Frasier s08e24 Episode Script

Niles, listen, when Claire gets here, can you give us a moment of privacy? - Of course.
- I'm planning on asking her to go to Belize with me next weekend.
Oh! Belize-imo.
You'd better Belize it.
Let's see what we can do with Ecuador.
- Maybe later.
- Wait, next weekend? That's awfully soon.
I hope Claire's free.
Lana told me on the q.
t.
That Claire's already gotten wind of the trip and she's eager to go, so all that's left is for me to ask her - and act surprised when she says yes.
- Wow.
So are you jealous? I might be jealous, but as it happens, I have plans next weekend myself.
You know, Daphne and I are celebrating one year of being together.
Niles, that's wonderful.
Gosh.
So, what do you have in store? - A weekend alone at my apartment.
- Uh-huh.
See, we don't need beaches or sunsets.
Just a simple Victorian bathtub filled with champagne, us and a non-slip mat.
- Romantic yet prudent.
Very good.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Here's where I'm taking Claire.
Do you think she'll like it? Lush grounds, white, sandy beaches.
This hotel looks amazing.
She's going to love it.
Niles, I also took the liberty of buying myself a new piece of luggage by Mauricio.
Would you care to see it? NILES: Mauricio? Try and stop me.
I'm green with envy.
Oh! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
DAPHNE: Oh, hello, Claire.
- Hi, Daphne.
You seem so happy.
What? Why? Well, it seems Niles is gonna surprise me with an exotic trip for our anniversary.
How funny.
- You know, Frasier DAPHNE: I'm so excited.
We've only recently started going away together.
We wanted to wait until we got to know each other better.
- Really? DAPHNE: Yeah, I know.
It sounds old-fashioned, but there's nothing worse for a relationship than moving too fast.
FRASIER: Hi, Claire.
- Hello.
CLAIRE: Hi.
I've just been telling Claire about our anniversary plans.
Oh, yes.
There's no place like home.
Right.
Home.
[CHUCKLING.]
Claire, listen.
I know this is coming out of the blue, but how would you like to go away with me next weekend to Belize? - It sounds wonderful, Frasier.
- I thought you might say that.
Only Do you think maybe it's too soon for us to go away together? I don't know.
Do you? I don't know.
Well, I'd hate for us to go away before we're ready.
So are you saying we're not ready? I don't know.
Are you? I don't know.
I just don't wanna jeopardise our relationship.
Would we be? I don't know.
Well, if we don't know, maybe we should wait.
Okay.
You know best.
- So, Niles.
- Mm-hm.
- About our anniversary weekend.
- Mm-hm.
I'm trying to figure out what to bring.
Will your apartment be warm that weekend or unseasonably cold? Well, I keep the thermostat at a steady 71, but I'm flexible within a degree or two.
[CHUCKLING.]
Will we snorkel? Well, Daphne, you're making me blush.
Oh, Niles, stop it.
I know about the trip to Belize.
I'm sorry.
I overheard you talking to your brother.
Trust you to plan something so romantic.
- Oh, that isn't - Oh, stop the charade.
A bathtub full of champagne.
Please.
We used to do that in high school.
Well, turns out I'm not going to Belize after all.
Claire thinks it may be too soon for us to go away together.
Or I do.
I forget who spoke last.
Well, I'm so sorry.
You must be devastated.
Well Can I have your reservations? Excuse me? Well, I've decided to go away with Daphne for our anniversary.
Why not? At least one of us should have the most romantic week of his life.
Thank you, Frasier.
I only wish it could be you.
You suppose I could borrow your new luggage? - That's too far.
- Mm-hm.
Well, it's official.
Niles is whisking me away next weekend.
I'm so excited.
Each trip just gets better and better.
- Because you waited.
- I suppose.
Looking back, I can't believe we held off for so long.
All the fun we missed.
Let's face it, when it's the right person, there's no sense in waiting.
Well, here we are, Claire.
- Thank you.
- Yes.
- Frasier, about Belize - Now, now, Claire.
We've made our decision, and I think it's a good one.
Maybe it's not too soon to go away.
Go on.
Are we possibly denying ourselves a wonderful trip? Well, examining it from all angles, one could certainly make a case - Let's go! - I'm already packed.
- I'd better run.
- Right.
Right.
I thought we were having lunch.
If we're going to Belize, I've got some shopping to do.
FRASIER: What do you mean if? What do you mean? - Just go shop.
- Ah! - Bye.
FRASIER: Bye-bye.
Niles, I'm sorry.
It turns out Claire and I are going to Belize after all.
You and Daphne will have to go someplace else.
Wait.
Daphne has her heart set on Belize.
This is not "Cranes Go Caribbean.
" I wanna be alone with Claire.
- Hey, guys.
FRASIER: Oh, hi, Dad.
Hey, guys.
Ariel, come and say hello to Frasier and Niles.
- Say hello.
- Hello.
- Say hello.
- Hello.
- Say hello.
- It's all right, Roz.
That's enough.
Ariel just joined Martin's dog group at the park.
- Eddie was his sponsor.
- Oh, well And Ariel discovered squirrels.
I discovered I'm not the only woman using my dog to meet men.
Apparently, we also hunt in packs.
Come on, let's go get some water.
Hey, Frasier, I got a little favour to ask you.
Duke and I are going on a fishing trip next weekend.
I need you to look after Eddie.
Actually, I've got plans next weekend, Dad.
- Where are you going? - Belize.
Yeah, I saw that brochure you had lying around.
The fishing looks fantastic.
Not to mention the sandy beaches and lush grounds.
Yes, Dad, I'm familiar with it.
That's where I'm taking Claire.
And I'm going with Daphne.
Well, if he's going, I'm going.
Great.
What the hell? The more the merrier.
Oh, by the way, thanks for driving me and Claire to the airport.
Frasier, please, are you kidding? Because of you, my Kirby got a B in history.
A B.
Yes, it turned out well for both of us.
For once, somebody else got the grade and I got the girl.
God, I hope Claire is waiting outside.
This traffic is terrible.
[HORN HONKING.]
[TYRES SCREECHING.]
I didn't know you smoked.
[COUGHING.]
I don't.
The way you're driving, I'm not gonna die of natural causes anyway.
Give me that.
- Problem with my driving? - No.
No, it's fine.
I just wish you'd pick a lane, that's all.
Pick, pick, pick.
You're certainly an expert at that.
What is that supposed to mean? It means that nothing is ever good enough for you.
You complain about everything.
That is not true.
Come on, Frasier.
I have been out with you.
The wine has turned, the silver has tarnished, the service is too slow, the cheese is runny.
Fine, it was Camembert.
If anything, it wasn't runny enough.
Yes, I may have exacting standards, but what you choose to characterise as faultfinding, I think of as my steadfast refusal to settle.
Please, this Newport is more alive with pleasure than you are.
The truth is, Frasier, you don't know how to be happy.
- That is ridiculous.
- Admit it.
You know I'm right.
Wanna see me happy? You leave more than half a car length between us and that Taurus.
[TYRES SCREECHING THEN CAR CRASHES.]
At least whoever gets my seat on the plane will be happy.
Dr.
Crane? Dr.
Crane? I understand your room is not satisfactory.
Yes, I had a reservation for an ocean-view suite and instead, I got a single room overlooking an abandoned bus.
Now, please, sir, you don't have to yell.
I'm sorry.
You see, my ears got clogged somewhere above Xuahaca and they haven't popped yet.
Now, if I could just get the room that I reserved I'm afraid we gave your room away.
Check-in time is 3:00, and we never heard from you.
Let me see.
At 3:00, my girlfriend and I had just disembarked in Punta Gorda from our plane that was late because the pilot had to dust some crops.
I could have called during my connecting tractor ride, but I had to find out which of four airlines had lost my luggage.
Not to mention - My ears just popped.
- Congratulations, sir.
I still want a better room.
Frasier, this place is wonderful! You should see the pool! It's all right.
My ears are better now.
- Well, that's good news.
- Yes, we're on a roll.
- Well, look who's here.
- Hello there.
We thought you had decided to hide in your hotel room all weekend.
Well, actually, we just got here.
We missed our flight this morning.
Oh, dear, what happened? Well, Lana happened.
We were on our way to the airport Please, they don't need to hear the whole story, and God knows I'm good for a while.
- So who's up for a drink? - You've got to try a Belize Bomber.
Couple of those and you'll be flying.
Come on.
Plus every one you kill, they put a decal on your coconut.
You go ahead, Claire.
I'm still working on our room.
Frasier, this vacation is going to do you good.
This place is completely freeing.
Would you believe that today I dabbled in public nudity? Daphne and I found a secluded cove on the beach.
We shed our garments and surrendered ourselves to the sand, the sea and one rather curious grouper.
Don't you have a diary? Well, look who finally got here.
- Hi, Dad.
- Fras, how was your flight? Don't poke the bear, Dad.
And how was fishing? Duke and I caught the biggest marlin you've ever seen.
The swells were huge.
It took us two hours to reel it in.
Where's Duke? He's upstairs, sunburned, heaving his guts out.
You guys ought to come out tomorrow.
WOMAN: Sir? Your table is ready.
Thanks.
Fras, why don't you and Claire join us? No, thanks, Dad.
We've reserved a romantic table for two at the water's edge.
Say no more.
Well, I've gone on long enough about fishing.
What'd you guys do today? Oh, you know, took a swim, got some sun.
MARTIN: Just make sure you keep your suits on.
The skipper on the fishing boat has a telephoto lens.
He posts the photos in the bait shop under "Catch of the Day.
" - Oh, look who decided to join us.
- Right.
What happened to your table? We waited an eternity for our table, but it never opened up.
Frasier, this is fine.
Let's just turn our chairs around.
Look, ocean view.
MARTIN: Yeah.
FRASIER: All right.
[ALL OOHING.]
Would you like a menu? You know what? You have to have the John Dory.
No, it can't be any better than this halibut.
Don't listen to them.
These soft-shelled crabs are melting in my mouth.
Sorry, sir, but we're out of all three.
Wonderful.
Well, what fish do you have? We make a decent swordfish.
Decent.
That's what I travelled You know, you should put that on your menu.
- Home of the decent CLAIRE: I'll have the swordfish.
Right.
Swordfish is fine.
Thank you.
- Frasier, what's the matter? - Didn't you hear? - They're out of everything l - Frasier, we've both had a long day, but we're here now.
Why can't you just make the most of it? [ALL CHATTERING IN AGREEMENT.]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You know, you're right.
Okay, not another word.
Well, as long as everyone's here, I'd like to make a toast.
Alrighty.
That there's nothing gives me greater joy than to see both my boys happy.
[GRUNTING.]
- Mr.
Crane, is something the matter? - It's reeling that fish in today.
My arms are shot.
I'll be all right.
Anyway, what I wanna say [GRUNTS.]
Dad, don't be a hero.
Put down the coconut.
Well, I just wanna say that I'm not the only fisherman in the family.
In fact, I'm not even the best one.
One year ago, after seven years of trying to get her to bite, Niles finally hooked Daphne.
And I think we'd all agree that she's quite a catch.
NILES: Hear, hear.
- Thank you.
And, Claire, I just want you to know how glad we are that you're here.
That's right.
I don't remember Frasier being this happy in a long time.
Thank you.
Out of swordfish too? I'm sorry, sir.
May I suggest the pepper steak? Steak? That's what we should eat at Belize's finest seafood restaurant? There's an ocean full of fresh fish not 15 feet away, but why not try a slab of artery-clogging, hormone-injected, frozen red meat instead? - I'm sorry, Dad.
Please continue.
- No, that's all right.
I'm done.
Actually, I think I am too.
- Excuse me.
NILES: Of course.
Claire Claire.
You didn't tell me you had steak here.
Claire? CLAIRE: Yes? Listen, I don't blame you for wanting to leave, but before you go, I'd just like to say that I'm really sorry for getting so upset.
You see, it's just that ever since I met you, I thought that you were pretty much perfect for me, and I guess I just wanted our first trip together to be perfect too.
And I think it still can be.
What can I say to convince you to stay? I see I'm off to a pretty good start.
Frasier, I wasn't going to leave.
I'm crazy about you.
I just started to feel like you didn't wanna be here with me.
Oh, gosh, nothing could be further from the truth.
I mean, this weekend doesn't have to be perfect.
Let's just try to have fun.
- Fun? - Yes.
I can do that.
Fun's been my nickname since math camp.
Math camp? You're just trying to get me into bed.
I must say, this trip has certainly taken a turn for the better.
I'll tell you something else.
I'm happy.
Utterly and completely happy.
I'm glad, Frasier.
I'm happy too.
CLAIRE: Frasier? Frasier? - Hmm? - Frasier? - Hmm? Are you okay? You were talking in your sleep.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I'm okay.
I'm fine.
Go back to sleep.
Hi, it's me, Frasier.
Listen, I'm aware of the time.
It's just that You're the last person on earth I thought I'd be calling, but I had this dream, and I had to talk to you about it.
LILITH: Oh, God.
I suppose you expect me to be awake for this conversation, don't you? FRASIER: Okay, I'll be brief.
It's just that I'm on vacation with my girlfriend, Claire, a woman who by all conventional measures is perfect for me, and yet I've just had a vivid sexual dream about someone who differs from her entirely.
A man? Not that different.
- Someone you've slept with? FRASIER: Well, yes.
But it didn't work out.
You see, we I worshipped her for years, and then we had a parting of the ways because it turned out that she was just unpleasant and confrontational, self-centred.
Frasier, if you're dreaming about me, just say it.
No, Lilith, it's not you.
It's a woman named Lana.
Well, it seems like a textbook symbol dream.
Why are you calling me? Well, because you know me better than anybody else, and you're a terrific psychiatrist.
Thank you.
So, what do you think? As a working hypothesis, I'd say you have the hots for Lana.
FRASIER: No, you see, maybe I'm not making myself clear.
You see, the woman irritates me no end.
She's antagonistic and opinionated, critical So I see.
What you're saying is that unlike most women you've dated, she challenges you.
Maybe so, but that's not the point.
You see, Claire is perfect for me.
All right.
Why does this dream about Lana upset you? I don't know.
Are you sure? Lilith, do you think I know how to be happy? Of course you do.
You just like a challenge.
You've never been one to take the easy road.
Well, it seems I've skidded right off the road this time and into a ditch.
A deep one.
Well, you could try to throw it in reverse and spin your wheels for a while.
Or you could get out into the ditch and get yourself a little dirty.
I see.
Lana's the ditch, right? It's your metaphor.
Well, I guess I've got some thinking to do.
Thanks for talking, Lilith.
Any time.
I love you, Frasier.
I love you too.