, Bibles, and Bactine And always go to the bathroom downstream That's important.
Okay, we're back from our bathroom break and ready to play some more Jesus Jeopardy.
Once again, our categories are "Saint or Sinner?" "Diseases of the Bible," "Potent Parables," and "Who Begat Whom?" Whoever wins this round gets the staff of Moses.
[Chuckling.]
Now, that's not gonna help you to part the Red Sea, but it will snag you 30 minutes of computer time.
All websites to be approved by yours truly.
[Stomps foot.]
All righty.
Brick is in the lead and sniffing victory, but Kevin has control of the board.
Uh, I'll take "Saint or Sinner?" for $300.
He was one of the guests at Jesus' last dinner But he dined and dashed Was he a saint or a sinner? He was a sinner, and who is Judas? "Judas" is correct! Uh, I'll take "Diseases of the Bible" for $600.
Give him a hand and a foot and a knee It's not a new way to clap You've got Leprosy! That is correct, Brick, and seeing as our time is up, with 2,000 points, you are our reigning champion.
But he didn't answer in the form of a question.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Who is holding Moses' staff? "Who" is me.
Who is a cheater? "Who" is you.
Okay, permission to drop the "Who is" structure 'cause I think it's kind of run its course.
I'm not a cheater! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I don't know what's going on, but you two have been going at it like Cain and Abel since you got here.
Okay, while the rest of us go on the Footprints in the Mud nature hike, I want the two of you to stay here and figure out how to get along.
And if you happen to write a song about tolerance, that would be great.
I could use it up in Clarksdale.
A lot of hubbub about who can use what bathroom lately.
Frankie: When Sue and Brad set out to cheer someone up, nobody can stop them, not even the person they're trying to cheer up.
Do I love this? - Yes.
- Yes.
Am I a rainbow? Am I dolphins? Am I America? Am I my parents?! [Buzzer.]
That's the pizza.
Am I pizza? Closer.
[Whistling.]
Ha! Come on, Lexie.
We're re-enacting the "Friends" opening.
- Whoo! - [Laughs.]
Lexie, where are you? You're being such a Phoebe right now! - Hey! - Brad: That's it.
No more sleepovers, no more tacos, and no more re-enacting the opening sequence - from beloved sitcoms.
- Oh, thank God.
This is a dating ambush, and we are first responders.
Ooh, that sounded kind of scary.
Trust us, the best way to get over somebody is to meet somebody new.
And your date is waiting at the bar for us right now.
- Oh.
No.
Guys, no, no, no.
- Come on.
- Yes.
- Let's go.
Come on.
- No, no, no.
No, no, no, guys.
It's not necessary.
Come on! - [Sighs.]
- [Door closes.]
[Sarcastically.]
Thanks a lot.
I've missed Swimming with the Savior and Canoeing with Christ 'cause you won't admit you started it.
Oh, I'll admit I started it when I start it, which I did not do.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm getting confirmed next week, and I need to brush up on 2,000 years' worth of Bible facts.
[Sighs.]
Hey, that's my Bible! Uh, no, it is not.
I wrote "BH" right here.
It doesn't say "BH.
" It says "BF.
" No, it says "BH" Brick Heck.
No, it says "BF" Blake Ferguson.
Oh, my God.
Blake Ferguson? The Blake Ferguson?! We're practically brothers! Hey! What are you talking about? Uh, it's me Brick.
Brick Heck! We were switched at birth! I spent the first month of my life with your family, and you spent the first month of your life with my family.
Why aren't you more excited about this? You're acting like you've never heard this story before.
You've never heard this story before.
You're lying.
It is very un-cool to lie and triply un-cool to do it at Wilderness Jesus Jam! I'm not lying.
Your name is Blake Ferguson.
You live in Orson Heights.
Your parents are Charlie and Anna Ferguson.
You were born October 15, 2001, at Orson County Hospital, but my mom stole your mom's room and my dad got distracted by a sports game on TV and they accidentally took you home! That did not happen! My parents would never let that happen! Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't know what the problem is here, but whatever it is, I'm sure the Rovin' Rev can help.
Ha.
We were switched at birth.
Uh, it was a month before anyone figured it out.
I assumed he knew all this, but apparently, his parents never told him, and he does not seem to be taking it well.
[Chord plays.]
[Sighs.]
I don't have a song for that.
[Sighs.]
When's Brick getting home? I think tomorrow.
- [Door opens.]
- There he is! - Hey! How was the Jesus Jam? Brick: It was good.
I learned about the plague of boils, I memorized the Apostles' Creed, and participated in some rather ribald nighttime bunk chat, where I was informed that third base is quite a bit further than I thought.
[Coughs.]
But you're never gonna believe who I met.
[Doorbell rings.]
How dare you let your son tell our son they were switched at birth! [Chuckles nervously.]
Axl decided he wasn't too concerned about Lexie's date.
After all, he was a friend of Brad and Sue's.
But he thought he'd swing by just for fun.
[Axl whistling.]
- What?! No, it's not.
- [Chuckles.]
[Sighs.]
Oh, my gosh! - Hi, guys.
What are you doing here? - Axl.
Just having some dinner with some friends.
There's no extra chairs.
We already asked.
So, bye! [Chuckles.]
What's the rush? I'm sorry.
Do I know you? Hey.
I'm one of Brad's friends.
Oh Wow, yes.
You must be a theater major, huh? Acting that's a tough business.
Hey, what did the theater major say when he got his degree? "You want fries with that?" 'Cause he couldn't get a good job.
I don't find that funny.
Actually, I'm a business major.
Oh.
- So am I.
- Oh, yeah? I'm surprised I haven't seen you around the business library.
Well, that's not because I didn't know there was one.
I've been very busy starring on the football team.
I didn't get your name.
Chester Lansing.
- Oh! The guy who killed two people.
- Chester: No.
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was his name.
- [Chuckles nervously.]
He got off 'cause they could never find the murder weapon, so he's still out there somewhere.
Sue: Well this has been so awesome catching up, but we gotta go, so Yeah, we're going back to the apartment to watch a movie and have a nightcap.
And by "nightcap," I mean fruit juice in champagne glasses.
Mm-hmm.
So, buh-bye! [Sighs.]
We sure we want to watch a movie on a school night? So, you see, Blake, it was kind of the hospital's screw-up because they gave me the room that your mom was supposed to get.
[Chuckling.]
That's why they thought there were two baby Fergusons.
Hmm.
My mom says you took her room 'cause it was nicer.
Well, yes, technically, but we didn't ask for the room, so what we did was wrong, but it wasn't bad.
See, there are different levels of wrong.
This is what we call "light wrong.
" If I had stayed your mom, I would have explained this to you.
What's important to remember, Blake, is that the authorities determined that we were not to blame.
It was these people.
Well, not exactly people.
Actually, it was this one's fault for watching the football game and not paying attention to which baby was his.
Well, shame on me for expecting a mother to recognize her own baby.
It's not called father's intuition.
Fathers are supposed to watch the game and smoke cigars, which is what I did.
Well, we don't like to dwell on the past.
Seems like you do 'cause you drove all the way across town to do it.
[Chuckles.]
People who steal babies shouldn't throw stones.
[Exhales sharply.]
But as long as the cat's out of the bag, you might as well have this.
It's your baby book.
It is? You kept a book? Of me? Wow.
You gave me a one-month birthday party? Well, you were our first.
We went a little overboard.
I know most parents don't celebrate one-month birthdays.
Some don't even celebrate actual birthdays.
[Sighs.]
So do you have my baby book? Of course, but our basement recently flooded, and shoot, Mike, was Blake's baby book with the panda on the cover in the box that we lost in the flood? - It was.
- [Sighs.]
And all those home movies we took of him? - Yep.
Please tell me the portrait we had painted of him wasn't - Same box.
Oh.
Brick: "His favorite book is 'Good Night, Gorilla'.
Every time we read it to him, he kicks his little legs.
" And here's a picture of you reading it to me! What was my favorite book? Yeah, we'd love to know.
Well, yes, of course.
You loved Loni Anderson's "My Life in High Heels.
" I skipped the Burt Reynolds parts.
[Chuckles.]
Too racy.
That's the kind of mom I am overprotective.
[Growls, chuckles.]
Brick: "November 12, 2001.
It snowed today.
We cozied up in the reading nook with our beautiful boy and listened to classical music.
" I had a reading nook? I listened to classical music? You know, I've always loved classical music, but my "dad" calls it dentist music.
Wow.
So much of who I am is finally making sense to me.
Well, there's one more thing we have for you.
Mr.
Ribbits.
Come on! We have one more thing for you, as well.
You loved this Colts towel.
Uh are you sure about that, Frankie? I don't remember Blake liking my lucky Colts towel that if I'm not holding it when they play, the Colts don't win.
I think what he really loved was your commemorative Royal Family plate.
Are you sure, Mike? Because that plate is worth a lot of money, and this towel is worthless.
Yeah, but I remember early on, we taught the boy that there are some things that are more important than money, like magical towels that help the Colts win.
[Sniffs.]
I like it.
Well we've got a lot of packing to do.
Yes, uh, my husband's taking a sabbatical from the university, and we're going on a month-long family trip to visit the birthplaces of great American authors.
[Whimpers.]
Let's go, son.
[Sighs.]
Brick! Those are nice socks.
Do you know if they make them for guys, or? Axl! Can you help me with the fruit juice, please? What are you doing? You're acting crazy.
Am I? I'm not the one who's kissing one guy and dating another.
What am I supposed to do? You don't want to tell anyone.
I don't even like Chester.
Oh, of course you do.
He's exactly like me, only better.
He's Better Axl.
He's better-looking, he's better at business, he's better at being tall.
Why are you acting so crazy? You know I like you.
That's the problem you like me, so you're gonna like him even more.
You might like generic ice cream, but if someone gives you Haagen-Dazs, you're gonna take it.
I didn't think you were the jealous type.
Only when it comes to myself, which he is.
Brad, what are we gonna do? Lexie's practically throwing herself at Axl.
I know.
It's so sad.
When someone's not into you, you have to move on.
You got to look at yourself in the mirror and say, "Ricky Martin is happily married with two kids.
It's not worth the stamps, Bradley.
" We got to get her away from him.
Lexie, could I see you in the bathroom for a [speaks gibberish.]
[Chuckles.]
Okay, look! I am trying to help my friend here, who, for some reason, finds you attractive, and you lurking around here isn't making anything any easier.
So you need to go! Now! [Sighs.]
Beat it.
Tsst! Well, you heard her.
Hit the bricks.
I think she was talking to you.
It looks that way, but she's got a lazy eye.
Okay, I'm gonna level with you.
I like Lexie and Lexie likes me, but it's a secret.
So bottom line, I'm gonna ask you to do something that I would never do, but you're better than me, so maybe you'll do it.
I need you to leave.
Okay.
Seriously? Wow.
You really are better than me.
You guys already have a thing going on.
I don't want to mess with it.
I get it.
[Chuckles.]
I never thought I could love anyone more than myself.
You know, Lexie deserves a guy like you, or a guy just a little bit worse.
[Chuckles.]
[Door opens, closes.]
[Chuckling.]
[Knock on door.]
[Groans.]
[Sighs.]
Listen up, Ches ter.
Sean.
Hey, Axl, I was just [Sighs.]
Okay, uh, I know this is crazy, but I was on my way to Nashville to visit a med school, and I realized the last time I was here, I kind of choked and I didn't really say what I wanted to say and I thought, "You know what, life's too short.
If you have feelings for someone, you should tell them.
" So [sighs.]
here I am.
No, no, no, no, no.
I think the last time we were in my Winnebago, you were saying you weren't looking for a relationship, so I think you should just stick with that.
Um, maybe.
Is she here? She is, but, uh, she's kind of seeing someone.
[Chuckles.]
Really? Yeah.
Huh.
[Scoffs.]
I'm such an idiot.
I-I should have said something the last time I was herebut, no.
Whoo! I'm a Donahue! Always got to do the right thing.
Never want to ruffle any feathers.
[Chuckles.]
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
No, man.
I'm glad you told me.
And the the thing is with med school, I am gonna be Good luck with that! [Sighs.]
Where did Chester go? Oh, he had to go to his methadone appointment.
- Axl, he is not a - [Knock on door.]
- Whoa, I wouldn't answer that.
- Unh! It might be Chester! What What if it's the bad Chester, you know, the serial-killer one? And FYI, your doorman's not doing a very good job.
There's been a lot of foot traffic tonight.
Hi, is Lexie here? Oh, my God! Is there no other woman in the world?! That's it.
I can't take it anymore.
Listen up! Lexie and I are dating, okay?! She's mine! All mine! Tell the others! What?! Shut up.
I'm just gonna put your chemistry notebook right here.
[Door closes.]
Okay, wait, I knew that Lexie liked Axl, but I didn't know I'm so sorry.
I was going to tell you, but Axl wanted to keep it a secret for just a little bit.
So my best friend and my brother are dating.
[Crying.]
I'm not upset.
I promise.
I'm not upset.
I'm happy.
But I also want to throw up a little bit.
But, you know, a happy throw-up.
Like, a good throw-up.
[Whimpers.]
- [Sighs.]
- That's your second one.
That's your second one.
[Sighs.]
I'm sorry, but you saw it.
He was a perfect fit for the Fergusons.
Frankie.
No, it's true.
I used to think the tragedy was that we didn't have Brick for the first month of his life, and now I'm starting to think it's that we had him for the last 14 years.
Isn't he older than that now? [Sighs.]
I don't know.
Add that to the list of tragedies.
I just feel bad for Brick that he's been stuck with us for all these years.
No baby books, no favorite stuffed animals.
We've kept him alive.
That's all we've really done for him.
Maybe he would have been happier with the Fergusons.
Well, you don't want to start pulling on that thread 'cause there's a good chance we'd all be happier somewhere else.
Can I just say I think Brick rocked his confirmation? Yeah, you did way better than me on the Apostles' Creed.
[Chuckles.]
Since you thought it was about Apollo Creed, I'd say the bar was pretty low.
I am so glad we are all gonna be together in Heaven.
Not if I freeze your head.
Axl, do not start talking about freezing my head again.
We are all gonna be in Heaven together.
Yeah, me, Mom, Dad, Brick, and your headless body.
Ohh! Axl, you know what, I am surprised No, you know what, - you are even graduating.
- If you would just accept the idea - You are a child! Childish, childish - of being a headsicle, we wouldn't keep having this conversation over and over Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! See, this is why Brick would rather live with the Fergusons.
They're probably at a classical concert in a park right now eating fancy cheese out of a basket, not trying to freeze each other's body parts.
I don't want to live with the Fergusons.
You don't? I've been thinking about it, and they're actually kind of boring.
You guys make life interesting.
Besides, no great author ever came from a functional family.
You people are gonna make great characters in my book someday.
Okay, but if you have a famous book, you got to pay me for my story.
Obviously, I'm gonna be the star of it "My Hero Brother and the Bodyless Dork.
" - Mom! - Mike.
Axl, your sister has a head.
- Yeah, she's got a head right now.
- No, I have a head.
- I agree she's got a head.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I have a head.
So on Brick's confirmation day, the most important thing he confirmed was that he wanted to be with our family.
God knows why.
Well, that's our story about family Sometimes it'll drive you up a tree Where you'll see other families from way up high The grass looks greener on the other side Well, come down from that tree That's not safe Go pull out the weeds with your family and faith 'Cause family and faith are the best things on Earth Even if you were switched at birth Family and faith are all we got Even if the one you got don't seem so hot It's your family Have faith