Seinfeld s08e22 Episode Script

I can't believe the Yankees fired me.
Well, you had a good run.
You took them to the World Series.
I gotta give the players most of the credit for that.
Don't sell yourself short.
You made flight arrangements, hotels, buses.
No, I don't know who was doing that.
So when you actually did work, what is it that you did? I'll tell you, they had a pastry can't you wouldn't believe.
Here we go.
Your latte.
Your cappuccino.
Maybe I should ask her out.
- She is a good waitress.
- It's true.
- Maybe I'll take her to the Tonys.
- You're going to the Tonys? Yeah, I wrote some jokes for the show and they gave me two tickets.
Why didn't you ask me? I know a million theater jokes.
What's the deal with those guys down in the pit? They're musicians.
That's not a joke.
It's a funny observation.
Severance package? The Yankees are giving me three months' full pay for doing nothing.
They did it for three years.
What's another few months? I'm gonna do something with these three months.
- Like what? - I'm gonna read a book from beginning to end, in that order.
I've always wanted to do that.
- I'm going to play Frolf.
- You mean golf? Frolf.
Frisbee golf, Jerry.
Golf with a Frisbee.
This is gonna be my time.
Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin.
I proclaim this "The Summer of George.
" And then Peterman ate it.
I never told him.
- Who is that? - That's Sam the new girl in Accounting.
What's with her arms? They just hang like salamis.
She walks like an orangutan.
Better call the zoo.
What? Catty.
It's like she's carrying invisible suitcases.
- Like this? - Yes, exactly.
- That is so strange.
- Right.
So why am I the one who gets: I mean, they were being just as catty as I was.
It's a double standard.
Oh, and what about ladies' night? Women admitted free before 10? That is so stupid.
Hey, The White Shadow is on.
Boy, you're really packing it all in.
Jerry, my vacation has just started.
I need a day or two to decompress.
- Besides, I did plenty today.
- Like what? I bought a new recliner with a fridge built right into it.
Hey, Jerry, you got any TUMS? - Stomachache? - I drank too much water in the shower.
Top of the fridge.
Hey, George, I'm taking that waitress to the Tonys.
- Shadow.
- Oh, the Tonys? I'll see you there, buddy.
- You're going to the Tonys too? - Roger that.
- Where are you sitting? - Well, all over the place.
I'm a seat-filler.
They don't like to see empty seats on TV.
Somebody gets up, I park my caboose in their spot until they get back.
- How did you get that job? - Mickey, he hooked me up.
- Yeah, he's a member of the academy.
- What academy? Well, he didn't say.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Nice tuxedo.
- Thanks.
It's a breakaway.
- Should we go? - Absolutely.
- Lyle, we're going.
- All right.
Jerry, this is Lyle.
- Hey, how you doing? - Okay.
Bye.
- Have a good time.
- Thanks Lyle.
Are you leaving? Because I got you covered.
I'll just go ahead and get in there.
Just a minute.
What are you doing? My job.
What are you doing? They catch the two of us on TV, you might have a little explaining to do.
- So you and Lyle are roommates? - No.
- Gay? - What? - Is he gay? - No.
Are you sure? I think I would know.
This is a new one.
Turkey jerky? Go ahead, take a pull.
More for me.
And the Tony for best musical is awarded to Scarsdale Surprise.
Lewis Maxtone-Graham, Douglas Ewing Benjamin London, Polly Kennedy, producers.
- Kramer? - Thank you and bless you all.
This truly has been a Scarsdale Surprise.
Elaine, am I crazy? I just get the feeling that Dugan and the others are making fun of me all the time.
Well, you might wanna think about maybe moving your arms a little when you walk.
My arms? You know, sort of swing them so you're not lurching around, you know, like a caveman.
I'm a caveman? No, no, no, it's just that Everyone told me what a catty shrew you were.
You're horrible.
She had a dude? When I went to pick her up, there was this dude.
- How do you know it was her dude? - It could've been just some dude? Dudes in this town are a dime a dozen.
- I reckon.
- Or maybe she just wanted to go to the Tonys.
I tell you what.
Ask her out again.
No Tony, just Jerry.
That way you know if the dude is her dude or some dude.
- Dude.
- Yeah.
All right, that's enough.
I gotta go home and take a nap.
It's 10:30 in the morning.
What can I tell you, I'm wiped.
So has the Summer of George begun, or are you still decomposing? Decompressing.
Well, good morning, gentlemen, and Tony says hello to you.
- You didn't give that thing back? - Jerry, it was a whirlwind.
They whisk us backstage.
The media is swarming.
Champagne is flowing.
I can't describe how great it is to win.
That's because you didn't win.
Scarsdale Surprise.
That's the musical about the Scarsdale diet doctor murder.
Featuring the mind-blowing performance of Miss Raquel Welch.
You haven't even seen it.
Oh, Jerry, I'm not gonna let you bring me down off this high.
I've been partying all night.
I saw the sun rise at Liza's.
- Minnelli's? - No.
Sam, listen.
I am so sorry about the other day.
No, don't apologize, Elaine.
I was thinking that maybe I should swing my arms a little bit more.
See, yeah, I mean, that's all I was saying.
How's this? Or this? Or this? - Or this? Or this? - Well you seem to be getting the hang of it.
- Hi.
- Sorry, I'm running late.
- I just lost track of time.
- No rush.
Hey, Jerr, what's up? I have absolutely no idea.
Can you believe she expected me to squire her around town while the dude sits at home in swaddling clothes? Do they make swaddling clothes for adults? It's like she's put the role of boyfriend into two jobs.
Except the dude's playing the showroom and I'm stuck doing food and beverage.
- Hey.
- Who's that? - It's Kramer.
- Hey, Kramer.
- George says hi.
- Hi, George.
How's that Tony? Why don't you just come over here? Why can't I do this on the phone? - What's Kramer doing now? - He's looking in the refrigerator.
Kramer.
Anything good in there? Any Popsicles? I cannot do this.
- So, what's George doing? - He's not doing anything.
Goodbye.
I'm gonna grab a bite to eat at Sardi's.
You wanna go? Are you taking the Tony to Sardi's? The Tony is taking me to Sardi's.
Oh, hello.
- Well, I'm going.
- Congratulations.
Well, thank you.
Thank you so much.
I have so many people I want to thank.
I don't want to forget anyone.
All right.
All right.
I said no.
Jerry, I just want to let you know Lyle and I are completely over.
I'd rather be with you.
Just me? No dudes or fellers? - What do you think? - I can start right away.
- But not here.
- I'm not here.
Leave a message.
Jerry, what's happening? Jerry, come on, pick up the phone.
So, I said to him, "Arthur, Artie, bubele why does the salesman have to die? Change the title.
The Life of a Salesman.
That's what people want to see.
" Excuse me, Mr.
Kramer.
My name is Lewis Maxtone-Graham.
I'm one of the producers of Scarsdale Surprise.
Oh, hey.
Yeah.
Lew! We need to talk.
Elaine, what did you want to talk to me about? This.
My office.
Sam trashed my office.
Well, I see what's going on here.
I am smack-dab in the middle of a good old-fashioned catfight.
Mr.
Peterman, this is not a catfight.
This is violent, psychotic behavior, directed at me all because I told her to swing her arms.
Do you mean: Yes, that's the one.
Good day, Elaine.
Oh, no, please, Mr.
Peterman.
She's crazy.
Crazy for feeling So lonely I can't believe how much we did this afternoon.
I have a friend, today would be his whole life.
Now, what time are you picking me up tonight? You got reservations at Sfuzzi, didn't you? Oh, yeah, Sfuzzi.
I gotta do that.
- Should I wear the outfit I bought? - Sure.
- Which one? - The one with the: If I'm gonna get my hair cut, I better go.
Call me when you get home.
I won't be there but leave a message so I know.
Okay.
Okay.
- Do you mind? - No, I'll grab them, yeah.
Hey.
I've done that today.
- What? Did you lose your remote? - No, cable's out.
- What's with you? You look dead.
- It's Lanette.
I need, like, an assistant or an intern or something.
Relationship intern, huh? Hey, what if the two of us teamed up? - Not? - No, no.
- No, because that's - No.
Listen, we're always sitting here.
I help you with your girl problems.
You help with my girl problems.
Where do we end up? - Here.
- Exactly, because neither one of us can handle a woman by ourselves.
- I'm trying.
- I've tried.
We don't have it.
But maybe the two of us, working together at full capacity could do the job of one normal man.
And each of us would only have to be, like, a half-man.
That sounds about right.
We understand how excited you are to have this very, very prestigious award.
But you didn't have anything to do with the actual production.
No.
I'm afraid there is no way we can allow you to keep this Tony.
- What? - Unless - Anything.
- Are you familiar with our star Raquel Welch? - She's fantastic.
She's a train wreck.
There's a big tap-dance number before Jean Harris leaves The Madeira School to confront Dr.
Tarnower.
- It is a gut-wrenching scene.
- Yes.
But Raquel Welch doesn't move her arms when she tap dances.
It's very distracting.
There is a lot of this in tap dancing.
So you'd like me to teach her how to dance? No, we want you to fire her.
Why do they want you to fire Raquel Welch? Because they're terrified of her.
I heard they cut one of her lines.
She climbed up a rope on the side of the stage and started dropping lights on people's heads.
A story like that's gotta be true.
She seems very nice.
Jerry, you're not in show business.
You don't know what these people are like.
- I'm in show business.
- Oh, come on.
What am I going to do? She's gonna eat me alive.
I got a tape of Fantastic Voyage, if you think that'll help.
I'll take it.
Jerry, that crazy straight-arm woman down at Petermars trashed my office.
And then listen to this.
This is the message she left me.
Elaine, I am going to find you.
If not in your office, then in the X erox room or the small conference room next to the kitchen, or the kitchen.
I mean, she must have a blueprint of the building or something.
- Did you tell Peterman about this? - Well, I tried.
But he thought it was some sort of a catfight.
Catfight? Okay.
Why? Why do guys do this? What is so appealing to men about a catfight? Catfight.
Because men think if women are grabbing and clawing at each other there's a chance they might somehow kiss.
- You got the tickets? - Yeah.
Two for the 7:15 of Lenore's Promise.
What, are you wearing a green sweater? - I like it.
- Lanette doesn't.
Here's your blue one.
It's her favorite.
- What? - Just put it on.
All right.
Now, remember she got her nails done today so remark on how you like the color.
And if you need me, you beep me.
All right? Here, here.
There you go.
There you go.
All right.
- Go get them.
You're a tiger! - Hey, George, one second.
She's having a party Friday.
She wants me to do the invitations.
A little notice would have helped.
How many people? Thirty-five.
And George, on the invitations Yeah, I know.
Don't skimp.
Go, go.
Right on time.
I like that.
I like your nails.
That is a great color.
- Love the sweater.
- This old thing? Hi, I need some party invitations.
Okay.
Have you been in here before? About a year ago.
Wedding invitations.
Right.
How did that all work out? No complaints.
Well, they're arranged according to price, and as I recall Actually, I'll take these nice, glossy ones.
You are a fraud, Dr.
Tarnower.
You haven't even been to Scarsdale.
- Miss Welch.
Hi.
- Who are you? Well, I'm Cosmo Kramer.
I'm one of the producers.
Hello.
Sidney.
No.
No, I told you I don't want to do that.
If you bring it up again, I'll feed your genitals to a wolf.
Kids.
- You're still here? - Well, Miss Welch I do need to talk to you about a little problem regarding your performance.
- What kind of problem? - Well, it seems that due to the vagaries of the production parameters vis-à-vis the fragmenting of the audience, due to cable television carnivals, water parks - Out with it.
You're fired.
You don't use your arms when you tap dance.
You're like a gorilla.
I gotta go.
A little help? - Hey, Frolf? - Yeah.
You know, we need a fourth for the back nine.
You want in? What's the deal with airplane peanuts? - Yeah, sure.
- Come on.
Well, I'm ready.
Let's towel it up.
Jerry, where are those invitations you were supposed to get? If they don't go out today, they're useless.
But we're in towels.
- Jerry.
- All right, one second.
He Frolfs he scores! - Hello.
- George, where are those invitations? You were supposed to leave them with her doorman.
- Did you shave your chest hair? - No.
Did you at least pick them up? Yeah, yeah, super glossy, the best they had.
Well, get them over here pronto.
We're at towels here, George.
All right.
All right.
Keep your towel on.
- What? - It's a joke.
All right.
That's not bad.
Now get over here.
- if not in your apartment, then in the laundry room or the A TM in the building across the street or the watch shop! Can't you do anything about this? I mean, this woman is a psycho.
Look, just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I don't move my arms when I dance? That's my signature.
Would you just keep an eye out for this woman? She's about, I don't know, yay high and she doesn't swing her arms when she walks.
- What do you mean? - Like this: What the hell is that? Are you making fun of my dancing? Arert you Raquel Welch? You know who I am.
Now, what are you doing? Nothing.
I just wasrt moving my arms.
That's it.
You're going down.
Catfight.
So how's George? I don't know.
They won't tell me anything.
What's that? Tony.
- What happened to you? - Raquel Welch.
- What happened to you? - Raquel Welch.
- The woman is a menace.
- Yeah.
I bumped into her on the street.
It got pretty ugly.
A catfight with Raquel Welch.
My God, George.
I slipped on the invitations.
- How's the towels? - They're back on the rack.
- Even with the two of us? - I think we're still a man short.
Mr.
Costanza your legs have sustained extensive trauma.
Apparently, your body was in a state of advanced atrophy due to a period of extreme inactivity.
But with a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck I think there's a good chance you may, one day, walk again.
Well, that's good news.
Wow, invitations again.
Yeah, that's weird.
All right.
Well - You want to grab some coffee? - Yeah, coffee.
- I'd like to get some coffee.
- Okay.
This was supposed to be the Summer of George.
The Summer of George.
Summer of George.
- Swing them.
- Swing them.
- Right? Okay? - Sort of swing.
Swing them.
Just swing them.
I can't do it.
Okay? It's hard.
- Come on.
Okay? - Here we go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah There's still a little summer left.