Frasier s08e21 Episode Script

You sure Daphne will like this one? It's perfect, Niles.
Look, it even says on the box: "For the perfect DVD-viewing experience," all right? What do you suppose "multi-angle capability" means? It means that the remote control will respond from any angle.
CLAIRE: Not to intrude, but actually, it means you can see a scene from different camera angles.
- Oh, thank you.
- I was just teasing him.
You see, my brother's technologically challenged.
If you're new to DVD, you might want to rent the director's cut of Das Boot.
It's amazing.
Mind them? I prefer them.
In fact, I do speak a bit of German.
So in this case, they might actually be a distraction.
- Really? - Mm.
I speak German too.
You know, if anyone's technologically challenged, it's you.
He's a bit defensive.
[BOTH SPEAKING IN GERMAN.]
You thought your CD-ROM drive was a cup holder.
Thanks a lot.
- Well - I was interested in her.
How was I supposed to know? I was speaking German.
Oh, yes, the language of love.
- Oh, dear, it's Lana.
It's Lana.
- Where? Oh, my God.
No, no, just turn around.
I don't know why the woman frightens me.
She should frighten you.
She was prom queen.
Hi.
Sorry, it took me forever to find a parking spot.
Thanks.
Frasier? Lana.
Look, Niles, it's Lana.
Hi, Lana.
Hi.
This is my friend, Claire French.
Frasier Crane, his brother Niles.
We've know each other since high school.
Yes, we've already met.
Guten Tag, Claire.
I knew I recognised your voice.
You're on the radio.
Yes, yes.
Well, I'm flattered that you've listened.
You should have seen him in high school.
Do you remember when you petitioned the school to have interpretive dance added to gym class? Oh, is that a CD organiser? I'll be right back.
I need one of those myself.
Excuse me.
So, Niles, how's things? Things are good.
Are you married now? No, no.
I was, but I'm not now.
But I'm going with someone.
Next.
Oh, yes, I need to return this.
It's scratched.
It was like that when I bought it.
You know, I'm not much of a faux-walnut-grain enthusiast.
Uh, Frasier, I wanted to ask you something.
Saturday night, are you free? Only with a coupon.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
What did you have in mind? Well, a bunch of us are throwing a surprise party for Lana.
I was wondering if you could bring her.
I'm not sure I'm the right person for this.
You see, last year, Lana and I dated for a brief period and, uh Well, things just didn't work out.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
- It's not that she isn't a lovely person.
WOMAN: Next! LANA: I don't give a rat's ass about your policy! Get me a manager! Perhaps you could ask someone else.
Come on, just ask her out as a friend.
Once you're there, you can leave.
- Or stay.
LANA: Are you calling me a liar? Don't buy anything here.
The service sucks.
Well, it is her birthday.
Red wire, red wire, where do you go? Oh, there we are.
[FEEDBACK SQUEALS.]
Maybe the red wire's extra.
Niles, hand me that yellow one, will you? Ooh.
MARTIN: What's the matter? Oh.
Daphne punched me in her sleep last night.
Honestly, she is the most aggressive sleeper I've ever known.
Wow, you being a psychiatrist, you probably think she's acting out some form of repressed hostility towards you, huh? That was the furthest thing from my mind.
- Till now.
- Oh, don't worry about it.
Sounds to me like you are still finding your sleeping groove.
- Sleeping groove? - Yeah.
The first six months your mother and I were together, we were like Dempsey and Tunney.
You see, Dempsey and Tunney were Oh, Dad, please, I know a little something about vaudeville.
- I've got our movie.
- Oh.
Oh, knock it off.
I told you I was sorry.
It's all right.
"Who Framed Roger Rabbit"? Yeah, it's got everything.
Action, romance and humour.
I mean, who's funnier than Roger Rabbit? - No one? - Exactly.
Well, I'm off to pick up Lana.
- You're oddly chipper about it.
- Of course I am, Niles.
The sooner I deliver her to the surprise party, the sooner I can cast my net of romance over a butterfly named Claire.
You know, I've got a good feeling about this one.
Frasier, you always have a good feeling.
You think it's gonna be perfect, and then when she turns out not to be the Kierkegaard-reading, soufflé-baking, haiku-writing cellist, you're disappointed.
You have to learn to settle.
What does that mean? Have fun, Niles.
- Oh, hi.
- Roz, hi.
- Where are you going? - Just to a little party.
- Have a good time.
- Good night.
Hey, everybody, am I too late? You're perfect.
We're all hooked up and ready to go.
Great.
I brought Caddyshack.
- Who's funnier than that gopher? - Roger Rabbit, that's who.
What about my movie, The Longest Day? It's got D-day and the Duke.
Whoa, that is an embarrassment of riches.
Each movie more appealing than the last.
Perhaps there's a happy compromise in The Unbearable Lightness of Being.
That would be a happy compromise, except for one thing.
Boring! [FEEDBACK SQUEALS.]
- I think we should use the manual.
- I don't need a manual.
I need a pair of wire strippers, a hammer and a beer.
While he's doing that, I just have to pose the question.
Who's funnier than Daniel Day-Lewis? You look lovely tonight.
Thank you.
You look nice too.
Look, I'm gonna be real direct.
We're just two good friends going out for dinner, okay? Of course.
I only say that because you went a little heavy on the cologne and I don't want you to have any expectations.
I have nothing of the sort.
And by the way, it's scented soap.
Good.
I mean, I only accepted because it really sounded like you could use a night out.
But I don't want some awkward scene where you try to get in my pants.
I assure you, there will be no such scene.
Great.
Unless, of course, I have too much to drink and I change my mind.
So how are those kids of yours doing? Oh, my youngest is good.
He's in the 9th grade.
But Kirby, if he doesn't pass U.
S.
History, he's not gonna graduate.
Well, have you considered getting a tutor? That's a good idea.
You used to do that sort of thing in high school, didn't you? Well, yes, yes, I did.
And I would do it for Kirby in a heartbeat.
It's just that I'm asked a lot.
And if I helped him, then I'd have to do it for everyone.
I'd hate to open those floodgates.
- You understand.
- Yeah.
My ex is the one I should be asking, but that would be a waste of time.
He doesn't help out with the kids? No, the only kid he has time for is Kathy, his 22-year-old receptionist.
It's sickening.
- Do you mind if I smoke? - Well, actually, l I'll just crack a window.
You know, I'm glad you asked me out tonight.
Tomorrow's my birthday.
- Really? Well - Yeah.
Happy birthday.
Hardly.
That's the day Bob and Kathy have chosen to get married.
In Tahiti.
Some birthday.
It's all right.
It's good.
Tonight will get my mind off of it.
Just promise me that I won't even hear the word "birthday" for the rest of the night, okay? Are you sure? I mean, maybe a big celebration would be the best revenge.
What am I celebrating, the fact that I'm becoming an old trot and no one's ever gonna love me again? Oh, God.
Shut up.
Aren't we going to Bella Lucia? Well, actually, I know this little Thai place that I think will be better.
Were you even gonna ask me? I hate Thai food.
Typical man.
"I like Thai food so she must like Thai food.
" All right.
Bella Lucia it is.
I'm sorry.
I'm being snappy.
It's just I I guess I just always thought that I'd be the one that got remarried first, you know? Now everybody's just gonna feel sorry for me.
Oh, God, I hope I don't run into anybody I know tonight.
And you're not a typical man.
You're very thoughtful.
You forgive me? Yes, I'm afraid I do.
Oh, gosh.
You know, I do know another little Italian place that I think you might really enjoy just as much.
What do you say? - Great.
Sounds great.
- Okay.
You know, it's funny, as much as I hate the thought of my birthday, I'm kind of hurt that none of my friends asked me to do anything.
I mean, it's not like I wanted a party, but something would've been nice.
Okay, Frasier, you know what, just because I'm vulnerable, doesn't mean you're getting some.
No, listen.
Fifty of your friends are sitting in Bella Lucia right now wearing party hats and waiting to yell "surprise.
" Do you wanna go or not? My friends are throwing me a surprise party? That's right.
And you tell me and ruin it? Surprise! Oh, my God, you didn't! You, you did this.
Frasier, you tricked me.
You awful thing.
It wasn't easy, you nightmarish carp.
Oh, thanks.
Debbie.
Oh, hi.
Bruce, hi.
I am so thrilled you all came here for this.
I thought a lot of you would've flown to Tahiti for the wedding of dumbo and bimbo.
Thanks for getting her here.
How did you manage to keep it a secret? Well, as a psychiatrist, discretion happens to be the cornerstone of my profession.
Of course.
Mine too.
I'm a family therapist.
Really? You know, I sensed we'd have a lot in common.
You know, it's funny how things turn out.
I started out as a music major studying cello.
You're a cellist? Yes, but psychology is my true calling.
Spawning fish may leap upstream For many seasons Yet come home to stay - Was that a haiku? - Yes.
It's a It's a habit of mine.
They just sort of spill out of me.
That's amazing.
May I get you a drink? Yes, a martini.
Two olives.
I knew it.
Oh.
- Kierkegaard? - Love him.
Don't move.
Claire, what are you doing standing here alone? I want you to meet Neil, that guy I told you about.
- Claire, Neil.
- Hi.
MARTIN: All right, what's it say now? DAPHNE: "Alternatively, see Appendix C, 'Advanced Troubleshooting Specifications And You.
"' That's it.
I quit.
What do you want to do? Well, I went to a party once where we each went around the room and confessed our most shameful secret.
Except it had to be something that you've never told anyone before.
I don't think that's something we really wanna get into.
No, it sounds like fun.
Okay, I'll go first.
Oh, let's see.
All right.
Well, Daphne, you might as well make your acquaintance with my dark side.
In 5th grade, there was a bully, Jack Winfield, and he was bothering a lot of the girls.
So one day, I waited for him outside of school and gave him a sound thumping.
Wasn't that the kid with rickets? Rickets and a smart mouth.
Daphne, you go next.
And think of something juicier than that.
Well, mine's also a youthful indiscretion.
I stole a teddy bear from the shops.
Then what? Well, I felt guilty, so I told my parents and we brought it back.
Then as a penance, I volunteered to work at the orphanage after school.
What the hell was that? I'd put that story on my résumé.
Come on, Martin, you've gotta have something.
- Shock me.
- Oh, I don't know.
It's kind of personal.
That's what we're looking for.
Well, all right, but it doesn't leave this room.
Every time I watch The Sound of Music, I cry.
And I don't mean a single manly tear, I mean real blubbering.
Girl-style.
The nuns, those kids the lonely goatherd.
These are your deep, dark secrets? This is baby stuff.
"Oh, I dropped my ice cream and I ate it.
" Okay, let's hear yours, then.
You can't handle mine.
Let's play Clue or something.
- Oh, come on.
- Come on.
Are you kidding? We can take anything you can dish out.
I was in the war.
I was a cop.
- I even worked Vice.
- I don't think so.
Come on, tell you what, whisper it in my ear, and if I think they can handle it, I'll tell them.
Okay.
Where was Kathy when I was busting my ass putting him through dental school? Oh, oh, that's right.
She wasn't born yet! - Who wants more cake? - Not me, but I'll go with you.
Here we are.
This is one of my favourites.
That's so sweet of you, but Neil just brought me a glass.
Opus One.
Opus One.
That's a delightful little wine.
Yes, it's very nice, but this happens to be a Barbaresco Gaja, the greatest Italian red since Roberto Rossellini.
Well Mm.
- Mm.
- Ah.
Well, they both taste wonderful.
I don't I can't choose between them.
Taste mine again.
You know, if you're really interested in wine, you should let me fly you down to Napa in my plane.
We could spend the day exploring the vineyards.
That's very sweet, but those little planes make me nervous.
Really? Well, how do you feel about BMWs? You see, I happen to know several of the proprietors of the local vineyards here, and I'd be delighted to be your tour guide.
That's sounds tempting.
Well, allow me to enchant you further.
You see, l Claire, I'm sorry.
You'll have to excuse me for just a moment.
Hi.
How you doing? Everybody's leaving.
Well, it's getting late.
It's 9:30.
Let's face it, I drove them all off.
Even I'm sick of hearing me complain about Bob.
Well, come on, it's not all that bad.
I mean, listen, you know, Bob is in the past.
And just look at all the friends you have.
I know you've had a bit of a tough time lately, but that'll end soon.
You're a vibrant, attractive woman.
Thanks, Frasier.
- You're being awfully sweet to me.
- Oh.
Don't think this means you're getting any.
We're saying our goodbyes.
You're leaving? I have an early appointment and Neil offered to give me a ride home.
Well, how thoughtful of him.
- Happy birthday, Lana.
- Oh, thank you.
Bye.
It's nice to see you again, Frasier.
Lovely seeing you again, Claire.
Neil.
- Threw a gutter ball, huh? - Yeah.
Thanks to you.
You introduced them.
Well, you played it all wrong.
You were hanging on her all night.
Well, so was he, but he left with her.
It won't last.
She's probably sick of him already.
A lot of good that does me.
I blew it.
Not necessarily.
I mean, I think you guys could make a great couple.
In fact, I might be able to help you out there.
Really? Would you? Well, I could, but you know, I get asked that all the time.
And if I did it for you, I'd have to have to do it for everybody.
And I just don't know if I wanna open those floodgates.
You know what I mean? I think I do.
Kirby needs a passing grade in History.
- I can't guarantee that.
- No passing grade, no Claire.
All right, an hour on Tuesdays.
Two hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Two hours on Tuesdays, no Thursday.
Three on Tuesdays.
- Done.
Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
Well, you are a very lucky young man, Kirby.
You know, I loved studying U.
S.
History.
What can be more fascinating than the rich and unfolding epic of the very soil on which we live? Uh, will that question be on the test? Doubtful.
So which chapter are you on? Whoa, is that my book? I see.
Chapter 1.
You may wanna take some notes.
I don't have a pen.
But just tell me, I'll remember it.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's gotten you far.
Get off your ass and get a pen! No, not you, not you, not you.
All right, Kirby, we've got a few minutes before your mother gets here.
One last question.
In our studies this week, what did we learn about William Henry Harrison? Well, I guess I would say that this week, we learned that William Henry Harrison was a great man who was important because he was - President? - No.
Yes, yes.
Good, good.
And which president was he? Of the United States.
I mean which number? All right, here's a hint.
He was elected in 1840.
- Eighteen.
- No.
- Forty? - Kirby.
Did you do any reading this week? - Sort of.
- What does "sort of" mean? - No.
- Right.
Why not? Because it's a bunch of junk I'm never gonna need to know.
Kirby, this junk, as you call it, may seem unimportant to you now, but knowing something about where we came from may help you to decide where you wish to go.
Now, let's start learning about history lest you be condemned to repeat it.
Start reading.
Continue until your mother gets here.
- Hi, Dad.
MARTIN: Hey, Fras.
You know that guy Roger on 14, has that little Scottish terrier? - Macduff? - Right.
Well, Roger's invited all these dogs from the park to Macduff's birthday party.
Except Eddie.
Thank God.
Have you ever heard of anything more ridiculous? I see, and putting a hat on Eddie for every major holiday, that's normal? - What? It's not every holiday.
- Oh, Dad, please.
He's got a Santa cap for Christmas, he's got a top hat for New Year's Eve.
He's got a tam-o'-shanter for Saint Patrick's Day.
Well, they're just hats.
I mean, it's not a whole party.
I mean, a dog doesn't know his birthday any more than he knows Friday or Saturday or Or Cinco de Mayo? That sombrero was a gift.
Keep reading.
That's nice that you're helping the kid out.
Yeah, well, truth be told, Dad.
I'm actually I've made a little agreement with Lana.
You see, if I help Kirby get a passing grade, Lana will set me up with one of her girlfriends, Claire.
Ah.
I remember when you used to tutor kids so they wouldn't beat you up.
So I guess this is progress, huh? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
That would be your mother.
- Hi, Lana.
- Hi, Frasier.
You guys have a good study session tonight? - Primo.
- We're making excellent progress.
- Really? So, what'd you learn today? - Yeah.
Um Well, today I learned about William Henry Harrison, who was our ninth president.
I mean, tenth.
I mean, ninth.
Good.
Not bad.
So you're one step closer to getting your prom privileges back.
- Mom, I told you, I'm not going.
- Why not? Because you and Kristi broke up? Thanks for spreading that around, Mom.
Frasier doesn't care.
He went to the prom with his brother.
Thanks for spreading that around.
- Can I have a word with your mother? - Sure.
Here, sit in the car.
You can listen to the radio.
But don't change my presets again.
When you're in my car, it's lite hits or nothing! What do you wanna talk about? I was wondering if you had a chance to speak with Claire yet, seeing as how Kirby may be getting a passing grade.
- Actually, I saw Claire yesterday.
- You did? That's wonderful.
I've been thinking about our first date.
I thought perhaps tapas.
I know that sounds whimsical, but hear me.
Frasier, look, all I did was mention that you were tutoring Kirby.
But she was very impressed.
But you're supposed to set us up.
We have a deal.
I'm phasing you in slowly.
Look, she just broke up with Neil because he was rushing things.
Trust me, if you don't time this right, you're gonna blow it.
All right, there's no need to explain to me.
If anyone understands the value of restraint and taking things slowly, it is yours truly.
Frasier, as I recall on our first date, you got me up to your apartment on false pretences.
You plied me with wine, got me into bed, and then tried to weasel out of ever seeing me again.
I think "plied" is a bit strong.
Hey, Frasier, I have a work-related proposal I wanna run by you.
Of course, Roz, I'm always open to new ideas, creative thoughts, outside-the-box thinking.
I want Friday the 15th off.
But be aware, if you say no, you'll be crushing a dream I've had since college.
A three-day weekend, that's quite a dream.
My dream is to have front-row seats at Bruce Springsteen.
That way, when he starts doing "Dancing in the Dark," there's a chance he'll pull me up on-stage to dance with him.
I see.
And his concert is on a Friday afternoon? No, Grandpa.
Tickets go on sale Saturday and I wanna be the first in line.
If you hadn't called me Grandpa, I would have found a polite way to say no, but as it is, no.
I can't believe I didn't just call in sick instead of telling you the truth.
I just wasted perfectly good honesty on you.
Well - His Royal Highness is here.
NILES: Thank you.
- Hey, Frasier.
- Hi, Daph, Niles.
- Coffee, Niles? NILES: Yes, please.
I'll have the French Roast with three shots of espresso.
- The Defibrillator? - Yeah, that's the one.
- Need a little pick-me-up, Niles? - I am exhausted.
Sleeping with Daphne, I'm not getting much rest.
The way she gyrates, it's like Stop the simile.
No use in conjuring up imagery I'll only have to repress later.
I'm talking about actual sleeping, you degenerate jughead.
Hey, sweetie.
Hi, I was just telling Frasier about your nightly tossing and turning.
- She's like a tuna on a trawler deck.
- Yeah.
I told you, I'm gonna need time to adjust to sleeping with someone.
Until then, you're just gonna have to fight me off.
I tried.
You hurled me to the floor.
You've never minded the rough stuff before.
That's it, I'm leaving.
Good Lord, it's Claire.
I thought you liked her.
- I do.
- So, what's the problem? Lana has told me that I am under no circumstances to ask her out on a date.
She says that if I rush things, I will ruin my chances.
Frasier.
- Claire, hi.
CLAIRE: Hi.
Fancy seeing you here.
I just came from the opera house.
Can you believe Don Giovanni is sold out? I wish I knew someone with a subscription.
You know, I could I could call someone for you.
That'd be great.
Hey, and while you're at it, see if you can find someone who likes sherry.
You know, Les Habitants is having a tasting that week and I can't find anyone who enjoys sherry as much as I do.
Of course, I always have trouble finding people who share my interests.
I've been trying to convince someone to go to London with me and see the New Tate Gallery and the old Globe Theatre.
And finally, I just gave up.
And tomorrow, I'm going alone for ten days.
- Life's just too short.
- Go out with me.
The trick to remembering the difference between William Henry Harrison and William Howard Taft is a simple mnemonic device.
Mne-what? It's a trick.
Harrison died in office after his first month, so we say William Henry Harrison was hardly healthy.
And you can't spell Taft without the letters F-A-T.
So now to remember two things, I have to remember two other things.
Plus the first two things.
- Yes, yes.
- That's four things.
But the first two things are easier to remember, and they are clues to the second.
Will you just try to keep up, Kirby? What are you getting all up in my face for? Because you are not working hard enough.
- Well, whose fault is that? - Yours.
Whatever, dude.
- How's it going? - Well, I'm cool.
As am I.
- Frasier, will you stay for dinner? - Sure.
Hey, Kirby, go wash up.
And use water! Listen, Lana, um I ran into Claire this afternoon, and I Well, we got to talking, and it seems as though we'll - We're gonna be going out together.
- You're what? [PHONE RINGING.]
I told you, the timing isn't right.
You went behind my back.
You had me convinced that you held the keys to Claire's kingdom.
The truth is, I didn't need the key.
When I got there, the gates were open, the mat said, "Welcome, Frasier.
" If you think you are walking out on Kirby, you can think again.
Listen, there is no use in tutoring him if he is not willing to learn.
CLAIRE [ON ANSWERING MACHINE.]
: Hi, Lana, it's Claire.
Listen, Frasier asked me out today and I said yes.
He seems very sweet.
Of course, he was also a little eager, which is always a turnoff, so I might back out, unless you think he's a catch.
Do you? Is he? Anyway, I'll be back next week, so give me a call and let me know what you think.
Bye.
[MACHINE BEEPS.]
Hmm.
What do I think? Perhaps I spoke hastily.
I think I want Kirby to get a C.
What? He only had to get a passing grade.
That was before you went behind my back.
- For arguing, I want a B.
- That's crazy.
- Keep talking, mister, I'll go for an A.
- All right, a B it is.
What am I doing again? Oh, yeah, I'm washing up.
Okay, a B-minus.
[THUDS.]
All right, Kirby, I'm gonna make you an offer.
If you will agree to knuckle down and study, I will treat you to a sumptuous dinner at Les Habitants.
How does that sound? You and me at a fancy French restaurant? - That's right.
- Kind of gay.
- Hey, Frasier.
- Oh, hi, Roz.
Kirby, this is my producer, Roz Doyle.
Roz, this is Kirby, my tutee.
Hey.
Well, study hard, but remember, school isn't everything.
I wasn't exactly an egghead and look how I turned out.
Roz, I'm just trying to motivate the boy, not scare him straight.
Thank you.
She has gotta be pretty distracting around the office, huh? Yes, well, sometimes.
But she's union, so you put up with it.
No, I mean she's hot.
Stop that.
You stick to girls your own age.
Yeah, I had one.
She dumped me.
Sorry to hear that.
I don't care.
She can go to the prom with anyone she wants.
Wait a moment.
Is that what all this current malaise is about? - Heartbreak? - No.
I'm way over it.
You know, what would be awesome is if I can go to the prom with some totally hot older chick like Roz.
That would totally burn up Kristi.
All my friends would be like, "Yo, she's so hot!" Kirby, you just put that thought completely out of your mind because Kirby, if I could convince Roz to go to the prom with you, would you commit to learning this material? And you think hard before you answer, because if it's yes, you're in my house, mister.
I'm in.
Deal.
Now, listen We'll just keep this between us.
There's no need to tell your mom.
- No problem.
- Great.
So how are you gonna get her to go with me? You just leave that up to me and Mr.
Bruce Springsteen.
The Boss.
No, Bruce Springsteen.
Never said there was gonna be pop quizzes.
That's the pop part.
But don't despair, Kirby, you got 19 out of 25.
Well done.
Looks like you're well on your way to that prom.
Now, let's see that essay you wrote.
MARTIN: Eddie, Eddie, Eddie Dad, do you mind? We're trying to work here.
I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to raise Eddie's spirits.
Today's that stupid doggie party he wasn't invited to.
You still on that? Eddie's the heart and soul of that doggie group.
We've been going to that park for years.
Half of those people wouldn't even know each other if it wasn't for us.
Now they're down there drinking beer and swapping stories.
Look at him.
It's just breaking Eddie's heart.
Eddie's fine, Dad.
Seems you're the one who feels left out.
I do not.
And it just so happens that we've got plans for this afternoon anyway.
Big plans.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello? Oh, hi, Roger.
A party, huh? Well, no, I hadn't heard about it.
Oh, really? Well, yeah, I guess we could come down.
Sure.
Okay.
Yeah, well, be right down.
Bye.
I knew it! The invite must have got lost in the mail.
Well, see you later, boys.
It's party time! Forgot the dog.
Come on, boy.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
This is fun.
It is.
You know, I think restaurants are like museums.
Great food, like great art, has the ability to both elevate and inspire.
Oh, I so agree.
But one must dine with a certain savoir-faire.
You won't get much out of it if you're just some Philistine walking in off the streets.
Dude, fancy.
Hello, my good man.
Reservation for Gardner.
Of course.
This way, please.
So, um - Would you order some wine for us? - No.
Let's get something straight.
If you get drunk, the evening is over.
And if you fondle, massage or cup any portion of my body, the evening is over, got it? Man, you're like a total prude, huh? Yes, I am.
- Would any one of you like a drink? KIRBY: Yes.
The lady and I will have the Coca-Cola.
Yeah, make sure the lady's has a lot of Jack Daniels in it.
Never order for your date.
It's cheesy.
And the lady will have the filet.
Well, a toast.
To this moment, too long delayed and too quick to pass.
Hey, you guys.
Hi.
Well, what are you doing here? - We're having a date.
- Yes, what are you doing here? I'm looking for Kirby.
It's his prom night.
He left his camera at home.
Kirby is here? Somewhere.
He said you told him about this place.
Right, right, so I did.
There he is.
See you guys later.
Wait.
You know, maybe I should take the camera to the boy.
Seeing you here will only embarrass him.
Oh, please.
He's used to that.
Besides, the one who should be embarrassed is that boy who's with his mother.
Lana is such a great mom.
She really cares about her kids.
She sure does.
LANA: What do you mean, she's with you? Will you excuse me a moment? Mom, would you cool out? How do you expect me to cool out when you're? - What are you, a hooker? - What? - You're a hooker? - No, I'm not.
- She works for me.
- You're her pimp? - Is there a problem? - No, everything's just fine.
- You know this tramp? - Yes, I do.
- Frasier! - I'm sorry! Lana, please, it's all innocent enough.
I only did this in order to motivate the boy.
- By promising him sex? - You promised him sex? - You're getting sex? - I did not promise him sex! LANA: You are coming with me! - I'm not going.
FRASIER: Lana, let me explain.
I set him up with Roz in exchange for his studying.
LANA: That's disgusting! It's no different than you promising me a date with Claire - in exchange for tutoring Kirby.
- Excuse me? Claire - You traded me like a commodity? - Get off your high horse.
- You tutored me to get to her? - Kirby I can't believe you used me, Lana.
Get a little perspective here.
My son's here with a prostitute! If you call me that one more time, lady - Listen, sister, I'll call you whatever - You dangle me like bait? - Who's the prostitute now? - Who are you? - Sit down! KIRBY: You said you cared, but you're just as big a liar as Richard M.
Nixon, our 37th president.
I'm gonna have to ask you all to leave.
Fine with me.
Kirby, let's go.
- I'm not going anywhere.
- Well, I am.
No, no, no, stop it, everybody! Fellow diners, if you will all bear with me for just a moment, please.
Kirby, you are going to pass history and you are going to graduate from high school.
Roz, you are getting your Springsteen ticket.
Lana, if there is anyone with whom your son could expect to have a wholesome, innocent and chaste date, it is Roz Doyle.
Claire, the only reason Lana did what she did was out of love for her son.
And if I compromised my ethics, it was only because I found myself so utterly beguiled by you.
Frasier, you are a strange and charming man.
You have no idea.
Hi, Lana, it's Frasier.
Yeah, listen, I was hoping that I could maybe switch times with Kirby tomorrow.
Say move it up to 4:00 just after school? Great, great, good.
Well, Claire and I have plans, you know.
Yeah, I guess we are hitting it off.
She said what about me? You're joking.
Oh, you are joking.
What did she say about me? Really? Well, I guess it just proves she's a sucker for sophistication, taste, and dare I say it, Old World charm.
MAN: Hey, buddy.
If the cops come back around, can I stash something in your bag? I'll have to call you back.