Roseanne s08e23 Episode Script

Wow, I can't believe that today Our little Darlene is getting married to Our little David.
Yeah, I can't decide whether i'm losing a daughter Or gaining a daughter-in-law.
So, any word on nana mary? Nobody's seen her since the rehearsal dinner.
No, but remember last time she went awol And we found her down at the mall diving in the fountain for change? Well, it's my last morning as a single woman.
Not necessarily.
Right, Jackie? So, how are my friends doing? Oh, they're still all passed-out drunk in there, But I still poke 'em every so often.
- that sounds like fun.
- yeah.
The still-breathing poke is okay, But the wake-up poke is gonna be great.
I'm gonna go to becky's trailer To check on David.
Can I bring you back a possum? No no no.
You are not going anywhere.
It's very bad luck to see your fiancee before the wedding.
Did you see Fred before your wedding, Jackie? You're not allowed to see your fiance before the wedding, You've got to wear something old, and you've got to wear-- - mom, that's ridiculous.
- did you do any of that, Jackie? I got the tuxes.
Shh! Don't wake up any of these people Until every flea in this room has found a host.
Ow! Ow! Hey, it's nana mary.
Oh, hi, Rosie.
Hey, Who the hell's wearing my pants? ( theme song playing ) ( Roseanne laughs ) - oops.
- yep.
We got the wrong color tuxes.
Hey, you guys look great.
I'd take your picture, but i'm saving all my film for the cake.
Damn, Rosie, this wedding's giving me a nasty case of heartburn.
See? All those years of eating light bulbs To entertain the kids is finally catching up to you.
Hey, I want you to know that later on today I'm gonna pull Darlene aside and i'm gonna give her the mother-daughter talk.
- good for you.
- yeah, but just this once, I'm not also giving her the father-daughter talk.
I'm doing my part.
I'm walking her down the aisle.
Come on, Dan.
You've been avoiding her for six weeks.
You've got to stop acting like she's pregnant and has to get married And start acting like you're six hours away From all-you-can eat shrimp.
- but, Rosie - no buts about it.
You are gonna get into the spirit of things, And you're gonna start by going in there and helping those boys get dressed.
And remember, those jackets do not tuck into those pants.
another bride, another groom another sunny honeymoon.
I'm bleeding from the ears.
Am I bleeding from the ears? Criminy sakes.
What are you doing? We're halfway there, nana mary.
Calves are always a bit tricky.
Now you've snagged a varicose vein.
Okay, everybody, smile.
And try to keep those red dots out of your eyes.
- where's Darlene? - she's still in the bathroom trying on grandma's gown.
Come on out, Darlene.
I can't wait to see you in my dress.
What do you mean, your dress? That's my dress.
The first time I wore that dress Roosevelt closed the banks.
That's right.
The first time I wore it, I had to take it in Around the boobs.
Zip it! Darlene, come on out here.
Darlene: i'm not coming out.
I look ridiculous.
I'm sure you look fine, Darlene.
It's just the lighting in that room is bad, Along with the plumbing and the tile.
- oh! Oh! - oh, Darlene! I got six sticks of dynamite strapped under here.
The first chuckle takes us all out.
Darlene, you look lovely.
And don't worry.
The little baby in there doesn't show at all.
You know, all us dames, we We all got knocked up before we got married.
With this family, it's like tradition.
You look gorgeous, Darlene.
Grandma's gown looks beautiful on you.
I'm sorry to say this, Darlene, but you do look beautiful.
Aren't you happy now that you passed on wearing The flannel shirt and bolo tie? Darlene, I was just wondering if you'd reconsidered About little andy being the ring bearer.
I know you think he's too young, But he's been practicing, haven't you, sweetheart? Now look, hold the pillow steady, right, honey? And then we take the froot loops And we put these on there, and then we say ( humming "the wedding March" ) - he's eating the rings.
- honey, I want you to-- He really wants to do it.
You tell everybody How you feel about being the ring boy, okay? You tell everybody what mommy taught you to say.
Grandma's crazy.
Did-- did he say grandma's crazy? He just needs a nap.
He'll be fine.
Hey, who put the now-unlucky veil On the bed? I mean, I can counteract the effects, But I don't know if i've got enough time to go get the pigeon blood.
All right, last call for the tux shop.
We need black socks.
For Mark, size 11.
For d.
J.
, one cufflink.
Rule of thumb for tuxes-- always get a spare one So you can cut it up for parts.
- Mr.
Conner? - don't know how.
So why haven't you tied your tie? Mr.
Conner doesn't know how.
Give it here.
Listen, Mark, I know you're probably sick of hearing about this, But it just feels weird that mom and dad aren't here.
- you still on that? - well, they're our parents.
I thought maybe for my wedding day, they might-- Would you just shut up about them already? Man, they never did anything for us.
They kicked me out of the house when I was 16, And they treated you like a dog.
Look, the conners are your parents now, okay? You and me both.
They saved our asses.
Yeah, well, mom and dad gave us life, okay? One of us maybe a little more than the other, but still Hey hey hey, it's a slap in the face to the conners For you to be all hung up on a couple of jerks - who haven't even bothered to call in the past four years.
- Mark - I don't want to hear it! - choking.
Where'd you learn to tie a tie like that? Dad.
It was the only thing he ever taught me.
Now i've taught you.
Since it's the only thing he could've done for you today, You don't need him anymore.
Okay.
Thanks, Mark.
So, how many times have you been married, nana mary? I'm not sure.
Counting the cruises i've been on What's the matter? You got butterflies in your stomach? No, a child.
Nauseous, huh? I hear that, Darlene.
Don't you remember? Your old aunt here was in A similar situation before she got married.
Yeah, sort of, except for that You were nursing your child at the altar.
Oh yes, I remember that wedding.
Thank goodness someone was offered something to drink.
Okay, enough yakking.
Come on, everybody gather round.
I want one last picture of all the women together before Darlene gets married.
Nana, bring your ass over there.
Oh my god.
Jackie, come here.
- what? - look in here.
Look in there.
Darlene's getting married.
Well, it's just like I pictured it when I objected to it earlier.
Why do they want to have an outdoor hippie wedding? Why? Why? Oh, because the moon is in the seventh house? - well - hey! Glad you could make it, guys.
Oh, I wouldn't miss an event where Roseanne might cry.
Well, this is just beautiful.
Why didn't we have our wedding outside? Snipers.
Hey, dad, I think I just saw a skunk.
- go.
- hey, d.
J.
, wait up! Wow.
This is so cool.
I've never been to an outdoor wedding where everyone was wearing clothes.
Yeah, the '90s sure are nuts.
Aw, look-- nana mary.
- hello, Dan.
- this is Nancy.
Nancy, this is roseanne's grandmother.
Oh, i'm sure you two must have scads to talk about.
Why don't you start with Aliens? It's so weird that he said that, Because I was abducted by aliens in woods just like these one time.
- really? - for a month afterwards, I could play world-champion- caliber chess.
And then it just went away.
Well, scott, i'm sure you remember our alien encounter.
Oh, dear heavens, of course.
Their names were zortron and dennis.
- dennis, yes.
- yeah.
You know, I hated the way those two were always bickering.
Oh, yes.
"let's skip by alpha centauri.
" "we don't have that sort of time.
" "well, we would, If someone hadn't had to see all the moons of jupiter.
" - still, it was fun going antiquing with them.
- yes.
You know, if i'd known If i'd known we were gonna sit on these hard wooden benches, I would not have worn this thong.
Let's see.
Just enough flowers To look beautiful But not enough to attract the bees.
Yeah.
Uh, you know, I wanted to ask you, Do you think dad's gonna walk me down the aisle Or do you think he's just gonna give me a big push? Oh, now you know he loves you, Darlene.
Yeah.
Okay, well, just try to remember that When he gives you the big push.
Thank god i'm marrying someone relatively sane like David.
No no no, Darlene.
All husbands are kind of insane.
You know, after you marry David and everything, There's gonna be times where you'll be sitting there going, "what the hell did I marry this guy for?" And then, like, it'll snow And he'll put chains on your tires, And then you'll remember.
No, david's not allowed anywhere near my car.
Already talking like a married woman.
Oh, god, and soon i'll be talking like a mom, Just sitting around with the girls eating salads, Chatting about sore nipples and waiting for the prozac to kick in.
You remind me of me so much when I was your age, Ready to go out and grab the world by the throat And throttle it into control.
It's really good that you've got all the energy you've got, girlie, Because you're gonna need it.
Do you think I can handle it all? I think you're gonna be great.
And you know if you have anything going on That you need help with-- even that baby-- You can bring that to us anytime.
Well, I can bring it to you, anyway.
Your dad's gonna come around.
It's just After our wedding he hardly saw his parents again.
So I think maybe this wedding, it's bringing all that stuff back up for him.
Well, fine.
Then if he ever talks to me again I'll just let him know i'm gonna be around.
I mean, i'm gonna need someplace to hang out While david's watching the baby and cleaning the house.
You go, girl.
I heard that on "ricki lake.
" Yeah, I saw it, so don't even go there.
I just want to thank you because you've been really great During this whole wedding thing.
So thanks.
I know how you could've been.
Oh, I could've made you guys miserable.
Remember how you were the first time David spent the night? Oh, yeah.
It was awesome.
I was a total bitch.
That'll happen again, you know? I know.
So, you ready? Well, in the words of gary gilmore, let's do it.
- well, darlene's ready.
- ( andy whines ) I knew it! The little midget's freaking out on us! No, he's not.
He is not freaking out.
He ju-- he loves his mommy.
Bull! D.
J.
, you are gonna have to be the ring boy.
No way! I'm gonna look totally stupid! I'll be humiliated! - Mark, it's up to you.
- i'm your man.
No! No! Now we promised little andy that he would be the ring boy.
So i'm sorry.
Pardon us, please.
Ring boy coming through.
Ring boy coming through.
All right, well, I guess we're next.
Uh, you know, your daughter would like to hear something from you.
Can't you just go tell her you're happy for her or something? Why are they not standing up? The guy at rehearsal said they only stand up for the bride.
I really don't care what the guy at rehearsal said.
The hell with tradition.
Everybody up! I want you standing up! Good.
Wow.
Scary, huh? You look different.
Oh, mission accomplished.
Oh, no.
Oh, god.
( retching ) - she got sick.
- what'd you say to her? What's the matter? She's pregnant, she had to barf.
Ain't none of you ever been to a wedding before? - i'll go get her.
- no.
I had one job-- That was to walk my daughter down the aisle.
I'll do it.
Well, picked a good spot.
Thanks.
You should always find a downslope according to "modern bride.
" You okay? Yeah.
- well, I guess we'd better get back.
- wait up.
Darlene, there's something i've been wanting to talk to you about.
It's a good thing I had to puke or you'd have missed your chance.
See, uh, I was thinking Man, how do I do this? - are you all right? - yeah, i'm okay.
It's just Um Well, here.
What's this? That's a key to a savings deposit box.
Nobody knows about it.
There's a bunch of savings bonds in there And a coin collection that my grandfather gave to me.
That's your just-in-case money, Darlene.
- dad, you're gonna need this more than we are.
- no, honey.
Now you've got a baby coming, and I just think-- - you have a baby at home now.
- you're just gonna take it, 'cause I just think If you had more money laying around You'd have more chances to change I don't know, Whatever it is you want to change.
I just don't want you to miss any opportunities, Darlene.
I'm not going to miss any opportunities.
David and I are still young enough - so that we have plenty of time to do whatever it is-- - no no no no no no.
You see, that's where you're wrong, Darlene.
Everybody thinks there's plenty of time to do whatever they want.
Believe me, there's not.
- stuff happens.
( chuckles ) - what stuff? Oh, I don't know.
Any kind of stuff.
All kinds of stuff.
See, you plan things and the clock keeps ticking, And you never do 'em, And suddenly d.
J.
's in high school And you're having a baby.
I haven't talked to my dad in two years.
( sobs ) Well, you look beautiful.
What's the occasion? Dad, i'm not going anywhere, okay? I'm gonna be around.
You know, the first time I held you, you were wearing white And you threw up.
I've been behaving like a total jerk When I should have been supporting you.
Are you okay? Can I do anything for you? You could walk me down the aisle.
You ready to give me away? No, i'm not.
At this time Darlene and David have elected to share with each other Vows that they've written themselves.
I, David, Promise to always love and respect you, Darlene, My fellow traveler on this planet, As we tread lightly And replenish what we have taken from this earth.
I guess we'll have to return the deer rifle we got him.
Did you hear that? Did you hear what I just said? It was funny.
Yeah, deer rifle.
And I, Darlene, promise to love and respect you, David, As we strive not for material possessions But for contentment and peace of mind.
I think she's got marriage mixed up with a nap on the porch.
How come you're not laughing? Did you hear that? Deer rifle.
And we know the best way that we can make it Is to rely on each other The way our parents, Dan and Roseanne conner, have.
No matter how good or bad life has been to them, They always found the humor in it.
We hope we can do the same.
I didn't even see that coming.
Did you hear that? Yeah, I heard that.
Congratulations.
You are now married.
I can't believe you bought that whole pregnancy thing.
( guests clapping ) ( sighs ) You ought to see nana mary.
She thinks the ice sculpture is a mechanical bull.
No, thanks.
I don't feel so good.
Well, duh.
You were pounding down the imitation crab Like it was the real thing.
- good wedding, honey.
- yeah.
You know what I think? I think we ought to get divorced Just so we can get remarried again, you know? And then we could write our own vows, And we'll say that we want to be just like us.
Uh, I really don't feel so good.
I'm not kidding.
Maybe you should go find a phone, call dr.
Walker.
Dan Call somebody.
( siren wailing ) ( car doors slam ) ( radio chatter ) ( gurney clattering )