The Middle s08e21 Episode Script

1 [Crow caws.]
Uh-oh.
Frosting emergency? I think you have a back-up can in the medicine cabinet.
No, I'm looking for something else.
And don't say "back-up can" like it's a regular thing.
I can stop whenever I want.
Hey, have you seen anything around the house recently that looks like I might have hidden it? [Gasps.]
Ooh, is it for Dad's birthday? No, this is for something important.
Axl's graduating in a few weeks, and I can't find the present I got him.
I was in a store, like, a year ago, and I stumbled across this thing it was touching, it was sentimental, it was the perfect gift.
So what is it? I don't remember.
I mean, it was like yea big or yea big.
I don't know.
I threw it in here somewhere, but I ooh, my back-up cookies.
Shut up.
It's okay.
So regarding things we can remember, - what are we doing for Dad's birthday? - [Scoffs.]
I'm not wasting any energy on that guy.
You know he's the least-fun birthday person ever.
He doesn't want to be sung to.
He doesn't want any presents.
I'm just gonna defrost that steak we got cheap at the Frugal Hoosier power-outage sale and leave him alone.
He'll be happy.
Okay, we can't just not do anything.
He sold his diaper business so I could go to school.
Besides, when you're over 50, you have to cherish every birthday.
What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing.
- I know what it means.
Listen, where would I have hidden something that I know I could find, but nobody else would? The basement? No, I don't hide things in the basement.
Or do I? [Sighs.]
Don't turn over 50.
Hey, friend.
[Sighs.]
Hi, Dylan.
You're just gonna leave me hanging? Do we have to do this every day? I just want to get to class.
What are you talking about? I'm just trying to greet my pal with a friendly handshake.
You know we're not friends.
Sure, we are.
And what do friends do? They shake hands.
I'll shake your hand.
Yow! Leave my boyfriend alone.
You're a weirdo.
[School bell rings.]
[Gasps.]
Wow.
Thanks.
Let's go, Brick.
Let me get that for you.
[Grunts.]
Ah, there you are.
Okay, listen.
I'm making a video for Dad's birthday.
Picture this his nearest and dearest recounting fond memories and funny stories all edited together into a cherished keepsake he can watch for the rest of his life.
[Laughs.]
I haven't even made it yet, and I can't wait to give it to him.
Oh, he'll love it.
Okay, do you remember when you were 5 and you wanted to wear makeup so you colored in your eyelid with permanent marker? That idea was 100 times better than this one.
[Scoffs.]
Okay, well, what are you gonna get him that's so great? I'm not getting him anything.
Every day, I give him the gift of being the only positive reflection of his DNA.
Okay, look, I'm doing this, so I need you to be camera-ready tomorrow at 3:00.
Study the questions.
I don't want to hear any "uhs" or "ums" or "whatevers.
" "If Dad was an animal, which one would he be?" "Which one of Dad's plaid shirts is my favorite, the dark blue or the light blue?" [Laughs.]
Yeah, I wanted to have at least one funny question.
Well, you didn't.
Uh, what? [Exhales sharply.]
What's with you? Nothing.
Good talk.
All right, you dragged it out of me.
It's something to do with Cindy.
What? Did you lose the stepladder you use to kiss her? Funny.
You know, I've always considered myself a modern man.
I believe women's rights are human rights, but [Sighs.]
today I was getting bullied.
You were getting bullied? Are you okay? Do I need to step in and talk some sense into this guy? No.
Cindy chased him away.
- Whoa.
- I know.
Being bullied didn't bother me so much as having my girlfriend stick up for me.
It made me feel less than 'cause Cindy's a girl, but it shouldn't have.
No, it definitely should have.
That is super embarrassing.
Just tell me it wasn't in front of people and they don't know you're a Heck.
I mean, I could tell you that.
I don't know.
In the past, it's never bothered me to be the kid who has to take a water break during the 50-yard dash or the guy at lunch who can't open his own banana, but I'm having trouble accepting the fact that my girlfriend is stronger than me.
And I don't know what to do about it.
I'm thinking I might need to get some of those muscles I've read about.
Mm.
Well, it just so happens, I can help you with that.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
I'll whip you into shape in no time.
We just got to gauge your starting point, so, uh, let's get a banana in here.
[Chuckles.]
But seriously, we should get a banana.
[Gasps.]
Mom, are you okay? Shh.
I'm trying to picture the last place I saw Axl's present.
And also what it was.
Okay, but did you get my e-mail? The subject line was, "Super Top Secret Do Not Open in Front of Dad.
" I don't read all your e-mails, Sue.
You e-mail me a lot.
Well, I need you to read over these questions - before I film you tomorrow.
- Film me? Wait, what exactly are you doing? I thought you were making him a glitter card or glitter cookies.
- You're so good with glitter.
- No.
I'm making him a video of people saying nice things about Dad.
Oh, Sue, he's gonna hate that.
- What? No, he's gonna love it.
- [Sighs.]
I know he acts like a tough guy, but he's got the squooshiest center.
You didn't see him at "Moana.
" I did.
Look, I've known your dad for over 20 years.
There's no squoosh in there.
Well, there is definitely gonna be some softening after this video.
I can promise you that.
Now, I need you to read over these questions.
I am counting on you for all the emotional tender stuff.
[Scoffs.]
I can't even find the present.
How am I supposed to remember why I used to love your dad? [Inhales sharply.]
Okay, got everything you need right here bench, curls, squats.
But our first exercise notebook toss.
Brick, you don't got to be writing it.
We're gonna be doing it.
I thought there was gonna be a learning portion first.
I don't need to be a hero.
There's no danger of that.
Now, let me show you what you're aiming for here.
Ahhh.
Oof.
[Spits.]
Huh? [Grunts.]
[Panting.]
Must be a little rusty.
I haven't been training.
I kind of shut the gun show down after football ended.
[Exhales sharply.]
[Grunts.]
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
I don't think this floor is level.
[Grunts, groans.]
[Sighs heavily.]
[Exhales.]
[Grunts.]
Notice how straight I'm keeping my body.
Arms parallel.
[Grunts.]
Always maintain - [Crashing.]
- proper form.
I'll pick those up.
[Panting.]
So how many of those should I do? I remember the time Dad took me to play tennis.
He got mad 'cause I brought my books, which the veins in his neck start popping out, but Sue: Cut.
Brick, these are supposed to be nice memories.
Uh, that is a nice memory.
Dad and I don't do a lot together.
Okay, well, it doesn't sound so nice.
Now I want heartfelt, so step it up.
Okay, make me feel something.
And action.
Here's a fond memory with Dad the time he tried to teach me how to drive.
The veins were really popping out of his neck then.
Brick, stop talking about veins.
Oh, all right, fine.
Sorry.
Um, let's see.
Well, one of my best times with Dad was when he had me rake leaves.
It was funny 'cause I was probably 9 at the time, and I was worried about the leaves being incinerated Cut.
Mom, I was finally getting something good out of Brick, and you're ruining my shot.
I am so close.
You can film Dad's thing anywhere.
Shh.
I don't want to spoil the surprise.
It's a secret.
Here's something that's not a secret.
Dad's gonna hate this video.
Okay, from other people, he might hate it, but not from me.
Now, Mom, will you please get out of my shot? I finally had a vein-free story from Brick, and you screwed it up.
That's actually not true.
The end of the story comes around nicely back to veins.
- Brick.
- [Gasps.]
Yes! Ha-ha! This is it.
Now I remember.
I was at the doughnut shop, and this new store, The Giftery, had opened next door.
I was in there killing time, when I came across this absolutely perfect Shoe horn? No, no, no, it's not just a shoe horn.
It's the "Busy Businessman's Luxury Shoe Care Kit.
" Oh, yeah, get it? 'Cause Axl's a business major.
I remember thinking this would be symbolic for when he gets a job.
I mean, it's got polish and a little applicator, and it comes in this handy carrying case.
Yeah, this sucks.
Ugh, crap.
Now I got to get him something else.
Oh, well, at least I got him a cute card a while ago.
Okay.
Frankie: So we celebrated Mike's birthday just the way he wanted I defrosted a steak, and he got to read Sports Illustrated at the table while the rest of us didn't talk.
Okay.
You can speak.
Happy birthday, Dad.
[Squeals.]
- All righty.
- Wait, wait, wait.
I got you a present.
You did? What for? I told you I didn't want anything.
And that's why I didn't get you anything.
You're welcome, Dad.
Consider Father's Day forgotten, too.
You're a good son.
Are you seriously gonna argue with me? Just take it, you big party pooper.
Happy birthday.
Okay.
It is a gift.
You open it.
Mm.
The "Busy Business Man's Luxury Shoe Care Kit.
" Ha! That sucks.
I love it.
Did you keep the receipt? No, wait, wait, wait.
I haven't given you my gift yet.
But mine isn't something that can be opened.
It must be experienced.
So if you would all be so kind as to follow me to the family room.
Leave the magazine.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
Now if you would all focus your attention to the TV.
Mike: That I can do.
Sue Sue Heck Productions proudly presents [ Up-tempo music plays.]
Good evening.
I'm Sue Heck.
And this is a celebration of Michael Heck.
[ Popping.]
[ Ding!.]
It all began here in 1963, the year this wonderful man, a man who means so much to the world, was born.
- [ Baby cries.]
- Sue: [Chuckles.]
I couldn't find a baby picture of you.
So what makes a man great? Let's find out, shall we? What do I love about Mike? Uh, well, obviously, I love him 'cause I married him.
And, um, what else? Well, he's a great provider.
Yeah, I would say he's my rock.
[ Clang.]
Happy B to the Big M from the Big A.
Wait, that sounds bathroom-y.
Can I start over? The cool about thing about Dad is his hair looks the same wet or dry.
He's my rock.
Oh, I said that already? Pbht.
Uh, if Dad were a spice, uh, I'd say he's salt.
Old Spice.
- [Both laugh.]
- Brick: Is beer a spice? 'Cause, if so, I'd say beer.
When there's no beer in the house, he gets tense, and this vein Mike, I didn't know it was your birthday.
You're just full of secrets, aren't you? Wait.
This isn't just family.
Nope.
Well, we're gonna have to have you over for dinner.
When's good for you? How's this Tuesday? Ron! Mike's coming over for dinner on Tuesday.
Three words that describe Mike? Only three? Oh, gosh, that's hard.
Hero, gentle giant shoot, that's already three.
Can I have one more? Which Mike? I got five Mikes.
- Sue: [Laughs.]
- You talked to my barber? [Laughing.]
Yeah.
Tall Mike got to put the chair all the way down when he comes in.
If Mike were a flavor of ice cream, he'd be vanilla.
Vanilla.
Vanilla, clearly.
Vanilla.
Vanilla.
Show me vanilla! George: Uh, I'm based in the corporate office, so I don't really know Mike Heck that well, which kind of makes it hard for me to share my favorite, uh, "Mike moment.
" Sue, that's my boss.
Surprise.
My favorite Mike moment is, sometimes, when he's getting out of his car, he pretends like he doesn't hear me calling from my yard, and he just walks into his house.
[ Laughs.]
Hilarious.
I have so many Mike moments, it's hard to pick.
Well, not a lot of people know this, but Mike loves cats.
One time, I came into the trailer on a break, and Mike was watching this video of kittens befriending a bunny rabbit.
Okay, that's enough.
- [Video fast forwards.]
- I get the gist.
Wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no.
Uh, there's, like, 15 more minutes left.
Brad does a special poem, and the bagger at Frugal Hoosier had a really funny story.
You're gonna miss it.
Yeah, well.
Here you go.
What do you want me to do with this? Well, the shoe kit's looking better.
What is the matter with you? I'm sorry.
I just don't like people making a big deal over me or talking about me or thinking about me.
Now I got to get a new barber, and I liked this guy, too.
I'd just gotten him to stop making small talk.
Okay, I know I'm married to a man with the emotional capacity of a garden gnome, so I'm used to the disappointment.
But Sue isn't.
She's really hurting.
Ah, she didn't look that upset.
[Scoffs.]
Because she was pretending everything was okay for your sake, which is what you should have been doing for her.
Oh, you're just being dramatic.
She's fine.
And just to be clear, that kitten video that just popped up when I was researching granite prices, so we're not gonna go sharing that with anybody.
Frankie: So Mike was positive that Sue was fine, but after having a little time to think it over Sue.
Sue: Yeah? Sorry.
Okay.
What are you doing? Nothing, nothing.
Just admiring the view.
How are those workouts coming? Well, I know I need to get in shape, so I did the only thing that made sense to me.
I went to the library and checked out a book.
Jack Lalanne's "Live Young Forever.
" - Oh, okay.
What's he doing now? - He's dead.
But before that, he was really cool.
He could lift all these heavy things.
He once pulled 70 boats.
My goal is 15.
That should be enough to impress Cindy.
Look, Brick, you don't need a book.
You got me as your trainer.
No offense, Axl, but things weren't really going that well in the garage.
It's been two days, and I think I might have actually lost muscle mass.
That's just all part of the workout program I've created specifically for your body.
Right now you're like a lump of clay, but you give me some time, I'm gonna mold you into a work of fine art.
It's like the statue of David.
You think Michael and Angelo sculpted that thing overnight? No.
Took those guys years.
Yeah I just don't think someone who's on the decline physically should be teaching me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Decline? [Laughs.]
Decli wha? Who said I'm declining? I'm not declining.
Look, it's perfectly natural.
In my research, I found that men hit their physical peak at age 25, then slowly decline.
You're just a little ahead of schedule.
From here on out, you're pretty much just gonna atrophy.
Got enough trophies, Brick.
And, yeah, maybe I let myself go a little bit, but I just got to do a few pushups, I'll be back in shape like that.
Ow, cramp.
[ Laughter on TV.]
Come on.
Where are we going? Ice cream.
Let's go.
No, thanks.
My treat.
You're gonna want to be there.
I'm thinking of ordering something besides vanilla.
It's all right.
I'm not hungry.
[ Laughter on TV.]
The next day, Axl was still bugged by what Brick said.
I mean, if Jack Lalanne could pull 70 boats, surely there's something he could do.
[Exhales.]
[Grunts.]
[Panting.]
You're a man.
You're a man.
You're a big, strong man.
[Grunts.]
Axl: Aah! [Groans.]
I don't want to talk about it, Brick.
We're never mentioning this ever again.
No one needs to know I only moved the 'Bago two feet.
You didn't move it at all.
You're mean.
This isn't fair.
Used to be, I was feeling weak, I'd just do a couple of pushups and get my strength right back, but, my God, what is happening to me? You think it was all those Froot Loop sandwiches? Oh, God.
[Scoffs.]
Froot Loop sandwiches.
Don't look at my big butt.
Axl, get a hold of yourself.
I got rescued by my girlfriend, and even I'm embarrassed for you.
Look, I'm about to graduate.
Pretty soon, I'm gonna be sitting at a desk all day doing whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing, and I'm just gonna decay.
I am one step closer to becoming Mom and Dad.
Hey, there's a silver lining in this.
Yes, men peak physically in their mid-20s, but they don't peak mentally till age 35.
You're still in the upswing.
Mental's never really been my strong suit.
Well, it just so happens I can help you with that.
- Really? - Yep.
By the time I'm done with you, your brain is gonna be ripped.
Now, let's start with PBS.
Ugh.
This is gonna be so hard.
- Got to put in the work.
- [Sighs.]
Oh, and by the way, Michael and Angelo one guy.
What? I hope it's okay I'm driving you back to school.
Mom was gonna, but she's busy, and I got nothing going on.
It's fine.
Thank you.
What? You know, for the, uh, whole video thing.
That was nice.
Okay.
I don't get it.
I said, "Thank you," I said, "I'm sorry," I said, "Ice cream," and nothing's sticking.
I'm trying, but I'm not getting any traction here.
It's like I'm talking to your mom.
It's all right, Dad.
I'm really not that upset.
I know that's just how you are.
[Sighs.]
Look, growing up in my family, we didn't, you know, talk or, you know, express things on birthdays or holidays or Even when my Mom died, I came home from basketball practice one day, and my dad said, "Your mom passed.
" Then he told me to go do my homework.
The next morning, I went to school.
We never talked about it again.
Really? Oh, my gosh, that's horrible.
It's just the way it was.
Well, you're not like that, you know.
I mean, you're way better than Grandpa.
When I try to hug him, he just says, "Oh, you don't want to hug an old man.
" But you tolerate my hugs all the time.
Well, he cares about you.
He's just not real comfortable saying it.
We all do.
Care about you.
I know.
How did she die again? Lung cancer.
She was young, just 42.
But the way she used to dance around the house, you'd have thought she was 20.
She was always singing, always moving.
I can still see her at the kitchen sink doing dishes and humming to herself.
When I'd be playing in the kitchen, she'd call me over and scoop some soap suds in her hands and bend down and let me blow the bubbles.
Aww.
I wish I had met her.
Yeah.
Well, you'd have liked her.
She was nice.
- She was a teacher, right? - Mm-hmm.
Third grade and then fifth.
Once, when she was working as a substitute, - she actually taught my class.
- [Gasps.]
I was sitting there and in walks my mom.
[Laughs.]
Classic.
[Both laugh.]
Unh-unh, unh-unh.
I've been doing a little work on myself.
I can get this for m'lady.
[Grunts.]
Okay.
Actually, that's a little too heavy.
Yeah.
Yeah, I've been doing some lifting.
- Weights? - No, books.
I started with Jack Lalanne's "Live Young Forever," but I'm thinking about upgrading to an encyclopedia or maybe even an almanac.