Home Improvement s08e21 Episode Script

Hey, guys.
Got the hot rod outside.
Want to go for a ride? We'll scare some student drivers, huh? No, that's okay.
Go ahead.
No! Student drivers! Get up behind them.
(IMITATES HONKING) What's the matter? Tell him, Harry.
I can't.
I mean, look at that face.
Poor guy's got no clue.
I've never had a clue.
Come on, guys.
What's going on? Harry's selling the hardware store.
Oh, quick! Get a chair! Sorry.
Where was I? I thought for a minute I heard you say you were selling the hardware store.
He is.
I've been totally useless ever since I heard the news.
And for 40 years before that.
Harry, why all of a sudden? Dolores.
Her asthma's acting up again? Oh, yeah.
She wants to move to a warmer climate.
Yeah.
They're moving to Tucson.
That's in Arizona.
Tucson is Plan A.
Plan B is we stop at a gas station, she goes in to powder her nose, and I burn rubber for Vegas.
You can't just leave your wife in the middle of nowhere.
If we're meant to be together, she'll find me.
Wait, wait, wait.
You own 20% of the hardware store.
- Why don't you just buy the rest of it? - I wish.
But I don't have that kind of money.
Unless you want to give me a raise.
I don't think so.
- Well, you got a rich girlfriend.
- Trudy! I can't ask Trudy.
I mean, if I let her buy the hardware store for me, I'd feel like I was taking money for sexual favors.
Wow, I didn't realize Harry's retirement could send you spiraling into a life of prostitution.
- Can I speak to you privately? - Yeah.
This could be a great opportunity.
Listen to me.
You could buy the place.
- Get a bank loan.
I'll co-sign for you.
- It's not just the money.
There's a lot of things going on in my life right now.
Like what? Promoted to head bingo caller? I wish! No.
The fact is that Trudy and I are getting pretty serious.
And there might be some major expenses coming up in my life.
Don't tell anyone! You know, even Jill.
But I'm thinking of making her the next Mrs.
Borland.
You want her to be your mother? I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
It's good news.
It's good news.
But now we really gotta find a buyer for this place.
And I will do whatever it takes.
Harry, have you had anybody put a bid in on it or anything like that? Yeah.
A nail salon.
A nail salon? This is the work of Satan.
I can't believe it! Our store is being turned over to a bunch of women who sit on their cans and yak all day! Why do you have a brochure for a motel in Florida? 'Cause a bunch of kids and I are going down there for spring break.
It's gonna be a week with no parents, no chaperones and no tops in the Jacuzzi.
And how did you get Mom and Dad to agree to this? Well, that's one detail I haven't quite figured out.
But I've got a plan.
Hi, guys.
How's it going? You know, it's interesting you should ask, Mom.
While many young Americans are busy frittering away their lives with sex and drugs, I have remained dedicated to my studies and athletic pursuits.
You're not going to Florida on spring break.
How does she know these things? Your travel agent called.
Oh, man! Guess what? Harry is selling the hardware store.
We're gonna save a lot of money.
Hey, now I can actually go to college.
(JILL LAUGHING) Oh, come on! Harry's always threatening to sell the store.
This time it's for real.
Dolores's asthma is really acting up and so they're gonna move to Tucson.
It's in Arizona.
Well, that really is awful.
What's awful is now I have to buy all my hardware at one of those big chain stores.
Or you could be happy with the tools you have.
Fat chance of that.
This is a disturbing trend, though.
This signals the demise of American small business.
I know.
My favorite book store was bought out by one of those big chains.
Now it's so sterile when you go there.
I used to love to just be there for hours and browse.
Well, maybe if you'd bought something, they wouldn't be going out of business.
Well, there's got to be someone who'd be interested in taking it over.
Other than you.
Give me one reason why I shouldn't buy the hardware store.
We have three kids who have to go to college.
I said one reason.
Come on, Tim.
There's gotta be another buyer out there.
You're a great salesman.
You should be able to find someone.
When we were selling tools, we used to have these big parties to soften up potential buyers.
- Did it work? - You bet! Wild time.
A lot of brown liquor, sexy women.
(WHOOPING) I just hated those times.
- Tim, this is great! - Unbelievable! I'm so excited.
All these people are interested in buying the hardware store! (BABBLING) They all think they're here for a free meal, all right? Hey, Rock, what are you drinking? What am I not drinking? Hey, Tim.
Thank you.
This is really nice.
Usually, when people invite me over to their house, it's because they want to sell me something.
Oh, the weasels.
Here.
Let me top that off for you.
Thank you, Tim.
- Dolores, we're really gonna miss you.
- Yes, we are.
I've ignored my asthma for years.
It just keeps getting worse and worse.
Oh, I forgot.
Cigar smoke bothers you.
You light that, Harry, you're sleeping alone tonight.
Hey, your old ball and chain's looking hot.
- She's a real tomato.
- Yeah.
- I'm a lucky man, Eddie.
- Yeah.
Hey, Jill? Why don't you go flirt with Eddie a little bit? Are you insane? I'm not asking you to do anything.
And your call.
I think it's time for you to tell everybody why they're here.
All right.
Okay, everybody, gather up.
Yeah.
All right.
I want to say how happy I am that you all joined us here tonight.
We are here to celebrate.
- Celebrate what, Tim? - America! America, yeah.
Hey, if you're organizing a secret militia, Timmy, count me in.
No.
I'm here to try to save a small business.
Ladies and gentlemen, Harry's Hardware is going out of business.
Oh, no.
When did that happen? I've been taken over by a nail salon and forced to live in the desert with my wife.
Oh, no! And now we'll all have to buy our hardware at one of those big faceless chains instead of a friendly place like Harry's.
I got you.
We're calling our unit "Harry's.
" I know where we can get guns.
Now, come on, everybody.
Don't you We don't want to lose our hardware store now, do we? - ALL: No! - That's right.
We're not just gonna stand here and let this happen, are we? ALL: No! AL: No, we're not! So, who's gonna step up and buy this Harry's Hardware? - TIM: Yeah! - What? Anybody? Tim, look, we all love to shop there.
But it just doesn't make sense to buy the place.
Look, you can't compete with the large discount stores.
It's a great opportunity.
Harry's has a good location.
He's an institution in this town.
- Then, how come you don't buy it? - Yeah! How come you don't buy it? I think The Tool Man is afraid to put his money where his mouth is! I am not afraid! - Then prove it! - Come on, Timmy.
- Prove it! - I don't have to prove it.
Prove what? - Prove it! Prove it! - All right! I'll buy the place! Yeah! I think it's great you're buying the hardware store, Tim.
Hey, congratulations, Jill.
- We gotta talk.
- We're at a party.
Not now.
We have talked about this already.
There's no way that you can buy a business.
We don't know that.
I don't even know what I paid for the place.
Harry, what did I pay for the place? - Eighty thousand dollars.
- Eighty thousand dollars? The nail salon talked you down to 70.
Oh, yeah.
Honey, we just can't shell out that kind of money.
Listen, listen, listen.
What if I carried the loan? That way you don't have to make a down payment.
You can make monthly payments.
And then if it works out, you can give me the rest later.
Why didn't you make that deal to me? All right.
I'll offer you the same thing.
I'll pass.
But thanks for asking.
See? The way he puts it, it makes it a win-win situation for us.
Just try it a couple of months.
Then if you want to bail, I'll sell it to the nail salon.
Look, why don't you guys talk it over while I feed Harry something fatty and salty? - Honey, just - Honey, look, even if we can make the monthly payments, I mean, you've already got a job.
How are you gonna run a business? Al.
Al's 20% owner.
So, he'd work part-time.
Then I'd work part-time.
And Marty! Have him work full-time.
He needs a job anyway.
I don't know.
It's still a huge undertaking.
I really want to give it a shot.
It's not for me, it's for every guy out there with a dream.
I don't think every guy out there has the same dream, Tim.
This saw's $12 cheaper at Tool Mart.
Why should I buy it here? - We deliver.
- But I'm already here.
All right, I'll tell you what.
I'll knock off a buck.
A buck? You gotta be kidding! Look, I got customers waiting, you know? If Tool Mart is so much cheaper, go shop there.
Good idea! Wait, hold it Great sales technique, Marty.
I'm sorry, Tim.
I guess I'm not a very good salesman.
It's not just you.
We haven't done any better with Al and I behind the counter.
I don't know how Harry does it.
I mean, it's impossible to move merchandise at these prices.
I have a theory.
Let me guess.
Harry had a better selection of donuts.
- Yes.
But that's not my point.
- What is your point, Benny? Well, people had a long-standing relationship with Harry, so they were willing to pay more.
Once Harry left, people didn't have to feel guilty about switching to Tool Mart.
I never thought I'd say this.
Benny's right.
I know I'm right.
I bought a faucet at Tool Mart this morning.
Saved myself a bundle.
I gotta hand it to you, Tim.
I mean, this is the worst investment you ever could have made.
Way to problem-solve, Marty.
Well, hi-ho, tool Taylors.
Morning, Wilson.
Always nice to see your face around here.
Well, thank you, Tim.
- What can we do for you, Wilson? - Well, I stopped by to buy a few things.
- Stuff's a lot cheaper at Tool Mart.
- Marty! Man, I stink at this! Oh, I would never shop at Tool Mart.
I'd rather spend a little bit more and come down and get personal service from Harry's.
I wish everybody felt the same way you feel.
Business not going so good? Well, let's put it this way, the next time you come in here, you'll be getting a pedicure and a bikini wax.
Well, I did get myself a new Speedo.
Wilson, we're not making any money.
What did Harry have that we don't? Well, people trusted Harry.
He was the kind of guy who stood behind everything he sold.
He'd do anything for a customer.
- I'm that kind of guy.
- Well, I know that, Tim.
But I'm not sure everybody else does.
Then, Marty, we gotta get the word out.
I know! We can print up flyers! Then we can get on our bikes and we can plaster them all over the neighborhood! Yippie-yi-yo-ki-yay! Marty! Yeah! And then Wait a minute We'll sell lemonade in the driveway! And put cards in our spokes that go like this! We'll have big lollipops! And then we'll have a puppet show for all the rest of the kids in the neighborhood! What the hell's the matter with you? We did that to prove a point.
That in the wrong hands, even water is flammable.
That's right.
And we'll be right back after these important commercial messages.
(MUSIC PLAYS) Hi, I'm Tim Taylor.
You probably know me from Tool Time.
What you probably don't know is I'm now the proud new owner of Harry's Hardware.
Tim, aren't you forgetting something? Yes.
And Al is my silent partner.
Show them how that works.
That's very funny.
Well, in the past, Harry's Hardware has been known for its personal service.
That's true.
Every time I shop there, people drop whatever they're doing to help me.
Even the ones that don't work there.
Now that service is going to get even better.
That's right.
We're proud to introduce Harry's new Video Tool Library.
So, come on down to the store and borrow a video for any project you might be working on, absolutely free! - Did you say free? - I said free! And that's not all.
If you have any questions about any one of the videos, you can call us at our That's right.
Tim and I bought these cell phones for the express purpose of being there for you! Al and I are standing by 24 hours a day to attend to all the questions of our hardware store customers.
Call us anytime, 24 hours a day, night or day, day or night! (PHONE RINGING) Harry's on call! No problem too small! No, Mother.
This won't conflict with square-dancing night.
Harry's Hardware! (PHONE RINGING) Harry's on call.
No problem too small.
Hold on a second.
Hold on, there's a great pay-per-view movie on and Mom's not home.
Can we watch it? Yeah.
Go ahead.
- So, what's this one called again? - Shakespeare in Lust.
Oh, wow! Queen Elizabeth is played by Busty Bartholomew.
I love her work.
(DOOR OPENING) - And after that, call a licensed plumber.
- Hi, guys.
Thanks a lot.
Bye.
Tim, are you not monitoring what they're watching? There's some woman on there wearing a leather thong! Not anymore.
Guys, finish up this scene and shut this thing off! What? Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! - Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! (CROWD CHEERING) (WHOOPS) (MUSIC PLAYING) Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! (MUSIC PLAYING) Tim? Al? Where are you guys? At Harry's hot line, we'd recommend some oil or grease on that.
Well, how'd you get it in there? Tim! Mmm.
Looks like somebody's ready to come over to Daddy.
Actually, I was thinking of going downstairs to meet the cable guy.
Well, see if you can't get us some premium channels.
(LAUGHING) - Okay.
- Come here.
(PHONE RINGING) Ignore it.
Just I gotta do this.
Okay, Harry's hot line.
No problem too small.
Oh, a blocked toilet.
Yeah, yeah, that's very, very hard.
Don't put drain cleaner in there.
No! That's not a good idea.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) Well, you're gonna need a snake or a crowbar to bust that sucker up.
Huh? Yeah.
What the heck you been eating, sir? Yeah.
- Okay, where were we? - Nowhere.
What do you mean "nowhere"? Well, first of all, that phone call was really disgusting.
Worse for him.
And second of all, every time we try to get romantic, one of your customers calls.
I'm trying to run a business.
Well, the business is just ruining your whole life.
You haven't slept in weeks.
Well, it's working though.
I've been getting a lot of new customers in the store.
Yeah.
But, honey, at what cost? The more customers you get, the harder you have to work.
It's affecting your whole life, you know? Your family, your work, your health, my sex life.
You're not thinking of calling Eddie, are you? No.
It's his turn to call me.
I am so tired.
Maybe it was a dumb idea for me buying this hardware store.
No.
It wasn't a dumb idea.
You bought it because you're just a passionate person.
That's what I love about you.
Yeah, I know.
But my passion's starting to get in the way of our passion.
And I really love this hardware store, but I don't know if it's worth giving up everything.
Well, you know, you don't have to decide tonight.
You can sleep on it and decide in the morning.
- I don't feel like sleeping.
- Oh, good.
- I feel like waxing the hot rod.
- I don't think so, Tim.
- Good morning, Marty.
- Hey, Tim.
Business was great today.
That's good.
Pack your things up.
I'm gonna sell to the nail salon.
What are you talking about? You mean I don't have a job anymore? Depends how good you are with an emery board.
- Hey, Tim.
- Hey, Jeff.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here? Oh, I just came in to get some keys made and Marty asked me to take a look at the books.
Don't bother, Jeff.
I'll tell you the ending.
He's shutting down Harry's.
Really? Gee.
Last week was the store's best grossing week of the year.
It was? I think this calls for a celebration.
Free keys.
Well, take all the keys you want.
I'm still gonna sell the shop.
Oh, come on! Why? Because I don't want my wife dating Eddie! That's not a problem.
Eddie's dating somebody else's wife.
Marty, I'm just not getting any sleep.
I'm working too much here.
Twenty-four-hour hot line's pretty exhausting, huh? Oh, by the way, thanks for talking me through that toilet clog.
I can't believe the dream is over.
- It doesn't have to be.
- How's that? Look, you've already got people coming in the store.
They know who you are.
Maybe you can cut back on the hot line hours.
Even if I cut back on the hot line hours, it's just, the workload's too much for me to handle.
Well, I might be interested in coming in as a partner.
Yeah.
You know, I think I could spend a few hours in the store every week.
- You? - Yeah.
Of course.
I think this is a good investment.
There's a kiss of death.
Well, thank you for that.
I've saved a few bucks.
And, you know, when Marty here gets back on his feet in 20 or 30 years, maybe he'll want to come in, too.
- What do you think? - Wait, wait.
You're serious about this? - Yeah.
- Yes, it is.
This might be the first time we've ever done something together that was productive.
No.
No.
Remember that time we dug that really giant hole in the back yard? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I was so excited that my big brothers were letting me hang out with them finally.
I found out we were digging that hole so you could stick me in it.
Just think what we could do with a whole store full of shovels.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Sure.
I ain't gonna fall for that one anymore.
You're gonna have to find somebody else.
What are you looking at? ALL: Somebody else.
For the millionth time, you are not going to Florida on spring break.
But, Mom, will you hear me out? All right.
A lot of the parents shared your concerns, all right? Now we have five chaperones going.
The boys are staying in one hotel and the girls are staying in another.
We're gonna be supervised And I promise, we can't go anywhere alone.
So, why do you want to go? I don't think I do anymore.
We did that to We just did that.
WOMAN: Four, three - Absolutely free! - Did you say free? (MIMICKING TIM) Oh, yes, I did! Listen, I know, we can print up some Yeah.
They're moving to Arizona.
- That's in Tucson, you know? - I know.