Roseanne s08e20 Episode Script

What a great way to end an incredible week.
The movie was terrific.
That was the longest you've ever let me use the armrest.
You did eat some of my milk duds.
Oh, I love this time of day.
Yeah, it's pretty.
You know, you can say what you want about the sulfides from the paper mill, But it sure makes for a beautiful sunset.
Have I thanked you enough for helping me get that job in Chicago? Yes, David.
And we got a great apartment, right? - i'm so psyched to see it.
- oh, you're going to love your room.
Except i'm going to have to get in there every morning to brush my teeth.
Well, there's so much to think about.
I mean, should we each buy our own food? Should we split the utilities? Should we have separate phone lines? You know, um Or we could just get married.
( chuckles ) yeah right.
To who? No, I mean, come on.
There's a lot advantages to being married, right? Oh, I get it.
You mean so we can get all the gifts and money from our friends.
Our friends? The only thing we'd get from them is beer and mono.
David.
You're serious about this, aren't you? Yeah, I am.
Oh my god.
Wait a minute.
Ha ha, okay.
Now you're going to tell me you're kidding, right? Nope, now i'm gonna tell you i'm pregnant.
( theme music playing ) ( Roseanne laughing ) Pregnant? You mean, like Pregnant? Yes, David.
You've knocked me up.
How? When? When? Disneyworld.
Oh my god.
You mean that night after the fireworks? Well, either that or it truly is a magic kingdom.
Wow.
- what are we gonna do? - oh, don't worry.
You know, getting married and having a baby can't change things that much.
I kind of wanted a dog first.
Oh, it'll be okay.
I'm still gonna finish school And by getting married I can get on your health coverage.
Our car insurance will go down.
We'll be in line for married-student housing.
I mean, it just makes sense, you know? It wouldn't have to be a big dog.
Come on, let's go tell everybody inside and get this over with.
Whoa whoa, slow down.
You mean tell everyone in there? Darlene, couldn't we wait a few months? I mean, then they would just think you were getting fat.
They gotta be expecting that.
So then when we do tell them, They'll just go, "oh good, she's not getting fat.
" All right, we don't have to tell them yet.
Now take a deep breath and try not to look so pasty.
We'll just-- We'll tell them the movie we just saw affected me profoundly.
Okay, let's go inside.
You ready? ( chuckles ) - after you Daddy.
- ( groans ) What the hell are those? They're cornish game hens.
I bought them off this guy That was selling them off the back of his truck Down at the gas station parking lot.
It's the very same guy That I bought our stereo speakers from last week.
Hey, you guys are just in time for dinner.
Grab a plate.
Sit down here, David.
Next to you? Yeah.
Come tell me about your new job As a graphic artist there.
David, congratulations on the job.
Is it on computer or do you just draw by hand? Uh, thanks, i'm fine.
( chuckles ) I guess you're pretty excited about moving to Chicago, huh? Uh, uh-huh.
Of course, that means i'll have to move to Chicago.
Uh, i'm confused.
They're some kind of tiny chicken.
We didn't know what they were either.
No, I don't think that's it, d.
J.
David's just a little excited About his new job.
Isn't that right, David? The movie affected me profoundly.
David, why don't you let me sit there? - you've been hogging mom long enough.
- okay good, here.
Uh, but you should sit somewhere, you know? What's up? I smell fear.
I love that smell, but what's up? Nothing's up.
God.
Hey d.
J.
, that's a great shirt.
Where'd you get it? My closet.
Oh, now I think something is up.
Yeah, i've seen enough of that "murder she wrote" To figure that out.
Let's see here.
David is pale And kind of weak-kneed and all nervous, So there's no clues there.
But Darlene wants to sit next to me And she said something nice to her brother.
Ooh, I wonder.
I know.
You're pregnant! ( all laughing ) That was my joke guess! We're also getting married.
( silverware clatters ) Well I'm-- i'm-- I'm excited for you guys.
I think it's great.
Dan! We're gonna be grandparents.
Isn't that great? I'm getting one of those sweatshirts that says "world's greatest grandma" on it, you know? And you can go out and get yourself, I don't know, Like a cane or something.
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
Good good good good good.
( chuckles ) wow.
Well, thanks, Mrs.
Conner.
Really wasn't the reaction I was expecting.
Yeah, me neither.
Guess you peed your pants for nothing.
Dan? - Dan! - what? Oh, i'm just trying to figure out how to go about eating this thing.
Well, I think it's good That Darlene is getting pregnant, 'cause-- getting married 'cause she-- She's pregnant.
And that's just what I did.
D.
J.
, stop staring at me.
( groans ) babies having babies.
Well, i'm nauseous.
I was wondering when that would hit me.
- what the hell is wrong with you? - what do you mean? Roseanne, Darlene says That she has to get married because she's pregnant And all you can say is that you're happy? Are you insane? Jackie, d.
J.
Maybe it would be best if you left now.
Okey-doke.
What about my little chicken? He's gonna get cold.
We're eating them in the car.
What are you going to say to me, Dan? Well, the only reason I didn't start yelling Is 'cause I was waiting for you and you didn't start yelling.
And it's too late now.
Well, that's 'cause it's happened And there is nothing we can do about it.
Yeah, so what? Let's be happy? Why not? Our daughter's throwing her life away.
Well no, actually, I think we're making a little progress in this family.
Becky got married when she was 17.
I was only 18.
At last, a conner woman is mature enough To put it off until she's 19 years old.
No way are they ready to have a baby.
No way.
Well, I don't know.
I can't think of a better mother for a child Than David.
I can't believe it.
You're not even shocked by this.
I mean, what is it with this family? Nothing could ever be easy.
Nothing ever goes the way it's supposed to.
I think you'd better just calm down.
No, why should I calm down, damn it? Because we can be angry And that will have no effect whatsoever, Or we can be happy And that will have no effect whatsoever either.
So why don't we just be parents and support them? Well, there goes $5 worth Of fancy hens down the drain.
Tv announcer: You're pretty mad at me, aren't you? Nope.
Well, you're chewing like you're mad.
Sorry.
I'll try to chew happier.
Mr.
Conner, I know this whole me-and-Darlene thing Is very very weird, Especially after all you've been through with Mark and Becky, but-- But you want it to be different.
Fine, okay, whatever.
( tv announcer talking ) So how mad are you? I'm pretty damn mad.
From now on, people are eating straight out of the pan.
So you're okay about this whole me-and-Darlene thing? I mean, I know you said you were, but so did Mr.
Conner And he's obviously not.
Yeah, pretty weird, huh? Ever since I had that baby, I don't know, Things don't bother me as much.
I'm just happier.
You're a lucky lucky boy, David.
- thanks, Mrs.
Conner.
- yeah.
I'll tell you how to handle Mr.
Conner.
You just stay on his right side.
That's his blind spot.
So how are you doing, David? Okay I guess.
It's kind of interesting Having all of your major life changes happen in one day.
Yeah, I think I can pretty much relate to that.
I remember this one Tuesday, They canceled "card sharks" And they introduced The chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream The very same day.
Whoa.
You worried about the baby? Actually, i'm more worried about me and Darlene.
Something's just-- I don't know.
When she asked me to marry her-- Oh, she asked you? That's cute.
No, Mrs.
Conner, it wasn't cute.
I felt like she was proposing some sort of business deal or something.
It had nothing to do with love.
Well, then i'm impressed.
That means Darlene knows what marriage is really all about.
Oh, David, come on.
You know she loves you.
Maybe it's just that I pictured it different.
I mean, I thought I would tell Darlene I had a big surprise for her And we would hop in the car And drive down to that underpass near route 10 Where we first-- I'm just-- i'm not sure that this is how we should be starting a marriage.
Oh, David.
( sighs ) You know, this is-- granted, it's a lot to handle, You know, all at once.
But i'm sure Darlene has got a lot of things Going through her mind too.
And you guys are gonna work it all out.
Everything will be okay, David.
- hey.
- hey, how are you doing? Pregnant, how about you? You wanting something to eat? Can I make you a peanut butter and frito sandwich? That's okay, mom.
I'm not really craving weird pregnancy food yet.
No, I was making it for me.
You want one? Sure.
Here, have this one.
You're staring.
It's so bizarre that you're going to be a mother.
Yeah well, it won't be official until I chew through the cord.
You aren't gonna believe the stuff it's gonna do to your body.
Of course, you know, i'm gonna be there beside you the whole time Laughing and pointing.
No, but you really are not gonna believe The way everything's gonna change, you know? The way stuff smells, even the way it tastes.
Like, when I was pregnant with Becky I had a craving to eat dirt.
Get out.
Then when I was pregnant with you I couldn't get enough of your dad's smell-- That intoxicating blend Of motor oil, aqua velva, And corn nuts.
Way too much detail.
So i'm assuming that you have considered All the options open to you, You know, having to do with the pregnancy and everything.
Yeah, I know the options.
And? And I want the baby.
I want it more than i've ever wanted anything.
Is that so hard to believe? Well yeah, a little bit.
I mean, I remember when you were eight And you wanted to get a vasectomy.
And then even after we told you what it was You still wanted one.
Yeah, well i'm not eight anymore And I want the baby.
So let's just drop it, okay? Okay, fine.
You're having a baby and you're getting married.
Cool.
I'm not gonna say another thing about it.
Do you have any idea what a mega amount of crap That's gonna be to deal with, Darlene? Are you ready for that? Mom, why are you doing this to me? I mean, do you think there's a single thing that you could say That I haven't thought about, like, 1000 times? Well, you know, you'll have to excuse me.
I might be in a little bit of shock here.
I know.
I know everybody is looking at me And thinking, like, "oh, darlene's getting married? Darlene's gonna have a baby?" I mean, hell, even I said it.
But you know, when I found out That there was, like, this life going through me I don't know, I just feel, like Different.
Happier.
Yeah, well, I know all about that euphoria thing.
I've had four children.
I felt that three times.
Well, I mean, remember when I was in high school And I had that, like, dark depressed funk that I was in? By the way, sorry about that.
I don't know, it's just, like, Life is not as hard as I made it out to be.
Yeah, well Having a baby is really hard Under the very best of circumstances, Darlene.
You've got a really tough road ahead of you.
I know that.
And that's why i'm preparing for it now.
With summer school I can still graduate on time.
And david's got a full-time job, So the baby will be covered on his insurance.
And I just put in for a copywriting job That I can do part-time at home.
Hmm.
Sounds like you're more prepared than I ever was.
Yeah, and to be honest, I couldn't do any of this if we weren't getting married.
And there's a lot of benefits that come with that.
Besides, you know, I love David, so it's not like there's-- Whoa whoa whoa.
Okay, you know, that last little part there About you love David, you know? You'd better go find him and tell him that.
David knows that I love him.
No, Darlene, I was talking to him And he really needs to hear that, okay? Okay.
Hey, I want you to know something else too.
You know, I am You know, totally happy for you.
And i'm gonna be here for you.
Do not start to cry.
Well, I mean, it is pretty cool To see my little baby A grown-up and responsible woman.
So go find your fiance.
Whew.
( theme music playing ) So I figure it was on the tram Somewhere between the dumbo ride And the alien encounter.
Not funny, Roseanne.
Oh, come on, Dan.
Our daughter got pregnant at disneyworld.
When else do you get the chance to put that in your christmas newsletter? You know, I always figured that Darlene was gonna make it, Rosie.
You know? I thought Darlene was gonna be the one.
It's her last year of college-- All these big job offers and now this.
She's still gonna make it, Dan.
She'll just have big bags under her eyes And cheerios in her hair.
It's not what she planned, honey.
It's not what she wanted.
It's not what I wanted for her.
Okay, well I was out there talking to her, you know? And she, like, totally blew my mind, Dan.
She's thought it all through.
She's got it all planned out.
Yeah, I know, but they're not ready to have kids.
Couldn't they have waited until they had some more money? Until they had any money? Well, if we would have waited until we had money, We never would have had any kids.
And then who would we have sent to the store to buy our cigarettes? Yeah, we also never would have had a daughter who derailed her life Because she did something stupid.
She's not stupid, Dan.
She's human and we finally have some proof of that.
Oh, stop it, Roseanne.
Our daughter is pregnant and is getting married.
I just can't sit back and do nothing about it.
Okay, well, why don't you start screaming and throwing furniture around Like you did when Becky eloped? And then we won't see her for a year and a half too.
Yeah, well She's gonna make it, Dan.
She's fine.
We're gonna be there.
We're gonna help her through it.
We're all gonna make it.
We are good parents, Dan.
( sighs ) Check this out.
Not only-- Not only are we gonna have a grandchild Who is roughly the same age as our own child, But our daughter is marrying The boy we consider to be our son.
I think that means that we are now Officially the white- trashiest family In all the land! Yee-haw!