Bob's Burgers s08e20 Episode Script

1 LOUISE: Feast your eyes.
My Burobu card collection.
So, Burobu's like Pokémon, but just everybody's a slug? - Uh, yeah.
- Finally.
TINA: Why are there three empty slots? Because I'm missing three of the nine stages of Slugodactyl.
My favorite slug.
Gah, can you believe this collection's taken me two and a half years to build? Buying all these card packs, making all these trades Nerd.
I-I mean wow.
Yeah, well, guess what.
Now I have a new plan.
- Get another hobby? - No.
I'm gonna speed things up with these less-than-authentic Burobu cards I found online.
TINA: - Are they blurry? Only if you look at them.
Here's the thing, these are all Mega Ultra.
When I trade with these, mama gets what mama wants.
Mega Ultra Macho Slugmarine.
Brag.
Don't touch it too hard.
The ink's not the kind that dries.
So, I'm gonna take a few of these to school Monday, make some trades, get those last three Slugodactyls, and my empire will be complete.
ALL: Yay! Wait, didn't you say those cards got banned from school? Yeah, we got a little out of control.
Stop it.
Put 'em away.
KIDS: I pledge allegiance to the flag Son of a All right, you punks, that's it.
Those cards are banned.
If I see 'em again, it's detention and I'm confiscating them.
Now apologize to America.
But relax, we're not doing the trades until after school.
So there's my plan.
Feedback? Praise? Yes, Tina.
It seems sort of dishonest.
I mean, those cards are fake, right? Oh, I don't like the "F" word.
I prefer non-official, non-approved, m'kay? Uh, Tina.
Now can we talk about our study buddy time together tomorrow? I have some ideas.
- Let's try to keep it on Burobu for now, huh? Okay? - Okay.
- That's what we're doing in my room right now.
- Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Uh, yes, Gene.
Did John Lithgow play John Larroquette in a movie, or was that just a dream? - Oh, that's a good one.
Uh - Yeah.
I thought you were only doing Burobu questions.
- I know, but that's interesting.
- LINDA: Kids! Dinner! What were you kids doing? Well, Louise is really excited about her Burobu cards, but what some people think is more exciting is we're gonna be study buddies tomorrow.
- Oh, yeah.
- Uh, what are you two gonna be studying? We're supposed to help them with homework from the class they just had.
So, math.
Oh, boy.
- Oh, God.
-What? It's just, Tina, when it comes to math, you - are bad at it.
- Have room for improvement? Don't worry.
I think I've found someone to help.
Oh, look, she's here now.
'Sup? I'm Mathy Cathy from the mean streets of Fraction Town.
Sure, math is tough, but so am I.
- Hmm.
- Damn! I already feel like I know more math.
- (phone ringing) - Hello.
Listen, kid.
Sometimes on the streets, - stuff doesn't add up.
- Yup.
- Things can get negative.
- Yup.
Yup.
(sighs) Okay, fine.
B Uh, bye.
What was that about? Harry, the pickle guy we used to go to he died.
(gasp) Oh, no! Poor Harry and his pickles.
That was his lawyer on the phone.
Apparently, in his will, Harry requested that I speak at the funeral.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
He must have forgotten to take me out of his will after The incident.
- Okay.
Don't say "the incident" like that.
- Wha ? Whoa, whoa, wait, what incident? Which one of us is the pickle man's child? I don't want to talk about it.
Dad, would you be more comfortable telling Mathy Cathy? 'Cause, man, I've seen some stuff.
Thank you, Cathy, but no.
LABONZ: Okay, students, Mr.
Ambrose is gonna watch you during study buddy time while I go outside to not smoke several cigarettes.
Okay, do your math or whatever.
I don't know.
You're never gonna use it.
I never use it.
All right, tiny Andy, you want to get into some fraction action? Half of me does.
Zeke, do you want to draw stuff on my arm? Oh, man! Dang, do I ever! Come on.
- Ow.
Not with your pencil! - Give me that arm.
Give it to me! - Ow! Zeke, that hurts! - Come on.
Give it to me! Come on.
Two-thirds plus four-fifths.
The age-old question, huh, Tammy? - Ooh No, thanks.
- Okay.
Jocelyn, braid my hair.
Okay.
Which one? Hey, Louise, your sister told me you had a beef with some homework.
Whoops.
Little mishap.
Okay, Louise, two hours till school's over.
Then you can trade.
You can make it.
(strained): You can make it.
No, you can't.
Hey, Rudy, Large Tommy, Andy, Ollie.
You know how we were gonna do that Burobu trade sesh after school? - Yup.
- Yeah.
-Big time.
What if we go back behind that shelf and do it right now? No way.
We'll get detention and the cards will be confiscated.
- Yeah, they'll get constipated.
- No.
Rudy, come on.
Wow.
That's a powerful argument.
Yeah, okay, I'm in.
Whew, I'm back.
Now let's open up a can of whoop-ass on these fractions, huh, kid? Actually, you'd, uh, really be helping old Cathy out if you read aloud the problems.
So, Tina, Cathy, whatever, look.
We're gonna hit the back corner for a quick Burobu moment, and I need you to be on the lookout.
What? Now? No, we'll get in trouble.
Tina, I'm over here.
Oh.
What? Now? No, we'll get in trouble.
Come on, Tina.
Get my back.
Mathy Cathy would be down with it, right? - Yeah.
She's always down.
- Yeah.
Okay, so if anyone comes, just make a loud fart noise with your face or your butt or whatever feels right.
Let's go.
Come on.
So we're just gonna go read something from a book.
Seems like a waste of time, but, sure, go nuts.
What do I care? I'd rather go home.
- I don't know what I'm doing.
- (nervous groan) MORT: So, Bob, you gonna be ready for Harry's service at my place Tuesday night? Why is it at night, anyway? I think Harry wanted all the other farmers market people to be able to go, after they finish packing their unsold rhubarb.
Ugh.
All the farmer people are gonna be there.
Right! They all saw the incident.
- Lin, stop.
- Incident.
- Wh-What incident? - (sighs) Okay, fine.
I'll tell you.
I bought from Harry for about ten years.
We were friends, farmers market friends.
And then one day, I said maybe his latest bath of sweet pickles was a little too sweet, and he didn't take it well.
He started throwing pickles at me, and I retaliated.
I picked up a pickle and I threw it at that 80-year-old man's face.
Oh, my God.
Is that how he died? No, Teddy, that was four years ago.
He just died recently, remember? Oh, right.
Probably didn't help, though, huh? It's true.
Andy and Ollie, I think you'll be very happy with this Mega Ultra Slugerantula.
I'm gonna rub it on my belly to get my scent on it.
Me, too.
Then we'll be its mom.
Uh, hey, not so much rubbing, okay? Enjoy.
Why do these smell like gasoline? Oh, that's, uh, a new thing.
- Oh, interesting.
- Yeah.
(door opens) Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
- Hey there.
- Oh, God, no.
So, I just wanted to, uh, super casually ask you if you'd heard anything about some faculty folks getting together for a Martini Tuesday kind of thing? - Oh, Martuesdays? Nope.
Sorry.
- I Oh.
Oh.
Because Oh, my God.
This cart of books -has to be anywhere else right now.
- Nuts.
Oh, thank God.
- Ah! Okay.
(weak fart noise) - What the ? Eighth graders, where are all the fourth graders? They're living their lives.
- Tina? Tina? - (weak fart noises) - Where are your study buddies? - Uh Okay, Louise, I guess you've got a deal.
Yes! All nine Slugodactyls are mine.
- Got you! - (kids gasp) I'm taking those cards.
Thanks for telling me, Tina.
(growls) Oh, crap.
Wow, I've never been back here.
Ugh, it's just more books.
Well Louise knew if she brought the Burobu cards to school, she'd get detention and they'd get confiscated and she shouldn't have put Tina in that position.
Yes.
Right.
Yeah, no, true, but then Tina ratted on her.
You never go against the family.
- Never.
- Easy, Don Corleone.
- You mean Don Pepperoni? - You don't understand! Ms.
Labonz made me talk.
Where are they? - Where are your study buddies? - Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! - Where are they? - Uh! Uh! - Hmm.
- Mmm O-Okay, that might be slightly exaggerated.
(growls) (glass squeaking) (whispering): I'm so glad I'm not Tina.
(whispering): Yeah, me, too.
(sighs) Louise, listen.
I'm sorry about what happened, but LOUISE: Oh, can it! You knew how much those cards meant to me, and you ratted anyway! You went against the family, Tina.
Why does everyone keep saying that? Because you're a scaredy-butt banana rat! I think I follow, but what's the banana part about?! - 'Cause you're yella! - Okay, got it! So I'm guessing you two have worked things out? Gene, you're gonna have to choose: Tina or me? I lost one sister today.
Am I gonna lose another? Aah! I won't take sides! I'm like a sexy Switzerland.
Fine.
Then you're both dead to me.
Hmm.
Looks like we're sleeping on the couch.
So, how's your speech for Harry coming, Bob? Yeah, did you work in the part where you hit him in the face with a pickle? No, Teddy.
I was gonna talk about safe stuff.
Like, all his stories about dill.
And you think that's gonna fly? Yeah, Bob, there's gonna be a room full of judgmental farmers watching you.
Not to mention Harry, looking down on you with his deformed face.
I didn't deform his face.
It always looked weird.
You know what you should do, throw in some jokes.
You know? - Pickle jokes.
- Ooh! What if you said something like, "I'm glad everyone could 'cu-come-ber' to the service.
" No.
How about this? "I relish the opportunity to speak here today.
" - Mm-mm.
- You should sing "Danny Boy," but replace the word "pipes" with "pickles," you know? - Oh, my God.
- Eh And off Labonz goes to Tuesday cafeteria duty, right on schedule.
Now, Rudy, all you got to do is stand watch while I pick the lock on her desk and get our cards back.
I don't feel comfortable with this.
Well, you sound ready to go.
Come on.
Ah, wait! (inhales) There she is.
- Hi, Ms.
Labonz.
Uh, may we join you? - Eh? What's going on? Are you two pulling a Clueless and trying to set me up with another teacher? Not interested.
I like firemen, a lot.
A-Actually, Ms.
Labonz, I-I just wanted to ask you if you could return the Burobu cards to the fourth graders? No way.
Not gonna happen.
I'm hearing no with a hint of yes? No! You know where those cards are? In the bureau by my front door in the drawer where I keep the baggies I use to pick up the crap my neighbor's stupid dog, Spritzel, leaves in my front yard, so when I run out of bags, I'm gonna use the cards.
Okay.
Well, that paints a picture.
I looked everywhere nothing.
Maybe she stashed them in the teacher's lounge.
Come on, let's move.
Sneak into the teacher's lounge? Oh, no, I need to sit down.
Oh, Rudy, God.
Where's my inhaler? Where's my inhaler? - It's right You're holding it.
- (wheezing): Oh, my God.
LOUISE: Where are they? AMBROSE: Oh yeah, Labonz is definitely in for tonight.
Martini Tuesdays are the only reason - she's still a teacher.
- Oh! Oh! And my roommate Joyce will be at her dumb kidney donation thingy, so we can be as rowdy as we want.
- What about Frond? - Yeah, does he know? Ugh, why does that buzzkill want to come, anyway? He doesn't even drink, which is amazing since he has so many reasons to.
- (laughing) - (Rudy inhales) BRANCA: Did you hear that? - Ugh, Branca, again? - It wasn't me.
LINDA: Okay, we're leaving.
Wish your father good luck with his Harry pickle eulogy.
BOTH: Good luck with your Harry pickle eulogy.
I feel like we say that too much.
If Labonz doesn't have the cards at school, where could they be? Louise, I don't know if I expressed this enough, - but this is literally killing me.
- TINA: Louise? I just wanted to say that I tried to get the cards back from Ms.
Labonz, but she said no.
But don't worry.
They're in a safe place.
I mean, not really, they're in the drawer by her front door, and she's gonna use them to pick up her neighbor's dog Spritzel's poop.
But, hey, forget that.
Let's just work on rebuilding our relationship.
Oh, great, there you are.
Should we hug or something? Wait, why do you have your lock-picking kit? Rudy, the cards are at Labonz's.
We know she's not there 'cause it's Martini Tuesday.
Meet me at her house, stat.
We're a go.
- RUDY: Okay, I've been - Uh-oh.
Louise? Louise! No go! No go! Aah! - Gene come on! - What's going on? I may have accidentally told Louise exactly where Ms.
Labonz has the Burobu cards in her house and now Louise is going over there to break in! Aah! She'll go to jail! What will I wear to visit her? You can't wear stripes, so that's out.
So, Bob, you'll be batting cleanup.
You feel loose? (whispering): You look terrible.
- Thanks.
- Wait, is the urn a pickle jar? MORT: Yes, it is.
Did he want that or did you just run out of urns? I think it's safe to assume it's what he would have wanted.
Hello.
How are you? Oh, God, I feel like everybody's looking at me.
Nah.
I bet they all forgot.
Yeah, I know.
He has some nerve showing up here.
They're probably talking about someone else.
What he did to Harry's face with that pickle That-that could be anybody.
And now he's here in a wrinkled suit with his fly open.
Okay, that's you.
Oh, God.
Should I zip it? Don't give 'em the satisfaction.
LOUISE: Okay, looks like nobody's home.
This is what they mean by peer pressure.
This is everything they warned me about in that after school special, Peers of a Clown.
Stop.
You can't do this.
And I can't do this.
My thighs are thundering.
This is breaking and entering, Louise.
It's a crime.
Well, it's your fault I have to crime this crime in the first place.
GENE: - Someone's coming! - Hide.
- Aah! What the hell are they doing here? Sorry we had to come here because my dumb roommate, Joyce, wasn't a match for the kidney donation and now she's just sitting on the couch with all her kidneys, ruining everything.
BRANCA: It's okay.
Labonz has got that sweet backyard.
They're going to the backyard.
Let's go.
(whispering): Or we could just leave.
Oh, you're going that way.
Okay.
Who wants to play a drinking game? BRANCA: Oh! Oh! Me, me, me, me, me! (gasps) Our Burobu cards.
Bastards.
Hey there.
I'm Alfred.
Leafy greens.
I've known Harry a long time.
Our booths were right next to each other.
He was a good man, a proud man, and when you got him talking about dill, well, his face just lit up.
It's so beautiful.
And I'm, I'm, I'm glad we could all be here, even if one of us committed an unforgivable act for which he should be ashamed.
- Okay.
- Mm.
Hi.
Hi, hello.
We're divorced.
LABONZ: Ha! Branca, your slug has the lowest health points.
Slug it.
This is a disgrace.
They don't even know the rules.
Well, nobody does.
- Rudy, just shush.
- Sorry.
They're not acting that different.
Are they always drunk? If only we could distract them, get them out of the yard for a second, and we had a rope or something.
Then we could tie it around my waist, I could climb up this tree, and you guys could lower me down and I could grab the cards.
Man, if only we had a rope.
Too bad.
(gasps) There was a hose in the front yard.
- Damn.
- I'll go get it.
You guys think of a way to distract them.
Are we talking streaking? Shall I disrobe? Huh? Mr.
Frond? Aah! Huh? Are you stalking Martini Tuesday? (laughing): N-No.
That would be psychotic.
Okay, I am.
It's just (sighs) why didn't they invite me? Is that a rhetorical question or ? Just because I don't drink and I go to bed early and I told them all - I'm concerned about their drinking.
- Uh-huh.
They don't think I'm cool enough? Well, would a guy who's not cool enough go home every night and put on Best Dance Music of the '90s and dance his little heart out? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I know how we can distract I mean, how you can show them that you're cool.
- You do? Wait, why are you here? - Let's focus on you.
By any chance, do you have any music with you now? - Uh, you tell me.
- Oh, my God.
TINA: Is that Mr.
Frond? What's Louise doing? Is she his dealer? You really think this will work? - I never said that.
- Wait, what? Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Just play the music, cool guy.
(humming and grunting) ("Groove Is in the Heart" by Deee-Lite playing) - Oh, my.
- What is that? Every dance move in the world? Go, go, go, go! Come on, take the bait.
- What the hell? - The chills that you spill It's Frond.
He's outside.
And I think he's dancing? Let's hit it.
And here's the cards for the switch out.
What? Louise.
Your Mega Ultras.
Wait, aren't those cards fake? - Gene! - I mean, hello.
Your groove I do deeply dig No walls, only the bridge My supper dish My succotash wish Lower.
Lower.
(whispering): We're out of hose.
And also, bros before hose.
Arms too tiny.
Pull me up! Pull me up! I couldn't ask for another Pew, pew, pew, pew.
I couldn't ask for another Pew, pew, pew, pew.
Well, shucks.
What? No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Tina, I need your freakishly long arms to grab those cards.
Louise, Th-Th-these cards are making you crazy.
- I'm not crazy! - Aah! No, not at all.
Here I go.
(nervous groaning) (all groaning) Groove is in the heart Ah (laughs) I'm gonna get my drink.
You keep filming.
Aah! Oh, hey, Ms.
Labonz.
You come here, too? Tina, why are you hanging from a garden hose in my backyard? I can see why you'd ask that.
That's fair.
I bet this is a bath salts thing.
- Hi, Mr.
Branca.
- Hi, Tina.
Wait a minute.
Is this about getting those damn Burobu cards back? Did Louise put you up to this? I know you're there, Louise.
Oh, God, I'm feeling too dru I got to get down.
- Groove is in the heart - (panting): Are they coming? They're not coming.
You know what? Screw 'em.
Where's the groove, Phillip? It's in your heart.
It's in your heart.
I'm gonna go treat myself to some low-fat fro-yo from the gas station.
So long, suckers! Tina, I know you didn't do this alone.
Who put you up to this? Give her a martini.
Then she'll talk.
Tina, tell me now.
It-it was it-it was - me.
- What? It was all me.
Did Louise try to stop me? Sure.
She was like, "No, Tina, it's too dangerous," and I was all, "Pfft.
I am dangerous.
" And then what did she say? Well, she was pretty blown away at that point.
So you were gonna climb up that hose by yourself? Oh, um, yup.
Really? I teach you in gym.
Okay, Tina.
Do it.
Y-Yup, no problem.
Oh, no.
This is gonna go so badly.
I got to come clean.
(Tina grunting) - (whispering): She's doing it.
- What? (grunting) - It's so awkward.
- Yeah.
(grunting) Ah, I made it.
Like I, uh, knew I would the whole time.
That's inspiring.
That's inspiring.
Very good.
You forgot the dumb cards, by the way.
Also, principal's office, first thing tomorrow.
I'm calling in sick, so don't forget.
Um, hello.
Uh, some of the stuff I was gonna talk about, uh, kind of already got covered.
You know, like the dill stuff.
I-I was gonna anyway Uh (clears throat) Oh, God.
He's bombing.
Do the jokes.
(whispering): Yes.
Oh, God.
Um, well I'm-I'm glad everybody could "cu-come-ber" to this service.
(Linda and Mort laugh) (sighs) Right.
And I, uh, I-I relish the support - Boo! - Hey.
You can't boo a eulogy.
Sure you can.
Boo! Look, everybody, Harry started it, okay? He threw first.
You called his pickles too sweet.
What'd you think was gonna happen? Well, they were too sweet.
I was the only one who was brave enough to say it.
Anyway, I wish I hadn't thrown the dumb pickle, okay? - Everybody happy? - ALFRED: No.
Well, what am I supposed to do about it now, Leafy Greens? - Apologize.
- What? Apologize to Harry.
- Yeah.
Apologize to the urn.
- Yeah.
(sighs) Oh, my God.
Fine! Uh, hi, Harry.
So, sorry I hit you in the face with a pickle.
(voice breaking): Truth is, I miss you, pal.
(clears throat) I, uh I miss us.
(crying): I didn't think I was gonna get like this.
(whispering): Oh, he's crying.
Now he's crying.
Wait, what's go what's going on? It was stipulated in the will that I do this to you.
- Ow.
- And then I was supposed to say, "Now we're even.
Love you, buddy.
" Wow.
That felt right.
I-I love you, too, Harry.
(to the tune of "Danny Boy"): Oh, Harry boy The pickles The pickles are calling.
Tina, I can't believe you did all that.
I mean, I can't move my arms now, but yeah.
You didn't make it look easy, but you did it.
Good day to wear underpants.
Boy, too bad about the cards, though.
You mean these? - (grunts) - (gasps) Our Burobu cards! And they've got bra on them.
You made the switch out? I took a sip of a martini, too.
Well, that was more Mathy Cathy than me, but we're both not into it.
Stay in school.
(sighs) Well, I guess if we're being all in-your-face heroic today Here, Rudy.
I want to give your Slugodactyl card back.
The card I traded for it is fake.
I guess I probably should have known.
The smell made me sick and I think it had a Minion on it.
I'll give the other guys their cards back, too.
And, Tina, I'm sorry I called you a scaredy-butt banana rat.
You're not.
Your butt is strong.
- Mathy Cathy's, too.
- Thanks.
(grunts) From both of us.
Rudy, do you want to have a moment with me like that? Uh, yeah, sure, I'll have a moment.
- Pull my finger.
- You got it, mister.
- Rudy, don't.
Rudy.
- Huh, what? - (grunts) There's only one way to win this fight Beat the other guy The one rule to climbing the highest heights Is to climb up really high Burobu - KIDS: Slugaconda! - Burobu Slugstronaut! - Burobu - Slugvertible! - Burobu - Slugicopter! Slugsaphone! - Burobu - Slugodactyl! Sluggy Stardust! - Burobu - Slugatomic! - Slugpreme! - Burobu.