Roseanne s08e22 Episode Script

Man, there's just so much to do to prepare for this wedding.
We still have to get flowers, Hors d'oeuvres, a church.
Well, maybe you should ask Darlene to do some of it If you weren't so damn whipped.
Well, I think the first order of business-- Mom, you're only allowed one suggestion per hour.
And your last one counted as two, because it went on for too long.
Mom, some guy just delivered this for you.
Well, I didn't order that.
Did you give him any money? - no.
- oh, okay.
Well, put it down there.
Saw your commentary on tv About how hard it is to find a descent wedding cake.
Sincerely, albano's bakery, third and main.
- feel free to mention us on your show.
- ( chuckles ) Man, that's just out-and-out bribery.
It's totally unethical and chocolaty.
That cake won't last until the wedding.
That cake won't last till dinner.
So just because you mentioned wedding cakes on television Someone sent you a free one? Yeah, and they say tv only adds 10 lbs.
Whoa, I can see my next commentary Appearing before my eyes-- I was wrong about bakeries.
Albano's on third and main is a great one.
And I wonder where I can get a descent wedding dress Or hors d'oeuvres, Or a candy-apple red pump In a size 7 1/2 with a low heel.
That's it.
My divorce is final-- Signed, sealed, delivered.
I'm alone, Legally forever single till death do I part.
Hey, Jackie, a guy in a long robe Carrying a big sickle was by here looking for you.
Go ahead and joke.
You're not the one facing a life of solitude, Or uneven mattress wear.
Come one, Jackie.
You'll find someone.
Who wouldn't want to go out with you? That's easy for you to say, you little frizzy-haired pollyanna.
You talk to me after a year of marriage, After you've taken up smoking Just to shave a couple of years off your miserable life.
I got to go Work on this seating chart now.
Yeah, make sure you put me between the priest and the florist.
Hey hey, don't count out that priest.
- times have changed.
- Jackie, I have just the tonic.
Why don't you come with me Saturday night To my ballroom dance class? Why didn't I think of that? Mom, that's a great idea.
I'm sure that the man of my dreams is sitting at home right now Clipping on his bow tie and strapping on his truss.
( laughing ) It's not just for seniors.
There's plenty of cultured And delightful gentlemen of all ages there.
I may be desperate, But I haven't sunk that low.
Oh really? Hey, I cannot believe that I am agreeing with mom here.
You really should go.
I was reading this big article About how ballroom dancing is making a big old comeback.
So you really don't think it would be a huge waste of time? No more than your marriage.
All right, i'll go.
All right.
I'm gonna feel really stupid.
Oh, goody! And i'll help you pick out an outfit.
Plus perhaps we can tease that hair Into something presentable.
Why don't you try to tease it into a nice set of boobs? Roseanne, you might like to come along too.
Dance is good exercise.
Hey, I am not divorced, Single, desperate, or lonely.
What the hell do I need to exercise for? ( theme music playing ) ( Roseanne laughs ) - hey.
- hey.
Mark, what happened to your hand? He was working the saw and he almost cut it off again.
Mark, what an idiot.
What do you mean an idiot? Didn't you hear him? Almost.
Unbelievable.
Shouldn't you be sewing up your wedding dress, mary? Is he the dumbest guy you've ever known? I work at a construction business, David.
I would have to see a list.
Mr.
Conner, do you know anything about wedding tuxes? I mean, do you have to wear underwear, Or are they built into the pants like in bathing suits? Oh, David, I don't know.
I don't feel like talking about wedding stuff right now.
You're still kind of angry About this whole pregnancy-wedding thing aren't you? I am making great strides In my acceptance of this difficult situation.
Well good, Because I really think you're the greatest guy in the world, Mr.
Conner, And I want you to be my best man.
Oh, I don't know.
Well, I know it's weird.
So don't answer now.
Just think about it, all right? Yeah, i'll get back to you.
You're gonna love me again one day, Mr.
Conner.
You'll see.
I'll get back to you about that too.
Here we are.
- hello, agnes! - hello, dear.
When we start dancing, if you get confused, Just follow her-- the left leg.
The right one she just drags.
Oh, this isn't bad.
- there's people my age.
- I told you there would be.
- now let me introduce you around.
- mother, stay.
Hi, i'm Jackie.
I'm new.
- hi, i'm roger.
- roger.
Hi, so nice to meet a man who likes to dance And who isn't, like, a total troll.
Well, my fiancee and I are taking dancing lessons for our wedding.
In fact, that's why a lot of people are here.
Oh, really? Who exactly? Well, our whole group.
Uh-huh, so That would be basically Everyone under 90.
So, okay, well, Gotta get back to my mom.
So you and your fiancee have a nice life.
You know, I was once you.
And now i'm me.
So I will just leave you with that.
Mother, every man here is engaged.
Really? Why, that's lovely.
Lovely? Listen, old woman, I washed these hose out in the sink and put them on wet Because you told me that there were going to be guys here.
Liar.
- liar! - shh, here he comes.
( samba music playing ) - hi, gang.
- hi, hal.
- buenos noches.
- buenos noches.
- oh, hal.
- oh, Beverly, is that a new scarf? Oh, yes.
I knew we were going to do the samba tonight So I wanted to wear something bold.
You saucy little thing you.
- ( both laughing ) - oh, stop it.
- hal is flirting with bev again.
- what else is new? Well, of course i'm flirting with her.
Do you know why? It's because it makes you girls jealous.
And when you get jealous, your passions come out And you dance like tigresses.
( growls ) ( both growling ) ( chuckles ) wonderful.
Okay, everybody, get ready.
We're going to do the samba! Hey! ( samba music playing ) ( laughs ) Hi there, i'm hal.
- i'm Jackie.
- all right, let's move those hips around, Loosen them up.
That's good.
Oh, that's hot.
That is good.
All right, come on, honey.
- you wanna try a turn? - a turn? - no, I couldn't possibly-- - yeah, sure.
- come on, do a turn.
- oh my.
That's wonderful.
Come on, let's do a dip.
( laughing ) You're wonderful.
What a natural you are.
- thank you.
- yeah, really.
Tell me, are you gonna be one of my new pupils? Oh, hal, I don't think so.
I'm not engaged And i'm not decrepit.
Oh, don't say that to me.
If you had a dagger, you could plunge it into my heart.
You are a big flirt.
With those big beautiful brown eyes, I could be anybody you want.
( both laughing ) Since you're not going to be my student, Maybe we can have dinner together.
Uh, sure.
- what do you say, tonight? - yeah yeah.
- after class? - yes.
- a little bistro that I know.
- all right.
Wonderful.
Excuse me for a minute.
That's it.
That's it.
That's it.
One, two.
Is this it, hal? Where did Beverly go, huh? That's beverly's scarf, But you're not Beverly.
No no, you're carmen on the beach Of ipanema.
Whoa, hey! Man, look at all this free stuff.
This tv scam is the greatest thing I ever thought of.
da da da da da the stores! Yes, I think at least six of everything You shamelessly mentioned on the air has been delivered.
That is not true.
I did not get the bagel slicer, the fry baby, Or the 24-cubic-foot frigidaire.
Which is almost enough To hold the conner family supply Of breakfast meats.
So where is the stuff you said you got for the diner? Oh man, you wouldn't believe it.
The whole kitchen Is full of free hors d'oeuvres.
I figure the stuff we recognize we'll sell for a buck, And other stuff two bucks.
( yawns ) How come you're so tired? Are you having that dream about that giant monkey again? No, I happen to have been Out dancing all night.
Oh really? So you met a guy at mom's thing? I was right.
Yeah, well, so who is he? What's he like? Well, he's He's a guy that likes to dance.
You know the type.
You know, he's got shoes And that's who he is.
Well, aside from the likes-to-dance part, sounds just like Dan.
There she is.
You shameless hussy! You stole my man! Stole your man? What are you talking about? Are you gonna deny that you went out with hal after class? He asked me out, so I went out with him.
What's the big deal? So you just stole him from your own mother? You trollop! My sister and my mother Are fighting over the same guy? The only thing left for this family is cannibalism.
I didn't steal anybody from her.
The old bat's out of her mind.
Floozy! Jezebel! Little miss round heels! Gee, Jackie, doesn't that remind you of your sweet-16 party? So you think this is funny? Oh, I think everybody's gonna think this is funny.
- ( car honks ) - damn.
There's that sample limo.
Well, I hope you guys can keep this up Till I get back from my free hot-air-balloon ride.
You do know That you and hal look ridiculous together.
Mother, i'm not even going to talk to you about this.
What's wrong, Jackie? Been out of circulation too long? Too scared to date a man your own age? I'm not scared of anything.
Okay, there's the rabbits.
Mom-- well, maybe a part of it Is that I haven't been out there in a number of years, But so hal is a really nice guy.
He's safe, you know? What's wrong with that? Well, you're not serious about him.
- you're taking advantage of him.
- mom! You've been going down there for two years.
You've never been out with him.
I've cleverly paced myself.
And he was about to make his move.
Last week, instead of calling me bev, He accidentally called me "bed.
" Well, there you are.
Mother, that's not exactly a relationship.
You don't know anything about hal.
Did you know he was one Of the original June taylor dancers? Look, mom, I know you like him, But listen to me.
You weren't seeing him.
I was seeing him every Saturday night For the last two years! And it's been wonderful.
We danced together.
We chatted.
And oh, how we laughed.
You can still do all that.
No, I can't.
It's ruined.
From now on, I guess i'll just spend Saturday nights - looking at television alone.
- mom.
I'll go down this week and tell the gals.
And then my dancing days are through.
Thank you, Jackie, For spoiling everything.
( door slams ) You stole your mother's boyfriend, huh? Been there.
Almost cutting my hand off the other day really got me thinking about a lot of stuff.
Oh, yeah? Like what? Like what it'd be like if I didn't have a hand.
Shouldn't he be getting ready for his wedding? - I mean, is he even thinking about it? - sure he is.
He's helping Darlene with stuff.
He asked me to be his best man.
He's on top of things.
He asked you to be his best man, huh? Oh, did I say "best man"? I'm sorry, I got it wrong.
He asked me to be his main man.
Whatever, it's-- David, David! I've made up my mind about being your best man, and the answer's no.
I understand.
You hate me.
No, I don't hate you.
I mean, it's very nice that you asked me.
I just think it would be better if you asked your brother.
Mark? I don't like Mark.
That's it.
We just don't get along.
Aren't you supposed to pick a best man you like and get along with? That's not even true about the person you marry.
Now go on.
He's your brother.
Ask him.
Fine.
( groans ) I can just hear his toast now.
"chicks are weird.
Let's chug!" There you go.
Mark.
Hey.
So i've been thinking about it, And I want you to be my best man.
Look, don't do me any favors, okay? I'm not doing you a favor.
Look, you asked Dan first instead of me.
Why? Why? Do you really wanna know why? - yeah, that's why i'm asking.
- okay.
All right, fine, Mark.
You tormented me my whole life.
You know, my first memory Is of you stuffing me in a piano when I was three years old.
You stole my allowance.
You bent the spokes on my bike.
You told every girl I had a crush on that I had fleas.
You did.
That one summer.
Face it, Mark, You viciously bullied me Until I was old enough to figure out how to just avoid you all together, Which is why we are the way we are today.
And you wonder why I don't ask you to be my best man? Yeah, why not? I just told you, Mark.
It doesn't matter.
I don't wanna be your best man anyway.
- fine, then just say no.
- oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Oh, you're driving me crazy! Mark, come here.
Just say you'll be my best man and shut up! Look at this! You can't even ask me nicely! All right, fine, Mark.
Don't be my best man, all right? Just kill me and put me out of my misery.
Look, if you're that miserable, I'll be your best man.
- will that make you happy? - yes.
It's good.
It's a good start.
Yeah, I mean, we are brothers.
Yeah.
No way am I letting you stuff that cake in my face though.
You can't leave us, bev.
You're the sparkplug for our little ensemble.
Please, ladies, allow me to do this with dignity.
I don't wanna end up like ginger rogers Dancing past my prime.
Well, ladies of the chorus, Adieu.
And where do you think you're going, Beverly? I just-- i'm quitting the class, hal.
- quitting? - yes.
You can't quit.
We need you.
I need you.
- you're like a willow by a lake.
- excuse me? You're like a raindrop dancing on a windowpane On a warm hot summer night in August.
Oh, hal, that's what jeff chandler said to mamie van doren - in "surrender in September.
" - oh.
You were so wonderful in that.
What was your line? "i'll pull the car around.
" But this isn't a movie, hal.
It's my life, and it's time for me to get on with it.
No no, you can't leave, bevvy.
You can't.
You're my favorite student.
You're not going to leave me alone here with all these old ladies.
- please don't.
- Jackie isn't old, hal.
Oh, her.
Well no, you raised a very charming woman.
I mean, very very nice, And I like her, but there's-- What are you saying? You're not interested in her? Why should I settle for a pale copy Of the original? Oh, hal, please.
Really? Why drink grape juice, When you could have vintage bordeaux? Oh, no.
I can't have you disparaging my daughter.
She's a fine young woman and mother.
And i'm sure her credit rating will be restored within the year.
Please, you must stay.
Should I? Oh, I don't know.
I just don't know.
I'm not starting this class without you.
My capezios are in the car.
I'll be back in a trice.
( chuckles ) wonderful.
All right, everybody, tonight we're going to do the rumba.
I'll be back in five-- Quicker than you can say "xavier cugat.
" Oh, hal, thank you.
Thanks.
- thanks, hal, for doing that.
- she's such a sweet kid.
And I wanted to thank you also For the time that we spent together, you know? I haven't been dating for quite a while now And it was very sweet of you to help me get back there in the game.
Are you kidding? You're a beautiful woman.
Guys are gonna be lining up.
You're like a willow by a lake.
You're like a drop of rain dancing on a windowpane After a hot warm summer August night.
Oh, hal.
And you-- well, you are like The last piece of pizza That everyone wants and no one will take Because who knows How long it's been sitting there? Sure, kid.
Anything you say.
Oh, and, hal, I just wanted to ask one other thing.
You know, when we were out dancing the other night, And I don't know, I just wanted to know, am I any good? You suck, baby.
( theme music playing ) Which is port and which is starboard? Well, that depends.
That depends on whether you're coming or going.
I mean, normally the aft is on the other side of the stern.
And that's the bridge So that you can get from one side of the boat to the other.
Would you like a glass of champagne? Love it.
Which way? Here we are.
It isn't very much.
After all, it's only a yacht.
Do you wanna see the ashtray I stole from the white house? ( theme music playing )