Roseanne s08e21 Episode Script

( harmonica wails ) Ahem.
Roseanne, what is this piece of meat doing On the floor back there? I don't know.
It was on the floor out here.
Somebody must have kicked it back there.
( sighs ) Okay, so who kicked the meat? ( gasps ) Roseanne, you know who that is? That's cindy kenner from "wake up Chicago.
" She's on every morning at 6:00 a.
M.
Well, I never see it 'cause I never stay up that late anymore.
Excuse me.
Are you the manager? No, actually, I am the owner.
Well, actually, He's one of four owners That own this place equally.
I'm Roseanne conner, the main owner.
Nice to meet you.
I'm joe matthews, producer of "wake up Chicago.
" Listen, if you don't mind, we're here to do some man- on-the-street interviews.
- would that be all right? - of course that's all right.
You just make yourself right at home-- hi.
- thank you.
- Jackie harris, owner number three.
It's just Very nice to meet you.
Yeah, you too.
All right, let's get started then, huh? He is very good-looking, And I did not see a ring.
Careful, Jackie, he might spot your dorsal fin Moving through the water.
This is so great.
We're gonna get all this free advertising.
More customers mean more work.
I think we should think about this.
Okay, our reporter cindy kenner will ask the questions.
Hi, i'm cindy.
Hi, i'm Roseanne.
Say, could I possibly get A little bit of pellegrino? You could if I knew what the hell that was.
Sorry, I forgot where I was.
You were in between asking me for a drink And getting punched in the face.
Here we go.
Let's start with him here and then her, And then her.
Okay, here we go, ready.
In three, two, one.
Today we've come to the little town of Lanford To ask some local restaurant people The question that's on everyone's lips This election year.
Is beef back? Does she have to think of all these questions every single day? When does she find the time to not eat? "is beef back?" Here at the lunch box located on route 9 Just half a mile south of hanging bat caverns We serve beef to our customers.
So beef is good.
And remember, Leon recommends lean.
Okay.
So is beef back? Well, i'm going to have to agree with Leon That low fat is the way to go, But today there are leaner cuts of beef, So who knows? Maybe someday, Beef won't have any fat at all.
Because the future is now And who knows what that's going to bring? Maybe we won't even have beef or cows Or cars, or we just will wear those jetpack things.
We'll just fly all over wherever we want to go.
And we'll eat food made out of, I don't know, Just old newspapers and air.
Oh, to be young again.
Okay.
Hi, andy.
Mommy's on tv.
Hi, is beef back? Well, I just wanna say that the only thing I don't like about fat Is that it doesn't have any sugar in it.
Okay, but doesn't a fatty diet-- I mean, won't it make you fat? So? A lot of people are fat, you know.
In fact, I think more american women look like me Than like you, you know? Yeah, but when you watch tv, there's no fat people on or anything.
When I watch that show "friends" that has all those whiny girls That are nothing but hair and bones, you know? And I watch them and they're drinking Those triple espressos and stuff, And i'm just like, "hey, go for the muffins.
" It kind of bugs me, you know, because, I feel like, "hey, I eat the same amount of food that they eat.
I just don't puke when i'm done.
" ( theme music playing ) ( laughs ) I must say planning a wedding for you and Darlene Is such a thrill.
Of course, my wedding gown Is gonna have to be let out a bit To accommodate her little bun in the oven.
Plus, i'm attaching styrofoam doves To the shoulder pads To draw the eye away from her waistline.
Mrs.
Harris-- Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you.
I've already called veils and tails.
They have plenty of tuxes in your size.
Why, they fit boys As young as four years old.
Well, that's very nice, but-- But what? We need music.
Do you have any ideas? Only scads.
Oh, Darlene, there you are.
Well, you've missed all the wedding planning fun, But David will catch you up.
Now i'll make myself disappear So you two lovebirds Can coo.
Poof! Well, I hope whatever she's on Becomes over-the-counter in our lifetime.
Now what the hell is going on in here? Your grandmother has lots of ideas for our wedding.
And you're saying okay to them? She's just trying to be nice.
David, that's just her cover.
God, and you think you're gonna be a conner? No, I thought you were gonna be a healy.
Oh, we'll get to that later.
Tell her no.
- what? - all these wedding plans she's roped you into, - you've gotta tell her no.
- I can't just say no.
Well, can you say, "ow, quit it, Darlene"? Okay, fine.
How do I do it? Well, you've gotta be tough.
You've gotta stay firm.
She's a really crafty manipulator.
Here, practice saying no to me.
No.
That's it.
I'm gonna go get mom to coach you.
No! Very good.
"go for the muffins," you know.
'cause I figure I eat the same amount of food that they eat.
I just don't puke when i'm done.
I'm wonderful.
Well, nobody loves Roseanne like Roseanne, huh? You're just bitter 'cause they cut all your stuff out.
That's not entirely true.
They did leave in that pithy epigram "beef is good.
" Three more words than I got in.
I'm really proud of you, honey.
You were great this morning.
- ( kisses ) - thanks, doll, and remember me When the ballots come out for the people's choice awards.
You've got it.
No, wait, if I vote for that, will I get called for jury duty? Hey, Roseanne.
Hey, what are you doing back here? Hi, joe, you know, normally my hair is a lot higher than this, But even the most perfect hair Can't stand up to beef steam.
Nice to see you again, Jackie.
Listen, can I talk to your sister for a sec? Huh? Uh, yeah, sure.
I was just in elgin on a story, Another kid in a well, you know.
Anyway, I thought i'd drop by and tell you the news.
Kid in a well.
Kind of takes you back, huh, Deej? Roseanne, your appearance on the show this morning, It was fantastic.
I mean, your whole opinionated blue-collar outlook, People just loved it.
See, Dan, all these years everybody thought I was a bitch, But what I had was An opinionated blue-collar outlook.
How'd you like to come on the show next week and be a commentator - on "wake up Chicago"? - yeah, and i'll give you a handful Of these magic beans.
I'm serious.
We want you to come on the show And do a one-minute piece commenting on anything you want.
- what do you say? - oh my god.
- oh my-- - honey, that's incredible.
Don't forget us when you're famous, mom.
Who are you? I don't know who he is, but I am the wind beneath your wings.
All right, let's slow down here, people.
I'll handle this.
Speaking as roseanne's manager Whatever.
We're gonna have to work out a couple of things here.
That's really-- you don't mind if I do that, do you? All right, first of all, what's the pay scale? What size dressing room does she have, And when we walk into that dressing room Are we gonna find a fruit basket? Jackie, it's all right.
She'll be paid very well for this.
Uh-huh, well, that's all well and good, But i'm not hearing the words "fruit basket.
" Fruit basket.
I think we can make this thing happen.
I'm real excited about this, Roseanne.
We'll give you a call with all the details, all right? And then I guess we'll see you in the studio.
She'll be there, and maybe you and I should get together - for a couple of beers and hammer out the details, - yeah yeah yeah.
You know, dot the is, cross the ts.
You call me day or night.
I am very hot on this project.
I can't believe it.
( stammers ) i'd better start thinking About what I would even say on there.
'cause I have to decide 'cause a lot of stuff does tick me off, You know, like politicians And big corporations And him.
Gee, Rosie, you really think they're gonna let you go on tv And say anything you want? Dan, Dan, Dan, don't get involved In things you don't know anything about.
Yeah, because that's what the guy said.
He said they wanted my opinionated blue-collar outlook, you know? And that's just what they're gonna get too.
Roseanne uncensored.
Oh, dear god, She is already referring to herself in the third person.
Hey, if she wants to refer to herself in the third person, There's not a damn thing you can do about it.
She's a star.
Hi! Hi, David! Sorry i'm late.
I had a brainstorm on the way over.
I've decided to drape the pews With battenberg lace To create a hallowed Yet whimsical aura Of love.
No.
You're right.
We don't have to drape it.
We can fan it.
Good for you.
Oh, i've auditioned a marvelous band For the wedding-- dave dunn and his swing cats.
Very peppy.
No.
No, Mrs.
Harris.
No to the band.
No to the lace.
No to all of it.
Aren't you cute, Teasing your-- Oh, why not say it even though it's two weeks away? --teasing your grandma.
Mrs.
Harris, I am sorry, but Darlene and I talked about this And we decided that we are planning the wedding alone Without your help.
- what? - i'm serious.
That's it.
It's over, the end.
But, David, I didn't get to plan a wedding For either one of my own daughters.
Becky eloped.
I probably won't be around for d.
J.
's wedding Or-- or jerry's.
I'm getting old, David.
( coughs ) Darlene was my last chance At a real wedding ( crying ) Oh, please, give me a break.
But all my plans, David.
This is so lame.
- ( mockingly ) boo-hoo-hoo! - oh! You're a horrible boy, horrible.
Hey, Darlene, look who's crying.
- David.
- you were right.
She tried everything, but I stood firm.
She's never cried before.
God, what did you do to her? You said to be prepared, that she would try every trick in the book.
I told you to stand firm, not completely crush her dreams.
What are you gonna do next, tell her charlton heston is gay? ( wailing ) But you-- Come on, grandma, i'll make you some tea.
- come on.
- we were talking so pleasantly And all of a sudden, he just attacked me.
As rescue workers continue to sift through the rubble, The tragic death toll stands at seven, But it's expected to climb during the rest of the day.
Thanks, don.
Hey, it's kids-are-king day at the lincoln park zoo.
Let's go there for the cutest report You've ever seen.
Excuse me, sweetheart.
Sweetheart.
Easy with the cotton swab.
My client's skin is her livelihood.
Can you believe it, Jackie? This is the same studio where oprah does her show.
Roseanne, we are on sacred ground.
Who would have ever thought that a little girl That grew up in Lanford, Illinois, Would make it all the way to Chicago, Illinois? Hey, Roseanne, just wanted to let you know That we are all really excited to have you here.
- well, thanks.
- good luck.
Thank you.
Hey, hitch up your skirt a little.
Your skeleton's showing.
Oh, hello, i'm rula lenska.
Hey, Roseanne, hi.
Jackie.
- oh, hi.
- how are you doing? You know, i'm just-- I like your slacks.
Thanks.
Well, we're almost ready.
You got any questions, Roseanne? Yeah, where's the bagels? Come on, i'll walk you to the studio.
You're on in a couple minutes.
"I like your slacks.
" Why don't you just pin him up against the table? Oh my god.
Oh my god, look.
I can't believe it.
I love you.
I can't believe i'm meeting don samuels.
I'm glad to meet you too.
Welcome aboard.
Wow, thanks.
Can you get me a bagel? - oh, no, we have people who bring those to you.
- oh.
I'll get you one.
- three minutes, joe.
- okay, let's set you up, Roseanne.
Have a seat over here.
Already? 'cause, I mean, we haven't even talked about What i'm gonna say.
What's to talk about? I read it.
I loved it.
Yeah, you loved it, as is? I mean, okay, you loved it, But I bet all the suits hated it.
No, everyone loved it.
Even cindy liked it.
So we're just-- like, just gonna go ahead then, huh? In two and a half minutes.
Jackie, do you care to watch in the booth with me? In the booth? Sure.
Go in a booth? Yeah, sure.
To watch what? Oh, the show.
Oh, okay, yeah.
Yeah, sure, okay.
So good luck.
Oh, I need a minute with my manager.
What? What do you need? Go pull the car around.
We're getting out of here.
- what do you mean? You're on in two minutes.
- I don't think I can do it.
Sure you can.
You heard what joe said.
Everybody here loves you.
They think you're gonna be great.
Yeah, I know, but that's the problem, Jackie.
I'm not used to people liking me.
I mean, if they thought I sucked or something, I'd be like, "i'll show those bastards," and then I could blow 'em away.
That's how I am, but everybody thinking-- Expecting me to be good, I just-- I just don't-- I just don't think I could deliver.
But, Roseanne, see, i've never seen you lack confidence Like this before, and that gets me all weak, And I can't take that now.
You know, not with everything else that's going on.
Fred called the other day, and I was so upset.
- then he called me right back, and I hung up on him.
- this is so not about you.
Well But what are we gonna do? Soon as that chimp puts down the accordion, - you are on.
- well, I don't know.
You're my manager.
Fix it or make me feel better or something.
Go get 'em.
You are fired.
That felt kind of good.
Well, wait wait.
Just think of it this way-- you're all scared Because everybody thinks you're great - and you don't have confidence-- - stop saying that.
It's the only way I can say it, but look at it this way-- Everybody out there in tv land is expecting you to fail.
- no, they're not.
- oh, yes, they are.
Look at yourself.
Come on.
You don't look like a cindy Or diane sawyer Or any other woman on tv.
See, as soon as they see you, They are gonna instantly dislike you.
- no, they're not.
- sure, and then the moment you open your mouth, I mean, that voice, god! So that's two strikes against you right in the very first second - of the broadcast.
- two strikes, huh? Go on.
Well, they're-- they're, you know-- Like, "hey.
Well, hey, who is this big-boned, Loudmouth banshee That's polluting my living room? Hey, may, get the remote.
Change it.
I don't care to what.
Just get this off my screen.
" You're not just saying that to make me feel better? Roseanne, think about it.
There's two million people out there Waiting for you to fail.
Two million? Plus mom.
Out of my way, Jackie.
It's time to wake up Chicago.
Attagirl! And mess your hair up.
You show 'em the true Roseanne.
Well, I kind of liked what they did with my hair.
It looks really good, so you go, girl! Okay, everybody, here we go.
In five, four, three, two Welcome back.
Now it's time to meet Roseanne conner With her special report from the heartland.
Roseanne Yeah, hello.
Well, while i've been here in the big city, I noticed that what you guys call daycare, We in small towns, we just call it babysitting.
I think you take a lot of things that are pretty simple And make 'em way too complicated.
Granted, moving all the holidays to Monday Was pure genius but now Tuesday sucks.
Hey, don, you wanna know what really gets my goat? - no, what? - it's those overchilled Little pats of butter they give you in restaurants.
I mean, come on, they're just way too hard.
I prefer whipped butter.
How about you, don? Butter? Do you think I really want to sit here And talk to you about butter? I-- I am a real journalist.
I was covering the korean war While your father was chasing your mother around the sock hop.
I've got shrapnel in my knee older than you.
Butter? Where were you when j.
F.
K.
Was shot? I was on that crowded sidewalk in dallas And I felt that hot lead whistle by my ear.
Butter? I drank shots with Edward R.
Murrow! If I have to listen to one more Of your stupid, inane stories, I am going to open a ( bleep ) vein! So, whipped it is.
( theme music playing )