Cheers s08e22 Episode Script
Loverboyd
(Sam) CHEERS IS FILMED BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
GOOD AFTERNOON, EVERYONE.
HAVE I MISSED ANYTHING? UH, WELL, WE'RE JUST HAVING A LITTLE BIT OF SPRING TRAINING DEBATE OVER HERE.
MMM.
WHO DO YOU, UH, WHO DO YOU PICK FOR THE PENNANT THIS YEAR, HUH? WELL, IF THAT'S NOT THE MOST LOADED QUESTION I'VE EVER HEARD.
UH, WHO ARE YOU ALL GOING WITH, UH, BOSTON, PERCHANCE? UH, AS COINCIDENCE WOULD HAVE IT, YEAH.
YOU KNOW, WE GO THROUGH THE SAME CHARADE EVERY YEAR.
COLORED BY YOUR HOMETOWN CHAUVINISM, YOU THROW STATISTICS AND FEASIBILITY TO THE WIND AND PREDICT BOSTON, AND YOU'RE USUALLY WRONG.
WELL, I'M GOING OUT ON A LIMB THIS YEAR.
I'M GOING TO BE THE ONLY ONE TO PICK THE NEW YORK YANKEES.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE TO PICK THE YANKEES, FRASE.
I'M NOT? (Carla) NO.
STEVE PICKED THEM, TOO.
HEY, WOODY, IS STEVE BACK THERE WITH YOU? (Woody) YOU BET, CARLA.
[Steve exclaiming in muffled voice.]
(Frasier) YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH.
YOU SEE, I--I PICKED THE YANKEES TO LOSE, YOU SEE? I, UH, I LOVE THE RED SOX.
DON'T HURT ME, PLEASE.
SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME AND THEY'RE ALWAYS GLAD YOU CAME YOU WANNA BE WHERE YOU CAN SEE OUR TROUBLES ARE ALL THE SAME YOU WANNA GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME HEY, EVERYBODY.
OH, SAM, YOU'RE JUST THE GUY I'VE BEEN LOOKIN' FOR.
WHY IS THAT, WOODY? 'CAUSE YOU WEREN'T HERE.
CHECK THIS OUT, SAM.
IT'S A PROMISE RING FOR KELLY.
BY GIVIN' HER THIS RING, I'M MAKIN' A DEEP AND SOLEMN PROMISE THAT SOMEDAY I'M GONNA GIVE HER AN ENGAGEMENT RING.
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, MAN.
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
I'VE GIVEN A LOT OF THOSE TO WOMEN.
OF COURSE, UH, IN MY CASE, IT WAS A DEEP AND SOLEMN PROMISE THAT THEIR BACKS WILL ARCH.
SO, UH, WOODWORTH, WHY THE, UH, SUDDEN JUMP ON THE OLD BULLET TRAIN TO COMMITMENTVILLE, HUH? WELL, UM, KELLY'S LEAVIN' TOMORROW.
HER DAD'S SENDIN' HER TO EUROPE TO STUDY FOR A YEAR.
I WANNA GIVE HER THIS RING SO SHE WON'T FORGET ME.
GOD, A WHOLE YEAR.
I'M GONNA BE ONE LOST AND LONELY SOUL.
MMM.
[laughing.]
"BULLET TRAIN TO COMMITMENTVILLE.
" YOU CRACK ME UP, MR.
CLAVIN.
THANK YOU, WOODY.
WOODY, YOU CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOUR BELOVED KELLY WOULD ACTUALLY FORGET YOU.
WELL, I LOVE KELLY AND ALL, DR.
CRANE, BUT YOU GOTTA ADMIT, SHE'S NO ROCKET SCIENTIST.
YEAH.
I SYMPATHIZE, WOODY.
I ONCE, UH, EXPERIENCED A PAINFUL SEPARATION MYSELF.
A WOMAN I CARED VERY, VERY DEEPLY ABOUT LEFT ME.
OH, YEAH.
YOUR MOM MOVED TO FLORIDA.
SHE'S RIGHT.
I THINK I'M GONNA GO AND GIVE THAT LITTLE CUTIE A CALL RIGHT NOW.
WOW.
KELLY GOING TO STUDY IN EUROPE.
WELL, IT'LL BE TOUGH ON YOU, WOODY, BUT, BOY, WHAT AN OPPORTUNITY FOR HER.
YEAH.
YOU'RE RIGHT, MISS HOWE.
YOU KNOW, AND IF I KNOW HER FATHER, SHE'S NOT GONNA HAVE TO DO IT LIKE I DID.
BACKPACKING, HANGING OUT IN SEEDY YOUTH HOSTELS, HITCHING RIDES WITH SLEAZY LOCALS WHO USE THEIR INABILITY AS AN EXCUSE TO GIVE YOU DIRECTIONS ON YOUR SWEATER.
THAT SWEET LITTLE KELLY GIRL WILL GET EVERYTHING HANDED TO HER ON A SILVER PLATTER.
I HOPE SHE CHOKES ON EUROPE.
WELL, MISS HOWE SHOULDN'T BE MAD AT KELLY.
I MEAN, IT'S HER DAD'S IDEA.
HE'S JUST SENDIN' HER AWAY TO HURT ME.
OH, COME ON, WOODY.
PROBABLY DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
HE PROBABLY JUST WANTS TO PROVE TO HIS FRIENDS THAT HE'S RICH ENOUGH TO SEND HIS DAUGHTER TO A FANCY SCHOOL IN EUROPE.
HAS IT OCCURRED TO ANYONE THAT KELLY MIGHT JUST WANT THE BEST EDUCATION MONEY CAN BUY? WELL, THAT COULD BE, DR.
CRANE, BUT I THINK HE'S SENDIN' HER TO EUROPE TO GET HER AWAY FROM ME.
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT? BECAUSE HE TOLD ME SO.
AFTERNOON, EVERYBODY.
(all) NORM! NICE COLD BEER COMING UP, MR.
PETERSON.
YOU MEAN, NICE COLD BEER GOING DOWN MR.
PETERSON.
WAIT A MINUTE.
NOT SO FAST.
WHAT? IT'S TIME FOR US TO PICK OUR DESIGNATED DRIVER FOR THE NIGHT.
[Norm groaning.]
OK, YOU ALL KNOW THE RULES.
WRITE YOUR NAMES DOWN ON A SLIP OF PAPER.
UH, YOU KNOW, I UNDERSTAND YOU CAN, UH, TELL A LOT ABOUT A PERSON BY ANALYZING THEIR SIGNATURE.
YOU EVER-- YOU EVER, UH, GET INTO THAT, DOC? OH, COME ON.
I'M A TRAINED PSYCHIATRIST, NOT SOME FORTUNE-TELLER IN A CHEAP CARNIVAL TENT.
YEAH, WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.
I ALWAYS, UH, WONDERED WHAT MY SIGNATURE SAID ABOUT ME.
MOTHER OF GOD! WHAT? AND THE LUCKY LOSER IS YEESH! CLIFF CLAVIN.
YOU ALL GET TO RIDE SHOTGUN IN A BRAND-NEW POSTAL VEHICLE.
OH, GREAT.
WE'LL ALL HAVE A RIDE, BUT WE'LL ALL GO TO THE WRONG ADDRESS.
THAT BETTER BE THE BEER TALKING.
WELL, CLIFFIE, I GUESS THAT'S JUST THE LUCK OF THE DRAW, HUH? SPEAKING OF DRAW, SAMMY-- WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT'S THIS? WHAT? WHAT? GIVE ME THAT.
NO! WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS SAYS "NORM PETERSON.
" [all groaning.]
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! YOU DIDN'T PUT THIS IN THE HAT! OH, IT'S SUPPOSED TO GO IN THE HAT? [all groaning.]
COME ON.
LOOK, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU DONE THIS? WELL, I'M EMBARRASSED TO SAY THIS IS MY VERY FIRST TIME.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU CHEATED? OH, I THOUGHT YOU MEANT GETTING CAUGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
THANKS TO YOUR GOOD BUDDY, NORM PETERSON, THE FIRST DRAWING IS NULL AND VOID.
OK, EVERYBODY.
ONCE AGAIN, NAMES IN THE HAT.
(Carla) COME ON.
I'M WATCHING YOU, PETERSON.
DON'T WATCH ME, CARLA.
WHAT, YOU THINK I LIKE IT? ALL RIGHT.
AND THE LUCKY LOSER IS NORM PETERSON.
[all exclaiming.]
WELL, WELL, WELL.
GREAT.
GREAT.
FIRST TIME I ENTER THIS DAMN THING.
YOU COULDN'T PICK "NORM PETERSON" OR "NORM PETERSON"? [mumbling.]
WELL, "FRASIER CRANE.
" AT LEAST ONE PERSON HERE IS HONEST.
I BEG YOUR PARDON.
I WROTE "NORM PETERSON.
" I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
I WROTE THAT.
HI, WOODY.
OH, HEY, KELLY.
I DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE YOU HERE.
OH, WOODY, I'M LEAVING FOR EUROPE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, AND I WANTED TO SPEND EVERY SINGLE FREE MINUTE OF THE TIME I HAVE LEFT WITH YOU.
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
BUT FIRST, I HAVE TO GET MY HAIR DONE.
OH, THEN I HAVE TO GET MY SHOTS, AND I HAVE TO BUY A NEW BATHING SUIT.
OH, AND I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED PACKING.
SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, KELLY? I GUESS, BYE.
WELL, AT LEAST WE HAD THIS TIME TOGETHER.
OH, LISTEN, BEFORE YOU GO, THERE'S SOMETHIN' I WANT TO GIVE YOU.
THIS IS A PROMISE RING.
BY GIVING YOU THIS RING, I'M MAKIN' A PROMISE THAT SOMEDAY I'M GONNA BE GIVING YOU AN ENGAGEMENT RING.
OH, WOODY, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S BEEN IN MY FAMILY FOR YEARS.
MY DAD GAVE IT TO SOME CHICK ON GUAM.
THAT--THAT WAS BEFORE HE MET MY MOM.
OH.
WOODY, I'LL NEVER TAKE IT OFF.
YEAH.
BUT WHY ARE YOU GIVING THIS TO ME RIGHT NOW? OH, WELL, I'M ON A BREAK RIGHT NOW.
NOT SINCE MYRNA LOY AND WILLIAM POWELL HAVE I HEARD SUCH A RICH COLLECTION OF WITTICISMS EXCHANGED IN SUCH A PITHY MANNER.
WAS THAT, THAT, UH, DRUNK COUPLE WHO WAS ALWAYS FIGHTING IN THE POOL ROOM THERE? NO.
THOSE WERE THE LUNTS.
WELL, I'M--I'M GIVIN' THIS TO YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA BE IN EUROPE, AND YOU'RE GONNA BE MEETIN' ALL THOSE RICH DUKES AND EARLS AND COUNTS AND BASIES AND STUFF, YOU KNOW.
WOODY, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
I LOVE YOU.
[chuckling.]
AND BESIDES, I'LL PROBABLY BE SO BUSY WITH MY STUDIES THAT I WON'T HAVE TIME FOR ANYTHING ELSE.
REALLY? WH-WHAT ARE YOU STUDYING? FRENCH, ECONOMICS, AND NUDE MALE FIGURE DRAWING.
WELL, THAT OUGHT TO KEEP YOU REAL BUSY.
YO, PETERSON.
I NEED A RIDE.
WHAT, YOU GOING HOME ALREADY? NO, DOWN TO THE CORNER SO I CAN BUY A PACK OF GUM.
GUM? NORM.
(Norm) WHAT? THIS IS YOUR DUTY.
NOW FINISH YOUR SHIRLEY TEMPLE AND DRIVE HIM.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I'LL DRIVE YOU TO GET SOME GUM.
HEY, I KNOW, AFTER WE GET THE GUM, WHY DON'T I TAKE YOU ON A TOUR OF THE FREEDOM TRAIL? CAN WE PICK UP MY KID? I WAS JOKING.
HE'LL BE HEARTBROKEN.
WELL, WOODY, I KIND OF WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY TO EUROPE RIGHT NOW, WHAT WITH US GETTING SO CLOSE AND EVERYTHING.
MMM.
DADDY REALLY WANTS ME TO GO, AND, WELL, YOU KNOW HOW HE IS.
DO I EVER.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? NOTHING.
I--I JUST KNOW HOW HE IS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "IS"? WELL, HE CAN BE SORT OF YOU KNOW.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "YOU KNOW"? SAME THING AS "IS.
" HEY.
ARE YOU PUTTING DOWN DADDY? I'M NOT PUTTING DOWN DADDY.
DON'T CALL HIM "DADDY.
" HE'S NOT YOUR DADDY, HE'S MY DADDY.
WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING, BECAUSE MY DADDY DOESN'T TREAT ME LIKE A BABY.
[exclaiming.]
WOODY BOYD, WHAT AN AWFUL THING TO SAY.
I'M SORRY, KELLY.
I TAKE IT BACK.
WELL, YOU CAN TAKE THIS BACK, TOO.
I CAN'T TAKE THIS BACK.
I DON'T EVEN HAVE A RECEIPT.
WELL, THEN, I GUESS YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND THE PERSON WHO HAS IT AND GIVE IT BACK TO THEM, SO THEY CAN RETURN IT AND GET CREDIT.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.
NO, REALLY.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN? STOP IT, WOODY.
YOU CAN'T MAKE UP NOW.
NO, REALLY.
CAN ANYBODY TELL ME WHAT IT MEANS? EVENING, EVERYBODY.
(all) NORM! WHAT ARE YOU KNOWIN' THERE, NORM? HOW TO SIT, HOW TO DRINK.
WANNA QUIZ ME? HERE YOU GO, BIG FELLA.
SORRY.
NO SUDS TONIGHT, NORM.
YOU ARE STILL OUR DESIGNATED DRIVER, REMEMBER? I KNOW THAT.
YOU KNOW THAT.
DID YOU HAVE TO CALL EVERY BAR IN TOWN AND TELL THEM? HEY, NORM, CAN I GET A LIFT HOME? ALL RIGHT.
HEY, WOODY, YOU GONNA HAVE TO GET YOUR MIND OFF YOUR PROBLEMS WITH KELLY.
IS IT THAT OBVIOUS, SAM? WELL, YOU'RE PEELING YOUR THUMB.
THANK GOD YOU TOLD ME BEFORE I PUT IT IN SOMEONE'S DRINK.
I JUST CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT, SAM.
I'VE REALLY BLOWN IT WITH KELLY.
NOW SHE'S GONNA GO OFF AND MARRY ONE OF THOSE WORLDLY EUROPEAN GUYS FOR SURE.
WOODY, NOTHING LIKE THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
REALLY, MISS HOWE? NO, WOODY.
THOSE WEALTHY EUROPEAN ROYALS ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR PRINCESS BUTTON-NOSE AND HER DADDY.
SO, BECKS, WHAT'S THIS THING YOU HAVE AGAINST RICH PEOPLE? I MEAN, YOU'RE DATING A RICH GUY, AND YOU WANT TO BE RICH YOURSELF, RIGHT? YES.
AND WHEN I AM RICH, I WILL STOP HATING RICH PEOPLE, AND START HATING POOR PEOPLE.
IT'S THE AMERICAN WAY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S OVER.
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S LEAVIN' ME.
OH, COME ON.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT FOR? YOU GONNA GIVE UP AFTER ONE LITTLE SPAT? WHAT ELSE CAN I DO? WELL, YOU--YOU CAN RUN TO HER, HOLD HER IN YOUR ARMS, AND TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER.
COME ON, MAN.
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
(Woody) SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING, WOOD? SAM WANTS ME TO ELOPE.
NO! WOODY, WOODY, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ELOPING.
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
I JUST MEANT YOU SHOULD GO OVER TO HER PLACE AND MAYBE MAKE OUT A LITTLE BIT.
WELL, YEAH.
AND TO DO THAT, WE GOTTA GET MARRIED, RIGHT? KIDS TODAY.
WOODY-- EXCUSE ME.
I'LL HANDLE THIS.
WOODY, LISTEN TO ME.
I ONCE WAS DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH A BOY THAT MY PARENTS DID NOT APPROVE OF, AND I THOUGHT ABOUT ELOPING.
BUT FORTUNATELY, I CAME TO MY SENSES.
I MEAN, CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED TO ME IF I HAD MARRIED HIM? YEAH, MAYBE YOU'D BE HAPPY NOW, INSTEAD OF WHINING AND BEING DUMPED ON YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
GO GET HER, WOODY.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! WOODY, WOODY, COME ON.
STOP, HERE, KID.
THINK A LITTLE BIT.
NO, SAM.
THAT'S ALL I'VE DONE MY WHOLE LIFE, IS THINK, THINK, THINK.
THERE COMES A TIME WHEN YOU GOTTA STOP THINKING.
YOU TAUGHT ME THAT, SAM.
WELL, I--I JUST WANT YOU TO BE SURE, MAN.
THAT'S ALL.
SAM, I AM SURE.
I LOVE KELLY.
I'M WILLING TO RISK EVERYTHING TO MAKE HER MRS.
WOODROW TIBERIUS BOYD.
TIBERIUS? YOU NEVER TOLD US THAT WAS YOUR MIDDLE NAME.
YEAH, RIGHT.
I NEVER TOLD KELLY, EITHER.
MAYBE I'D BETTER JUST FORGET THIS WHOLE THING.
(Sam) HEY.
HEY, BRO, COME ON.
NO, NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
NOW, I-I-I'VE ACCEPTED THE FACT THAT HER MIDDLE NAME IS SUSAN.
I'M GONNA GO FOR IT.
OH, HEY, SAM, WOULD YOU COME WITH ME? I MEAN, YOU'RE KIND OF LIKE A BIG BROTHER TO ME, AND I DON'T THINK I COULD TAKE A BIG STEP LIKE THIS WITHOUT YOU THERE TO SUPPORT ME.
AH.
WELL, THANKS, WOODY.
I'M--I'M VERY TOUCHED.
YEAH.
I NEED SOMEONE STRONG TO HOLD THE LADDER.
THANKS, WOODY.
I'M VERY TOUCHED.
[speaking quietly.]
THAT'S NOT HER ROOM, EITHER.
WELL, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG UP THERE? GHOSTBUSTERS WAS ON T.
V.
I LOVE THAT MOVIE.
OH, YEAH.
IT'S CRIMINAL THE WAY IT GOT SNUBBED BY THE OSCARS THAT YEAR.
YEAH, IT STILL TICKS ME OFF.
LET'S TRY OVER HERE.
EVENING, EVERYBODY.
NORM! GUESS I DROVE EVERYONE ELSE HOME, HUH? THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, NORM, I'M PROUD OF YOU.
I RODE YOU PRETTY HARD FOR CHEATING, BUT YOU REALLY CAME THROUGH.
[sighing.]
WELL, THANK YOU.
NOW CAN I HAVE A BEER? NOPE, WE'RE CLOSED.
ALL RIGHT.
I GUESS I DESERVED THAT, CHEATIN' THE WAY I DID.
TONIGHT ACTUALLY TURNED OUT TO BE A PRETTY REWARDING EXPERIENCE.
WHAT ARE YOU TELLING ME, YOU LIKED CARTIN' THOSE GUYS ALL OVER TOWN? NO, I DIDN'T CART 'EM ALL OVER TOWN.
I JUST DROPPED THEM ALL OFF AT YOUR PLACE.
GREAT.
I FINALLY GET MY KIDS TO STOP ROLLING DRUNKS, AND NOW YOU HAVE TO GO AND PUT TEMPTATION IN THEIR PATH.
I AM TELLING YOU, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO RAISE A FAMILY IN THE '90s.
OK.
SOMETHING COLD AND GERMAN, PERHAPS? [whispering.]
GOOD NEWS, WOODY.
[whispering.]
ALL RIGHT.
YOU FINALLY FOUND KELLY'S BEDROOM? NO, I JUST MET THE CUTEST LITTLE CHAMBERMAID.
SHE WAS MAKIN' POPCORN.
YOU WANT SOME? SAM, HOW CAN YOU THINK OF POPCORN WHEN MY LIFE AND HAPPINESS ARE AT STAKE? IT'S CHEDDAR.
OOH, GIMME.
THANK YOU.
(Sam) OUCH! OH, SORRY, SAM.
YEAH.
THIS IS KELLY'S ROOM, ALL RIGHT, SAM.
[gargling.]
HOW CAN YOU TELL? THAT'S HER GARGLE.
WOODY, SAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? KELLY, I WANNA MARRY YOU.
I WANNA ELOPE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.
YOU MEAN EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD TO ME, AND NOTHIN' IS GONNA STOP ME-- HEY, YOU DO HAVE OVER 1,000 BARBIE DOLLS.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST BRAGGIN'.
WOODY, I JUST CAN'T RUN OFF AND MARRY YOU AT THE DROP OF A HAT.
BOY, THIS IS A GREAT LITTLE COMB.
TEETH AREN'T TOO WIDE, NICE FLEXIBILITY, GOOD HEFT.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR ONE OF THESE FOR MY EYEBROWS.
THAT ONE'S FOR BLONDES.
FOR-- [chuckling.]
JEEZ, YOU ARE RICH.
YOU KNOW, IT--IT'S NOT RIGHT FOR YOU TO BE HERE.
YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE SEEING ME LIKE THIS.
I'M NOT DECENT.
WELL, IT'S ALL RIGHT, KELLY.
I DIDN'T LOOK.
YEAH, I DID, SAM.
KELLY, I WANNA SAY SOMETHIN'.
I'M NOT JUST GONNA STAND STILL WHILE YOU RUN OFF TO EUROPE.
I LOVE YOU, KELLY, AND I WANNA MAKE YOU MRS.
WOODROW TIBERIUS BOYD.
TIBERIUS? SUSAN! HEY, HEY, HEY, WHOA.
KIDS, KIDS, CALM DOWN! WHY IS EVERYBODY MAKING SUCH A BIG FUSS ABOUT THEIR MIDDLE NAME? WHAT'S YOURS, SAM? HEY, SHUT UP.
THE POINT-- SIT DOWN HERE.
THE POINT IS THAT YOU SHOULD BE SHARING WITH EACH OTHER HOW YOU FEEL.
NAMES DON'T MATTER.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU SHOULD GET MARRIED, BUT-- NO, NO.
LET'S GET MARRIED.
OH, THAT'LL BE A BLAST.
WELL, WHETHER YOU GET MARRIED OR NOT, WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS TO SHARE HOW YOU FEEL.
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM, HOW HE FEELS ABOUT YOU.
WOODY, I KNOW HE'S YOUR FRIEND AND ALL-- BEAT IT, SAM.
BOY, G.
I.
JOE SHOULD COME HERE ON LEAVE SOMEDAY.
KELLY, YOU MEAN EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD TO ME.
AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT SOMEDAY I'M GONNA GIVE YOU BACK EVERYTHING YOU'VE GIVEN UP BY MARRYING ME.
OH, WOODY, I DON'T NEED ALL THOSE THINGS.
I'D LIVE IN A COLD-WATER FLAT IN THE SEEDIEST PART OF TOWN TO BE WITH YOU.
THEN HAVE I GOT A SURPRISE HONEYMOON SUITE FOR YOU.
WELL, LET'S GO.
LOOK, I'M ALL PACKED FOR EUROPE, SO ALL I HAVE TO DO IS TAKE OUT MY PASSPORT AND VOLTAGE CHANGER, AND WE'RE ALL SET.
(Mr.
Gaines) KELLY.
KELLY, DEAR.
OH, NO.
WOODY, QUICK.
IN THE CLOSET.
(Woody) WOW.
WHAT ARE ALL THESE BARBIE LEGS DOING HERE? SOMETIMES I GET MAD.
[knocking on door.]
COME IN, DADDY.
AH, HONEY.
SO, MY LITTLE KELLY-BELLE IS LEAVING ME.
[chuckling.]
LEAVING YOU? WHY DO YOU SAY THAT, DADDY? I'M NOT GOING AWAY.
WELL, YOU'RE GOING OFF TO EUROPE.
OH, THERE.
YEAH, WELL, I DON'T THINK OF THAT AS AWAY.
LOOK AT YOU NOW.
ALL GROWN-UP AND BEAUTIFUL.
I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK OF A LITTLE, TOWHEADED BUTTERBALL TAKING HER FIRST STEPS.
NOW I'M SENDING YOU OFF TO SEE THE WORLD.
AND IF, WHEN YOU COME BACK, YOU STILL WANT TO BE WITH WOODY, WELL, THAT'LL BE FINE WITH ME, 'CAUSE I'LL KNOW YOU'RE MAKING A GROWN-UP DECISION.
BUT NO MATTER HOW GROWN-UP YOU GET, YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY ONLY KELLY, AND I'LL ALWAYS BE YOUR ONLY DADDY TILL THE DAY I DIE.
OH.
[chuckling.]
SWEET DREAMS, SWEETHEART.
[door closing.]
OK, WOODY! LET'S GO! WOODY? [crying.]
I CAN'T DO IT! GOD, HE'S YOUR ONLY DADDY! I'M JUST SOME GUY WITH A LADDER! BUT, WOODY, WHAT ABOUT US? I CAN'T TAKE AWAY HIS LITTLE BUTTER-HEADED TOWBALL.
I THINK YOU SHOULD GO TO EUROPE.
ARE YOU SURE, WOODY? AS SURE AS CORN CHIGGERS IN AUGUST.
WELL, IF--IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, WOODY, THEN I'LL--I'LL GO TO EUROPE.
BUT HOW WILL I KNOW YOU'LL STILL BE HERE FOR ME WHEN I GET BACK? WELL, HOW 'BOUT THIS? WE COULD GET SECRETLY ENGAGED.
OH, YES, WOODY.
THAT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA.
I-IT'LL BE OUR SPECIAL SECRET.
I'LL BE IN EUROPE, AND YOU'LL BE HERE, AND WE'LL HAVE AN UNSPOKEN BOND ACROSS THE OCEAN.
OH, THAT SOUNDS SWELL.
SO YOU WON'T DATE ANY OTHER GUYS WHILE YOU'RE IN EUROPE? WELL, WOODY, IF I DON'T DATE ANY OTHER GUYS, THEN PEOPLE MIGHT SUSPECT THAT I'M SECRETLY ENGAGED.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH.
SO I'LL HAVE TO DO THE SAME THING BACK HERE IN THE STATES.
EXCEPT, OF COURSE, I'LL DATE WOMEN.
RIGHT, WOODY.
YEAH.
NOW WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE-- YOU'RE NOT ALREADY SECRETLY ENGAGED TO SOMEONE ELSE, ARE YOU? NO, BUT EVEN IF I WERE, I COULDN'T TELL YOU BECAUSE IT'D BE A SECRET.
BOY, I CAN TRUST YOU.
AND I KNOW THAT YOU'RE GONNA COME BACK TO ME, AND THEN WE'RE GONNA SPEND THE REST OF OUR LIVES TOGETHER.
SO I JUST WANNA HOLD THIS MOMENT IN MY MIND.
I JUST WANNA LOOK AT YOU ONE LAST TIME, THEN I'M GONNA GO.
[thudding.]
(Woody) SAM? WHERE'S THE LADDER? SAM.
SAM? [theme from Ghostbusters playing.]
(man on T.
V.
) WHO YOU GONNA CALL? (both) GHOSTBUSTERS!
GOOD AFTERNOON, EVERYONE.
HAVE I MISSED ANYTHING? UH, WELL, WE'RE JUST HAVING A LITTLE BIT OF SPRING TRAINING DEBATE OVER HERE.
MMM.
WHO DO YOU, UH, WHO DO YOU PICK FOR THE PENNANT THIS YEAR, HUH? WELL, IF THAT'S NOT THE MOST LOADED QUESTION I'VE EVER HEARD.
UH, WHO ARE YOU ALL GOING WITH, UH, BOSTON, PERCHANCE? UH, AS COINCIDENCE WOULD HAVE IT, YEAH.
YOU KNOW, WE GO THROUGH THE SAME CHARADE EVERY YEAR.
COLORED BY YOUR HOMETOWN CHAUVINISM, YOU THROW STATISTICS AND FEASIBILITY TO THE WIND AND PREDICT BOSTON, AND YOU'RE USUALLY WRONG.
WELL, I'M GOING OUT ON A LIMB THIS YEAR.
I'M GOING TO BE THE ONLY ONE TO PICK THE NEW YORK YANKEES.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE TO PICK THE YANKEES, FRASE.
I'M NOT? (Carla) NO.
STEVE PICKED THEM, TOO.
HEY, WOODY, IS STEVE BACK THERE WITH YOU? (Woody) YOU BET, CARLA.
[Steve exclaiming in muffled voice.]
(Frasier) YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH.
YOU SEE, I--I PICKED THE YANKEES TO LOSE, YOU SEE? I, UH, I LOVE THE RED SOX.
DON'T HURT ME, PLEASE.
SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME AND THEY'RE ALWAYS GLAD YOU CAME YOU WANNA BE WHERE YOU CAN SEE OUR TROUBLES ARE ALL THE SAME YOU WANNA GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME HEY, EVERYBODY.
OH, SAM, YOU'RE JUST THE GUY I'VE BEEN LOOKIN' FOR.
WHY IS THAT, WOODY? 'CAUSE YOU WEREN'T HERE.
CHECK THIS OUT, SAM.
IT'S A PROMISE RING FOR KELLY.
BY GIVIN' HER THIS RING, I'M MAKIN' A DEEP AND SOLEMN PROMISE THAT SOMEDAY I'M GONNA GIVE HER AN ENGAGEMENT RING.
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, MAN.
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
I'VE GIVEN A LOT OF THOSE TO WOMEN.
OF COURSE, UH, IN MY CASE, IT WAS A DEEP AND SOLEMN PROMISE THAT THEIR BACKS WILL ARCH.
SO, UH, WOODWORTH, WHY THE, UH, SUDDEN JUMP ON THE OLD BULLET TRAIN TO COMMITMENTVILLE, HUH? WELL, UM, KELLY'S LEAVIN' TOMORROW.
HER DAD'S SENDIN' HER TO EUROPE TO STUDY FOR A YEAR.
I WANNA GIVE HER THIS RING SO SHE WON'T FORGET ME.
GOD, A WHOLE YEAR.
I'M GONNA BE ONE LOST AND LONELY SOUL.
MMM.
[laughing.]
"BULLET TRAIN TO COMMITMENTVILLE.
" YOU CRACK ME UP, MR.
CLAVIN.
THANK YOU, WOODY.
WOODY, YOU CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOUR BELOVED KELLY WOULD ACTUALLY FORGET YOU.
WELL, I LOVE KELLY AND ALL, DR.
CRANE, BUT YOU GOTTA ADMIT, SHE'S NO ROCKET SCIENTIST.
YEAH.
I SYMPATHIZE, WOODY.
I ONCE, UH, EXPERIENCED A PAINFUL SEPARATION MYSELF.
A WOMAN I CARED VERY, VERY DEEPLY ABOUT LEFT ME.
OH, YEAH.
YOUR MOM MOVED TO FLORIDA.
SHE'S RIGHT.
I THINK I'M GONNA GO AND GIVE THAT LITTLE CUTIE A CALL RIGHT NOW.
WOW.
KELLY GOING TO STUDY IN EUROPE.
WELL, IT'LL BE TOUGH ON YOU, WOODY, BUT, BOY, WHAT AN OPPORTUNITY FOR HER.
YEAH.
YOU'RE RIGHT, MISS HOWE.
YOU KNOW, AND IF I KNOW HER FATHER, SHE'S NOT GONNA HAVE TO DO IT LIKE I DID.
BACKPACKING, HANGING OUT IN SEEDY YOUTH HOSTELS, HITCHING RIDES WITH SLEAZY LOCALS WHO USE THEIR INABILITY AS AN EXCUSE TO GIVE YOU DIRECTIONS ON YOUR SWEATER.
THAT SWEET LITTLE KELLY GIRL WILL GET EVERYTHING HANDED TO HER ON A SILVER PLATTER.
I HOPE SHE CHOKES ON EUROPE.
WELL, MISS HOWE SHOULDN'T BE MAD AT KELLY.
I MEAN, IT'S HER DAD'S IDEA.
HE'S JUST SENDIN' HER AWAY TO HURT ME.
OH, COME ON, WOODY.
PROBABLY DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
HE PROBABLY JUST WANTS TO PROVE TO HIS FRIENDS THAT HE'S RICH ENOUGH TO SEND HIS DAUGHTER TO A FANCY SCHOOL IN EUROPE.
HAS IT OCCURRED TO ANYONE THAT KELLY MIGHT JUST WANT THE BEST EDUCATION MONEY CAN BUY? WELL, THAT COULD BE, DR.
CRANE, BUT I THINK HE'S SENDIN' HER TO EUROPE TO GET HER AWAY FROM ME.
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT? BECAUSE HE TOLD ME SO.
AFTERNOON, EVERYBODY.
(all) NORM! NICE COLD BEER COMING UP, MR.
PETERSON.
YOU MEAN, NICE COLD BEER GOING DOWN MR.
PETERSON.
WAIT A MINUTE.
NOT SO FAST.
WHAT? IT'S TIME FOR US TO PICK OUR DESIGNATED DRIVER FOR THE NIGHT.
[Norm groaning.]
OK, YOU ALL KNOW THE RULES.
WRITE YOUR NAMES DOWN ON A SLIP OF PAPER.
UH, YOU KNOW, I UNDERSTAND YOU CAN, UH, TELL A LOT ABOUT A PERSON BY ANALYZING THEIR SIGNATURE.
YOU EVER-- YOU EVER, UH, GET INTO THAT, DOC? OH, COME ON.
I'M A TRAINED PSYCHIATRIST, NOT SOME FORTUNE-TELLER IN A CHEAP CARNIVAL TENT.
YEAH, WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.
I ALWAYS, UH, WONDERED WHAT MY SIGNATURE SAID ABOUT ME.
MOTHER OF GOD! WHAT? AND THE LUCKY LOSER IS YEESH! CLIFF CLAVIN.
YOU ALL GET TO RIDE SHOTGUN IN A BRAND-NEW POSTAL VEHICLE.
OH, GREAT.
WE'LL ALL HAVE A RIDE, BUT WE'LL ALL GO TO THE WRONG ADDRESS.
THAT BETTER BE THE BEER TALKING.
WELL, CLIFFIE, I GUESS THAT'S JUST THE LUCK OF THE DRAW, HUH? SPEAKING OF DRAW, SAMMY-- WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT'S THIS? WHAT? WHAT? GIVE ME THAT.
NO! WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS SAYS "NORM PETERSON.
" [all groaning.]
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! YOU DIDN'T PUT THIS IN THE HAT! OH, IT'S SUPPOSED TO GO IN THE HAT? [all groaning.]
COME ON.
LOOK, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU DONE THIS? WELL, I'M EMBARRASSED TO SAY THIS IS MY VERY FIRST TIME.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU CHEATED? OH, I THOUGHT YOU MEANT GETTING CAUGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
THANKS TO YOUR GOOD BUDDY, NORM PETERSON, THE FIRST DRAWING IS NULL AND VOID.
OK, EVERYBODY.
ONCE AGAIN, NAMES IN THE HAT.
(Carla) COME ON.
I'M WATCHING YOU, PETERSON.
DON'T WATCH ME, CARLA.
WHAT, YOU THINK I LIKE IT? ALL RIGHT.
AND THE LUCKY LOSER IS NORM PETERSON.
[all exclaiming.]
WELL, WELL, WELL.
GREAT.
GREAT.
FIRST TIME I ENTER THIS DAMN THING.
YOU COULDN'T PICK "NORM PETERSON" OR "NORM PETERSON"? [mumbling.]
WELL, "FRASIER CRANE.
" AT LEAST ONE PERSON HERE IS HONEST.
I BEG YOUR PARDON.
I WROTE "NORM PETERSON.
" I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
I WROTE THAT.
HI, WOODY.
OH, HEY, KELLY.
I DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE YOU HERE.
OH, WOODY, I'M LEAVING FOR EUROPE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, AND I WANTED TO SPEND EVERY SINGLE FREE MINUTE OF THE TIME I HAVE LEFT WITH YOU.
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
BUT FIRST, I HAVE TO GET MY HAIR DONE.
OH, THEN I HAVE TO GET MY SHOTS, AND I HAVE TO BUY A NEW BATHING SUIT.
OH, AND I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED PACKING.
SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, KELLY? I GUESS, BYE.
WELL, AT LEAST WE HAD THIS TIME TOGETHER.
OH, LISTEN, BEFORE YOU GO, THERE'S SOMETHIN' I WANT TO GIVE YOU.
THIS IS A PROMISE RING.
BY GIVING YOU THIS RING, I'M MAKIN' A PROMISE THAT SOMEDAY I'M GONNA BE GIVING YOU AN ENGAGEMENT RING.
OH, WOODY, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S BEEN IN MY FAMILY FOR YEARS.
MY DAD GAVE IT TO SOME CHICK ON GUAM.
THAT--THAT WAS BEFORE HE MET MY MOM.
OH.
WOODY, I'LL NEVER TAKE IT OFF.
YEAH.
BUT WHY ARE YOU GIVING THIS TO ME RIGHT NOW? OH, WELL, I'M ON A BREAK RIGHT NOW.
NOT SINCE MYRNA LOY AND WILLIAM POWELL HAVE I HEARD SUCH A RICH COLLECTION OF WITTICISMS EXCHANGED IN SUCH A PITHY MANNER.
WAS THAT, THAT, UH, DRUNK COUPLE WHO WAS ALWAYS FIGHTING IN THE POOL ROOM THERE? NO.
THOSE WERE THE LUNTS.
WELL, I'M--I'M GIVIN' THIS TO YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA BE IN EUROPE, AND YOU'RE GONNA BE MEETIN' ALL THOSE RICH DUKES AND EARLS AND COUNTS AND BASIES AND STUFF, YOU KNOW.
WOODY, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
I LOVE YOU.
[chuckling.]
AND BESIDES, I'LL PROBABLY BE SO BUSY WITH MY STUDIES THAT I WON'T HAVE TIME FOR ANYTHING ELSE.
REALLY? WH-WHAT ARE YOU STUDYING? FRENCH, ECONOMICS, AND NUDE MALE FIGURE DRAWING.
WELL, THAT OUGHT TO KEEP YOU REAL BUSY.
YO, PETERSON.
I NEED A RIDE.
WHAT, YOU GOING HOME ALREADY? NO, DOWN TO THE CORNER SO I CAN BUY A PACK OF GUM.
GUM? NORM.
(Norm) WHAT? THIS IS YOUR DUTY.
NOW FINISH YOUR SHIRLEY TEMPLE AND DRIVE HIM.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I'LL DRIVE YOU TO GET SOME GUM.
HEY, I KNOW, AFTER WE GET THE GUM, WHY DON'T I TAKE YOU ON A TOUR OF THE FREEDOM TRAIL? CAN WE PICK UP MY KID? I WAS JOKING.
HE'LL BE HEARTBROKEN.
WELL, WOODY, I KIND OF WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY TO EUROPE RIGHT NOW, WHAT WITH US GETTING SO CLOSE AND EVERYTHING.
MMM.
DADDY REALLY WANTS ME TO GO, AND, WELL, YOU KNOW HOW HE IS.
DO I EVER.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? NOTHING.
I--I JUST KNOW HOW HE IS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "IS"? WELL, HE CAN BE SORT OF YOU KNOW.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "YOU KNOW"? SAME THING AS "IS.
" HEY.
ARE YOU PUTTING DOWN DADDY? I'M NOT PUTTING DOWN DADDY.
DON'T CALL HIM "DADDY.
" HE'S NOT YOUR DADDY, HE'S MY DADDY.
WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING, BECAUSE MY DADDY DOESN'T TREAT ME LIKE A BABY.
[exclaiming.]
WOODY BOYD, WHAT AN AWFUL THING TO SAY.
I'M SORRY, KELLY.
I TAKE IT BACK.
WELL, YOU CAN TAKE THIS BACK, TOO.
I CAN'T TAKE THIS BACK.
I DON'T EVEN HAVE A RECEIPT.
WELL, THEN, I GUESS YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND THE PERSON WHO HAS IT AND GIVE IT BACK TO THEM, SO THEY CAN RETURN IT AND GET CREDIT.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.
NO, REALLY.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN? STOP IT, WOODY.
YOU CAN'T MAKE UP NOW.
NO, REALLY.
CAN ANYBODY TELL ME WHAT IT MEANS? EVENING, EVERYBODY.
(all) NORM! WHAT ARE YOU KNOWIN' THERE, NORM? HOW TO SIT, HOW TO DRINK.
WANNA QUIZ ME? HERE YOU GO, BIG FELLA.
SORRY.
NO SUDS TONIGHT, NORM.
YOU ARE STILL OUR DESIGNATED DRIVER, REMEMBER? I KNOW THAT.
YOU KNOW THAT.
DID YOU HAVE TO CALL EVERY BAR IN TOWN AND TELL THEM? HEY, NORM, CAN I GET A LIFT HOME? ALL RIGHT.
HEY, WOODY, YOU GONNA HAVE TO GET YOUR MIND OFF YOUR PROBLEMS WITH KELLY.
IS IT THAT OBVIOUS, SAM? WELL, YOU'RE PEELING YOUR THUMB.
THANK GOD YOU TOLD ME BEFORE I PUT IT IN SOMEONE'S DRINK.
I JUST CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT, SAM.
I'VE REALLY BLOWN IT WITH KELLY.
NOW SHE'S GONNA GO OFF AND MARRY ONE OF THOSE WORLDLY EUROPEAN GUYS FOR SURE.
WOODY, NOTHING LIKE THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
REALLY, MISS HOWE? NO, WOODY.
THOSE WEALTHY EUROPEAN ROYALS ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR PRINCESS BUTTON-NOSE AND HER DADDY.
SO, BECKS, WHAT'S THIS THING YOU HAVE AGAINST RICH PEOPLE? I MEAN, YOU'RE DATING A RICH GUY, AND YOU WANT TO BE RICH YOURSELF, RIGHT? YES.
AND WHEN I AM RICH, I WILL STOP HATING RICH PEOPLE, AND START HATING POOR PEOPLE.
IT'S THE AMERICAN WAY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S OVER.
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S LEAVIN' ME.
OH, COME ON.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT FOR? YOU GONNA GIVE UP AFTER ONE LITTLE SPAT? WHAT ELSE CAN I DO? WELL, YOU--YOU CAN RUN TO HER, HOLD HER IN YOUR ARMS, AND TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER.
COME ON, MAN.
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
(Woody) SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING, WOOD? SAM WANTS ME TO ELOPE.
NO! WOODY, WOODY, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ELOPING.
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
I JUST MEANT YOU SHOULD GO OVER TO HER PLACE AND MAYBE MAKE OUT A LITTLE BIT.
WELL, YEAH.
AND TO DO THAT, WE GOTTA GET MARRIED, RIGHT? KIDS TODAY.
WOODY-- EXCUSE ME.
I'LL HANDLE THIS.
WOODY, LISTEN TO ME.
I ONCE WAS DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH A BOY THAT MY PARENTS DID NOT APPROVE OF, AND I THOUGHT ABOUT ELOPING.
BUT FORTUNATELY, I CAME TO MY SENSES.
I MEAN, CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED TO ME IF I HAD MARRIED HIM? YEAH, MAYBE YOU'D BE HAPPY NOW, INSTEAD OF WHINING AND BEING DUMPED ON YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
GO GET HER, WOODY.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! WOODY, WOODY, COME ON.
STOP, HERE, KID.
THINK A LITTLE BIT.
NO, SAM.
THAT'S ALL I'VE DONE MY WHOLE LIFE, IS THINK, THINK, THINK.
THERE COMES A TIME WHEN YOU GOTTA STOP THINKING.
YOU TAUGHT ME THAT, SAM.
WELL, I--I JUST WANT YOU TO BE SURE, MAN.
THAT'S ALL.
SAM, I AM SURE.
I LOVE KELLY.
I'M WILLING TO RISK EVERYTHING TO MAKE HER MRS.
WOODROW TIBERIUS BOYD.
TIBERIUS? YOU NEVER TOLD US THAT WAS YOUR MIDDLE NAME.
YEAH, RIGHT.
I NEVER TOLD KELLY, EITHER.
MAYBE I'D BETTER JUST FORGET THIS WHOLE THING.
(Sam) HEY.
HEY, BRO, COME ON.
NO, NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
NOW, I-I-I'VE ACCEPTED THE FACT THAT HER MIDDLE NAME IS SUSAN.
I'M GONNA GO FOR IT.
OH, HEY, SAM, WOULD YOU COME WITH ME? I MEAN, YOU'RE KIND OF LIKE A BIG BROTHER TO ME, AND I DON'T THINK I COULD TAKE A BIG STEP LIKE THIS WITHOUT YOU THERE TO SUPPORT ME.
AH.
WELL, THANKS, WOODY.
I'M--I'M VERY TOUCHED.
YEAH.
I NEED SOMEONE STRONG TO HOLD THE LADDER.
THANKS, WOODY.
I'M VERY TOUCHED.
[speaking quietly.]
THAT'S NOT HER ROOM, EITHER.
WELL, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG UP THERE? GHOSTBUSTERS WAS ON T.
V.
I LOVE THAT MOVIE.
OH, YEAH.
IT'S CRIMINAL THE WAY IT GOT SNUBBED BY THE OSCARS THAT YEAR.
YEAH, IT STILL TICKS ME OFF.
LET'S TRY OVER HERE.
EVENING, EVERYBODY.
NORM! GUESS I DROVE EVERYONE ELSE HOME, HUH? THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, NORM, I'M PROUD OF YOU.
I RODE YOU PRETTY HARD FOR CHEATING, BUT YOU REALLY CAME THROUGH.
[sighing.]
WELL, THANK YOU.
NOW CAN I HAVE A BEER? NOPE, WE'RE CLOSED.
ALL RIGHT.
I GUESS I DESERVED THAT, CHEATIN' THE WAY I DID.
TONIGHT ACTUALLY TURNED OUT TO BE A PRETTY REWARDING EXPERIENCE.
WHAT ARE YOU TELLING ME, YOU LIKED CARTIN' THOSE GUYS ALL OVER TOWN? NO, I DIDN'T CART 'EM ALL OVER TOWN.
I JUST DROPPED THEM ALL OFF AT YOUR PLACE.
GREAT.
I FINALLY GET MY KIDS TO STOP ROLLING DRUNKS, AND NOW YOU HAVE TO GO AND PUT TEMPTATION IN THEIR PATH.
I AM TELLING YOU, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO RAISE A FAMILY IN THE '90s.
OK.
SOMETHING COLD AND GERMAN, PERHAPS? [whispering.]
GOOD NEWS, WOODY.
[whispering.]
ALL RIGHT.
YOU FINALLY FOUND KELLY'S BEDROOM? NO, I JUST MET THE CUTEST LITTLE CHAMBERMAID.
SHE WAS MAKIN' POPCORN.
YOU WANT SOME? SAM, HOW CAN YOU THINK OF POPCORN WHEN MY LIFE AND HAPPINESS ARE AT STAKE? IT'S CHEDDAR.
OOH, GIMME.
THANK YOU.
(Sam) OUCH! OH, SORRY, SAM.
YEAH.
THIS IS KELLY'S ROOM, ALL RIGHT, SAM.
[gargling.]
HOW CAN YOU TELL? THAT'S HER GARGLE.
WOODY, SAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? KELLY, I WANNA MARRY YOU.
I WANNA ELOPE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.
YOU MEAN EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD TO ME, AND NOTHIN' IS GONNA STOP ME-- HEY, YOU DO HAVE OVER 1,000 BARBIE DOLLS.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST BRAGGIN'.
WOODY, I JUST CAN'T RUN OFF AND MARRY YOU AT THE DROP OF A HAT.
BOY, THIS IS A GREAT LITTLE COMB.
TEETH AREN'T TOO WIDE, NICE FLEXIBILITY, GOOD HEFT.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR ONE OF THESE FOR MY EYEBROWS.
THAT ONE'S FOR BLONDES.
FOR-- [chuckling.]
JEEZ, YOU ARE RICH.
YOU KNOW, IT--IT'S NOT RIGHT FOR YOU TO BE HERE.
YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE SEEING ME LIKE THIS.
I'M NOT DECENT.
WELL, IT'S ALL RIGHT, KELLY.
I DIDN'T LOOK.
YEAH, I DID, SAM.
KELLY, I WANNA SAY SOMETHIN'.
I'M NOT JUST GONNA STAND STILL WHILE YOU RUN OFF TO EUROPE.
I LOVE YOU, KELLY, AND I WANNA MAKE YOU MRS.
WOODROW TIBERIUS BOYD.
TIBERIUS? SUSAN! HEY, HEY, HEY, WHOA.
KIDS, KIDS, CALM DOWN! WHY IS EVERYBODY MAKING SUCH A BIG FUSS ABOUT THEIR MIDDLE NAME? WHAT'S YOURS, SAM? HEY, SHUT UP.
THE POINT-- SIT DOWN HERE.
THE POINT IS THAT YOU SHOULD BE SHARING WITH EACH OTHER HOW YOU FEEL.
NAMES DON'T MATTER.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU SHOULD GET MARRIED, BUT-- NO, NO.
LET'S GET MARRIED.
OH, THAT'LL BE A BLAST.
WELL, WHETHER YOU GET MARRIED OR NOT, WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS TO SHARE HOW YOU FEEL.
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM, HOW HE FEELS ABOUT YOU.
WOODY, I KNOW HE'S YOUR FRIEND AND ALL-- BEAT IT, SAM.
BOY, G.
I.
JOE SHOULD COME HERE ON LEAVE SOMEDAY.
KELLY, YOU MEAN EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD TO ME.
AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT SOMEDAY I'M GONNA GIVE YOU BACK EVERYTHING YOU'VE GIVEN UP BY MARRYING ME.
OH, WOODY, I DON'T NEED ALL THOSE THINGS.
I'D LIVE IN A COLD-WATER FLAT IN THE SEEDIEST PART OF TOWN TO BE WITH YOU.
THEN HAVE I GOT A SURPRISE HONEYMOON SUITE FOR YOU.
WELL, LET'S GO.
LOOK, I'M ALL PACKED FOR EUROPE, SO ALL I HAVE TO DO IS TAKE OUT MY PASSPORT AND VOLTAGE CHANGER, AND WE'RE ALL SET.
(Mr.
Gaines) KELLY.
KELLY, DEAR.
OH, NO.
WOODY, QUICK.
IN THE CLOSET.
(Woody) WOW.
WHAT ARE ALL THESE BARBIE LEGS DOING HERE? SOMETIMES I GET MAD.
[knocking on door.]
COME IN, DADDY.
AH, HONEY.
SO, MY LITTLE KELLY-BELLE IS LEAVING ME.
[chuckling.]
LEAVING YOU? WHY DO YOU SAY THAT, DADDY? I'M NOT GOING AWAY.
WELL, YOU'RE GOING OFF TO EUROPE.
OH, THERE.
YEAH, WELL, I DON'T THINK OF THAT AS AWAY.
LOOK AT YOU NOW.
ALL GROWN-UP AND BEAUTIFUL.
I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK OF A LITTLE, TOWHEADED BUTTERBALL TAKING HER FIRST STEPS.
NOW I'M SENDING YOU OFF TO SEE THE WORLD.
AND IF, WHEN YOU COME BACK, YOU STILL WANT TO BE WITH WOODY, WELL, THAT'LL BE FINE WITH ME, 'CAUSE I'LL KNOW YOU'RE MAKING A GROWN-UP DECISION.
BUT NO MATTER HOW GROWN-UP YOU GET, YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY ONLY KELLY, AND I'LL ALWAYS BE YOUR ONLY DADDY TILL THE DAY I DIE.
OH.
[chuckling.]
SWEET DREAMS, SWEETHEART.
[door closing.]
OK, WOODY! LET'S GO! WOODY? [crying.]
I CAN'T DO IT! GOD, HE'S YOUR ONLY DADDY! I'M JUST SOME GUY WITH A LADDER! BUT, WOODY, WHAT ABOUT US? I CAN'T TAKE AWAY HIS LITTLE BUTTER-HEADED TOWBALL.
I THINK YOU SHOULD GO TO EUROPE.
ARE YOU SURE, WOODY? AS SURE AS CORN CHIGGERS IN AUGUST.
WELL, IF--IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, WOODY, THEN I'LL--I'LL GO TO EUROPE.
BUT HOW WILL I KNOW YOU'LL STILL BE HERE FOR ME WHEN I GET BACK? WELL, HOW 'BOUT THIS? WE COULD GET SECRETLY ENGAGED.
OH, YES, WOODY.
THAT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA.
I-IT'LL BE OUR SPECIAL SECRET.
I'LL BE IN EUROPE, AND YOU'LL BE HERE, AND WE'LL HAVE AN UNSPOKEN BOND ACROSS THE OCEAN.
OH, THAT SOUNDS SWELL.
SO YOU WON'T DATE ANY OTHER GUYS WHILE YOU'RE IN EUROPE? WELL, WOODY, IF I DON'T DATE ANY OTHER GUYS, THEN PEOPLE MIGHT SUSPECT THAT I'M SECRETLY ENGAGED.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH.
SO I'LL HAVE TO DO THE SAME THING BACK HERE IN THE STATES.
EXCEPT, OF COURSE, I'LL DATE WOMEN.
RIGHT, WOODY.
YEAH.
NOW WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE-- YOU'RE NOT ALREADY SECRETLY ENGAGED TO SOMEONE ELSE, ARE YOU? NO, BUT EVEN IF I WERE, I COULDN'T TELL YOU BECAUSE IT'D BE A SECRET.
BOY, I CAN TRUST YOU.
AND I KNOW THAT YOU'RE GONNA COME BACK TO ME, AND THEN WE'RE GONNA SPEND THE REST OF OUR LIVES TOGETHER.
SO I JUST WANNA HOLD THIS MOMENT IN MY MIND.
I JUST WANNA LOOK AT YOU ONE LAST TIME, THEN I'M GONNA GO.
[thudding.]
(Woody) SAM? WHERE'S THE LADDER? SAM.
SAM? [theme from Ghostbusters playing.]
(man on T.
V.
) WHO YOU GONNA CALL? (both) GHOSTBUSTERS!