Home Improvement s08e22 Episode Script

Sorry about that, guy.
Try some Merthiolate or Mercurochrome.
It'll help out.
Welcome back to our Tool Time salute (LOUD BELCH) - To men! - To men! Continuing our show about everything that men like, we've got a display you're gonna love.
And our guests are the authors of the mucho macho book The Big Damn Book of Sheer Manliness! Heidi? Nice pelt.
Okay, let's bring out our authors of the book, Brant and Todd, the Von Hoffman brothers.
Todd.
How're you doing? Great to have you on the show.
Nice to meet you guys.
I'm Todd.
- I'm Tim.
- I'm Heidi.
- I'm single.
- I'm not surprised.
Quick testosterone quiz.
Man's best friend His mother.
It's his dog, you big nellie.
Harsh words coming from a military man in tasseled loafers.
Yeah, you big Boss.
Favorite guy movie.
True Grit? Spartacus? - Oh, yeah - My Fair Lady.
- My Fair Lady? - Yes.
What's wrong with My Fair Lady? It's a great movie.
(TOGETHER) "Why Can't a Woman be More Like a Man?" Because surgery's too expensive.
Come on.
Let's get to the meat and potatoes of this show.
What's the manliest meal a man can fix? - BOTH: Chili.
- You're darn tooting.
Heidi? And speaking of tooting Today we're gonna show you how to make our special three-alarm colon cleaner.
All right, guys.
What do we do first? Well, first we've already browned up a couple of pounds of meat.
Now, we know you like beef.
(GRUNTING) I love beef.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Well, we prefer rattlesnake.
But today we're going with Al's favorite - Lean stewing turkey.
- That's right.
Now, while that's simmering, you want to add two cans of chopped, peeled tomatoes and a bottle of your favorite brew.
And, of course, there's always a debate about whether or not beans should be added.
Actually, the debate begins two hours after you've added the beans.
That's right.
What the hell? We're men, right? TIM: Go for it, baby.
AL: Next you want to put in your chili mix.
Right.
And a manly jalapeno pepper.
Now, if there's women-folk partaking, you might want to go easy.
Oh, please! Now, you want to let this stew for about a day.
But we have a pot here all ready for tasting.
- All right, Heidi.
- That's great.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Oh, clumsy me.
- Okay, here you go, boys.
- Thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry "Men.
" Al! Al, not with a spoon.
Always eat three-alarm chili with a saltine.
- Absolutely! - That's right.
I upped it to eight-alarm just to weed out the men from the boys.
Let me guess.
You're reading the footnotes? Yeah, that's very funny.
I'm doing physical therapy for soccer.
I gotta put some weight on my knees.
Have you tried standing up? Here, take that.
All right.
Come on, Dad.
Lean on me.
- You ready for this? - Oh, yes.
All right, buddy.
Okay, go.
(GRUNTS) (BREATHING LOUDLY) What do they call that? Jerk du Soleil? I tell you, this kid's getting strong.
Pretty soon he'll be able to lift you.
- Very funny.
Ha! Ha! - All right.
I gotta go stretch my quads.
JILL: Oh.
Hmm.
So, how was your day, baby? Well, I handed in my thesis to Dr.
Hanover.
Congratulations! You must feel fantastic! No.
What? Are you kidding? I have to defend my paper now in front of this whole thesis committee.
And maybe I won't know the material.
Maybe I won't be able to answer their questions.
Maybe my whole career will go into a downward spiral.
Maybe you should see a therapist.
Oh, that's right.
You are one.
Say hello.
Oh, Mark! When are you gonna stop this family documentary thing? I'm just getting some last-minute shots.
The class is showing our films a week from Friday.
Great! Now I can make a fool out of myself in front of a whole classroom.
(DOOR BELL RINGS) - Oh, stop.
Stop.
- I got it.
- Oh, hi, Gregory.
Come on in! - Hi, Mark.
What's going on? Mark, I'm having an anxiety attack about my film.
It's like Antonio Banderas is doing the lambada on my liver.
I'll see what I can do about it.
Mom, Dad, this is Gregory.
He's in my film class.
- Hi.
- Hello, Gregory.
Tim Taylor.
I'd shake your hands, but human contact makes me queasy.
How do you feel about some killer chili? You want to stay for dinner? Sorry.
I can't masticate in front of strangers.
Who can? I can't believe I have to waste my Friday night watching your stupid video.
It's payback for having to watch you kick your stupid soccer ball.
Guys, this is what family's all about, you know? Doing stuff together that you hate.
Oh, my gosh! That's Dr.
Hanover.
(LAUGHS) Call him Dr.
Comb-over.
(JILL SHUSHING) That was a good one.
This guy is head of the Psych Department.
I have to defend my thesis to him tomorrow.
Are you sure he shouldn't be defending his haircut to you? (SHUSHING) - Good one.
- Hello, Jill.
Oh, hi, Dr.
Hanover.
What are you doing here tonight? Well, I have a child in the class.
This is Emily.
Oh, hi.
It's nice to meet you.
This is my husband Tim.
- Tim.
- And one of my sons, Brad.
Brad.
Our film student's over there talking to that boy in the corner.
Yeah, that's poor Gregory Winston.
You know, talk about a psychological case study.
I'd really like to meet his parents.
Well, you'll have to settle for the father.
How do you do? He's my stepson.
I'm well aware that Gregory has issues.
But in the future, you might not want to be so quick to share your diagnoses.
I'll see you tomorrow morning, (BRAD SNIGGERING) Good one.
Attention, everyone.
Find yourselves a seat.
Our young directors have all made gritty, realistic documentaries about their families.
And it's my belief that any one of these budding auteurs could grow up to direct the next Rescue 911.
Mark, would you like to man the video deck? Damian, the lights.
To say that I'm the black sheep of my family would be an understatement.
I'm hoping to move up to black sheep.
My mother's a Rhodes scholar, my father's a Doctor of Psychology.
My biggest accomplishment is that I flossed this morning.
Gregory, stop that taping and get over here and eat your chicken! Yes, Father.
Checkmate again, son.
GREGORY: There's nothing I enjoy more than playing chess with my father.
Except for maybe a cerebral hemorrhage? Our last film is from the very gifted Mark Taylor.
Tim? Wake up! Tim! We'll be right back after these messages from Binford! (SHUSHING) MARK: Meet my family.
On the surface, we seem normal But things are not always what they seem.
Brad, that's disgusting! Wait till you see what I did with the spoon.
Hey, Mom.
How was your day? You really want to know how my day was? Not really.
Uh-oh.
What? Well, it was going great until I had this awful conference with this horribly arrogant professor of mine.
Please don't mention his name! Please don't mention his name! - You didn't, you didn't, you didn't.
- Dr.
Hanover.
You did! He's a pompous jackass, you know? He's smug, he's didactic.
And what is the deal with men, you know, and their comb-overs? I mean, this one would start at his neck and stretch across.
Hideous thing.
Good one.
And those are the Taylors.
If they are the typical American family, this country's in trouble.
I can't look.
Check out Dr.
Hanover.
See if he's angry.
Don't make it obvious.
He's not angry.
- He's not? - He's gone.
Mom, are you ever gonna get off the phone? I've gotta make some calls.
- Use your phone.
- I can't.
I'm downloading some hot pictures from Denmark of Danishes.
Brad, I've been trying to apologize to Dr.
Hanover for two hours.
It's busy.
I gotta keep trying.
Hey, Mom! Did you ever get a hold of your professor? No.
And, you know, none of this would've happened if you hadn't taped me without my knowledge.
Don't you know that's illegal? It would be, except you said I could tape you.
I have it on tape.
I would never have approved of this if I'd known that you were gonna be so irresponsible about what you showed people! You're right.
I should have checked with you.
I'm really sorry.
Mom, you don't even know if he saw Mark's video.
He could've just left after Gregory's.
Well, I can't take the chance of walking into that thesis committee without knowing for sure.
Oh, good! It's ringing.
- Hello, Gregory? - GREGORY: Yeah.
Hi, this is Mrs.
Taylor, Mark's mom.
- Great film.
- Are you kidding? I was so traumatized by the public viewing that I just spent two hours on the phone with an Army recruiter.
Interesting.
Gregory, is your father there? I need to talk to him.
He's upstairs asleep.
I think my film sent him into a catatonic state.
And I don't mean Arizona.
Look, Gregory, did you and your father stay and watch Mark's film? - Uh-huh.
- Oh, no.
I feel so terrible.
I really wanted to apologize to him.
Oh, for calling him a pompous jackass? Yeah.
He was paged a couple of times so I'm not sure if he saw that part.
But I enjoyed it.
- I'm sorry I'm late.
- It's okay.
Dr.
Hanover isn't here yet anyway.
Well, he's a very busy man.
Maybe we should just whip through my thesis without him.
(JILL CLEARS THROAT) - What are you writing? - Never mind.
- Here's Dr.
Hanover now.
- Hello, Jill.
Well, speaking for the committee, we feel that your thesis is basically quite solid.
Oh, good.
But we felt there were a few things that were just a hair off.
- A hair off? - Dr.
Miller, would you like to elaborate? Well, I Was it the conclusion? Was it too thin? (JILL STAMMERING) Sparse? I mean, shallow? I wasn't ready to talk about the conclusion just yet.
Oh, sorry, I jumped ahead I mean forward.
On page 48, you say that feminism has complicated the traditional psychological dynamic between fathers and sons.
Can you elaborate on that? Yes, I can.
As I stated on page 49, "Fathers have to teach their sons that women and men are equal, "even though they may not have been raised with that belief.
" - Point well taken.
- Thank you, Dr.
Comb-over Hanover! Now, do you think you've thoroughly addressed how the relationship has changed between mothers and sons? Well, the thesis is called "The Father-Son Dynamic in the Post-Feminist Era.
" I know what the thesis is called.
I came up with the title.
- Wonderful title.
- Yeah.
Now, is it possible that you've treated the mother-son relationship - in a rather superficial way? - Superficial? No.
I think that I fully addressed that in pages 38 to 47.
Well, I thought it was more fully addressed in the first draft.
You shaved off a little bit too much.
Jill, you've made some pretty provocative statements.
The question is, can you defend them? Well, I don't know.
I Well, if you don't know, how are we supposed to know? - How did you like the typeface? - Helvetica 12 point? - Excellent choice.
- I liked it.
Yeah.
That's good.
(COUGHING) Perfect.
How was your day? Imagine having your head squeezed in a vice.
I don't have to imagine.
- How was Dr.
Hanover? - Obviously, he saw Mark's film.
He raked my thesis over the coals.
Now I have to do a whole rewrite by Friday.
Honey, the man is a professional.
I can't believe he'd let a few personal remarks get in the way of his job.
Well, if he wasn't attacking me because of the insults, he was attacking me because he hated my work.
There you go now.
Feel better? Here you go.
Oh, thanks.
You know, this part just doesn't seem right there.
"When the mother tries to instill feminist ideology in her son, "and the father presents a counter philosophy/ethos, "it can cause confusion in the adolescent male.
" Sounds good to me.
You understand that? No.
But I'm a confused adolescent male.
(TWITTERING) Wilson? WILSON: Come to me, my lovely little creature of the night.
- What? Are you drunk? - No, no, no, no, Jill.
I was talking to the Chiroptera which I'm trying to attract with the sounds on this tape recorder.
- What's that? - It's a small device for recording tapes.
- No.
I mean the other thing.
- The Chiroptera.
Well, that's a bat.
I saw one swooping around here.
I'm trying to get her to nest in my eaves.
I was just wondering what you thought of my thesis.
Oh, yes.
The thesis, yes.
Well, that was a very interesting rewrite.
I thought your use of comparative symbolism had a certain - textural resonance that really - You think it blows.
Like a Nor'easter.
(SIGHS) You know, to tell you the truth, Jill, I actually preferred the original version.
So did I.
But Dr.
Hanover hated it, you know? And I have to make these changes whether I believe in them or not.
You know, your situation reminds me of Walking Naked.
- Good night, Wilson.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, Jill.
Walking Naked is a play I wrote in college.
It's a saga of an Aztec warrior who finds himself in New Jersey.
Primitive man adapts to modern society No, no, no, no, no.
It's about a guy who loses his clothes in Newark.
And funny stuff happens to him.
So, now, wait.
What does this have to do with my thesis? Well, my drama department wanted me to rewrite my play.
But I was very passionate about Walking Naked.
So, you refused to make any of the changes? No, no, no, no.
Quite the opposite.
I caved in, rewrote the whole play.
(SNIFFS) It was a big success.
- You must've been thrilled! - Uh-uh.
No, I felt terrible because I compromised the integrity of the play.
So, you think that I should just stick to what I wrote originally? You know, Jill, your name is gonna be on that thesis forever.
Shouldn't it represent something that you truly believe in? Yes, it should.
You've given me a lot to think about.
Thank you, Wilson.
- You're always so sensible.
- (LAUGHING) Well, my pleasure.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an old brown bat to seduce.
- Dr.
Hanover? - Oh, Jill, come on in.
- I've finished all my revisions.
- I look forward to reading it.
Dr.
Hanover, I've tried to incorporate all of your notes.
But, frankly, I just couldn't make some of them work.
- Pity.
- May I? Oh, please.
Yes.
Look, I don't mean to be disrespectful.
I could only write this in a way that makes sense to me.
And I think you might have been overly critical of my work.
Why? Because you called me a pompous jackass with a bad comb-over? - I am so, so sorry.
- Me, too.
When my wife heard what you said, she came after me with an Epilady.
(JILL GASPS) Yeah, I understand now why you were so tough on my work.
Jill, I wasn't tough on you because of the personal remarks you made.
- So, you really didn't like my thesis.
- No, no.
I thought it was quite good.
But during your oral exam, it's my job to challenge you, and your job to defend your work.
And I didn't exactly rise to that challenge, did I? Well, I suspect your defense would have been better if you weren't so flustered by the situation.
Definitely.
When you came in here with your head shaved, I was completely Wigged out? Good one! Just wait till you get out in private practice and you have to deal with what's inside people's heads.
If I can't deal with male pattern baldness, what am I gonna do when I get people who think they're Elvis? I always make them a fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich.
Jill, you're gonna be a fine psychologist.
And I'm sure, in time, you'll learn not to be thrown by the unexpected.
Thank you, Dr.
Hanover.
And when you've read my revisions, I'll be ready to defend them.
Jill, before you go, can I get your professional opinion on something? Oh, certainly.
Yes.
What do you think of this? You can wear it, but can you defend it? Touché.
Honey, that's great news.
It really is.
I'll see you at home.
Love you.
Well, good news.
Your dad, the pompous Dr.
Hanover, - loved your mom's thesis.
- Really? Cool.
Yeah, sure.
It's cool for her.
When's the last time I ever got a compliment? People mock me day in and day out.
They call me a mama's boy.
What kind of future do I have? I don't know.
How good do you look in flannel? Which one of you women wants to arm-wrestle? Come on.
I can take you.
Excuse me.
Hey there.
Okay, I'll see you at home.
I love you.
Great news.
Your dad, the