Frasier s08e20 Episode Script

[DAPHNE LAUGHING.]
DAPHNE: Hello.
NILES: Hey.
Ah, the weekend warriors have returned.
You better watch out, Dr.
Crane.
I'm getting pretty good at kickboxing.
It's true, it's true.
She hits so hard, they call her the British Pound.
You hit pretty hard yourself there, Nails.
I'm gonna hop in the shower.
- Nails? - Oh, you scratch one guy Oh, my electrolytes are plummeting.
Care to join me in a sherry? Well, actually, I'd love to, Niles, but I'm off to see Dr.
Tewksbury.
Oh.
I didn't realise your mentor was still in town.
Yes, and because of it, I've been the recipient of some informal therapy.
It's really been quite enlightening.
You know, I consider myself lucky to be in the hands of such a master.
NILES: Mm.
Well, I'm happy for you, Frasier.
He is a gifted psychiatrist.
Even if I don't share your godlike worship of him.
Well, I simply have a healthy respect for the man, Niles.
It's hardly worship.
Oh, please.
You're one step away from seeing his image appear in a tortilla.
- Niles, thank heavens you're still here.
- Uh, what's wrong? - You can't go to Nervosa today.
- Why not? I had a psychic vision that something bad's gonna happen to you.
- Oh, come on, Daphne.
- Niles, I'm serious.
I know you don't believe in visions, but it's important to me.
Promise me you won't go.
Well, all right, if it means that much to you, I won't go.
- I'll go straight home.
- Thank you.
I feel much better.
I'll see you later.
Wow, that was scary.
Don't tell me you believe in that stuff.
No, I mean the way she can manipulate you like that.
Oh.
Please, I was just being diplomatic.
FRASIER: Is it difficult to kickbox without a spine? NILES: You're gonna find out.
- Hello, Frasier.
- Oh, hi, Roz.
Oh, been on a shopping spree, I see.
Yes, Alice is visiting her grandmother for the week.
- So I finally have some time to myself.
- Oh.
It is great shopping without her pulling down a display rack.
Not only that, I actually woke up today without someone jumping on my bed and sticking her little fingers up my nose.
And I didn't have to spend half the morning combing knots out of that little girl's curls.
- Give Alice my love.
- Thank you, I will.
Psst.
Frasier.
- Can you get me a latte? - Well Why don't you just get it yourself, Niles? Oh, that's right.
It's bad mugambo for you to enter.
You know I promised Daphne.
Yes, yes, and woe betide he who disobeyeth the oracle.
Oh, all right, all right, all right.
Wait, wait.
Maybe if I get it to go and don't actually sit down, then I won't be breaking my promise.
Step aside, everybody.
Big set of onions coming through.
NILES: Latte to go, please.
Hello, Frasier.
Dr.
Tewksbury.
Well, uh Gosh, this is quite a surprise.
What are you doing here? I've heard you mention how good their coffee is here.
- I thought I'd give it a try.
- Oh - May I join you? - Oh, yes, yes, of course.
I'm terribly sorry.
Oh, Roz, uh, meet Dr.
Tewksbury.
- This is my producer, Roz Doyle.
ROZ: Hi.
And my brother, Niles.
Niles, Dr.
Tewksbury.
- How do you do? - Hello.
I don't believe we've ever met, but I seem to recall reading a fascinating paper of yours recently.
Oh, yes, it was probably the one about phobias.
Oh, can't sit, can't sit.
Oh Uh Uh It's a long story, uh Anyway, uh, Dr.
Tewksbury, uh, I was just wondering, did you read the article on behaviour modification? Now, Frasier, let's not talk shop.
You don't want to bore Roz.
Oh, it's all just white noise to me now.
Yes, all right.
Niles, please, would you stop hovering and just sit down, hmm? Uh, all right.
What can it hurt? - Niles.
- Daphne! How could you come down here? - You broke your promise.
- And my patella.
Well, nothing bad would have happened if you'd paid attention to my premonition.
Well, actually, nothing bad would have happened if you hadn't shown up.
It wouldn't have not happened had I not shown up.
Wouldn't not have happened if you hadn't not shown up.
I wouldn't have shown had I not known you wouldn't be able to not come here.
Well, I'm not Not Not What? My point exactly.
You don't listen.
- Daphne.
Oh.
Ooh.
- Niles.
Niles, you all right? Oh.
No, I've aggravated my old bossa nova injury.
Well, perhaps I'd better drive you.
- I'm sorry, Dr.
Tewksbury.
- I understand.
- Bye, Roz.
- Bye.
Well, heh-heh, what was that all about? Well, she thinks she's psychic, but he doesn't believe her.
Well, no matter who's right or wrong, Niles needs to set up stricter boundaries with his patients.
I learned that from years of practise.
No.
No, she's not his patient.
She's his girlfriend.
Oh, well, in that case, no matter who's right or wrong, he's wrong.
I learned that from years of marriage.
[ROZ CHUCKLES.]
There anything I can get you, Niles? How about a cold pack, perhaps? No, no.
If Daphne ever comes out of her room, I'll just use her icy stare.
If you don't mind, I'm gonna have to cancel on the opera tonight.
Oh, Niles, you know I hate going to the opera alone.
Throwing a woman's shawl over the seat next to me and glancing expectantly back at the ladies' room all night.
- You do that? - No.
Hey, why don't you ask Dr.
Tewksbury - if he'd like to go? - Oh Ever since his divorce, I'm sure he's anxious to get out of the house.
Well, we're in a quasi-therapeutic relationship right now.
And truth be told, I was uncomfortable socialising with him at Nervosa.
Oh.
Well, I understand.
You don't want to see the wizard behind the curtain.
Everyone needs an idol, someone who represents a higher plateau of truth and knowledge.
That's very insightful, Niles.
For so many years, I must have represented that plateau to you.
Thank you, Frasier.
Laughter is indeed the best medicine.
[DOOR OPENS, THEN FOOTSTEPS.]
Oh, Daphne.
Uh, my knee is feeling much better.
Oh, good.
Well, I hope she doesn't expect me to run in there after her.
- Good for you, Niles.
- With this knee, I can only hobble.
Daphne, I'm sorry.
Are you sorry for breaking your promise or for not believing me? I'm sorry for breaking my promise.
You don't believe I had a premonition? - Well, it wasn't a premonition.
- It certainly was.
I told you if you went to Nervosa something bad would happen, and you hurt your knee.
What more proof do you need? Something a little more scientific than that, I'm afraid.
You need scientific proof? Well, I think we can do something about that.
What do you mean? There are people around who do this sort of research.
Are those people here now? - No.
- Ow.
I'm talking about legitimate professionals.
Well, uh All right.
All right.
But it has to be a real scientist.
Not some huckster who comes here with crystals and a ghost-o-meter.
As long as you have an open mind.
And it's pronounced ghostometers.
- I'm glad we worked this out.
- Me too.
And now that we've made up, maybe we could, mm Mm Well, I guess we know who's not psychic.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Frasier.
I thought you were the pizza guy.
I thought we were writing promos tonight.
- You forgot, didn't you? - No.
Yes.
I'm sorry.
[IN SING-SONG VOICE.]
Pizza, we're gonna have pizza.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Frasier.
Hello.
What are you doing here? Oh, just, uh, wearing clothes.
Oh, right.
Ha-ha.
Frasier brought over some work from the office.
Ah.
I'll just go get dressed.
I've gone blind.
And ten seconds too late.
Ha-ha.
So since when have you and Dr.
Tewksbury been seeing each other? Well, um, the other day at Nervosa, we really hit it off after you left, and, uh, he asked me to dinner.
And we've been out every night since.
Really? Well, I must say, I'm a bit surprised.
Why? He's smart.
Very insightful.
And he's such a great listener.
Yes, well, I'm happy for you, Roz.
It's just a little difficult imagining the two of you together.
You don't think I can appreciate a sophisticated man? You know, it's not just about sex for me, Frasier.
Uh, do you have a stepladder? My pants are stuck in the ceiling fan.
Frasier, listen, before we begin, I hope it wasn't too awkward seeing me with Roz last night.
Not at all.
It's just a little jarring to see you out of context that way.
- Yeah.
- It's just But your personal life is your business.
Speaking of which, let's get down to business.
- The Crane mind.
- Yes, let us.
Now, last time we had just broached the subject of your father's expectations and their effect on your early adulthood.
As we know, ahem, the internalisation of a parent's moral code is crucial to the development of the superego.
And considering your father's strictness Frasier, is everything all right? Yes, yes, of course.
Of course.
Please, continue.
You must admit that having a father whose very occupation is the enforcement of the moral code would lead to an overdeveloped superego.
I believe I have a paper on this subject.
It's right here.
- Oh, hey, Dad.
- Hey.
How was your day? Why don't you just tell me what happened to you? - What are you talking about? - Well, you know how my day goes.
Play with Eddie, watch TV, do my stretches.
You only ask so I'll ask you about your day, so I'm asking.
I am hurt.
You're my father.
Of course I care about your day.
Oh, well, uh, I played with Eddie, uh, watched TV, did my stretches.
Ah.
Good.
- So how? - I just came from Dr.
Tewksbury.
Throughout the entire session, I just couldn't focus on anything he was saying.
Wasn't he talking about you? Yes, yes, but recently, I saw him in Well, a less than dignified light.
And, uh, ever since, I've just found it impossible to take him seriously.
I know exactly what you're talking about.
In Korea, I had this commanding officer, Lieutenant Franks.
I would have followed that guy into the gates of hell.
I saw him a few years later.
He was flipping hamburgers in a fast-food place.
Now, that was hard to handle.
I mean, this guy took me under his wing and moulded me.
- Like a mentor.
- Yeah, exactly.
He always used to say that one day he'd be taking orders from me.
Just never thought it would be for extra onions.
So how did you handle it? Well, I just realised that it was my problem, not his.
And I wasn't going to let that erase all he meant to me.
So I just marched right back into that kitchen and saluted him.
And after we were talking for a while, I realised nothing had changed.
He was still the same hard-charging man's man who wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty.
Which is why I never ate there again.
Uh, if you two don't mind, Daphne's psychic evaluator is on the way over, and we'd like to use the living room.
Fine with me.
That stuff creeps me out anyway.
Niles, I still can't believe you ever agreed to this.
Those tests are based on nothing more than subjective evidence and lucky guesses.
Yes, not at all like the subjective evidence and lucky guesses psychiatry is based on.
Thank you.
Don't worry, I will thoroughly appraise the examiner and his testing methods.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Good luck.
- That'll be him.
Come in.
I'm Dr.
Niles Crane.
This is Daphne Moon.
- Hello.
- Hello.
I'm Dr.
Sheldon Morey.
Hmm.
Oh, a doctor.
Doctor of? Spookology.
- Kidding.
- Aha.
- It's just what most people expect.
- Heh-heh.
Actually, I'm a professor of psychiatry at Seattle University.
- Really? Well, please, have a seat.
- Mm.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.
- So, hmm, you're more of a debunker.
Well, no, not at all.
Actually, I apply scientific method to the search for paranormal phenomena.
Believe me, nothing would make me happier than discovering a legitimate psychic.
Oh, so you've never found one.
Well, if by psychic you mean people with above normal prescience, then a few.
If you mean somebody who can beat the house in Vegas, then no.
I thought I had one for a while, but, uh, no.
So, Daphne, you still wanna go through with this? - I'm ready if you are.
- All right.
Doctor, she's all yours.
Great.
Now, I've got a card Ace of spades.
With my office and fax number on it.
And your address.
[CHUCKLING.]
Correct.
Star.
Circle.
And finally Circle.
That's it.
That was your final test.
And I'm psychic, right? First we have to compare your results to those of the rest of the control group.
It'll just take me a few minutes here to run these numbers, okay? So how do you think you did? I think I did pretty well on the cards.
The premonition test was a little tricky, but all in all, I was in the zone.
Well, we'll soon find out.
You know, Daphne, I'm always curious.
When was it that you first suspected you had psychic ability? Oh, years ago when I was a little girl.
Grammy Moon first saw the gift in me.
See, I was a girl in a house full of boys, which I hated.
Until Grammy told me that only Moon women had second sight.
She had it, her mother had it, and so on.
After that, I began noticing I could sense things before they happened.
Sort of like a secret power.
Anyway, it's always just been a part of who I am.
I see.
Well, we have your results.
All right.
I don't know why, I'm a bit nervous.
- So, Daphne, from what I see here - Wait.
Uh, wait.
I don't think we should do this.
I don't wanna know.
DAPHNE: What do you mean? - I'm sorry.
I think this was a bad idea.
Well, I thought you wanted scientific proof.
I changed my mind.
I don't need a stranger telling me anything about who you are.
I want us to get to know each other on our own, over time.
I knew you were gonna say that.
- You did? - No.
But I loved hearing it.
I'm sorry, Dr.
Morey, we've wasted your time.
It's okay.
Dog told me a couple of funny jokes while we were waiting.
- I'm kidding.
NILES: Oh.
They weren't that funny.
TEWKSBURY: All right, Frasier, let's start with our last session.
As I recall, you were having difficulty getting rid of a certain image in your mind.
- That is correct.
- Mm-hm.
Well, perhaps we should confront that.
Oh, dear Lord.
I assumed that was Roz's.
It is.
I was at her apartment this morning.
I started thinking about your issue with the robe, and I decided to bring it with me.
Now, Frasier, ahem, you consider me a competent psychiatrist, don't you? Of course I do.
Does seeing me dressed like this diminish that? No.
Of course not.
It's just, well, I know on a conscious level, that the garment does not change who you are.
But on an unconscious level, I'm all weirded out.
I mean, you're my mentor and you're wearing Roz's robe.
- I'm still the same person.
- Yes, but it's Roz's robe.
And what does Roz's robe signify to you? - Roz.
- Well Then maybe this isn't about you and me.
Maybe this is about your relationship with Roz.
Seeing me dressed like this brings up deep feelings.
Don't be afraid of those feelings.
Go with them.
Ah, Peterson.
Here for your makeup test? I was, but I'll just take the D.
[TEWKSBURY CLEARS THROAT.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- Oh, Frasier.
- Hi.
You got a minute? We're not supposed to be working, are we? Because I'm kind of busy right now.
- It's not about work.
- Oh, come on in.
- Have a seat.
- Thanks.
Listen, uh Something's been troubling me ever since I saw Dr.
Tewksbury in your robe.
And, uh, at first I thought it was about the toppling of a hero.
But I've since discovered that it's really about you.
Oh.
Let me guess.
I'm not good enough for your precious mentor.
No, no, that's not it, Roz.
Uh When you were describing what attracted you to Dr.
Tewksbury, I couldn't help thinking that that very well could have been me.
So? So, Roz, I've known you for what, eight years now? And in all that time, I've seen you date hundreds of men.
- Careful.
- Oh, all right.
Dozens of men.
Yet you never showed any interest in me.
Well, except for that one drunken flirtation at the station retreat.
[ROZ SNORTING.]
Well, anyway, I just assumed that it was because I wasn't your type.
Then I see you drawn to someone who's similar to me.
- You're jealous? - Well, no, not jealous.
Not exactly.
It's more along the lines of, uh, why everybody else and not me? Frasier, did you ever stop to think there may be something special about not being picked? That didn't work when I was cut from pee-wee football, it's not gonna work now.
Okay, I'll be honest with you.
When we first started working together, I had a little crush on you.
- Really? - Yeah.
Sure.
I mean, you were handsome and sophisticated, and you had your French suits and your Italian shoes.
Actually, it was vice versa, but, go on, go on.
But you were coming off this divorce, and you were my boss, and the whole thing was just too weird, so I never acted on it.
And you were right.
You were, but Anyway, it's nice to know how you felt.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
So just for the record though, you did have the hots for me? Yes.
Yes.
- You're not just saying that? - No.
All right, all right.
Can you imagine the two of us together? Gosh, no.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
- Strange idea, isn't it? - Really strange.
Gosh, it's pretty hard to picture, isn't it? Of course, it wouldn't be your problem.
It would be all me.
Trust me.
All me.
I mean, you're a perfectly wonderful person.
- What are you doing? - I'm saying how great you are.
No, you're giving me the "it's not you, it's me" speech.
If anyone should be giving that speech, it's me, not you.
- Whatever you have to tell yourself.
- All right, get out.
Sounds to me like somebody still has a soft spot for the old boss man.
Out! [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]